„I want to go to school", Jackson announced during breakfast one morning, if breakfast is what I can call the mess we have every morning. Jack keeps on insisting that he does not want breakfast, but in the same time, whatever I try to eat, he steals and devours as if he's starving. When I look at him accusingly, he just blankly stares at me, eggs or ham or whatever we have that morning sloppily traveling down his chin, and he asks me: "What-t?". No force known to this world could make him sit down at the table, I swear.
"I was thinking the same", I nod at my son's announcement, and we both look expectantly at Jack.
"What?", Jack bluntly asks as he shoves another pancake from my plate into his mouth.
"We need help with the paperwork, Jack. You know, new ID's, new names, etc-I don't want anyone to follow our path up here to the States."
"Yeah, yeah, I already took care of that", he rolls his eyes, "All that boring stuff is in the drawer over there. So, pick a school, champ, and make us proud.", he finishes in the least possible excited voice.
"And there's this other thing", Jackson continues, and that really catches my attention. I knew he would ask to go back to school sooner or later (if nothing else, then to meet girls), but it seems that he has something more to tell, and that something seems to be bothering him. In a second, a number of possible scenarios flashes through my head: is he feeling ill? Is someone bothering him? Did he catch a STD?! I swear, that boy…I already talked to him about that stuff, but he just rolls his eyes and tells me this is not something he wants to discuss with his mother¸ which leaves me no choice, since his slightly crazy father would probably encourage him to do all kinds of stupid things.
"What's wrong?", I ask sharply, and Jackson typically rolls his eyes.
"It's nothing", he sighs, and then he shrugs his shoulders, "I got us a dog, that's all."
"A dog?", I ask, surprised.
"Do you mean that ugly ass mutt that sleeps in the back yard? With brown and yellow spots?", Jack interjects.
"Yeah. He's not that ugly once you get used to him", Jackson smiles a bit. He always loved dogs, so this is no big surprise, "So, we're gonna keep him, or what?"
"I want to see the dog, first", I sigh, because I know we will keep the dog. None of us has the heart to send it away.
So the three of us trot to the back yard, and after Jackson whistles, sure enough, a really shabby-looking, smelly, and huge, dog cheerfully runs to him.
"He's really ugly", Jack says, and just as I want to agree, I start feeling weird, and to my utter shock, I realize I am about to throw up.
"Oh God", is all I manage to say before I unload not only my breakfast, but also last night's dinner.
"Eww", Jack, unhelpful as always, takes a few steps back.
"What was that?", Jackson asks me when I finish.
"I have no idea-maybe remnants from the fire or something?", I am completely confused. I almost never get sick.
"Why don't you lie down, huh? And uh...you've got a little..", Jack says and I realize he's mocking me, that bastard. On the other hand, I don't miss to notice a weird face he makes, even if it was for less than a second, but his face gave away the expression of..expectation?
….
Jackson loses no time in finding a high school, one that is nearby, so unlike a lot of his peers, he does not need a car to get to school. Jack actually mocked him a bit about that, and I saw a very well-known frown form on Jackson's face, telling me that 'getting a car' was his new mission from now on.
Unlike me all these years ago, Jackson is thrilled by his American high school, especially when he discovered they had cheerleaders. Black girls, Asian girls, blonde girls, so many girls, aw man, and all of them so…cheery. I complain to Jack about that attitude, and Jack surprises me by saying we should simply wait: soon enough, a girl will show up who will rock his world into monogamy. Let's hope we won't become grandparents before that, haha!
We keep the dog and call him "Gadni", which means "Ugly" in Croatian. Jack mispronounces it "Ghandi" on purpose. Gadni really is ugly, but we quickly get to like him. After I give him a thorough bath in the back yard, he's even allowed in the house.
Again, one morning, we have breakfast as usual. Jack came late that night and dirtier than usual. I didn't ask. I know that I don't want to know. The TV is on for some reason – I usually don't watch TV, but Jackson turned it on, and just as I successfully defend my sandwich from Jack's stealing grip, the news starts, and the first story is how Joker blew up a golf and country club. I don't even get to hear if there were an casualties, when I get the telling feeling that I need to go to the bathroom, and fast. I slap my hand over my mouth, but to no use. I throw up under the kitchen table.
"What to fuck?!", I yell as soon as I get some air.
"You should see a doctor", Jackson advises me.
"I really should-this is not normal", I agree.
"Is it because of the news?", Jackson offers helpfully.
"..what?", I stare at him blankly, and then realize what he means, "No, no…nothing like that." Oh, that boy has no idea what I already witnessed his daddy do…one little explosion is nothing. As if reading my mind, Jack snickers a bit and winks at me. However, I have this feeling again, as if I saw something flash on his face for a second. This time, it was..pride? Pride and…conviction.
He knows something.
Jack knows something about me and I don't.
How in hell is that possible?
"I need to lay down for a while", I announce, shooting daggers at Jack who suddenly looks very innocent.
….
The next day I throw up all over the god-damned dog.
"FUCK!", I yell and Jack doubles over with laughter. Gadni starts licking at the barf that he can reach, which makes me sick all over again, and Jack explodes in waves of new laughter.
"This is not normal", Jackson comments as soon as he peeks out of the door to see what the racket is all about, "You're not pregnant or something?
"I'm not, I'm on the pill", I wave the idea off, "Jack, I need to see a doctor."
"Yeah, I'll see what I can do", he says, but I have the feeling as he does not mean it.
I take a walk through the back yard, which is pretty big. I need some clear air, quite literally. And I need to think, because something is going on.
Am I sick? Did I eat something wrong? The food I'm eating here is not the same as the one back in Croatia, maybe I should take more care to buy quality food? Have I developed some weird allergy? Does anyone in my family have any weird illness? What is going on?
I take the car, even though is one of those with automatic shifters, and I don't really know how to drive that kind, but I figure I have to master that if I'm living in the States. I noticed a small shopping mall a few days ago, and I need a few things from Walgreens to help me with my upset stomach. I don't even tell Jack where I'm going, because I feel a bit mad at him. Instead of laughing at me, he should have comforted me or something.
I enter the pharmaceuticals, and I can't believe how big it is. I take my sweet time strolling down the aisles, and I take quite the number of items into my shopping cart. I took some of Jack's money, and I smile gleefully as I spend his money on things that I don't really need that much. However, my smiling stops as I stop by some shelves with pregnancy test. Could it be..? I'm on the pill. I mean, I know there is a theoretical possibility of getting pregnant even when one regularly takes the pill, but we're talking theoretical, like, come on..no way. Still, one test lands in my shopping cart.I'm spending money here on stupid stuff, remember? I mean, I can take the test, just to make sure I'm not that one in a million, ok? Whatever.
…..
When the blue plus shows up, indicating and confirming that I am pregnant, I just gasp. Maybe a bit too loudly, because Jack is already on the other side of the door.
"What's going ohhh-onnn?", he asks in a sing-song voice.
"Nothing!", I answer too fastly, and too loudly.
"Then let me iiihhh-innn!", he demands in the same voice, but I know he's not asking me, he's telling me.
"Can't I have any privacy?", I open the door after I have hastily stuffed the test into my pocket.
"You can.", he says, towering over me and staring at me with such intensity that I somehow start to believe that he knows all my secrets, my thoughts, my feelings and everything that is kept in both my head and my heart.
"What.", I try to wiggle my way past him, but his strong arms gently, but decidedly keep me in place. I avoid his eyes – I can't share the truth about my pregnancy with him; not yet. The news is too fresh, too raw, the shock hasn't even built up yet-I'm not ready to share yet. I can't say that truth out loud.
"Do you know that I love you?", he gently and genuinely asks me, and that takes me by surprise. I look at him and I find nothing but warmth and joy in his eyes. I inspect his eyes with some distrust, and I realize I'm a already in protective baby-mama mode.
"I do.", I say after a minute, since he calmly and patiently waited for the answer to that rather simple question so long.
"And I do. Love. You. And that means something.", he tells me, not breaking eye contact, "It means I'm on your side. On our side."
He gives me that look – the one he's been hiding these past few days – the pride, the happiness, and the knowing.
Oh my God, he knows.
How the hell does he know?
He keeps on staring in my eyes, and I can tell the moment when he realizes that I know that he knows. His smile widens, but his eyes still carry that expectant look. He wants me to confirm.
How can he be that far ahead of me? It's my body, for Goodness sake! And I'm on the pill! It's impossible! Unless…no. No. No. He wouldn't. NO WAY.
"Wait…waitwaitwait…", I shake his hands off of me, and push him away. He doesn't like it, but I see curiosity and mischief in his eyes. Is he watching to see if I got it?
I go straight to the little table next to my side of the bed. I keep my pills there. I take the round package and take a long, hard look at the pills. They were always red..but these pills are a different shade of red. My head snaps up and I look sharply at Jack.
"Jack."
"What.", his façade is already up.
"Jack."
"What-t."
"Don't you what-t me!", I scream as I throw the pills at him.
"What!", he roars with laughter as he turns to run away from me into the hallway.
"This is not funny, you donkey!", I grab a vase and miss him – I was never good at throwing stuff, and he's a moving target.
"I don't even know what you're talking about, sweetheart!", he lies through his teeth as he takes cover behind the couch in the living room.
"Don't you move when I throw things at you!", I yell at the seemingly empty room, "And man up and show yourself!"
He can't resist the challenge and rises behind the couch. His wide grin irritates me to no end. I want to hit him with something, but what's the use?! I'll just smash the pretty house he found for us and then I'll have a mess to clean up afterwards. I'm a grown up now, not a teenager.
My anger suddenly turns into helplessness and I sit down at the opposite facing couch. I don't hear him approach me, cat-like as he is, but I feel his warmth as he sits next to me. He takes my hand into his and gently squeezes it.
"Sonja. Say it. I want to hear it from your mouth.", he asks.
I cry a little, and then I just nod my head.
"Say it, Sonja, please.", I hear his voice, and there is no glee in it, just comfort and support.
"I'm pregnant.", I say.
He hugs me closely, and pulls me onto his lap. He then kisses my forehead, my cheeks, my fingers. He peppers me with little kisses and I relax into his touch.
"I am so happy.", he then says and I know he means it.
That tricking, manipulative, crazy bastard. I'd kill him if I didn't love him as much as I do, and he knows it.
"I can't believe you did this", I shake my head.
"It's going to be a girl, I'm sure of it", he smiles dreamily.
"You can't just make such decisions by yourself.", I say.
"I'm going to spoil her so badly.", he giggles.
"I'll make you pay for this, you know. You'll suffer for this.", I promise him. And I mean it.
"It's so worth it.", he finally looks at me and kisses all my protests away, even if it is just for a few minutes.
A/N I know I am so, so, so very late with the update and I am truly sorry. The reason is personal (nothing tragic, just annoying) and it shouldn't happen again!
In the meantime, thank you for all the kudos and comments. Please let me know how you like the new chapter! Sorry for any typos, I wrote it down in one sitting...