Flight
"Ah ha, yep. Sounds great. I'll get Marilla to call you back. No that's great. Looking forward it. Great, yeah, bye." Matthew replaced the receiver in its cradle and jotted down a few notes. He knew his spelling was wrong but couldn't figure out what it should be. He hoped Rachel would understand.
Just as he was heading out to bring the stock in the ladies arrived home from their day out, Marilla from her group session and Rachel from study. "You had a phone call, Marilla." Matthew told her as he went out to check on the stock. "I took a message, just in case."
"Let me see," Rachel held her hand out. "Gius seppe called? Who on earth is that?"
Marilla started to laugh, "how on earth have you spelt it Matthew?" she called after him.
"He's written J.U.I.C.E. S.E.P.P.Y. Marilla. Now I ask you who is that?"
Marilla could barely speak for laughter. "That's Giuseppe of course, my Giuseppe. Juice Seppy I have to sit down." Still laughing she felt her way to the kitchen table and sat down holding her stomach. "Oh, I haven't laughed like that for ages," she puffed wiping the tears from her eyes as a stray giggle kept bursting forth.
"Here's some tea," Rachel said placing it down in front of her. Rachel was pleased to see Marilla laughing.
Rachel sat down opposite her and sipped. She looked across at Marilla wondering what would happen to the two of them. She loved her with all her heart but living with Marilla right now was not easy. Her struggles were momentous, and she was fighting back against her affliction as hard as she could and Rachel got it, she really did. She couldn't imagine how difficult it must be but, in her struggle, she was isolating the very people who could help her and Rachel who had gone unloved for so very long did not think she could bear it much more.
"I should ring him back," said Marilla interrupting Rachel's musings.
"Who?"
"Giuseppe of course. Will you dial the phone for me?"
Rachel rolled her eyes and smiled, Marilla rarely acknowledged it even now but she did need her, for all manner of tiny tasks.
"Giuseppe, it's Marilla. Yes, yes looking forward to it. No there's no need to bring anything." A pause. "Oh well, I suppose you can bring a bottle of wine if you feel you must. Um oh around 7.00 I suppose. Wonderful, see you then."
"That's settled then," she said as she attempted to place the receiver back in its cradle several times. Rachel got to her feet and took it out of her hands and did it for her. Marilla was annoyed, "you should have left it to me. I nearly had it."
Rachel did not deign to answer and instead walked up to the bathroom.
"Welcome, welcome how good of you to come," Marilla was all smiles for Giuseppe and his partner Stan despite snapping at Rachel two minutes earlier. Rachel followed her out more slowly. "Come in, you know Rachel of course." Giuseppe took Rachel's hand and kissed it then handed over a large bunch of flowers. Tears came to Rachel's eyes and she turned away hoping he had not noticed. It had been a long time since anyone had given her flowers. A note nestled within the stems. Using the excuse that she had to find a vase she sat down to read the note, the hubbub of chatter in the background. Dear Rachel, these are just for you because we know their colour will be lost on you-know-who. I do not say this to be unkind but reading between the lines I suspect you are going through a rough patch at present. Hold the course, we will get her through this. Best regards Giuseppe.
The others spilled chattering into the kitchen and Rachel looked up at Giuseppe with tears of gratitude. It meant a great deal to her to have him acknowledge her struggles. Their eyes met momentarily then she rose to put some water in the vase. "Where are you Rachel?" Marilla called. "Giuseppe and Stan bought some wine."
"What a cosy kitchen," Stan remarked.
"It's a bit messy," said Rachel apologetically.
"Makes it feel more homely," said Stan comfortingly. Rachel smiled. Honestly, she had almost forgotten how to be easy with other people. After a lifetime of treading on eggshells with Thomas and now Marilla, Rachel felt she was always on tenterhooks. It was just nice to be relaxed; that Stan was a handsome young man didn't hurt either.
They had a pleasant afternoon chatting, laughing over funny stories and enjoying each other's company but as soon as they left Marilla's shutters came back down and she frostily walked out of the kitchen.
That night Rachel tried to talk to her. "Marilla," she started after dinner. "We need to talk."
"What about?" said Marilla coldly.
"This isn't working. I know," she added when she saw Marilla take a deep breath. "I know it's not easy for you either, I understand. But I feel like I can never do anything right, that you're unhappy with me all the time. I'm miserable."
"Well it isn't much fun for me either you know."
"I do know, but..."
"But what," Marilla snapped.
"Nothing, it's fine," Rachel gave up. Marilla was not in the mood to listen to her, to acknowledge that it was not only her but Rachel too who was suffering.
She crept downstairs first thing in the morning and found Matthew up and about. He poured her a cup of coffee and they sat down at the kitchen table together.
Matthew spoke first, "I know it's hard on you. She loves you so much, but she's never been good at seeing," he shot her a wry grin at the use of that word. "At seeing anyone else's perspective. It won't be easy for her, specially now but you do need some freedom, or she'll lose you altogether. Have you um, tried talking to her?"
"I have, I tried again last night, she just got on her high horse. She wants to be the victim and can't perceive that it's difficult for me too," Rachel looked at Matthew over the rim of her cup. "I can't go on much longer like this Matthew. Not after Thomas. I lived in fear for too long." Matthew placed his weathered hand over hers. "Just a little longer, please. She needs you, deep down there's love there still."
"It's pretty well submerged and I don't know if I can wait for it to resurface," replied Rachel as she drank the dregs of her coffee.
As usual Rachel dropped Marilla off on the corner in town and drove off to the library to study. Despite her abortive sessions with Juliet she still enjoyed the change of scenery and it made sense to go there after bringing Marilla to town. She set up her textbooks and notes, she had a paper due. Her attention was diverted a couple of hours later by the sound of a couple giggling in a nearby cubicle. The desks were designed for singles but these two were crammed in, she on his knee and it was obvious not much study was being attempted. After a while Rachel gave up and instead of attempting to ignore them thought of her own situation. Once upon a time she and Marilla might have been this couple, but now. Well it had been a long time since Marilla had paid her any attention, had kissed or whispered sweet nothings in her ear. It came to her in a rush, her situation was untenable.
"Mum!"
Rachel stood at Lucy's door hair bedraggled, cardigan falling from her shoulders opening crying.
"Mum? What is it? What's the matter?"
Rachel crossed the threshold and practically fell into Lucy's arms causing her to stagger. "come in, come in," Lucy looked past her mother expecting to see Marilla, but she was alone.
"Mum, where's Marilla?" Rachel had driven to Lucy in a state and now was beyond speech; she shook her head. "Mum, where is she? Is she alright?" Lucy led Rachel into her small kitchen and made her sit down. "I'm just going to ring Matthew." The phone rang for a long time until eventually Matthew picked up, "Green Gables," he said panting. "Sorry I was out in the barn. Doesn't seem to be anyone else home."
"Dad it's me, Lucy. I have Mum here. She's okay, I guess. She seems pretty upset. No, I don't know. I just thought you oughta to know. Oh, I'll ask her."
"Mum where is Marilla?" Lucy asked as she turned around. "Dad said you were supposed to bring her home." When Rachel made no answer, Lucy set the receiver down on the counter and knelt down by her knees. "Mum tell us, where's Marilla? I'll send Matthew to go pick her up."
"Blind Centre," whispered Rachel. "I, I…," she lapsed into sobs once again.
"Dad, Mum says she's still at the Centre. Right, yep I think that's for the best. Yeah, I'll be in touch. Bye, love you."
Lucy's plans for the evening looked like they were on hold. She found a box of tissues and plonked them down in front of her mother. Rachel took one to dab her eyes and heartily blew her nose. Lucy leaned back on the counter and watched for a moment before turning and setting the kettle on the two-ring stove. She did not speak to Rachel again, but left her to it. Rachel had been unhappy for a few weeks now, that much she knew but Lucy hadn't thought it was this bad. When the kettle sang out, she made a pot of tea. Usually she subsisted on teabags, but she knew her mother did not approve and anyway the ceremony of it gave her something to do. Rachel was slowing down now but apart from the odd hiccup was still silent. She watched while Lucy poured the tea and after a couple of sips of tea, she whispered, "I just couldn't … I had to get away, I …" she glanced up at Lucy. "it's been terrible. I've been having nightmares. I feel like I'm back there."
"There? You mean with him?"
Rachel nodded, "it's the constant nagging, no love just anger."
"Can Marilla really be like that?" Lucy was shocked, sure Marilla was a bit stern when she was younger, but she and Rachel always seemed so carefree together. Rachel brought out the laughter in Marilla and they just seemed so natural together.
"I wouldn't have thought so, before," Rachel took another sip of the scalding tea. "I mean I know she's angry at everything right now, but it's like she blames me." A solitary tear traced down her cheek.
Marilla sat on the bench waiting for Rachel to arrive. They had had a good session; some idiot laid their hands on another woman as a way of providing some sort of holy prayer of benediction. They hadn't even asked first but had just plonked their hands down and started talking in tongues; it was completely unnerving. Marilla had been simultaneously pleased and dismayed to know that her experiences weren't unique. The session had ended some time ago though and Marilla was still waiting for Rachel to turn up. The wind had turned quite chilly and she was getting cold. Impatiently she sat beginning to get a bit frustrated. "Marilla," was that Rachel? "Still waiting?" no it was the counsellor, Ruth.
"Yes, I don't know where my ride is, she's never this late."
"We're closing soon, but you're welcome to wait inside. You'll catch your death out here." She helped Marilla to her feet and guided her back into the reception area. "Do you want me to make a phone call for you, or you can make it yourself." Marilla hated asking for help, hated telling the woman she still struggled with dialling numbers on the rotary phone, but she nodded and asked her to anyway. Something had gone wrong and she needed to get home. She told Ruth the number then took the receiver from her when it was time. The phone rang and rang. She expected it would take a while, Matthew was most probably out in the barn, but even he should have got there eventually. When it was apparent there really was no one home she started panicking. "I'm sure everything's okay," Ruth soothed seeing Marilla's distress. "Come we'll just get you a hot drink and I'll wait with you."
"No, I don't want to keep you. I'll just wait outside."
"Don't be silly. I'm not going to leave you on your own in this weather and at this time of night. Come sit down and we'll wait for someone to come. If there's no answer at home, it's probably because they're on their way to pick you up."
Marilla sat down and wrung her hands nervously. "I just have to make a couple of phone calls," Ruth said. "You wait here. Are you warm enough?"
"What? Oh yes, I'm fine thank you. I hate to put you out."
"Not a problem at all. We'll have a good chat while we're waiting. We don't really get a chance in the group setting." They sat together making polite conversation but Marilla found it hard to keep track. She was worried about Rachel.
When Matthew eventually turned up she asked him feverishly, "where is she? Where's Rachel? What's going on? Did she have an accident? Is she alright?"
"Sh, wait I can't get a word in edgewise," Matthew interjected. "She's fine, she's with Lucy."
"Lucy? What's she doing with Lucy? Did she forget me?"
"No," said Matthew sadly. "She didn't forget you. She, um, she needs a break."
"A break?" Marilla was shocked. "A break? She just abandoned me. What's that all about then?"
"Lucy called me about an hour ago and I came to find you. That's all I know."
"Take me to Lucy's right away then."
"No, I don't think so."
"What? I demand you take me there." Matthew drove on despite her protestations. Eventually when they returned home, he turned to her and noticed how very angry she was. "Look Mar I know you're upset, but Rachel needed some respite. She um, hasn't been happy for a while now."
"She hasn't been happy? I'm the one who's blind!"
"Yep," said Matthew simply as he got out of the car.
"I just can't understand her," Marilla said at intervals that evening. "Call her for me Matthew,"
"Nope. We're leaving her alone for the time being."
"I'd ring her myself, but I find telephones difficult."
"Leave it Marilla."
"But, but…"
"Marilla," said Matthew in a warning tone. "She obviously needs some space, ya gotta let her have it."
Marilla muttered to herself, but without any means of communicating with Rachel at present had to let it go. She was livid though. Furious that she had been abandoned and angry that no one seemed to care.
Lucy woke up and found Rachel cleaning the kitchen. "It's alright Mum you don't have to you know."
"Goodness me Lucy this place is in a state. Crumbs everywhere, you'll get mice. I'll just clean the stove top and then," she cast her eyes around for the next task.
"Please Mum just relax. For once you can just have a break, can't you?"
"Yes, yes after I clean this and then I should probably do the bathroom. I briefly saw the state of that last night, hair everywhere," Rachel shuddered.
Lucy was annoyed, it's not as though she had any warning, her mother had just fetched up on her doorstep. If she had been expecting her, she would have cleaned in advance, but now her mother saw her in her natural state and was judging her for it. Still she knew stress cleaning when she saw it. Tip toeing around Rachel she attempted to avoid her as much as possible despite the small apartment.
Still by day three it was getting out of hand. Rachel was still cleaning. She must have scrubbed the bath five times. Having tutted over the state of Lucy's pantry she had been shopping so the cupboards and fridge were heaving with food Lucy doubted she'd have time to eat before it went off.
Lucy decided to call her father to see how things were going at Green Gables.
"She's miserable," he said flatly. "And she's drivin' me crazy."
"This place has never been cleaner," Lucy reported.
"Green Gables is a bit of a tip," admitted Matthew glancing at the dirty dishes languishing in the sink. "And Marilla does nothing but mope around. She's even stopped going out. I can barely persuade her to get out of bed. She was pretty cross at first, but now she just cries all the time.
"What shall we do Dad?"
Matthew scratched his head, "Can we get them back together? I dunno I think they might be better off, whaddaya think?"
"For my sanity I think we have to. Mum isn't going anywhere. Honestly, I don't want her staying here indefinitely, I want my life back," Lucy said bluntly.
They hatched a plan and promised to see each other the next day.
For some reason getting out the door was always slower with Matthew in charge. He just hadn't the knack of getting her organised like Rachel had, as a result he dropped Marilla off slightly later than usual. "You've got fifteen minutes will that be enough?"
"Should be fine. Thank you, Matthew." Marilla had learnt that it didn't do good to snap at her helpers, but she was annoyed still with luck it wouldn't matter. Tap tap tap, she counted her steps and drew up at the curb to wait for the lights like everyone else. She'd almost stopped jumping when someone grabbed her by the elbow, but it was still disconcerting. "Here let me help you," said one unhelpful man turning her in the wrong direction.
"No thank you, I'm fine," Marilla said firmly.
When the man ignored her, she spoke up more loudly. "Please let go of me, I'll be fine." But he was propelling her across the road now, she'd felt the different surface under her feet. "Excuse me, can we stop?"
"We're in the middle of the road now, can't stop here. We're nearly there. Then you'll be as good as gold," he said.
Marilla knew she was running late but unwilling to be left stranded on the wrong side of the road was getting upset with this insistent man now. She stopped dead and flat out refused to move. "Come on, what are you doing? You can't stop here," he ordered.
"No, take me back please."
He started tugging at her and the car horns began to beep at this couple who were engaged in some strange sort of dance in the middle of the highway. Marilla completely overwhelmed with the cacophony of noise surrounding her became even more flustered. When the man continued to pull her in the wrong direction the words of her group friends came to mind and she used the only weapon to hand, namely her cane. She lashed out in the direction she thought her attacker, as she began to think of him, was. She struck home on the second try and heard the man shout out in pain. He dropped her there and then and fled, anxious to get away from this mad woman.
Unfortunately, this left Marilla stranded in the middle of the road. She turned around 180 degrees and then 180 again casting her cane around her in bewilderment. Which way now? The car horns continued to sound becoming more strident as she ineffectually turned in small circles. Eventually someone came to her aid. A woman had stopped her car and upon seeing what the matter was realised this blind pedestrian needed some assistance. Ignoring the traffic she got out of her car and weaved through the cars. She had a blind aunt and knew just how to approach Marilla. She held her hand up to make the drivers stop. "Hello," she called out gently. "Let me help you there."
Marilla barely heard her but jumped when she felt the woman's gentle touch on her elbow. "Here I have you. Let's get you off the road. Where are you headed?" Marilla took a big breath, the honking had finally subsided, but she knew now that she was in a terrible spot and later when she stopped to think about it realised how dangerous the situation was. "The Blind Centre," she said breathlessly to the woman.
"Right, of course. Here it's on this side of the street," she said calmly. "Just come with me."
Once they got to the curb Marilla gratefully stepped up and stood shakily on the sidewalk.
"Want to tell me how you ended up there?" the woman said.
"Some idiot assumed I needed to cross the road," Marilla explained.
"Will you be alright now? Will you be able to get there on your own, or would you like me to escort you?"
Marilla desperately wanted to prove her independence and get there under her own steam, but honestly after her ordeal doubted she could manage it. All she really wanted to do was collapse into Rachel's comforting arms, but there was no chance of that. "Could, could you help me please?" she said, hating herself but knowing she needed the assistance.
"Sure, no worries, my car is just over there. How about I drive you down? I should introduce myself, I'm Juliet."
"Thank you, Juliet. I really appreciate it."
"It's no bother. It's on my way. I'm going to the library to study."
"Well you came to my rescue, so thank you for that too."
"Well I did what anyone should do in that situation. I could see you were stranded and lost."
Marilla shivered, it had been a bad moment.
Damn traffic, swore Rachel as she drove along the busy road. Must be a hold up, somewhere. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel and flicked the radio on to wile away the time. Now the drivers were tooting their horns with even more gusto than before. What was happening? Once the car ahead finally started to move she glanced to her right and nearly caused another accident when she saw Marilla being escorted off the road by Juliet. What on earth? Having nearly driven into the back of the car in front she slammed on her brakes so hard the car behind nearly drove into her. He slammed on his brakes and then the horn in quick succession but Rachel was oblivious. She cut out of her lane and turned right. Parking the car and fumbling the lock, she raced down the road to find them.
"Good morning, Rachel," said Juliet coolly when Rachel reached them.
"Rachel?" said Marilla in shock. "What are you doing here?"
"I was just about to ask you the same question," Rachel said breathlessly.
"Poor Marilla here had a bit of a nasty experience. I just rescued her," explained a bemused Juliet. "I thought you usually dropped her off?"
"Um that is to say, um," Rachel fumbled for an answer.
"Rachel and I have been taking a break," interrupted Marilla annoyed that they were talking about her as if she wasn't there. It had been her experience, why were they ignoring her?
"Sorry. Do you want to come with me then?" Rachel asked.
Marilla hesitated, Rachel had abandoned her after all and Juliet had been so kind. "Um," she clutched Juliet's arm for support, a gesture which did not go unnoticed by either of the two sighted women.
Rachel's heart plunged. "I'll take her the rest of the way. You must be in a hurry," she said to Juliet pointedly.
"No, I've got plenty of time," said Juliet carelessly.
"Marilla," said Rachel not wanting to beg.
Almost reluctantly Marilla let go of Juliet and turned towards Rachel. Rachel held her breath. If Marilla rejected her now then there would be no hope of reconciliation. Marilla reached out and Rachel took her hand. Marilla turned back towards Juliet saying, "thank you for all your help Juliet. You really saved me back there, if it weren't for you I could still be stuck there or worse."
"It was my pleasure," said Juliet almost sadly, not that she needed Marilla's sort of complication in her life right now.
Rachel watched her walk away momentarily then turned to Marilla, "shall we go. The car's just around the corner. How about a cup of coffee?"
Marilla nodded, "that would be nice."
Matthew looked up in surprise later that day when Rachel's distinctive lime green but mud spattered Volvo drove down the driveway. He heaved a sigh of relief when the two women made their way into the house together.
Rachel stirred the next morning and when she felt the movement Marilla reached out and laid her arm across Rachel's chest and snuggled into her side, "I missed this," she said quietly.
"Me too," said Rachel as she reached under Marilla's shoulders and hugged her close. The weak dawn light was just coming through the windows, "the sun is rising," she said.
"I know," replied Marilla drowsily.
"How?"
"The birds, I can hear their morning chorus, can't you? I've been listening to a cardinal and a robin for a few minutes now. They always sound so cheerful, don't they? They inform me when it's daybreak and for that I give thanks."
Rachel manoeuvred around onto her shoulder, "really? How clever you are, does anything else help you through the day?"
"Well the crickets tell me when it's dusk, they pipe up like clockwork."
"Goodness I barely hear them anymore."
"Well when you can't rely on the light, these things help."
"Of course, I just admire your ingenuity."
"You know," said Marilla changing the subject abruptly. "I was talking with Giuseppe the other day."
"Mm."
"He thinks the reason I'm so emotional is that I'm trying to get my life back, you know to how it was before."
Rachel nodded then realised she was required to say something, so she said, "mm," again.
"But," continued Marilla. "That's not possible. I have to adjust. My old life is over for good. I'm just getting frustrated when I strive to bring it back. I think that's why I've been such a beast. I know keep saying that's what I need to do, but I just find it so hard to let go."
"The change has been seismic," murmured Rachel as she stroked Marilla's hair. "No wonder you've been upset."
"But that doesn't give me leave to be so vile to you. I can't believe how awful I've been. You of all people, you my gorgeous love who has been by my side all this time. Oh, Rachel, how could I?" Rachel felt now was the time she was supposed to say it was alright, but it hadn't been. It had been so very awful she hadn't been able to stay. "I was beastly, wasn't I?" Marilla reiterated.
"I feel you want me to say it wasn't that bad and I can't. I was having nightmares again, Marilla. You really were making me miserable. But then I was wretched without you."
"I promise I'll try to behave better, to acknowledge all you do for me, not to take you for granted," Marilla was sobbing now. "I never, never want to lose you again my darling. I just, I just couldn't bear it."
"Sh, sh, I hope not. I plan to stay with you forever."
"For ever and ever?"
"Yes, but you..."
"I know I have to behave myself. I can't promise I won't ever lose my temper. But it's not you I'm angry with. It's the," Marilla waved her arm about, "situation. I've always tried to be the strong one, the protector and it's not easy for me to let go of that role and feel so vulnerable now."
Rachel thought about her words and replied, "when you helped me get away from Thomas you spent so much time building me up to be strong. You kept planting these seeds. Now it's time for those seeds to blossom. Let me look after you now," Rachel pulled her in closer. "I think we deserve a lazy day," she yawned. "I'm sleepy."
Marilla trailed a succession of light kisses down Rachel's chest and felt the nipple grow taut against her cheek, "you'll be too sleepy for this then."
"Well I might be persuaded," said Rachel lasciviously. "I just might." and she snuggled into the pillows to let Marilla continue her work.
"It's just as well," Marilla said later when they lay entwined together limpid after their exertions.
"Mm?" sighed Rachel on the verge of sleep.
"It's just as well lamb was not on the menu that night."
"Mm," Rachel roused enough to add, "you got off lightly, it was touch and go there for a moment." Marilla couldn't see her smile, but she heard the humour in her words.