Only Just Begun
by Castlefan6
A/N: This is the sequel to "Trying To Forget." Please read that first. This picks up immediately after that story ends, and there will be a casket ending now after they have talked and talked well in a different manner. What happens? This will be a love story between Caskett that also deals with the consequences of actions, righting wrongs, and how some past history for each of the love birds is revealed. AU.
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I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only.
Chapter 6
The Hamptons
Next Morning
Kate was the first to awake the following day, perhaps because she kept having the sweetest dream of her and Rick and couldn't stand it any longer. She had to know if she was really with him or if her dreams had included his fragrance now as well. She popped one eye open and stole a glance at him, breathing so gently. His nostrils flared ever so gently, and she fell in love with him all over again.
She noticed a tiny scar just below his heart. It was small, not like a massive surgery, but there was definitely some procedure that had been done. She needed to know how his health was; he had coddled and taken care of her for years, and now it was her turn to do the same to him.
She slipped from the bed, brushed her teeth, and made a pot of coffee. After all the years that he had brought her coffee, it was time to switch it up. She just grabbed the white shirt he had on the night before, although it was missing some buttons, courtesy of her passion. He had proved to her how much he loved and missed her several times, and spots were sore that hadn't been used in years, if ever.
She walked back into the room, carrying the cup of coffee for him in one hand and hers in the other, as he sat up in bed, checking to see if she was still there. He noticed her then and smiled, "So I wasn't dreaming last night; it was real?" he whispered.
"Oh yeah, Babe, it was real. I mean, truly real. My God, how many times was it? Not that I'm complaining, but I'm going to need a soak today for sure." She smiled and kissed him. She lay down beside him and waited till he had drunk his coffee, content just to spoon with him and feel the warmth of his body against hers.
He set his coffee cup down and put his arm around her, pulling her close. He softly said, "Something is bothering you, Kate, so why don't you ask?" as he kissed her once again.
"How? Oh, never mind. By now, I should know how well you know my thoughts and every move. Babe, please don't get angry, but the sun came through the window at just the right angle; I noticed a small surgical scar beneath your heart. Can I please ask Babe? What happened, and are you OK now?
He looked up at the ceiling, and she thought, Oh God, I did it again, "Kate, I'm sorry, this is new for me; I've never had someone to share every detail of my life with, so please be patient. When I decided to take the offer from Fox Run, I had to undergo a physical; they found a blockage in one side of my heart, so the balloon surgery was done. I only stayed overnight at the hospital, and yes, I'm on medication; I'm sorry I didn't tell you straight out." He said,
"Rick, please tell me that someone in your family knew what was going on, please. I mean, what if that routine procedure went south? Then what, you are rushed into major surgery, and who will make the life-or-death decisions for you?" Tears came to her eyes, and panic was all over her face as she laid her head on his chest, just listening to his heartbeat steadily.
"I told Paula, since Alexis was in summer camp and prepping for her trip to Oxford, Gina, who had my medical POA, was just engaged, and Mother, God only knows where she was or would be, so Paula was the only one who knew. " He said softly, then continued,
"If things had, as you said, gone south, Paula had all of Gina's contact information to make the decisions that I couldn't. Remember, Alexis wasn't eighteen yet, and things between us had become the reason I was leaving. I couldn't ask you to make those decisions based on where we were, and besides, you had a boyfriend who didn't like me much." He said gently as she wept gently.
"Rick, you went through that all alone? My God, I would have been there for you; I didn't give a shit about Josh at that time; it was just a convenient arrangement." She said, her tears falling harder
"Hey, we can't look back, no blame, no fault; remember, we have to move forward. I was fine; in fact, the change to Fox Run from Black Pawn forced me to have the physical that caught what they said could have been the end if not treated. So, in some ways, I owe my life to the decision to leave, as hard as it was." He said, and she could see the sadness in his eyes for the first time. He may have left physically, but his heart was still in New York.
She turned his face and kissed him deeply. "No more, never again, Rick, please? Promise me you'll tell me the good and bad news. I don't know what I would have done had something happened to you during that time apart, " she said, her eyes buried deep in a gaze into his beautiful blue orbits.
"I promise, no more secrets. That goes for you as well, Kate. I know you're a private person, and I'm not asking you to disclose anything that you don't want to share, EXCEPT when it comes to your health, Deal?." Rick said as he pulled her on top of him, her head alternating from kissing his lips and resting on his chest.
He dried her eyes with his kisses as she whispered, "Deal, I hope you know just how much I love you, Rick; I mean, I'm slow in showing it, but Babe, I love you more than life itself.
He kissed her again. "Let me draw you a hot bath for your soak while I shower and dress for the day," he said, moving slowly, regretfully away from her.
He pampered her as no man had ever done, drew her bath with healing salts, and then, as promised, disappeared into his bathroom to shower. Kate must have soaked longer than she thought. When she finally got out of the tub, she dressed, applied light makeup, and slipped out of the bedroom to see Rick holding his head, almost weeping, as he read something from his desk.
She didn't want to startle him but was concerned that something was wrong. Had she pushed too hard earlier, was he ready to share such personal facts with her?
She stood behind him and could see he had been reading a letter, but it appeared to be his handwriting. As she took a step closer, he turned with tears in his eyes and held his hand out. She was in his lap in a second, holding his face, kissing the tears away, and speaking softly.
"Oh, Babe, whatever it is, we'll deal with it together. I'm not going anywhere, I promise, not as long as you will have me. I love you, and unless I'm wrong, I know you love me more than anyone has ever loved me before. Did I push too hard, Rick? Tell me if I did." she was worried,
"No, you didn't do anything wrong. It was just a memory I had forgotten all about until I saw it here on my desk." He said as she held his face and kissed him gently.
"Rick, it's a letter, but I know your handwriting, and I know that's yours or a damn good forgery," She said as she held him, "Talk to me, sweetheart, let me in, please?" she pleaded.
He took a long minute, breathed deeply, and then said, "It was a letter to you. I knew I would never have the courage to say it to your face before I left, so I wrote you this. It turns out I didn't have the courage to mail it either." He said as she held him even tighter,
"Babe, that was over four years ago. It doesn't matter; I don't need to know. All I need is you like this, together, talking about what was hurtful, what we love; that's all we need, Rick." She said, giving him an out,
"Kate, you know as well as I do that we both need to come clean about the skeletons in our closets. I know it doesn't mean anything to you now, but there will come a time when it will; not knowing is worse than anything I said in this, " he said as he moved the letter toward her on the desk.
"Rick, are you asking me to read a letter you wrote four years ago when things were at our very best and worst in our entire time together? I really don't need to. I love you, and I know you love me. That's all I need, all I'll ever need." She said, kissing him once again, knowing that something was hurting him deeply.
His look told her what she needed to hear without making a sound. She kissed him and said once again, "OK Rick, I'll read it, but it won't mean anything, not unless you tell me that a part or parts of it are how you are feeling now, OK?" she said, scared to death what he could have written that upset him so much these years later.
He nodded and pushed the letter even closer to her. She picked the four pages up, hands visibly shaking, as she began to read the letter dated the last day Rick was at the station, over four and a half years ago.
"Dear Detective,
"I know you have observed that I never say Good Night or Goodbye; I think you asked me once why I didn't. I think I gave you the answer that till tomorrow was so much more hopeful than goodbye. I think we've reached the point where the hope for tomorrow, at least for me, is gone, so this letter will be my formal Goodbye to you and all at the precinct.
"The reasons are many. I have finally come to the realization that the heart doesn't always get what it wants, and sometimes, as adults, we have to come to terms with that. Sometimes, we need to accept the fact that no matter how much we want something, it isn't going to make it magically appear.
" I guess that's why I enjoyed my life as you described it: a nine-year-old on a sugar rush for as long as I have; I could always pretend I could make it happen, and I didn't have to deal with the cold, cruel reality of life.
"Now, after working with you for several years, I have finally grown up and now see life as it is rather than how I would wish it could be. I should thank you for that, but I really don't think that would be truthful. If I had my way and could summon some time machine, I see you laughing at those words, I would go back to those days when hope sprang eternally, at least for me.
"I know we have worked many cases where one or both of our lives have depended on each other, and I want you to know that I thank you for always having my back. I hope in some small way I have made your job easier, or at a minimum, I haven't caused you too much extra work.
"I apologize for the times I have caused you to hate me (Your Mom's case, interfering with Tom Demming and your working together, and so many more, I'm sure) and for the times I made your job even more complicated than it already was.
"I take with me some fantastic memories of seeing one of New York's finest detectives in action up close and personal. Thank you for the times you risked your life to save mine. It has been the honor of my life to work as closely with you as we have.
"That leads me to my next point. I apparently misunderstood your attention to detail for my safety for something else; how many times did I have to witness your personal life to get the point? I'm sorry; I've always been a slow learner. I really thought that we had grown closer over the last several months, especially after the latest near-death experience, but I was mistaken; please forgive me.
"I keep thinking of all those people who never got to live their dreams, their hopes, or even see the next day. I know I don't want to be the one who causes you to miss out on your tomorrow. After seeing the heartbreak and carnage of this last case, I know it's best for me to leave. The hard part is saying Goodbye.
"I heard a song; don't ask me why I was listening to a station that played songs like this. I have no clue, but the lyrics struck me as the message I needed to send to you. I know that I'll never be able to look you in the eyes and say the two words I hate the most, so the lyrics to the song below hopefully will convey my message. Please forgive my cowardly approach to this. We both know that I will never move on as long as you are standing in front of me. I hope I have enough courage to mail this letter, but my courage is fading by the minute.
"I need to allow you to live your life, and God, I need to get one, so I'll be wrapping up the Nikki Heat Books with two more. Gina already has them both and will release them in the usual fashion based on sales timelines. I'm sorry the books caused you so much grief. The only positive side I can see is that your retirement funds are set, no matter what you decide to do in the future; at least that will hopefully make up for some of your aggravation,
"Well, my plane is leaving soon. I'm leaving for a project and will be gone for an extended time. I hope you and all of the folks at the precinct will enjoy the going-away gifts I'm having delivered once I know I'm in flight. I'm sorry I couldn't talk to you in person; I did try at the precinct, and well, you know how that goes.
"I digressed. I can hear you saying What's new, Castle," so here's the song by Expose: I'll Say Goodbye for The Two of US.
"I know not every lyric is true, but when I heard it, it settled my mind on how and what I need to do. I'm sorry, Kate. I never wanted you to feel any hurt. Lord knows we've both had enough of that in our lives."
I'll Say Good-bye for the Two of Us
Song by Exposé
Lyrics
When you wake up
And find me gone tomorrow
Don't think I meant to hurt you.
I just did what we knew I had to do
Oh, and all the time, we knew.
The time was never right for us.
It is time to leave this love behind.
I could never leave you.
Baby, if I see you cry
I'll say goodbye for the two of us.
Tonight, while you're asleep
I'll kiss you softly one last time.
And say goodbye like I know we must
There's just no other way.
And I couldn't bear to see your heartbreak.
So, I'll wait 'til you're asleep to say goodbye.
Please realize
How hard it is to do this
I'm trying to make it through this,
Say goodbye just as gently as I can
Please try and understand
This time's just not the time for us.
We knew I couldn't stay.
But that doesn't make it easier to leave you.
So, while I can find the strength
I'll say goodbye for the two of us.
Tonight, while you're asleep
I'll kiss you softly one last time.
And say good-bye
Before your arms embrace me
Before your kisses take me
Before your eyes can make me stay
I'll say goodbye for the two of us.
Tonight, while you're asleep
I'll kiss you softly one last time.
And say goodbye like I know we must
I'll wait 'til you're asleep.
To say goodbye for the two of us
Tonight, while you're asleep
I'll kiss you softly one last time.
And say goodbye like I know we must
There's just no other way.
And I couldn't bear to see your heartbreak.
So, I'll wait 'til you're asleep to say goodbye.
When you wake up
And find me gone tomorrow,
Don't think I meant to hurt you.
Good-bye
"Goodbye, Kate. I hope you find what and for whom you're searching. Thanks for the memories."
Always,
Rick"
She was bawling by the time she had finished the letter; Rick was holding her as she sobbed and held him tighter than she ever had before. "Oh, Rick, I'm so sorry, you went through this, and it cost us four years, all because of a fucking lie; I'm so sorry." She held him tightly for the longest time; nothing he said could comfort her.
Finally, he decided to let her cry it out and hold her. Several minutes later, she looked up at him with her eyes bloodshot from crying, "How can you still love me? I almost ruined you and, in doing so, damn near did myself as well." She got out softly,
"Kate, it's not your fault; if I had been brave enough to push back, not only then, but even earlier, we could have had these conversations we're having now." He said, kissing each eye gently and holding her tightly on his lap.
"But Rick, you never ever said goodbye before; God, I hate those two words or one word; hell, I don't know and don't care. I never ever want to hear it again between us, OK?" she sniffled,
He tilted her head up and kissed her deeply, "I promise you no more Goodbyes, OK?" he smiled as she returned the kiss, almost as if she wanted to crawl inside him and become one.
"Babe, I don't know about you, but I'm emotionally wrecked. Do you think you have enough to know I love you until we see Doctor Burke next Friday? I would really like to cash in that original invitation with the modification that we do lots of funny stuff, I mean."
"Are you asking to stop our discussions and just enjoy the next four days with each other? Have I been convinced enough to think that you love me? Is that what you're asking? He said in a monotone,
She looked at him, not really knowing what he was going to say, "Yeah, I mean, it's just an idea, but if we need to talk more, I'm good with that, just as long as whatever we do, we do it together." She smiled,
"Kate, I don't think we've accomplished what we wanted to," he said and waited,
"OK, Rick, whatever you need," she said, a little disappointed.
"Kate, you asked if I thought we had accomplished enough; I don't think it, I know it, and I need to hold you, to dance with you, to make love to you. You'll never know how hard it was to walk away. I'm a fool, but."
"You're not the fool, Rick, we're here, we're together, let's let the good doctor do the diagnosing. Right now, I have plans for you," She took his hand and led him to the bedroom, "Babe, I'm not hungry for food, but I am for your touch," She purred,
"Your wish is my command. Lead the way, Sweetheart," as the door closed and more memories were made.
As they entered the bedroom, Rick heard the distinctive voice of Karen Carpenter, but he wasn't familiar with the song,
"Rick, this song has been my wish for almost 8 years; now, please listen to the lyrics, and understand that if I could, I would make them true, OK? She kissed him and turned up the volume,
Make Believe It's Your First Time
Song by Carpenters
Lyrics
We've tried our hand
At love before
We've been around the game enough
To know the score.'
But then is then
And now is now
And now is all that matters anyhow
Make believe it's your first time.
Leave your sadness behind
Make believe it's your first time
And I'll make believe it's mine
The door is closed
It's you and me
We'll take our time with love
The way it oughta be
This moment's ours
Tonight's the night
And if we fall in love
Well, that's alright.
Make believe it's your first time
Leave your sadness behind
Make believe it's your first time
And I'll make believe it's mine
So, close your eyes
And hold me close
And let our hearts pretend
That love is ours to share tonight
And it might never end
Make believe it's your first time
Leave your sadness behind
Make believe it's your first time
And I'll make believe it's mine
Songwriters: Bob Morrison / Johnny Wilson
A/N: Special Thanks to Jbug47 for the song suggestion. It was a beautiful song, and the lyrics fit our couple so well,
TBC
A/N: We are beginning to sort out the issues, but more will come. What happens when Dr. Burke meets with them when Kate returns to work? Does she return? Where will they live? There are so many things to work out, and knowing our couple, nothing will be anything but complicated.