It was Saturday, December 28, 2024. It was a beautiful day, it was quiet outside, the people had survived the holidays well and were feverishly looking forward to the end of the year. 2025 would be so much better, everyone knew that.

Including me. I stared out the window into the clear night sky. It was dark inside, so the light pollution of the city was much more visible. I wasn't even in an area with many high-rise buildings or neon signs. But it was probably just this general brightness that Konoha always radiated. Like a devilish shine. The glow of the hell that this city was. Should I go back to Oto, back to my father, back to the cozy familiarity of the one-horse village?

I mean, honestly.. What actually kept me here? I had come to Konoha because I could no longer stand the peace and quiet of the small town. I had always loathed Oto and Suna, where I had spent my life until I graduated from high school. I had wanted to see the world, the hustle and bustle of the big city. I had wanted to study, and for what? So that I was stuck in a job for which I didn't even need to study? Why did I torture myself through these four years at all?! I hadn't taken away more than a useless degree, an endless list of past lovers, a broken heart and an almost fatal high.

Maybe I should just quit and really go back to Oto. My father certainly wouldn't mind, he was dissatisfied that I lived so far away from him anyway. Then I could look for a job in a gas station – I had experience with robberies. The worst thing about something like that was all the paperwork afterwards.

Pure irony. I hated that, but I had looked for a job where I had nothing but that in front of my nose. And that for the next, I don't know, 40 years? Did I want that? No, I didn't want to. But there was so much I didn't want.

The man behind me moaned, slowed down his movements and probably came. I don't know, I didn't feel it. Sex without a condom was simply not an option for me. And even with, it was still a risk, as I had once had to learn the hard way. Damn Naruto. But well, sex under the influence of hard drugs had been more than stupid in retrospect.

His heavy body fell on the mattress next to me and I heard his exhausted laughter. "That was good."

Seriously? I had been nothing more than a wordless rubber doll for the last half an hour. I had made a sound every now and then when he had unexpectedly slapped me on the ass or something, but other than that, I had just let it happen to me. Had he been good? Well, I cannot say. To be honest, I hadn't noticed much of him. It wasn't my job to feel anything, was it? God's commission was to bring love into this world. And that's what I did. He didn't give a fuck whether I was happy or not.

The man stroked my arm and only now did I realize that I was still kneeling like a dog on all fours. I looked at him, the heavily scarred right side of his face was even more unaesthetic here in the weak moonlight than in the bar where I had picked him up. Shit, it was mean to think something like that, but those deep furrows on his skin weren't exactly what you would call model-like, you know? I smiled falsely. "You fucked me into completely different dimensions, I have to get along again," I gasped playfully.

He snorted with a grin. "At times I thought you didn't like it because you were so quiet."

"Mh, I always am," I fended off, pressed a little kiss on his lips and started looking for my clothes next to his bed.

Probably because he wanted to help me, he switched on the small lamp on the bedside table. I narrowed my eyes a little, but also found my fishnet stockings and put them back on.

"Um.. You don't take coins by chance, do you?" he asked in my back and I whirled around, my thumbs under the hem of my skirt. There he lay on his side, with a limp dick between his legs, the scars on his face creepily lit up, and held his purse in his hand, in which he rummaged around jingling.

"Excuse me?!" I blurted out in horror and stared at him aghast.

He looked up, blinked innocently. "Otherwise, I only have Benjamins."

As if petrified, I noticed that he pulled out a blueish bill and held it out to me. He smiled timidly. "It's a blatant hourly wage, but I don't have it any smaller." He answered my glazed gaze and my slightly open mouth with a nervous clearing of the throat. "Or do you want more? I know we didn't talk about the price before. When it comes to the value you're entitled to, nothing I own would be enough, but I thought, that's the kind of framework what you're asking for in your profession, right?"

JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!

With a trembling jaw, I accepted the bill. "It's okay," I said icily, devoted myself to my clothes again, stuffed the money into my bra and pulled on my jacket. At his bedroom door, I paused once more. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," he said, had pulled a blanket over his crotch in the meantime and was now lying there with his arms crossed behind his head.

"What's your name and how old are you?"

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Obito and thirty-five. Why do you ask?"

"Not relevant," I replied. "Good luck in your life, Obito." Before he could say anything else, I closed the door behind me, scurried to the toilet, which was right next to the bedroom, and left his spacious apartment. Down on the busy sidewalk, I stood in front of a high, dark shop window with books in the display and lit a cigarette. Now I had finally become a whore. I looked at my reflection in the glass. You couldn't blame Obito for this thought, after all, I really walked around like a slut. I had wanted to pick someone up to saddle him with my jinx, so that they could all be happy and I could maybe, but only possibly, one day harvest the fruits of my seed.

My head fell back and I blew the smoke into the air with a jerk. God, please, what for? What was it that was waiting for me in the end? The ascension to heaven? Was I allowed to go there at all? Did I WANT to go there at all?!

No, I didn't know what I wanted. I wanted to get away from here, get out, away from everything that reminded me of Kakashi. Fuck. I acted as if I have been in a relationship with him for years. It had only been ONE day. Well, two. One and a half. Just the sex and then that something whatever that had been yesterday. Just a few hours with him and he had awakened this thing in me that didn't let me forget him. It was just like with Asuma back then. I was obsessed with him, with the idea he had sparked in me, with the hope that there was more for me than loneliness. I really begrudged this woman, whoever she was, they both made a pretty couple, but secretly I wished I was her.

It vibrated in my jacket pocket. If you thought of the devil...

{ Hey, Beanie, would you like to have a cozy night with me tomorrow? ^3^ }

{ As a lure, I picked out a recipe for onión soup just for you and asked my friends for good horror movies. I know how much you like to see me suffer ] If you hold my hand again I can certainly endure it! }

{ And I got Jacky with Lynchburg Lemonade. I saw it in the supermarket and somehow the stuff screamed your name. }

{ Otherwise, I also have wine. Do you drink wine? }

{ White? Sweetie? }

{ *sweet, I meant the wine }

{ Maybe not :] }

There was no moving muscle in my face. I dragged on my cigarette one last time, kicked the butt out on the damp floor and wrote back,

{ I already have something planned. But in the future, get into the habit of not writing a thousand messages, otherwise it will get on my nerves in the long run. }

{ To be noted. What about New Year's Eve? Do you have anything planned yet? }

Why was this guy so annoying now?! Was that his thing? Did he like to play with women? Did that give him his kick? He had his wifey now, so he could leave me alone. Or if that was his idea of "friendship", I would cancel it immediately. I didn't want to have anything to do with such obtrusive people. I needed my space. I didn't have to do something with someone every day or write or talk on the phone or even think about that person. Most of the time I just wanted to be left alone, pursue my hobbies, deal with myself, and not be on call for others and have to come up with excuses why I didn't have time for anything. Good God, was that too much to ask?!

{ New Year's Eve belongs to my best friend. }

I stuffed the phone back into my pocket and started moving down the sidewalk towards the next bar. The night was still young and I should take advantage of the fact that I didn't get my period until next week to fuck as many guys as possible. But it vibrated again. Groaning, I took out my phone and read Kakashi's message.

{ Ok, too bad. In case you happen to feel like it: My sister is celebrating the New Year, address is the same as yesterday. You can also bring your friend, I would be really happy if we celebrated together ^3^ }

Yeah awesome, now he clung like shit. Was probably one of the social ones. Disgusting. I had to nip this "FRIENDSHIP" in the bud before I was bothered even more by him.

{ No interest, Hatake. }

He read my message but did not reply to it. With my heart beating loudly, I waited a minute, glancing up again and again to avoid passers-by, but basically I was constantly looking at the bottom of the screen. Why was he silent now?! Would such a simple counter have silenced him? If I had known that this was the only thing needed to get rid of him, I would have done it sooner. With a frustrated "kst", I stowed my cell phone deep in my pocket and lit a second cigarette as I walked.

I didn't even know where my heavy feet were taking me, but this time I was happy that I hadn't just put on pumps like last week. My Siberian hooker boots at least kept everything warm from the knees down. But they didn't necessarily help an innocent appearance, as I had already been able to experience with Obito. When I was out and about at night this campy, people often catcalled me, but today I didn't enjoy it like usual. I couldn't determine why this was. Was it just my general mood that had been at rock bottom since last night?

In a bar I didn't know, I approached a lonely-looking guy, sprayed him with my charm, let him fuck me against the wall in the toilet. When I came out again, the light film of sweat still on my skin, I found the next one. I didn't even ask number two and three of that night for their names or ages. I didn't care who they were. I mean, they weren't interested in me either, so what the heck. My Book of Harlots would have been the only one happy about the new entries. I was tired of it. I didn't want to do it anymore. It was just before midnight, my condoms in my skirt pocket were empty, I wanted to go home, sleep and maybe never wake up again.

God, was I dramatic.

I stopped in the middle of a passage into a backyard. Even my tenth or twentieth cigarette, I don't know, landed on the ground and I looked around. Where the fuck was I here..? Were there bars nearby where I could get drunk without restraint? I just didn't want to have to feel anything anymore. Whether at home or here, it didn't matter.

My eyes were fixed on three figures who were doing unmistakable business in the dimly lit backyard. Oh fuck, my dad would hate me.

I waited until two of the people left, and then walked purposefully toward the one who was still standing at the high fence, lighting a joint under his hood. "Hey," I said when I was close enough. I fumbled Obito's Benjamin out of my bra and held it in front of the stranger's nose. "What do I get for a hundred bucks?"

I could hardly see anything of the man, but his bright green eyes, which once ran along my body, were clearly visible despite the darkness. "There should be an intact pair of tights in it."

"Wag," I blundered back. "Do you have A-Bomb?" God in heaven, my father would hate me so much!

"For a Benjamin?"

"I don't want to kill myself, Boi."

"Sure?"

I sighed annoyed.

"For a Benjamin and a blowjob, you'll get your A-bomb."

Shaking my head, I crumpled up the bill. "Mh, too bad." I had already turned away from him when he growled, "Yeah, fine, you'll get your portion. But never again handle money like that in front of my eyes."

I suppressed a grin, clapped the ball into his hand and took two small bags. "Thank you very much."

"Now get out of here," he murmured. "And take care."

Strange guy. But he shouldn't be my concern. Instead of the next bar, I headed for the subway station and drove home. This night had gone surprisingly well. I had given three men a rosy future, had directly reinvested the money I had received from one of them and could now devote myself to my wish: deafness.

As I unlocked the door to my apartment, I stumbled over the Amazon shipping box that was still in the hallway because of course I hadn't put it away earlier. I knew myself, I wouldn't get rid of it before my next mental breakdown. Until then, it would continue to stand in the way. The pink plush bunny from Steiff was still peeking out of the open lid. I hadn't even taken it out, just checked to see if it was indeed inside. The goddamn giant teddy wouldn't arrive for a few days, at least the bunny had the option of over-night delivery. I had spent $116. Just like that. Why? Well.

Basically, I didn't care what I had ordered last night. I wanted to satisfy this other addiction inside me, the one that I hoped would fill a void within my chest. Although I hadn't even known it was there until a few days ago, I had been trying for years to fill it with vinyl, paper and synthetic wool, but it devoured everything I fed it. Maybe I should realize that this hole was insatiable. Just like me. I never got enough, forcing scenarios on myself over and over again that I knew I would hate myself for afterwards.

What was the bunny's name again? I had already forgotten, but it wasn't actually important. I picked up the stuffed animal. The fur was damn soft, just like I knew it from Steiff. A teddy bear from that brand was already sitting on my bed and had been named Quentin. What went well with Quentin? Nothing at all. That name was shit. I couldn't even remember why I had called it that. So it didn't matter. Which name suited my current emotional state?

After a short aka half hour of research on the internet, I would name this bunny Sheila. That meant "blind". And fuck, no word described me better right now than that adjective. Sheila got a place of honor on my pillow.

I put on my pajamas and crawled onto the bed with my A-Bomb and two cans of Jacky-Ginger, Sheila always in sight. Jacky-Lynch.. That man had no taste. The first can was immediately opened and half emptied. I shuddered at the strong taste of the whiskey and questioned my plan for a moment. Yeah, no, it was a good idea. As I said: I didn't want to have to feel anything anymore.

With cool, stiff fingers, I prepared my little midnight snack. I stuffed the weed into a narrow joint and lit it. It wasn't much and shit, my apartment would stink tomorrow, but I didn't want to stand on the balcony just because of that. It was much too cold outside, I would freeze to death in the end. Huh, maybe I should consider it.

Sheila gave me a reproachful gaze for such a thought. I shrugged my shoulders and threw a middle finger at her. She was new, she didn't know us yet. Erskine next to her frowned, sighed and placed a paw on her shoulder. He knew she should get used to it, otherwise she wouldn't be happy here.

Still with half the joint between my lips, I tipped the contents of the second bag onto an aluminum foil that I had folded into a kind of mini bowl. I wiggled the brownish powder, smoked up the joint and held the aluminum bowl with pliers from my tool bag so that I could heat it from below.

Now even Erskine, who was the one who lived through the most with me, seemed chiding. I ignored him.

It took a moment, but when small clouds of steam rose from the pile of powder, I held my face over it and inhaled deeply. A sweet, vinegary smell that had always reminded me of old frying fat rose up my nostrils. With each breath, the heroin entered my lungs, joined the marijuana in my bloodstream, and slowly intoxicated my brain.

I let myself fall backwards, wrapped my arms around my chest and waited for the warmth to gradually move into my body. It almost felt like he was hugging me from behind again. It was so cozy there. So beautiful.. He was so beautiful.. His hair as fluffy as clouds.. I wanted to dive into it, float around on his scalp.. It was so soft.. so incredibly soft… The world wrapped itself and me in cotton wool.

My eyes were slightly foggy, didn't really want to concentrate on anything, just wanted to sleep, but I felt for my can and drank it empty. I didn't even taste the bitterness of the alcohol anymore. It was just sweet, delicious. Like him.

"Atomic Bomb.. didudidududu.." I sang softly into the darkness. "Atomic Bomb.." My voice got lost in the silence of my head. I thought nothing more, nothing at all. My brain finally stood still. No questioning, no interpretation, no spontaneous ideas or ear worms. I only felt how I floated through time on this soft surface. Oh, heavenly rest.. If only you would stay forever.

A buzzing woke me up. As if to scare away a fly, I waved my hand through the air – and bumped my knuckle rudely against something hard. "Haaargh.." I moaned and only noticed now, when I was breathing and processing stimuli again, that I was hanging upside down. The blood throbbed in my ears and I tried to lift my eyelids, but failed. Pure pain spread through my skull and I moaned again. The buzzing stopped.

My mouth had been open, so I smacked the fur on my tongue and pushed myself up in slow motion until I could pull my head onto the mattress. Whimpering, I wrapped my arms around it as if the pain would go away. However, I rubbed the sleeve of my pajamas over my forehead and a much worse pain than the humming of my cerebral cortex flashed through me. Hissing, I moved into an embryonic position, buried myself in my arms without touching that one spot on my forehead again, and breathed in and out consciously.

My lungs rattled and my own bad breath penetrated my nose. I had to retch, immediately held my head over what I thought was the edge of the mattress and let out a loud, bloodcurdling belch. Corrosive stomach acid rose up my throat and I spat out clear saliva. Slowly I opened my watery eyes. Although I hadn't vomited, a bright spot shimmered on my dark carpet.

I blinked a few times to get rid of the streaks in my gaze and focused on the world below me. My stomach contents, consisting of some indefinable lumps and foam, adorned my black short-pile carpet. Great shit.

Groaning, I rolled back onto my back, looked at the ceiling while absently stroking my mouth with my sleeve to remove my spit, and suddenly tasted something metallic. I examined the fabric. The grinning teddy faces were surrounded by rust-red stains. Carefully I palpated my temple, on which thick liquid had run down and dried. I felt a thick bump on my forehead and again I sucked in a hissing air as it tugged painfully on my forehead.

With a dull sound, my arm landed on the mattress. Summary: I had vomited on my carpet, apparently hit my head somewhere and judging by a small hole surrounded by a hard crust, the hot aluminum foil had burned my bed sheet. Excellent. And what now? My mood wasn't any better, I just felt shittier than before. My head tilted to the side. Erskine and Sheila were sitting on my pillow, both staring unconcernedly into nothingness.

I struggled sideways until I could reach my cell phone on the bedside table and looked at the clock. It was 12:07 p.m. on December 29, 2024. At least I hadn't lost several days in my intoxication, as I had back then. How many days of my life have I actually been missing by now? Too many.

A symbol told me that someone had tried to call me. I unlocked my phone and was surprised to see Kakashi's chat on WhatsApp in front of me. But I was much more surprised when I saw that we had exchanged three messages at four o'clock in the morning tonight,

{ Beanie.. Am I annoying you? }

{ Yes }

{ Ok.. }

That was the saddest "Ok" I had ever read. Sighing, I closed my eyes. Not only had I replied to his message completely stoned, no, I had also had to be so fucking honest. Yes, he should finally disappear from my life and above all: from my head, but I could have put it more nicely.

The call had just been spam from a suppressed number. No one had tried to reach me, perhaps noticed on a spiritual level that I had fallen for heroin out of frustration and desperation, had inquired about my well-being. Nobody cared whether I was well, whether I was okay, whether I was even alive..

Shit.

With heavy limbs I dragged myself into the bathroom, treated my laceration, washed the blood from my face, slipped into some clothes, stuffed Erskine into my handbag and left my apartment. At Konoha Central, I waited for the train to Kumo for over an hour, smoking up my entire cigarette case, and when I rang my father's doorbell two hours and an additional bus ride later, the after-effects of the drugs and my self-imposed numbness disappeared.

As soon as my father had opened the door and uttered a surprised "Beanie..?", I threw my arms around his neck, buried my face in his long, black hair and said tearfully, "Da.. I forgot the movie boxes.."

"Beanie.." he murmured, pulled me further into the hallway, closed the door and stroked my back soothingly. "Heyy, what's wrong?"

"Lord of the Rings, Da.."

"I could have sent them to you, you didn't have to drive so far because of this. Did something happen?"

I hesitated, didn't want to burden him with my problems, but I nodded slightly.

"I'll make you a hot chocolate," he said resolutely, planted my puny self on the couch in the living room and just seconds later brought me a cup of hot chocolate, which I clutched with my rigid fingers.

He sat down next to me, took the thick jacket from my shoulders and put an arm around me. "Now tell me what happened." He stroked my bangs with his other hand. "Have you been attacked?"

Shaking my head, I sipped my cocoa and couldn't stop a single tear. "I just bumped myself."

"Really? Or do you want to protect someone?"

"No, Da, really... I.." I closed my eyes. "Yesterday I did drugs to suppress my feelings."

My father inhaled audibly. "Why did you do that?" he asked calmly, but I knew he was upset inside.

Yep, he hated me. And I fucking deserved it.

"What feelings did you want to suppress?" he expanded his question.

I swallowed the cocoa. "I have met someone."

"Was that why you were so lost in thought at Christmas?"

I nodded briefly.

"Oh Beanie.." He fully took me in his arms, leaned his head against mine. "No man in the world deserves that you go back into this abyss. It's not healthy if you suppress your feelings. You had to take on so much because of me, you were always so strong. But it's okay to be weak sometimes, you hear? You are allowed to cry. Don't suppress it. Let it all out, Beanie."

These words reminded me far too much of what hurt me so much that I grimaced, sobbed and once again began to howl my head off. My father took the cup out of my hands, placed it next to the snake-ashtray on the small table, and rocked me back and forth while I clung to his upper arm like a helpless, wet kitten. With a soft "Shhh" he stroked my head, but otherwise let me cry without interruption.

And I did. I literally cried my eyes out until I could only whimper. "Thank you.. Da.." I whispered, interrupted by a slight hiccup.

"I'm here for you, Beanie," my father murmured and lifted my chin with his long-limbed fingers. "Do you want to stay here for a while?"

Nodding, I pulled up my nose. "I just didn't bring anything with me."

"You're enough, I've got clothes here."

My chin was shaking and I didn't want to hold back any more tears as I closed my eyes. "Thank you.. so much.."