Jebest4781: This was great and I'm all for Athena having a few extra girls added into the relationship. Key word few.
Asides from that, would be fun if we end up seeing Claptrap in the story to make things really funny
NeoNazo356: I hear you on the "few", but it isn't going to be so cut-and-dry.
As for Claptrap… I'm thinking on it. I'm trying to think of a way to realistically incorporate him, but since Hyperion isn't an intergalactic mega-corporation like in the Borderlands Canon, his "backstory" would be markedly different.
Blaze1992: Well that was cute also a little disturbing but mostly cute.
Hmm you know he's right he does need more friends though wonder if those should be OC's who could back him up in a fight?
NeoNazo356: Well, Gaige was slapped on a Wanted Poster for "Excessive Adorability"; that on top of "Creation of Unauthorized Technology" netted her a bounty of $820,000,000,000 space-bucks. That's more than thirty-two thousand times the bounty of the most-wanted terrorist in recent history.
I do have some male friends planned for him. One's already been alluded to way back when, another is from the DC Universe but will be quite unexpected. He does have other male acquaintances, but hasn't had the chance to actively hang out with them between all the comic book shenanigains.
vmage2: What is a "two percenter" and which universe does it come from?
NeoNazo356: A "Two Percenter" is from Metal Gear. It's a mental classification for a person who "won't hesitate" when the need to kill someone arises. They can still feel guilt over it later, but their brain won't "stall" like an "ordinary" person would.
Arnold (Guest): Arnold:A little bit off-topic but funfact (but not fun for the nanosuit users), a Ceph Hunter on Lingshan killed Aztec and Jester due to it mistaking them for another Ceph Exo-Suit (the nanosuit is basically a Ceph Exo-Suit made for human use) and tried to "interface" with them which did not work out both times. If Virgil encountered a ceph hunter of the Lingshan iteration then would you say it might try "interfacing" with him?
NeoNazo356: Well, unlike Prophet and the others, by the time the events of Crysis occur, Virgil will be aware he's wearing a Ceph Exo-Suit. "Hargreave may've swapped out the chrome and filed off the serial numbers" as it were, but at the very least Virgil will know about the Ceph.
Whether he takes part in the events of Crysis, or even if the events of Crysis happen the same way they did in the Canon, is still up in the air. Because stuff like Metal Gear, DC, and Marvel (amongst many others) are being thrown into the mix, just because you know about certain storylines doesn't mean you can necessarily "predict" how things will go down with so many Variables in the mix.
alstao: Is this gonna be a harem fic?
Just curious...
NeoNazo356: It won't be so-straightforward. It'll be a bit of a "slow burn" to the romance angle's inevitable destination to be honest.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
Kansas Highway
November 20, 08:56 CST
"Ugh… What?" Virgil asked as he blinked his eyes open, finding himself on the pull-out couch, the RV rumbling underneath him as the scenery rushed by outside the window. "Huh… Must've nodded off," he must've mumbled off. "How'd I even get here?"
"Oh, Brick picked the two of you up by the scruffs of your necks like a couple of kittens and put you in bed," Lilith chuckled, a mirthful smile on her face from her place at the table.
"Ah. So that's what happened," Virgil nodded as he let his eyes droop shut again, only for orbs of crimson to snap open. "Wait, two of us?"
"Shhh~ Don't worry, baby. I'll take good care of you~" a recently-familiar voice purred, a warm body rolling over in bed next to him and pressing budding curves into his back, a slender arm and thigh draping over his body from beneath the covers.
"AIIIIGH!" Virgil yelped as he rolled away from the red-head in bed with him, rolling out of the bed and landing in a heap on the floor.
"Nnngh… Not so rough babe… I'm still sore from last night…" Gaige groaned as she turned over in her sleep, oblivious to Virgil's plight.
"Guys. First: WHAT?!" he hissed in a whisper as he got to his feet. "Second: THE FUCK!?" he hissed in another whisper as he flattened his clothes.
"Well, Roland and I were still sleeping in, and it wasn't like Brick had anywhere else to put you two," Lilith chuckled.
"I just want to go on the record to say, I was not okay with this."
"C'mon, Roland, don't be such a stick in the mud. That look on his face was funny and you know it," Brick chuckled, sitting comically-large behind the wheel; so much so to the point that he had to stick his left elbow, and shoulder, out the window just so he could fit.
"Mmmgh… Come back to bed, sweetie. Gaige hasn't gotten her snuggles yet…" Gaige snored softly, rolling over again and grouping the air where he used to be.
"Ugh… It's going to be a long, looooong day…" Virgil groaned, feeling a migraine coming on.
BS Limit: 5%
*TAKE ME HOME~*
Cue - Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas
After that sobering wake-up call, while Virgil let Gaige catch up on her sleep from when they'd talked into the night about everything and nothing-at-all, the Fortune Hunters caught him up to speed on what he'd missed.
Since they were more or less on a "road trip", the Fortune Hunters decided to get the lay of the land while they were in Kansas, America's "Bread Basket". While the two teens were still asleep, the Fortune Hunters took a waltz through Boot Hill, getting pictures of the old storefronts and anything interesting before the road called them back east. Next stop was going to be the Botanica: Wichita Gardens in the capital.
Assuming they didn't stop at the town of Smallville along the way, which was the then-current topic of debate just before Virgil had woken up.
"Smallville?" Virgil said with a raised brow. "Isn't that place nothing but a giant Superman tourist trap?" he asked skeptically. Aside from the concentration of Superman paraphernalia, Smallville didn't really have much else going for it; far as he knew at least.
"It's more than that. After the meteor shower back in '78, the area surrounding Smallville became the world's main source of Kryptonite ore," Roland explained.
"Also, since Superman's interview revealed that he came to Earth back in '78, it's speculated that Smallville is actually where he first landed," Lilith added.
"Just because some of the debris from Superman's dead planet just happened to land in Smallville in the same year Superman claims to have arrived, doesn't automatically mean that's where he landed," Virgil huffed dismissively.
"The Smallville Board of Tourism would contest that argument," Lilith said in turn.
"It's not just the Kryptonite that leads people to assume Superman landed in Smallville. During the 90s, various superhuman feats were performed by an unknown individual all across that county. Superman's never claimed responsibility for what happened back then, but then again he's never gone out of his way to deny it either," Roland shrugged. "It could just be that he isn't confident in his ability to maintain the lie; or if it really was someone else, either another Alien, Meta, or Mutant, he's choosing to leave the matter ambiguous if he's protecting the anonymity of a third party."
"Pass."
"Hey uh, kid. You're just one vote. Just because you say 'no' doesn't automatically mean-"
"You assholes dragged me across Vegas and made me your god-damned getaway driver before that, and before that hot mess you used me as live bait for a haunted god-damed muscle car. If I say we aren't going to 'Superman Central', we. Aren't. Going."
"That's… fair," Roland admitted. "Besides, I guess it would be a little out of our way."
"Thank you," Virgil sighed.
Following that, the Fortune Hunters' RV made its way to Wichita as originally planned, Gaige rousing from her slumber halfway between the time Virgil woke up and the Botanica.
"Wait, we're passing Smallville?" Gaige gaped, once she was caught up to speed.
"Why so disappointed? You a fan of Superman?" Vincent asked.
"It's not that. It's just… How often am I going to be around prime Kryptonite real-estate?" the girl genius whined.
"If you wanna look at some Kryptonite, I got some right here," Mordecai said drawing out a black lead-lined box and opening it up, a fluorescent neon-green light filling the cabin causing Gaige's now-wide eyes to sparkle.
"AAUUUGH! MORDY! WHAT THE FUCK?!" Vincent shrieked as he leapt into the dining room and bowled the man over, his hands snapping the lead-lined box closed as soon as physically possible. "Mordy! Where the fuck'd you even get something like this!?" he demanded with a finger pointed accusing ly at the box.
"Bloodwing picked it up at the Dam after that concrete chick dropped it. Isn't that right, girl?" he asked scratching the bird's chin, Bloodwing cooing sweetly.
"Okay. Second question. WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU!?"
"Waddya mean?"
"What do I- What do you mean 'Waddya mean'? This shit's radioactive! You don't just go opening shit like this in an enclosed space!"
"Well, none of us are Kryptonian, so I don't see the problem."
"Actually, Kryptonite Poisoning affects everyone, it isn't only Kryptonians. Superman just gets it a lot worse than we do," Gaige stated in turn. "Why do you think they started lining boxes holding Kryptonite in lead?"
"Oh… Well, there goes using this for a kick-ass night light," Mordecai shrugged.
"Actually, you still could use it for a night light, but then it might make you glow in the dark," Brick hummed with a serious expression on his face.
" . . . I'm surrounded by idiots," Virgil thought to himself aloud.
BS Limit: 11%
Arriving at the Botanica Gardens, which encompassed about 17 acres, the Fortune Hunters and tag-alongs went in to both explore and stretch their legs. Lilith dragged Roland along to "smell the roses" both literally and metaphorically, with Brick running off to the Shakespeare garden to listen to people recite Shakespeare.
The mountain of muscle would be sorely disappointed.
Mordecai had to haul ass because Bloodwing snatched up an occupant of the Koi Pond Pavilion, leaving Virgil and Gaige to traipse about through the Butterfly Garden by their relative lonesome. The butterflies were quite colorful, and even alighted onto the two teens' fingers. The only thing that really interrupted the tranquility was Mordecai hauling ass because of the thing with the koi pond.
Well… That and some wannabe D-List villain choosing that time and placce to make their debut.
"You human beings, nothing but mere murderers!" some weirdo hippie covered in green body-paint and underwear made of flowery shrubbery and flowers in his unkempt hair proclaimed with what was presumably a fertilizer bomb held above his head. "You fill your bellies with us, use us to cover your skins, hack our bodies with your blades, dismembering fruit from the vine! Do you even know the names of your victims?!"
BS Limit: 19%
Suffice it to say, Virgil wasn't willing to let go very far in his scheme, no matter how pathetic-looking they were.
A wrench from Gaige's tool belt to the face was more than enough to end that little charade.
Following this epic disaster the Fortune Hunters stopped in the capital of Kansas, Topeka, to go to the Evel Knievel Museum.
Because apparently you had to go there if you passed through Topeka.
"What even killed this guy anyway?" Virgil asked staring at one of the man's displays.
He'd heard of the guy, sure, but other than knowing what he was famous for, he just wasn't all that interested in the guy.
"According to this placard, it says he died from diabetes and idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis back in November 30th, 2007," Roland said reading a memorial on one of the walls.
"Huh. And here I thought he'd go down in a blaze of glory," Virgil hummed as he looked off into the distance at the man's bike… only for some idiot in a palette-swapped version of Evel Knievel's red-white-and-blue-stars-and-stripes jumpsuit to bound over the velvet ropes and mount it.
"Get your motor runnin'~ Head out on the highway~ Looking for adventure~ In whatever comes your way~!" the enthusiast sung completely off-key while a museum curator went completely pale in the face for reasons other than terrible singing.
'I can't believe there are people this stupid in the world. There's no fucking way that thing's fueled up-'
*Vroom!* *Vroom-Vroom!*
"What… the… fuuuck…?!" Virgil demanded as the engine spooled up. "THEY KEEP GAS IN THAT THING!?"
"Yeah, someone here must really look after Mr. Knievel's old stuff," Gaige hummed thoughtfully.
"I… am really running out of shits to give!" Virgil raged as tires squealed, museum-goers panicking as the rider made their way for the door.
BS Limit: 30%
"THAT'S IT! WE'RE LEAVING!" Virgil raged as he snatched a sheet metal hammer from Gaige's belt, which she was somehow able to wear inside the museum, and chuck it through the air catching the guy in his exposed throat, dropping him to the floor and leaving him gagging and gasping for breath.
The driver would've lost control and totaled the bike had Brick not caught it with his massive meat-hunks.
"This is such BULLSHIT!" Virgil growled as he whirled on his heel and stomped back toward the exit, his mood sufficiently soured by his inability to escape "comic book shenanigans".
Virgil, stewing in the RV after what could've been a fun trip to an American icon's memorial was ruined by sheer idiocy, couldn't even motivate himself to practice any magic now that he had a moment to himself. When the Fortune Hunters and their plus-one returned, he looked up from his spot on the couch to notice that they'd gotten a large number of souvenirs on the way out.
Apparently, saving the museum's centerpiece got them a great deal of goodwill; especially for any lack of superhero intervention.
Of course, Virgil was still as steamed as a lobster from the ruined museum outing that he couldn't bring himself to care about what they'd gotten; despite their best efforst to show off their "epic loot".
The Fortune Hunters hitting the road once again, it wasn't long until a new problem presented itself.
"Dammit. If I don't shoot, repair, or screw something in the next few minutes, we're gonna have a problem," Gaige huffed under her breath.
"Whelp. Looks like we're going to need a virgin sacrifice," Mordecai chuckled. "Kid. You're up," he said jabbing a finger Virgil's way.
"Don't worry if you underperform your first time. The best sexual aid you can get is experience," Brick chuckled. "That and mood lighting."
"Or mood music."
"And make sure you use protection~" Lilith chimed in.
"If you are going to sleep with this girl, be sure to put a sock over the door," Roland added mirthfully.
BS Limit: 45%
"STOP THE FUCKING CAR!" Virgil raged, the RV squealing as it pulled over onto the shoulder mere moments before Virgil flung open the door.
"Hey, c'mon kid, we didn't mean anything by it," Brick said poking his fat head out the window as Virgil opened the luggage compartment, digging into his bag as a vein throbbed in his forehead.
"Virgil, please don't do this! If we come home without you, Athena's going to have our ass on a spit!" Lilith shuddered as the cargo door slammed shut, the teen stomping back into the RV.
"Here. Go fucking nuts," Virgil said planting the Teleporter Belt firmly before the ginger technophile.
"Ohhhhhhhhh…~" Gaige panted/moaned as she beheld the technological marvel in front of her. "If you weren't already pining for some other girl, I'd so DO YOU right now! Nngh~!" she said twirling a screwdriver and wire cutter in her fingers.
"Thank god for small miracles," Virgil grumbled to himself as he got up from the table and retreated to the rear.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
Kansas/Missouri Border
November 20, 17:26 CST
After what was probably one of the most blood-pressure-elevating travel montages Virgil had ever experienced, the RV finally made it to the state border, the Welcome to Kansas and Welcome to Missouri signs visible in opposite directions from the road flanking the truck stop they'd found.
Before the gang actually began driving through Missouri, they'd all decided to grab some more provisions from the rest stop, stretch their legs, and use the bathroom so they all wouldn't have to compete for timeslots on the RV toilet all-at-once. For the mostpart everyone had scattered to do their own thing, not in any real rush as they perused the aisles for anything that caught their fancy.
"Sooo… You doin' okay?" Gaige asked.
"Not… really," Virgil admitted, his "Bullshit Senses" telling him there was going to be more bovine fecal matter heading his way very, very soon. 'Stay calm, Virgil… Stay calm. If your blood pressure gets too high, it could damage your money-maker.'
And it wasn't just his physicality as far as the Nanosuit was concerned that he was worried for. Too much stress could mess with his complexion, and while he never envisioned himself taking up that sort of role, at the very least he wanted to put in effort to his cover-job. If he strayed from the "pretty boy" that Re-l was marketing him as, he'd be a harder sell on-paper.
He just assumed that the reason Re-l had his cover-job be a model was so it'd be some sort of double-negative cover-up. After all, who would think that a male model was secretly a super-soldier black ops agent?
Also, he was still surprised by the fact that people could actually recognize him even without the makeup and fancy clothes.
'Aaand… turning away slowly…' Virgil thought to himself as he slowly inclined his body away from a copy of Real Fashions magazine in the nearby rack.
" . . . I'm sorry… about earlier," Gaige said slowly as she perused the shelves for anything she could cannibalize for the repairs on Virgils' Teleportation Belt. "It's just… I don't know. I guess I got so pent-up and horny-"
"PFFFFFFFFT!"
Virgil spit-taking was of course completely understandable.
"-that I let my mouth run ahead of my brain," she finished. "You're real sweet and all, but I won't push your boundaries if you don't want me to."
"Thank you. That… That's a load off my mind," Virgil nodded.
A moment later and the door was kicked in.
"Nobody move! This is a robbery!" said one of four men wearing black balaclavas, armed with a shotgun, SMG, pistol, and crowbar respectively.
BS Limit: 65%
"Hey guys… Did it suddenly get dark out?" one of the goons asked as a shadow loomed over them, the four of them turning around to see Brick's massive frame blocking out the sun, his ham-sized fists cracking knuckles rather ominously.
" . . . Oh crap," another goon paled while another got hot and sweaty for… reasons.
*One Minute Later…*
"Well… At least I didn't have to get my hands dirty this time…" Virgil growled to himself, left brow twitching like mad as the four would-be gas station robbers moaned in pain, Brick, Roland, and Lilith standing over them and clapping dust off their hands with a satisfying nod of their head.
"Yeah, good thing too. I don't think your blood pressure can handle any more craziness," Gaige nodded as she eyed the throbbing vein in his forehead.
A moment later and the door was kicked in. Again.
"Stick, 'em up!" a would-be robber shouted.
He was clad in a brown bodysuit with yellow arms and legs with red boots, gloves, shoulder guards, a belt, and blocky designs running up and down both sides of his chest. Hanging from his back were two tanks colored red connected to two gun-shaped weapons by hoses. His head was encased in a red bullet-like helmet.
In short, the lesser-famed, "D-List" Villain known as "The Trapster" aka Peter Petruski.
Of course, no-one would really learn about that until he'd been taken in for processing…
"Virgil… sweetie…"
"It's okay Gaige. I'm calm… I'm calm…! I am not calm…! I am not calm at all! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?" Virgil raged. "You brought glue guns to a robbery!?"
"They're actually high-pressure adhesive dispensers-"
"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"
Before the brunette's blood pressure could shoot up any further and/or he murdered someone…
*ZIP*FWISH*WHOOSH*ZOOM*
A figure, wreathed in golden streaks of lightning, zipped into the open doors and crisscrossed every inch of unoccupied flooring in the store. The beaten-up criminals whirled-around, a moment later they were hog-tied with ropes, the glue-using supervillain (if you could even call him as such) squealing like a pig as he too was encircled with glowing lightning. Unable to even get a shot off, by the time the greased lightning zipped past the counter and was out the door once again, Trapster was dangling from the ceiling in a cocoon of his own glue.
Also, there was a note and money left on the counter accounting for the missing half-dozen candy bars that'd gone missing in the exchange.
"What… just… happened?" Mordecai asked as he glanced between the tied-up criminals and the beer in his hand.
"Well… This is 'Flash county'…" Lilith said off-handedly as Mordecai chucked his beer.
"Dude… You're really fucking pathetic. You know that, right?" Virgil asked tersely.
"Hey now, I'm sure he worked really hard on that costume. You don't have to be so mean about it," Gaige chided while Trapster looked like he was about to cry.
"Can we just leave before any other nonsense happens? I'm nearing my limit here."
"No, I'm not letting you leave this poor man so-emotionally damaged unless you can defend your stance on his name by coming up with something better for yourself if you ever went full-on supervillain."
"Beatdown," Virgil spat out without missing a beat.
" . . . Shit, that's cool," the ginger conceded.
"Can we fucking go now?"
*TAKE ME HOME~*
"So… That was interesting," Mordecai hummed, back on the road once more.
"'Interesting' isn't really the word I'd use," Virgil grumbled. "Is it too much to ask for a normal day? Just one?!"
"Trust me, we are not actively seeking these guys out," Roland stated.
"I feel like this is all some sort of conspiracy."
"Conspiracy? Conspiracy to do what?" Gaige asked skeptically.
"TO RAISE MY BLOOD PRESSURE!" Virgil raged.
"Whoa, okay, dial it down a notch, okay?" Gaige asked grabbing him by the shoulders and setting him down on the couch. "Look, why don't you just close your eyes, relaaaaax, and think about how good it'll feel to get home to your special someone?" she asked as she started to rub the knots from his shoulders.
"Yeah… That does seem pretty nice…" the mentally-exhausted brunette sighed.
"So… We're on the road again. You wanna stop by Keystone City?" Lilith asked.
"Pass," Virgil bit out. "I don't wanna go anywhere near S.T.A.R. Labs; of any branch. So you can consider that earlier 'pass' a 'hard pass'."
"What? Why not?" Brick asked.
"Maybe because it's home to mad scientists with good PR?" Gaige questioned back.
"Isn't that a bit harsh?" Roland asked.
"Do you disagree?"
"Well… I guess not, what with the mutant unicorns, telepathic penguins, and fire-breathing chickens," the massive wall of a man conceded.
"Glad to know we're all on the same page," Virgil sighed, leaning back into Gaige's touch.
"Still, it's a bit of a shame we can't stop by. I'd looooove to get my hands on their tech," Gaige said giddily.
"And why's that?"
"Because if they'd formally patented their inventions, they could've gotten really stinking rich!" the mad genius said excitedly. "Captain Cold, Weather Wizard, Heatwave, and Mirror Master might not have the kill-counts of guys like the Joker, Poison Ivy, Two-Face, or Killer Croc, but you can't deny that their tech is pre-tty dope."
"As long as we don't drive through the middle of Keystone City… I don't care," Virgil sighed, letting his eyes droop shut.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
Keystone City, Missouri
November 20, 18:55 CST
"Guys… What did I say about Keystone City?" Virgil asked a couple hours later, seeing the glittering skyscrapers out the distance in the window.
True, they weren't anywhere near the quote/unquote "middle" of Keystone city, but they were still way-too-close to "Flash central" for his superhero-bullshit-world-weary comfort.
"Don't worry, we aren't going into the city. You just happen to be able to see it from here. That's all," Lilith hummed.
" . . . Okay, that's better then," Virgil sighed.
"Awwww…" Gaige moaned dejectedly, her right cheek laying upon the table as she looked longingly at Keystone City.
" . . . *SIIIIIGH* . . . Look, Gaige, how 'bout I make you a promise," Virgil said after a long sigh, getting the ginger's attention. "How about… after I've had a chance to cool off… you and I come back here and maybe, just maybe… get the opportunity to pinch some choice tech. How's that sound?"
"You… You really mean that…?" Gaige asked looking up at him hopefully.
"Yeah. I really do," Virgil conceded. 'Damn my soft spot for cute girls. I blame you, libido. You hear me! I! BLAME! YOU!' he raged internally within a sane mind slowly unravelling from over-exposure to "bullshit".
"Oh Virgil… You're the greatest boyfriend a girl could ever hope for!" Gaige cried happily as she wrapped her arms around his neck and buried his face into her budding bosom.
"Urk! That's… great!" Virgil gasped, struggling for breath.
"But seriously, if things don't work out with Athena," she muttered into his ear. "Call meee~" she cooed huskily into his ear.
"Hey kid. Whaddya got that's like catnip to hot chicks and where can I get some?" Mordecai asked.
'If those nanomachines in my system are making me release pheromones… I am going to kill someone…' Virgil contemplated.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
Gaige, being placated with promises of a later day trip to Keystone City where calmer heads could make the experience more enjoyable -read: tolerable-, was going through a guidebook with an alarming amount of superhero/villain trivia. While this was going on, Virgil had found an opportunity to go through Zatanna's spell book, his idle doodlings off too the side bearing fruit in the form of a full-out Transfer Charm; a means of casting a spell into one piece of paper and having it come out another.
Assuming you drew the Sigil onto a piece of paper and not… you know… literally anything else.
Contextually, it was meant to be a way of seeing the results of a spell casted without putting oneself in any immediate danger in case of an immediate backfire. However, to a more-creative mind being groomed by the likes of Solid Snake… Transfer Charms could be repurposed into magical remote-detonated mines. After all, who would expect a fireball or a bolt of lightning to leap out of what was essentially litter on the ground.
"Oooooh~ Cool magic trick," Gaige awed.
"Huh?" Virgil asked distractedly, looking down from his book to see that he was pointing his finger into a magical array on one piece of paper, the flame of his Ardescat coming out of another circle a foot away. 'Oh shit!' he yelped as he pulled his hand away and shook out the flame.
"Sooooo… What's the trick?" Gaige asked as she looked the two pieces of scratch paper over in her hands. "Is one of these drawn with lighter fluid?" she asked sniffing the second seal.
"Um… Trade secret?"
" . . . Okay, I buy it," Gaige shrugged, Virgil releasing a sigh.
'Note to self… Idle hands and magic are a baaaaad combination,' Virgil self-dictated as he looked out the window, the city of Keystone well behind them and the open countryside surrounding them, nary a cloud in the sky.
All in all, a perfect afternoon for a cross-country drive.
*BOOM!*
"The fuck was that!?" Virgil yelped as a boom like thunder roared from the outside, two bolts of lightning racing across the ground in the distance, crisscrossing each other over and over, tearing up the surrounding fields and never stopping.
What made it weird was one was a bright golden yellow, the other a deep bluish purple.
"Yow! I've never seen the Flash move that fast!" Lilith gaped.
"I don't think either of them's the Flash," Mordecai stated.
"Guys! They're coming this way! Brace for impact!" Roland cried out.
"HOLY CRAP!" Brick yelped as the two streaks whoosed by the right side of the RV, windows cracking, side mirror ripped away, and paint horribly burned in a streak.
The yellow flash slowing up ahead, revealed a young girl dressed in yellow Flash-inspired attire with brown pigtails and red goggles, a badly bleeding arm cradled at her side.
The bluish purple streak slowing down as well, revealed a menacing looking man with black and purple Flash-inspired armor, blood-stained blades on his forearms.
"Can anyone say 'color-coded bad guys: for your convenience'?" Gaige whispered as the two had their standoff, Roland hitting the brakes, Virgil's eye twitching madly in the background.
BS Limit: 91%
"Kid, this is no time for jokes," Brick hissed as his massive meat hunks closed around a shotgun.
"Brick, no, that isn't the right move," Lilith whispered.
"She's right. A 'speedster' gone rogue like that… He could literally kill us all in the blink of an eye," Roland said in agreement.
"But we can't just stand here and do nothing," Brick hissed as the yellow-clad girl panted tiredly, her blood dribbling onto the pavement while the obviously-evil speedster reveled in the pained look on her face.
"Guys, I have an idea," Gaige whispered, her mind whirling.
"Yeah… I do too…" Virgil sighed.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
"So… Roberta… Any last words?" 'Purple Slasher' questioned as he raised his bladed forearms, his voice deep and distorted.
"How… do you know my name?" 'Flash Girl' panted out. "What do you want?"
"What I want… is your death," 'Purple Slasher' said cryptically as he strode toward her, the younger speedster digging in her heels in an attempt to run.
'At the very least… I can't him anywhere near that RV…'
Her thoughts regarding their helplessness however were washed away when a number of smoke grenades were thrown at 'Purple Slasher's' back, a huge wall of thick smoke rising up behind him.
"Flash Girl! This way!" a voice called through the smoke, a pair of headlights beckoning her.
'Purple Slasher' looking over his shoulder, 'Flash Girl' realized if she didn't go that way, the supervillain attacking her would gun for them anyway. Dipping down and zipping around the older speedster, energy from his costume drawn away from him and into her, the girl zipped into the smoke towards the headlights.
'Purple Slasher' following after her, arm-blades at the ready for indiscriminate slaughter, just as he caught up to 'Flash Girl's' hazy silhouette between the RV's headlights, a third, smaller light colored red and slightly above the headlights snapped on as the silhouette grew to monstrous proportions. Scarce moments later, a "flying, legless torso of pure AWESOMENESS" as some -i.e. Gaige- would call it was upon him. Energized claws extending from mechanical arms as the robot swung at him, 'Purple Slasher' easily dodged, carving the attack droid up like a Thanksgiving turkey sending a shower of sparks and a deluge of hydraulic fluid flying in every direction.
The robot letting out a pitiable, digitized whine as it fluttered backwards into the hood of the RV, the next moment a Flashbang went off, the light bouncing off the smoke around him and blinding the 'Purple Slasher'.
Rapid footfalls heading toward him, the next moment he was struck in the gut with what must've been a tire iron by the passing blur, the grown man sent tumbling out of the smoke cloud, quickly righting himself to chase after 'Flash Girl'.
"Pils!"
The following moment, 'Purple Slasher's' eyes went wide inside his helmet as all traction beneath his armored soles completely vanished, the speedster flying down the stretch of highway uncontrollably as his onboard HUD told him that the coefficient of friction on a stretch of asphalt as dry as a bone had plunged to absolute zero!
'Flash Girl' however, didn't seem to have that problem, whooshing into him and delivering powerful Speed Force-assisted blows from all sides as she literally ran circles around him, 'Purple Slasher's' own feet refusing to find purchase despite his best efforts.
A particularly-powerful blow sending the villain reeling into an electrical tower, the bruised and battered man collapsed, though his own Healing Factor was quickly remedying the damage, and he'd be up and at it again in no time.
Before he could get back to his feet however, 'Flash Girl' dashed up to him, a foot painfully planted in his groin and her hands going to his waist before the heavy belt he wore was violently wrenched free.
An explosion of purple-colored lightning throwing the yellow-clad girl back, as the discharge subsided, 'Purple Slasher' staggered, his hands fumbling desperately at his armored waist before reaching out at the armored belt in the girl's hands.
The man crawling towards her on his hands and knees, 'Flash Girl' skittering backwards with belt still-in-hand, beneath the 'Purple Slasher's' notice, luminescent cracks began to spread across his body, causing him to resemble a dried-up lakebed.
With a sound reminiscent of sand flowing down an hourglass, as the cracks extended to the man's fingertips, the armor on his clawed digits began… evaporating away, revealing… nothing!
His body continuing to dissolve, extremities first, it was like his body was completely empty, the purple-armored villain frantically looking himself over as he continued to vanish, his torso hovering in mid-air even as his four limbs completely vanished underneath him.
The purple-armored man looking at 'Flash Girl' with eyes wide in terror, a haunting- "NooooOOOOOO-" -left his lips as his head began to vanish into shards, until all that was left to hint he was ever there were the footprints in the dirt at where he once… existed…
It wasn't until every last scrap of the 'Purple Slasher' had vanished that 'Flash Girl' allowed her tensed body to relax, the yellow-clad girl falling onto her back and panting heavily, a wince leaving her body as her free hand went to her bleeding arm.
"Holy crap…! What the hell happened to him?" a voice asked, 'Flash Girl' looking up to see the RV's occupants heading towards her, consisting of the most mis-matched gang of eccentric weirdos she'd ever seen. The speaker of the aforementioned statement was a dark-haired teen with red eyes who ran over to her with an aid kit.
"I don't know. It's like he was… aborted from time or something," a girl with pigtails and a toolbelt said as she eyed the spot that 'Purple Slasher' previously occupied.
"What makes you say that?" an enormous mountain of a man asked.
"Well, I mean, there's nothing left of him," the pigtail girl said waving her arms at the empty spot. "If teleporter belts are a thing, then time travel belts could be a thing too," she said pointing at the black-and-purple belt in her arms, which 'Flash Girl' was quick to discard.
"Sooo…" a red-headed woman with exotic tattoos hummed as she made her way over. "How'd you know taking off his belt would do… that to him?"
"I didn't," 'Flash Girl' answered. "When we were fighting, I noticed that I'd absorb the energy from his belt and he's get slower, so I just assumed the belt was his power source. I didn't know that was going to happen."
"Oh? Well, that was still 'fast thinking' on your part," the red-head chuckled.
"Booooo! Leave the dad jokes at home!" the pigtailed girl booed loudly.
"How about we dress this wound away from all the cowpies before we exchange pleasantries," the dark-haired teen with the red eyes said flatly as he helped 'Flash Girl' to her feet.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
"So wait, your name's literally 'Flash Girl'?" Gaige asked aloud once names were exchanged. "Whoo! Take it off!" she whooped.
"Not that kind of 'Flash'!" the self-named teen heroine said with a red flush on her face, arms crossed over her chest, Virgil dressing the wound in the relative comfort of their RV as they continued on their way.
And now that she wasn't running around at the speed of sound, the Fortune Hunters and their "plus ones" were able to get a detailed look at her superhero attire.
Consisting largely of a yellow bodysuit that stopped at the neck and wrists, black lightning bolts wrapped her wrists, elbows, shoulders, waist, and calves. Her calves-down were a slightly darker shade of yellow, a V-shaped pattern at her throat, red goggles over her eyes, her hair falling free into a pair of pigtails. She was light-skinned, and petite with a runner's build; easily someone who wasn't even out of their teens yet.
The fact that there were spots of friction burn meant it wasn't quite up to "superhero snuff", but at the very least whatever it was made of could hold up to a prolonged fight.
If "prolonged" even meant the same thing as far as two speedsters were concerned.
"Originally I was going to take up the mantle of my predecessor, 'Whizzer'… but the problem with that was… well…"
"It sounds like someone taking a piss-er, leak," Virgil amended, nodding his head in understanding.
"Yeah, exactly," Flash Girl sighed.
"Whizzer… I feel like I know that name…" Roland hummed aloud, though mostly to himself.
"Sooo… Care to explain what 'Purple Slasher' was attacking you for?" Virgil said as he put the contents of the aid kit away.
"No idea," Flash Girl returned. She wasn't about to share her secret identity with complete strangers; even if they'd saved her butt back there by making it so 'Purple Slasher' couldn't run anymore. "All I know is that he came out of nowhere, attacked my dad, I drew him away, we fought, I lost him so I could grab a snack, he caught up to me, we fought some more, you helped me win, end of story."
"Still, aren't you worried you may've committed murder just then?" Roland asked causing the teen hero to blanch.
"Hey, no body no crime," Lilith shrugged.
"If it comes down to it, you can just call it 'self-defense' and leave it at that," Mordecai shrugged.
"Hey uh… before I forget… Thanks. Thanks for helping me out back there. I don't think I could've beaten that 'Purple Slasher' guy on my own," Flash Girl returned.
"Oh, so you call him that too," Virgil muttered.
"Still, I can wrap my head around the smoke grenades and even the floating robot, but what'd you do to make him slip-and-slide like he was wearing banana peel shoes?" she questioned.
"Yeah, how did that happen?" Gaige asked, her eyes turning to the guy that got her motor running even as she idly held the severed head of her bullying-deterrent robot in her hands.
" . . . Magic," Virgil eventually answered after a rather stringent pause.
"Wait, you mean like the stuff Zatara uses?" Flash Girl asked with a raised brow.
"Yeah, what about it?" Virgil asked with a huff.
He might've only been "magical" for a few days, but even he could get testy over something real being dismissed.
Did saying magic wasn't real to a magician count as racism?
"What? Oh no, no, I'm not saying it's fake or anything!" Flash Girl returned frantically. "My powers activated after I got struck by lightning, so I know all too well that the world doesn't always operate on conventional principles. Absorbing electricity is not supposed to make you run faster."
"So what, you were absorbing whatever… force, let that guy run so fast without breaking the sound barrier every five seconds?"
"I guess. His body and armor are just gone, so it isn't like we can really investigate that," Flash Girl shrugged. "Still, how'd you know I'd be able to beat him in the end?"
"All honesty? We didn't," Lilith admitted, causing the brunette's eyes to go wide. "We honestly just hoped that helping you would bail us, out."
"And besides, even if we did let 'Purple Slasher' get ya, there's no guarantee he wouldn't've killed us for shits and giggles anyway," Brick stated.
"Oh, well, that makes sense, I guess," Flash Girl conceded. "Still, loads better than you guys spectating so you could take videos on your phones."
"Ugh, yeah, those people are the worst," Lilith groaned. "Make our jobs so much harder."
"So what're you going to do now, Flash Girl?" Gaige asked holding back a snicker.
"First I'm going to call my dad and…" she said reaching into a pocket on her suit, only to find an utterly-ruined phone waiting for her. "Um… Any of you guys have a phone I can borrow?"
"Sure, I'll trade ya," Gaige said swapping her own intact phone for Flash Girl's ruined one, the red-head taking some smaller tools to it and reassembling the phone while Flash Girl put in a call to her dad.
"Hey Gaige, aren't you worried about the government using your phone to track you?" Virgil asked worriedly.
"Oh don't worry, I put a scrambler in my phone ages ago. Anyone even tries and they'll get re-routed to the middle-of-nowhere Albuquerque."
"I can't tell if you're even joking about Alburquerque or not," Virgil deadpanned.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
Missouri Highway
November 20, 19:32 CST
"Waitwaitwaitwaitwait," Virgil said holding up his hand. "If you live in Ohio, how the hell'd you wind up all the way in Missouri?" he asked skeptically.
"No idea. All I know is I got really turned around during that chase slash fight," Flash Girl sighed as she laid out on the couch, nursing a whole pitcher of water as she raided their pantry. "Now it's my turn to ask a question. What's the deal with the ice pack? Purple Slasher didn't even touch you."
"Oh, Virgil's 'BS Limit' is nearing critical mass, so he needs to cool his head otherwise he'll go ballistic," Gaige answered as she worked with a tiny soldering iron to put Flash Girl's phone back together.
"BS Limit?" she asked with a raised brow.
"Hey, you try going on vacation only to get sucked into real-life comic book bullshit every five minutes," Virgil said flatly. "How long've you had these powers anyway?"
"In all honesty…? About a week."
"Well… You're certainly taking the comic book bullshit better than me," he huffed. "And at least you have the good sense to keep your identity a secret."
"Yeah, but what I can't figure out is why Purple Slasher attacked me now. I mean, I didn't even have a costume until a couple hours ago, and yet the instant I put that thing on, whoosh, some psycho in a purple armored bodysuit tries to open up my dad like a largemouth bass!"
Of course, what she left out was that the Purple Slasher was aiming at her first, but then her dad had jumped between them at the last possible second.
Glad to know his superpowers still worked, even if they only worked when he was scared out of his fucking gourd.
"Well, if he really is a time-traveler, maybe he's a nemesis of yours from the future who thought he could take you out before you reached your fullest potential," Lilith hummed.
"Even if I do entertain the possibility of time travel, and even if I accept that he looked into a history book to find out when I first became 'Flash Girl', wouldn't he also learn that I defeated someone of his then-exact description at this then-current timeframe?"
"Not unless him going back in time created a divergent timeline. Either that or records of your earliest exploints didn't survive to whatever century that dick waffle came from," Gaige stated matter-of-factly. "There, all done," she said slapping the rear plate back on.
"Hmmm… It feels a bit heavier than I remember."
"Well that's because I gave you free long-distance calling."
"For how long?"
"Yes!" Gaige said with a manic grin and a nod.
"Oh, uh… thanks. I guess," Flash Girl shrugged as she went through her phone to see if her contact information was intact. "Hey uh… thanks for giving me a ride and all."
"Hey, don't sweat it, kid. We're heading east anyway, and since you did save our butts from a rogue speedster, the least we could do is let you cool your heels before you head back home," Lilith shrugged.
"How is your dad, anyway?" Gaige asked, seeing as how the topic hit a little close to home.
"He's fine… just in the hospital is all," Flash Girl answered. " . . . What're you reading?" she asked Virgil, hoping to change the topic.
"Trying to figure out how to do this repair spell," Virgil admitted, seeing as how his magic, budding as it was, was now out in the open, the busted mirror that'd been wrenched off the side of the RV resting on the table in front of him while he buried his nose in Zatanna's book.
"Wait, if you can fix things magically, what've I been doing?" Gaige whined.
"Oh don't act like you didn't enjoy it," Virgil huffed. "Anyway, according to my friend's notes, using this spell on tech is actually really difficult because magic and tech don't mix that well. Plus, I've only been magical for a couple days, so even if I did try fixing Flash Girl's busted-up phone, I'd probably just exhaust myself without doing much of anything for it," he explained before snapping the book shut and turning the busted-up mirror so it was facing him. "Alright, let's see here…" he said mulling the words over in his mind, picturing what he wanted the end-result to be. "Xif Gniw Rorrim!"
The side-view mirror trembling on the table as Virgil stretched out his hands at it, the crack running across the pane of glass made a small keening sound as it began to disappear, the busted-up plastic remedying itself as well until none of the original damage remained.
The next moment Virgil fell back against his seat, panting heavily with sweat running down his brow, a wave of drowsiness washing over him.
"Holy crap, are you okay?!" Gaige asked worriedly.
"Yeah… fine… Just… a little drained…"
"I'll say. You look positively pale," Flash Girl shuddered.
"Yes, well… That's what happens when you use too much magic," Virgil answered. "Doubt I'll ever be as-powerful as Zatara, not unless I dedicate my whole life to the 'mystic arts', so I'll probably just keep my magic in reserve for emergencies."
"Still, that just begs the question… Where did you learn magic?" Flash Girl asked.
"I'm not in the mood to talk about it. All I want to do is kick back, relax, and hope that nothing else weird happens on the way home," he said going to the fridge and downing a whole soda. "Ugh, honestly, I feel like I need a vacation, from my vacation."
"Yeah… This trip has been far from 'dull'," Gaige nodded. "I mean, hell, you took on a full-blown 'Mechromancer' who got to sic her robot creation on an evil speedster from the future. That's about as weird as it gets."
"Not 'ghost car' weird."
"Shut up Mordecai," Virgil spat tiredly.
"Alright, fine, whatever," the sniper groaned. "Sooo… How long're you going to stay with us anyway?" he asked over his shoulder as he groomed Bloodwing.
"At the longest, until you guys get to the east end of Kentucky. At the earliest, whenever I feel like I can make the trip in one go," she answered.
"Hey, don't run off on our account. One more eccentric weirdo on this road trip won't make much difference," Lilith shrugged.
"I'm not sure how I feel about being called that."
"Says the girl in spandex and pigtails," Gaige chuckled.
"Hey, you have pigtails too," Flash Girl whined as she pulled her wind-swept pigtails down.
"Yeah, except I'm not wearing skin-tight clothing~"
"It has to be skin-tight to reduce drag."
"Bet that won't be all you do with it when you get older~"
"Stop trying to make it pervy!"
'Well… at least these two are arguing about something normal… -ish,' Virgil thought to himself as he laid back in his seat.
After helping a budding superhero fight an evil speedster that was potentially from the future, things couldn't get much weirder in one day.
Right?
*Crack*
Right!?
*CRACK!*
"What was that?" Flash Girl asked.
"Was that the RV?" Gaige questioned.
"No, it came from outside!" Brick said pressing his face against the left window, the two pigtailed girls looking out alongside him to see a large barn on the side of the road, its barred doors bulging violently outward as something tried to get out.
"Roland… What's out there and why aren't we driving away from it faster?" Virgil asked after a pause, his head turned away from what the others were looking at.
"Ummmmmmm."
*CRASH!*
"Moooo."
"I'm not listening-"
"Mmmoooooo!"
"-lalalalalalala-"
"MROOOOOOOO!"
"What the ffuuuuuuck?" Virgil groaned tiredly as he craned his neck to look out the window.
He did not like what he saw.
Stomping its way over massive barn doors that crumbled underfoot like toothpicks was an enormous black bull, nine meters in height, its thick hide struggling to contain grotesque muscles that shifted like tectonic plates. The horns jutting out on either side of its head were as thick as elephant tusks, its eyes an unnatural baleful red.
"This… is such… bullshit…" Virgil groaned, beholding an enormous Angus cattle that looked like it was hopped up on enough steroids to fill a god-damn swimming pool, as it stomped its way out of the barn it was being kept on, trampling the metal fence circling the property as though it were tinfoil, and leaving deep hoofprints in the road as it swung its head about.
"Nnnnooooo… That would be bullshit," Gaige said pointing out the rear window everyone was now hovering around.
Virgil following Gaige's slender finger quickly regretted it, because pouring out of the enormous bovine's ass was a cow pie the size of a smart car.
That by itself though, wasn't what made him regret looking. What did make him regret looking, was that the enormous cow pie was eating a hole in the asphalt like industrial grade acid.
"That… is one cow pie you do not want to step in," Mordecai winced as the cow pie steamed like radioactive waste.
"The fuck kind of growth hormones were they using on that thing? Venom?!" Gaige gaped, her idle hands frantically tweaking DT's robot head.
"Imagine the size of the steaks you could make with that thing," Brick salivated, sloppily wiping his drool on his wrist.
"HYAAAUUUUUUGHHH!" Virgil squealed loudly, his hands fisting his hair, threatening to pull it from the roots as the blood vessels in his eyes dilated until one of them burst, his left eye stained bright red.
"Virgil, sweetie, calm down!" Gaige said putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Calm down? Calm down?! Half an hour ago I helped stop an evil speedster from the future, and that was supposed to be the end of this bullshit! But now… NOW I have to put up with a god-damned ÜBERCOW!" he shrieked, his hate of all things Nazi bleeding through.
"Look, on the bright side, it doesn't seem to want to bother us," Gaige said nervously as she continued to fiddle with DT's head.
A moment later she turned something she shouldn't have, because DT's cycloptic eye lit up like a strobe light, the rear bathroom filled with bright red light.
To make matters worse…
*Ten Seconds Later…*
"Why the fuck is it chasing us?!" Lilith cried as the RV hauled ass down the highway, the Übercow snorting and roaring as it stampeded towards them.
"Blame Gaige! She's the one screwing around with the severed robot head!" Flash Girl cried as she held onto something bolted to the floor. "Why'd you even install a strobe light in that thing?!"
"As a stunner for the bully-deterring subroutine!" Gaige shrieked.
"Okay, so the Übercow is pissed-"
"I can't believe we're actually calling it that," Virgil muttered.
"Aren't you the one who named it?"
"Quiet, Gaige. I'm still angry at you."
"-and it's chasing us," Roland stated as the Übercow thundered down the highway after them, the cars on the other lane peeling away and off the road, some into a ditch. "What do we do about it?"
"We could let the police handle it," Mordecai said hopefully as he eyed the road ahead of them, a trio of police cruisers with sirens and lights blaring heading toward them on the opposite lane.
The next moment, the Übercow mooed in a thunderous roar, stampeding into the other lane towards the bright red lights, flipping the first car into the air with a dip of its snout before the other cars peeled out of the road and into a ditch apiece.
"Well… shit. That didn't work," Mordecai muttered. "What now?"
"Now…" Brick said cracking his knuckles, "we punch it."
"Brick we are not meeting that thing head-on," Lilith chided.
"Awww…" the giant of a man whined.
"Übercow… Übercow… Übercow…" Virgil muttered with a twitch of his eye, his head jerking to the side in a nervous twitch as well, fingers scrambling madly on the floor.
"Kid, stay down. Your blood pressure can't take much more of this," Lilith said patting Virgil's shoulder before going to the pantry and pulling out some of their guns. "Alright, guys, let's act like adults and solve this issue," she said rallying Brick and Mordecai behind her. "Gaige, Flash Girl, you stay down too."
"Hey, you don't have to tell me twice," Gaige nodded, accepting her non-combatant role in this.
"I'm still spent from my fight with the Purple Slasher, so I wouldn't be much good in a fight anyway," Flash Girl conceded.
"I'll bust the window open so we can shoot it," Brick said with a nod.
"Or, we could just open it," Mordecai suggested.
" . . . That's fair," the giant conceded.
"Weapons hot people, it's gaining on us!" Lilith said grabbing a military-grade SMG and levelling it at the Übercow, the monstrous bovine thundering towards them.
"See this? This, is my BOOMSTICK!" Brick roared pulling out a large double-barrel.
"Looks like I'm eyeballing it," Mordecai said as he drew out what could only be called an Elephant Gun.
Whoever they'd bought that storage unit off of in Vegas had a firearm for every occasion.
*BLAAAAAAAAAAAT!*
*BLAM!*
*POW!*
"Well…!" Gaige shouted over the sound of gunfire from the back of the RV as she, Flash Girl, and Virgil all huddled together underneath the bolted-down-table in the dining room/kitchen. "At least we won't have to get our hands dirty!"
The next moment something powerful struck the back of the RV with a powerful *WHAM!*, the rear tires of the RV lifting into the air and the front bumper of the RV scraping against the ground before it was ripped free and went under the tires, the RV's rear wheels slamming powerfully into the ground causing everything that wasn't bolted down to go flying in every direction, Roland swearing up front as he struggled to stop the RV from veering off the road into a ditch.
"OH FUCK THAT DIDN'T WORK!"
"IS THAT THING ACTUALLY ON VENOM?!"
"ROLAND, HOLD STILL SO I CAN GET A CLEAR SHOT!"
"I CAN'T! MUST'VE BUSTED A TIRE WHEN THE FRONT BUMPER WENT UNDER!"
"Bullet-… proof… Über… coOOOWWWWW!" Virgil growled, head twitching as a vein bulged in his forehead.
BS Limit: 124%
Warning: Bullshit Levels Exceeded
Critical Mass Imminent
All Personnel Evacuate to Minimal Safe Distance
"Virgil… sweetie…" Gaige said worriedly with an arm on his shoulder as the blood vessels in his other eye ruptured, tears of red spilling down his face.
"Gaige."
"Yes!" the red-head yelped timidly at the brunette's icy tone.
"Get me… my damn… belt," he said with a completely neutral expression.
One part of Gaige was tempted to say- "Kinkayyy~" -, but the more-sensible part of her not wanting to be done in by a mountain of literaly beefsteak thought better of it.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
"GUYS! WE CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER HIT LIKE THAT!" Roland shouted from the front.
"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT!" Lilith shouted as she emptied her SMG in the Übercow's direction. "BRICK! GET ME THE AMMO BAG!"
"Can't."
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T?!"
"Bag's gone. Someone dumped out all the ammo. Grenades are missing too," Brick said as-casually as he would talking about the weather.
"WHAT?! Wait a minute… Where's the kid?"
*Thunk*
"Did that…?"
"Come from the roof? Yeah," Mordecai finished.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
Cue Red vs Blue Season 9 OST – Pelican Escape (By Jeff Williams)
Ammo bag in hand, its contents shifting about, Virgil's hair whipped forward as he faced the Übercow chasing the RV, its hooves thundering into the asphalt like an avalanche.
Blood-stained eyes narrowing as the Übercow caught sight of his red shirt, Virgil blitzed across the roof before leaping into the air, a cry of- "Yippee ki yay, mother FUCKERRRRRRR!" -leaving his mouth as he soared through the air.
Gravity taking its hold of him as the Übercow rushed forward to meet him, the frantic cries at his back were muted to his ears as he raised the handle of the ammo bag into the air above his head.
"HOLY CRAP!" Lilith gaped as Virgil rode the elephantine horn like a zip line until he came to a stop against the Übercow's massive head, the monstrous mountain of meat whipping its head in an attempt to shake him off.
"Oh… no… you… don't!" Virgil growled as, even as he hung on for dear life, he pulled the end of a roll of duct tape away with his teeth before working it around the handle and the horn so it wouldn't go anywhere.
Working quickly, Virgil reached a hand into the bag, fumbling around for the most pulse-pounding seconds of his life (up to that point) until he pulled a single pin free.
"One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi-"
His free hand going to the Teleporter Belt around his waist the moment he let go, Virgil's body was whisked through space-time in a flash of luminous light, a like-flash of light filling the RV's living space as a human body bodily slammed into the pull-out couch.
Meanwhile in the back of the RV, Flash Girl had scrambled to close the bathroom window, the pigtailed speedster letting out a shrill- "EEEEEEEK!" -as the bag-full of grenades exploded and painted the rear of the RV red with blood like a dye pack going off with a loud *SPLAT!*.
END OST
"Well… That's one way to butcher a cow," Mordecai blanched as the sound of a massive body tumbling across the road sounded in his ears.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
The RV coming to a stop once it was clear that the danger had passed, while the boys were at the back of the RV trying in-vain to clean off the enormous blood spatter with what paltry cleaning supplies they had on hand, Lilith had sat Virgil down in their ruined dining space, the red-head sitting across from him pinioning him with a stern look right in the eye.
"Virgil… Sweetie… I want to ask you something," Lilith sighed as she articulated her thoughts. "ARE YOU OUT, OF YOUR DAMNED MIND?!"
"Yes."
"Oh, well, I didn't expect that answer," Lilith deadpanned.
"Am I still bleeding out of my eyes?"
"Yes. Yes you are," Flash Girl said frankly. "You should probably get that looked at."
"Was that an eye joke?" Gaige giggled.
"No it wasn't an eye joke! I'm very very worried about that!"
"Look-"
"Snrkt!"
"I'm sure this'll all pass over by the time we get back home," Virgil said ignoring Gaige's snicker, resting his chin on the table as his eyes drooped shut. "For the time being… can you let me… rest…?" he yawned tiredly. "I've exhausted my daily… adrenaline allowance… so I'd really just… like to… sleep this Übercow bullshit… off..."
A moment later and he was out like a light, snoring away into the tabletop completely dead to the worldd.
"Well… at least we already pulled out the bed," Gaige hummed aloud as she dragged the sleeping teen out of his seat, tossed him onto the bed, and wiped the blood from his eyes before pulling off his shoes and fiddling with his belt causing Flash Girl to flush as red as her goggles.
"Uh, kid. Maybe you should leave undressing him to someone Athena won't be pissed at if she ever finds out about this?" Lilith groused.
It wasn't that she was scared of Athena per-se, but that she was scared of what her mother would do to them given she wanted her daughter to have a better lovelife than her endless stream of one-night-stands and general "wrong-sick", and letting some random girl take her daughter's boyfriend's pants off worked counterintuitively to that end-goal.
"Give me some credit, Lil', I'm not doing anything pervy to him. I just wanna make sure this thing isn't leaking any radiation. Or something."
"Wait, that thing might be leaking radiation and you let him use it anyway?!" Flash Girl gawped.
"Hey, that Übercow was going to flatten this thing like a tin can if we didn't kill it," Gaige huffed as she finally managed to unlatch the buckle, going to great lengths to undo it without waking him.
Though some could argue she was just taking the opportunity to wrap her arms around his waist and bury her face into his chest.
The fact that she deeply inhaled his "musk" didn't really help her case of not having "ulterior motives".
"Do you even know the meaning of personal space?" Flash Girl deadpanned.
Despite downing a whole pitcher of water meter minutes ago, even she thought the other pigtailed girl was "thirsty".
"Hey, him going all 'Action Movie Hero' on that Übercow got me all hot and bothered and my luck with the opposite sex has been complete shit; so cut me some slack, would ya?"
"Kid, you're lucky to be out cold for this," Lilith said in a relieved sigh as the two pigtailed girls devolved into ordinary bickering.
*TAKE ME HOME~*
AN:
Originally for Virgil's suicidal charge against the Übercow, I was going to be accompanied by "Bullfight", but that seemed a little too on-the-nose.
As for Flash Girl, she's an OC, but her father is a Marvel cameo in case it wasn't readily obvious. I even named him, but he's still low-key, so his presence in the DC Universe wouldn't radically alter the Justice Society era of Earth-16.