Big Jack Horner and The Map of Infinity

by Jet Solo

Big Jack Horner is no more...or is he! We thought we had truly seen the last of him after his defeat at the hands of Goldi, Puss, Kitty and Perrito but now, Big Jack Horner is on the BIGGEST hunt of his lifetime! When the Wishing Star grants him the Map of Infinity, any magical artifact he could ever ask for is within his grasp. What trials and tribulations will he have to face?

11. Chapter 11

Big Jack Horner: The BIG Finale (emphasis on BIG)

Chapter 11(?): Endgame, Part 1 (of 1)

By JetSolo

MEANWHILE, back to a time (get it?) when the plot mattered and was far more streamlined, we cut back to the present Jack Horner story already in progress.

"Huh? I'm relevant again in my own story? Novel new idea, writers!" Big Jack Horner said sarcastically and spitefully. Can't say I blame him though after the last chapter. "Now, what's the setting of our final climactic chapter again? I skipped whatever you wrote last time since it wasn't about me."

But then I, the author, had to inform Jack that I sloppily retconned his character into being a reincarnation of Jimmy Hopkins from Rockstar's Bully: Scholarship Edition, because I had that game on the brain lately. Needless to say, it didn't go over nearly as well as I planned, but then again, that would imply that I planned it out and we all know that isn't true.

"Eh, boring exposition, yada yada." Jack said. "Did I kill anyone at least or do something cool? On second thought, don't fill me in because it's more exciting if I kill indiscriminately without moral quandary!"

And he was right, for once. You came for a Big Jack Horner fanfic, and by jove, we intend to deliver on that!

So, we cut back to Big Jack Horner and Co. in front of what once was Hogwarts, now presently Duel Academy. "Whoa, writers! I know I said not to bore me with details, but this seems rather out of left field even for a story as devoid of logic as this one!"
I agree, Jack! I forgot that you haven't been introduced to the final boss of this story, which we only recently set up to be Seto Kaiba from the Yu-Gi-Oh franchise! Huh? Don't know who that is? Well, the important thing is that he's an eccentric, rich asshole with an ego as massive as you!

"I don't know, sounds like an upstanding fella to me." Jack thought to himself. "Then again, you mentioned money, so I suppose I could make a killing off of him…literally!"

And apparently, that's all he needed for motivation to kill a total stranger. The Jack is back alright, baby!

So with no further quest-

"Now HOLD the phone, asshole!" Ripto cut me off mid sentence. "I'm here to point out the numerous plot holes you created with the last chapter."

Yeah, what about that, dear reader? Well, no one has reviewed the last chapter, so allow me to address a few complaints I can't hear you typing right now.
"Wasn't Snape a separate character from Fumbles in earlier chapters?"

Yes, but because he time traveled in the past, it split his body. One before time traveling, and one after because one must always exist in the past and future simultaneously.

"But why did 'Snape's' motivation change between the beginning of the previous chapter and the end?"

Oh, that's an easy one. That was NERVERUS, Snape's brother. We introduced him a few chapters back.

"But wasn't he killed off?"

I don't know, I'm writing this almost 2 years since that installment. We'll say time travel and leave it at that.

"But why did they reincarn-"

WHAT'S THAT? NO MORE QUESTIONS? OKAY, MOVING ON!

So with EVERY possible inconsistency satisfactorily explained away, we can truly, finally, focus on the final battle. As Jack got himself armed and ready with his array of magical weapons, Mrs. Goodthought or whatever we named her, Fumbles, Snape and Ripto of course, were there at his side. And because I know somebody will point it out, yes, they're all on the same side for now until I write it otherwise.

"This is such bullshit!" Fumbles said, who was then reassimilated into Snape because he fulfilled his role in the story.

"Umm, oh right, I forgot that Jack Horner is my best friend, naturally." Said Snape 2.0. No, I'm not calling him that for the remainder of the story. "We gotta stop Duel Academy and return it back to Bullworth Academy!"

"Oh, wait, is that what we're here to do?" Ripto asked in earnest confusion. "I'm pretty sure the story is my quest to kill that rich cuck for kicking me out of Avalar so women will legally have to like me!"

The story then devolved to people bickering amongst themselves. I could write compelling dialogue, but they were too busy talking over each other for me to discern anything intelligible amidst their squabbling. Fortunately, I have Goodthought here to intercede for me!

"Okay, okay! That's enough, guys!" She said with the utmost authority. "Maybe we all had our own reasons for being here."

"Like stealing the Map of Infinity from the jolly fat man!" Ripto interrupted.

"...Yes, thank you for that, Ripto." She continued. "As I was saying, we can settle all that business later. For now, our foe is dead ahead and we need to take him out before he does the same to us. Is that good enough rationale for you?"

Works for me, said I, and so it was.

…Anything else? Any last minute detour I want to throw in before I decide to hunker down and get to the nitty gritty? Anyone? Speak now or forever be irrelevant! …Okay. We're good now, for real…I think.

So with our heroes(?) in lockstep with one another, they all geared up in an enticing montage sequence that I will now ask you to envision for yourselves! Some highlights include, but aren't limited to: Snape letting out his lavishly long, love locks, Ripto polishing his scepter with dragon hide (presumably made from Spyro's remains), Big Jack's big grin, and Goodthought…well, I'm sure she did something of note!

"It appears a big fight has been set up between me and everyone," said Kaiba after carefully assessing the situation. "Matsuba, that's how I'm spelling your name, who exactly will I be fighting?"

"Besides everyone?" Said Matserubah, which is how *I'm* spelling it. "I don't know. Ripto and Jack Horner. Does that sound good?"

"It does." Kaiba then took out his diamond is unbreakable diamond duel disc. "Get ready, losers! It's time to duel!"

"Fuck," Ripto fuck'd. "I still don't have one of those."

"You don't," said Jack Horner. "But I do!" Everyone looked to Jack in that moment in anticipation of a cool duel. However! Jack held up his smart phone, "I'll have one in two days with same day shipping thanks to Amazon Prime. Almost said Amazon Plus because I forgot what it was. Embarrassing, I know, given I own Amazon."

"Very well," Kaiba said, "in two days time, your ass will be grass. This gives me ample time to have a Blue Eyes blimp or something built for us to have the duel on top of."
And with that, this writer is retiring! Good thing we had a guest writer on standby to save the script, which is me, by the way, hi. We've met before, even though I've never introduced myself properly, but that's neither here nor there.

And so, dear viewer, I present to you, unedited:

The 2 Days of Peace Mini-Arc!

"Ah, clever, author." Big Jack said bigly. "Trying to use this time in order to reasonably build comradery between me and the rest of the cast?"

"From these daft assclowns?" Ripto rightly proclaimed. "Yeah right, I bet they just threw this in to inflate the word count!"

"Hey, whatever gets this handsome mug more screen time, I'm all for it." Jack Horner winked. "Besides, I think the reader deserves a nice break before the action."

"Oh yeah, because this chapter is just chock full of meaningful content, ain't it, pal?" Asked Mokuba, spelled correctly for a change. Just roll with it.

"You know, I won't hesitate to kill a child, even one as marketable as yourself." Big Jack Horner said whilst placing a gun to the temple of his head. "Now why did you tag along with us? What is it you even do that's useful or expedient to me?"

Mokuba explained, "Well, y'see, it's like this, right? My big brother Seto, he's not that bad once you get used to his dickish demeanor and disregard for human life!"

"Seriously, what a prick!" Ripto said, spoken like a true hypocrite. "I mean, really! We know we're all morally upstanding characters, as this portion of the story will clearly demonstrate. I'm definitely NOT foreshadowing that we'll do something reprehensible a few paragraphs from now!"

"Reprehensible, huh." Jack huh'd. "Didn't know you had it in ya, shrimp!"

"I'm brushing up on my vocabulary, so as to sound less one-note." Ripto explained while wearing his reading glasses to appear smarter than he was. "Snape is also my linguistics teacher."

"It's true." Snape clarified. "I do occasionally dabble in topics outside of being a perpetual incel and back in time potions."

"Wow, I didn't think his kind was capable of intelligence." Big Jack lamented. "I guess, maybe, we're not so different, you and I. Perhaps, in our own way, we're more similar than we thought."

"What the French toast are you all on about?!" Goodthought said, effectively ruining whatever forced sentimentality I was trying to eek out of the scene. "I know I was saying we should all put our differences aside to face a common enemy, but this is the most artificially induced scene I've ever seen these writers try to pass off as genuine! And my name is Goodthought for crying out loud!"

But since Goodthot was being nothing more than a buzz kill, our indelible, plucky heroes decided, "Eh, screw this broad! She's outlived her usefulness to me anyway. Say, you fellas wanna go to Mafia Land and dick around?" Said Jack already pregaming on magical elixirs.

"Sure, but first, you GOTTA introduce me to a woman. Like, one that lives and breathes and stuff." Snape insisted.

"You're a real freak, bud…I LOVE it!" Jack said, slurring his words and preemptively placing his arms around his new acquired friends shoulders, kind of like your creepy uncle when he hangs out with your high school friends…not that I would know anything about that.

Our zany, merry men spent many hours shooting the shit at the local bar, "Make Bar-lieve", which Jack owned. Sorry, I had a pun quota to meet. Heavily intoxicated on fairy-Ale, these hearty, cackling fools were having some hetero male-on-male bonding, the kind you see in fraternity hazing rituals. There were many laughs being had, mainly by Jack, because he was hitting the hard stuff more than his fellow constituents. They had to cheer Snape on because he was more shy when compared to the others. Ripto was so wasted that he even complimented Hunter who happened to be passing by, and he hates that guy! Huh? Why was Hunter there? You'll have to wait for another story I haven't thought of yet!

Dozens of gallons of liquid courage later, Snape worked up the nerve to approach a woman, I can't foresee this going badly!

"Hey there, Umm…Miss." Snape stammered.

"No! You're doing it all wrong, bro!" Ripto sloshed. "Ya gotta call her a bitch first! Trust me!"

So Snape approached again more assertively, "L-Listen up…Bitch! Are you a real woman? They frighten me."

And it was none other than…Dumbledore! "W-What? Snape? What the Friday night funkin' are you doing here? You don't drink!"

"D-Dumbledoor?!" He said forgetting how his name is spelt. "W-Why are you here? And why am I only now noticing how attractive you are?"

Dumbledore explained, "I can't explain that last part, but alas, I'm here to drink my sorrows away after that wealthy delinquent bought my school. I probably could have just said 'no', but he promised me an admin role on his Discord server. Who could resist such an offer?"

"Literally anyone else." Snape accurately stated.

"Agree to disagree," he continued. "And you wanna know the worst part, Severus? He didn't even give me the role! That blimy little shit gave me the DJ tag, I don't know the first thing about how to use music bots!"

At this, Albus broke down into tears unable to relent his frustration any longer. "Please, you need to avenge me, my old colleague."

"Then why don't you just come with us?" Snape asked. "We're off to Kaiba Land in two days' time for the final showdown, we're just waiting on Jack Horner's duel disc to arrive in the mail. We could really use a wizard as powerful as yourself!"

"No." He replied.

"...No?" Snape reiterated.

"No." He said again.

"...That's it? Just no?" Said Snape.

"Yep." Albus said. "I could help, but I won't because despite the title of the story, YOU are the one destined to defeat Kaiba! …Well that, and if I fight him, he'll kick me from his server, so my hands are tied here."

So Severus took a deep breath and shouted, "Okay, fine! I will rise to the occasion and save the day!"

"...Right after another pint of ogre ooze, that is!" Ripto then ordered his friend another round of drinks on Jack's big tab.

And with that, our friends got so plastered that they blacked out…

…For 2 whole days! For when they awoke, an Amazon package handler was standing over Big Jack Horner's body with a tablet in his hand. "Eh, you Mr. Jack D. Horner?" He said. "Sign here, bud."

"W-Wha?" Jack Horner said. "Oh shit! Is that TODAY? Oh fuck muffins, we forgot to prepare at all!"

The package handler, unaware of the situation, just tossed the package at him and was on his way. "Thanks for using Amazon's 2-day shipping, have a nice duel, Mr. Horner!"

"Wait, how do you know that?" He asked.

"I can see you ordered this from Kaiba Corp. Kinda hard to miss those obnoxious initials on the package." He said, before ripping off his disguise. "For you see, fat man, I AM Kaiba!"

"What the shit!?" Ripto gasped. "This twist is so retarded!"

"No, what you guys did instead of preparing was." Kaiba laughed like an outright loon. "Well? Now that I personally delivered your diamond duel disc for you, I see no excuse not to start the match right now."

Big Jack Horner was TRICKED! Kaiba knew he wouldn't do the sensible thing and actually try to prepare for the final confrontation. Now he was in trouble, how will our heroes respond?

"Umm, I mean, I guess so." Jack thinked, which was rare. "W-Well, wouldn't a big shot such as yourself want to do this somewhere more grandiose than this run of the mill liquor den?"

Kaiba saw right through this ruse, "Heh, you guys haven't noticed? Look around yourselves! This is being broadcast live to my Twitch followers!"

And it was true! In 2 nights, Seto Kaiba had transformed the bar into the renowned Kaiba Dome, sponsored by Jersey Mike's. Our hungover miscreants now found themselves in the middle of a Roman inspired colosseum, adorned with fan girls (and guys, mostly Dumbledore) and I think I even spotted a few actual lions. Kaiba just wanted it to look more authentic that way. "And remember to shoot them if they come too close to me! Those lions are purely decorative!" He said to his underpaid interns.

"Wow, what a monster…and look who's saying that!" Ripto spoke, not to be outdone. "I'd probably like him if I weren't such a jealous asshole!"

"Okay, this has been stupid long enough, and I ain't just talking page count here!" Jack said with quick wit to boot. "Let's duel, you Elon Musk reject!"

…"Umm, how do we go about that again, Sonny boy?" Jack said, which made everyone comedically pratfall. "It's been a while since I watched Jap Saturday morning cartoons."

Kaiba then explained the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh!, which are way too complex to discuss at length for a story this juvenile, so I'll keep it brief.
"Understand now?" Kaiba said condescendingly.

"Not even a little." Jack retorted.

"...I'm gonna enjoy killing you." Kaiba then frowned the utmost frown.

"Wait!" Jack said to his annoyance.

"Now what?!" Kaiba spoke in a harsh tone. "You're blue eyes, blue balling my audience, lardass!"

"Umm, I forgot to buy any cards."

"Oh for the love of Obelisk!" Kaiba then tossed him a rental deck. "Here, you can use my obsolete deck. Now hurry before I'm turned off completely!"

"Ew, I don't want these peasant cards." Big Jack then crumpled them up and tossed them into the fire. "Y'know what? Screw this, I've been a good boy, and I have magic artifacts!"

So Jack Horner reached for his…Umm, come to think of it, where is his equipment?

"Hey, dickhead!" Ripto raged. You know we had to. "Where is my scepter?"

"And my cool shit I stole throughout the story?" Big Jack followed up.

"I can say lines too, y'know!" Said Snape. Is there anyone else I'm forgetting? I genuinely don't remember this far in.

Kaiba then laughed an annoying laugh not too dissimilar to my kid brother. "Oh? You mean THESE gizmos? I figured it would be more sporting if I held onto them until you defeat me, like THAT could ever happen, when I have the best cards money can buy!" I don't have a kid brother.

"This is plot contrivance at it's finest, gentlemen." Big Jack explained. "Ain't these writers something?"

"Enough corny ass dialogue, my audience craves blood!" Kaiba said and then summoned a huge slew of literal duel monsters to the field. I could name specific creatures, but I won't.

Ripto thought this was pathetic. "Ha, this is PATHETIC! Do you really think these crummy third-rate holograms are gonna be enough to scare us?"

But Ripto was preempting the script once again, because these weren't holograms at all, as he would soon find out the hard way. Suddenly, a blue eyes white dragon zapped him something mighty fierce with a blue lightning attack, which I imagine would give him PTSD after the events of Enter The Dragonfly. I hate that game, but that's not important right now, maybe for another story.

"YOWTCH!" He whelped. Is that a word? Google docs is telling me it's not. Oh, nevermind, I fixed it. I just had it spelt wrong, oops. "I. HATE. DRAGONS!" He said spouting his now iconic line.

Kaiba admitted, "Yeah, y'see, I used the latest solid vision technology so I could incinerate the pharaoh in our last duel. So these monsters are as real as my numerous swiss bank accounts!"

Now the story could have REAL tension, because them playing a children's card game would have made for a super lame finale in my book. "Umm, we're open to suggestions, Mr. Horner!" Snape said shaking in his boots, if he wore any.

And thus, our brilliant tactician and fearless leader said the following inspired words: "Umm, I'm out this hoe, fellas. See ya!"

"WHAT? I thought we were FRIENDS!" Ripto criped. I don't know why he would actually think this if the rest of the story was anything to go by. "Get back here and die with some dignity, like me!" He then humorously fell face first into a rock and bludgeoned himself unconscious.

But Jack was too busy running away to notice this. Therefore, the gravitas of the scene laid squarely on Snape's shoulders now. As he stared down the implacable creatures laying waste to the colosseum in front of him, he heard the words of his old mentor echoing in his head, "YOU are the one destined to defeat Kaiba!" And yes, astute reader, I did copy and paste that from earlier for the sake of consistency. So Snape knew what his hea-, the plot, was calling him to do…but he wasn't sure if he had the strength to do it.
"Well that, and I don't know how the writers expect me to magic my way out of this scenario when Kaiba stole my wand and potions." He reminded me, implying I forgot…Which I did, so I suppose we should be grateful he did!

Albus thought to himself, "Gee whiz, I sure hope he isn't thinking about what I told him earlier right now, I was just trying to give him a confidence boost! Hmm, come to think of it, I probably could cast an enchantment spell to help him…but my laziness exceeds my capacity for compassion and loyalty!" He then took a sip out of his comically large Kaiba Corp slurpee cup.

"Help me, you old bastard!" Snape screamed into the stands.

"Okay okay, you act like this is a life or death battle or something!" Dumbledore then contributed what little I allowed him to in this scene…tossing him Ron Weasley's broken wand from The Chamber of Secrets. "There, have I fulfilled my obligation as a character in this story?"

"No, asshole, this is all your fault for selling Hogwarts in the first place!" He said reluctantly picking up the wand in the process. "Is it even safe to use this?

"Idk, probably." He shrugged. "Just give it a whirl!"

"Ugh, fine." He relented. "I suppose it can't make things worse than they already are!"

However, unsurprisingly in this case, the spell backfired majorly which resulted in MORE deadly monsters spawning! Not only that, but they doubled in size and now sport death laser cannons, because why not! Isn't creative writing fun? "Umm, thanks, spazz." Kaiba said. "You've made this even easier for me than it already was."

Now things had gotten MUCH worse, now the guest writer had to scramble for new ways to get himself out of the corner he keeps apparently writing himself into to create drama! Luckily, he had just re-read an earlier portion of a chapter, Chapter 9 to be exact, so he remembered an important detail that we said we'd follow up on!

"Oh yeah, whatever happened to that key item we got from Mafia Land?" Snape asked. "Surely Kaiba didn't take that too, did he?"

"Wait, what?" Kaiba asked. "Which key item? I took all of your possessions you had on you."

"Well then…it's a good thing that we handed it off to Angelica Goodthought for safekeeping before coming here!" Snape declared triumphantly. And speak of the devil, there she is now arriving from stage left.

"Seto Kaiba, I'm here for the end of 3rd act betrayal!" She proclaimed. "Y'see, everyone, I want Kaiba to lose because he evicted my people from Avalar when he became president!"

"Listen, I didn't kick your kind out of my kingdom per se…I just fed most of them to my pet blue-eyes!" Kaiba actually'd, but it was probably better if he hadn't.

"Now, I'm gonna enjoy THIS!" She said as she unveiled the key item to be…the UNDO button! "With this, I'm going to UNDO all the previous sentences that got us into this mess!"

And so, with the power of Ctrlz, Angelica Goodthought had reset the events of the climactic final battle to the days before the 2-day Peace arc. …What? No! This is NOTHING like the Zeno button in Dragon Ball Super. Why would you draw such a comparison? And now, we rejoin our heroes back where they were before, staring down Kaiba atop his throne with all their future memories intact.

"Umm, y'know what? I-I'm just gonna take a nap back in Avalar or something." Kaiba yawned. "This whole ordeal was exhausting to read, and more importantly, utterly pointless."

"Yeah, come to think of it…What were we fighting about again?" Ripto, now alive again asked. "Hogwarts kind of sucks, it's not worth dying for!"

"And I learned a lesson, too!" Snape concurred. "Dumbledore had shit leadership, so I think this is actually an improvement. And besides, all of my worst memories came from this place…I think life has given me one last chance to make something of myself, and to do that, I need to move on."

Kaiba agreed, "Wow, I know I usually don't say gay things like this, but I think we all learned a valuable lesson today. Thanks, umm, Severus was it? I only know that because I'm reading your name tag."

"How long has that been there!?" He said in shock.

"Ha ha ha, man, I haven't laughed sincerely like that in a long time." Kaiba smirked. "You're pretty funny, how about I offer you a job at Kaiba Corp? You can be my personal butt monkey, kind of like a clown slave. Whaddya say? I'll pay you in circus peanuts and used cigarette butts."

Snape nearly teared yup. "Respect…i-it's all I ever wanted." He sniffled.

"And what about me?" Ripto asked, thinking only of himself. "I promise to only try and assassinate you once a month!"

"Hmm, well, I know you're very fond of a certain faun I'm currently having an affair with." Kaiba said hitting way too close to home.

"Go on…" Ripto said with intrigue.

"I got it, you can be my unpaid, cuck intern!" Kaiba suggested gleefully. "You'll get to watch me live out YOUR dream of having sex with her, only without the humiliation of lasting a few seconds."

"Sounds like a horrible arrangement, but that's enough to placate me!" Said Ripto.

"And what about the faeries of Avalar?" Angelica inquired modestly.

"Hmm, you can be my one of many sexy secretaries!" Kaiba said as if that was a normal, relatable sentence to anyone reading this.

"That sounds awful." Goodthought thought.

"I'll also pay you in Twitch bot subscriptions." He added.

"...Deal." Said Angelica like the good thot that she is.

"Well well well, it looks like everyone ended up in a better spot than they started, especially me." Kaiba grinned menacingly. "Now, to put the Map of Infinity back in it's resting sp-"

"WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE, FUCKER." Big Jack Horner protested. "This, this is all BULLSHIT, and I can't endorse it any longer because it isn't benefiting ME! I've been a GOOD BOY, ME. Why don't I get everything I want, huh? THIS STORY IS NAMED AFTER ME, AND I'M BEING UPSTAGED BY CHARACTERS NAMED FUMBLES."

Kaiba, upset that Mr. Horner is the only character who seemingly hasn't learned any lesson up to this point, chastised him. "You ignorant, Jack-Ass! I see that this school has taught you nothing. While your friends all put their lives on the line, I seem to recall you running away with your tail tucked between your legs. As CEO of the Omniverse and headmaster of the newly minted Duel Academy, I cannot overlook this."

"Oh yeah, pal?" Jack bluffed. "Whatcha gonna do to me? Bore me to death with lame speeches?"

"Oh no, Mr. Horner. Not this time." He said. "For you see, a far WORSE fate awaits men like you…"

And then, Angelica, Ripto, Kaiba and yes, even Snape, pushed Big Jack Horner into the magical nanny bag, sealing him for good. "WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!?" He let out, much to the silent disapproving looks of everyone around him. "...I MEAN SPECIFICALLYYYYY"

And as Jack fell down a seemingly never ending pit of magical despair, the bag began to rumble and recoil vehemently. Out from the bag appeared…Kagome? Yes, she was still alive after all this time despite the odds, but hey, we aren't gonna question the logistics in this story when magic is involved!

"Whew!" She exclaimed. "I thought I was never going to get out of there! Umm, is it too late for me to enroll in Hogwarts?"

Kaiba heh'd. "I'm afraid you are, little missy. However, your bravery should be awarded. And besides, this story deserves at least one happy ending, I suppose. From this day forward, YOU will be the head of my new Duel Academy! I'm entrusting this important task to you while I attend important matters back home in Avalar. Think you're up for the task?"

Kagome, blushing replied, "Oh gosh, you're really putting me on the spot, mister! Well gee, I-I'll give it my best shot! But I should let my folks in the feudal era know where I've been all this time first, I'm sure Inuyasha is worried sick about me by now!"

So the gang all had a hearty, big laugh…all that is, except for Jack. And as the proverbial dust settles on the story, and our heroes new status quo begins to set in…remember, dear viewer, be careful what you wish for.

…

"That's it? I don't even get the last word? This is not the end, I'll be back for the Drum Solo Multiverse Arc! Ever wonder what the D. in Jack D. Horner stands for? Well, I'll tell yo-"

The End…Until next story