Summery: Tetsuya know there is something wrong with him but he doesn't know what or why, he opens up for the first time.

Notes: So this was the missing chapter I hated the second chapter I wrote a few months ago, it stomped me so bad I couldn't think of anything for it, I felt awful deleting that chapters but I think I can finally build off this chapter, I'm glad I made the changes I did now I can further progress Kuroko's story and by extension Akashi's.

It also took really long to edit and re-post life got kind of hectic with my grandmother getting a heart attack and all she's fine now but I need to focus a lot more on her so yeah.

Thank you to those who enjoyed my previous chapter 2.

So triggers are purging and self-harm for this chapter.

"So why do you think you're here, Kuroko Tetsuya-kun?" Tanya asked.

He has an idea, perhaps it was his listlessness, the random crying, his past struggles with an eating disorder or he hadn't kept his emotions in check resulting in his grandmother seeing through the cracks.

"I do this thing…" he says "When I feel empty inside… I don't want to trigger anyone here… I know they said they're okay with things that could be linked to an eating disorder but…"

"I am here Kuroko-kun worry not. If you or anyone here becomes uncomfortable, we can bench the conversation."

He hesitantly nods, "I don't know if I should say it, rather… I don't know how to say it…"

He feels the discomfort in his nasals it's the sign that tells him he was about to cry he glances over at Hanamiya, he is about as he expected, his eyes bored into his figure, perhaps it was the factor that they were in public he hadn't mocked him yet, he looks over to Mibuchi, his eye seemed to be sympathetic as if he foresaw what he was about to say, Imayoshi had seemed to hold a grin akin to a grimace, he could not see his eyes very well rather he refused to. He could not look at Akashi.

Fragile, sentimental, foolish… he didn't want to see such opinions of himself in Akashi.

"I make myself… you know…" he gestures his finger to his mouth. "I—"

"Okay… it's okay I know…" she says.

He feels the wetness of his feet in his socks, the vice-like grip he has on his left hand as he wrings, cracks and stretches every single finger as they slip in and out of itself.

"Can you tell me when it started?" she asks.

"I can't exactly pinpoint when it started… but… I could tell you what could've caused me to do it last night… I don't know why I did it… I was hoping you could tell me…"

"Hey Kise-kun, about the other night, please don't tell Akashi-kun."

In those amber eyes read nothing but pure concern, just as he'd expect, making him feel even worse than he initially did when he thought of just begging the blonde to hide the incident from Akashi, 'Just Typical Tetsuya' he berated himself as he used that power play as his former mentor to conjure up that sad excuse of a plea disgustingly shifting the tone of his voice to seem like the victim, he knew Kise wouldn't couldn't resist him, he felt so dirty, this was why Ogiwara had called him a snake that day.

Kuroko knew this, he knew he would have to talk about his problems, but admittedly, he was a logical person, his anxiety to him was just illogical, isn't anxiety for people who had something to hide? What was it about stating his well-being that cause him to get so panicky and anxious, as if admitting something was wrong would kill him?

He could see the look on Kise's face the look that simply read,

'He'll find out eventually.'

Kuroko gave him a knowing look, Kise sighed at him, sipping on his drink and munching on the remaining fries of his combo.

They remained there in uncomfortable silence until he finished his vanilla milkshake, which tasted almost as bland as him, he's beginning to think that it's just the ever-slow economic growth of Japan being the cause of establishments needing to use lower quality products in their ice cream and by default would make the shake taste worse. His grandmother would complain about the quality of certain products over the years, gradually receding, that was the only logical explanation for it

"Kise-kun I am fine, it was a simple lapse of composer, I was reminded of an unpleasant event from my childhood and that's why I cried."

"Kurokochii nothing is wrong with crying, but that, I'm concerned for Kurokochii, that wasn't just crying," Kise gently placed with hand on Kuroko's "You know we care right."

Kuroko's eyes slightly widened in shock, but not so much that Kise could take notice, and nodded.

Kise takes in his response and sighs yet again, "Alright I won't tell him but promise me you'll tell him, Akashichii is very concerned."

"I will."

It's not like he has a choice anyways it's certain that Tanya would ask for him to talk about it to the group, the inevitability of it all was just something he wished to avoid, that would be an oxymoron in itself, perhaps a paradox avoiding the inevitable will forever prove to be impossible.

Kuroko would come home later that evening to an empty house, his grandmother would not be coming back home until possibly seven o'clock at night he had always hated that damned cardiologist, dealing with heart patients yet keeping them there for hours on end, she was probably there from since noon, not to mention the fact they were mostly elderly folks, he sighed, nothing he can do about it, plus this guy was supposed to be the best in the country, he pondered on her wellbeing, Is she okay? Is she hungry? He did not want to call her cell, just in case she got through early, he hated not being able to go with her on appointment days, and he'd worry too much.

He was tired, unsure of whether it was practice or perhaps the conversation with Kise, either way, he just wanted to lie down, his grandmother will be fine the caregiver will be taking her home, he could take a nap, he just hopes he wakes up in time to do his homework.

It was about five when he dropped himself unto his bed, eleven when he'd wake up. He made his way downstairs to the dimly lit kitchen he would see a note

"Tetsuya your dinner is in the microwave, it's takeaway from that new Italian restaurant, I got you the same thing I got, the food is absolutely amazing even Haruka-chan says so."

He looks at the plastic containers in the microwave, she must've paid a pretty penny for the food, the containers probably made up half the price, it was an aromatic Shrimp Alfredo, with a side of Cream of mushroom, and his favourite ginger beer drink.

The portion sizes were rather abysmal for the amount on the bill, it was over 30000 yen, well honestly this was his grandmother's way of sticking it to the man the man being his cheapskate of a mother, it looked like one of those dishes of the 'gourmet chicken nuggets' in those American memes Kagami would show him, he huffed a bit, amused at some of the things he remembered, he had been looking at them on Reddit with Kagami in the school library at lunchtime because first, the senpais do it too and secondly he was in the library committee, Kagami told him it will help him a bit with English because the English taught in the Japanese syllabus was 'too formal' he had honestly thought it was just him being the lovable idiot he is, so he asked Himuro who also shared the sentiment, Kagami called their meme viewing sessions "Modern English class"

He sighs taking a forkful of the pasta, his tongue would betray his nose, there was hardly any taste which was odd, especially something with such an intoxicating aroma, there was obviously an overwhelming scent of garlic and cheese was his tongue broken? he didn't get it.

He could only feel the texture of everything, the vainness of the shrimp, the sliminess of the pasta, the overall soupy feeling of the leaves of parsley, the stoniness of the few grains of black pepper, what the hell is happening to him, everything tastes so unimaginative, so bland, he doesn't want to finish it but he forces himself, he's honestly glad he brought his books in the kitchen maybe that might serve as a good distraction, and it did, but his mind would waver, Haruka made Alfredo before, well the modernised version of the Italian dish, same with this restaurant, and as much as he could remember it was immediately his favourite.

He is finished with the meal and about half of his homework, he pushes out the chair gingerly, washes the takeout bowls and places them in the dish rack, his grandmother really likes keeping those types of plastic containers, not that he had a problem, it's what they would call a good practice.

He took all his books up to his room and placed them on the same table as his desktop, looking at the only source of light in his room, possibly by the grace of God his parents wrote him back.

He logs in, and what do you know? There are separate emails from both of them, it's a miracle.

"Subject: You are doing well I assume

Dear Tetsuya,

I must say I am proud of you; you've won the Winter Cup, your father must not know I told you about this but, he and a business partner have been arguing over whose son would win I do not remember the school, I deemed the information unnecessary so do not ask.

I heard from mother that Shigehiro has passed away, this is the universe's way of showing you that life merely goes, the world does not sit and wait for anyone, therefore I expect you to keep up your grades I will be back by March, I expect to see all 80's and 90's your pitiful grades from July will not be accepted, if you disgrace me again, you can get out of my sight, I didn't put money into your schools just for you to play some dumb basketball game. I respected that you had basketball, you however had not won the Inter-High that year, consider yourself lucky you won the Winter Cup, you do not get to sacrifice your grades for such a fickle thing such as a sport. Especially when all you have is that misdirection that pseudo talent. I respected your situation now you must reciprocate and respect my feelings.

Kuroko Aoi."

He reads her message as he thought to himself 'What a wonderful way to end mother…'

Her messages were always like that, compacted, concise, and business formatted her words made him suffocate, his mother is a no-nonsense, money over matters person, she would quicker waste away a relationship before a business deal, and he understands that people come and go, he believes he doesn't ask for much, he understands he is not to slack off, but she really hadn't needed to remind him about his misdirection being simply a pseudo way of playing his favourite, was, yes, it was selfish to slack off on his grades he deeply regrets it his mother pounded into his head he was not to cause a scene, do not bother people, a he must not be loud, must fit into the crowd, she continuously told him how happy she was that he was born with her low presence trait. He wanted to shine. It was selfish but he thinks he could be selfish just this once.

Her emails were co-worker to co-worker or boss to employee, was purely give and take relationship. He knows she could care less, but a part of him deep down just wants to believe that he still cares for him.

He wants to believe that she loves him.

He closes the email.

He doesn't wish to reply to it at least not now, he didn't have the energy for it.

Then there was his dad.

"Subject: Hey how are you doing :)

Hey there kiddo,

I heard you won the game that was insane, you know when I was your age I was in the basketball club, I was a point guard, you've probably heard from Minami, I met my ex-teammate decided to become a sponsor for our company, figured it was a win/win their chains of hotels gets exposer and overall more promotions our idols get a 5-star hotel, good food and of course a design, also I must say I'm so glad I listened to you about the business, I should be coming home soon though possibly in the next two months, I'll treat you to a nice café or something Minami told me you liked vanilla shakes, it must be kind of lonely there, I think your mother is also requesting Minami to come to America, some display of pottery she did, she said it was and I quote "To get the history from the source" or something like that. I just hope common sense prevails and she remembers the date of Shige's funeral.

I'll be home soon I'll be home before your birthday. Remember to take care of yourself, you don't have to reply right now, but please do soon I want to hear from you.

Just reply soon yeah?"

P.S.: If your uncle tries to contact you at any time let me know.

Casual talk, just a bit of talk about the business, he appreciated the boundaries his father set, he would much rather talk to his father in person, only then they can speak freely with his father but his father was an amazing negotiator it was really no surprise that the sound production company grew so quickly, but communication would drain him, then, of course, there are the other emails he had to answer, he is just glad he could hear from his father, he understood though, it was the same with him, he enjoyed others company but his social battery just seemed to run out, he just couldn't talk anymore.

However, it's days like this he regrets asking his father to just email him, when the company was growing his father would constantly put him on hold because of projects they were working on or licensing agreements that needed his attention. They could be having an in-depth conversation about life and goals and in the middle of talking he would have to stop and answer a call from his secretary or some other business partner, he would run back and profusely apologise

"I'm sorry really had to take that— now yes you were thinking of doing... that's wonder— oh god I'm sorry... another one just hang on a second—"

It would get tiring.

"Father, let's just email... it'll be easier for both of us..."

His father's tone is filled with pensive melancholy, he can hear his miserable grin over the phone as he says "Okay..."

He missed hearing his father's voice, he missed the awful puns he'd make, he missed the casual talk. He missed having his father around.

He lives a comfortable lifestyle because of him, it would be selfish of him if he took him away from his work. He owes it to his father, he wasn't sure what would've happened to him if he didn't come back when he did. His father was the key point in how his life had changed.

His father was back home right before his birthday, it was always a rigorous time around December and January, he worked as an organiser for many big parties and auctions, this was about the time he was building up his agency for idols, regular singers, theatre troupes and voice actors, so his organiser job it was the perfect job, to seek out sponsors, his goal was simple, he wanted voice actors, idols and other recording artists to feel comfortable, he wanted them to not be overworked, to be treated well, sponsors were much more inclined to do deals in the months from November to mid-January, he was to spend the weekend at his grandmother's house, his uncle had just finished squeezing his chin pulling it upwards as he trembled slightly in fear as he told him if he is only to say he is fine, or he will in his words 'make sure he never talked again' there was nothing he could do his mother gave his uncle full disciplinary regard over him, his father always promised once he is finished with high school he would take him to away with him, he never questioned why his mother was not in the picture, she had made it clear she did not wish to see him.

He looks over at the side view mirrors of his uncle's car he sees the gradually fading black eye, he has hit it on a door... at least that's what he had thought His memory of it was blurred on how he had acquired it, he asks his aunt to which she shakily says "you hit it on the door love."

He is to be dropped off at his grandmother's house, he would have been there for the weekend right before his birthday, only to never go back until May, his grandmother gives him an inquisitive glance and asks the question

"Where did you get this Tsuya-chan?"

"I hit my face on the door"

"This doesn't look like that simple"

"Grandmother but I did, I did…I did…" He continuously insists he hit it, he feels it's wrong but it's all he could remember, he recalls an image like static of the door, he remembers crying, he remembers his aunt's bellowing treating the blotched area with an ice pack.

His grandmother would drop the questions and serve him a cake from the local bakery, she sticks the candles in it and begins chanting happy birthday, her voice no longer smooth but still it's the best thing he can possibly hear.

"Make a wish Tetsuya." She said "Remember it doesn't work if you say it aloud"

'I wish dad were here'

He hadn't expected anything, he was content with just his grandmother, but then he had heard it.

"Minami I'm home."

His breath hitches, his candles only half blown out.

"Minami?" he calls, he peers his head into the kitchen.

Tetsuya's eyes light up, his wish had come true his father was finally home, he runs to him and hugs his legs, and his father hoists him up and spins him, but suddenly he stops, he notices the black eye. He had never seen his father so serious.

"Tetsuya where did you get that?"

"I hit it on a door…"

"It's like someone punched you."

"It was on the door…knob"

"That is way too large of a mark to be a doorknob" he holds him by his shoulders "who did this to you."

He stumbles on his words, and his father's sombre eyes bore into him.

"Tetsuya, are you okay?"

He breaks.

That Saturday, his father would not stop probing him about his eye.

Sunday morning, he would tell his father what his uncle said to him, when dropping him off, it wouldn't take two or two to figure out who gave him the black eye and from there it was history. His grandmother would move and he would now only stay with his grandmother. He would never see that uncle again. The postscript made him want to cry, the mere fact that man could be making an appearance back into his life frightened him to the core.

"Good um, night…or is it morning…I honestly don't know Akashi-kun." His number one way of procrastinating, it would unexpectedly involve Akashi Seijuuro, well at least before their team went up in flames, "How are you?"

Both Akashi and Kuroko were not morning people, the only thing about them is they valued their reputation a lot more than their sleep, both would end up going to bed at what his grandmother would call 'the witching hours'

"Felt like procrastinating Kuroko?" he teased, it would be something he said every time they did these 'late night calls.' Of course, it was Akashi that initiated it one odd night in the three months they were working out Kuroko's addition of misdirection into his passes, he would receive a call, it was Akashi Seijuuro saying;

'I called because I wish to defy, my father and foolishly procrastinate, you may do the same, you may do the same with me as well, fellow night owls know each other, birds of a feather flock together is what they say.'

So of course, he said, "Yes."

Akashi hummed, it was sort of an honour student to diligent student thing, while it was true Kuroko had not actually tried on his grades, he still had a squeaky-clean record, perfect punctuality, was part of the library committee, never got into trouble, submitted his homework on time, he was almost the perfect student if not for his average grades, Akashi Seijuuro was the perfect student.

Akashi was his voice of reason at times if it wasn't for him challenging him at the end he thinks he would've lost his resolve.

"You know, sometimes I feel the urge to get into massive public scandals, not anything too… too bad just something that would be seen as weird…" He blurted out "I don't know… just do something while Toxic plays in front of my school, probably do the full dance to Hot Limit, I mean it is a classic after all, don't you think… Akashi-kun?"

He didn't need to see Akashi's face, his silence alone is enough for him to envision his ever so slightly agape lips, which would be the only hint of his bewilderment. When Akashi was to about to say something, Kuroko would accidentally cut him off.

"It's a foolish thought…, I know, besides… my mother would probably crucify me… it goes against her teachings."

Akashi's line was filled with almost complete silence, the only evidence he was there, was his soft steady breaths.

'Now you've done it Tetsuya, you're such a dumbass.' He inwardly swears, that Akashi was in complete shock and it was all his fault. He knows that shouldn't use Akashi like that, being a vent doll is the most awful thing one can do he knows yet he does it...

"I'm sorry Akashi-kun!" Kuroko exclaimed, "It's uh… getting late, goodnight."

He briefly hears Akashi call out as he lowered his phone from his ear to disconnect the call.

"Kuroko! Wait! Pleas—"

He doesn't, he switches off his phone, apologising even more in the solace of his bedroom.

"Kuroko, you good there bro?"

"I'm fine Kagami-kun really…"

"You look like shit…" Kagami pressed

"Thanks…" Kuroko kept deadpanned

Count on Kagami to lay it on real thick.

"Really Kagami-kun, I just stayed up late doing homework…"

" 'Aight"

He was not convinced Kuroko knew this by the wrinkle of his brow, the slight lip twitch, the overall droop in his eyes it was all saying 'If you say so…'

To his surprise, he didn't mess up, his drills, dead as a dodo but he made it through.

Kagami and Kuroko would go to Maji burger, he gave him some more song suggestions,

"Last time was pop this time it's punk rock, A.K.A. emo music well… uh It's not all emo stuff… ah well whatever." Kagami's grinned from ear to ear, with a hint of mischievousness to it, "We gotta get you outta that 'only know classical pieces and Vocaloid and arcade rhythm game music' fad."

"It's not a fad Kagami-kun…"

"Then what is it?"

"I- uh… anyways, what are the songs?"

Kagami brushed off his slight stutter, he didn't want to make Kuroko too uncomfortable.

"Well… you mentioned you have a Spotify account, so I sent you a link to it, there may be some songs not available 'cause region stuff, I don't know."

"Thank you, Kagami-kun…"

They ended the evening with him sipping away at his milkshake and scrolling through the playlist.

Friday was just one more day till the next group session, he was dreading it but somehow Kagami's playlist didn't allow him to hyper-focus on it too much.

He went to school, as usual, meeting Kagami at the halfway point.

"So what do you think?"

"I liked one of those songs… that was quite a build-up with the marching band drums and little chime then the transition to the normal drums and the cords of the guitar, then a rock song, the lyrics are nothing to sneeze at either…it fills me with…hope…"

"Whoa…that's the most I heard you talk in one instance… you really like music huh?" It was more of a rhetorical question, Kuroko couldn't help but notice the pleased look on Kagami's face.

"Yes, I do, but I didn't expect myself to fall in love with it so quickly, the lyrics just pull me in, and the way the narrator brings you in speaking of the high expectations of his father to the point, it drives him to feel he isn't enough… he acknowledges he's just a man, but that doesn't mean he is completely alright by the end…" by this time Kagami is left gaping they both of them stopped walking for a bit "But there's 'Famous Last Words' it feels… almost like a direct song to 'Welcome to the black parade'"

Kagami ruffled his hair, as Kuroko frowned.

"I'm sorry though…"

"What for?"

"I couldn't listen to Cancer."

Kagami, lightly chuckled grimly, "Don't worry about that, it's only there cause… uh… man how do I say this… my grandma… she uh passed away from cancer that song got me through it during middle school, with me not being there and all… it's so funny really… Tatsuya listened to the song way before me I never understood it until…"

"Oh…, I'm sorry Kagami-kun"

"Don't worry about it." He gave his signature 'basketball idiot' grin "I miss her a lot but, it's okay… I'm much happier now."

Kuroko hummed.

The mood had damped it was stifling, he couldn't breathe, his hands sweaty.

Tanya had taught him a trick.

Deep breaths

Focus on what you see.

He sees the wilted trees, the faintly snow-blanketed sidewalk, he sees Kagami.

Focus on what you can feel.

He can feel the winter breeze nipping at his nose.

He can feel his hands gradually becoming numb.

He can feel the warmth of a friend.

The sensation seemed to have calmed a bit, now to make a joke.

"I didn't think Kagami-kun would listen to that type of music..." he teases.

"Oi, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing I just never thought Kagami would listen to 'emo' music."

He clicks his tongue but ultimately sighs "Tatsuya introduced me to it he's what they'd consider a stereotype 'My Space' emo kid."

"Himuro-san?"

"Yeah… he used to say stuff like 'once an emo kid always an emo kid.'"

"Kagami-kun…"

"Yeah?" he asked

"I think the reason I'm so attached to music is probably because, my father he started off as a DJ actually, truth be told I do know other music but my father he owns a sound production company… I'm sorry, I just like to hear when people talk about the music they like… I'm sorry Kagami-kun I lied just a bit… but I do appreciate you sharing your music with me, there were some tracks there that I have never heard before. So thank you."

He looks up at Kagami, he stares at him in bewilderment but ultimately turns his face.

"Whatever…" Kagami mutters.

Kuroko can't help but crack a smile

.

He was attentive for most of his classes, something he was grateful for, considering he hadn't been paying much attention for most of the week.

They didn't have practice that day, Riko decided that it would be best if the team gets Fridays and weekends as rest days until the next Inter-high something he was now grateful for, he already had an anxiety attack at the group session last week the last thing he wanted to do was go to the upcoming session sore and dead tired.

Arriving home Haruka and his grandmother was sitting at the dinner table, which meant he did something wrong or his mother was being unreasonable.

His grandmother starts off with a sigh, "Tetsuya dear, welcome home, please… take a seat…"

He does what she asked only to be hit with a meteorite of news.

"Your mother requested my presence on Tuesday, I am to leave Sunday night…"

"Oh…" Kuroko was dumbfounded, to say the least. "I see… will you be able to go to Ogiwara-kun's funeral?"

"I… it will be a tight schedule but we can make it work…"

Kuroko hummed, he loves his grandmother, but truthfully he wishes she would just stay and defy his mother.

"Can't you stay?"

She sighs "I'm sorry… honestly Tetsuya… I wish but she already booked everything, the hotel, the flight, the well… everything…"

He swallows his sorrow, he nods "I understand"

He eats the plain rice and miso prepared for him and lain out on the table, he isn't sure if he ate it faster or slower, all he knows there is a part of him didn't want to eat it.

He didn't want to feel grateful

He didn't want to feel indebted.

He walks up to his room, closes and locks the door, he kicks the chair in his room and drops himself unto his bed, all that frustration he thought he released that Monday night, in Kise's presence bites at him again he muffles his sobs, he reaches for his phone to play whatever music he usually listened too.

It does nothing to calm him, he does what he does best, to make himself empty to feel something.

He does not like it, the agony of his throat and the bitterness of the stomach acid, the displeasure of it is what reminds him that he can still feel something.

He wakes up to a feeling that he could only describe as empty agitation.

Everywhere was sore, his eyes felt like being it would feel better if they could just be glued shut.

He looks at himself in the mirror of his closet… his skin looks sickeningly pale.

Breakfast had taste this time, it was mild, but it was there, his appetite on the other hand was a different story, rather it was filled with his displeasure and his sorrow.

His grandmother did not notice, she was busy trying to get her outfit and luggage together.

He was told that they wouldn't have time to change he was to dress in his formal wear and they would be heading to the funeral immediately after the therapy session.

"I know… there's something wrong with me…I know but… I'm scared…" he says.

"There's no need to be scared, you've been through your share of trauma, I am mostly concerned with your coping mechanism, you seemed to have prior knowledge about eating disorders at least... my focus from now onwards is to help you find healthy coping mechanisms and help you deviate from harmful coping mechanisms and refer you to someone if you do need prescriptions."

Kuroko's shoulders seemed to tense at the mention of prescriptions, Tanya notices this.

"I guarantee you I only work with psychiatrists that actually wish to see their clients better."

"How can I be so sure?" he asked "I've been through psychiatrists before, they don't usually care..." He gazes into her eyes. "How do I know?"

"Trust me...? If you do not like my methods or you aren't satisfied with me then you can always switch, you are not stuck with me were exposed to a side of psychology that I would not wish on my own enemies... I do ask of you to give me a chance I cannot guarantee your life will change completely... I can't tell you that you will feel better in a month or even a year, scars take time to heal. I am here for you to talk and to help you heal."

He thinks of no retort to that. He nods.

"I will try..."

Notes: Another apology I know I put this story on the back burner, I'm awful honestly I know, I started writing this other series and became so heavily invested in that while I had writer's block for this story. That other series is a bit darker than this (honestly that's probably why...) I wrote one story which was supposed to be a one-shot turned into full-out MidoTaka with Kise third-wheeling and investigating.

Either way, updates may be a bit slower cause well my grandmother.

I changed many things because I wrote that thing severely sleep deprived and when I read it after getting some good rest... I cringed... honestly Note to self: Don't write when running on 2 hrs of sleep.

Thank you if you've gotten this far you guys are amazing.