December 28: Just Wondering

From W. Y. Traveller - Watson and Lestrade bump into each other whilst Christmas shopping.

"Lord! How I hate the crowds!"

Chief Inspector Giles Lestrade, senior inspector at Scotland Yard, had the misfortune of dealing with the public, usually the public at their most disagreeable, as a constant part of his regular duties. The man made no secret of his preference for spending his days around only a few preferred close friends, or nobody at all, except his family. Most days after his shift was over, he went home to his family, or to a pub where the unspoken policy was that every man be left alone to enjoy his pint in peace.

"I'd rather be at 'Arthur's Place' holding down a pint of good bitter…"

However, as any constable of experience at the Yard well knew, "needs must." Even inspectors have to do Christmas shopping for their family, and with only one week until Christmas, it was time, past time really, to bite the bullet.

Lestrade had many strengths, but coming up with imaginative gifts, even for the people he knew best, was not one of them. He hated birthdays, holidays, and other festive gatherings that required all participants to arrive bearing gifts, and prepared to make a witty speech. Christmas combined the worst of all of the elements he disliked the most: enforced joviality, vast amounts of good will on demand, and endless amounts of persnickety preparation – preparation that demonstrated your creativity, generosity, large quantities of effort, and perhaps worst of all, a copious supply of spare time to spend on the entire process.

"Seriously! Who has spare time, or any time at all really? I am lucky when I get a chance to have a hot meal in peace – on time, well made, and without interruption!"

The grumpy, frustrated, and overly stressed inspector had already visited three stores looking for the ideal gift for his eternally long-suffering wife, Elizabeth. Family, home, hot meals, stability, decency, and just about anything in his life approaching normality – they all depended on Elizabeth's tireless, patient dedication. Now, he was in shop number four, 'Brethering's Women's Wear,' a clothing store specializing in Women's outer wear, desperately hoping that 'the fourth time is the charm.'

"The song says, 'A policeman's life is not a happy one.' It doesn't say anything abut the life of a policeman's wife, does it?"

Lestrade glanced round the shop quickly, then moved to a rack holding heavy woolen sweaters and cardigans. He sorted through the stacks of jumpers carefully, looking through the colors and styles available. Even as he focused on the two racks of shelves in front of him, numerous women were pushing around him, some trying to pass him in the back, others trying to reach around to access some of the articles of clothing on the racks in front of him. Lestrade was bulldog, even a terror when on the job, but was otherwise quite mild mannered. He was not one for pushing back against women, especially in a public store. He therefore gave way to the more aggressive women, backing away to let the impatient shoppers have their moment.

He knocked into another shopper who gave Lestrade a disapproving look. Her behavior caused him to back away again, out of instinctive politeness. He knocked into another set of shelves and was beginning to get frustrated, as it seemed like he wouldn't even be able to conduct his simple business.

"You will never get anywhere Giles unless you stand your ground." The voice came from behind his right shoulder. He turned to see Dr. John Watson standing close by, a smile on his face, and a twinkle in his eyes.

"John! Fancy meeting you here! What brings you to Brethering's?"

"Same thing that interests you, no doubt. I am shopping for Mary's Christmas present, or at least attempting to. You are shopping for Elizabeth of course."

"None other, John. Having miserable success I'm afraid."

"That's not the only thing you need to be afraid of, Giles. You need to gently move away from that shelf behind you."

Lestrade glanced behind him. "Whatever for?"

Watson chuckled, and said in an astonishing imitation of Sherlock Holmes, "You see, Inspector, but you do not observe!" He gave Lestrade a mock scowl, and said, "look again, Giles." His comic demeanor made both men burst into loud laughter, startling the nearby shoppers. "My, you do that so very well, John. Has Holmes ever heard you do that?"

John smirked and said, "Actually no – but Mary most certainly has." This caused Lestrade to burst out laughing again.

Meanwhile, the shelving directly behind Lestrade was beginning to lean dangerously to the left, as if drunk, and seeking the aid and support of its nearby brothers to remain standing. "That rack needs attention by the staff, or it's not long for this world, not in an upright position anyway," said John.

"Lord, you are right. I truly hadn't noticed. I was too busy trying to find something suitable in all this female chaos, while staying out of the way of all these… Amazons. Elizabeth has told me about this in the past, but I just didn't believe her. These shoppers are more aggressive and insistent than a herd of frantic gamblers in front of the bookie's window down at the track! So much for the 'gentler sex.' Nothing gentle going on in here!"

"Mary has also told me in the past. I have since gone shopping with her a few times since, so this is not my first time seeing a store shopping mob in action. It does give you a certain 'appreciation' for our wives, don't you think? Mary has come home bruised in the past. This is serious business!"

Watson glanced behind Lestrade. "Seriously man, we need to step away. That wreckage is going to go crashing to the floor any minute now. We two, being men, will naturally be blamed. You being a Scotland Yard Inspector isn't going to help you."

Lestrade turned and took another hard look at the rack. "Why, that thing looks just like Charlie Leary!"

Watson cackled with laughter again. Charlie Leary was an incredibly intoxicated witness at a crime scene Lestrade and Watson had been at the week before. The inebriated Leary had toppled over, fully unconscious, as he was attempting to give a witness statement to a constable. Rather than giving a statement, he was carried off and charged with public intoxication.

Both men pulled themselves together enough to move several aisles away from the pending disaster. "This place has a very wide selection, Lestrade. Surely you can find something to suit Elizabeth's tastes."

"That's just it, John. I am in a bit of a bind here. Elizabeth, bless her, is a frugal woman. She will only truly feel comfortable with a gift she really will find useful, especially if it comes from me, as it's being bought from my salary. Also, truth be told, I am a poor shopper for her, because our tastes are quite different. The colors she likes, the patterns and styles that appeal to her would not be my first choices by nature, and vice versa."

"Surely, there's got to be a way around that. Something that appeals to both of you! Give me an example, perhaps I can help."

"Well, a perfect example is plaids. She tends to like them, whereas I prefer solid colors – and tend to prefer the way she looks in solids too. She likes bright reds and yellows, perhaps orange. I think she is marvelous in greens, blues, and grays, perhaps certain lavender hues."

John considered. "Which is more important to her, the pattern or the color?"

"If I had to choose, I would say the pattern."

"Ah, so therefore get her an ideal pattern in a color you think is fetching and attractive on her." John took a careful look around, and then led Lestrade towards several racks of lighter coats, suitable for Spring or Fall wear. "How about a light outdoor jacket, suitable for much of the weather year round – perhaps even on cool Summer days, especially f you are visiting the coast…" He pulled out the sleeve of lovely plaid in a rich blue and gray, with gold accents. "Something like this perhaps?"

Lestrade considered the pattern and color. Watson certainly had a point. Elizabeth would love the pattern, and likely be drawn to the rich but darker colors. He found the colors striking, even compelling. "No wonder Mary thinks the world of him – as does Holmes. The man has a reasonable answer for everything. He's an absolute treasure!"

"That's… perfect, John. Let me look around for other options and for her size." It didn't take Lestrade long to find three choices in Elizabeth's size: the original pattern and two similar alternatives. In the end, he chose a plaid slightly lighter than John's original selection, but in the same line of colors. "It's wonderful. The price is reasonable too. She'll love it."

"Thank you, John. You're a brick! Now what about you? Don't you have some shopping to do for Mary."

"I've had my eye on the cardigans near where you were original shopping – which is how I bumped into you. Give me a few minutes and I'll be right back." He disappeared for a few minutes and came back with a deep royal blue cardigan with a matching scarf. "Well, that was unexpectedly easy!" Watson looked pleased with himself.

"Are we done? Can we get out of here, escape while we have a chance?"

John laughed. "Right behind you!"

The two men went to the front of the store to buy their selections. The line was quite long, and they had to wait their turns. Lestrade saw his opportunity and took it. "I have to ask you, John, as I was just wondering. How do you shop for Holmes? He's not a gift giver, doesn't particularly like Christmas, and isn't one for sentimentality. What do you buy a man that needs little, and usually couldn't care less?"

John smiled. "It's not nearly as hard as you might think. I have the advantage of living with the man, and have come to know his tastes. His advantage is his consistency. I've also been with him in shops, watched him shop, and also ponder certain things, even if he ultimately didn't buy them. You can learn a lot by watching him. Unlike what Holmes thinks, I DO see, and I DO observe. I can tell you that he is rather practical. He will not really buy something unless he has a need for it. Then he buys top quality. However, just because he didn't buy something, doesn't mean he didn't find it compelling. Something he likes but will not buy for himself, he will happily accept as a gift from another. Needless to say, I watch, keep a running list, and go back later."

"Lestrade shook his head in admiration. "You're a clever man, cleverer by half than Holmes gives you credit for. Plus, you're a good man – and a good friend. You have done wonders for the man. We who knew him before you came along… you have no idea."

John just shrugged. "I just do what I can, where and when I can. There's nothing too special about it."

Lestrade shook his head again. "That's just it. You can't see it, which is what makes it so unique. Again, he's lucky to have a friend like you."

They moved to the front of the queue and each paid for their purchases in turn. As they moved to just outside the door, Lestrade again thanked John profusely for his help. "I don't think I could have done it without you, at least not as well. Elizabeth shops for all of the children's gifts, as I just can't find the time. She's the hardest person on my list, which bothers me immensely, because she should be the easiest. She means the world to me! I am blessed to have her."

"We are lucky men indeed, Giles. A man can do anything with the right woman at his side. Love, companionship, family, and health. The rest is window dressing."

"I can't agree more, John."

A loud crash, followed by cries of dismay, and an angry yelp sounded behind them. Watson looked at Lestrade mournfully, and said, "Charlie's down for the count."

Both men doubled over with laughter. "Medic! Is there a doctor in the house?" Watson cried. "We got out just in time!" said Lestrade. "Someone should arrest that rack for a nuisance! Drunk and disorderly!"

They walked down the street, each trying to top the other in their next response.

(The end.)

A/N: Sherlock has always said, with some justification: "The fair sex is your department, Watson." John has spent a lifetime studying women after all.

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