It was a normal day at Aldi as customers happily shopped for goods at cheap affordable prices while employees cheerfully sold them goods. Life was peaceful
Or at least it was until team 2 showed up.
Suddenly, Bobobo began rampaging through the store, tearing everything to shreds.
Shelves were obliterated, employees flew through the air, and babies cried as Bobobo beat on everyone with a giant stuffed panda bear.
Red hot flames of fire were coming out of Bobobo's aura as he yelled "WHY IS IT COMMON FOR A GUY TO BE NAMED CHRISTIAN BUT UNCOMMON FOR A GUY TO BE NAMED MUSLIM?! IT MAKES NO GODDAMN SENSE!"
Employees and customers flew through the air as any attempt to calm down the bonafide bo-tector of hair appeared to be fruitless.
Michael Jordan attempted to slam a basketball onto Bobobo's head while the Hamburglar flung a hamburger at the hair protector, but it was no use as Bobobo caught the hamburger with one hand and flung the fast food item like a shuriken at Michael Jordan.
The hamburger hit Michael Jordan in the center of his skull. If this were a Mortal Kombat game, one would see the inside of Michael's cranium shattering from the impact. The basketball player flew through the air and crashed into the store's cereal section.
Bobobo's nose hairs then exited from his nostrils and proceeded to wrap around Hamburglar's neck like a noose.
"I'm not loving it" futilely said the Hamburglar before Bobobo lifted up the McDonalds antagonist and slammed him into the frozen food aisle.
"SOMEBODY TELL ME THE MOTHERFUCKING ANSWER BEFORE I KILL EVERYONE!" yelled Bobobo.
Gumby then put his hand on Bobobo's shoulder and said "because my son, Christian is a name for holy people, while Muslim is a name for niggas who think Full House is the peak of TV writing."
The fire in Bobobo's heart extinguished immediately as he said "you truly are the Son of God."
Gumby smiled and said "thank you, my father taught me well.
Michael Jordan then popped back up from out of nowhere and said "so, who's this guardian that we're looking for anyways?
Bobobo then said "oh, Martin said she's called-"
Bobobo then looked at the marker writing on his hand and said "the *Aldislayer* or something like that."
Michael Jordan then said "well, where are we going to find someone who fits that description?"
A woman wearing a T-shirt that said "I'm not the Aldislayer", walked over and said "excuse me young men, could you please tell me where the napalm section of the store is?"
Michael Jordan then smiled and said "oh, it's right over there" before pointing to the 3rd aisle.
The woman said "thank you" before happily skipping over to the napalm aisle.
Bobobo then said "well she seemed nice."
Gumby said "true, she seemed like a woman I'd like to have tea with."
The Hamburglar then came back from the frozen food aisle and asked "hey guys, what'd I miss?"
Bobobo then spoke up and said "oh, the Aldislayer just came by and asked where the napalm section of the store was. It's no biggie."
"WHAT THE FUCK, WHY DIDN'T YOU GODDAMN PUSSIES DO ANYTHING!?" yelled the Hamburglar before running to the napalm aisle to confront the wench.
Gumby angrily said "NO ONE TAKES MY FATHER'S NAME IN VAIN" before running after the Hamburglar.
Michael Jordan angrily yelled "NO ONE CALLS ME A PUSSY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" before running after the Hamburglar.
Bobobo just shrugged his shoulders before looking at you, the person reading this fic, and saying "What? They're my ride, I can't ditch them" before putting two loaves of bread on his feet and ice skating after them."
…
Meanwhile, The Aldislayer was humming to herself as she rigged numerous explosive devices to the shelves of the store.
"Oh pissmas tree, oh pissmas tree, how sexy are your branches. Oh pissmas tree, oh pissmas tree, how kinky are your branches" sang the Aldislayer.
The Hamburglar and his teammates arrived at the aisle and the Hamburglar declared "not so fast Aldislayer!"
The Aldislayer grumbled as she said "how did you see through my disguise?"
The Hamburglar smirked and said "Mr. Potatohead couldn't fool me, so neither will you."
The Aldislayer just stood there for a moment before saying "am I supposed to know what that means?"
Michael Jordan said "the point is, we're gonna kill you and take your jewel because you're stupid and we aren't."
The Aldislayer just said "oh really? And how do you suppose you'll do that?"
Bobobo spoke up and said "because we're Sonic Heroes!"
A giant SEGA logo then appeared behind the four as they struck a cool pose. Fireworks erupted from the logo due to the coolness radiating from them.
Gumby then looked behind them and screamed "HOLY SHIT WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!?"
Bobobo didn't even break his pose as he said "I don't know."
The Aldislayer said "It doesn't matter how cool your poses are. The master, Kevin Smith, promised to give me the power to wipe every single Aldi off the face of the planet and I always keep my promises."
The Aldislayer then cupped her hands together and fired a flurry of chicken nuggets at our heroes. The chicken nuggets hit Bobobo, the Hamburglar, and Michael Jordan, sending them flying while Gumby moved out of the way at the last second.
"You're fast" complimented the Aldislayer
"The blessings of my father give me the righteousness required to defeat a wench such as you" said Gumby before pulling out a cherry fruit roll up and smacking the Aldislayer across the face with it.
The Aldislayer's face began to bruise as Gumby repeatedly slapped her across the face with the cherry flavored snack. Everytime Gumby takes a bath, another one of your family members dies.
Soon, the Aldislayer caught the fruit roll up and said "it's not going to be that easy" before yanking it out of Gumby's hands and bashing Jesus's brother across the scalp with it, sending him flying into one of the shelves.
The Aldislayer then began twirling the fruit roll up around like a bow staff before asking "anyone else want some?"
Bobobo and the Hamburglar then arrived before saying "EAT OUR FIERY HOT JUSTICE VILE VILLIAN" in unison and pulling out a cavalcade of Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches. The pair then began throwing the sandwiches at the Aldislayer.
The two heroes were tossing sandwiches with all the ferocity and rage of a lesbian in a hot dog eating contest.
The Aldislayer laughed as she sliced each and every PB&J sandwich in half with lightspeed precision, while saying "the only thing I'll be eating is the sweet nectar of victory" before throwing the fruit roll up at the Hamburglar like a javelin, impaling the ruler of McDonaldland in the process.
Bobobo started crying as he yelled "HAMBURGLAR NOOOOOOO!" before running towards the Aldislayer in rage.
The Aldislayer took on a combat stance as she took on a combat stance. She almost looked like a Shaolin Kung Fu master, ready to beat down anyone who dared to challenge her. Her fists yearned to taste blood and Bobobo would be their next meal.
However, this did not happen, as instead of attacking, Bobobo just highfived her and said "good job, I always hated that guy" before running back to the Hamburglar and beating the absolute shit out of him.
"WHAT THE FUCK!?" yelled the Aldislayer as Bobobo stomped on the Hamburglar's face with a ferocity unseen by mortal man.
"THIS IS FOR NOT GIVING ME THE HAPPY MEAL TOY I WANTED!" yelled Bobobo as he stomped on the Hamburglar's head. If one were to go near the scene, they could swear they could hear a skull being fractured.
The Hamburglar tried getting up, but Bobobo wouldn't let him, as Bobobo pulled out a glock and began emptying rounds into the Hamburglar's head, causing blood to spew out of his skull.
The Hamburglar attempted to get up once more, but Bobobo found this laughable at best, as the nose hair warrior grabbed the Hamburglar by the head before pulling out a Ka-Bar knife. The Hamburglar screamed as Bobobo began slowly making a gory cut across the Hamburglar's throat. The Hamburglar struggled, but it was no use as Bobobo held his head in place and laughed as he slit the Hamburglar's throat with all the maniacal pleasure of a necrophiliac in a zombie apocalypse.
Finally, the Hamburglar stopped moving as his lifeless body fell to the ground, dead, with Bobobo laughing at his motionless corpse.
Bobobo laughed for several minutes, like he'd just heard the funniest joke in the world, before suddenly turning grim and serious again. He looked at the speechless Aldislayer and yelled "HOW DARE YOU KILL MY FRIEND THE HAMBURGLAR!"
Aldislayer just said "WHAT!? THAT WAS ALL YOU, I DIDN'T DO ANYTH-" but she didn't finish as Bobobo socked her across the face, knocking out several of the Aldislayer's teeth.
Aldislayer then began coughing up blood as Bobobo followed up his attack with a punch to her stomach and a kick to her ribs.
The Aldislayer attempted to punch Bobobo, but it did nothing as the hair protector bonked the Aldislayer on the head with a croquet mallet and kicked the Aldislayer in the vagina.
Finally, Bobobo finished his combo by smashing a flat screen TV through Aldislayer's head and pouring a mug of hot chocolate on her head.
"Now I'm off to go masturbate to Seth McFarlane" said Bobobo before sashaying away from the Aldislayer.
Michael Jordan then went up to the Aldislayer and said "NOW LET'S FINISH THIS!"
Michael Jordan then went up to the injured Aldi slayer and grabbed one of the atoms in her body. He then took the world's smallest knife and said "game point," before splitting her atom in half.
A nuclear explosion went off as the sequel to Hiroshima had finally come. Everything around the area was annihilated instantly. There was now a crater where Aldi used to be.
Michael Jordan, the Hamburglar, Gumby, and Bobobo highfived each other at a job well done. Finally, the evil of the Aldislayer had been thwarted and people could shop at Aldi without fear.
"Great job team! I'm buying all of you beer!" said Michael Jordan cheerfully.
The Hamburglar said "I'd rather have a McFlurry instead."
Michael Jordan said "even better, that oughta save me a few bucks."
The four heroes laughed, knowing that the future was looking bright as they were one step closer to finishing the fight against Kevin Smith.
The happiness of the moment was soon ruined as Gumby spoke up to say "hey guys, weren't we supposed to be looking for the jewel?"
The crew fell silent as they realized they'd forgotten their goal.
Bobobo then picked up a rock with googly eyes on it and said "this is close enough right?"
Michael Jordan said "yup, that looks a lot like a jewel to me."
The four of them then went to go back to Martin's hideout, in the hopes that no one would notice the difference.