This is my story. My own, personal real life. It actually happened.
Unfortunately for me, it hasn't stopped and stuff continues to happen to this day. I feel like I'll never stop writing this and even debated not writing it, however, why should I not call people out for what they have done? I'm expected to take accountability for my own actions as well as other peoples.
They can take accountability for what they've done to me and my family.
And if those people are reading this: Go cry to someone who cares.
If this ends up posted somewhere or published, I can guarantee I'm going to get a lot of hate and gaslighting.
This is written from my own point of view, how things were told to me and what I can remember. Nobody can tell me any of this didn't happen, unless I was lied to about some of it, in which case, that is not my fault I was lied too.
I've been meaning to write this for a long time, but something always came up to stop me or I never knew where to start. I still don't, so I'm just going to write it like it's a story, since it is really.
I was born at the end of 1993, when my mother, Leana, was 16 and my father, Mark, was 21.
To understand me and my life, you'd have to understand theirs.
Leana 'Sheppy' Marie Shepherd, born in 1977, was abused at home by her own step father, from what I was told by herself. Her father, Christopher Shepherd, and her mother, Sandra Peach, had divorced or split up when she was young and Sandra moved in her children, Aiden, Leana and Krisa, with the new boyfriend, Hank Sharrock.
I'm not entirely sure on the ages at the time, but I know Krisa was an infant still. She is the youngest of the three, with Aiden being the oldest.
Growing up, Leana told me stories of how Hank would hit her and punch her. She told me once that Hank came into her room one time and punched her so hard in the face that blood splattered across the wall. Another time, he dragged her by the hair around the verandah while Sandra followed yelling that she deserved it.
During the time my mothers family was in this chaotic household, Christopher had gotten with someone else later on. I know nothing of his life prior to the birth of his next three children, Natalie, Jaime and Josh.
Leana reconnected with Christopher in her teens. I'm not sure her exact age, but I think it was before I was born.
Christopher's other children are: Natalie who is 2 or 3 years older than me, I believe. Jaime is 1 or 2 years older and Josh is just 3 months older than I am.
Leana was 15 years old when I was concieved. Mark was 20 years old. Leana had turned 16 years old 4 months prior to giving birth to me. Mark turned 21 less than a month after I was born. I'll let that sit with you for a moment.
I don't know much else about my mother's life besides the physicial and mental abuse she copped at home. She has told me she was touched by a man who lived at the caravan park, not sure which town, when she was 7 years old.
I know nothing of Christopher's childhood, and only know that Sandra's parents died young. She told me she was 4 years old when they died, and grew up with an aunty and uncle, who abused her. I learned later her mother died in an accident and her father died later on. Again, this is just what I was told.
Mark 'Howie' Stanley Howarth, born in 1972, the youngest child to Bruce Arthur Howarth and Colleen Ita Teasdale. Both of my grandparents were born the late 1940s and were married when Colleen was about 19 years old.
Bruce was an only child, whereas Colleen was the youngest girl in 10 children. 5 girls and then 5 boys.
She got pregnant and had a daughter, Sonia Colleen Howarth, who was premature, so sadly died not even 24 hours later.
Craig Bruce Howarth was born in 1969 and then Mark was born in 1972.
They moved around a fair bit, including being in Maryborough, Melbourne, Cope Cope and Bendigo.
Colleen was a stay at home mother as far as I am aware, and Bruce worked on the railways for quite a few years. He also worked in a furniture making factory briefly from what I can remember as a child.
They bought a 20 acre property, building a decent sized 2 bedroom bessa brick house on the property. There was a large shed they lived in while the house was being built which had a small carport behind in and a motorbike shed on the otherside as Bruce owned a Harley Davison. There were 2 small garden sheds on the property, as well as 4-6 rain water tanks, as far as I remember; 2 dams, 1 large for fish, yabbies and ducks, the small one with a pump to dam water into the house. There was a chicken coop and at one time there were pigs. I doubt it was for long, since I only have a vague, fuzzy memory of them.
I still remember jogging down the driveway early in the morning with their dog, Ottie, who had an odd attitude towards me. He hated everyone, bit or growled at everyone, but he never did it to me.
I still remember how warm the house would be in winter because of the firebox and the combustion stove.
I also remember when the house still had polished concrete before floating floors were put it. I remember laying on the cold concrete floors during summer since my grandparents didn't have an air con.
Anyway, back on track.
Howie would tell me that how him and Craig grew up, they would run amok. And I don't disbelieve him. He told me they would take their dirtbikes out and hoon around, shoot at each other with guns and beat each other up.
He also told me that Craig was the 'favorite' child. That he felt that way and was neglected, and as a result got into trouble.
He would get into fights and bash people just because he could. He told me that he would go to Melbourne, hang out the train windows and hit 'black cunts' on the way passed. He probably meant trams, and I don't know if I believe he did it anyway. I believe he would beat anyone who wasn't white, since he is a racist.
He was in and out of boys' homes and prison before I was born.
I don't even know exactly how my parents met, but the town St. Arnaud is very small. Everyone knows everyone type town, so it was probably the fact they knew the same people.
They got together, Leana leaving home relatively quickly. Howie lived in a shed out bush, out of town, so they lived out there for a while.
When I was born, they lived in Stawell. We weren't there long before we moved back to St. Arnaud.
My brother, Robert Howarth, was born in 1995 in St. Arnaud a month and a half after she turned 18 years old.
He was born with lactose intolerance, so he would cry and be sick a lot. I believe my parents had some issues dealing with it, and my mother in particular on top of my father being abusive.
He would hit her and beat her. She was not shy about telling me about it while I was growing up.
Howie also had a job as a painter or a panel beater at the time. There have been conflicting information about which one it was.
When Rob was a few months old, when he was old enough to eat food, Howie started to abuse him. I actually don't know when it started, but Leana told me that she caught him shoving a spoon down his throat. On a separate occasion, she caught Howie strangling him.
She left him after that.
During our early lives, Bruce and Colleen would have us a lot. I've even been told they would consider getting custody of us, but I don't know whether it was just a consideration, or if they actually looked into the matter.
During the time we lived in St. Arnaud, some things had happened that I had forgotten or blocked out, so this where I will mention them.
Howie hadn't, to my knowledge, abused me in any way except for one time. Apparently I was running around back and forth in front of him. He got annoyed and grabbed my head, throwing me into a cupboard door. Knowing his history, I don't disbelieve it, though he claimed I was the only child he wanted at one point, so I also don't know if this incident is exaggerated.
Another time, Leana told me she had gone out to the supermarket and left her friends in charge of watching me. When she come back, they were frantically looking for me. This next part has 2 versions so I will put both of them. The first version is that she found me wandering around about 2 or 3 blocks away. The second version is that while everyone was looking for me, a man pulled up with me in the backseat and asked them if I was the one they were looking for.
The second version was told to me first years later, and when I brought it up again, I was told that never happened and the first version was the actual version. Either version is just as crazy, if you ask me.
When I was about 3 or 4 years old, I was with Leana at her friend Paulines house. Pauline had 3 or 4 boys, all roughly the same age me. We were all playing outside while the adults were inside. I had started crying and screaming so they had come outside and asked what was wrong. The boys had covered me in fuel and were looking for a match. When they were asked why they did it they said: To see what would happen.
I don't remember this happening, I was told this by Leana. It makes sense this happened though, since I have sensitive skin, particularly my scalp.
I also have a scar on my left knee from sliding down the tilted part of a bathtub and cutting my knee open on a broken tile. I never went to the hospital for this as far as I know.
Leana got with another man, Jeremy Barron, and moved into a house next door to a Mitre 10. When I say next door, I mean it was close enough to touch the wall if you stood outside and leaned over the fence. I think the house might still be there.
I'm not sure how long we were there for, and I don't remember what the inside of the house looks like. Rob and I may have been with Bruce and Colleen at this time.
When I was 3 years old, my great grandfather, Raymond Shepherd, died. I don't remember him, since I was so young, but I have been told we were really close. I don't know how true that is. The year after, Christopher died by drowning. He drowned while fishing.
Leana told me the last thing he said to her was: I'm not coming back until I get a good catch. And he didn't come back.
She also told me that I banged on the coffin and yelled that he wasn't dead.
I started kindergarden in , which I remember bits and pieces vaguely.
I also started Prep in St. Arnaud, which I also remember. I remember hiding in a concrete T shaped tunnel that was in the sandpit, and a boy, Matthew Rickard, coming and hanging out with me. We were friends for many years afterwards.
I also remember another boy I was friends with, but I can't remember his name; Samuel, I think. I remember that he was tall and skinny, and had black hair. He also had 2 girls that were his friends, and were always with him. He was always nice to me.
I was staying with Bruce and Colleen at this time and I would take the 5km bus ride from the property to the school. One time, my bus-buddy (who is usually a grade 6 child who sits on the same bus) wasn't at school, so I accidently took the wrong bus. Most of the buses were blue, but I had gotten on a yellow bus. The bus driver had realized I was on the wrong bus and taken me back to school, but not before the bus was empty.
At some point, we ended up moving from St. Arnaud to Hamilton. The house was 3 bedroom, in a rounded court in a commission area. I remember there was a small garden shed in the backyard, and the yard itself was a decent size.
I was about 6 years old at this point and going to primary school. Rob was going to Kindergarden.
Leana was pregnant and had a boy, Seth Barron, in 2000. Years later, she told me that she had actually had an abortion before this, but she got pregnant soon after, so she thought: This kid wants to be born.
I don't remember much from this time.
I've been told that Rob and I would leave the house and end up inside a house 2 or 3 doors down, where a man named Pyro lived.
I vaguely remember what inside of the house looked like.
There were also stories of how I used to walk to school with 2 other girls who went to the same school. Corelle and Tyra Murtaugh who are 1 and 2 years older than me, would, as far as I've been told, walk to school by ourselves. I don't remember these walks, but since I'm familiar with the area, I know how far the school is from where we lived. Having 3 6 to 8 year old girls walk by themselves in such a shady area, I'm surprised that nothing ever happened.
The other things I vaguely remember are almost dream-like, that's how vague they are.
I remember having a large raggity-ann like doll that had a purple dress. I remember calling it 'Granny Viv' after my great grandmother, but I don't know what happened to it.
I remember hiding on, what I think was a couch but I'm 100% sure, under a blanket. The blanket was ripped off and my mother's boyfriend started to hit me. I was only sucking my thumb, so I assume that was what it was for.
I also remember being very aware of something I shouldn't have been aware of. As much as this still is very embarrassing to mention, I still will seeing as I was only around 6 or 7 years old. I'm not sure how to say it, so I'll just say it. I used to touch myself. As a child that young, I don't know where I learnt it, but I can imagine. This continued for years, until I became aware and disgusted. As a child, it was an addiction, but as I got older it became something like shame. Nobody knew about this as far as I know.
I don't remember much else, aside from a Shetland pony named Smoky. He lived in our backyard.
We moved from Hamilton to Corio, Geelong. I remember a little more of this house. We lived in a court, and the school, Rosewell Primary School, was only a walk away. We had a cat and 2 dogs, and would visit the greyhound racing track when they had shows on.
I remember one day a drunk came banging on the front door and pushing past my mother and chasing me and my brother up the hallway. I was told later on that he didn't chase us, but me and my brother had ran into the bedroom, slammed the door and sat against it. It scared the crap out of us.
While I was going to Rosewell, there was a building next door to it that they ran karate classes out of. I vaguely remember attending some but I don't know how long that lasted.
After that, we moved to Belmont, another suburb of Geelong. By this time, my mother had another boy, Dexter Barron in 2001.
The house we lived in was actually quite big. There were 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a large loungeroom. The backyard was big enough for 3 outdoorsy, rowdy kids to play in, as well as a trampoline, caravan, large tree and a shed.
My core memories of this place are just having a lot of people around all the time. My aunty Krisa living with us at one point; swaping and changing bedrooms a lot; a cat giving birth on me while I was asleep; and pulling a CD player outside to dance in the front yard. Rob would sometimes come out with me and ask people for money as they walked past.
One time, he told me he and Seth were going to walk around the block knocking on doors to pretend to be the Red Cross and ask for money. Rob was 6 and Seth was 2. Needless to say it worked and they got a lot of money. Once our mother realized they had gone, I had to go by myself to go look for them.
Some other things that happened were we would go to Oberon Primary School, and same as Hamilton, walk to school ourselves. Lucky the highway had a crossing lady for us.
I remember walking to school was a set of twin girls. We would hang out with them and go to their house sometimes. We also used to walk or ride our bikes up the hill and around the corner to the milk bar. Further down was a park with a tennis court. It was about 5 or 6 blocks from our house.
We were at Oberon for a short time before we moved schools. Rob was being bullied by his 'friend', Josh, and because Josh lived around the corner from us, it was better to move schools to avoid him, seeing as our mother still allowed him over for some reason.
I never told anyone that Josh was actually trying to touch me as well. He would do it at the school when nobody was around, and then try and do it at my house. Every time he came around, I tried to avoid him but usually couldn't. The only time he wouldn't be able to touch me was when there was people around.
When we moved schools to Grovedale Primary School, it was still walking distance, but in the opposite direction. It took about 30 minutes to walk and I would usually walk by myself or with Rob. The route was follow the road to the nature reserve, then follow the path to the road and the school was right across the road. The reserve scared me to walk through sometimes because by this time I was hyper aware of what people were capable of.
I had insomnia as a child and wouldn't be able to sleep at night, so I'd stay up to watch SVU (Special Victims Unit) or X-Files. My mother allowed both of those.
I remember watching an episode SVU and hearing the word "rape" for the first time. I asked my mother what it meant and she said: when you're having sex and they punch and kick you at the same time.
I wish she'd explained it better.
Also another time when I couldn't sleep, I was talking to one of my mothers friends on Yahoo. He was a nice guy and he never did anything bad. Another guy popped up on the screen friend requesting so I woke her up and asked if she knew him. She was half asleep and said yes. I think she thought it was her actual friend.
The man then proceeds to talk me into turning the webcam on, then saying his didn't work. Even as a 10 year old and having been exposed to SVU, I knew as soon as he said that, that he was sus. I had a feeling.
But I kept talking to him. He was "complimenting" me on my body, specifically my breasts, and asking me to take my shirt off. I laughed at the camera and told him I'm not an idiot.
My mother eventually came to check on me and I was the one who got into trouble. She yelled at me to go to my room and she got on the PC to tell the guy off.
I don't know how long later, but Jeremy came into my room and basically said what my mother should have said about coming to him and telling him if anything like that happened again.
What upset me the most at the time was me and Rob didn't even like Jeremy at the time, and HE was the one to say that.
Not my mother.
I'm going to take a break here and write more later. I know this first chapter is confusing.
It is for me too, seeing as I have basically no memories until I was at least 7 or 8.