Hodgins spun back and forth in his chair as he clicked around the computer screen, bored. He was using cutting-edge satellite view that can be used to explore the furthest hidden beaches and dense jungles, search for plane wreckage and treasure and secrets in previously inaccessible remote places of the beautiful, wide world.

It's called Google Earth, and he was using it to scroll lazily across Minnesota.

"I didn't know they had a nuclear power plant." He muttered to himself.

Angela walked in behind him and took in the sad sight. "Honey. You can explore Pripyat in street view, why are you in Minnesota?"

"Why are you in my office?" Zack popped up from behind the plant.

"S'cuse me?"

"I hired him to come up with good comebacks for me. So he follows me around now." Hodgins explained.

"You're excused." Zack said quickly, then dropped behind the plant again.

"Okay, point taken." Angela held up her hands sarcastically. "Just came to say a large package arrived for you. And stop spinning that chair, it's not a spinny chair you're just scraping up the ground, and it's annoying everyone."

"My large package is here!?"

"He already has a large package." Zack popped up again.

"No he doesn't." Angela snapped.

The compliment-insult whiplash was so strong that Hodgins actually took psychic damage. He quickly forgot about it over the excitement of his large package.

He ran out to the loading dock. "Where's my package?"

A man wearing only a Speedo and holding a gift-wrapped box at crotch-height walked up to him. "Large package for Lance?" He cooed.

"Upstairs." Hodgins directed, pushing past him to the large cardboard box being unloaded. "Zack!"

Zack appeared behind him.

"Say something cool, like: it's go-time."

Zack gave a little shimmy, "It's showtime."

"Perfect!"

~/~

So. A few minutes later, the whole team was in Minnesota (because shows about the government can just do that, right?) standing in clearing in the woods Hodgins had found on Google Earth.

A large new machine stood next to him. "Behold!" He exclaimed.

"Can't. They sting." Booth said lamely.

Angela elbowed him.

"That's what was in the package?" Cam asked.

"Nope, that was just one part of it. This screw, to be exact." Hodgins screwed in a tiny spare piece that had been shipped in the large package. Why? Just because they can and this is America, I guess. "My invention is complete!"

"Wow, what does it do?" Brennan asked, but she was talking to an elf that climbed out of a tree trunk to offer her mushrooms.

"It digs dirt!" Hodgins said.

"This is definitely going somewhere." Booth rolled his eyes, but by the time his eyes got back around, there was a neat, large hole dug in the dirt, right next to the machine. "Holy shit!"

"Ehh, pretty good huh?" Hodgins nodded. "As an entomologist, I see a lot of bugs that will take key pieces of evidence from a crime scene and intentionally run away with them, tunneling far underground. Well. Not anymore, you motherfuckers." He gritted his teeth as if he were talking directly to the bugs.

"Bugs do not exhibit that behavior." Brennan said. She'd taken the mushrooms. "But I do!"

"Simmer down." Booth said. "Find your stupid bugs and let's go—"

Suddenly, everyone was hit with a strong cloud of gas, knocking them out instantly.

~/~

Everyone awoke tied to a tree, wrists and ankles bound. It was nighttime. A bonfire glowed in front of them.

Elves circled them and began chanting, lighting torches and doing crossword puzzles. Brennan had joined them.

"Bones! Help!" Booth fought his restraints, as did the rest of the team next to him.

The elves chanted something indiscernible.

"We disturbed their sacred land!" Brennan explained in a trance-like voice.

"Honey, did you take more mushrooms?" Angela asked.

"They offered the wisdom mushrooms, but I declined." Brennan said. "Instead, I took a secret."

A leader elf shouted something at Hodgins, and others joined in.

"They'll let us go if we help them!" Brennan translated.

"What language are they speaking?" Booth shouted over the noise.

Everyone stopped, briefly offended. Brennan looked at him incredulously. "Minnesotan, you idiot."

"Sorry!"

"They have an invasive species. If we can eradicate it, they'll let us go." Brennan explained.

Something jumped through the trees.

The elves started panicking and let out warning cries and disappeared into the tree trunks.

"Is that… Hannah Burley?" Cam asked as it whipped through the trees again.

One shy elf snuck from his hiding spot to cut the team loose.

"Thank you, little-" Angela started, but the elf was snatched up in a split second, letting out one final cry.

The team sprung to their feet and mobilized, totally ready to fight the Hannah.

"It's useless, she's too fast!"

"We need to burn the forest down!"

More small elves whimpered in fear.

Hodgins's machine had other ideas. With a feature Hodgins himself didn't know about, it sprouted a mechanical arm just as Hannah flew by again, and slam-dunked her into the bonfire. It was more like a Kan-Jam move, but not everyone gets that. Wait, is Kan-Jam becoming popular in other places? It was invented in my hometown so I have no way of knowing.

Anyway:

"Colby!" The machine shouted, although it sounded like Goofy.

"Kobe." Angela corrected, looking down at Hannah burn in the fire. "Close enough."

The elves burst from the trees in cheers of joy. They sang happy songs. The sun came out in the middle of the night, and while that sounds joyous, the actual implications of such an event are catastrophic.

The little elf who freed them dropped from the trees, badly injured and clinging to life.

"Baby!" Angela knelt down beside him, holding his hands as he took his last breaths. The same hands he'd used to free her just minutes before. She'll need therapy.

With his last breath, he squeaked out, "Avenge me…"

Angela burst out laughing. "We did! You missed it! Hahah!"

But he was already dead.

"We saved the elves, can we go now?" Booth asked.

Well. The term elf was very offensive to them.

The leader broke into English. "Have you no awareness?"

"Of what." Booth picked his nose.

"How dare you call us "elves""

"What should I call you." Booth dug out a big green booger. Hard on the inside with a layer of green mucus around it, like a nose meteor. He flicked it and heard it land.

"We are the gnomes! Are you not aware of our feature films? Sherlock Gnomes? Gnomeo and Juliet? And our latest, currently in post-production: Egnough Already, Please Gno More?"

"Oh." Booth recognized them now. "Well shit, if I'd known that we wouldn't have saved you!" Booth got into a fistfight with the eldest gnome.

"This is not where I saw my night going." Angela muttered.

~/~

a/n this is not where I saw this chapter going. help