Chapter 25: He loves me, he loves me not?
"Hello? Earth to Rory, focus, please!" Paris said firmly when she saw that Rory once again zoned out.
"What?" Rory asked, confused. "Oh, right, sorry."
"Rory, you know this friendship works only when we are on the same intellectual level. I need someone who can challenge me. And right now I think it would be easier to work with Brad - and he's the idiot who abandoned school for Broadway." Paris rolled her eyes at the thought. "I need you to focus, Rory. I know it's been a hard week for you, but the debate is on Monday and we HAVE to win." Luke, who only half listened to their conversation, while making them dinner, decided to chime in.
"Hey, Paris, could you maybe just try to be a little more understanding here? Rory had just broken up with her boyfriend, only a week ago."
"This is me being understanding, Luke. I would never be as gentle to anyone else in the same situation."
"Gentle?" Luke questioned.
"Sure. If I wasn't being gentle I might have told her that she was only with Dean for 3 months and statistically speaking most high school relationships don't last anyway. I could've also told her that she at least had a boyfriend who could dump her." Paris, of course, always talked like she had no filter. "So trust me, this is me being nice. You wouldn't want to see me actually angry."
"You're right about that." Even now, Paris was the only teenager who could ever actually scare him. And if this was her nice version, he didn't want to see the worst of her. "But maybe you can take a break, anyway. The food is almost ready, you can go back to discussing the debate after you eat."
"Yes, that's a good idea. Thanks, dad." Rory said, grateful. The truth was, that she couldn't really focus on anything for the past week. She found it hard to make it past any lesson and she had to rely on Paris' notes. But everyone wrongly assumed that all of that was caused by her recent breakup. When in fact she spent the entire last week thinking about Logan.
The dinner and the study session with Paris went by in a blur. She just let Paris take a lead in debate planning and agreed to all of her ideas. When Paris went home, it was almost 7 PM but her mom still wasn't at home. She needed to talk to someone, fast.
After she and Logan almost kissed, their entire weekend was kind of awkward and it seemed like both of them tried their hardest to avoid being alone together. On Monday morning Rory decided that enough is enough. They needed to discuss what happened. But when she got to school, Logan was nowhere to be found. As she learned from his friends, he was sick and wouldn't be at school for the whole week. So she spent this entire week trying to decide what she should do. But it was now Friday and she still had no answers. Even Jess wasn't at home, because he was out with some of his school friends.
"Rory, honey, I know it hurts, but you need to let it go. You barely ate your dinner, you walk around like a zombie. I worry about you." Luke said when he walked to the living room and found Rory looking at the TV, which wasn't even turned on. "I know I was weirded out about it at first, but if you need somebody to talk to, I'm here. Believe it or not, I've gone through a break-up before. I know what it feels like."
"Actually, I wanted to wait for mom to talk to her. It kind of requires girl talk. But I guess if you're offering.."
"I'm offering." He said quickly. He couldn't handle seeing her so hurt.
"Okay. Just promise you won't be mad. At me, at Dean or at anyone else."
"I promise."
"I didn't want to talk to you about how Dean and I broke up, but mostly I didn't want to tell you about what happened after. So, don't freak out, but on our 3-month anniversary Dean told me that he loved me. But I didn't say it back. I couldn't because I definitely wasn't there yet. So I came home, upset. And Logan was here. I told him what happened, he tried to comfort me. He told me that Dean shouldn't get mad at me for not feeling the same way." She stopped to take a deep breath. She was at the point of the story, which she was most afraid to tell her dad.
"Logan was right. You can't make someone love you." Luke agreed. He promised he wouldn't get mad, but he honestly got a little angry at Dean. How could he break up with Rory, just because she didn't tell him she loved him?
"Yep, that's what Logan said also. But I was still upset and I told him that I was worried. Maybe Dean was the one and I ruined everything. And that maybe no other guy would ever want me. So Logan started listing all those things that he thought was great about me. He was really nice. And then he told me that I was beautiful, he was looking at me with a smile and I felt something. Kind of warm and it was a very good feeling. And we almost kissed. But then Jess and Lane came back home. And that's basically it. We haven't had a chance to talk alone since then." She finished her story. She was blushing deeply, very aware that she was speaking to her dad, who almost got a heart attack when she started dating Dean. And here she was, telling him that she maybe, kind of had feelings for another guy. A guy who wasn't a stranger, but somebody who looked at Luke as his father figure for over a decade now. Luke sat next to Rory, quiet for a very long minute. But he knew what he promised. No matter what he wouldn't get mad.
"Well, I can't say I'm entirely surprised. I knew it was coming." He sighed.
"What?"
"Logan had feelings for you for quite some time now. I figured it out a long time ago." He admitted.
"He did?" Rory asked, shocked. "Why haven't you told me anything? Why hasn't he told me anything?"
"I haven't told you, because I decided that it's not my place. As for Logan, I can only guess, but I'm pretty sure that he was simply scared."
"Oh, man. This is such a mess. What should I do now, dad?"
"Rory, I can't tell you how you feel. Only you can know it. But let me ask you this - this past week, were you in such a bad mood because of Dean or because of Logan?"
"Well, I have been feeling pretty bad about this whole Dean situation. He may have acted badly, but the bottom line is he loves me and I don't love him. So I broke his heart, and I never meant to do that. But if I'm being honest, I've been too busy worrying about what to do about Logan to actually think about my break-up with Dean." She admitted.
"Then I think it's clear that you have feelings for Logan. And you should talk to him about it." He adviced her.
"But, dad, what would I even say? He's been my best friend for over 10 years. What if you're wrong and he doesn't feel the same way? What if I ruin everything and lose him? And even if he does feel the same way, there's no guarantee that it'll ever work. You heard what Paris said. Statistically speaking, high school couples don't last. And then we'll end up hating each other."
"Rory. I'm gonna tell you something important and I want you to listen carefully. I know people always say that you're exactly like your mother. And you are very similar but you and me - we're also alike. And I love that. I love that you have my ears, and my smile. That you like to ramble the way I do. That you like watching football with me, even when your mom hates it. But there are some things that you got from me that I wish you didn't. You and me - we both worry way too much. And we're not so forward with our feelings. Because we get scared to expose ourselves too much. But your mother taught me a long time ago that it's okay to tell others how you feel. I wanted to be with your mom from the first day I met her. Deep down I knew that she was my one and only. But I was scared. She was my only friend at the new school, and I was worried that she didn't feel the same way and that I would ruin everything. So she had to be the brave one and she was the one who kissed me first. If she didn't I would probably never have the courage to do it, and we wouldn't have happened and then you wouldn't have happened. I would've had a totally different life, most probably a very lonely life. So she gave me everything with that first kiss. And something tells me that Logan is just as scared as I was. If he wasn't, he would say something to you a long time ago. So you need to be the brave one. You need to be like your mom and tell him how you feel." He said, firmly. Rory was stunned by his speech. She has never heard her dad talk so much in one sentence - it was more Lorelai kind of thing.
"Wow. Thank you, dad. Just to make sure I understand it correctly - you want me to go to Logan, tell him how I feel and get myself a new boyfriend?" She smiled, teasing him a little.
"Gee, when you put it like that it sounds bad. I just want you to be happy, Rory. Even if it means that I have to accept the fact that my little girl isn't so little anymore." She put her arms around him and hugged him tightly.
"Thanks, daddy. That means a lot. And I think you're right. I have to go talk to Logan. And I don't think I should put it off till Monday. Would it be okay if I borrow your car and drive to Hartford tonight?" She asked.
"Sure, hon. But don't be late, okay?"
"Okay." She got up from the couch to look for the car keys. "Do you really think it's gonna work out, dad?" She asked him one more time.
"I do. Our family has a good track record when it comes to high school relationships. We're better than Paris' statistics. But just warn Logan for me - he may be like family but if he ever hurts you, I will have to kill him." He said, honestly.
"I'll make sure he knows it." She promised.
Rory stood at the front door of Huntzberger mansion, feeling more nervous than ever before. She remembered when she first saw Logan's house, how huge and intimidating it seemed. And even after all those years it still never felt comfortable for her. She rarely visited Logan, it was usually the other way around, since he often was just looking for excuses to stay far away from his parents. He loved Stars Hollow, it was like his home. So Rory didn't really have many opportunities to get used to Huntzberger house. She felt stupid, standing there, freezing her ass off, but unable to move. What was she thinking? This whole idea was stupid. She already got back into the car numerous times, thinking about just driving back to Stars Hollow. But she didn't drive all this way for nothing. She thought about her dad's advice and she asked herself what would Lorelai Gilmore-Danes do?
"She wouldn't be a damn coward, that's for sure." She mumbled to herself quietly. "That's it, just go in, you stupid." She forced herself to ring a doorbell. No backing down now. She expected Logan or his parents to open the door, but she found herself face to face with one of her oldest friends, instead.
"Honor!" She exclaimed, happily. "What are you doing here? How's college life treating you?" Honor started UPenn in the fall, and Rory hadn't seen her since the beginning of the year, when she and Logan drove with her to Philly to help her with the move.
"Rory, hi. It's so good to see you." Honor hugged her. "UPenn is great. Only my dad still hates that I'm not in Yale. He has hopes for Logan, though. Philadelphia is awesome, it has a great vibe to it. And I met someone." She confessed, smiling widely.
"That's great, I'm so happy for you. Tell me everything."
"His name is Josh. He's a year older. He's mature and very gentlemanly. And he makes me laugh." Rory could clearly see in Honor's eyes how happy she was. And very much in love.
"I can't wait to meet him. He sounds like a real catch."
"But enough about me. I heard you have a boyfriend of your own. Logan mentioned something a while ago but didn't go much into details."
"Yeah, that didn't really work out." Rory admitted. "But now that you mentioned it, it reminds me that I actually came here for a reason. I have to talk to Logan."
"Sure, of course. He's in his room. But, please, come find me before you leave. We have a lot of catching up to do."
"You got it." Rory promised, but she felt anxious again. She had to do what she actually came here for. She stood at Logan's door and knocked lightly.
"Come in, Honor. You don't have to knock." Logan answered on the other side.
"My name's not Honor, but I hope I can also come in." Rory said shyly, stepping in.
"Rory, what are you doing here?" Logan asked, surprised.
"It's nice to see you too." She answered sarcastically.
"No, I mean, it's nice to see you. But it's 9 PM on a Friday night and you usually don't come to my house unannounced. Did something happen?" He, of course, had some idea what the reason for this visit could be. But he decided to play it as if he was clueless.
"First of all, I heard you were sick. But I guess you're all better now." She said, trying to point out his obvious lie. He looked great, it was obvious that he was trying to avoid her this week and that's why he wasn't at school.
"Yes, I guess it was one of these short infections." He said, feeling like an idiot. For both lying and getting caught. He decided that they should just cut to the chase. "Ace, listen - I think I know why you're here and you don't have to do it. It's cool, we're friends, we've always been friends and we'll always be friends. I stepped out of line and made things awkward for you but I promise it won't happen again. Please, don't let this one stupid thing ruin our friendship." He looked at her pleadingly. She was surprised at his words - it seemed that he thought he was the one who initiated that almost kiss and she was just an innocent bystander. Did he really can't tell that at that moment she wanted it too?
"I won't let this ruin our friendship." She promised. "But what if I don't want to forget about what happened?" She asked. "Logan, please, tell me the truth. For how long have you had feelings for me?" She looked at him questioningly and he knew he couldn't lie.
"A little over a year now. I guess around the time you started Chilton." He confessed.
"Over a year?" She was shocked. "That's way before Dean. Why haven't you said anything?"
"I couldn't. Rory, it's hard enough having one-sided feelings for your best friend, I could live with that. But if I told you anything and lost you in the process - that I wouldn't be able to handle."
"But you could have gained something too. Logan, I haven't really thought about you that way before. You were my best friend, always. But all I can say is that last week I felt something. Something I haven't even felt when I was with Dean. And I think it's worth trying. You and me - we can try." He looked at her, stunned. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. It seemed like his horrible one-sided crush wasn't so one-sided anymore. But he still hesitated.
"But what if we try and we fail?" He asked, scared.
"It could happen." She admitted. "But we'll never know until we try. Let's just promise each other that no matter what we'll always be friends first. And if it all goes south, we'll remain friends." She suggested.
"Okay, then. It's a deal." He reached out his hand to shake hers. She took his hand, looked him in the eyes, and decided to channel as much inner Lorelai as she could find in herself. With that she leaned towards Logan and kissed him. He was still hesitant at first, she could feel it, but soon he gave in. He spent numerous hours in the last year, wondering what it would be like to really kiss Rory. But none of the fantasies could even come close to the truth. It felt right, it felt like home. And she again felt this fuzzy, warm feeling in her stomach. A feeling which apparently only Logan could cause. It took a while before they broke apart, trying to take a breath.
"Wow." Logan just said simply.
"I know, right?" Rory added. She looked as if she was genuinely surprised that the best kiss of her life was always available, near her for the past 10 years. "I think we're gonna be fine. It's gonna work." She said, with a smile, feeling confident and hopeful.
"Yes, it will."
"Oh, just one more thing." Rory remembered something. "Fair warning from my dad - if you ever hurt me, he will have to kill you." She passed along Luke's message. Logan just smiled at that. As if he needed any extra motivation to do everything in his power to make Rory happy.