Note: This is a remake of my original fanfic. Due to certain "events", this is still the same but a certain snake man isn't going to be involved. Anyway, enjoy this fic.
Chapter 1: Hazbin Hire Part 1 Remake
[It's morning in Hell. The clocktower says 9:56 am. Several demons pass by and yell out curses at each other. All the while sit the Hazbin Hotel in all its glory. Just then a hooded figure stands outside the hotel gates taking pictures of the site]
Hooded Figure: Wow! These pics will impress my boss, for sure! She'll be ecstatic to take her sweet vengeance on these wretched demons once we identify their weaknesses! (sighs in excitement) My life sure is wonderful.
[Just then, a supercar squishes the doofus and his phone into pieces. Exiting the car are three beings, one of whom is Axelrod in a suit and tie. Ecstatic, he looks over his briefcase and wonders if he forgot something.]
Selaña: Now are you sure you're ready, husband?
Axelrod: (smiling) Positive. I am ready to get my dream job!
Selaña: Because if this fails, I might have to resort to sending you to my lower associates for that accountant job.
Axelrod: Selaña, this will work! I'm positive that they want my services and I'm sure with this resume, nothing can stop me now.
Selaña: Husband! I'm worried. You're already a target for the numerous bungling gangs and everybody here might recognize you for the incidents you've been held accountable for.
Axelrod: That fire at the shipyards was not my fault. It was the faulty wiring of the lights.
Selaña: How do I know this hotel might be what you want to do for a living?
Axelrod: We've been through this. It was either this magnificent place or Channel 666 News. And you and I and Sune know Katie Killjoy wants my blood for some reason.
Selaña: (shaking her head) Estúpida bruja! Gracias a Satanas, te fuiste con la piel intacta. Just be careful. I can't keep wasting more money on you and your ransom payments. We need that to pay for the cook houses.
Axelrod: I know you're worried and believe me I'm super aware of my surroundings. Also, that stopped once I realized I was carrying Mammon's black card in my wallet and should've used that as a bargaining chip.
Sune: (frustrated) Geulaedo neon gyesog baboya?
Axlerod: Baboga anila guenyang sunijnhae!
Sune: Gat-eun geos!
Selaña: Oh, great! It's the ninja again!
Sune: Ninja? Watashi wa shuriken neko yakuza no wakagashiradesu! Anata wa meinu o hebi shimasu!
Selaña: (breathes in) Stop speaking that gibberish and speak like an actual being! Nina tonta! No sabes ingles o español? Pudo babosada!
Sune: Nansensu? (speaks English) At least my employer trusts me with guarding my love! Unlike you, Ms. Bite first reply later?
Selaña: Aha! You can speak real words! And for your information, when you have a strongman choking you for cooking his steak well done instead of rare, then you can speak those words at me, puttanesca!
[Sune pulls out her two swords, one pale white and another lava red while Selaña points her rattle at Sune transforming it into a machine gun. Just before the two begin to kill each other, Axelrod steps in between the two with his hands at their faces]
Axelrod: STOP IT! Can't the two of you not kill each other whenever the arguments go nowhere!
Selaña & Sune: (in unison) She started it!
Axelrod: I don't care who started it! I'm about to start my job and you two fight over language! Selaña, por favor, no matas solamente por burradas como este!? And Sune, Ima sugu sorera no ken o oroshite kudasai!
[Both put their weapons down and Axelrod goes to Selaña]
Axelrod: Now, what do you have to say for yourself!?
Selaña: Just don't get kidnapped! Please, esposo!
Axelrod: Okay! I promise I won't get kidnapped!
Sune: Oh and one more thing! (grabs Axelrod's suit closely and responds sternfully) Anime No in'yo nashi!
Axelrod: (deflated) Okay. No anime quotes! I promise, my waifu.
[Axelrod proceeds to the hotel's entrance before yelling "Plus Ultra" and Sune and Selaña respond with facepalms. Axelrod, giddy, heads to the front door and knocks to see if anyone will respond.]
Axelrod: (knocking) Hello! Anyone there? I'm interested in working here! I'm willing to work for peanuts! Well, not peanuts per say but perhaps some stipend that's liveable. I'm willing to be paid in coins! [a shadowy figure appears] I have an impressive resume! And by impressive, I mean that I did not make this up at the last minute. I'm serious! If you don't believe me, I have numerous job references to back me up! Huh? Maybe they're on their break?
[Just then, out of the shadows, Alastor appears and greets the little guy]
Alastor: Hello! (laughs) Just who are you supposed to be?
Axelrod: Um? I'm a? I'm a? I'm a?
Alastor: Hmm? Is your name Ima?
Axelrod: No! It's Axelrod! I'm just transfixed by your outfit? Are you by any chance Alucard?
Alastor: Who's that?
Axelrod: Alucard? The Crimson Fucker? The realest vampire in existence?
[Alastor continues smiling]
Axelrod: Okay? You just remind me of him but your demeanor says "Sharp dressed demon"! How about Muzan or Ashura?
Alastor: I have no idea what you're talking about! And whoever they are, they sound like sad sacks compared to this happy fellow! My name's Alastor and I run the radio show for all of hell's denizens! I'm sure you're aware of my status?! The Radio Demon?
Axelrod: Honestly, no! Radio is so 1800! I'm more into streaming sites than some 19th century box!
[Alastor grabs Axelrod and slams him at the hotel's walls]
Alastor: (threateningly) Listen here, bucko! If it weren't for good olde fashioned radio, then those fancy gizmos people use today wouldn't have existed! Trust me when I say it, radio is what made "streaming" happen!
Axelrod: (thinking) So you are Muzan! Perhaps I should take his words to heart?
Alastor: Excuse me, where are my manners! Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel! Are you here to stay or are you here to visit?
Axelrod: Actually, I'm here to apply for a job!
Alastor: Ha! No! We have no openings! So you better try to find work somewhere else! Goodbye!
Axelrod: WAIT! There has to be some kind of job I can do! Security? Assistant? Janitor? Head of Demon Resources? It's like Human resources but since this is Hell, demons are everywhere. Of course, now that I think about it, it should be called Sinner Resources due to the amount of sinners in the Pride Ring!
Alastor: Brilliant ideas! But we have no need for those! Except security. But you don't look like you can hold a gun?
Axelrod: Are you kidding? I have guns all over this suit. [proceeds to point at Alastor's back] Just let me stay here you gigantic horn demon!
[Alastor, provoked, grabs Axelrod and threatens him again]
Alastor: (turns demonic) DON'T TOUCH ME! I HATE BEING TOUCHED BY ANYONE!
Axelrod: (astonished thinking) Or maybe he's Ashura? Cause that kinda reminds me of Ashura!
Alastor: Well, you got the one thing to earn my distrust, being annoying!
Axelrod: I'm not annoying! I'll tell you who's annoying: Ronove! If you met him, oh boy you better wish you were somewhere worse than Hell! He'll bore you with his endless stories that have no conclusion! And another thing! Hello?
[Door slams on his face, Axelrod sits down and muffles his screams in his arms]
Axelrod: I can't believe I got rejected! Again! I swear, this is Sloth all over again! And Belphegor thinks I blew up his factory! Might as well tell my wives the news. (mind flashes back to a few hours ago: Selaña: Because if this fails, I might have to resort to sending you to my lower associates for that accountant job.) Damn it! I don't want to go to Chula Town! It's so boring! I have to work in a cramped space, surrounded by weirdos and count the hours while looking at the finances of Los Saguaros! If I wanted to look at the numbers and cheat Lucifer out of our earnings, I should've stayed at Mint City! (breathes) I can't go back without this job! I have to work at this hotel! It's my only option. Besides, it's only a 15 minute drive from here to my house. 5 minutes by public transportation! (thinking) I mean, I might have to do that thing? If he's a dealmaker, that means he'll get my powers? But if I don't get my dream job, I have to work as a boring accountant! I have no choice, I have to make this deal! After all, what's the worst thing that could happen?
[Thumps on the door with his fist and Alastor answers]
Alastor: What part of no do you not get?
Axelrod: I want to make a deal!
[Suddenly, red mist covers the ground and Alastor appears with a green glowing hand.]
Alastor: A deal? What sort of deal?
Axelrod: I knew it! You're a dealmaker! Either that or this is your first one. Anyway! I want to work at this hotel! No ifs, ands or buts about it! I want to be the security guard at this place! I, also, want my lunch break to be at the minimum of 1 hour, 2 max. And I am willing to let go of one of my powers, not both, one of my powers to work here!
Alastor: You realize you'll be under my whim if you proceed with this deal? Are you sure you want to make this happen?
Axelrod: Is Leona Helmsley a Barbie doll for Mammon's baby daughter?
[Alastor, still smiling, looks confused]
Axelrod: The answer is yes! To both.
[Shakes Alastor's hand and is given a uniform for his job]
Alastor: Here you go! Your brand new uniform for your first day here at this marvelous hotel! (laughs) Your first shift starts next week! I expect you to be here at 7am sharp! (grabs Axelrod by the shoulder) And you're mine for all eternity! Now, show me this magnificent power of yours!
Axelrod: Well, if you insist!
[Axelrod puts his hands onto his chest and pulls them out to reveal a shining, bright light to Alastor, who laughs at Axelrod]
Alastor: Hahahahaha! This is the power you bestow onto me! A light! And here I was thinking it was going to be dangerous!
Axelrod: Touch it! It'll kill ya!
Alastor: Don't mind if I do!
[Alastor puts his arm on the light and then his arm starts to sizzle, smoke comes out of his arm and the Radio Demon's smile turns into a scowl as he's on the ground screaming at the top of his lungs. Axelrod smiles when he heads back to his house]
Axelrod: Thanks for the outfit! I'll report back to the hotel next week sir!
[Alastor continues screaming until his arm stops sizzling and he regains his composure. Alastor them summarizes the event in happiness]
Alastor: So, if that is one of his powers, I wonder what the other power is? That light may be powerful, but if held with these hands, absolutely no one can stop this guy! Hahahaha! But first, I need some first aid for my arm!
[The clocktower says 11:30 am. Axelrod walks in glee, knowing he won't become a boring accountant. He calls one of his wives to tell them the fantastic news]
Axelrod: And I will start next week and my uniform was given to me on the spot.
[Unbeknownst to him, several hooded figures run towards the demon]
Axelrod: I promise you, this is nothing like Diamate's.
[Another figure appears behind an alleyway]
Axelrod: Well for one thing, this one didn't have a hot poker.
[Suddenly, the hooded figures surround the busy demon. They remove their shrouds to reveal themselves as members of the Order of the Fallen Church. Axelrod, upset, ends his call]
Axelrod: Hey, dear. I need to talk to you some other time. Yes, it's those twits again. Ok. Bye.
[Axelrod hangs up and pulls out a shotgun and a magnum]
Axelrod: Let me guess, you morons followed me from Bael Street. I assume it's because of Twinkleton.
O.F.C member: It's because of your horrid existence that a false god reigns supreme up in Heaven while we true believers are doomed to a life of heresy and ignorance.
O.F.C member: You must die so that we can walk to the promised land our loving god promised long ago!
Axelrod: You know using the word promised, twice, in a sentence is a redundant statement.
[beat]
O.F.C member: Shut up
[The group pull out their shields and swords to attack Axelrod and he responds by shooting the members without flinching. Suddenly, a rocket launcher blasts and kills one of the members. Axelrod, unsurprised, backs him up]
Axelrod: Tancred. What, the bar's empty?
Tancred: Just got a feeling that you wound up in trouble with the Fallen Church.
Axelrod: Oh, you know how it is. One day they appear while I make passionate love and the other day I'm getting a soda with that one giant with a flail for a hand.
Tancred: And yet, they continue to annoy us! Fortunately, I carried my sub-machines with me! (cocks his guns) Come at me, heathens!
[The clock at the hotel says 2:34pm. Charlie enters the hotel, excited about today's progress. Vaggie enters the hotel too and is feeling something amiss]
Vaggie: What smells like burnt liver in the entrance!?
Charlie: Oh, I'm sure Alastor has some explanation
[Just then, Alastor enters with Nifty and Husk and see Alastor's arm in bandages]
Charlie: What happened to your arm?
Nifty: Nothing! Alastor just spilled some hot coffee!
Vaggie: (confused) Then why is it covering his entire arm?
Husk: It was scalding hot coffee!
Vaggie: That still leaves me with further questions?
Alastor: Oh, don't worry about me! I was having some black coffee and then I accidently spilled it on my arm. Hahaha! I'm perfectly fine!
[Just then, Charlie notices a paper on the floor. She picks it up and reads it]
Charlie: Axelrod? Alastor? Did you hire somebody behind my back?
Alastor: If I said yes, will this make my situation any less suspicious?
[Everyone responds with blank stares at each other]
Husk: We'll take that as a no!
Vaggie: You hired some nitwit behind our back and then lied to us!
Alastor: He was very persuasive! And he was desperate! What was I supposed to do? Slam the door on his face? He happens to be sensitive!
Nifty: Oh! That poor, poor boy. Sensitive people have feelings too.
Husk: Yeah! At least Al can be caring!
Vaggie: That's not the point! We can barely handle you two! How can we handle another who probably has a sketchy past?
Charlie: Well, maybe we can visit him so that I can interview him personally!
Vaggie: Yeah! What she said! (pauses) Wait what? Charlie, I don't think that's a good idea. We don't know this Axelrod person! What if he's a serial killer or a child molestor? What if he's another Alastor?
Alastor: Impossible! There can only be one!
Charlie: Look, Vaggie! When I let Alastor become part of the hotel, I also agreed to let him decide who should be allowed to work here. And since we got these two, I think this hotel could use some more help. I mean, according to this, Axelrod is willing to work for a liveable stipend. He sounds like someone who's determined to do anything. Which is? Uh? Alastor? What job did you hire him for?
Alastor: He wanted to work as hotel security. So I gave him the job on the spot! I even gave him his uniform for the position!
Vaggie: Security? We don't need hotel security! Razzle and Dazzle are the security! Aren't they?
Charlie: Actually, Razzle and Dazzle are my personal bodyguards. When I asked them to be the hotel's security, they showed me their contract and my father's words were boldly explicit: WE ARE MEANT TO GUARD CHARLOTTE MORNINGSTAR! NO EXCEPTIONS!
Vaggie: Oh! Well, we might as well see this Axelrod and wonder if he's got what it takes for hotel security!
Charlie: Great! Let's see here. 1313 Superbia Street. Hmm. Where is that? North of here? Or south?
[The clocktower says 3:22 pm. Inside a destroyed monastery, several sinners wearing clerical clothes and religious habits (priest clothes and nun outfits to those who don't understand) gather near the pew when smoke explodes out of nowhere and a shadowy hooded figure appears out of the mist. Taking of the hood, the figure, named Crusoe, speaks to the audience]
Crusoe: Attention, my fellow brethren! Today, marks our 2000th anniversary of evading the exterminators' culling!
[Audience cheering]
Crusoe: As you know, out of all of those who endured this horrific event, Treybol and Nazarus sacrificed their lives to save Sables from being annihilated! May their deaths not go in vain.
[Audience cheering]
Crusoe: Now then, we have all gathered here because news about our holy kill squad getting slain by our immortal enemy, "Ax of El Rod"!
[Audience boos]
Crusoe: Fortunately, one of our spies has given me information that the monster responsible for this is hosting a party at his penthouse! Now is our time to strike back! Now, we can attack and kill that maniac for what he did to our confidants! If we encounter those who trespass us, we shall deliver them from temptation and evil! For what are we but devout followers of God that have been exiled by false deities up in the clouds! We are the Order of the Fallen Church! And nobody, not even Lucifer himself, can stop our mission!
[Church members cheer and clap from Crusoe's speech]
[The clocktower says 4:15pm. The penthouse has a line that stretches 3 blocks with sinners, demons, and hellborns waiting impatiently. Just then, the Hazbin limo parks at the entrance, upsetting several partygoers.]
Sinner: Hey! No cutting! Wait in line like everyone else!
O.F.C Member: Yeah! Go back before we get violent!
Alastor: Hahahaha! Look here, we got an interview with someone! Waiting is for losers like you, get it!
Sinner: I still think you should wait, motherfucker!
Charlie: We are just here to interview Axelrod. We don't want to cause any trouble.
Sinner: Hey look! It's that bitch from Channel 666! Hi loser, you here to embarrass yourself again! If you like, you can suck my dick in front of my friends right here!
Vaggie: Hey! My name is Vaggie. How much do you love your teeth?
Sinner: What an odd question? But if I have to guess, I'd say very much…Duagh!
[Vaggie punches his mouth hard and knocks his mandibular teeth out his jaw and into the pavement]
Sinner: (mumbling) My teeth! My perfect teeth! That was a 5 months salary worth of veneers! Now I look ridiculous!
Hellborn: And ugly too! Leave this place, uggo! And take your jaw too!
[Vaggie turns around and sees Charlie scowling]
Vaggie: What?
Charlie: That was not nice! That poor sinner! Why did you have to knock out his lower jaw!
Vaggie: He insulted you. What was I supposed to do, let him get away with it?
Charlie: Our mission is to help not hurt sinners!
O.F.C member: You want to help sinners? Try killing yourself!
[Charlie, upset, sics her lover to kill the jerk. Vaggie responds by snapping the church member's neck and ordering Nifty to stab enter inside and are greeted by the front desk employee, Mandreas, and he is not keen on their entrance]
Mandreas: (hesitant) Hey! Hey! Hey! You people can't enter that elevator! The upper floor is very busy today and unless you have an appointment, I need to ask you puttanescas to leave right now!
Vaggie: (insulted) Puta!? Listen here, cabron! We have important business with Axelrod! And unless your mouth says anything besides "puta", I suggest you shut your mouth already!
Mandreas: Hey! I don't make the rules, I just follow them! Maybe you don't obey the rules correctly given your Guatemalan voice!
Vaggie: Guatemalan!? I'm from El Salvador, you Chicano cabron!
Mandreas: You know what, now you never get to see Axelrod for eternity! If you apologize right now, I might reconsider Sucia Salvadorena!
Alastor: If you're done talking like a quarreling couple, I got the elevator open and pressed the button for the penthouse suite!
Vaggie: (teasing) See ya later, cabron!
Mandreas: Wha? Oye! No entras ayi! Get out of there! OOF! Ay, mi cabeza! Oooh! Selaña is going to have my balls for this!
[The Hazbin staff are inside the elevator and are waiting for it to ding the penthouse level. While they wait, they notice the many floors of the penthouse. One (Floors 1-10) of which is styled like a minka house. There they notice Kuko, the oyabun of her yakuza, punishing a druggie.]
Kuko: (sternly) So! Anata wa watashi ni keii o harai, watashi no pachinko-ki o sobi suru koto o kyohi suru yarodesu.
Druggie: (blubbering) Your beautiful grace! I'm just a drug addicted loser in debt with a lot of gangs! I didn't mean to rig the machines! I was told by the West Side Shamrocks to rig them so that I can pay them the money I owe you! As for not paying you tribute, my family is in desperate need of food, my beautiful geisha of a boss!
Kuko: (calm) Chinmoku. Anata no kotoba wa saru yori mo seseragidesu! Watashi wa anata no inochi o oshimanai (druggie misheard it as: Atana no inochi o tasukemasu).
[Druggie sighs before an associate pulls out a katana and decapitates the captive. The staff have divided emotions as Kuko licks off the blood out of her kimono]
Kuko: (pleased) Baka!
Charlie: Is it me or is she wonderful in that dress!
Vaggie: (dumbfounded) Wonderful?! She just killed somebody! Probably some innocent sinner who wanted out of her gang! (thinking) And yet, her power feels radiating. Much more than Alastor?
Alastor: Oh, please! That drug addict probably was more useful as mulch than it was alive.
Nifty: I wonder how those blood stains will affect the carpet? I probably would burn it.
[All the while, Husk is pressing the glass over how sexy Kuko is. Seeing the oyabun exercise her power made his lower parts erect to a 11th degree. Unfortunately, Kuko's cat ears ping on the bartender's erection squeaking the glass. She looks up and notices a horrifying sight]
Kuko: (aghast) Inkei! Inkei! Karera wa watashi no otto o korosu tsumoridesu! Ima watashi no Sune o okutte kudasai!
[The Hazbin staff then reach the second (Floors 11-20) part of the penthouse. They see a dark and barely lit room filled with ninja weapons as the elevator then reveals another room that's brightly lit and stylized with Korean cultural icons like the South Korean flag and several televisions showcasing Kpop bands. They then see Sune on the couch watching TV while eating rice in peace.]
Sune: (frustrated) Ugh! My first day off and now I'm needed? This better be good!
[Suddenly her cell phone rings. It says Oyabun. Sune sighs ]
Sune: Kon'nichiwa bosu!
Kuko: Tsumekomi, wakagshira! Watashitachi wa okina mondai o kakaete imasu! Otto o korosu tame ni asashin ga haken sa reta! Karera wa erebeta ni imasu!
Sune: Otto o!
[Suddenly, Sune jumps out of her casual garb for her ninja outfit, and heads to the elevator before retreating to the couch to take her casual clothes to the laundry basket. Meanwhile, the elevator stops abruptly and Husk goes outside to check what happened. Suddenly, the elevator doors close and the elevator continues up. Husk is then confronted by Sune.]
Sune: So, you must be the assassins sent to kill our husband. State your name and I might make your death a botched seppuku!
Husk: Us? Assassins? Ha! If I wanted to kill your husband, I would've gone the quick and painless route, a gun to his head! Listen girly, I just want to know if that cat babe has a phone number?
Sune: Our oyabun is already married! To our husband! And even if I perform such a task, she wouldn't cheat with gaijin like you! Now, spill it! What do you hope to gain from killing our husband!?
Husk: Gain? Nothing! And what do you mean "gaijin"? I am 100% genuine! I can score any babe, even a spider-man! But now, I want to shoot you dead! (cocks guns)
Sune: Guns? (scoff) Such a caveman! (pulls out shurikens)
[The staff then reach the third part (Floors 21-30) of the penthouse. They see a brightly lit room filled with Mexican cultural icons, from cacti to the flag to painted skulls and a giant portrait of Selaña. The staff are at awe with the room, especially Charlie]
Charlie: Ooh! Aah! Mexico! I love tacos! Say, Vaggie. I bet you miss this place don't you?
Vaggie: Charlie, you do know I'm from El Salvador, right?
Charlie: (feeling dumb) Oh. Right! I knew that! I was just kidding!
Vaggie: Although, that snake over there is giving me a bad feeling. A very blood boiling feeling. (thinking) Like I want to release some "latin passion" all over the rug.
[While the Hazbin staff are too busy gazing, Selaña is at the phone while cooking a meal]
Selaña: Mandreas, I really have no time for this.
Mandreas: Just listen to me! Some Hondurainian and her goons have entered the penthouse and are after Senor Axelrod! Send in the 68th squadron! Excuse me, Senor. You can't barge in this place! You need to go to the back of the line!
Selaña: Callate! ¡Ya no! I will deal with this Hondurainian alone! Just continue with your post, dammit! (hangs phone) Honduras! Bunch of mierda!
Vaggie: Huh? I guess she didn't look up. (whistles)
[Suddenly, the elevator's side wall opens and Vaggie falls into a dark room. Light blares the room as Selaña appears, pointing her rattle tail at Vaggie]
Selaña: So you must be the Hondurainian out to kill mi esposo! I must protest. A filthy Hondurian entering a Mexican household? You must have either shame or balls to do such a suicidal task! Prepare to die, puta!
[Selaña tail turns into a gatling gun and shoots bullets at Vaggie as she keeps dodging]
Vaggie: Okay. You want rough! I'll give you rough! And first of all, I'm from El Salvador!
Selaña: Salvadoreanian? Even mas sucio!
[Both women charge at each other and the screen turns to the Hazbin staff entering the fourth part (Floors 31-40) of the penthouse. There they see honeycombs, worker bees, and another self portrait of the queen hornet, Jessica. Hazbin staff are at awe]
Alastor: (unamused) Hmm. So she's queen? Like I care.
Nifty: (awed) She's a wonderful woman! I wish I was like her! Then I could find a man of my own and make love in a sadomasochistic way!
Charlie: I wonder what that honey tastes like?
[They then arrive at the fifth part of the penthouse (Floors 41-50). The room is revealed to be Spain related. From The Spanish flag to Picasso paintings, we then see Aritzia, trying on different dresses for something]
Aritzia: Hmm? What outfit makes me look attractive to my husband? Or perhaps, my hair needs to look less frazzled? Or what if…? (looks up) What is that? (squints and sees the staff in the elevator) Intruders! Not in my house! (picks up and cocks a machine gun) Prepare to die, motherfuckers!
[On the top floor, Axelrod is seen partying with his invited guests in his hot tub. While the music is blaring up the room, his cell phone keeps ringing but is canceled out by the noise. Axelrod is with Jessica as they see who gets to be wife #6]
Axelrod: Ooh! That ass on that one is purely divine.
Jessica: Nah! She has that face that yells: "I bang men for a living because my dad fucked me when I was trying for cheerleading tryouts."
Axelrod: What about that girl? She's got nice tits?
Jessica: Boo, do you see those legs? If I want wife #6 to have skinny legs, then anorexia nervosa should've come as an OTC medication.
Axelrod: Okay, boo! I see. Wait! What about those tits? I betcha those breasts scream, "suck me dry"!
Jessica: Honey, that's a guy!
[The one Axelrod pointed to was actually Angel Dust. And the breasts were his fluff.]
Axelrod: (deflated) Oh? Thank goodness! I mean look at him! He reminds me of Asmodeus!
Jessica: Hey, babe? I know you hate him but never mention that name in this house.
Axelrod: Right, boo. After all, I got what I needed from that sex crazed bastard.
[Axelrod sees the concubine box, opens the trapdoor, and pulls out a succubus in lingerie]
Rojas: (sultry) Hi! My name's Rojas. What's yours?
Axelrod: Axelrod. And for the next 30 minutes, I want you to suck my dick.
[Rojas proceeds to perform fellatio on Axelrod while he proceeds to suck onto Jessica's breasts. Meanwhile, an exhausted Husk runs into Vaggie on the 50th Floor]
Husk: (panting) What the fuck are you doing here!?
Vaggie: I should be asking you that question? All I know is that one minute I'm in the elevator with Charlie and the next I'm in a gunfight with a fucking snake demon!
Husk: Well, I'm no better? Somehow, this fox ninja chick has me confused. She's saying that we're "assassins" sent to kill her husband. Whatever bullshit this is, it's clearly related to this Axelrod guy we're meant to speak with.
Vaggie: I swear if Axelrod is responsible for this, I will castrate his balls and stuff him with dynamite!
[Suddenly, shurikens nearly hit Vaggie and Husk senses gun clicking]
Sune: So, it's true! You really want to kill our husband! You'll probably have an erection just to see his corpse bleed!
Selaña: ¡Pinche mierda! You have the balls to say such atrocities to Axelrod! You clearly have an irrational hatred of men! Justified, since Salvadoreans women like you seem to prefer violence over love!
Vaggie: (irritated) What!? You think I thrive on killing? I'm in the hospitality business!
Selaña: And what about you, cat boy!?
Husk: I work as a bartender.
Selaña: Hmm. I see. (cocks her rattle tail) Die, peasants!
[The clocktower says 6:20 pm. The partygoers are busy waiting for their entry to the party when a dark, shadowy figure fazes at them while carrying a bag of stuff. The partygoers are not amused]
Sinner: Hey, doofus! The line to Loserville is right around the street!
?: (nonplused) What did you say to me?
Hellborn: He's saying that you need to get lost! We've been waiting for 2 hours! Two fucking hours! So either leave already or pay up for making us wait 2 hours!
?: (awkwardly) Do you know who I am?
Imp: (mocking) Do you know who I am? Blah, blah, blah! I'm a cutter! I like to cut in line like some douchebag!
[Partygoers are laughing]
?: (awkward) I'm serious.
Imp: (still mocking) I'm serious! Blah, blah, blah! I also wear granny panties for a living!
[Partygoers continue laughing]
?: (awkward) Umm? I like a prostate exam please.
Imp: (still mocking) I like a prostate exam please! Blah, blah, blah! I'm…(realizes) Wait, what?
[The partygoers then witness the shadowy figure jam its fist onto the imp as he yells in horror. The males give a disgusted look while protecting their butts with their hands while the females have a mixed look; some are confused and others are aroused. In the end, the imp is cowering in shameful terror while the figure wipes its hands on a partygoer's tie.]
?: The names Vassago, btw. And also, I felt 12 bumps on your butt, so you need to see a doctor. Either that or you need to drink some tequila and write your will right now. So, bye.
Hellborn: V-V-V-V-Vassago!
Sinner: He's a Goetia Prince. I heard he can see the future and the past. I also heard he can discover hidden and lost things.
Vassago: Um, yeah. I can also predict that you will die right now.
Sinner: (falls down and sobs) How? I just died already! I don't want to die, again!
Vassago: Um, I was just kidding? You won't die now. Also, what made you think growing bread inside your body was a good idea?
Sinner: (embarrassed) If the internet says you can make bread out of a yeast infection, then you can make bread by pooping out your body!
Vassago: Says the head engineer of a nuclear plant.
[Flashback to the sinner's life as an engineer. He wonders whether falling inside a nuclear waste barrel will speed up the mixture inside. 12 hours later, several workers find the engineer's corpse riddled with tumors inside the barrel and donate it to a college classroom. Several students open a file and laugh at the cause of death: Scientific hypothesis gone stupid]
Sinner: That was an unfortunate accident. And obviously, I was wrong.
Vassago: (awkwardly) Yeah, um, I need to enter this place, so, bye.
[Vassago, a Goetia prince, enters the penthouse with stuff while the partygoers stiffen up when the individual they teased was a high ranking demon who can kill them with one brush stroke. We cut back to the party floor and several Order of the Fallen Church members, in civilian clothes, are trying to mingle with the partygoers to pathetic results]
O.F.C member: Hey, party people! How's it hanging!?
Partygoer: Dude? How old are you?
O.F.C: Old enough to have a good time! So, what's bodacious about this tubular shindig!?
Partygoer: Um! Listen man, you need to leave, right now! You're making everybody here super uncomfortable!
O.F.C member: (oblivious) Listen, I just want to get high! Maybe pick up some chicks! Hey! How are you!? Want to sleep with me tonight!?
Partygoer: Ugh! No way! I may be a call girl but you are definitely the very definition of a mid-life crisis!
[Crusoe, wearing a "Party Hard or Hard Party" shirt, heads to the bar and orders a drink]
Crusoe: Do you have any water, perhaps?
Bartender: Dude? This is a bar! Either order a beer or fuck off!
Crusoe: Soda water perhaps?
Bartender: Sorry, only liquor.
Crusoe: Fine.
[Looks at the drink menu]
Crusoe: An orange sangria with a lemon wedge.
[The bartender goes to get Crusoe's drink. Suddenly, Aritzia appears on the top floor looking for Axelrod. Crusoe, surveying the floor, sees his followers embarrass themselves to hilarious results.]
Partygoer: Oh my Satan! Is your penis erecting!
O.F.C member: No! I don't have such vile thoughts in my head! Besides, my erection is based on the idea of me touching you in the nude!
[Numerous yakuza in the floor notice the member's blurb]
O.F.C member: I get the feeling that's frowned upon.
Bartender: Here's your fucking drink.
Crusoe: Thanks and fuck you, too!
[Aritzia then finds Axelrod in the hot tub with Rojas and Jessica. Nonplussed by what's happening, Axelrod listens]
Aritzia: There you are, husband! I have to tell you something! Assassins are sent to kill you!
Axelrod: (confused) Assassins? At this hour? I'm pretty sure the gangs we're at war with know the truce we agreed with, right?
Jessica: Um, yeah! We agree not to invade their territories in exchange that they don't interrupt your leisure time. (To Aritzia) Who's doing this?
Aritzia: Some weirdos! A woman, a tiny woman, and I think an Overlord!
Axelrod: I'm sure it might be that favor thing the Mafia would do from time to time. Either way, let me deal with it.
Aritzia: Do you need some assistance!? My venom can make those weirdos feel excruciating pain in…
Axelrod: No need. Whatever it is, it'll probably be benign.
[Suddenly, the elevator dings and out comes the Hazbin staff. Axelrod, petrified, leaps out the tub, grabs Rojas out of the tub and into the trapdoor, runs to his room, dresses himself in his casual attire, rethinks his actions, runs back, and comes out in his professional garb (suit, tie, slacks, loafers) to greet Charlie. Just then, an explosion is heard at the stairs door and out comes Husk and Vaggie, messy and covered in black soot, panting as Kuko, Sune, and Selaña appear with weapons drawn at them and the partygoers]
Axelrod: Awkward!
End of Chapter 1 Part 1