Izuku sipped a spiced tea blend, an Asari brew with an unpronounceable name that the translator told him meant "Whispers of Winter Upon a Light Breeze Scented With Cinnamon-Amalgam and Pumpkin-Flavoring-Composite" before it had a stroke and crashed. Both medics aboard, a human and a Turian assigned to his personal command - why did Captain Desonis say he was fit to command, he didn't want to command, he just wanted to sip his tea, go back home to his mother, and bury his head under enough concrete that he would never hear anything about the big wide galaxy around him again - cleared the alien tea for human consumption, though his human medic still made him hold it against his lip for a few minutes to check for allergies. The tea hadn't killed him yet, and Izuku was starting to wonder whether he would mind.
"Earth Clan Midoriya." The Volus sitting next to him, sealed inside a pressurized suit, so Izuku could only vaguely see eyes behind thick glass lenses, leaned over and gestured with his own glass. "Is the * to your satisfaction?"
"Uh, yes. It is very… different." It tasted like sandpaper and went down about as well as rotten milk, and yet he took another sip, welcoming the bizarre assault upon his senses. Anything to distract him from the blue flicker of space disappearing behind him.
"It gladdens me, Earth Clan Midoriya. The tea is composed of bark scrapings from the lumbering trees of Ilium. It can only be collected every ten years, when the tree is bloomed, and is then fed to wicker-whompers, that digest the bark and extract the potent aromatics locked within."
Izuku took another sip of excreted tree bark shavings. "We have something similar to it on Earth. Civet coffee."
"Oh, I do hope it is biologically compatible with my species. The trade opportunities could be worth trillions."
Izuku felt his heartbeat steady. Trillions. He spoke of trade deals in the trillions like they were an everyday occurrence. Good. That meant it would only take ten thousand dung coffee trade deals to equal a door, at most.
"Is the door really worth, how much was it again?" Izuku asked, knowing the full sum but not daring to speak it aloud.
"Ninety-six quadrillion credits, after legal fees, customs registration, and a security detail. I must admit, Earth Clan Nezu shows remarkable business acumen. My cousins would have likely offered as low as seventy, but he displayed surprisingly comprehensive knowledge about the economic situation of Council space. Citing the possibility of shipping Palau fruits without freezing or drying them was an additional stroke of genius."
The Volus sipped at their cup. The cup had nothing in it, but internal hydration systems scanned the code inside the glass and synthesized a concoction of aromatics and acids to simulate his favorite fruit-based beverage.
"Right. So, uh, how much is a galactic credit worth, exactly?"
The Volus beamed at him. "Ah, that's a fascinating question! There isn't a particular set value, aside from imposed exchange rates for Eezo or other necessities during shortages. One could convert credits into quantities of materials or consumables, but exchange rates fluctuate constantly based on the galactic stock exchange, supply chains, and consumer spending habits."
"So, there isn't a way to convert the amount into Earth currency?"
Sipping at his empty cup again, the Volus said, "Nezu mentioned something called the Big Mac Index. Fascinating idea, using a food item consumed worldwide and held to a unified standard as a means of gauging economic worth. The Index would face issues identifying the value of the Galactic Credit, as its worth would fluctuate planet by planet, but I would estimate, based on equivalent foodstuffs aboard the Citadel, such as the Varren Slop Bucket, that it would be a two to one conversion."
Izuku started hyperventilating. Two to one. Forty-eight quadrillion yen. Earth had only just minted its first ten-trillionaire in USD, and he was about to rocket past them. All because he could open a door.
"Forty-eight quadrillion?" he whispered incredulously.
"Ah, forgive me, Earth Clan Midoriya. I failed to clarify. The rate is one credit for two."
So, take that mind-shattering amount of money, and quadruple it. Okay. So, Izuku was going to be earth's first hundred-trillionaire. For a door. But hey, after taxes, it would be enough to buy two milkshakes, maybe three.
"Oh, you do not need to worry about taxation," the Volus said. Izuku flinched, realizing he had said that last bit aloud. "The final sum includes all taxes paid. Though, if you do choose to invest your funds, which I highly recommend, and I have cousins that would be excellent options to help you manage your portfolio, I can refer you to them at your leisure, that will have a capital gains tax on all value accrued."
Okay, so no taxes. Two hundred quadrillion yen.
"Yen? Oh, not that, I was using the earth-standard currency. USD, was it?"
Izuku's stomach disappeared somewhere into space, taking the sandpaper and rotten milk tree excrement tea with it. Two hundred quadrillion USD. Even the US national debt didn't come close to that. Hell, he could buy the U.S. And North America. And probably Earth too.
"Looking into the planetary market? A bit risky speculating into a newly-discovered council race, but you would know the market better than I would. If you're looking for a more stable investment, I know of a few opportunities. There's Raxus IV, in the Raxus system, admittedly a bit close to the Krogan, but a Turian security detail should be plenty to protect your investment. One inhabited world, with a current output of palladium and lithium valued at two-trillion credits yearly, with additional moons and non-habitable planets with known mineral deposits ripe for development. The system itself could be bought with all mining, governance, and settlement rights for eleven-quadrillion credits, then an additional quadrillion in setting up mining on the other planets could see you fully recoup costs within five hundred standard Council years." The Volus paused to sip his drink. "How long did your species live to again?"
"Uh, ninety? Maybe a hundred?"
The Volus checked their omni-tool and winced. "Ah. My condolences, Earth Clan Midoriya. Well, your distant descendants would sing your praises to the accounting books and manage your assets until the stars burned out."
The ship lurched. The Turians scrambled to the controls and said, "Batarian pirates! They were lurking by the Mass Relay!"
"Don't we have Turian Frigates in escort?" the Volus asked.
"We're in the wrong fucking galaxy!" the navigation specialist screeched as he sifted through his maps. "They've got us boxed in, and we're too far away to jump out of here!" The Turians all looked to Izuku expectantly. "Your orders, captain?"
Orders? Him? Oh, right, Desonis said he should have command. Izuku went for another swig of his tea and found it empty. A pulpy trickle crept towards his lips, but Izuku abandoned it when the ship shook again.
"How are our shields?"
"Twenty percent and dropping," the pilot said evenly. "Got missiles hot on our tail."
"Enable point defense screens, scramble chaff, and aim the Thanix cannons at their lightest craft," Izuku said, brain working on autopilot as military jargon the Turians had drilled into him rolled off his tongue. "If we're going down, we're taking as many of those four-eyed thumb-sucking boot camp wash-outs with us as we can!"
The Turians all hooted at that and set about aiming the ship's guns. The Stoic Sentry may have been a light corvette, meant for diplomatic missions and comfortable travel, but Turians didn't believe in a lightly-armed anything. The Thanix cannons roared, delivering a one-two punch that shattered the shields then the drawbridge of an enemy ship.
As the crew cheered, and Izuku with them, the pilot shouted, "Brace for impact!"
The entire ship rocked, nearly spilling Izuku and sending the Volus rolling about like a soccer ball. The engineering officer said, "Hull breaches in the Eezo reactor! We're a flying bomb!"
"All hands, prepare to evacuate! Storage room two!"
Izuku ran ahead of them, cursing all the sliding doors in the ship, until he reached the storage area. The Turians jammed omni-blades into the sides of the box and pried it open, exposing a wide steel door, meant for the Asari homeworld. As the ship rocked again, Izuku opened it, expecting to find the Citadel's loading docks, but instead, he found a wall of armored Batarians leveling rifles at him.
He couldn't make out much of what the Batarian said, but one of the words was on the Turians' 'nope' list, slave. Izuku turned, but a biotic's invisible grip dragged him into the enemy vessel before the door clicked shut.
Izuku had two pistols up his sleeves. He had them both drawn before he even realized what he was doing, aimed just under the shoulder where the armor was thinner to let it flex, and fired. The Batarian went down, cursing and spilling blood across the metal deck.
He turned to fire again, but a Batarian swung a reverse-gripped pistol at his head. Izuku tried to turn his head like the Turians told him to, but that wasn't exactly training his mother approved of, so he never got to practice it. The blow hit him like a sledgehammer. Izuku hit the floor, and the pistols flew from his grasp.
The Batarian stomped over, leaned over Izuku, and spat in his face, saying something else in that rock-tumbler language. Izuku replied in Turian with "Shove it up your cloaca," drew the pistol hiding in his pants leg, and shot him between the eyes. The first bullet got blocked by a shield, but the second burst through an eye.
A biotic grip raised him into the air, then slammed him to the floor. Pinned into place, Izuku couldn't resist, couldn't even move as the Batarians laid into him with fists, feet, and the butt-ends of their rifles. Once Izuku felt more like a mass of bruises than a human being, the Batarians stripped all his clothes, sneeringly piled his hidden guns into the airlock, and spaced everything he had.
As they dragged him to a holding cell, one Batarian went to punch him again, but another caught his wrist, snarled at him, then shoved him inside.
Bruised, shivering, and butt-naked inside a solid metal cell, Izuku blinked away a few tears and thought maybe being a surprise quadrillionaire wasn't as bad as he thought.
Admiral Corvac grinned to himself as he ran his mechanical fingers over the armrests of his new command chair. The frigate was hardly worthy of his station, but it had guns, an engine, and a crew with unwavering loyalty to him. He could feel it in his bones, each Turian a well-lubricated cog within the seamless machine of his military genius. No more balking at his orders, no more questioning whether they should fire upon those 'civilians', and no more useless bumbling incompetent fools that couldn't even pour his brandy into his mouth properly. The nerve of that bridge officer, pouring too much in and getting him killed. He would have the man court-martialed. After he made the Turian see reason, of course.
He felt his orders in his bones. Delivered from on high, surely the Primarch himself with how vast and immortal the cold machine intelligence felt. Those humans were a threat to the Turian Hierarchy, especially the knuckle-dragging ape known as Izuku Midoriya. His orders were to capture the high-value asset for the Hierarchy's glorious invasion of the human homeworlds. And as luck would have it for Admiral Corvac, the package had been acquired by Batarian pirates, just as the Primarch planned. All he needed to do was swoop in, take the prize from them, and exterminate all witnesses. The humans would waste resources fighting the Batarians while the Hierarchy would prepare the invasion.
"All hands, battle stations!" Corvac shouted, his voice distorted by a hundred mechanical chittering whispers. "For the Primarch!"
A/N: got a quick announcement for you all, which will be on my other ongoing stories. If you've been keeping tabs on me the past few years, you might have noticed that I post a lot of stories on Christmas day. I'm still going to do that, but this year will be a touch different.
Starting on the 1st of December, I will release a new short story, with chapters sprinkled throughout the month and a finale on Christmas Day. Let's just say it involves weed, powdered sugar, and property damage. Also on Christmas Day, I will release the first chapter of two other short stories, which will have chapter updates once a month on an alternating biweekly schedule. In other words, Story A will get a chapter, then story B two weeks later. One Small Step will also get another chapter drop Christmas Day, as well as maybe a IMTBJ chapter and possibly another Deku Ex Christmas special if Santa's corpse hasn't rotted too much.
In the meantime, I wish all my fellow Americans a happy turkey day and all you lucky bastards fortunate enough to be born with functioning cognitive abilities and affordable healthcare a great Thursday.