The Art of Falling in Love
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Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry rode slowly across the dry and rocky terrain of southern Utah. After three days in a saddle and three nights on the hard ground, they were growing a bit tired of the climate, the scenery, the lack of basic comforts, and hearing only their own voices.
"Kid, there's something I've been meaning to ask you."
Kid lifted his hat and wiped the sweat from his brow. "Three dollars and seventeen cents," Kid replied.
"Well that's good to know but it's not what I've been wondering about. My question has more of a philosophical theme."
"You wanna talk philosophy?" Kid groaned.
"On a subject I think you're well acquainted with."
"Which is?" Kid asked through a long yawn.
"The art of falling in love."
Kid closed his mouth and looked at his partner curiously. "You think I'm familiar with that?" he asked.
"You do seem to have a penchant for it."
"A pen..." Kid stopped and rolled his eyes, certain his partner was baiting his hook on the subject of romance with a plan to reel him into some grand debate.
"Penchant. It means..."
"I know what it means, Heyes. What I don't know is why you seem to think I have some grand and philosophical knowledge on the subject of love."
"Well, you do seem to fall in love more than the average man."
"And by average, I assume you are referring to yourself?" Kid replied, quite proud of his quick retort.
Heyes let the remark slide. "You have to admit that you fall in love almost as easily as you fall asleep."
"Just who are you suggesting I have fallen in love with?" Kid asked.
Heyes fought a grin, knowing the line had been successfully cast. "Are you saying you want me to give you a list?"
"Don't mean to put you to no trouble Heyes, but you are the one that started this conversation," Kid snarled.
"Alright," Heyes said, keeping his voice calm and low key. "The first woman that comes to mind is that Annabelle gal from Kingsburg."
"Annebelle? First of all, she wasn't from Kingsburg. She was traveling to Kingsburg, and secondly, we weren't in love!"
"Sure looked like love when you was kissing her goodbye."
"That was the first and only kiss!"
"A first kiss don't usually involve anything more than the lips and, as I recall, there were at least two kisses."
"I'm telling you that was not love," Kid growled. "That was... that was a consoling kiss."
"Well, maybe not consoling exactly. More like a taste of that authentic experience she was always talking about."
"I'd say that kiss was pretty authentic, but I suppose I can concede that one, so let's move on to woman number two."
"Just how many women you got on that list?" Kid asked.
"Well, I conceded the first one, so obviously the numbers might change bit. I'll have an exact number for you when we're done."
Kid uttered an exasperated sigh and rolled his eyes. "Go on."
"Grace Turner," Heyes replied.
"Wait just a minute. You was in love with Grace Turner before I was, so that cancels her out."
"I'm not sure I follow your logic but alright, I'll concede that one too. How about Betsy Jamison?"
"Betsy? I wasn't in love with Betsy. I barely tolerated her," Kid said defensively.
"You were attracted to her," Heyes countered.
"And so were you, so she don't count neither. You're striking out here, Heyes."
"Helen... whatever her last name was. You told me you slept with her," Heyes exclaimed, certain he had finally hit a home run.
"A saloon girl, who I paid for information about who had tried to kill you. Sleeping with her was just an added perk... although I did find her attractive," Kid admitted.
"Michelle Monet," Heyes continued without missing a beat.
Kid had to concede this one. "Alright, I did fall in love with Michelle, so the score is now one," Kid replied.
"Which brings us to Alice Banion."
Kid gave Alice some thought. "I'll admit, under the right circumstances I might have fallen in love with Alice, but the same could be said for you, so she's canceled out too."
"Alice was an interesting woman," Heyes said, letting himself reflect on that memory for a moment, but managed to catch himself before Kid realized what he was doing.
"What about Janet Judson's friend, Lorraine?"
"You mean the woman who held me tied up and at gunpoint while you was off blowing up a safe? That Lorraine?"
Heyes nodded.
"Heyes, I like my women to show a little spunk, but pointing a rifle in my face and threatening to shoot me dead ain't just a little spunk. You're still just at one."
"How about Sister Grace?"
"The name says it all, Heyes. Sister?"
"But she was in love with you."
Kid shrugged."They all are, Heyes."
"Clementine," Heyes said, though he knew this was highly doubtful.
"Now that idea crosses a line and you know it!"
"You pretended to be married to her," Heyes said, knowing the argument was weak at best.
"And if I'd won that game of showdown, you'd have been the one pretending to be married to her."
"Still..."
"Still what?"
"I kind of hate taking Clem off the list. I mean granted, you've never been in love with her, and neither have I," he said emphatically. "But, don't you think that maybe, under the right circumstances...?"
"No!"
"But I've seen you plant some pretty hefty kisses on her."
"As have you. Now I'll admit that Clem is very skilled at kissing and... a few other things too, but no... The answer is no."
"Georgette?"
"Heyes, Georgette belongs in the peck on the cheek only class. I admit she sings well but, well she falls into the needy folks category, if you know what I mean."
"Needy folks category?"
"It always feels more like just... doing my civic duty than any sort of romance."
Heyes laughed. "So that's why you're always so nice to the needy folks. You just do it for a little sugar!"
"Some times a little sugar can go a long way as far a tiding a man over till the candy store opens."
"Charlotte Austin?"
"You mean the woman that blackmailed us? No thanks."
"Amy Martin?"
"Your gal, Heyes. Not mine. She might have pulled me outta the frying pan but she tossed me right into the skillet."
"BeeGee?"
"She came after me to get back at you. Can I help it if I don't mind being used by a pretty woman?"
"You showed her how it was supposed to be!"
Kid grinned. "And that's still stuck in your crow? I guess BeeGee and me both scored with that little encounter cuz she taught me a trick or two as well."
"She was quite the little tantalizing tease."
"Well, I agree with tantalizing, but she wasn't just a tease. Of course, there wasn't no love involved on either side."
"You talking about front or back?" Heyes asked.
"Not funny," Kid replied.
"Then what about Emma Sterling?"
"As much as I hate to say this, because I think if she had been a bit older and out from under her brother's influence, I could have fallen in love with her... But the truth is..."
"Another needy folks, sympathy kiss?" Heyes asked.
"More of a... what might have been kind of kiss. Those are the ones I like to call an 'if only,' kiss. They're the kind that let a woman know... well, that life is all about something special, and she'll find that out one day."
"Damn, you are a romantic, Kid."
"No Heyes, just somewhere along the line I found out what life is all about, and there's a lot of different angles to it."
"I'm sorry, Kid. My intention with this conversation was to get you all riled up just to break the monotony. But I discovered something about you."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"You really are a people's philosopher."