A/N: In 1978, a short fan-film called "Hardware Wars" came out that was a hilarious parody of Star Wars and was incredibly low-budget as one of the first video tributes to A New Hope (although it wasn't subtitled that yet). In that vein, I present the low-budget (and mercifully short) sequel. Don't blame me - most of the character names were already made up in the original parody that was done in the style of a movie trailer that essentially gave away all the plot. This follows in the same format. You won't appreciate it as much if you haven't watched the 12-minute "Hardware Wars" first, available on YouTube.

Hardware Wars II: The Warranty Strikes Back

Chapter 5.21.80

(Impressive opening scroll)

Blah blah blah - we know that the rebels are just too low budget to be able to fight against the resources of the Appliance Empire. How long did you think they'd get away with it? Not long! Faster than you can say 'we need a sequel ASAP' our heroes find themselves in hot water – that's great if you're a teabag or instant coffee, not so good if you live and breathe. And for the record, our rebels aren't frozen either. Yet. We'll get to that later. But I digress.

Our group of ragtag rebels took on the mighty Empire and won against incredible odds. Stinging from the destruction of the waffle iron/death star, the empire has been searching for traces of the rebels in the years since their loss. The power to turn a planet into a tasty breakfast food is insignificant compared to the power of the force, but getting a jolt of 110v is nothing to sneeze at either.

Now just imagine these words you are reading are scrolling up the screen with an amazing starfield behind it instead of holes poked into backlit black paper, while soaring music plays to prepare you for a masterpiece of storytelling. But that's in another theater in another town, so don't get your hopes up. Ignore the person beside you who has to whisper to himself and move his lips just to keep up with the words moving up the screen. Eat some of that overpriced popcorn and spill your drink, it's time for the show …

(Impressive announcing voice) We join our intrepid ... well, stoic then ... no, that's not the word ... our seemingly cursed cast of rebels as they continue in their desperate fight against the Empire; a struggle so huge it will take at least a dozen movies, spinoffs and ripoffs just to extract your very last dollar from your wallet. See them help launch a whole new line of toys and merchandise ...

"Why is it so cold here on Hock?" Fluke Skybucker whined to no one in particular, although Princess Anne-Droid was the only one standing immediately beside him in the underground rebel command center.

"Fluke, you know as well as I do that after the planet Hock got its furnace back from the pawn shop it hasn't worked right," she told him after rolling her eyes. She pulled a tissue out of her newly designed jacket available in the foyer and handed it to him. "Now dry your tears before they freeze on your face."

"But why don't we just get the furnace fixed? It's still under warranty."

"Because the Empire has no love for returned products," his best friend Ham Salad said as he entered the room. "They got your credits already – what do they care? Caveat emptor fraudavit."

"What does that mean?"

"Buy it and your hosed," the princess translated. "But good luck finding anyone else selling appliances, or willing to repair them while being forced to use 'official Empire product' replacement parts. Besides, it's not like we could fill out the warranty registration card on the furnace. If we did that then the Empire would know where we are for sure."

"Uh oh," Fluke said as he remembered mailing off the card several months ago.

"Star damagers coming into range now," a nameless tech named Frank announced. He could see several electric carving knives on the radar screen.

"Oh great! We gotta get out of here," Ham said in a sudden hurry. "We need to distract them somehow."

"I know," said Frank as he cut into the Empire's communication circuit. "Hey, what's that over there behind you on Jorvic?" he said before cutting off the mic. "They'll be looking over in the direction of the other planet for a few minutes – get going while you can."

"Fine. I'll take the princess. She complains just as much as you, Fluke, but she's easier on the eyes." Ham reached over to a radio com. "Chewie, quit eating those Frig Newtons, unplug the Iron Falcon and let's get out of here. Quit complaining, I know the steam function doesn't work. Fluke, I'll meet you later after we have separate adventures to keep the audience interested."

Watch the exciting escape sequence as all the ships get away without getting hit.

"Pew pew!" the fire control officer yelled, but his silly string just missed a transport shaped like a microwave oven and another that looked like a George Foreman grill. Shortly afterward he began choking and fell over dead.

"Your sound effects disappoint me," Darph Nader said. Between movies his mask had a hole cut in it so his speech could be understood better. "However, your choking sounds were satisfyingly realistic." He watched the rebel ships successfully fleeing, including the flying iron of Ham Salad. "We will meet again. I've read the script."

Thrill as we introduce more characters destined to become action figures…

"Where are we?" Anne-Droid asked. "I thought the inside of that asteroid was a dump, but this place looks worse than a farm during the Oklahoma dustbowl."

Ham brought the iron in closer to a giant Hoover vacuum. "It's the cloud city of Vespa. They mine lithium out of the atmosphere for use in electric scooter batteries that catch fire and explode. Don't worry, I have a friend here. Well, really more of an acquaintance anyway. Okay, so I can barely remember his name. But the Falcon needs to get her steamer repaired or we'll never be able to lose pursuers again and this place just happens to have a repair shop the Empire doesn't know about. Look, there's … er … the guy I know, coming over now."

A dark figure in a stylish cape strolled up on the landing pad. "You got that twenty credits you owe me?" he asked. He reached up and pulled his cowl back before smiling. "How you doin' Chewchilla?"

Chewie stopped munching on Oh-we-oh's long enough to say hello, spewing crumbs in the process.

"My friends, this is Lander Batrissian," Ham said as he introduced the new arrival. "Lander, this is Princess Anne-Droid."

"Charmed," Lander said as he eyeballed the princess.

"Yes, I am," Anne replied with a mischievous grin while trying to estimate his net worth and stamina. The three walked back to the entrance while 4-Q-2 was left to wonder why he hadn't been mentioned yet in the story.

Meanwhile, not in the Halls of Justice but in fact someplace stinkier where it's almost impossible to get a good shower, Fluke is wondering why the ghost of Augie Ben Doggie has sent him to train with the Jedi Master and sheepherder Toga on the planet Degobaaaaa.

"Master Toga, I was told you have great understanding of the force. But if you're a sheepherder, where are all your sheep?" Fluke asked.

"A giant swamp Degobaaaaa is. Sink they did," he replied as he took another swig from a bottle. His Roman-style frock had the symbols Delta Tau Chi on it. "Trees sheep do not climb."

"Are you sure you're a Jedi master? Maybe there's another Toga around here somewhere." Fluke looked around the swamp but saw nothing but trees, water, and an alligator hunter in a skiff. Off to one side, Artie-Deco was fishing for mutton.

"A great master I was, until kicked out of academy for too much party time they did. Party!" he said as he took another drink. "But being expelled from the academy doesn't mean that I don't have much to teach you. The road of being a Jedi master is a lifelong journey, not unlike having to constantly update your computer's operating system. Stay and learn all that you can – or at least until I take my two weeks vacation later this year."

"Why are you talking so normally now?"

"Normal? I always talk like this when I've had too much to drink. Can't you tell the way all my words are in the wrong order?"

"Sounds perfect to me."

"Huh."

Watch as Ham, Anne-Droid and Chewchilla are betrayed back at Vespa …

"The Empire practically has a stranglehold on all the spare parts to fix any appliance in the galaxy," Lander said as they were walking along a corridor. "I'll see what I can do so you can fix up the Falcon. I can tell by your clothes the steam function doesn't work."

Ham looked at his clothes. "Are you saying I'm scruffy looking?"

"No, just wrinkled. But I've made an arrangement that should get me plenty of spare parts," Lander said as they came to a door. "I know you're PRESSED for time."

Ham scowled while Anne giggled at the pun. The door opened to reveal Darph Nader inside.

"Oh crap," Ham said. "He killed the Corvair and now he's gonna kill us."

"Won't you join us," Nader said. "I want to discuss your carbon footprint."

Cheer Fluke on as he forsakes getting his bachelor's degree to go see his friends …

"I have to leave, Toga. My friends need me. I can pick up some credits online with an extension course," Fluke pleaded.

"Fluke, leave now and I will have to give you an 'F' on the final exam. You'll might get killed, or worse end up on academic double secret probation. You haven't even fixed the garbage compactor like you promised," Toga said as he glanced at the pile of trash building up behind his hut.

"I'll come back, I promise, or my name isn't Sam Griswald." Fluke climbed into his electric razor and started up the motor.

"Be sure to write!" Toga called out as Fluke waved goodbye. He sat on a log and brooded.

"He probably won't even send a Christmas card," the ghost of Augie Ben Doggie said after appearing beside him.

"There is another holiday," Toga mused. "In the meantime, shut up - you're dead."

Avoid sitting in gum by just using the edge of your seat during the exciting final minutes of the film …

"Oh my darling, I love you," Anne said to the slab that had been her favorite rogue, pilot and scruffy guy.

"Don't worry, princess. Now that I've finally gotten a line to speak, I can tell you he's perfectly preserved. Everyone knows you can safely thaw out Ham as long as it doesn't sit out too long before carbon freezing," 4-Q-2 said matter-of-factly.

"He's not going anywhere," Darph announced. "The Empire is expanding its services. We will now be selling furniture, beginning with the Ham Salad coffee table model. I already have a buyer named Java Hut that will accept delivery immediately. In the meantime, I'm working on a new model to prove my first attempt isn't a fluke. In the meantime, this bounty hunter I've hired named Bubble Feet will deliver him personally."

"I ought to kill you for that fluke pun," Lander said, "but then again I've already got Ham's grieving girlfriend to consol so I'm going to be busy for awhile. Later, Nader."

"What are we going to do?" Anne asked as they walked away.

Lander whispered quietly. "If I let Ham die I'll never get that twenty credits back. I'm going to order the evacuation of the city and we'll try to stop them from taking my friend away." He looked out the window just in time to see Bubble's small air-fryer take off. "Missed it by 'that' much. Come on Chewchilla, let's go." Chewie, who had been shaking a vending machine trying to get a package of Chips O'boy to drop, gave up and followed along.

Fluke landed and sought out Nader until the two finally met. They both whipped out flashlights and started beaming each other. "Impressive," Nader said after seeing the size of Flukes flashlight. "I see you've got the model with the six batteries."

"I may have started with a penlight, but I've been learning from the best," Fluke bragged as they fought. As an added trick he showed his had the emergency strobe function too.

"Oh, you've been taught by Master Swoine?" Nader said as he lunged.

Fluke parried – barely – and backed up. "Okay, second-best then."

"Oh, you mean Master U'Weebu then."

"Um … third best?"

"Not Toga; he's got to be dead by now," Nader said as he paused.

"Not yet – maybe in the next movie. But yup, it was him. I got my associate's degree, and I'm gonna work on my bachelor's after I take you out," Fluke boasted.

"Why don't I take you out instead?" Nader said and slid a shipping box in front of Fluke. Skybucker tripped over the box and fell out the nearest window onto a bridge. Nader followed him out but used a doorway because the special effects budget couldn't afford anything else. "We should end this conflict. Together, we can monopolize the entire industry and wipe out all the independent repair shops and small garage-based businesses. No one will ever get their appliances repaired again! Then we can use the electrician's union and overthrow the emperor. He's already foreseen this, but he thought it was just a nightmare after eating spicy food."

"That's impossible!" Fluke said as he backed out onto a ledge. "I'll never go into the appliance business. Besides, there are many good antacids available on the market."

"Fluke, search your feelings. You're a natural salesman. Hidden fees, fine print, and phone calls that never get returned – you can do it, just like your father did. Just like me."

"What does that mean?" Fluke asked, his mind becoming even more numb than normal.

"Really? You can't figure it out?" Nader spun around, almost beside himself. "My son the dummy. I swear, you have got to be the dumbest kid around – it's a good thing you don't have any more brothers or sisters that I know of or else I'd be the one ready to jump."

"You mean … you mean …" Fluke stuttered, terror and despair racing to see which would take control of him. It was a tie. "I'm going to be a salesman?"

"It … is … your … destiny."

"That's it. I'm offing myself," Fluke said and let go before falling into a giant duct which fortunately wasn't a sewer. As luck would have it, it was an exhaust duct for a clothes dryer and the pipe did lead him outside in time to hitchhike home with the Falcon, which was considerably better than falling into the clouds below to eventually be crushed and asphyxiated - although not necessarily in that order. He was covered in lint, but he was alive.

They were pursued by several hand mixers, but with a burst of steam from the repaired systems the Iron was able to escape and set up the next movie.

Order your tickets now! Stand in line for days! Prove that you don't have a life! Watch the movie and then tell all your friends how it comes out, because it won't matter - you'll have to wait two more years for the next movie to finish it all off! Hardware Wars II: The Warranty Strikes Back, now in a theater near you. No, the other one, the one with the sticky floors and where your car will be stripped during the movie.

The End

A/N: The original parody is in the public domain now; it can be found on YT as well as a few other video formats. But this was LONG before so many fans started making their own tributes, spoofs and compilations that are so commonplace today. AND it's a lot shorter than the "Holiday Special".