"Are you excited? I'm excited."
Meredith giggled. God, it was like looking after a little kid. "Yes, Derek. I know you're excited."
"You don't seem excited."
"I am happy, and glad, and looking forward to it. But I'm not...excited."
He smiled mischievously as he crossed his arms over his chest, "I'm going to tell her you said that."
"What? Derek! No!" She shoved his shoulder a little. "You meanie. You know I didn't mean it like that."
He smiled. "Mmm. But you said it. You're not excited to see her."
"I just meant I'm not as coo-coo-bananas as you about it all."
"Well-" He paused as he saw her, and beamed. God, he was so excit-
"Hello! How are you? Are you good? Have they been treating you well? Have they been giving you enough treats because you and I both know how much you love and, of course, how much you deserve all the treats in the whole world. Yes, you do. Oh, yes, you do!" Meredith squealed as she brushed Lucky the best she could while she was running round her in circles, the lead that she had pulled out of the kennel worker's hand at the sight of her owners following her.
Derek rolled his eyes. Not excited? Seriously? What a liar. "Mer-"
"Aren't you just the most beautiful doggy in the world? Yes. Yes, you are-"
"Meredith-"
"I know it's only been four days but oh, I've just missed you so much. Yes, I have. You're just so, so, so c-" She paused as her eyes met Derek's. He did not look impressed.
She cleared her throat timidly as she stood, looking to the floor. "Okay. Fine. Maybe I was excited afterall."
He smiled. "Yeah. I'd say so."
"So, Dr Shepherd, tell me about the pain."
"It's...bad enough that I'm here."
He smiled a little. He wasn't surprised that Derek didn't want to talk about his pain. "I like to get a full picture of all of my patients so I want to hear everything- treat me as your surgeon, your occupational therapist and your psychotherapist, all at the same time. So...what does 'it's bad enough that I'm here' actually mean?"
"You can ask Meredith, I'm stubborn as hell when it comes to this-"
"You don't need to ask, I'll tell you right now- he sucks at this. Big time. Whoever said doctors make the worst patientsdefinitelyknew what they were on about."
He smiled. "Right. Well, I'm glad you're here now because from the phone call I received, it sounds like you need something done rather desperately. So...tell me more."
"It's...pretty bad. In my back and my legs."
Meredith's hand squeezed his tighter. Much, much, much tighter. She hated pain. She never liked it, but nowadays it was her least favourite thing in the entire world.
"Right." He agreed. "And neurologically?"
"Sometimes I have pretty bad allodynia and hyperglesia, and the pain is horrendous because my legs just feel so sensitive, but other times-"
"He put a tray that had just come out of the oven on his lap once." Meredith filled in for him, although she barely gave him more than a millisecond to hesitate. "He didn't notice. He didn't even flinch."
"But I was fine. Sort of." Sort of. As if that wasn't the night he almost lost the love of his life because he couldn't handle her witnessing the pain any longer. "I also uh- the arachnoiditis comes with the normal shocks. Short, but pretty painful. Then I've had muscle cramps and spasms since my accident, but they don't bother me overly. Not compared to the pain I'm experiencing basically 24/7 nowadays."
He nodded. "And if I asked you to rate the pain, what would you say?"
"It's...okay."
"Have you ever not been able to get to sleep because it was too much?"
"Yeah." He admitted after a moment, not looking at Meredith now.
"How often? How long do you think you're awake when this happens?"
"Recently? Most nights-" He swallowed. "Sometimes multiple hours."
"Derek-" Meredith sighed as she squeezed his hand.
He noted that Derek's eyes fled away, and decided to continue on with his mental list, "How about other activities? Do you struggle with looking after yourself and your body because of the severity of the pain? How about excerise? Even just something basic for a few minutes a week?"
He shook his head slowly with a defeated look.
"How about...things like cleaning the house, doing the laundry?" He asked, hoping for some optimism.
"I really, really hate mess. But...I'm always so tired, and lots of easy house tasks aren't really that easy for me." He sighed. "My pain trumps my desire for a clean house- both for my own satisfaction and because I literally, physically need a lot of space."
"I try my best to-"
"-but it's not her job, and she has her own career to focus on right now." Derek interrupted. He had gotten a little less stubborn about his pain, but he still didn't like that she was there, caring for him. It made him feel so horrendously guilty.
He nodded. Some tension there. "Okay. And what about relationships? Does your pain impact your ability to see and talk to your friends and family?"
"Pain...makes me angry. And stubborn. And sad." He paused for a long time. "People...people don't like people who are those things, and I don't have the energy to pretend I'm someone I'm not right now either."
He made another note on the chart. "And...personal care? Showering? Eating? Keeping hydrated? Are you managing those kinds of things okay?"
He looked to Meredith at that.
"He needs help. Reminders, and actual help. I can't cook for the life of me so I just bring him snacks, but I'm not overly convinced he'd eat anything if I didn't bring him food. And I've uh-" She swallowed. "I've helped with other things recently too. Things in the bathroom. Things...I didn't do before the pain got this bad."
He nodded. "So, if you didn't have Meredith-"
"I...I wouldn't- I...don't think I'd-"
"No to all of it?" He asked, sympathetic of his hesitation.
"Derek's therapist re-dignosed him with MDD last week." Meredith said when Derek didn't speak nor move. "He's battling mentally and physically and it's too much for one person to cope with. He's trying really hard and he's doing really well, but we can't keep going like this."
"Would you agree with Meredith?"
He didn't reply. Not even with a small nod or shake.
"Can we have a minute alone?" Meredith blurted after a second, looking to the doctor. She knew Derek wasn't going to reply. Ever.
He smiled sympathetically for a moment as he stood, "Of course."
Neither spoke until the door shut, and the man was gone.
She pushed against one side of him so he was facing her a little better, stood, and held him.
She nuzzled against him as she hugged and hugged and hugged him, dropping the occasional kiss, as he shook with sobs in her arms.
"I love you, and you are amazing. Okay? You. Are. Amazing. You hear me?" She asked as she pulled away, kneeling in front of him.
He blinked, and tears sparkled in his eyes. He shook his head.
"I know, Derek. I know you're not coping. I know life is not okay right now." She swallowed. "But if Dr Twines can't help, I will find you a different surgeon. And if they can't help, then I will find someone else. I will keep on going forever and if I can't ever find someone I will...become a neurosurgeon, just to help you. I will become a drug-marker for nerve pain- I will do anything. You know that. Because I love you. So freaking much, okay?"
He smiled, just a little and quietly muttered, "Hug again?"
She beamed. "Definitely."
"Hi there."
She stretched out a little with a groan. "Mmm. What ya doing?"
"I think the better question is what are you doing?"
She stared at him, lost. "What am I doing?"
"You're sleeping in until ten thirty."
She sat up instantly, and grabbed the clock beside her. Ten thirty? How the hell was it ten thirty? "Jesus Christ."
He smiled. "It's okay, I don't mind. I just thought it was a little odd for you, that's all."
"Crap. What about-"
"No work. Day off." He reminded her. "Today is Tuesday."
She finally breathed. "Okay. Okay...um- it's okay I slept in?"
"Of course. I did want to wake you up, you know, because I thought you'd probably want to be up, revising, but I..." He smiled. "I just couldn't disturb you. You looked so peaceful and happy."
She smiled back a little, mostly because of how contagious his was. "But...what about the house? I had to make a tight schedule to actually get anything done, and that's definitely out of the window now. Oh- god, and we've got extra washing from the wedding."
"I did the washing. And hung it out. And did the dishes. And even cleaned the shower. And fed and let out Lucky. Oh- and mixed pancake batter for you too."
She grinned. "Really?"
"Of course."
"Did you shower too? Eat? Drink? Exercise?"
"Um-" His brow creased. "Odd questions. But...yes to all except exercise."
"It's fine. We did that yesterday I suppose."
"I agree-" He replied slowly. She was most definitely right, but he didn't understand what she was talking about. "But, uh...why do you want to know about my showering, eating, drinking and exercising?"
"Remember when we went to see Dr Twines and you said no to all of his questions? That you couldn't do any housework, maintain any relationships, or look after yourself because the pain was too bad-"
He nodded.
"You're better now, Derek. All those things you said no to- you can do them now."
He smiled. "I know. I'm very, very aware and...I don't think you quite comprehend how happy I am about that right now."
"You think I don't comprehend that?" She hugged him with a squeeze that was so hard that he swore he felt his ribs bend under her force. "Derek!"
"What?" He asked, genuinely confused.
"I'm stressed as hell. I'm so stressed that I'd be crying right now. But I'm not. I'm not because-" She smiled. "Because you're okay. You're not even okay, you're...you're doing freaking amazingly. Don't tell me I don't comprehend how happy you are. You don't comprehend how happy I am!"
"Oh." He breathed.
"Sometimes, I'm convinced your accident affected your memory too, you know that? When we broke up, I gave you a lot of speeches. You never listed to any of them - except the last one, after the ferryboat accident - but what I would always say to you is that...you always felt like you were burdening me because you thought one element of our relationship was one-sided. The bit...where couples really rely on each other (perhaps to an unhealthy degree) for happiness. Like...if you weren't with that person, you'd literally have a piece of you missing. And I know you feel like that, like I'm your missing piece, and that you feel...guilty, I guess, because you've always assumed that it was just you that felt that way. But it's not. I feel that way too. And that means...when I'm happy, you're happy, and when you're sad, I'm sad. So right now-"
"Your brain is also exploding with endorphins-"
"Just like your brain has some worries creeping in about my test, I'm sure."
He smiled. "I feel like I'm the one taking the test sometimes. I get so nervous."
She giggled. "That's kind of adorable."
"I know how upset you'll be if it doesn't go well, and I don't want that for you."
Her head tilted. "And?" She pressed.
"I don't think is any 'and'. That's it."
"Your only thought when it comes to this test is my wellbeing?" She asked with a raised brow. There was no way that that was his only concern.
"Well what else would it be?" He asked. "Well, maybe-"
"Yeah?"
"Selfishly-"
"Selfishly?" She repeated. She knew it. He had to have some thoughts other than about her feelings.
"I'd be concerned for my bank account. Because I'm gonna have to buy you lots of chocolate and ice-cream to eat out of stress."
"But that's it?"
He stared at her for a long minute before sighing. "What is this actually about, Mer?"
"Can we...talk?"
He looked up from his desk, surprised by the voice. Last time he talked to Meredith privately, she'd been the one to walk out on him, insisting that she wanted to be left alone. "Of course."
She swallowed as she put her paper on the desk. "I need to...um- I need to have not failed."
"I think all students would like that." Dr Holton returned with a small smile.
"It's different. It's not...I'm not asking for the same reason."
"And what reason is that?"
She didn't reply to that.
"Would you like some tutoring?" He asked when she didn't answer. He knew he was being too hopeful, so he wasn't surprised.
"No- yes, I don't know- maybe? I just...I'll take the test again, I'll do whatever I need to but just...right now, I need to have a piece of paper that says I did okay."
"What for?" He pushed again. His voice was soft, and so was his demeanor, but he was desperate for Meredith to talk to him.
"Please." She begged. "Please don't ask."
"Meredith-"
"I need you to let me pass. Just...on a piece of paper. A, B, C- I don't care. It just can't be a fail."
"And if I do this for you, how is that fair on the other students?"
She swallowed. "I need this."
"I understand but-" He paused abruptly when she moved. H e couldn't help but feel his heart drop as she watched her. "Oh, Meredith-" He sighed.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"I can help. There are protocols put in place and staff members dedicated to-"
"I know you want to help." She interrupted. "But I promise, you can't. But what you can do...is you can make me pass this test."
He sighed. "I'll give you a blank test and the answer sheet. Do it realistically, I'll mark it, and you can take it on with you. Does that sound good?"
"You don't know how much this means to me." She said with a small sniffle.
"But I do. Now, I do know. If there's anything I can do, please, never hesitate to ask. Seriously Meredith."
She smiled, just a little. "Thank you sir."
"Mer?" Derek pushed when she didn't reply.
"What? Sorry- worlds away."
He sighed. "Why do you find it so unbelievable that I don't care if you pass or fail?"
"It's complicated." She swallowed, before her expression shifted. God. Why did she hesitate when she had a such a perfect answer? "Well...it's just, my mom put on a lot of pressure, you know? I'm sure you're not surprised to hear she had high standards. So...to not have those is just...crazy to me. In a good way, but in a shocking way too."
"Right." He agreed slowly.
"Yeah. So...that's why."
"Okay." He agreed. "That's why."
"I suppose I better start revising now?"
He nodded. "Yes. Good idea."
"Shakey leg syndrome is your mechanism then?"
She looked up from her textbook, and wasn't surprised by who she found. "What?"
His hand settled on the knee of her shaking leg, and it went still. "Everyone does something when they're stressed. You have shakey leg syndrome- that's what you do."
She nodded. "And...eat my fingernails. Which is a terrible thing to do. But I only do it once or twice a year when this kind of thing comes around."
"I used to do the same as you."
"Used to?" She repeated with a creased brow.
"Shakey leg syndrome doesn't work after you rip your spine in half."
"Oh. Right." She sighed. "Sorry. I'm just- I'm really not- I'm not really with it right now. Desperately hoping that will go away by the time I get in there."
"It's okay. Should I go away?"
She shook her head.
"Do you want me to test you?" He offered.
"No. Just..." She smiled a little, and tapped the bed beside her. "Just like...hold me while I read. It stops me from shaking quite so much."
He smiled. "Of course."
"Meredith-"
"No." She murmured, looking to him with wild eyes. He'd been quiet for so long, so she knew what him speaking meant. "No, no, no."
"I know. I'm sorry. You're going to want to go to the toilet before the exam starts, so we've got to stop now."
"I haven't finished the chapter."
"You've read the chapter ten times. I've quizzed you on the chapter twenty times. You've got this, okay?"
She sighed. "Okay. That just means...test time."