BOOOOOM!
There was a huge explosion caused by a Focus Blast from Keldeo.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Keldeo activated his Secret Sword and swung it, causing a flash of light.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Kyurem the Critic gave a genuine smile as he watched a slideshow of highlights from his reviews.
Spike the Snob tipped his black top hat.
I'LL FACE IT WITH A GRIN!
"NO SHIP, SHERLOCK!" Intoxiquer the Crobat shouted in Genesect's face.
I'M NEVER GIVING IN!
ON WITH THE SHOW!
Meloetta sat down with Madoka the Fennekin and Damian the Meloetta on either side of her.
Imperator Justinian shook Keldeo's forehoof.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Arceus the Critic glared at Mew as she floated near a stone replica of him.
"SHUT UP!" shouted Anthony the Zoroark and Ian the Lucario.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!
Go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .
Ryu Taylor the ferret and bent water into a small stream and spun it around to slap each of the Mane Six in the face.
I'LL TOP THE BILL, I'LL OVERKILL!
Jack Storm sprung awake and jumped onto his feet, wearing his robes and ready for battle.
Matthais Unidostres and Jordan Lego Comix greeted each other
I HAVE TO FIND THE WILL TO CARRY ON!
On. . . with the show. . .
On. . . with the show. . .
"FORESHADOWING!" Munna exclaimed.
"V-WHEEEEEEEL!" Victini exclaimed.
"MUSIC!" Floyd the Pichu shouted while holding his guitar high.
"RAAAAR!" Zoroark roared comically as he held his arms up and shook them.
SHOW!
Keldeo stood up on his hindlegs in his Resolute Form, his Secret Sword shining brightly.
The show must go on!
Go on. . . go on. . . go on. . . go on. . .go on. . .go on. . .
Keldeo the Critic - Season 7
Episode Three: Baby Shark's Big Movie (2023)
"It's me, Keldeo the Critic. I review it so you don't have to," Keldeo said happily. Then he frowned and said, "I'm sure we all know by now that Disney's Wish was awful. The animation was bad, the villain was lousy, the songs were bad, the goat was annoying, the side characters were pointless, and the main character was literally in the wrong. She wasn't even a princess! This movie was already bad, but as a movie for Disney's 100th anniversary, it was a slap in the face."
Keldeo leaned forward and said, "In fact, Wish was so bad, that a South Korean children''s media company managed to make a movie that was better. I'm talking about Pinkfong's Baby Shark's Big Movie."
Baby Shark's Big Movie!
2023 ‧ Comedy/Adventure
When the Shark family move to the big city, it means a new life without Baby's best friend William. In the city, Baby meets an evil pop star who wants to take over the seas. It's up to Baby break her spell.
"I am completely serious right now," Keldeo said with a straight face, "I swear on my honor as a Sword of Justice that Baby Shark's Big Movie is not only better than Wish, but takes everything Wish failed at and does it right. The songs are better, the villain is better, the plot is better, everything!"
Keldeo nodded, "But before we dive in, let's get a little background. Starting with a personal story that Matthais told me. You see, back in elementary school, Matthais was in a free period, and two girls were singing a song about sharks that involved moving their hands, arms, and even legs. After singing about a family of sharks, the song took a dark turn and featured a swimmer getting attacked by the sharks, treading water, having an arm and a leg bitten off, needing CPR, and then dying when it doesn't work."
Keldeo nodded solemnly, "That was the original Baby Shark song, and it was DARK. Put it right next to Ring Around the Rosie and Lizzie Borden Took an Axe. But little did the world know that in 2011, Jonathan Wright, a children's entertainer from Endwell, New York known as Johnny Only, would released a kid friendly version of the song that removes the second half and just focusing on the shark family."
Keldeo sighed, "Unfortunately for Johnny, Baby Shark is in the public domain, so there was nothing he could do when Pinkfong saw his version and decided to make their own video. On November 25, 2015, Pinkfong uploaded a the version by then-10-year-old Korean-American singer Hope Segoine. And the rest is literally history. I mean, who doesn't know the story of how Baby Shark went viral and became the most watched video on YouTube. Apparently it was so popular that Nickelodeon actually partnered with Pinkfong in 2020 to make a full fledged animated series based on Baby Shark."
Keldeo shrugged and said, "Now, you don't need to watch Baby Shark's Big Show before you watch the movie. But if you want to know what the show is like, well I'd say it's like if you combined SpongeBob SquarePants and My Little Pony, but then added a sprinkling of Dora the Explorer and then just a drop of Bluey. I've seen clips of the show on YouTube and while it's clearly for little kids, you can see that some effort was put into it. Like, there are some bits of clever comedy. Nothing amazing, but it guess . . ."
Keldeo thought for a moment, then smiled, ". . .there's this new standard for kids cartoons that requires clever writing and more. . . emotional awareness. Like, characters can't just be naive and happy all the time. Now sometimes they'll be sarcastic, or brutally honest, or deliberately ironic. People can't make shows like Teletubbies or Barney anymore, and that's a good thing! There needs to be some wit in kids shows, even if the kids watching are 5 years old."
Keldeo kept his thoughtful expression and said, "And when I say that there's a drop of Bluey in the mix, well, there's a character who's adopted, and the show addresses it in a very well written scene that is perfect for its target audience. It's also very sweet and you can see it for yourself on YouTube." /f_zjlChH5Qs?feature=shared
Keldeo waved his hoof and said, "Well, enough background info. We've got a lot of movie to review. But before we begin, I just want to bring up one more thing."
Keldeo appeared rather annoyed and said, "Okay, so there's this guy on YouTube called Trev's Movies, and he's a movie reviewer. Now, I appreciate the fact that he reviews movies that most people don't talk about, like the direct to DVD Barbie movies. But his review of Baby Shark's Big Movie is the worst review I have ever seen in my entire life. He pretty much skips over half the movie, complains about the fish puns, and just makes stupid obnoxious jokes. That's not a review. And look, it's understandable if you find the Baby Shark song annoying, but it's not like it's just 78 minutes of that song, there's plot and characters here. Yes, it's weird to watch a film meant for kids, but that doesn't mean you go in biased and expecting it to stink. Trev ends the review saying it sucked and that nothing happened, but I have to ask. . . Did we even watch the same movie?!"
Keldeo settled down and said, "Well, how about I stop making claims and we just go through this movie ourselves. This is Baby Shark's Big Movie."
Keldeo frowned, "Oh, and if you don't want to waste your money on the DVD like I did, you can read the entire film transcript on the Pinkfong Wiki." Baby Shark's Big Movie!/Transcript | PINKFONG Wiki | Fandom
"So the movie opens up with a singing starfish named Stariana, voiced by singer and actress Ashley Tisdale. To tie it back to Disney, Ashley Tisdake got started by playing the character of Maddie Fitzpatrick in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Anyway, Stariana's song is catchy, in the same way the Baby Shark Song is catchy. It's really kiddy and simple, but not bad in my opinion. Also, Ashley is an amazing singer."
You're gonna wanna see Stariana
The greatest starfish in the whole wide water
Oh, from the tuna to the piranha
Every fish is gonna see, everything's about me
Stariana-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na
Keldeo grinned, "Not as good as Meloetta, obviously, but I digress."
Keldeo continued, "So, this isn't the first animated movie to have a famous singer play a character. Zootopia had Shakira as Gazelle, and My Little Pony: The Movie had Sia as Songbird Serenade. So, like in those movies, I guess Stariana is going to have a presence in the film and briefly interact with the plot, maybe Baby Shark will get to meet her-."
"Augh! Baby Shark!" Stariana said in disgust, "I can't believe some nofishy in the middle of nowhere is the catchiest fish in the sea."
"One day, everyfishy will listen to me and my song! There will be no Baby Shark, no Taylor Drift, no Doja Catfish, no ENHYPEN-"
"Aww, I kind of like ENHYPEN," said Stariana's faithful assistant Gilly.
"No ENHYPEN!" Stariana snarled in Gilly's face as she grabbed her.
"I mean, who needs pure earnest joy? Ha, no thanks," Gilly said quickly and nervously.
Keldeo's jaw dropped, and he said, "She's the villain?!"
DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNNN!
"Wow! Imagine if Gazelle was the villain in Zootopia! You wouldn't think they'd get a popular celebrity to play the villain. That is a bold decision."
"So, much like King Magnifico, Stariana is a villain with good publicity. Everyone loves her, and no one knows that she's actually evil. We also get to see her evil side early in the movie to keep her from being another twist villain," Keldeo explained, "But unlike Disney's Wish, this movie succeeds in presenting our villain as actually evil. King Magnifico was being paranoid in the scene where he says he won't grant most of the wishes, not evil. The wishes were given to him by his people of their own free will. He had every reason to be wary of granting vague wishes. How many stories have the moral 'be careful what to wish for.' He had every right to get mad at Asha and yell at her. No one saw him as a villain in that scene."
Keldeo grinned, "Now Stariana. . . That's a villain. This scene cements her as a character who's incredibly self centered and self absorbed to the point of hating anyone she sees as competition. For you see, Stariana is the perfect example of a narcissist. We even see hints of it in her song."
Every fish is gonna see, everything's about me
Keldeo got serious, "Now, Disney tried to hint at Magnifico being a narcissist with the statue and the cookies of his head and the line where he says 'mirrors love my face.' But that was their mistake. You see, that's not narcissism. That's vanity. Narcissism is when a person thinks the only person in the world that matters is themselves. Only their life is important. Everyone else is either an obstacle to remove or a means to an end. Other people have no value. Other people's thoughts, feelings, and needs do not matter to a narcissist. If a person were to drop dead in front of a narcissist, the narcissist would either step over or around the body without a second thought, or complain about how this person would dare inconvenience them by leaving their corpse in their way."
Keldeo blinked, "Wow. That got dark. You're probably thinking there's no way the villain of a Baby Shark movie could be that bad." Keldeo winked and said, "We'll see. . ."
Stariana and Gilly approached a clam shell, and Starian opened it to reveal a magical bubble.
"Bubble, bubble, spill the tea. Show me the catchiest fish in the sea," Stariana chanted.
The bubble swirled and showed an image of Baby Shark.
"Baby Shark! Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo! Baby Shark!" he sang.
"Wow, this movie even does Disney references better than Wish!" Keldeo exclaimed.
Stariana pointed to a star shaped birthmark on Baby Shark's face and said, "See that star mark? Legend has it that the catchiest fish in the sea is marked by a star."
"So Stariana needs to steal Brooklyn's singing abilities in order to become the greatest singer in the ocean," Keldeo said. He then chuckled and said, "Oh yeah, Baby Shark's real name is Brooklyn. I'm serious, look it up. No one ever calls him that though. I think he was only called that once in the show when he got in trouble. But I'm gonna call him Brooklyn in this review because it's my review."
A red gem appears inside the bubble.
"With this, I can steal the music from anyfishy's soul. Whatever song they have in their heart will be replaced by mine. And they'll be obsessed with me! Imagine it, everyfishy singing my song! Even this pesky little Baby Shark."
"So Stariana's plan is to use a magical gem called the Siren Stone to steal Brooklyn's song. Also, can I mention how the movie sets Stariana up as a perfect foil to Brooklyn. While both of them are singers, and their songs have similar beats, Stariana only sings about herself, while Brooklyn sings about his whole family. Stariana wants all the fame and attention as she sings solo, while Brooklyn wants to spread joy to everyone who hears him sing while also encouraging everyone to sing along. It's really clever what they did here."
"Anyway, we go back to Brooklyn, who is swimming around his home of Carnivore Cove while singing that song. He goes to meet up with his best friend, William. Now you might wonder why a shark is best friends with a goldfish. Well, first of all, William isn't a goldfish. It's a cartoon, and most of the characters are just random colors. William is actually a pilot fish. Why is that important? Well, in real life, pilot fish and sharks actually are friends. The pilot fish eat parasites, and leftovers, off of the shark, and the shark protects the pilot fish. So making Brooklyn's best friend a pilot fish was very clever."
Baby Shark knocks on the door and a manta ray comes out.
"Hi, Ms. Manta," he said happily
"Hi, Baby Shark," she said in kind.
"Also, making William's adoptive mother a manta ray was clever too because manta rays are another species that pilot fish like to follow."
"So Brooklyn and William go off to make friendship bracelets, and of course it's a musical number."
Keldeo smiled sheepishly and said, "Yes, that's three songs already, but don't worry, things will slow down a bit after this one. And hey, the song is fun and cheerful and optimistic."
Every day is a new adventure
The deep blue's got us front and center
We can't sink when we sing together
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Best friends till the end of time
Up or down, swimming' by your side
Our fin-ship is ocean wide!
"We even get a cameo from the angler fish from Finding Nemo!" Keldeo declared with a wide smile, "But seriously, it's pretty cool seeing them explore the ocean, going to different locations to get items for their friendship bracelets, all set to peppy music. And one part I kinda like is when they go into a sunken ship full of treasure, but then William just grabs a button and they both love it. It really shows the contrast between them and the horribly greedy Stariana."
"So, now it's time for them to exchange friendship bracelets and. . ."
Keldeo stopped and sighed, "Alright. . . listen. There are obviously different kinds of love. Friendship is a kind of love. Real friendship needs love. Friends should absolutely love each other. That's good."
Keldeo then huffed and said, "But just listen to this dialogue!"
"Baby Shark," William said in earnest, "Do you take this best fin-ship bracelet and swear to be my best friend forever, through thick and thin, in salt and fresh water?"
"I do," Baby Shark said gladly.
William slipped the bracelet onto Baby Shark's fin.
"William," Baby Shark said in earnest, "Do you take this best fin-ship bracelet and swear to be my best friend forever? In sickness and in kelp?"
"I doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!" William sang.
Baby Shark slipped the bracelet on William's fin.
"Why are we using wedding vows here?" Keldeo said, looking confused, "It just seems so awkward and unnecessary. It makes me wonder if originally, this was meant to be a Pride Month movie, but then they changed the script at the last minute, but they already had recorded this scene. It's kinda like how Sam and Frodo's scenes were written in The Return of the King. The Power of Friendship is very distinct from the Power of Love, and a story about two people caring for and supporting each other out of friendship can often be more interesting and thoughtful than a love story."
"But, anyway, the two friends go to Brooklyn's house to get something to eat, when they see that the entire Shark Family is addicted to Stariana's song."
"Hey, there's that Stariana music video again," William said.
"Wow, that song is everywhere. Kinda repetitive if you ask me," Baby Shark remarked.
"The writers know exactly what they're doing here," Keldeo said with a smirk.
"So, it turns out that as part of her evil plan, Stariana hired Brooklyn's mom to be the Entertainment Director for a big musical event in Chomp City, which is basically just underwater New York City."
An image of the city from Shark Tale appeared.
"NO!" Keldeo shouted angrily.
"The Chomptacular? That's the concert of the year! Everyfishy's gonna be there. Sharki B, Bad Bunnyslug- And ENHYPEN!" William exclaimed in amazement.
"You get to meet ENHYPEN?" Baby Shark gasped in awe.
"Yeah, all these musicians are also based on real singers," Keldeo said, "And apparently Enhypen is a popular boy band in South Korea. Makes sense, seeing as Pinkfong is a South Korean company."
"So, anyway, this means that the Sharks have to move away. Yeah, kid's show plot 101, I know. But it's okay if a premise has been done already if you build something new upon it."
"So, of course, Brooklyn and William are both sad, but Mommy Shark tries to cheer Brooklyn up."
"C'mon, Baby. Chomp City will be great. And while we get up on our fins, we'll get to stay with my old friend Leah. Remember how much fun she is? Plus, you'll finally get to meet her little pup Lannie."
"Leah Lanternshark?" Grandma Shark chimed in, "Hey, weren't you two in a yacht rock group together?"
The world goes dark as an uncomfortable look crosses Mommy Shark's face. "I try not to remember that," she said seriously.
"I wish there was a word for the way modern kids shows always add comically dramatic moments to make things more interesting," Keldeo remarked, "It's not really cynicism. . . I'm not sure what to call it."
"So soon it's time for the Sharks to move, but not before Brooklyn gives William an early birthday present."
"Two tickets to the Chomptacular!" William exclaimed in awe, "How?"
Baby Shark smiled, "Let's just say I know a shark."
Mommy Shark swam over and said, "It's me, I'm the shark."
"William, when you come visit me in Chomp City, we're going to be front row for ENHYPEN!"
Munna flew in and shouted, "Nepotism!"
Keldeo glared at Munna and said, "Oh come on, they're good kids, give 'em a break."
"So, the Sharks leave, well actually only Brooklyn and his parents leave, his grandparents stay behind to party, apparently. Anyway, Brooklyn and William share one last song, which sounds really beautiful to be honest."
"I'll be there when the tide starts turning"
"I'll be there when the waves stop curling"
"Forever the best duet
Our fin-ship's as good as it gets"
Baby Shark and William clasp fins and neon hearts radiate out around them.
Keldeo huffed, "Again, friends are supposed to love each other. I wouldn't even be saying anything if it wasn't for that weird wedding vow scene."
"So Daddy Shark downloads a GPS app on his clam shell shaped cell phone. . ." Keldeo paused and nodded, "Yes, this movie is filled with fish and sea creature puns, but I don't think they're annoying. I mean, okay maybe they can be annoying, but they're not as bad as the ones from Shark Tale. They're more like the ones in Shrek, in that they either make more sense or they're cute and funny enough that you can excuse them."
"So then we see that fish get around in this world by riding ocean currents, which appear as tubes of moving water that they use as highways," Keldeo explained, then he said, "So, it's like that scene from Finding Nemo, but I don't think it's a rip-off. Ocean currents do actually function like this. But it does kinda rip off of The Spongebob Squarepants Movie when the Sharks get lost and meet a pair of characters that are a lot like those gas station attendants Lloyd and Floyd."
An octopus and a fish sitting on a porch stare at the sharks and and exchange glances.
"Well at least they aren't laughing at them- wait, of course they aren't, they're sharks!"
"So, we finally arrive at Chomp City, which is so much like New York that we even see underwater Grand Central Station," Keldeo remarked, "But honestly, I like the way the underwater world is designed. It's a lot more colorful and imaginative than SpongeBob, and things just seem to make sense in the way they're designed. It's almost like Zootopia's world building."
"So after getting threatened by a hammerhead. . ."
"Those puppy shark eyes aren't going to cut it in Chomp City, squiddo!" the hammerhead snarled before chomping in Baby Shark's direction and swimming off.
"So I'm a little out of my depth. . . Mommy, Daddy! Wait for me!" Baby Shark shouted.
"Come on, you two! Keep an eye on your child, please!" Keldeo said incredulously.
"Well, anyway, we finally meet the lantern sharks Leah and Lannie."
"Let Auntie Leah do the shark check!" Leah said, and she began spinning Baby Shark around and slapping parts of him, "Dorsal fin, check. Star mark, check. Tail-perfectly springy."
"Biscuits! Keep your hands- uh- fins to yourself! You're lucky Brooklyn likes all this, he's got bigger teeth!" Keldeo remarked.
"So then Brooklyn gets introduced to Leah's daughter Lannie, and she-."
"Uh, hi, Lannie! I'm Baby Shark," he said gently.
"I know! I mean, nice to eat you. Gah! I mean, nice to meet you. Yeah," Lannie said as she darted back and forth, twirling and curving spastically with nervous wild energy.
"Nice to meet you, too. I like your colors," Baby Shark said.
"We're lantern sharks, so we glow! See?" the circle's on Lannie's body changed colors like a neon sign as she wildly gestured about, "Angry! Happy! Hungry. I guess you could say, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Except, I don't have sleeves,so you wouldn't say that." Lannie spun in a circle and hugged her tail in embarrassment, "Get it together, Lannie. Lock it down!"
"Okay, they wanted Awkwafina for this, but couldn't get her because she was busy voicing Scuttle in The Little Mermaid remake," Keldeo said with certainty, "I mean, come on, just listen to her! She is trying so hard to be Sisu from Raya and the Last Dragon. That naive innocent, energetic, quippy dialogue. It can be so infectious when Awkwafina does it right."
Keldeo frowned and said, "But of course Awkwafina isn't voicing Lannie, so it's annoying as HECK!"
"Anyway, Leah decides to show Brooklyn how great Chomp City is. But how will she do it?" Keldeo waved a forehoof and said, "I don't know, why not sing about it!"
Welcome to Chomp City
Where the world is bright and pretty
"Yeah, this song is alright. Leah's voice actor is a good singer, and we get a bunch more puns and some underwater version of all the sights of New York City. I gotta give points for creativity."
"So after the song, I guess the movie tries to create a kind of parallel between Mommy Shark's friendship with Leah and Brooklyn's friendship with William."
"Look at you, Mommy Shark, back in the city" Leah said, "Wow, ya know, it's been way too long."
Mommy Shark smiled nervously, "Yeah, I've been meaning to visit, but you know, life always seems to get in the way."
"Ugh. That pesky life," Leah said jokingly.
"Well, catch-up time starts now," Mommy Shark said while raising a tea cup.
"Totally," Leah agreed.
"Let the catching up begin!"
"Yes!" Daddy Shark shouted into his cellphone, "Oh, thank you! I'll take it! Mwah. Daddy's going to the dentist!"
In his excitement, he flipped over and crashed, "Whoo-ah! That hurt!"
Keldeo rolled his eyes, "Oh yeah, there's a running gag where Daddy Shark wants to visit a famous dentist called Dr. Sawtooth because he's a dentist too and. . . wants to get pointers from her? I actually have no idea what exactly he wants! I think this was just a way to give him something to do. Ugh, so the father is useless in this story. That's annoying."
Lannie gestured to the bunk beds in her room and said to Baby Shark, "This is my bed, and this one's yours! Unless you want mine, in which case you can totally have it."
"Oh, that's OK. Thanks, though," Baby replied.
"OK, but the offer stands. Anything for my new best bud!" Lannie sang.
"Uh, I kinda already have a best, best bud. But we can still be friends!"
"Totally! Well, this is still going to be jaw-some," Lannie cheered as she flailed about and got real close to Baby Shark, "It's like a forever sleepover!" Her tone then got low and she said, "Just a warning-my mom says I talk in my sleep. But I've never heard it, so-"
"Oh my gosh, this character is so annoying!" Keldeo complained, "Look, you need to be actually hearing and seeing this to understand how annoying Lannie is. Awkwafina has a certain rasp to her voice that keeps her characters from piercing your ear drums. Even worse is that Lannie is constantly changing her tone of voice and volume every 3 seconds!"
"But I'm just an understudy!" shouted Lannie in her sleep, "Me? Star in the off-off Broadwave production of 'Les Fisherables' tonight? La la la la la la la la!"
Baby Shark's eyes twitches as she lay in bed with Lannie singing loudly in her sleep.
"Oh, it could be worse, Brooklyn," Keldeo remarked.
"SPIDERS! SPIDERS! SPIDERS!" Patrick bellowed as he lifted up his rock and started slamming it on Spongebob repeatedly.
"Wait a minute, did they just reference Les Miserables in a Baby Shark movie!?" Keldeo exclaimed with wide eyes, "A play with prostitution and suicide in it? Has Lannie seen this play? Did Leah sneak her daughter in to see it?"
Lannie: "Uh, mom? What happened to that inspector guy? And what was the deal with that lady from earlier?"
Leah: "Uhhhhhhhhh. . . ."
"Biscuits, good luck explaining that to your kids, parents! Oh, Arceus, poor Brooklyn! I hope Lannie didn't sing any songs that were too scarring for him!"
"So, moving on, we get some scenes of Stariana discussing her plan to use the Siren Stone to, you guessed it, take over the world."
M. Bison: "OF COURSE!"
"And Stariana says this to Mommy Shark:"
"Anyway, he should stop by to get an autograph. I'd love to meet him," Stariana said as she squeezed Mommy Shark's cheeks and smiled an evil smile.
"That's so kind of you," Mommy Shark said.
Stariana narrowed her eyes and said in a sinister voice, "Oh, it's the least I could do."
Keldeo blinked and said, "Wow, Brooklyn's parents. . .kinda stink."
"So, anyway, Brooklyn video calls William on the phone during his birthday party, and they try to connect, but then William makes an inside joke that Brooklyn doesn't get, which makes him feel as though they're drifting apart. Oh, and there's also a Burning Man reference with Grandma and Grandpa shark throwing a party. It's weird and not funny. Moving on!"
"So that night, Brooklyn is upset about leaving his old life behind, and since his parents stink, it's up to Leah to help him."
"You know, Baby. Having a best friend is like being in any great pop duo– sometimes you sing together, and sometimes you sing apart. Like your mom and me," Leah said.
Baby Shark frowned and said, "But you two hardly talk anymore. Does that even count as fin-ship?"
Mommy Shark gasped at this.
"And here we get the Bluey-like dialogue, where the kids do not hold back in their words!" Keldeo said with a grin.
"Look. Just promise me you'll try. You'll love it here. There are more things to do in Chomp City than there are grains of sand in the ocean. Anything can happen. Who knows? Maybe you'll even make a new best friend," Leah said.
"Remember this line. It will be important later," Keldeo said pointedly, "Anyway, what are the parents up to now?"
Mommy Shark is relieved and happy for her son. So, she proceeds to go back to his room to sleep, but then she hears an unusual noise coming from the bathroom with the light on, so she goes to investigate, and it turns out that it is Daddy Shark flossing his teeth in a brutal, intense and fast state.
"Uh, what's going on, hon?" she asks.
"If I'm going to get my teeth cleaned by Dr. Sawtooth tomorrow, they need to be abso-toothly sparkling!" he said. He takes a bottle of mouthwash, drinks some of that liquid, gargles and spits. Then he takes his retainer and shows it to her and says, "You think she'll sign my retainer?"
Mommy Shark chuckles, "At least one of you fishies is adjusting well to city life."
"Yeah, this running gag with the father and this famous dentist basically exists to give him something to do while getting him out of Brooklyn's story," Keldeo explained, "Fine. If Brooklyn needs to save the world by himself, at least we get a reason for why his parents aren't a part of this."
Keldeo then added, "And you know what? This is very relatable. I mean, who doesn't go crazy making sure their teeth are as clean as possible before going to the dentist? Really, going to the dentist with food and stains on your teeth is pure humiliation."
"Anyway, we go back to Stariana and Gilly, who have found the temple where the Siren Stone is. But how were they able to track it down?"
"How did you track it down, anyways?" Stariana asked Gillie.
"Oh, I just did some research, befriended a quirky but kindly old monkfish, who gave me a sacred scroll, used disappearing squid ink to reveal the hidden symbols, and from there I triangulated the the hardest-"
"Shh!" Stariana said impatiently.
Munna flew in and she and Keldeo sang, "EX - PO - SI -TION! EX - PO - SI - TION! SPELL - IT -OUT! AS - AP!"
Keldeo then paused and said, "Actually, no. That actually sounds interesting. I'd actually like to see Gilly's adventures. It kinda reminds me of Luigi's adventure stories from Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door."
"So, it turns out there aren't any Indiana Jones style death traps on the Siren Stone, so Stariana just takes it and tests out it's mind control powers."
"Stariana-na-na-na-na-na-na," she sang into the Stone, which then enveloped Gillie in its magic, causing her eyes to glow purple.
"Gillie?" Stariana asked curiously.
"Yes, Stariana?" the fish said mindlessly.
"Do a backflip," Stariana ordered with a smirk.
"Yes, Stariana," Gillie said, and she obeyed the command.
"Now, I said earlier, Stariana is a true narcissist," Keldeo said, "She sees no value in anyone's life except her own. The idea of taking someone else's free will does not bother her in the slightest. The only reason Stariana lets Gillie out of the mind control is because she already is submissive and obedient to her."
Keldeo was dead serious as he added, "No, that's not just me assuming, she literally says it in the movie."
"OK, yeah, you honestly just do what I say anyways, so you don't really need to be mind controlled," Stariana said dismissively.
"Yeeaaaaah," Gillie said bashfully.
"I honestly don't know what's more disturbing. Stariana being a sociopath, or Gillie having no mind of her own," Keldeo said with wide eyes, "We need something to lighten the mood. How about a montage of Brooklyn adapting to the city life!"
Keldeo grinned, "Yeah, he just goes around. . . unsupervised. . . and does all the New York City things. He buys a hat, tips a street musician, eats a bagel, goes to a fashion show. . ." Keldeo looked nervous and said, "I sure hope no kid watches this and thinks they can just wander around New York City today."
"So, the day has arrived for William to arrive and see the Chomptacular with Brooklyn, and his mom lets him go on his own?! What is wrong with the parents in this world?" Keldeo exclaimed incredulosly.
"Mom, I'm a pilot fish. Directions are in my blood. Also, I just got this cool app called Waterways, so there's no way I'm going to get lost," William said.
"So we get a rehash of the scene with the sharks getting lost only with William, but he finally makes it and he and Brooklyn reunite."
"High fin for fin-ship!"
They are about to give each high fin, but they accidentally fail. They fall to the ground, get up, look at each other again and simply laugh at the half-clumsiness they had.
"FORESHADOWING!" Munna shouted as she flew by.
"Yeah, anyway," Keldeo said, "We go back to Stariana, who uses the Siren Stone to sing a remix of her theme song that brainwashes everyone near her soundstage, including Mommy Shark."
I'm Stariana, watch me flow, say my name, I know you know
Nothing hotter in the water, I'm the star, I run the show
All the squiddos clap their fins, pinch themselves like it's a dream
Sea me now they're saying: "Wow! It's Stariana! Oh, my gills!"
And it's known across the ocean, I'm the cause of the commotion
Everyfishy wants to meet me, I deserve all this devotion
Tap your tails to my new beat, all sold out no empty seats
Other songs just can't compete, so play my chorus on repeat
"Again, why are the songs in Disney's Wish so bad that the songs in Baby Shark's Big Movie sound like masterpieces!?" Keldeo exclaimed.
"So, after this, Brooklyn introduces William to Lannie."
Baby Shark and Lannie begin to give a brief rehearsal of their secret tail-shake. They shake their bodies, then turn around putting their heads down and pump their tails and when they make the quick turns, Lannie loses control and goes towards a big purple jellyfish stuffed, ending up getting bumped.
Lannie dizzily says, "Ta-da!
"Nice one, Lannie!" Baby Shark laughs.
William stares at them and said, "Oh, you guys have a secret tail-shake too... Cool."
"Alright, alright, it's time for the Third Act Misunderstanding and Break-up. We all knew it was coming. But wait! Would you believe that the way it's done here actually kinda works!" Keldeo said in earnest, "Just watch."
"You're really getting used to city life, huh?" William asked.
Baby Shark pauses and remembers the promise Leah asked him on his second night.
"Baby, swear on your star mark you'll give Chomp City a shot?" Leah had said.
Back in the present, Baby Shark forces a smile and says, "I love it here!"
William was surprised and unnerved, "Wow. You love it, love it?"
"Yeah, there are more things to do in Chomp City than there are grains of sand in the ocean. Anything can happen. Well, who knows? Maybe I'll even make a new best friend!" He quickly covers his mouth when realizes that that phrase was something offensive, "Uh, oh, I– I didn't mean…"
"Well… good!" William said angrily "Because I've already got a new best friend, too. Yeah."
"You see it? You see what happened there?" Keldeo said excitedly, "Remember that line I told you to remember?"
"Look. Just promise me you'll try. You'll love it here. There are more things to do in Chomp City than there are grains of sand in the ocean. Anything can happen. Who knows? Maybe you'll even make a new best friend," Leah said.
"In an effort to deal with his conflicting emotions about moving, Brooklyn internalized what Leah told him, and just regurgitated it. . . like a shark. . .I wonder if that was intentional? Anyway, Brooklyn just repeated what he was told, and accidentally implied that William has been replaced. Now, I'll spare you the details, but what happens is that it turns into a contest of who doesn't need the other more."
Keldeo thought for a moment, then he said, "Maybe you've seen this or done this before. Like one person says something, maybe even by accident, so then the other person has to say something stronger, then the first person has to one up the other, and they go back and forth until the friendship is 'over'. It kinda works and it's not too convoluted or contrived. It seems like something that a pair of friends could go through."
"So, long story short, Brooklyn takes off his friendship bracelet, and Willaim takes it and swims away all sad, and of course we get a sad song to go with the scene. Predictable, but not awful."
"After that, we get a disturbing Stariana scene!" Keldeo said with a grin.
A horn honks and it's nothing more than Stariana's limo passing by William.
"The limo is comically long," Keldeo said with a straight face, "Like, it takes several seconds for the other end to arrive on screen."
Yakko Warner: "MWAH! Goodnight everybody!"
He watches with shock, the limo stops and just at the end, the window opens, revealing Stariana.
"Shello there," she said.
"Whoa… aren't you... Stariana!?" he said in shock.
"Mm-hmm. Pleased to meet you," she said, and she zaps him with the Siren Stone.
The limo drives off as Stariana laughs evilly, and William is gone.
"Stariana just abducted a child!" Keldeo said with wide eyes, "I mean, think about it!"
"So, more and more citizens have been possessed, and Stariana sends a delivery shark to give Baby Shark a holographic message."
"Huh? A Stariana flow stick?" Baby Shark said, and he presses the only button on the stick and a hologram message appears around to transmit through the air
On the hologram message, Stariana said, "Shello, Baby Shark. You have something I want. And it just so happens I have somefishy YOU want!" She shows him William, possessed by the Siren Stone.
"What? William?! What is this?!" Baby Shark exclaimed.
"Your best friend is now under my control. And we need a special guest for my special performance tonight. Don't we, William?"
"Yes, Stariana," he says in a trace.
"If you want your friend to swim free, surrender your star mark to me. And give me the power of your song!" Stariana said threateningly.
"The power of my song?" Baby Shark echoed in shock.
"You get your friend; I rule the whole ocean. We're all happy as clams."
"So Brooklyn decides that in order to defeat a singing villain, he needs to get help from other singers, so he decides to get ENHYPEN to help him. But what about his dad? He has to have noticed all the hypnotized fish around the city. . ."
Daddy Shark arrives out of nowhere and abruptly screams as opens the curtains to enter, "Stop everything! Oh, hi, Stariana. This will just take a moment," he goes inside and talks to Mommy Shark, "Sweetie-fins, the worst thing ever happened. I was on my way to Dr. Sawtooth, but Waterways gave me the craziest directions, and– hey, uh, what's up with your eyes?"
"Oh yeah!" Keldeo said with a grin, "That starfish brainwashed his wife! Daddy Shark is going to bite all five of her arms off and-."
Stariana smirked and raised the Siren Stone, "Time to be quiet, Gerald."
Daddy Shark cried out as he was zapped by the Siren Stone.
Keldeo sighed, "Alright, I get it. It's a little kid's movie. But still, what kind of a wimpy shark is this guy!? Princess Peach puts up more of a fight than this guy!"
"So, anyway, we get that trope where a character sneaks into a place by hiding in the room service. It's a classic skit from cartoon history."
"All right, food's here," said band member Jake.
Sunoo goes to pick up the plate and brings it to the rest of the group. As Sunghoon lifts the gold dome for everyone to feed themselves, he notices Baby Shark, who is happy to see them in person.
Sunghoon stared and said awkwardly, "There's a shark in our chapaguri." The rest of the group reunite with him in a circle and look at Baby Shark.
"Uuuuhhh… do we send it back?" Jay said.
Baby Shark was shaking with excitement as he beheld the boy band, "I'm so, so, so, so, so excited to meet you! I'm Baby Shark! And you're ENHYPEN! And I'm Baby Shark, in the same room as ENHYPEN! . . . . Now, you say something!"
Keldeo grinned, "He reminds me of myself when Xerneas is brought up. He is so cooooool."
Keldeo shook off his starstruck daze and said, "So ENHYPEN is a real boy band from Korea, and they play these fish versions of themselves."
Floyd the Pichu walked in and said, "Actually, they're supposed to be beluga whales."
Keldeo blinked, "Okay. . . Well anyway, I could say that their voice acting sounds off, but I'm gonna hold my tongue here because these guys are Korean, so English isn't their first language. If anything their voice acting is shockingly good under the circumstances."
"Anyway, Brooklyn tells ENHYPEN all about Stariana and William, and they reveal that they're actually secret agents. Yeah, their trailer actually reveals a bunch of spy gear and stuff, and they do the obligatory super spy suit up scene. who knew that the Siren Stone was stolen."
The rest of the group puts their right fins together with Sunoo, revealing that they are all wearing some kind of spy bracelet. Ni-Ki puts a spy microphone on the right side of his head, takes off his tie and puts on a bigger one and makes a pose. ENHYPEN assembles in front of Baby Shark.
Baby Shark is shocked, "WhaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAA–?!"
Heeseung nodded and said, "Shocking, but true."
Jake swims over to the touch monitor and opens some files, "You're right about the Siren Stone. It's a powerful piece of ancient musical magic.
"And they somehow didn't know Stariana had until now because if they just arrested Stariana right away we wouldn't have a movie. Sure, I get it," Keldeo said, "We gotta have a plot with drama to keep things interesting."
"Poor William! I wish—" Baby Shark lets himself fall to the ground and vents his mere sorrowful guilt, " I WISH he and I were NEVER friends to begin with. Then we wouldn't have gotten into a fight! And he wouldn't be in trouble now!"
ENHYPEN notices the Baby Shark's distress and is going to console him with a sermon.
Sunghoon approaches Baby Shark and lifts him back up, "C'mon, Baby. Don't say that."
Jay nodded and said, "Sometimes, we hurt our friends' feelings. We drift apart," he puts his fins on Ni-Ki and Jungwon, "and come back together."
"Did ENHYPEN have a break up and then come back together?" Keldeo asked, "I feel like they're deliberately trying to reference something here."
"So since ENHYPEN knows that if Stariana gets Brookyln's song and star mark the world is doomed, they adults decide to arrest Stariana themselves while putting Brooklyn in a safe house," Keldeo said with certainty. Then he burst out laughing.
"So… you're ready to gear up?" Jungwon asked.
Baby Shark's face took up the entire screen and he said with a toothy smile, "Am I?"
Baby Shark gears up with a spy microphone on his right side of the head and a spy bracelet on his left fin.
"One of the running gags of the movie and the show is that Brooklyn's face would take up the entire because. . . " Keldeo thought for a moment, then shrugged, "I don't know. It's funny? It's cute? It was a thing from the viral YouTube video? I don't know."
Keldeo then got excited, "Alright, so fine. It's time for the final battle where ENHYPEN and Brookyln confront Stariana!"
"HARMONY!" the heroes all sang as they ambushed Stariana backstage.
"Ugh, why are they here?" Stariana complained.
"We're here to stop you," Baby Shark said, "What you're doing is wrong, Stariana."
"Blah, blah, blah. What part of 'I don't care' don't you understand?" she replied.
"She'll never listen, Baby. We have to fight music with music!" one of the band members said.
Keldeo nodded, "Yeah! It's time for a battle of the bands!"
Baby Shark raised his fin and said, "Wait, Stariana, please! When you take fishies' songs, you're taking away what makes the ocean beautiful. Everyfishy has a song to sing!"
"Brookyln, no! This isn't Undertale! Don't ACT! FIGHT!" Keldeo said urgently.
Stariana attacked with the Siren Stone. Baby Shark dodged it, but ENHYPEN got zapped and instantly mind controlled.
"Oh come on!" Keldeo complained, "This is like that scene in Hop when the Pink Berets, those really cute and awesome ninja bunnies who were the only good part of that entire nasty piece of garbage film, got trapped in chocolate instantly the second they tried to fight the villain!"
"So since ENHYPEN was useless, Brooklyn decides to sacrifice himself to save William and doom the rest of the world," Keldeo frowned and sighed, "Sure, that's fine. I mean, he's just a kid, and his parents have already been mind controlled. It's not like he's a shark with sharp teeth. It's not like I want him to eat her or kill her. I guess it's because I'm a Pokemon, and all I can see is a Sharpedo not using Bite on this Staryu and knocking her out in one attack with a Super Effective Dark-type move!"
Keldeo huffed, "So, Stariana at least is true to her word and lets William go so he can watch as she zaps Brooklyn with the Siren Stone. . ." Keldeo's eyes widens, "and it looks really painful! Like, this narcissistic psychopathic monster is electrocuting this small child in front of this other small child!"
Keldeo backflipped and shouted, "Woo-hoo! This villain is amazing! She blows King Magnifico off the surface of the Earth! And when she takes the star mark, she has this incredible evil laugh as she grows twice the size and achieves her final form with a crown and everything! Why is everything about her so perfect? How is she a better Disney villain than the actual Disney villain that came out that exact same year!? EVEN HER VILLAIN SONG IS BETTER!"
It's my ocean
It's… it's my ocean (you just swimming in it)
It's my ocean
It's… it's my ocean (you just swimming in it)
Fishy, don't you...
even bother?
Don't you know I...
run the water?
Better get used...
to the notion
you just swimming in it, It's my ocean
So watch me winning all the time time time
It's all mine mine mine
You should come and see
How I dominate the sea
With my rhyme rhyme rhyme
It's all mine mine mine
You squiddos came to play
But you know I came to win
All the time time time, yeah
"Seriously, which is better? Some guy whining about how nobody respects him, even though everyone did respect him, whining about everyone else is ungrateful, singing a pop song with cringy lines like 'peep the name', and then actually saying he doesn't want to be evil. . . or a dominating megalomaniac belting out a passionate anthem of victory where she curses everyone around her, runs up the side of a skyscraper, and essentially declares herself a goddess with no remorse!" Keldeo ranted, "Stariana is the greatest villain since Jack Horner from Puss in Boots: The Last Wish and the High Evolutionary in Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3!"
Keldeo clamed down a bit and continued, "Another thing this movie does good with the villain is show off how powerful and dangerous she is. During the song, she runs up to the top of the tallest building and uses the Siren Stone to broadcast her singing across the entire world, mind controlling everyone!"
"We're number one in the Pacific!" Gillie cheered as she looked at the computer monitor, but then her expression turned to horror. "The Atlantic? The Arctic?"
Gillie looks up in fear as Stariana's maniacal laughter echoes throughout the city.
"Hold on," Keldeo said, "The Pinkfong Wiki says Baby Shark lives on Ocean Planet, which makes sense when you see how none of these sea creatures are realistically colored. So why do the oceans have the same names as the one on Earth?"
Keldeo waved a forehoof and said, "Oh whatever. Anyway, during all this, William tries to get Brooklyn to sing his song, but getting zapped by the Siren Stone seems to have robbed him of his singing ability."
"I-I can't. I'm just too tired. I'm sorry, William," Baby Shark said sadly.
"Well, if you can't sing, then I'll sing for you," Willaim said.
He placed the friendship bracelet back on Baby Shark's fin and sang.
"Baby Shark
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Baby Shark"
Baby Shark lays still with his eyes closed.
"I have another theory. In the first draft, this was gonna be a fake out death," Keldeo said, "After getting zapped by Stariana, Brooklyn was going to fall down and look dead, but someone didn't like that and changed it to him just being tired."
"Well, either way, it turns out that their friendship is so strong that it turned their bracelets into magical items stronger than the Siren Stone, so now Brooklyn can sing again. And of course, we get a remix of the Baby Shark song."
William, too
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
William, too,
William, too
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
William, too
Mommy Shark
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Mommy Shark
Daddy Shark,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Camera Shark
Everyfishy got a song
And we all know how to sing along
There's just no way to do it wrong
So sing it loud, and sing it strong
We wanna hear it
Wanna feel it
Be yourself, you know you got to mean it
Let everyfishy sing it
"So we get a musical battle between Stariana and the sharks, where I guess we're following Regular Show logic where it takes a catchier song to destroy a catchy song. Oh yeah, and Gillie leaves Stariana."
"Cut their feed, Gillie! Stop them!" Stariana ordered angrily.
Gillie swam over and smiled smugly while mushing Stariana's cheeks. "Stariana- sweet, sweet, simple little Stariana- no." She then swam away, much to Stariana's shock.
Keldeo shrugged, "Either she saw which way the wind was blowing and didn't want to go down with her boss, or she really did realize how evil Stariana was and decided that she couldn't support someone that horrible anymore. So, Stariana tries to counter with more of her singing, but the Baby Shark song is too catchy and it frees all of the brainwashed sea creatures. In fact, Brooklyn and William's friendships bracelet are so magical that they not only get back Brookyln's star mark, but also cause the Siren Stone to explode."
"WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY!" Stariana screamed as the explosion sent her flying out of the city.
Team Rocket: "WE'RE BLASTING OFF AGAIN!"
Stariana lands on a rock in the middle of nowhere and cries out, "All I ever wanted was everything!"
Keldeo nodded and said, "That's how you write a villains' defeat. You don't randomly shove them into a staff for no reason just so you can make a blink and you'll miss it magic mirror reference. Stariana was a megalomaniac and a narcissist who was always going to want more, by her own admission. So stripping her of everything she has and leaving her with absolutely nothing is the most perfect way to end all of this."
"So, the day is saved, and we get this well thought out line."
"Aw, William, everything was changing. And I didn't know how to deal with it, especially without you," Baby Shark said in earnest.
"This is a good way of putting it," Keldeo said with a nod, "The idea that the stress of moving can be hard on a kid is a valid point, and it matches how he just repeated what Leah said and hurt William by accident, and then just went into a downward spiral after that. It really makes that inevitable third act breakup misunderstanding more bearable."
"So, I suppose that's the end. With Stariana gone, Mommy Shark gets her old job back and the family moves back to their old town. Brooklyn and William say goodbye to Lannie, but agree to all be friends and share a triple secret tail-shake. And the movie ends with William and the sharks coming home to see Grandma and Grandpa throwing their wild party, but of course they all just join in for a dance party ending, because how else would a Baby Shark movie end?"
Keldeo nodded and said, "So, that was Baby Shark's Big Movie, and looking bad at it objectively, I have to say, for a movie for little kids, it's way better than it needed to be. If you have kids, show it to them and they'll love it. Now, if you're outside the target age. . ."
Keldeo thought a moment, then admitted, "You might be annoyed a little. You'll definitely be able to predict what's going to happen. At the same time though, you would still be able to see the effort that went into this. You'll probably find some of the jokes funny. And while some songs might be annoying, none of them are actually bad. Stariana's songs are amazingly villainous and are a hundred times better than This Is The Thanks I Get. But even putting Wish aside, you can't deny that this is a good animated kids movie with an entertaining villain and actually clever writing that had actual soul in it."
Keldeo grinned happily and said, "All in all, the songs are also catchy and enjoyable, and the plot, while predictable, is well-executed. There is clever writing and world-building in this movie. It might be aimed at young children, but anyone can still enjoy it for its humor, music, and surprisingly well-developed characters. It may not be high art. It might not say anything bold or important or have massive emotional gut punches. But it is still a very fun, very catchy, and very clever animated film."
It's the end
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
It's the end!
Keldeo shook his head, "I just can't believe that Trev guy trashed this movie so hard, I mean, what kind of person does-?"
Suddenly, Victini flew over and said, "Uh, Keldeo? Trev's Movies uploaded a video where he reviewed several episodes of Baby Shark's Big Show."
Keldeo froze. "What did he say about it?"
Victini frowned, "Well, he mostly just made a bunch of gay jokes about Baby Shark, William, and their octopus friend."
Keldeo turned into his Resolute Form, and he powered up his Secret Sword and swung it with a scream of rage.
THE END
Credits
Wikipedia
Baby Shark - Wikipedia
Moviepedia
Baby Shark's Big Movie!/Transcript | Moviepedia | Fandom
PINKFONG WIKI
Baby Shark's Big Movie!/Transcript | PINKFONG Wiki | Fandom
Trev's Movies
Watchin' & Talkin' BABY SHARK'S BIG MOVIE is Just Humiliating... [CENSORED] ( )
Wish (2023)
Baby Shark's Big Show! | William's Mother's Day Surprise (S1, E20) | Paramount+
Baby Shark's Big Show! | William's Mother's Day Surprise (S1, E20) | Paramount+ ( )
Shark Tale
Les Miserables
Regular Show
Season 2 Episode 13: This Is My Jam
Pokemon
The Animaniacs (1993 - 1998)
Undertale
Hop