I am deposited at my apartment by Orochimaru personally with a quick reminder of the punishment for defection or revealing what he told me would lead to me being hunted down and killed. I am shocked out of my reverie at that saying something about not wanting to die but am cut off and he leaves.
"So it's death if I leave, death if I stay." I say to myself once I enter the apartment. Distant thoughts run in my head about how I can maybe escape but they don't seem likely. He'd probably find me himself before I even cross a border. "I just want to go back..." I fall to the floor in my entrance way and pull my knees to my forehead and rock. "I just-!"
A series of loud knocking at my door interrupts my mental breakdown but I can't bring myself to answer it.
"Kiiin! Hey! I know you're home!" Zaku is the one behind the door it seems and the knocking becomes ever more frantic. "I need to talk! C'mon and open up already!"
Despite myself not being in any mood to talk to him right now I pick myself up and open the door to see him and Dosu standing outside my apartment. I must look like death because Dosu has a bit of an uncomfortable expression on his face while Zaku frowns at seeing me.
"Kin, are you well?" Dosu comes in and takes off his shoes before taking his personal slippers and putting them on.
"Not really, no." I manage to answer.
Zaku comes in then and gives me one of the most unexpected things he could have done right then. He hugs me full force.
"Don't think that this makes what you said earlier better, got it?" He whispers into my ear. I don't know what to do or say because I've been punched, kicked, and stabbed by this boy but never, ever, hugged. Even looking back into Kin's proper memories reveals this has never happened to her. I don't hug him back instead my arms are at uncomfortable angles for the hug to be truly effective. Yet, here I am.
It feels like about a minute before he lets go. I only ask him a simple, "why?"
Dosu who is sitting at my table says, "Orochimaru came to us while we were sparring. He said you were told that you learned something rather traumatic and need us right now." He began to peel an orange that was sitting among other fruits in a bowl. "We also learned from him that it is an S-class secret that you carry right now."
'Yeah reality being fake is certainly at least S-class.' I snort and think to myself.
Zaku takes my hand and sits me down on a chair before sitting himself down. "So... I won't ask what it is, but c'mon... how are you handling it?"
"Not well. Before you came in I was about to start crying and screaming. I still feel like it but for some reason the hug jarred me enough away from those thoughts." I answer.
"Yeah. Don't expect me to hug you all the time, ya know. But I needed to do something after seeing you like that." He takes out a pipe and starts to smoke it in my apartment.
I instantly bristle at that, "Zaku! It's rude to smoke without asking first!"
Zaku just looks at me strangely and shrugs before putting it into his pocket and saying, "sure thing... I just forgot, so no need to bite my head off."
Dosu sighs but he doesn't comment on the situation, instead saying, "I know whatever you learned must have been traumatic. I realize you're... more sensitive now but you'll be OK."
'He meant to say weaker. I know that, but he's always careful to say what he means. Maybe he is really trying to make me feel better.'
"Otokage-sama did tell us one thing before departing, however. He says you feel like a boy and not a girl." Dosu looks slightly uncomfortable at the admission.
"So, he told you that much then..." I mutter out before saying anything I'll come to regret.
Zaku cuts in, "I know you're probably confused and all by not having any girls around. But I want you to know I want you to be you. If you are not a girl anymore, that's fine by me. If you decide you want to be a girl again then that's OK, too." Zaku takes my hand in his. "I'm here for you, uh, Kin?" He seems uncomfortable saying a "feminine" name.
"Kin is fine for now. I don't know how much I can tell you about who I think I am and all the experiences I've had."
"Do not." Dosu simply puts, "I know Otokage-sama has said we aren't to know for a reason. He did tell us to relay to you that sensei knows more than he's been letting on..." He groans out, "I'm not happy about that."
"..." I take my hands from Zaku's and place them in my lap. I really don't know what to say or how to feel about that at all.
"Do you want one of us to stay the night? Both of us?" Zaku asks before I give him a weird look.
"There's nowhere to sleep. I only have one bed, Zaku."
"Told you she... he...?" I nod at Dosu. "He wouldn't want that." Dosu chuckles a little but it feels forced.
We make small talk for a few minutes before my teammates leave.
After they leave I feel a sigh of relief escape my lips. I want to scream still but I know that's futile. I want to cry but my tears will go answered. I look up at my ceiling seeing the white painted surface. Then I look at the new book my asshole sensei gave me.
I don't really have the energy to study right now but he isn't the type to be too understanding about extenuating circumstances. But that makes me wonder... if this reality is fake, then is it scripted? Do these... people, or beings, or whatever inhabiting this world have free will like I do?
I wasn't much for philosophy before. I don't know the first thing other than the classic 'I think, therefore I am'. If they aren't real, do they think? Or maybe it was hyperbole meaning that this reality isn't affected or doesn't affect others the same way...
"Ughhh!"
Putting studying out of my mind for the night I go to bed but can't get any sleep the entire night.
-xxx-
I arrive at my team meeting early and sensei is the only one present. He nods to me in acknowledgment but says nothing. I do not break the silence and instead find a slightly-less uncomfortable boulder to sit upon. I plow through the first chapter of the book easily as it mostly details the history of psychology in this world and the "non-essential" nature of ethical qualms to experimenting on others aside from your allies... I check the table of contents and find it has information on "state of mind" which details sleep, dreams, and substance use issues. A more pertinent subject if a bit frightening as the first thought to cross my mind is that I could make someone addicted to genjutsu if I can hit the right levers enough times.
I ask sensei that and he shakes his head, "no, I wouldn't recommend that for you right now. While it could be useful in making a person reliant on you it wouldn't be particularly useful for direct engagements." He places his hand on his chin and considers for a moment. "Perhaps you should look into perception, memory, or even some of the schizo-typal disorders. Which do you think would suit you?"
"Well, I think a majority of genjutsu already cover perception of stimulus... but wouldn't memory and schizo stuff just lead to the same problem as the drug-like genjutsu?"
"Yes and no, depending on the application. Memory can be manipulated more easily than you think to your favor, save being able to make them entirely out of fantasy- that is a realm of genjutsu achieved only by a select few masters."
He clears his throat and takes a swig of his canteen. "As for the schizoaffective or schizophrenic disorders that can also be a long shot depending on how you use it. Inducing pandemonium where even the most trusted comrades are turned foe can be deadly but I will admit that would take a while. Instead, it would serve as a good bridge to making someone question themselves in the heat of the moment. Ultimately it's all perception but learning how to influence those perceptions is the key to the art and science of genjutsu."
"So what you're essentially saying is genjutsu is best for a long period of time rather than short engagements." That isn't ideal as I'd rather be done with a battle as soon as possible.
"Yes, though I do have to tell you this: genjutsu users are agents, spies, and infiltrators. It's possible to evade notice through the most rudimentary jutsu but ultimately it takes someone willing to work for the long game. In fact, your next mission is an infiltration... of sorts."
That actually manages to pique my curiosity somewhat but sensei refuses to elaborate.
"Oiiii! Sensei! Kin!" Zaku bounds up and punches my shoulder a bit harder than is friendly.
Dosu just approaches and bows politely to sensei and says nothing.
"Now, since my charges have somehow managed to impress our Otokage-sama we have been given the honor to bring our grievances to the home of our common enemy..."
Dosu goes wide eyed and Zaku vibrates with excitement. "Do you really mean that...?"
"Yes, Zaku. We are going to be participating in the upcoming Chūnin Exams, which just happen to be being held in Konoha." He smiles with malice. "Now, we can't go around killing random people but we will have carte blanche while the proper parts of the exam are taking place."
"But sensei won't we be monitored closely?" Dosu queries with some disappointment.
"Yes we will be, but ultimately it won't matter as we will be invading en masse at the end of the third portion of the exam."
Zaku starts to jump with excitement at the prospect of killing those he hates the most.
"Yes, yes, it is true. But that is why we cannot raise suspicions during the exam itself as we are going to be the only direct representatives of our village there." Sensei places a hand on Zaku's head to get him to calm down.
Dosu nudges me and asks, "Is this not the best news? We can finally destroy Konoha. This is better than any pet rabbit, don't you think?" Dosu's smile can be heard in his voice.
For fucks sake how much did they destroy these kid's lives that they want to destroy a city...? "I can't say that I know much about Konoha but I'll follow the mission through, sensei."
Senssei nods. "I expected as much. There's little I can tell you of your own past as you had always refused to elaborate."
"Ah, c'mon, don't be a wet blanket, man!" Sensei looks at him strangely but doesn't question Zaku's choice of words for me.
-xxx-
Kiyotaka was always a strong man. But He could only take so much water boarding and genjutsu turning his mind inside out. He was starting to break and he could feel it. Even when he begged and pleaded that he'd do anything to be released he was tortured again and again. Even during his exhaustion riddled sleep was interrupted and he was subjected to that demon's mind games.
"Good news for you, Yamashita-kun. I'll be gone for a month, maybe even two. I'm placing you in the care of my compatriot so be good." Kabuto adjusts his glasses before shedding his hitai-ate for a Konoha one.
"Hey maggot. I'm Tayuya. Gonna be fun to break you in." She licks her lips and flashes a flute. "You'll learn to be a good drone, soon."
He didn't know who this Tayuya lady was or how she planned to break him down even more. He was already a mess.
-xxx-
A/N: New art for the cover provided by a wonderful friend GothicMuse420.