A/N: Hello everyone and welcome to this week's chapter! Last week's was very long, but I hope you all got to see some self reflection from Rem and get some nice ideas from it. This week we have a normal length chapter, so please enjoy! This is the final installment in the "Endless Eight" mini-arc. Next week we will begin one final short story that will occupy some time before the beginning of Arc 3, so please look forward to that!
Chapter 72: The Endless Eight - Finale
Quietly stepping down to the floor that most of the mansion's residents slept on, Rem and YN walked hand-in-hand to her own bedroom. Entering inside, Rem's blue curtains fluttered with a slight breeze as they stepped inside the room.
Rem: Please, have a seat on Rem's bed, she will shut the window.
Doing as she requested, YN planted himself on Rem's plush bed. Adorned in blue sheets, they were cool to the touch, and silky smooth. Unlike the covers on his own bed, these were of very high quality. Matching the hue of her curtains, it was a blue that was not unlike the color of her own hair.
Having shut the window, Rem turned on a few of the little crystal lamps she had in her room. With one slightly brighter on the opposite wall of them, and the two dim ones on each of her nightstands, the area was lit with a soft, yet warm light that reflected well off the fancy white walls with gold trim and ornate ceiling designs.
I don't think I've ever been inside her room when I could actually see.
Even though he felt like he knew Rem well, YN couldn't shake the feeling he had about seeing her room in such detail now. Seeing Rem's own quarters felt very, exotic in a way.
I mean, this is the closest representation of how Rem would decorate and arrange a house of her own, isn't it?
Somewhat lost in thought to only surprise himself at the prospect of one day living with Rem, what had finally snapped him back to the present was Rem laying her head on the bed next to where he sat.
While lost in thought, she had walked to the opposite half of the bed YN sat on, and in turn had also sat down. But going further, Rem laid on her back, finding herself perpendicular to the bed's length. With her head halfway across the bed, her legs still hung over as if still sitting.
Gently patting the area behind YN, she prompted him to mimic her. Letting his back fall to the bed, the two were now laying next to each other in opposite directions, yet their heads were close to one another.
But, due to differences in height, YN's head had wound up closer to her chest to his immediate peripheral vision. And with Rem's head ending up closer to his own chest as well, she had taken the opportunity to cozy up to it, drawing herself closer. As she did, the closest part of Rem's chest had pushed against the side of YN's face. They both had already shifted to the sides of Rem's chest as gravity would have them with her lying on her back, and with her clothes unable to offer much support in this position, the closest of her endowments had just ever-so-slightly rested its weight on the very side of YN's face.
YN: — — —
Looking as far down as his eye could permit, all he could see was Rem gently nuzzling her face against him.
I really can't say who's enjoying themselves more here...
As Rem gently rocked her head in comfort, the motions did slightly transfer to the rest of her body, letting her endowment remind YN where it was with each—
J-Jiggle!
Had it not been for their arms separating them completely, YN worried just how much he would have to be forced to endure in this.
Just as he had begun to worry, Rem had stopped.
Rem: YN-kun.
YN: Yeah?
Hearing her tone was somewhat serious, YN responded to her seriously as well, hoping to show her he was listening.
Rem: Rem was able to go back. All the way back.
Silent for a moment in reply, YN hadn't exactly understood what she meant.
YN: Uh, back till when I was born?
Rem: Fufu, not that far. But—
Having found his worried confusion amusing, Rem set about explaining herself.
Rem: Rem was able to go as far back as the very first loop of this ordeal.
Somewhat surprised to hear that, YN raised his eyebrows.
YN: That's not what I expected.
Rem: The same was true for Rem.
Holding her hand that was on the opposite side of YN up toward the ceiling, Rem seemed to be reaching for the sky as she went on.
Rem: Throughout it all, there were eight loops in total.
YN:' Eight...'
Upon hearing such a result, YN swallowed hard.
Eight whole loops?!
Remaining silent, Rem slightly lifted her head to get a better view at YN, prompting him to say his thoughts out-loud.
YN: Eight loops, and we can only recall two of them...
Rem: YN-kun can only recall two of them, as for Rem—
YN: Wait, that's right you said you could see the first one!
Dumbfounded he hadn't caught what she meant at first, he cleared his throat, queuing Rem to continue after he had interrupted her.
Rem: Yes. Rem was able to see what YN-kun saw in each of those loops.
YN: Even in the last one?
Rem: Yes. Even the last one.
Nuzzling closer to him more, Rem held him.
Rem: All our precious moments, even ones YN-kun does not recall, Rem has seen them, and felt them.
For once, YN was made to feel what it was like to be an observer, and to only be told what a memory was like. But knowing she had seen first hand what happened in the last loop that he himself actually experienced, a pang of guilt ran through his body.
YN: Then you must have seen how I died in the last one...
Rem: Yes. And how everything we have here, right now, is owed to the [Rem] who saved for us a future together when she herself was denied one with YN-kun.
YN: That's one thing we'll never know though, isn't it? Just how she did that...
With the guilt entering his voice, Rem placed her outstretched hand on YN
Rem: Whatever it was, Rem is thankful he was able to entrust it to [her].
Staying silent, YN mulled over his thoughts, wondering how Rem had judged his actions in any of these loops.
I never did anything that upset her, here and now, did I?
Unsure what to worry about, Rem cut off his dreadful thoughts.
Rem: Even in the very first loop, Rem was saving her YN-kun.
YN: I mean, I believe it. I wouldn't be anywhere without you...
Rem: Even before arriving in Saluzzo. Does YN-kun remember that pushy demi-human woman in the tavern of Costuul?
YN: The one who... tried to have her way with me?
Rem: Yes. YN-kun encountered her in the first loop, and things would have turned out very bad for him had Rem not intervened.
Gulping hard at the idea of Rem having to deal with a violated version of himself, she quickly changed the subject too, knowing he probably wasn't comfortable dwelling on such thoughts.
Rem: Rem is also afraid to say she may owe her finding him in that dark section of the tavern where he was in danger to a Witch Cultist of all people...
Somewhat confused by the term, YN had only recognized it from when Rem had spoke about—
YN: Wait. 'Witch Cultist.' Those were the same group of people who attacked your village when you were young, right?
Recalling her story of how she had ended up under Roswaal's care, that's where he'd heard it before.
Rem: Yes. An evil, evil group. And in that loop—
Hearing her voice become serious once more, embedded in her words was a tinge of hatred as well.
Rem: One had approached YN-kun. A man with sickly green skin and revolting fingernails.
Hearing her become more agitated as she went on, he could feel the hand she had on him begin to squeeze his clothes and tremble in anger.
Rem: They had the gall to offer YN-kun a gosp—, an opportunity to join them.
Having caught her own words, YN nonetheless understood Rem's rage, and made it his first priority to calm her heart, rather than question the word she had corrected.
YN: Rem, don't you worry, if I come across them, I'll be sure to—
Rem: No! You must run. Let Rem deal with any that may show us hostility. The Witch Cult is a very dangerous group... And if Rem lost anything more to them... if she lost YN-kun to them, she doesn't know what she'd do...
Deciding now wasn't the time to potentially get into a squabble over this, YN took the safe route, and tried to bring the discussion back to what Rem had hoped to discuss.
YN: I understand how you feel... But, regardless, everything turned out for the good and we're safe here now. So I have to ask, did anything else like the tavern visit occur more than once? Throughout all the loops I mean.
Rem: Yes, our first trip to Daniela-san's cafe.
Hearing her tone lighten up, he pressed for more positive memories from the loops only Rem was aware of now.
YN: Huh. Anything else?
Rem: Well, Rem is unsure how to describe it, but there was one thing that seemed to change no matter what we did.
YN: —?
Rem: YN-kun remembers how Rem chose a different outfit in our current time, compared to the last loop, correct?
YN: Yeah, I think you said you wanted extra movement of your legs if I recall correctly... I know we were all offered different outfits before choosing one... Did you always go with the first one?
Rem: Rem is afraid it's more complex than that. In every loop, she wore something different, and the same was always true of Emilia-sama, Subaru-kun, and YN-kun.
Thinking back, YN remembered his two memories of him selecting his yukata in Julio's building.
YN: They only gave me and Subaru three options, and both times they were all different as well...
Rem: Rem can only assume it was the same for Emilia-sama and her as well.
YN: That... is really odd, isn't it?
As they both remained silent for a moment, they each contemplated how such a variable could be changed each time.
If we get such weirdly random 're-rolls' on any future Returns, that could pose a really big problem for how me and Subaru deal with them...
YN: But wait... what about the masks you would choose at the festival? From what I remember as well, you chose something different both times as well.
Rem: Rem can only assume that was in direct influence of what she chose to wear. What remains is the root change of why different outfits were offered each time.
YN: Well, could it be just like the mask choice then? What we were offered was a result of a more indirect influence. Maybe it had to do with what we had done before arriving in Saluzzo?
Putting her hand down to her chin, Rem contemplated that idea.
Rem: It is most difficult to imagine a way our actions could influence what Julio-sama's stylists had offered us... Rem cannot fathom the chain of events that could cast our choices so far ahead and end up having such a result. That would mean every little thing we did differently while in Costuul would have shaped those choices...
YN: All the way back to the first loop and the things that happened differently there...
Rem: Oh! That reminds Rem!
Choosing to cast off the problem of contemplating the near impossible, Rem had a sudden burst of enthusiasm. Recalling one key thing she had meant to discuss with YN, Rem raised her hand up once more, and held it suspended over their two bodies.
Rem: Please, hold it.
Caught off guard by how cutely Rem was offering her hand, he obliged, but knew from the way she asked there was more to this.
YN: Uh, sure.
Taking her delicate hand into her own, he could feel how small it was compared to his own. While they were soft, they still had a tinge of roughness to them, the result of her labors as the head maid.
Maybe she moisturizes them? Or maybe it's a kind of healing magic that keeps them so soft and—
Rem: Did YN-kun not understand Rem?
YN: O-Oh, sorry.
Having lost himself in thought again, this time from Rem's hand and how unique and special it felt, just as she was to him, YN focused on what she had to say.
Rem: In our first loop, YN-kun had transferred mana to Rem over touch like she had for him when he passed out after first trying magic.
Confused, YN questioned why she was bringing this up.
YN: Yeah I remember that time... I recklessly used up all my mana and you stayed by my side and slowly replenished it. But, why would I need to transfer mana to you? Can't you use your horn to pull it out of the air if needed?
Rem: Yes, but YN-kun's intention wasn't to give Rem mana she needed, but rather to warm her up from the cold.
Thinking of the worst, YN was reminded of where and how it could get so cold he would need to try and pass mana to Rem for warmth.
YN: Don't tell me, was it when Puck would... ya know...
Rem: Destroyed the world? No. It was when Rem was soaked from the rain in Costuul.
YN: Ah. I see.
Having been reminded of what Puck was capable of, they each remained silent in thought.
For such a terror to be just a few walls away from us...
The power needed to destroy the world... He is referred to as the Great Spirit-sama for a reason.
Rem: There was... also another terrible thing Rem had to witness...
Gently caressing his held hand, Rem continued.
Rem: In that very same loop, Rem had seen her YN-kun be fully engulfed by that crystal's violet light. And...
As if struggling to say the words, he could take an educated guess at what she was going to say.
YN: 'I forgot you.' That's what you were going to say, isn't it?
Only being able to feel Rem's head nod "yes" as she laid it upon his chest, he tried his best to console her.
YN: I'm sure that wasn't easy to watch...
He could only imagine the grief [Rem] could have been experiencing as that happened. Unknown to each of them at the time, neither of them could have guessed if memory loss would carry over upon Return By Death.
And in truth, they still didn't truly know. For YN and Subaru were still opposite cases. As one had fortunately had this effect interrupted, and the other did not.
Hoping to bring that up more with Rem while they spoke here, it would need to wait, as the blue haired maid was still in need of support.
Rem: There was one thing that warmed Rem's heart though, through the icy death we shared as the world ended.
Surprised to hear there was a silver lining to this, he let Rem continue.
Rem: When YN-kun had seen his Rem for the first time all over again, just like he had upon his very first arrival in the mansion, he—
Feeling Rem squeeze the hand of his she still held, she concluded her retelling.
Rem: —Despite her being a demon, YN-kun still saw an angel in his Rem.
Hearing her shed what he assumed were a few tears, he could feel her wipe them as she went on.
Rem: Rem is just... overjoyed, that no matter what, her YN-kun will always come back to her. He'll always be drawn to her.
That's reassuring for me too.
There was a distinct comfort they each felt knowing that there was some underlying constant to their connection to each other.
Holding her hand tighter in response, YN tried to show her that he was relieved at the same conclusion. Lightly running his thumb across the side of her held hand, Rem shook her head.
Rem: Oh, that's right— our hands.
Trying to reset her composure, Rem rubbed her face dry on YN's chest, and cleared her throat to change her tone.
Rem: Would YN-kun be willing to see if he is able to transfer mana to Rem right now? Just as she had seen him do before?
YN: Yeah, I'll give it a go. Why not?
Holding her hand more gently, he concentrated on sending mana from his Gate, down his arm, and into his palm. Feeling it pool up there, YN knew this had to be different then just casting a spell like Jiwald.
I have to move this mana out of my body, and into hers.
Feeling a taught bit of pushback, he slowly creeped his mana toward what felt like an elastic container, a flexible barrier that was giving resistance. Picturing in his mind a nurse giving a patient an injection, he used that example to control his mana entering into Rem.
Out of my skin, through her skin, into her body...
Slowly, tension was released. As the warmth transferred to her hand, the flow of mana began with a trickle, and then a constant, yet controllable flow.
Rem: Hmm~.
Hearing her react, and unsure how she was taking it, YN cut off the flow, but as the mana retreated back up his arm, it was met by a pang of pain.
YN: —Tch.
As the warmth faded, Rem questioned its absence.
Rem: Oh, Rem had hoped YN would continue to pour himself into her. It was quite enjoyable~.
Rem... Word! Choice!
Turning a shade of red at his own implication, the backlash he was feeling had taken the refreshing aspect of his recent nap away.
YN: Is that supposed to be a taxing technique?
Rem: It's more that it's a rather advanced one, given YN-kun's recent introduction to magic. The fact he can do it in the first place is tremendous, Rem is very proud of him. But, as to why it feels like so much...
YN: There's another reason?
Gently nodding "yes" on his chest again, Rem prepared to inform him of another shocking development she had seen in his memories.
Rem: Does YN-kun remember Beatrice-sama saying she had formed a contract with him in vain to defeat Leo?
YN: Vaguely. I was more worried about other things at that moment I guess. I never thought about it more.
Rem: Well, Rem was able to see it...
YN: It doesn't sound like it was good.
Rem: It was... insightful. If only to see what YN-kun was capable of.
YN: — — —
Staying silent in reply, YN was still intrigued by the idea of him in a contract with Beatrice.
That's like Puck and Emilia... But me and Beatrice?
Looking at his same hand that he had just given mana to Rem with, his mind fluttered with questions and ideas. But, before he could ask any of them, Rem spoke up once more.
Rem: Beatrice-sama had a lot to say about YN-kun's condition with mana and his potential.
YN: Does it have to do with my Gate?
Rem: More or less. She did comment that your Gate was stretched, just like Emilia-sama is already aware of. Beatrice-sama concluded this is why YN-kun probably has such a large reserve of mana.
Confused at the Spirit's conclusion, YN questioned it.
YN: 'Large reserve of mana?' Then why is it whenever I cast El Jiwald I pass out afterwards? Or at least shortly after? I can't even go a few normal Jiwald's before getting winded. But you and Emilia can just keep casting magic left and right.
Rem: YN-kun forgets both Rem and Emilia-sama are able to pull additional mana from around us. As well as Subaru-kun's single Shamak being enough to render him in a similar shape as YN-kun after an El Jiwald.
She does have me there...
Rem: Beatrice-sama made a distinct mention that YN-kun had an issue with how efficiently he used his mana though. Perhaps the boon that is your Od being able to hold more mana than most is countered by the penalty that is the stretched Gate.
YN: What do you mean?
Rem: One's Od cannot be grown or improved. They are born with it in a settled state. And while the same can be said for a Gate, the user can at least learn to control it better, and only allow the needed mana required to be spent.
Taking his hand, Rem concluded her explanation.
Rem: While YN-kun boasts very good control of his mana once it leaves his gate, from what Rem has heard from Beatrice-sama and seen for herself—
Spreading his fingers wide with her own hand as if comparing their sizes, it mimicked how his hand would be while casting Jiwald.
Rem: —YN-kun does indeed struggle with how much mana he releases.
YN: And I take it not all of that released mana gets translated into the magic I'm casting, right?
Rem: It does get lost, yes.
Putting a hand over where he imagined his Gate was on his abdomen, YN tried to understand it better.
YN: I guess it's like a big tea pot with a wide mouth. I can hold and pour lots of tea at once—
Rem: —But if asked to fill a cup, he'll pour too much—
YN: —And spilt tea is wasted tea.
Remaining silent for a moment, mulling over his own shortcoming, YN eventually grumbled.
YN: If only whatever happened at the loot house hadn't happened...
With both of them being familiar seeing Reinhard summon a great amount of mana in his attack against Elsa, it had been then when YN had suffered from what was definitely mana exhaustion.
Rem: While Rem has never heard of the Sword Saint's abilities affecting anyone like that... Spirits on the other hand, they would suffer if too close.
YN: Well, I'm no little gray cat or shut-in librarian, so I think we can rule that one out.
Rem: Hehe, very true.
Finding comfort in YN lightening the mood, Rem gave the last part of her thoughts on this.
Rem: Perhaps the Great-Spirit-sama and Emilia-sama know something, with as often as she asks about YN-kun's Gate.
YN: She does ask me if I notice any changes, but I never know what those changes are.
Rem: And neither would Rem.
At an impasse, YN thought he should bring something else up.
YN: Oh... About Beatrice though...
Rem: Yes?
Unsure how to say it, YN fumbled with his words, feeling his throat go dry with guilt.
YN: You saw... in the last loop... how we—
Rem: —Betrayed her. Yes.
Being as blunt as she could be about it, YN winced at the usage of such a strong word, yet—
She's not wrong.
YN: — — —
Staying silent for a moment more, neither of them said a word. Either they were waiting for the other to say something to set the president on how they'd view and handle their actions, or they were afraid to be in conflict with one another.
After much internal fretting through, Rem was the first to speak back up.
Rem: In the beginning, Rem was upset with Beatrice-sama.
Huh?
Unsure what angle Rem was taking on this, YN patiently let her prattle off her thoughts.
Rem: Rem was upset she did not tell us immediately after finding out. For someone who boasts their own mental fortitude as the Librarian of an esteemed archive, to falter so many times and having to be torn down emotionally to finally seek the help of those already directly involved... It's ludicrous.
Hearing Rem's tone firm up, and become determined, it continued with a crescendo of seriousness as she went on.
Rem: But once she saw the contract between both YN-kun and Beatrice-sama... Rem could not have been more angry.
He could hear Rem holding herself back. She wanted to yell, lash out, let those responsible hear her Wrath.
Rem: To see YN-kun be used as nothing more than a tool... unable to be supported and forced to keep it from Rem by consequences he could not have foreseen in the contract...
Feeling her grip his hand tightly throughout her rant, it suddenly loosened up, much like her tone.
Rem: And yet... Here we both are. Carrying the greater of the sins we committed against each other. In the end, Beatrice-sama confessed. She wished to repent so badly she would throw her own life away. That's why Rem has ended up not knowing what to think or feel...
That's right, she viewed all of this chronologically...
Understanding now why Rem had voiced it this way, YN heard her continue with remorse in her voice.
Rem: It was YN-kun who told Rem we do these things because they aren't permanent. Because they can be redone. That we do it to secure a future not only for ourselves, but for those we also hold dear.
Shaking her head, she cast off any doubt she believed YN might have growing in his mind.
Rem: —And while Rem fully sees in, and believes in what her YN-kun said...
Pleading almost in her voice, she levied her point.
Rem: How can Rem hope to ever one day forgive herself for her actions when she cannot steadily say she could forgive others for theirs?
In other words, how could she hope to live with her own actions, if she could not do the same if someone did that to her?
Hoping to resolve Rem's emotions, YN cleared his throat, and spoke his own thoughts as well as he could.
YN: Then maybe... it's useless to try and justify it. Maybe the real challenge isn't trying to find a way to be okay with it.
Watching as bits of dust danced around in the light being illuminated by the crystals, he went on.
YN: Perhaps, the easiest and most painless thing to do, is to accept what we did... was wrong.
Somewhat surprised to hear him change his view so abruptly, Rem let him go on without a sound of her own to interrupt him.
YN: No one lives their life without hurting someone or being hurt by others. You were hurt by the Witch Cult. I was hurt by you, at one point. Beatrice hurt me and you, and we hurt Beatrice. And I at one point condemned a dear friend, Subaru, to death. The one person he's supposed to be able to trust, since to him, no one else can know what we know. I backstabbed him, and still keep secrets from him...
Bringing the topic back in, YN held Rem's hand tightly.
YN: We all have our sins. It's pointless to try and pretend we aren't without it, that somehow we're unsullied. The most we can do, is forgive for our own sake, and do our best not to drown in them.
Taking a deep breath YN drove home his point.
YN: Which, that last part there, given our position, is far easier said than done. But also given what we have, our promises to each other... Rem, I'll always be here to help you carry those sins.
Rem: And Rem will shoulder any burden for her YN-kun.
YN: Then let's again, start from zero. Let's not forget what we've done, but rather become stronger by not repeating them. We'll make use of every opportunity we have to do the right thing. And that if we do struggle, one of us will be there for the other, to pick up the pieces and put everything back together.
Swallowing his pride and anxiety, YN finished.
YN: Let's just... do what we can. Okay?
Sitting up, Rem swept her feet across the bed and moved so she was laying the same way as him. Wrapping her arms around and underneath him, she held him tightly. Whispering into his ear, Rem spoke.
Rem: Rem is very thankful to have her YN-kun.
Sitting back up, Rem faced him with her legs crossed in the middle of the bed. Also having enough of lying down, YN sat up as well and mimicked Rem, facing her directly, and reaching out for her hands.
Rem: There is one last thing she is curious about though—
Offering her hands, palm up, YN took them in his palms, forming a small "bridge" between their crossed laps as their knees touched.
Rem: Why was YN-kun so hesitant to be Emilia-sama's second? He's normally very supportive to everyone around him... Rem finds the conclusion very odd.
Hallway expecting this to come up, he tried to justify it to Rem.
YN: I guess it's kind of in the name, isn't it? 'Second.'
Tilting her head, Rem inquired what he meant.
YN: Being her 'second' means I'm putting her first, doesn't it?
Rem: One could summarize that, yes.
YN: See? That's the problem. I can't put anyone but you first.
Rem: But it would only be for when she speaks. Rem doesn't mind.
YN: I do though. Rem, I know you struggle to put yourself first when you have to, so please, let me be the one to always have you first. I don't want it to be anyone else.
Feeling her heart melt, Rem sighed.
Rem: It's unavoidable then. While Rem would think Emilia-sama would benefit greatly from having YN-kun's support, it seems Rem is forced to monopolize his affection.
YN: I wouldn't have it any other way.
Sharing a kiss, the two sealed their decision.
Coming apart, YN couldn't hold back his yawn.
YN: It is getting late...
Rem: Yes, it is. Would YN-kun like to rest here with his Rem?
YN: And risk an assuming Nee-sama?
Rem: —... Perhaps Rem should wait to offer again until Nee-sama and Roswaal-sama need to leave on business again.
Seeing her turn red, YN knew Rem must have seen the memory where Ram had assumed the couple was expecting. Giving her a headpat, YN tried to loosely comfort her.
YN: Well, look at it this way, you can at least be happy you didn't have to actually live that moment and that Nee-sama won't remember it.
Rem: Hmm, speaking of remembering?
YN: Hmm?
Turning her head up mid-pat, Rem's curiosity was obviously peaked by something.
Rem: Does YN-kun ever intend to tell Subaru-kun about these loops? What if... eventually he does remember for himself? Wouldn't that be very hard to explain?
As it stood now, Subaru knew nothing. He had never seen the consequences of Emilia dying. He had never remembered Beatrice coming along on the trip. He had never even seen Leo or knew about Julio's involvement.
And most importantly, other than him not knowing anything, Beatrice was kept in the dark about everything by never allowing her to look into YN's memories.
YN: I'm doubtful he'll ever remember. It took such a specific circumstance for me to remember.
Recalling the light only briefly enter his eyes, fractions of a second before being pulled into the Al Shamak of Beatrice's creation, YN knew he was extremely lucky to have it happen as it did.
YN: What does worry me though, is that since you were able to see them, that means those memories are physically in my head. There still lies a potential of them being released, but I think as time goes on, it's less and less likely.
Rem: Rem understands that YN-kun and Subaru-kun keep their memories after they... Return, but why were their minds and memories still not lost when they returned?
YN: An even better question might be why wasn't the memory scrambling undone upon Return? I think I have an idea on why, but as you know, things in this world don't work like they did in my old one.
Rem: Rem is still curious what YN-kun thinks.
Taking a large sigh and moving to sit on the edge of the bed, YN started where he thought was the most logical. Raising his hands up, YN gestured to the entire room.
I can't really use anything 'tech' related to explain this, so I gotta think pragmatically.
YN: Let's say, this entire mansion is my own body. And the study, with all the books in it, is the part of my mind that holds my memories. They're all written down in those books. Every new memory is a new book.
Moving to sit next to him, Rem looked on with wonder as she watched him explain.
YN: Now, picture someone breaking into the mansion, and taking all my memories, and scattering them everywhere. And then for good measure, they also burned the mansion down, or in other words, they kill me.
Rem: It makes very little sense to damage what one intends to destroy though.
YN: That's beside the point, anyway—
Seeing Rem had a point in his analogy, YN continued anyway since the idea still fit.
YN: We know Returning puts the preserved mind back into the body of the past. But—
Putting his hands on his head, he intentionally messed up his hair.
YN: Returning a scrambled mind back to the old body isn't good. So it does the next best thing. It takes whatever was physically remembered or in other words, the exact way the mansion's study was before at the moment in time we Return to. Now tell me Rem, if my memories are books, what would that newly recreated study lack?
Rem: All of the books holding memories of after that point in time.
Giving the oni a head pat, YN praised her correct answer.
YN: Bingo.
Rem: But—
Overcoming her own self satisfaction from the praise, Rem found what she believed was a flaw.
Rem: —then wouldn't the memories that are lost and away also cease to exist?
YN: That's the other part. Those books are still in the mansion. The force that Returns us doesn't have a record of those books in my mind at the point in time we Return, so it doesn't recreate them if it has to rebuild the mind. Instead, they're still just scattered, hidden about.
Rem: Hmm...
Seeing she wasn't convinced, he approached it from another angle.
YN: Okay, think of it this way. Every loop is a volume of memories rather. We've, or rather I've had... six returns in total, from before all this happened. Meaning, you know of six total volumes in this series in the study, or rather my mind and its memories.
Standing up in front of Rem, YN mimicked like he was sweeping using an imaginary broom.
YN: Imagine suddenly you found a volume while cleaning, and you didn't just stumble upon it. Somehow, you accidentally did something big, like, uhhh, knocking a hole in the wall!
Going over and pretending to thump a hole in the wall with the fake broom handle, YN awaited Rem's response.
Rem: Umm, but Rem would be more careful than to casually make a mistake like that...
Snapping his fingers at her, Rem had answered just how he had hoped she would.
YN: That's the important part. You doing something like that would be the watershed moment that would be needed to discover one of the scattered books or memories. Just how it was when Beatrice's Al Shamak was at just the right time to preserve most of my memories.
Nodding her head, that seemed to make sense to Rem.
YN: Anyway, back to that hole you just created, where you found another volume inside. It's volume fourteen. What does that tell you?
Rem: That there are seven other volumes missing, potentially also hidden in very hard to find places.
YN: Exactly. If you hadn't ever found that volume, what reason would you ever expect others existed? And if there's something, anything that no one knows exists, can you truly say it exists at all?
Putting a hand to her chin, the blue haired maid failed to come to any answer.
YN: Anyway, to put it more simply, what the crystal did to mine and Subaru's mind was physical. The memories remained, and were rebuilt, but the connections to any memories after a Return weren't restored due to a technicality of it being something physical, and the fact that Returns undo anything physical.
Taking a deep breath, YN concluded his point.
YN: Without a doubt, we know the memories are there. It just takes something big or really specific to rebuild that first connection to them is all.
Taking her hand away from her chin, Rem understood, more or less, what he was trying to convey.
Rem: Our greatest hope should be that Subaru-kun does not come across any reason to try and remember what he cannot.
Nodding in agreement to Rem's summary, YN had a deep yawn forced out of him. Feeling the weight of his eyelids grow, Rem could see the fatigue in him.
YN-kun did just wake up from his nap, but it is obvious the memory search is taxing even for him.
Standing, the blue haired maid worked her arms under his and gave him a hug. Returning it, he felt Rem move one of her arms up and begin to reach for the back of his hair and begin to run her fingers through it.
Rem: Rem believes it may be time to call it a night.
Agreeing since it was so late, YN kissed the oni on her forehead.
YN: Yeah, you've been through a lot today. But I can stay here until you fall asleep if it helps comfort you and—
Rem: No, please allow Rem this one final, selfish request.
YN: Wha—? Rem, it would be a bother to walk back to my room and then back to your own.
Rem: It was more of a bother that Rem did not get to enjoy watching her YN-kun peacefully slumber before he woke up from his nap in the Forbidden Library.
YN: —? Uhh...
Feeling a powerful sensation grow within his head, the magic Rem was using as she caressed the back of his head was the same exact kind she had used to put him to rest earlier. Having his ability to stand give out, Rem caught him as her arms remained under his own. Gently setting him down to his knees, she now looked down at him, their height difference now being very close to being swapped from how it had just been before.
Rem: Goodnight, YN-kun.
YN: Goodnight... Rem...
As his vision became more squinted and less clear as slumber approached, YN could feel more words at the tip of his tongue. Watching as the smiling beacon of kindness slowly became a blur of azure, a familiar emotion swelled in his heart, but where he felt this before, he couldn't quite remember.
I feel like this came from one of the memories I had, but iI just can't recall it...
With a dwindling consciousness, his mouth moved on it's own, sleepily slurring his words.
YN: Rem, I think I—...
Rem: Shhhhh...
Pursing his lips with her delicate finger, Rem let the one who held her heart peacefully be whisked away to pleasant dreams, silencing what could have been the most important thing he'd ever said to her.
Seeing he was fully asleep, Rem adjusted the way she held him, and picked him up in her arms. Dimming all but one of the lights in her room, Rem departed to set YN back into his own bed.
One day, Rem will not have to entertain the idea of separate bedding for the two of us.
Proceeding down a dark hallway, Rem's vision remained clear, but in her mind, the image she had of her own feelings, just like YN's was for himself, was blurry.
'... Love—...'
This word echoed in her mind once more as she carefully walked down the dark hallway.
Looking upon his resting face, Rem wished to have him guide her feelings. She simply wanted to say the word and have him figure out the rest, to help her understand where she was.
But at the same time—
Should Rem ever say it aloud, it may overburden YN-kun...
With her mind once again returning to this subject, Rem's new found self resolve struggled with her self doubt.
YN-kun has put up with so much already... and we have each other... but Rem cannot say for certain if that's what he truly wants out of this...
Moving his hair ever so slightly as she reached his room, Rem concluded her thoughts.
YN-kun's deepest feelings are an enigma to Rem... For everything possible to have worked against his feelings for her, he still cares as deeply as he does...
Despite her resolve, there was still something even greater for it to overcome then even her self doubt—
Rem is simply guilty of too much for those feelings of his to ever blossom into love.
Her own guilt.
Laying him down and tucking him in, Rem still gently smiled down at him despite the pain in her own heart.
Rem can at least count on moments like these.
To Rem, if she can still have these precious times and talks with YN, it would be just enough to keep her maiden heart fluttering, free from being frozen once more.
Like two sparrows in a hurricane, if she could just hold onto him, she could go on.
For her, this was enough.
For Rem, it was just enough.