Thanks so much for the reviews Guest, Lynx in Snow and dazboy!
Time seemed to be suspended as the stormtrooper walked over to the nearest bomb, his mind blank and empty of all that had made him a person. He would die a slave to a will not his own, killing himself and everyone else along with him. It was horrible and wrong and yet Amaya did not stop him as the seconds seemed to stretch on to years, prolonging the agony of anticipation.
And then the ship exploded and Amaya was thrown from the stormtrooper's mind. She felt his Force signature extinguish, along with Snoke's and 2 million others, the force of it knocking her to her knees. She collapsed, the pain of all those lives being extinguished at once searing through her heart and cutting her to the core. She felt Ben try to catch her, wrapping his arms around her, but she barely noticed it through the screaming in the Force.
She looked up into the sky, the clouds of fire and debris that used to be the Supremacy continuing to expand and fall towards the planet below. Around her, she vaguely realized that people were screaming as they realized what was happening. Their cheers and whoops of joy jarred horribly with the grief she felt over the lives she had just cut short. She looked up, catching Leia's eye, and saw fear reflected in her expression.
"Amaya!" Ben cried, for probably the millionth time, and Amaya finally looked at him, forcing her eyes to focus on his face.
"I did it." She whispered, her voice coming out hoarse.
"You did it." He repeated, his relief palpable. For the first time in his life, he was entirely free from the man who had abused him since before he could talk. The man who had shaped his beliefs and thought patterns for longer than he could remember.
Amaya let out a strangled laugh despite the pain in her chest. "It's over." She breathed. "He's gone."
Ben laughed, his eyes shining with tears of relief as he pulled her to his chest. Amaya closed her eyes, trying to focus on his scent and the feel of his arms. Something easier said than done when the Force was still screaming from the loss of life.
Destroy the Supremacy and you will know the true meaning of the Dark Side.
Amaya opened her eyes and inhaled sharply.
"What is it?" Ben asked, the smile slipping from his face.
"Let's go inside." Amaya said, struggling to her feet. Around them, people were popping champagne bottles and starting up music. They were celebrating the end of the war and they had no idea how it had even happened. They had no idea it had been her.
Ben looked at her in concern. "Are you okay?"
She nodded. "I'm fine, I just-"
"Did it take a lot of energy?" Ben asked.
Amaya looked at him, wishing she could say yes. But it hadn't. The truth was, it had been easy. And that scared her more than anything.
You will be the greatest threat the galaxy has ever known.
"Can we just go inside, please?" Amaya asked, pulling on his hand.
Ben's eyes clouded with worry but he followed her inside, not letting go of her hand. They slipped away from the party and Amaya let out a sigh of relief when the door closed behind them and they found themselves alone in the quiet corridor.
"Now tell me what's wrong." Ben said and Amaya opened her mouth to respond when the door opened and Leia entered, closely followed by Han.
"Way to go Amaya!" Han cried, and Amaya tried and failed to force a smile onto her face.
"Not so loud!" Leia shushed him, looking around the empty hallway.
"What?" Han asked, confused.
"Don't be dense, Han, no one can know it was her that destroyed the Supremacy." Leia hissed. "It'll put a permanent target on her back."
"What are you going to tell them?" Amaya asked, glancing towards the doors that led back out towards the Resistance party.
"That we have no idea how the Supremacy was destroyed." Leia said, and Amaya took a deep breathe, trying to calm herself.
"Speaking of which, we need to have a meeting with the other Resistance bases." Leia said.
"Now!?" Ben asked.
"Yes, now." Leia said, glancing at Amaya. "The moment the other First Order ships discover what happened to the Supremacy they could retaliate."
"They won't. Snoke is gone and their flagship is in pieces." Ben said, and his mother shot him a stern look.
"Never make assumptions." Leia chided.
"Well if they threaten anything Amaya can just-"
"I'm not destroying any more ships." Amaya interjected and all three of them looked at her. "The war is over. There's no way they can win. I'm not killing anyone else. I'm done."
Leia nodded. "No one is asking you to." She said. "Still, we owe it to the galaxy to continue the fight if the First Order doesn't surrender."
The door opened up then, the sound of music and cheering filling the hallway for a moment, as Hennix and Voe entered. Amaya looked up, seeing Voe open her mouth to speak and then close it again, her whole body tensing.
She stared at Ben and Amaya felt Ben turn to stone beside her, unconsciously tightening his grip on her hand. Voe's eyes dropped to their interlocked hands and then rose to meet Amaya's eyes. Amaya could sense her emotions through the Force. Fear, anger, and...betrayal.
"So that's it then?" Voe asked, her voice wavering. "He's just welcomed back with open arms?"
Amaya bit the inside of her lip. She was afraid and hurt. Amaya couldn't blame her for that.
"He tried to kill me!" Voe cried, when no one answered. "Doesn't anyone care!?"
"I care." Ben said, and Voe looked at him with a look of pure outrage.
"Don't." She snapped, shaking her head ever so slightly. "Don't you dare apologize. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see you. I don't want to be anywhere near you ever again. Do you understand?"
Ben clenched his jaw but made no reply and Amaya tried desperately to figure out if it was better to speak or stay silent. But what could she say? What could any of them say?
"And if all of you want him around..." Voe said, looking between Amaya, Leia, and Han. "Then I'll leave." She snapped, turning on her heel and pushing open the doors. She stormed out into the crowd beyond, a heavy silence left behind.
Hennix hesitated a moment, looking deeply uncomfortable, and then bit his lip and nodded before turning to follow Voe out. The door closed behind him and the corridor fell silent.
"I'm going to apologize." Ben said, pulling his hand out of Amaya's and marching towards the door.
"Ben, don't, just let her go-" Amaya tried, but Ben was already walking outside.
Amaya followed him through the crowd, groaning in frustration every time someone blocked her way. When she made it out of the celebration, she saw Ben walking towards Voe and Hennix, who were preparing a ship for departure.
"I don't care if you don't want to hear it, I'm sorry." Ben called out as he approached.
Hennix looked up grimly but Voe pretended not to hear him, throwing a bag into the ship with a stony expression.
"And you don't have to leave because I'm going to leave." Ben said, and Amaya grabbed his arm.
"Ben-" She protested but he shook his head.
"I'm going back to Chandrila." He said to her. "The war is as good as over anyway. You won't have to see me anymore."
Voe slammed the door of the ship and then turned to look at him at last. "You don't get it, do you?" She snapped, viciously. "You don't see how lucky you are. All our lives, I've watched you sulk and pout and complain about everything. Poor Ben Solo, his family is too famous, too successful...what a tragedy." She sneered.
Amaya could tell that Ben was fighting not to snap back at her for this but he stayed silent, his fists clenched.
"You've spent your whole life unhappy when you had everything." She continued. "Did you really think your family didn't care about you!? You're an idiot, Ben! Look around you! You went and messed up more than I even thought possible and still everyone just forgives you!"
Voe shook her head. "I thought that after everything, you might finally face some kind of justice. But no." She sneered. "Ben Solo is special and that means he gets unlimited chances."
"I'm not special." Ben ground out.
"You know if anyone else pulled the stuff you have, they'd be in jail or worse?" Voe snarled. "Instead, you walk free. Never having to face the consequences of your actions."
"I am facing the consequences." Ben said, and Amaya could sense his fury rising dangerously. She needed to de-escalate this quickly. "My best friend is dead. All those children are dead-"
"Exactly." Voe seethed. "They are gone but you're still here. You still have a future but they don't. How is that fair?"
"I would change places with them in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't!" Ben cried. "You think it's easy knowing I caused their deaths? Every time I close my eyes I see them. I can't sleep-"
"Oh you poor thing." Voe interrupted mockingly. "Is it hard having a conscience?"
"Voe that's not what I-"
"You should feel guilty Ben!" Voe snapped.
Ben clenched his jaw, clearly struggling to keep his fury under control. There was still far too much Darkness in him. He was reaching dangerous levels and if he didn't back out of this situation soon, he was going to lose control again.
"Look, let's all just-" Amaya tried, when Voe rounded on her.
"And you." She snapped, glaring at her. "Where's your sense of justice? Are you really willing to overlook everything he's done? You really want to be with someone like him?"
Amaya felt her these words spark her own anger. "No, I'm not going to overlook everything. I'm still angry with him and there are things I...can't just forgive." She kept her eyes glued on Voe, trying to ignore the broken look Ben was giving her.
"But we are more than our mistakes." She said. "More than our worst choices."
"I didn't ask for a philosophical speech." Voe snapped.
"No one's asking you to forgive him." Amaya said. "And no one is going to forget what he did to you."
Voe swallowed, the storm in the Force around her calming ever so slightly. "You don't have to leave." Amaya said, shaking her head. "Ben and I will go to Chandrila. We'll figure things out from there."
Voe looked at Ben. "You don't deserve her."
"That's not true." Amaya snapped at the same time as Ben said, "I know."
Voe looked back at Amaya. "It's your life. I won't tell you what to do. Just don't be surprised if he breaks your heart again." She snapped, turning on her heel. She climbed into the ship, slamming the door behind her.
Hennix looked at them uncertainly, biting his lip.
"I'm sorry for injuring you that day at the Temple." Ben said. "I didn't mean to..."
Hennix nodded. "I hope you...figure things out." He said, averting his eyes, before quickly moving to follow Voe into the ship. The door closed behind him, and, a moment later, the engine started up. Amaya grabbed Ben's hand, pulling him back away from the ship as it took off.
Ben watched the ship depart, all the relief he had felt at Snoke's death forgotten. Had he really thought it would be that easy? Whatever poison Snoke had fed him all his life was now a part of him and would continue to exist whether Snoke was dead or alive. He still felt out of control. He still wanted to destroy himself and he was still stuck with the inescapable reality that he had betrayed everyone who had ever cared about him.
"Let's go inside." Amaya said, puling on his arm.
He looked at her, Voe's words echoing through his mind. He didn't need to be told he didn't deserve her. He knew he didn't.
Ben felt the urge to flee rise up within him, panic gripping him. He couldn't do this. His father had made a bad bet by bringing him home. Odds were he was just going to hurt people again.
"Hey." Amaya said, stepping in front of him. "Don't spiral."
"Why do you want me to stay if you can't even forgive me?" Ben asked, his desperation turning to frustration. He pulled away from her, wanting to run away.
Amaya's eyebrows furrowed. "It hasn't even been a day." She said. "Give it time. I will forgive you, I just need...time."
Ben turned away, looking around the hangar bay for a ship. It wasn't too late to disappear. The First Order was gone. Amaya was safe. He'd accomplished what he'd come to do or, rather, Amaya had saved herself all by herself. She had never needed his help and she certainly didn't need his chaos.
"But none of that changes how I feel about you." Amaya continued, and Ben looked back at her.
"Voe was right." He snapped. "I'm only going to break your heart again."
Amaya opened her mouth to respond and then shut it again. She let out a sigh and then walked over to the nearest ship and opened the door. She looked back at him, an eyebrow raised.
"I can feel you wanting to run away, so let's run away." She said.
Ben looked at her in confused irritation. Was this some kind of joke?
"Get in." Amaya said, climbing into the ship without a backward glance. She closed the door and Ben stared at the ship, trying to figure out what in the Force she was doing.
Amaya started the engine and Ben frowned. She wasn't really going to leave, was she?
He walked over to the other side of the ship and opened the door, looking up at her. "What are you doing, Amaya?" He asked.
"I'm going to leave without you unless you get in immediately." She warned.
Ben raised an eyebrow, hesitating a moment before climbing into the ship next to her. He realized she had intentionally left him the pilot's seat and taken the co-pilot seat for herself.
"Let's go." She said, nodding at the control panel.
"Where?" Ben asked.
"Anywhere." Amaya said, with a shrug.
Ben frowned. "What are we doing?"
"Just start the ship Ben." Amaya said, leaning back in her seat.
Ben stared at her in bewilderment for a moment and then did as she instructed and pulled them up above the Resistance camp. Below them, the party was still raging, the music audible from high above. As they soared higher and higher, the remains of the Supremacy came into view on the planet below. By the time they left the atmosphere, Ben felt the tension in his chest begin to loosen and the panic begin to subside.
He looked at Amaya and she smiled back at him. "Where now?" She asked.
Ben looked at the map, suddenly excited by the sheer universe of possibilities. They had no destination. He didn't even understand why they were on this ship. But it didn't matter. They could go wherever they wanted.
"Why are we doing this, Amaya?" Ben asked, having a feeling he already knew.
"Luke's way never worked." She said, turning to look at him. "You can't suppress the Darkness. You have to learn how to manage it. If you feel the urge to run away, don't fight it, just...go for a ride. Take a ship and go somewhere until you feel better and then come back."
"What if I never come back?" Ben asked.
Amaya shook her head. "You'll come back." She said.
"How can you be so sure?" He asked.
"Because you already did come back, against all odds." Amaya said. "You did it once, you can do it again. You can do it as many times as you need to."
Ben looked at the stars, the weight of the future feeling heavy once more. How many more times would he feel the urge to flee? How many more times would he lose control of his emotions and hurt someone? He knew the Darkness was there for the long term but he felt overwhelmed just thinking about the prospect of dealing with it for the rest of his life.
"I felt the urge to attack Voe again right after I'd just apologized to her..." Ben admitted, the thought making him feel sick. What good was his apology if he couldn't change his behavior.
"I know." Amaya said. "We need to figure out coping mechanisms for when you feel that way."
"I don't think I can stop myself at a certain point." Ben said. "It's like I explode and I lose control of the Force."
Amaya nodded. "So we just have to stop you from reaching that point."
"You say that as if it were easy." Ben said, rolling his eyes. "I have been trying to stop myself from reaching that point all my life."
"By suppressing how you feel, not by dealing with it." Amaya said. "Don't shut out the Darkness."
"I haven't been." Ben replied. "Not since the Temple."
"No, but you've been trying to shut out the Light." Amaya said. "You need both."
"So you keep saying." Ben said, with a small smile.
"Just try." Amaya said, and Ben laughed.
"Alright." He said. "I'll try."
Amaya smiled then and the sight loosened the rest of the tension in Ben's chest. She leaned over and kissed him quickly, the sensation creating butterflies in his stomach.
He didn't know what came next or whether Amaya's strategies were going to work any better than Luke's had but he had nothing to lose by trying. There was no First Order to go back to and disappearing into the furthest reaches of the galaxy would be an empty existence. He didn't have to be a Jedi but maybe he could have a chance at a normal life.
When Amaya pulled back, her eyes clouded over and Ben frowned.
"What is it?" He asked, and Amaya looked at him.
"I killed 2 million people." She breathed, the words seeming to cause her physical pain.
"Amaya, they were going to invade your home and kill your family." Ben said, shaking his head. "They would have wiped out the entire Resistance base-"
"On Snoke's orders." Amaya said. "Because if they didn't, they'd be executed for desertion."
"They chose to join the First Order-"
"Did they?" Amaya asked, her voice breaking. Ben stared at her, unable to comprehend why this was tearing her up so much.
"Amaya, this is war." He said. "People die in war, that doesn't make you a murderer-"
"Why not!?" She asked, suddenly agitated. "What is it about war that suddenly makes it okay to kill people?"
"Because if you don't, they will kill you." Ben replied. "And you didn't start this war. You didn't ask for this. Snoke started this war. He was the aggressor here. You were just acting in self-defense."
Amaya swallowed, looking away.
"Skywalker blew up the Death Star which had just as many people on it." Ben said. "And he was celebrated as a war hero."
"Yes because people never think about the fact that the enemy is made up of real people." Amaya snapped. "It's easier if they can forget that uncomfortable fact."
"You saved more lives than you took." Ben insisted, putting a hand on her hand. "You ended a war before it had really had the chance to begin. It would have gotten...so much worse."
Amaya looked back at him. "I never would have let you become the person Luke saw." She said, and Ben felt a shiver run down his spine at the look in her eyes. "I would have destroyed the entire First Order before I let that happen."
"You did." Ben said.
"No, you came back before it came to that." Amaya said. "You made the decision yourself."
Ben frowned, a horrible realization dawning. "If I hadn't come back. If I'd been on the Supremacy-"
"I was going to wait until you were off of it." Amaya said quickly. "I knew you were scheduled to go to Ilfain and I was going to wait until you left for the planet before destroying the ship."
Ben felt a wave of relief crash over him. "I wouldn't have blamed you if you had destroyed it while I was on it-"
"Ben, no." Amaya said, grabbing his hand. "Stop. I would never have hurt you."
"Even though I was on my way to kill your father?" Ben asked, and Amaya let go of his hand, looking tormented.
Ben bit his lip, wishing he had just kept his mouth shut, and leaned back in his seat.
"I'm scared of the Dark." She said, after a moment. "Of what it can do to a person."
Ben looked at her. "You should be."
She shook her head. "I was never afraid before. But now I've seen too much of what people are capable of. I've seen what I'm capable of..."
"You have better control over the Dark Side than anyone I've ever met." Ben said, but Amaya shook her head.
"I ended the war in a second." She said. "I could do anything. I could topple Alfazine's ruling regimes and install my own. I could expand the New Republic's reach across the entire galaxy. I could control the galaxy if I wanted to."
Ben shivered, the implications of what she was saying sinking in. "It's a slippery slope to total ruin." Amaya said. "If I don't draw a line somewhere I could end up far worse than Snoke ever was. I could take away all the freedom the Resistance is fighting for and make the mistake of thinking I was controlling people for their own good. Bringing order to a chaotic and messed up universe."
"You're nothing like Snoke." Ben said. "If that's what you're worried about-"
"I am like Snoke though." Amaya said. "In some ways. I can understand the temptation to just...reach out your will and shape the world to your liking. To just fix everything."
"Snoke didn't want to fix everything." Ben said. "He wanted to control everything."
"There isn't really any difference." Amaya said, with a sigh. "The only way you could fix all the problems in the galaxy is through absolute control."
Ben looked at her, struggling to find the flaw in her logic. There was one, wasn't there? Amaya wasn't like Snoke. Snoke had manipulated him his entire life, influenced his thoughts, shaped the person he'd become...
"That's why I have to draw some kind of a line in the sand." Amaya continued. "I can't do what I did today again. Not unless I have no other choice."
"You're going to limit yourself?" Ben asked, frowning.
"I'm going to stop using Jedi Mind tricks." She said. "No more overcoming other peoples' will. If I really want this galaxy to be free, I'm going to have to let people make their own mistakes."
Ben cringed as he remembered their last conversation before he'd left the Supremacy. Hadn't she said something similar to him then? That she had to let him make his own decisions even if she didn't like them? In the end, she hadn't accepted his decisions. She had planned to destroy the Supremacy and put an end to it all.
"And if their mistakes hurt the people you love?" Ben asked. "Are you really going to let them do that?"
Amaya sighed, and Ben could feel through the Force how trapped she felt. That, if nothing else, he could relate to. The inescapable pull towards giving in to your worst impulses. The impossible attraction of the Dark Side.
"No." She said at last, leaning back in her chair. "No, I'm not going to lie. I won't let them do that."
"Then where is the line?" Ben asked, and Amaya met his eyes, the answer hanging in the air between them.
There was no line. There couldn't be. The Light and the Dark could not be separated. It was not possible to use the Light without the Dark slipping in and it was foolish to believe otherwise.
"Just don't shut out one side of the Force." Ben said, the irony of him giving her this advice making him smile despite himself. "And you won't need a line."