This episode was brought to you by DeadWheat . A Pokémon fan, and up and coming My Little Pony and Pokémon crossover fanfiction writer.
BOOOOOM!
There was a huge explosion caused by a Focus Blast from Keldeo.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Keldeo activated his Secret Sword and swung it, causing a flash of light.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Kyurem the Critic gave a genuine smile as he watched a slideshow of highlights from his reviews.
Spike the Snob tipped his black top hat.
I'LL FACE IT WITH A GRIN!
"NO SHIP, SHERLOCK!" Intoxiquer the Crobat shouted in Genesect's face.
I'M NEVER GIVING IN!
ON WITH THE SHOW!
Meloetta sat down with Madoka the Fennekin and Damian the Meloetta on either side of her.
Imperator Justinian shook Keldeo's forehoof.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Arceus the Critic glared at Mew as she floated near a stone replica of him.
"SHUT UP!" shouted Anthony the Zoroark and Ian the Lucario.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Ryu Taylor the ferret and bent water into a small stream and spun it around to slap each of the Mane Six in the face.
I'LL TOP THE BILL, I'LL OVERKILL!
Jack Storm sprung awake and jumped onto his feet, wearing his robes and ready for battle.
Matthais Unidostres and BrickBrony1894 bro-hoofed.
I HAVE TO FIND THE WILL TO CARRY ON!
On. . . with the show. . .
On. . . with the show. . .
"FORESHADOWING!" Munna exclaimed.
"V-WHEEEEEEEL!" Victini exclaimed.
"MUSIC!" Floyd the Pichu shouted while holding his guitar high.
"RAAAAR!" Zoroark roared comically as he held his arms up and shook them.
SHOW!
Keldeo stood up on his hindlegs in his Resolute Form, his Secret Sword shining brightly.
The show must go on!
Go on. . . go on. . . go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .go on. . .
Keldeo the Critic- Season Seven
Episode 2: Steamed Hays by Bandicoot Sauce
"It's me! Keldeo the Critic! I review it so you don't have to!" Keldeo said with a smile, "Well, I'm just gonna say it and not even make a lame 'off-screen mob boos or shoots at me' joke about it. I don't like The Simpsons. I really don't. I never did and never well. Obviously it's popular, millions of people love it, it has a whole land in both Universal Studios Orlando and Hollywood, it's been going on and on for decades and seasons. I'm not gonna say that you're wrong for liking it, but I just don't like it. And it's not like I don't get it, because I do. It's social satire and stuff, and in that way it's clever."
Keldeo frowned, "But that's just it. I don't like watching a show that shows everything wrong with humanity, no matter how clever the satire is. I don't find that funny. And yeah, I know the show does have some heartwarming moments and well developed characters, but it's mostly just mean, dysfunctional stuff. Yeah, let's take this nice, hardworking guy and kill him for the crime of not liking Homer (1). Even worse is that this show has become the standard for every single adult cartoon in the world. Every adult show uses it as a foundation. They may not copy it exactly, but you can see hints of The Simpson in every adult cartoon. Futurama, American Dad, Family Guy, Rick and Morty, even the one with the talking dogs called Housebroken. There's an episode of South Park literally called Simpsons Did It that admits this fact, showing how much influence this show has, and it annoys the biscuits out of me. Even worse is that these shows often try to outdo The Simpsons by making it even more raunchy and nihilistic."
Keldeo sighed and said, "So, what happens when you take a Simpsons meme and make a My Little Pony fanfic out of it?"
Steamed Hays
By: Bandicoot Sauce
...But it's a My Little Pony fanfic, and it's obviously grilled. Starlight Glimmer has her hooves full trying to prepare lunch for Twilight Sparkle, and as usual, everything goes to Tartarus (not literally). Friendship Is Magic universe. Inspired by the now infamous Simpsons meme.
Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Parody/Friendship - Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Starlight Glimmer - Words: 3,170 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 2 - Published: Nov 8, 2019 - Status: Complete - id: 13428121
"Again, I don't like The Simpsons. I've heard this meme referenced, but I don't know the entire context of the scene the meme comes from, because I don't like The Simpsons. So basically, this story depends on how humorous this Simpsons scene can be in a My Little Pony setting. Did I mention that I don't like The Simpsons?"
Keldeo took a deep breath, smiled and said, "You know what? I'm not being fair. The Simpsons does have funny scenes and jokes. Like Bart's prank calls. Maybe this is one of them? Maybe doing it with ponies can be funnier? That Dora the Explorer story I reviewed last time nearly caused me to die laughing, so who knows?"
Keldeo shrugged and said, "Well, let's not waste any more time. Let's review Steamed Hays."
"So the story begins with Spike and Starlight Glimmer cooking a meal for Princess Twilight's homecoming."
A knock at the Castle of Friendship's front door made Starlight's head jerk up, the lavender mare having been engrossed in the preparation of the salad she intended to serve alongside the tofu roast that Spike was in charge of preparing. Starlight glanced over at the little dragon, who gave her a thumbs up before inhaling deeply, turning to face the roast that stood on the kitchen bench in a metal tray, well basted and seasoned. Realising what he was about to do, Starlight quickly lit up her unicorn horn with magic, hastily levitating the purple dragon away from the main course.
"No, no, no, spike! Just put it in the oven! You don't need to roast it with your dragon breath!" she told him.
"Aw, but it's more satisfying for a dragon like me to cook it with my own fire!" Spike insisted.
" No dragon fire," Starlight told him firmly as another knock sounded in the distance. "Twilight just got back from Canterlot and I want everything to be perfect in order to welcome her home. I don't want her coming home to another disaster,"
"Basically, she's trying to redeem herself from what happened in episode 21 of season 6, Every Little Thing She Does. They even reference the episode several times."
"Welcome home, Twilight," Starlight greeted warmly. "I hope you're hungry, because Spike and I are cooking up a real surprise."
"A pleasant surprise, I would hope," Twilight said half-seriously, returning Starlight's smile as she stepped inside, levitating her saddle bag onto a nearby coat hook. "Preferably one that doesn't involve the Fiducia Compelus spell… or more to the point, a spider infestation mixed with rogue rain clouds."
Starlight blushed, knowing that Twilight was joking (sort of), but was still embarrassed about the previous incident all the same. "Once again, I'm really sorry about that," she assured her mentor as the two mares trotted through the castle's corridors in stride with one another. "I hope that today's lunch will go at least some way towards putting that little… fiasco behind us."
Keldeo smiled and nodded, "Okay, I'm digging this. I like the character interactions. Everyone is in character. I can't wait until the funny part starts!"
Spike was frantically running around, trying to fan the smoke away with a tea towel. It was then that Starlight saw the roast. It was still on the bench in the tray, but it was now on fire.
Green fire.
"Spike, I told you not to - cough - cook it with your - cough - dragon breath!" Starlight cried over the sound of the smoke alarm - a crystalline device that had been gifted to Twilight by her relatives over in the Crystal Empire - beeping incessantly.
"I didn't! I sneezed right when I was about to move it into the oven!" Spike replied, still flailing the tea towel about rather uselessly.
Keldeo shrugged, "Okay, so here we have the conflict of the story. But didn't we already do the 'Spike sneezes and ruins something plot' twice in the actual show? First in Owls Well the Ends Well and again in Princess Spike. But whatever."
"Oh, sweet Celestia, look at it! Our roast is ruined! " she moaned sadly, "And Twilight's sitting upstairs waiting for a lunch fit for a princess' homecoming!"
"Well, we… We still have the salad," Spike offered helpfully, gesturing to the bowl of tomato slices and lettuce leaves that rested on the far end of the bench. "Maybe we could just serve that with some Apple Family cider or something…"
But Starlight was hardly listening to Spike. She was staring out the open window, seeing Sugarcube Corner, the bakery where Pinkie Pie, a mutual friend of Twilight and Starlight, worked. "Or maybe we could purchase some baked goods and disguise them as our own cooking," she mused aloud, turning back to Spike with a sly grin on her face, a sly grin that made the little dragon visibly nervous.
"I dunno. Isn't that kind of… y'know… dishonest?" Spike asked warily. "I can just imagine what Applejack would say…"
"Applejack's not here," Starlight pointed out.
Spike groaned apprehensively. "Okay, okay. Just hurry back. If Twilight comes to investigate, I won't know what to tell her. You know how hard it is for me to lie to her of all ponies."
Keldeo grinned and nodded, "Alright, I see where this is going. This is improv! The 'yes and' theater trope that creates more and more chaos and comedy. No matter what crazy lie comes up, they don't reject and instead build off of it. Spike is gonna have to come up with crazier and crazier excuses and it'll grow and grow like a chain reaction. That's what happens when characters keep saying yes in a scene and running with whatever happens!"
Sam: "Giant. . . Purple. . . Elephant."
MatPat: "Oh no! A giant purple elephant is outside and it's coming to eat our nuts! It's escaped the circus!"
Sam: "It's what?!"
Keldeo sighed and said, "You will be missed, MatPat (2). But you were smart to focus more on your wife and son."
"Ah!" he cried, hastily throwing the tea towel over the ruined roast to conceal it. "I mean, oh! " he quickly corrected himself. "H-Hi, Twilight! Is something wrong?" he asked, desperately trying to play innocent… and not entirely succeeding.
"I just came to see what was taking so… long," Twilight said, sniffing the air as she stepped forward. "Spike, why do I smell smoke?" she asked warily.
"Smoke? Th-That's not smoke!" Spike stammered. "That's, um… steam! Steam from the… steamed wheys we're having for lunch! Y-Yeah! Steamed wheys!"
Keldeo's expression was sour, "Did you seriously get the title wrong, Bandicoot Sauce? I mean, come on! That's just lazy. It doesn't even make any sense. Did you just mash words together? Is that the joke?"
"V-Very nutritious, steamed wheys are! They, uh, put scales on your chest!"
Keldeo shrugged, "I mean, I guess it's in character for Spike to say random nonsense when trying to lie to Twilight. Well, anyway, Starlight teleports back from the Hayburger restaurant from the episode Twilight Time, and I'm just frustrated as to why they don't just-."
Genie: "Tell her. . . THE TRUTH!" (3)
"Twilight, I hope you're hungry for some mouthwatering hayburgers!" Starlight practially sang merrily as she levitated the platter onto the ornate table on which the Cutie Map was regularly displayed.
"I thought we were having steamed wheys," Twilight said, eyeing the platter with a mixture of skepticism and undeniable hunger.
"Steamed wheys…?" Starlight very suddenly burst out laughing. "Is that what Spike told you? Oh, he's got it all mixed up! It's steamed hays! That's what I call hayburgers!"
Twilight blinked. "Steamed… hays?" She repeated slowly, giving Starlight a strange look.
"Ohhhhh, so now the title works! I am so sorry, Bandicoot sauce," Keldeo said in understanding. Then he smiled and said, "I just have one small question."
Keldeo stomped his hoof and shouted, "Where's the joke?! I don't get it! It's not even a pun, it's just a weird thing she said. How is that funny? You can't just say a weird phrase and call it comedy."
"Yep. Can't beat a good steamed hay!" Starlight said brightly as she took a seat opposite Twilight, levitating one of the burgers towards her without hesitation, taking a bite out of it and savouring the taste, burger sauce smearing on her muzzle.
"You call hayburgers 'steamed hays'?" Twilight repeated, raising an eyebrow at her fellow mare.
"Yep. It's a slang term I picked up when I was a filly," Starlight elaborated, licking some of the sauce from around her mouth. "Mmm. That's a good sauce. I'll have to ask the restaura- I mean, Spike for the recipe later," she corrected herself.
Keldeo looked bored as he asked, "How is this funny?"
"I've never heard anypony use the expression 'steamed hay'." Twilight admitted. "Where's it from?"
Starlight froze, her burger halfway to her mouth. "Pardon?"
"The expression. Where'd it originate from?"
"Um… Fillydelphia?"
"No, stop, that wasn't a rhetorical question!" Keldeo insisted, "How is this funny? It's just a lame conversation that isn't engaging at all. All I'm seeing here is Starlight . . . making pointless stuff up?"
Keldeo went back to looking bored, "This might be the most pointless lying I've ever seen," Keldeo said flatly, "This isn't funny. This is just sad. I mean, maybe if there was a ticking clock or some kind of mounting stakes to this. . .Like what if the kitchen was on fire and Starlight was trying to keep Twilight busy, and we keep cutting back to Spike trying to fix things as the kitchen gets more and more destroyed. It would be more interesting than whatever this is."
"Hmm. If I may say so, Starlight, these hayburgers you made seem quite similar to the ones they sell locally."
Starlight, who had just taken a big bite out of her own burger, nearly choked on it. She forced the food down her throat so she could speak once more. "No, no, goodness, no! Patented Glimmer burgers, these! Old family recipe! M-Minus the sauce, that is. That was Spike's handiwork," she said, her nerves starting to betray her through her voice.
"For steamed hays?" Twilight repeated. "The 'family recipe', I mean."
"Yes," Starlight said with that same forced brightness she had used earlier, an utterly terrified smile on her sauce-covered visage.
"Is this what Simpsons fans consider humor? Characters spouting nonsense?" Keldeo said, his brow furrowed in irritation, "Again, this would be more bearable if we had something crazy to cut back too. Have Spike try to cook dessert and fail spectacularly, like Starlight gives him the wrong recipe or a weird ingredient, and now he's fighting a blob monster made of pudding. Then the absurdity would contrast with the blandness of the conversation. And why are we even doing this? Why couldn't Starlight just say that the dinner got burned and they need to order take out? I know the author needed to adapt the meme, but why not give a reason as to why they need to lie? Like, have it be Prince Blueblood or Fancy Pants. Not only would it make more sense for her to lie to them because shes not their friend, but it would be funny because she'd be serving these important nobles fast food garbage, which would add to comedic tension."
"So, anyway, Starlight finally confesses to her pointless lie."
"Oh, alright, I admit it!" she exclaimed. "Spike and I accidentally burned the tofu roast we were preparing, and I tried to cover it up by sneaking out to buy fast food and claiming it was my own cooking! I'm sorry!" With that, the unicorn hung her head in shame. A sad sniff escaped her. "I guess I really can't do anything right without you watching over me," she mumbled, sounding like she was on the verge of tears.
Twilight smiled sympathetically, her horn glowing with magic as she levitated Starlight up and over the table, much to the unicorn's surprise. Twilight brought Starlight within reach of herself and pulled her into a hug.
"Nonsense," the Alicorn princess told her housemate and friend reassuringly. "You just needed to be honest with me, that's all. We all need a little help sometimes, Starlight. Don't ever be afraid to ask for it."
Starlight sniffed again, meeting Twilight's eyes with her own misty ones. "I guess I didn't want you to think I was… incapable, especially after last time."
"Last time is in the past. I want to help you here in the present, Starlight, so you can have a better future," Twilight told her friend softly as she broke off the hug. "We're in this together, Starlight. You and me and…"
Twilight sniffed the air. There it was again - the smell of smoke, only now it was much stronger than before. Starlight's eyes widened; she could smell it, too.
"SPIKE!" They both shouted before leaping up and racing to the kitchen. When they entered, Twilight's face was aghast at the sight of the curtains that billowed in front of the kitchen window, said curtains ablaze with green fire. Spike, on his part, was trying to get the situation under control with a fire extinguisher he had found, but he was having trouble getting the nozzle's safety clip to release.
"Just what is going on around here today?!" Twilight exclaimed as she wrenched the fire extinguisher from Spike's grasp with her magic, casting the safety clip aside easily and coating the curtains in a steady stream of flame-suppressing foam, quickly putting the blaze out.
"Alright, Spike. It's up to you," Keldeo said with eyes wide with desperation, "Please, end this with a good joke. Because I am sick of awkwardness being treated like comedy. I'm sick of laziness being counted as clever. I want something to make sense."
"Uh… Would you believe… aurora borealis?" Spike asked sheepishly, a meek smile on his face.
Keldeo turned and jumped off of the rock he was standing on. Keldeo's hooves splashed gently as he traversed the shallow waters of the Moor of Icirrus, the serene atmosphere of the marshland enveloping him. With each step, he felt the coolness of the water against his elegant legs, his fur rustling softly with the movement. The distant calls of various Pokémon echoed in the air, adding a tranquil melody to his journey.
As he emerged from the Moor, the bustling streets of Icirrus City welcomed him with open arms. The vibrant colors of the buildings contrasted beautifully with the natural scenery he had just left behind. People and Pokémon alike went about their daily routines, creating a lively atmosphere that filled Keldeo with a sense of excitement.
Entering the Pokemart, Keldeo's eyes scanned the shelves until they settled on his target: a shiny DVD case containing Season 7 of The Simpsons (4). With a determined nod, he approached the counter, his hooves tapping lightly against the tiled floor.
"Hello there! How can I help you today?" the cheerful shopkeeper greeted him, a warm smile gracing their face.
"I'd like to purchase this DVD, please," Keldeo replied politely, his voice clear and determined.
"Certainly! That'll be 500 Pokédollars, please," the shopkeeper said, ringing up the purchase with practiced ease.
After completing the transaction, Keldeo stepped back out into the sunlight, the DVD safely tucked under his hoof. With a sense of purpose, he made his way back to the Moor of Icirrus.
Upon reaching the familiar rock platform, Keldeo took a moment to savor the tranquility of his surroundings. The gentle breeze ruffled his fur as he prepared to unleash his power. With a flash he transformed into his Resolute Form, his aura pulsating with energy.
With a swift flick of his horn, Keldeo flung the DVD into the air, its reflective surface catching the sunlight as it soared higher and higher. As it reached its apex, Keldeo unleashed a powerful Focus Blast, the concentrated energy streaking towards its target with unerring accuracy. The DVD exploded into a shower of fragments, the pieces scattering across the sky like fireworks.
"Memes from The Simpsons aren't funny. My Little Pony parodies of memes from The Simpsons aren't funny. The Simpsons are not funny!" Keldeo shouted angrily.
"I can't believe I wasted my time with this literal nothing-burger of a fanfic. I didn't laugh once during this story. Not once! This story is nothing but awkward line after awkward line with nothing at stake. At all. Maybe if there was more going on, like more chaos in the kitchen, or if Spike was actually doing things behind the scenes, like running around getting more food or hiding something. Like, what if the tofu roast came to life by magic and he had to stop it while Starlight did her lying. That would be funny. In fact, there is an episode of Friendship is Magic that does the out of control lie story better. Season 6 Episode 23: Where the Apple Lies. Things get crazier and more serious with every lie told, with actual consequences! But do we get that in this fanfic? Do we get any humor at all? NO! All we got was a pathological liar spouting complete, pointless nonsense for no reason at all."
Keldeo turned back into his normal form and sighed, "Look, if you want a good My Little Pony fanfic that parodies another cartoon, go read Idiot Box the MLP Version by Rated Ponystar on FiMFctionNet. But really, Steamed Hays isn't exactly bad or offensive. Everyone is in character and it has a sweet ending."
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, Starlight learned that she needn't be afraid to ask for help from others when she needs it.
Spike learned that the kitchen is NOT a good place for a dragon to be sneezing in… and that fire extinguishers take a certain degree of skill to wield effectively. Rest assured, he'll be well-versed in future.
As for me, I learned that while Starlight Glimmer can be an… odd mare at times, I cannot deny that she steams a good hay.
Sincerely, Twilight Sparkle.
"But. . . biscuits! It is just. So. Really. BORING!"
Glimmer and her crazy explanations,
Twilight Sparkle's gonna need her medication!
When she hears Starlight's great exaggerations,
There'll be trouble in Ponyville tonight!
"STARLIGHT!"
"NO!" Keldeo shouted, and he scowled and said, "Taking whatever silly song outro thing from the Simpsons episode and changing the words doesn't magically make it funny. If anything it makes this story look even more desperate than it already is. If you aren't going to use the magical fantasy setting to improve this joke, then don't even bother. That single purple elephant joke MatPat told was funnier than this entire story, and that's just pathetic and sad."
"This is a story about nothing. Yes, Starlight didn't want to look like an incapable failure. Okay, but that's not interesting. Sure the plot works, but theres nothing here to make it interesting. It's a plain burger with no cheese, no pickles, no lettuce, no tomato, no ketchup, and no mustard.
Angry Wendy's Man: "There's not even bacon this, there's not onion this, there's not anything that I asked for! This is such incompetence, I cannot believe it!" (5)
Keldeo turned to leave and said as he walked away, "I'm Keldeo the Critic, and I'm gonna go buy some shorts so I can tell this fanfic to eat them!"
The End
Credits
(1)"Homer's Enemy" - The Simpsons: Season 8, Episode 23
(2)Game Theory: I'm Uncomfortable... and I LOVE It
(3)Disney's Aladdin (1992)
(4) "22 Short Films About Springfield" - The Simpsons: Season 7, Episode 21
(5)Angry man goes nuts at Wendy's drive thru
Special Thanks
Idiot Box The MLP Version by Rated PonyStar
Steamed Hays by Bandicoot Sauce