We All Need Somebody to Lean On
Marilla had faced a great many challenges in her long life but one morning she decided, that's enough. It is what it is and now I have to come to terms with it and make as good a life as I can. She squared her shoulders and got up, experiencing that brief moment of panic when she opened her eyes in the morning and saw ... nothing. Marilla would often dream that she was sighted but when she woke up she had a moment of confusion as the world did not jump back into view.
Apart from the loss of her beloved farm, perhaps the worst blow was the lack of independence. Rachel was there with her every step of the way, helping, guiding, listening, but Marilla no longer knew freedom. She couldn't just go for a walk on her own, or worse a drive. She had always loved driving. Just putting her foot down and finding herself where-ever. Of course, opportunities for that unbridled freedom were limited on PEI but the ferry beckoned and on occasion Marilla used it and pointed the car westwards and just went for it. Sure, she hadn't done that for years, but it was nice to know she could – except now she couldn't. Never again would she know the liberty of an open road.
Knitting was another loss. One of her favourite pastimes in past years was to sit by the radio or the television knitting up yet another scarf, hat or sweater. That seemed impossible to her now, and she fretted with her unused hands. Cooking was another joy that was denied her, or at least the chopping beforehand that she always found quite soothing. In time she found she could manage these activities again, knitting was mostly counting and if she was careful with the knife, she could chop any vegetable, though she nicked a few fingers while she sorted out her limits.
They say that your remaining senses augment the lost one. In Marilla's case rather than her hearing it was her sense of smell. She unnerved Rachel at times by greeting her before she had opened her mouth, the distinctive rose water perfume announcing her arrival more vividly than her voice might.
If Rachel had been out for any length of time, Marilla's response would be quite visceral, as even now desire would loop around her abdomen. At least that was one thing that she did not need sight for. She had thought she knew every centimetre of Rachel's body but it was only when she explored with her fingers that she truly got to know it, from the small raised bumps on Rachel's areola to the slickness within her vulva; the fine hair on her ear lobe and the crinkly depths of her belly button, that small mole on her inner thigh. Marilla traced her hands over and over Rachel's face reacquainting herself with her laughter lines, the fine wrinkles at the edge of her lips, her double chins and her aquiline nose.
After driving into town one morning Rachel helped Marilla out of the car and asked, "are you sure you'll be alright now?"
"Of course." Marilla's extreme fear manifested as it often did in waspishness.
"Okay then off you go," Rachel gave her a little push in the right direction and watched as Marilla momentarily faltered then pulled herself together and set off down the street the now familiar staccato tapping of her cane like a metronome fading into the streetscape.
Rachel sighed before she got back into the car. She raised her hand to wave at Marilla when she passed her out of habit but realised half-way up that it was in vain, she lowered it again hoping that no one had noticed then turned down a side street towards the library. She had a study meeting planned.
The street was busy with cars honking, dogs clattering along on their nails, an array of shoes: the deeper sound of men's brogues and the clicking of ladies' stilettos, it washed over Marilla in a cacophony as she concentrated hard on the task at hand. She was due to meet Giuseppe for lunch at a cafe some blocks away. Rachel had purposely dropped her off early to give Marilla some practice. She was getting pretty good at navigating the house and farm now, but town was a different not to say terrifying proposition.
Giuseppe was waiting for her. They had agreed to meet at 12.30pm. When he glanced at his watch he noticed Marilla was late; he hoped she hadn't run into any trouble. He purposefully sat looking towards the door so he could see her arrive. A few minutes later he saw Marilla hesitate on sidewalk and ask advice from a passer-by. They must have said what she wanted to hear because she nodded and he assumed said her thanks. Giuseppe got to his feet and wove his way through the tables to greet her as she entered. "Miss Marilly," he said with a smile.
Marilla's relief was palpable. Out on the street her nerves were at full alert, but with Giuseppe's simple greeting she relaxed knowing she was safe with him there. "Come I have a table over here; do you want some water?" he offered.
She nodded, almost beyond speech. He poured the water and placed the glass into her outstretched hands. She swallowed hard.
"How was that?"
Marilla carefully placed the glass down on the table and took some deep breaths. "Challenging."
"Tell me," Giuseppe said.
"Well," Marilla started. "It was okay at first. I found the cane informed me as you would expect. I think most people avoided me too which helped."
"Mm hm," Giuseppe watched as Marilla relaxed into her story.
"I had mapped out my trip with Rachel beforehand, so I knew how many blocks I had to walk. I waited at the first curb for the lights to change and that's when it happened."
"When what happened?"
"What's with people grabbing me and dragging me across the road?" Marilla snapped all of a sudden.
Giuseppe laughed not unkindly, "ah you got one of those did you. I hear it's quite common."
"Common?"
"People think they're helping. You're standing at a curb so obviously they take you with them," Giuseppe said wryly.
"But I didn't want to cross that road."
"Doesn't matter all that much it's actually about them not you. Your Samaritan will believe they did you a good turn."
"Well they didn't because then I was stranded on the wrong side."
"Yep," Giuseppe took a sip of water.
"And when I asked them to take me back, they got angry with me for wasting their time." Marilla was practically shaking with incandescent rage at the memory.
"It's really frustrating I know, but you managed to get back?"
"What? Oh yes, some kind helpful person assisted me. After that it was easy enough to find my way here and I asked for directions just before I arrived."
"Well done, it wasn't easy I'm sure."
"You folks want to eat?" Marilla jumped when the waitress started talking by her shoulder.
"Yes please," Marilla said after a pause.
The waitress held out a menu snapping her gum as she waited but when Marilla did not take it, she chucked it down on the table saying "please yourself," and stalked off.
"What are the specials?" Marilla asked to her disappearing back.
"Sorry," Giuseppe said. "She's gone."
"What?"
"She must have missed that you were blind, when you didn't take the menu she left in a huff. Here let me, I'll tell you what's what."
"You could've said something," muttered Marilla grumpily. She had been looking forward to her outing, to exploring her newfound independence but it was not working out at all as she expected.
"Where would be the fun in that and what would you learn?" Giuseppe said maddeningly practical as always.
"Humph," Marilla's shoulders sagged.
"Now let's see there's all the usual suspects," said Giuseppe ignoring her. "What sort of thing do you want?"
When the waitress returned, they ordered, and they waited until she left before they continued their conversation. "Tell me more about these so-called Samaritans. How can I avoid them next time?" Marilla pressed.
"I don't know that there's much you can do. You can dig your heels in, I guess. Don't forget your cane, you can brandish that if nothing else works," Giuseppe said with a laugh. "We should get you talking to some other blind folks, they might have some better advice."
Having dropped Marilla off Rachel drove to the library. She had a study session planned with Juliet and she was looking forward to talking about something different. Lately her life had been consumed with Marilla's struggles. Inwardly she berated herself for her selfishness, but really, she needed a break.
Juliet was already there her books strewn out across a table scribbling in a notebook. "Good morning," Rachel crept up on her and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Rachel, so pleased you could make it," Juliet said loudly then clapped her hand over her mouth when the librarian looked sternly in their direction. "Sorry, so good to see you," said Juliet in an exaggerated whisper. "Come sit by me," she patted the chair next to her. "I need to talk to you about my essay."
Rachel set her bag on the floor and sat down. Juliet was a willowy woman with jet black curly hair and the most gorgeous brown eyes. Her little button mouth broke into the most amazing smile as she told Rachel what she was trying to do. Rachel tried to listen but found herself drifting off. Juliet glanced across at her and found she was staring out into the middle distance. "This is boring, let's go for a drive," she announced suddenly.
"A drive?" Rachel was jolted back into the present.
"Why not? I'm stuck and I need some fresh air. I suspect you do too." Rachel couldn't argue with that and she picked up her bag and followed Juliet out to her car. "We'll come back for yours later, Rachel. Jump in my car."
Funny, thought Rachel, she hadn't thought about it, but it had been a long while since anyone had driven her anywhere. She watched the streetscape flash by, it was rather nice really. Juliet sensed Rachel just needed to be quiet so she turned on the radio instead of speaking and turned the car towards the beach.
They sat in the car park looking out at the ocean. Juliet waited, listening to the sound of the waves lapping in and out in and out. Rachel remembered lazy long-ago days, "it's just," she began. "It's just oh I dunno. This life did not turn out the way I expected."
"Does anyone's?" Juliet asked gently.
Rachel glanced across with a smile, "I guess not." A pause, "but still. Marilla gets scared, I mean I get it. I would too, but I can't leave her for a minute. I was at the beck and call of my family for so many years; and I find myself in the same position now."
"Are you going to leave her?"
"No," Rachel shook her head. "I mean I can't leave her now, can I? What sort of a monster would that make me? I haven't made any vows as such, but I have to stick with her."
"You make it sound like a penance."
Rachel snorted, "I suppose so. I don't mean it that way. I couldn't be apart from her," she looked up at Juliet sharply. "Marilla is my love. But," she sighed deeply, "that's not to say I can stand to be at her side every second of the day."
A woman walked past, her black labrador chased a ball with a sort of frantic slobbery enthusiasm. They watched it emerge from the surf in a surge, drop the ball and shake the water from its coat, the droplets spraying out in an arc. The owner laughed and sprang back out of the way. Juliet spoke first, "It must be hard on you. She's not the only one suffering."
Few people had offered Rachel any comfort. Marilla was the one who needed the most support, but that didn't mean she liked being taken for granted. Juliet gently took hold of Rachel's hand and just held it. They sat like that for a long while watching the surf. Eventually Rachel noticed the time. "I suppose we better be getting back. I have to pick Marilla up her lunch will be over soon, and she'll be wondering where I am."
"Anytime you need some company, Rachel, I'll be here for you," Juliet said as the engine came to life.
"Thank you for that my dear, it's appreciated."
Marilla and Giuseppe were waiting for her outside the cafe, even from a distance Rachel could see that Marilla was dancing with impatience. "You're late, where were you? You said you'd be here at 2.30 and now it's, it's ... what time is it Giuseppe?" Marilla accused her when she climbed out of the car.
Giuseppe smiled languidly, "it's only 2.35. It's no problem Miss Rachel."
"Sorry to have kept you waiting," Rachel said annoyed at Marilla's attitude. "We got caught up in our work." It was only a small lie, she thought to herself. She had got caught up, if not in her work.
"You were so rude to keep us waiting," Marilla said in an annoyed tone as they drove home. "Poor Giuseppe had other things to do. I felt so embarrassed."
Fearing an outburst Rachel bit her tongue and let Marilla rave. She knew the rage was directed more at the situation than at her and feared the ramifications if she tried to defend herself. It made her happier than ever that she had left the library that afternoon rather than buckling down to her study. Such moments of spontaneity were few and far between these days.