Cancelled
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"Kate, we've got a problem, and I mean it's a big one!" Heyes exclaimed as he and Kid appeared out of nowhere in Kate's back yard where Kate sat squeezed into a round rubber tube floating in the long and narrow above ground pool on the first truly hot day, and the unofficial start of summer.
Kate flailed her hands about in the water to turn the tube around so she could see the two cowboys who had once again decided to invade her personal space. She raised a dripping wet hand over her eyes to block the sun and frowned at the two intruders. In ninety-degree temperatures, they were both dressed in wool shirts and wore heavy leather chaps over their pants. Despite knowing these two former outlaws were visible only to her, Kate glanced around nervously to see if they had garnered the interest of any of the nosey neighbors.
"What is so important that you had to come here on a holiday weekend?" she asked.
When her question was met with silence, Kate squinted her eyes against the sun only to see two blue eyes and two brown eyes staring at her with befuddled expressions on the outlaw's faces.
"What?" Kate demanded.
Kid raised one hand to his face and slowly scratched his cheek. "It's just that… I ain't never seen a twenty foot long outdoor bathtub before. That's gotta be four or five feet deep, and there ain't no bubbles or soap."
"It's not a bathtub!" Kate explained.
"And what is that you're wearing?" Heyes asked. "I mean that ain't a… corset, and those certainly ain't bloomers."
"It's called a bathing suit. Surely, they had bathing suits in your day!"
"Uh-huh, but they look like a one piece pair of long-johns," Kid replied. "And the weight of em when they got wet could pull you down and drown you," he added.
"But that thing you're wearing shows all a person's… imperfections," Heyes added nervously.
"Urgh!" Kate grumbled loudly as she wiggled and squirmed her way out of the floating tube and made her way toward the ladder.
Once safely on solid ground, Kate grabbed the beach towel and wrapped it around her till the ends almost met. "Bearing in mind that you two were not invited here, I think it would behoove you both to state your reason for coming so I can get you on your way," she snarled as she marched over to the picnic table and sat down with a huff.
"It's them alter-egos again." Kid explained, ignoring Kate's theatrics.
"What is it this time? They didn't invite you to their holiday cookout?" Kate asked.
"Kate, cooking out over an open fire ain't exactly something we'd consider a holiday activity," Heyes reminded her.
Kate reached for the tube of tan enhancement lotion and applied it liberally over her arms and face. "So, just what is the emergency?" she asked. "And don't expect me to fix the problem here and now because I am still soaking wet, and computers are not waterproof. I found that out the hard way."
"Them two alter-egos said we've been cancelled." Heyes told her.
"Oh, that," Kate said slowly. "My how time flies… Cancelled just means….,"
"I know what cancelled means!" Heyes barked. "How does being cancelled apply to the Kid and me?"
"Oh, boys," Kate said and followed up with a heavy sigh. "I do wish those alter egos would be more careful about what they say around the two of you."
"They don't even know we exist. That's actors for you, they all think they invented the parts they're playing."
"And while we're on the subject," Heyes continued ranting. "Why does the Better Business Company want to throw us out of the country? We ain't broken no laws!"
"Not recently, anyway," Kid added.
"What's the Better Business Company?" Kate asked, growing more confused each time one of the outlaws spoke.
"They didn't call it the Better Business Company," Kid tried to explain. "They called it the BBC. I think them letters stand for Bungling Bannerman Crooks cuz they are all crooks, you know."
Kate stared at them both, wondering how in the world one of them could ever be mistaken for a genius. "Let's go in the house," Kate suggested when she saw a neighbor peeking over the fence to investigate what sounded to him like another psychotic episode brewing in Kate's backyard. "I think we could all use a beer."
Once inside Kate got them each a cold bottle of Coors from the fridge and settled them in at the kitchen table while she slipped off to her bedroom to change her clothes. Returning in a pair of jeans and a tee shirt, Kate sat down to try to appease the two anxious cowboys.
"The BBC is the British Broadcasting Company. Back in the seventies when the show was cancelled, there was some talk about the BBC picking up the series. It didn't pan out but if it had, the show would have moved to Spain, I think it was."
"That would make extraditing us to Wyoming a bit costly," Heyes mused. "The governor might of just up and decided to give us the amnesty right then and there so Wyoming wouldn't have to cover the costs of bringing us back."
Kate opened her mouth to explain the workings of a television series, but quickly reconsidered. "I suppose that is one possibility," she replied. "But the premise of the show would still have been in the Old West."
Kid whistled. "That wouldda been a long commute to work every day for them alter egos. No wonder they didn't sound too keen on the idea."
"I think one was and one wasn't, but don't quote me on that," Kate replied.
"But if the show gets cancelled and the alter egos move on to other projects, what happens to the Kid and me?" Heyes asked.
Kate sighed, "I suppose being fictional characters with so many people putting you in so many different stories, keeping track of each writer's fictional reality does pose a problem for the two of you."
"Uh?" they asked.
Kate sighed and opted to take the easy way out. She understood the fact that writers often walked a fine line between reality and fiction, especially when in the midst of creating a story, but she had guests coming for a cookout and she knew that any lengthy conversation with two invisible cowboys might raise some concern from her guests.
"Never mind. I'll just chalk it up to a self-preservation instinct which, come to think of it, would be very useful to two former outlaws on the run from everyone sporting a badge or hunting a bounty."
Kid and Heyes exchanged glances, and both shrugged their shoulders in bewilderment.
"Whatever you say, Kate," Heyes assured her. "But in all honesty, we have no idea what you're talking about."
"What it boils down to is that the two of you will be fine. You'll just move from television to FanFiction. The only difference will be… better writing," she assured them.
"Kate, before we leave, you think I could try out that giant bathtub?" Kid asked hopefully.
"It's not a bathtub. It's a swimming pool. You can try it out, but you can't swim in the buff because, well I do have neighbors, and you can't take a bar of soap in there with you either."
"If you gotta wear clothes and you can't scrub yourself clean, what's the point?"
"It's quite relaxing when you're not interrupted. It lets you escape all the troubles of the world," she replied. "You see, in my time the earth is getting hotter, or so they tell us. We're in the midst of something all the worrywarts of the world like to call man-made global warming," Kate began to explain but was quickly interrupted.
"Man made what?"
"Man made global warming. The entire world is getting hotter because of pollution brought on by modern industry and gas-powered cars and… cow farts."
"Cow farts?" the two cowboys asked in unison.
"There's a lot of methane in cow farts," Kate explained.
Kid rolled his tongue around the inside of his cheek and Heyes just burst out laughing.
"Who dreams up this stuff?" Heyes asked.
"Scientists and politicians mostly," Kate replied.
"You know Heyes, they might be on to something. Afterall, we do burn cow pies when there ain't enough wood for a fire, so all that stinky air is just accumulating up in… the clouds or somewhere," Kid said while trying unsuccessfully to keep a straight face.
"You just go ahead and laugh," Kate told them. "But just remember, it was your generation that started all these problems."
"Yeah? How's that?"
"Well, it might have been a little before your time but steam engines and coal mining and such just began to pollute all the air. That's what got the ball rolling. It's your generation that opened Pandora's industrial box."
"Kate, all I wanted to do was take a dip in your giant bathtub. I didn't mean to cause the whole world to come to an end."
"Speaking of coming to an end Kid, maybe this would be a good time for us to be on our way. If we stay on this subject for too long, Kate's gonna want to write a story. If that story includes cow farts, well that's gonna put us on another cattle drive."
"Ah, good point Heyes. Kate, you have a good holiday building a fire to pollute the air and jumping into your outdoor bathtub. Heyes and me will go pester some other writer about this cancellation business."
Kate smiled. "I think that's a fine idea boys."