The Decade in the Fanfic

Quick note: It's been over 10 years since we started this fanfic. If you couldn't tell by the shitty writing, we were 14 when we started this. If anyone reading this is OG, please comment holy shit that would be so cool. Haven't gotten a comment in the last few chapters so I can only assume you're all dead or in witness protection. My condolences. We've updated this story at least once a year (3.5 on average) since 2011. And we're not even near 50 LETS GOOOOOOO

This chapter is a bit reeled in from the past few chapters, a bit more grounded and a parody of Season 1. Minus the hannah burley part of course. We keep killing this poor woman and for what

I will reach 50. And once again that is a threat.

~/~

"Victim 1 is approximately 105 years of age, male, and dead." Brennan spoke into her autopsy recorder, leaning over a body on the lab table.

"And extraterrestrial." Zack added important context.

Booth swiped his card and stepped up onto the platform thingy. He took in the sight of the mess laying on the table. "What the fuck."

"Extraterrestrial." Zack repeated. He pulled out a pocket dictionary and navigated to the word. "Extraterrestrial: root from the English word rest which means to kick back or chill."

"I know literally everything about aliens." Hodgins said in the background but was ignored.

"Why the hell is there an alien on the autopsy table?" Booth simmered down a little, since crazy weird high-concept shit like this was fairly commonplace around here. It has to be, to keep up for 11 seasons. Was it 11? Or 12 or something? Or 10, idk. Maybe even 13 if we're feeling extra slutty.

"That's classified and highly confidential." Brennan said.

Booth just flashed his FBI badge which seems to get him whatever the hell he wants whenever so, it worked.

Brennan karate-kicked the badge out of his hand as a sign of acceptance and filled him in:

A spaceship orbiting Earth made by some trillionaire but I won't say which one you have to guess, (sidenote: trillionaire is such an absurdly large number that microsoft word does not recognize it) was struck by debris from a flying space car (guess I just spoiled the ending of F9) and knocked off orbit. As a result, it bumped into a satellite that bumped into another satellite which then bumped into the original spaceship. They were knocked back into the atmosphere and fortunately landed in water. Unfortunately, it was a kiddie pool. Turns out an alien had been sunbathing on satellite 2's solar panels and got knocked off when it was bumped, so he grabbed the closest thing he could reach, which was the spaceship. So he landed along with them.

Well, crashed. I really cannot overstate the absolute carnage of a scene this caused at the local community center splash pad. Luckily no children were present when this occurred. But it certainly angered said trillionaire because the intended landing location was an orphanage.

Brennan held up the skull of the alien and studied it. "Luckily the extraterrestrial bones appear to be comprised of a rubbery substance, so the full skeleton was able to withstand the fall."

Zack added, "However, any joints and ligaments were completely evaporated while accelerating through the atmosphere, so all we have are the bones, and no idea what order they go in."

"Great. Zack, figure out which way the bones go and put them in order,"

"It's scientifically impossible to know for sure."

"Angela, get me a facial reconstruction from the skull,"

"Sweetie, I've got nothing to base this off of. I don't even have tissue markers."

"Hodgins, scrape for particulates and find out if there's any possibility that the bones are human in origin." She directed.

"Dude, they're purple."

The bones were indeed a rubbery purple pile of jumbled pieces.

Brennan started to walk away. "Get those done while I go have sex in the car with Booth." She called back.

~/~

"Where are we going if there's nobody to interrogate?" Brennan asked.

"It's a car scene, Bones, we just talk."

"Anthropologically speaking these scenes are purely for squeezing in banter or exposition."

"I disagree, I think it's character development."

"That would involve psychology, which everyone knows is a dumb stupid worthless fake boring useless field of study." She really has a thing against psychology doesn't she? Which in itself is a psychological indicator of a deeper issue, but we'll get into that in later seasons.

"Simmer down, Bones, it's just a transition scene."

"And why do you never wear your seatbelt?"

"Uh… well I… it looks uncool."

"That's subjective, and it sets a bad example."

"For who? We're all adults who can make our own decisions."

"You know the majority of our audience is teenagers, right?"

"What? This is an adult show."

"I don't know why but teenagers latched onto it. And, middle aged women. Probably the latter group mostly for you. It was not our intended audience but that's what happened. Our audience is just a few years older than Imagine Dragons fans." Brennan pointed out.

"That hurts to hear."

"Why would that fact hurt your hearing?" Brennan leaned forward to look at his ears, once again switching back to being socially and linguistically clueless despite carrying a full conversation before. Because somebody had to punch up the script, why not let the weird janitor do it?

Just as Booth was feeling his own ear to check if the Imagine Dragons fact actually did cause physical harm, the car in front of him swerved to the left lane, with not enough time to react to the slowed car up ahead, which was now right in front of Booth. He slammed the brakes but still rear-ended the car pretty hard.

~/~

Despite slamming his head into the windshield, Booth was relatively okay because his head is as solid as a bowling ball and he clearly is indestructible. Brennan was fine because she wore her seatbelt.

The woman in the other car, however, hit the car in front of her, and did not have a bowling ball head and also was not wearing her seatbelt. I have two words to describe what she did to the road in front of her car after flying through the windshield: meat crayon

(look I know the physics don't work out just go with me on this)

Her unidentifiable body was brought back to the Jeffersonian to examine and identify, as there wasn't much flesh left.

"Oh my god, what happened?" Angela walked over, seeing Booth all bandaged up.

"Two objects tried to occupy the same space at the same time." Brennan informed her.

"…What?"

"We got in a car accident." Booth translated.

"Who's that?" Angela pointed to the woman on the lab table now next to the alien.

"Her name is Hannah Burley." Zack had been standing over her and inspecting the bones on a microscope. "I was able to identify marks on the bone from that time she idk fell off the swing when she was like 2 or something because that makes sense."

Booth held up a wallet. "You know we found her driver's license in the car."

"…oh."

"Never heard of this Hannah person." It's season 1, remember?

Brennan looked over the body. "Cause of death was definitely the meat-crayoning. Exsanguination, most likely."

"Classic meat-crayoning will do that to you." Hodgins mused.

"Can we please send the meat crayon to the morgue?" Angela had to turn away from the gross pile of flesh.

Brennan ignored her. "Mr. Addy, have you reassembled the extraterrestrial bones yet?"

Zack bowed, "Yes Dr. Brennan. Right here." He swept his arm through the air over the purple bones neatly laid out on the table in the shape of a snowflake.

"You think this being was shaped like a snowflake?" Brennan frowned.

"Well, this was also a possibility," Zack quickly rearranged the bones into the shape of what was undoubtedly Betty White.

"Okay, these bones do not belong to Betty White." Booth said.

"I don't know who that is, but the owner of these bones was 105 years old." Brennan of course.

"Yeah, Betty White is only 100." Booth replied.

"99, actually. In a few weeks she'll be 100." Angela reminded. She looked up and shook her fist at the sky, "I swear to GOD if you mess this up—"

"There's one last option," Zack rearranged the bones again. "This one makes the most sense anatomically, but admittedly I'm not comfortable with the idea." He put the last bone in place.

"Haha, it's a dong." Booth muttered.

"Mr. Addy this is completely inappropriate—"

"No wait," Hodgins cut Brennan off, leaning closer, a look of horror on his face.

Angela gasped when she realized, and stepped back. Booth also caught on and put a hand on his gun.

"What? What is it?" Brennan asked.

Zack opened his mouth to answer but Hodgins clapped a hand over his mouth. "Don't say it!"

"What? Someone tell me."

Booth was the one to say it, muttering quietly in awe and fear, "It's… Florida."

As if speaking the word aloud was a trigger, the bones began to rumble, drawing closer together as if by magnetic force, moving on their own, and finally a fully formed skeletal creature in the shape of fucking Florida stood up on the lab table.

Booth aimed his gun.

The creature appeared to look around despite not having eyes, and finally settled on the meat-crayoned Burley. It devoured Hannah Burley in one bite, said "Gotta blast" then blasted, shattering through the glass of the ceiling and into the sky.

"That… didn't happen, right?" Booth said.

"Right." Hannah said, standing next to him. Remember, ghosts are canonically real in this show. In that season 3 episode where Booth hallucinated his army friend, then at the cemetery at the end, the "hallucination" interacted with both Booth and Brennan. Brennan fucking talked to Booth's hallucination. Ghosts are canon. That happened.

As for the florida shaped alien… is he shaped after florida, or is florida shaped after him and his species? And Earth is just a drawing board for some higher being to push continents around but like really slowly? Or are we the blueprint that other creatures are based off of? Why are we phisophizing this when this story isn't even real?

Zack licked a little bit of blood off his glove when no one was looking.

~/~

Decade-celebration author's note, read if you want, not important. When I started this story I wanted to grow up to be a forensic anthropologist when we did a "careers" project in school. I figured that desire wouldn't last, like most 8th graders idea of what they want to be when they grow up. Since then though, I've gotten an Anthropology degree and a Film degree, and I'm an EMT so I guess somewhere those intersect with Bones in a weird crossroads of anthro, emergency/gore, and tv shows.

However, college fucking sucks and learning is hard as fuck and I would disintegrate if I had to go back for a master's or doctorate degree. So no fucking way to the forensic anthropologist thing. I'm sorry A couldn't be here for the 10 year celebration, we went separate ways for college and I haven't talked to her in at least 5 years, although, she's in town for the holidays so she's probably physically less than 100 feet away from me right now.

I'm on a Bones rewatch right now so I might get more chapters out without waiting 12 months this time. Admittedly I've never seen the later seasons so this'll be interesting for sure.