Rude Awakenings
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Kate sat at her desk rereading the 20,000 word, nearly completed story she had been laboring over for days, if not… a week but, when the chime of the doorbell sounded, she quickly hit the save button to answer the door.
On the porch was a uniformed postal delivery man with a legal-size white envelope in his hand. Kate opened the door and gave him a friendly smile. "May I help you?"
"Registered letter," he explained and thrust a clipboard in front of her. "Sign here."
Kate signed the form on the clipboard after verifying her name on the envelope.
"Thank you. Have a nice day, Ma'am."
Ignoring his offending use of the word Ma'am, Kate closed the door and walked into the living room with the registered letter. She noted the return address was NBC Universal Studios. As she opened the letter and began reading, heavy wrinkles formed on her brow. When she had read it once, she slumped into a chair and reread the letter a second and a third time.
It has come to our attention that you et al have been exploiting fictional characters owned by Universal Studios, Inc. Cease and desist immediately or we will be forced to take legal action. Said characters include Hannibal Heyes, Kid Curry, and all associated characters.
Sincerely,
Mr. Warner Brothers, Senior Marketing Executive
"Oh, Dear Lord," Kate bemoaned.
"Kate, is something wrong? You sound distressed," asked the familiar voice of one Hannibal Heyes.
Kate raised her eyes, expecting to see her two favorite outlaws standing in front of her. But what she saw was both puzzling and a bit frightening. The two outlaws were shrouded in a fog so thick all she could really see were two still crystal blue eyes looking back at her.
"Kate, did you ghost us?" Kid asked, then looked at his partner and shrugged because he himself was uncertain about what he had just asked.
Kate's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh, Dear Lord," she again exclaimed. "I must really be in trouble."
"Kate, focus on the two of us," Heyes told her sternly. "I think if you focus real hard on the two of us, maybe we, and whatever this problem is, will become clearer."
Kate nodded and squeezed her eyes shut and focused on her favorite image of Kid Curry."
"Kate, now's not the time for a bubble bath. Think of something else!" Kid scolded harshly.
Kate took a deep breath and pictured the two standing in front of her. When she opened her eyes again, they were indeed much clearer. "That worked," she told them.
"So, what's the problem?" Heyes asked.
Kate handed Heyes the letter which he quickly read, then handed it to his partner.
"It's signed by someone named Warner Brothers," Kate said. "Is he even real? I know there was a Warner Brothers Studios way back when, but Warner was the last name of the four brothers who started the business."
"He exists," Kid said with a heavy sigh. "And he's nothing by trouble."
"He's in charge of marketing all the old shows to the cable companies, and he never gets us hooked up with one of the big cable networks cause none of them want to deal with a fifty-episode series. When he is able to cut a deal, it's always with some network with a small budget and they want to run the show so late at night that nobody except Rachel stays up to watch it," Heyes explained.
"How do you know so much about cable companies and marketing?" Kate asked. "I mean this is a modern problem, not something you'd encounter in your era."
"Because every one of you writers has gotten or will be getting one of these letters and that means every one of you writers has been summoning us for help," Heyes explained.
"So, we had to do our homework," Kid added.
"Have you come up with a solution?" Kate asked hopefully.
"Not yet, but we will," Heyes assured her.
That answer was not what Kate wanted to hear and she threw her hands to her face and began sobbing. "I don't want to go to prison!" she exclaimed, "I've read plenty of prison stories. I've even written one. I'm an old lady and I know I wouldn't last a week in prison."
Kid nodded. "That's a sure bet."
"Kid! You're just gonna make matters worse with that kind of talk!" Heyes told him.
"Sorry, Kate. You'll do fine in prison."
"Shut up!" Heyes demanded and again Kid shrugged innocently.
"Maybe the alter-egos could help. I could write to them and ask?" Kate suggested.
"Are they even still around?" Kid asked. "I mean it's been over fifty years."
"They're still around. I saw a recent photo where they ran into each other in a parking lot."
"Was anybody hurt?" Heyes asked with genuine concern.
"Well, they didn't literally run into each other. They just happened to see each other in a parking lot."
"So, they ain't feeble. They both just have poor eyesight but, they still get around?" Kid asked.
"They both appear to be doing quite well but, I'm afraid we're getting too far away from the subject at hand," Kate replied. "Now how can we make this potential lawsuit go away?"
Kid pulled his gun from the holster and masterfully twirled it on his finger. "I know one way," he replied.
"Put that away before someone gets hurt," Heyes told him. "Nobody wears a gun in Kate's time except the law."
"True. Today they carry concealed weapons," Kate informed them.
"Nothing intimidating about a hidden weapon," Kid grumbled. "You wanna intimidate someone, you show him your hardware," Kid said as he holstered his gun.
"We don't want to intimidate anyone. We just want to make this Warner Brothers fellow understand that what we writers do is totally innocent and not harmful to the series in the least," Kate explained. "Besides Kid, you're an icon of the Old American West, which means you are a member of the only group that California still actually puts in jail."
"So, what do they do with real criminals?" Kid asked.
Kate shook her head. "Don't ask."
"I wonder if this Brothers fella is rich," Heyes mused as an idea slowly began to form.
"He works in Hollywood. That means he's rich," Kate replied.
Kid shook his head. "No, there's a lot of starving artists in Hollywood. Just look at William Houston and Janet Bell."
Kate and Heyes looked at each other with confusion written all over their faces.
"Who?" Heyes asked.
"Exactly!" Kid replied.
"You two are beginning to fade again," Kate told them. "Better get back to the subject. Heyes, why do you want to know if Brothers is rich?"
Heyes smiled mischievously. "Because Kid and me could rob him."
"That's a good idea!" Kid exclaimed. "A poor man ain't a powerful man."
"That's illegal," Kate reminded them both. "And if the police ever discovered that the three of us even discussed this, I could go to jail."
"I thought you said nobody goes to jail in California," Kid replied.
"That's true, but I don't live in California,"Kate reminded him.
"What ever happened to free speech?" Kid asked.
"Exactly!" Kate replied in true Kid Curry fashion.
"Then I guess all you writers have just three choices," Heyes told her. "You could all stop writing, in which case the Kid and me will just fade into oblivion."
"Oh, we could never let that happen!" Kate exclaimed.
"Then you could all try to set up a meeting with Warner Brothers or…."
"Or what?"
"Or you could fight it in court."
Kate sighed. "I don't like any of those options, Heyes. There's got to be a fourth possibility."
"I've got it!" Kid exclaimed excitedly.
"What?" Kate asked.
"Aliases!" Kid exclaimed.
"Kid, that's already been tried. I mean, it's sort of the whole premise of the show," Kate reminded him.
"I know and that's exactly why it's such a good idea! All you and your… excentric friends out there in the light web…"
"Light web?" Kaste interrupted.
"You know, the wholesome side of the dark web," Kid replied.
"No, I don't know," Kate said cautiously. "But we'll let it go at that. Just tell me the rest of your idea."
"Well, you and all your story-writing friends can settle on the use of a couple of aliases that everyone will know will really be us, using new names. Of course, you'll hafta give all the old familiar characters new names too, but you'll figure all that out," Kid explained. "Like, you could change Wheat to Alalfa."
"I think that's been done, but I get your drift," Kate replied.
"I'll bet this Warner Brothers fella don't have a copyright on every spelling of Heyes," Heyes added. "My alias could become… Professor Hays, and Kid could be Hot Kiss Curry!"
"Hot Kiss Curry?" Kid asked. "I like it but how did you come up with that?"
"From Hotchkiss. A little play on words, so to speak."
"I think that's been done before as well," Kate said, remembering one of her own old stories. "But it does have a rather… sensual ring to it."
"Hot Kiss it is!" Kid exclaimed with broad smile. "Your new story page could be called 'Alias Professor and Hot Kiss!'"
Kate shook her head. "That sounds too much like something from the dark web but I'm sure we can come up with something."
"You know Kid, you might be on to something," Heyes replied. "But maybe you ought to take it one step further…."
"How do you mean?" Kate asked.
"Maybe letting this Warner Brothers fella know you and your friends have alternative options for continuing on with your weird little cowboy alternative to Trekkies. That might make him think twice about stirring up any trouble. After all, he could lose all public interest in his copyright characters and then where would he be?"
Kate smiled triumphantly. "He'd be in syndication limbo. Oh Heyes, Kid, I think you've solved the problem!"
"I think you mean Professor and Hot Kiss," Kid replied.
"Nope. I mean Heyes and Kid. Surely Brothers will not want to risk losing all public interest in Hannibal Heyes and Kid Curry and will willingly give us the green light to write again! Heyes, you really are a genius!"
"Excuse me?" Kid snarled.
"Oh, and you too, Kid. You are definitely a genius, too," Kate replied and quickly shot Heyes a sly wink.
"All it takes is a couple of pretty good bad men to make things happen," Heyes told her.
"Alright Kate, now that this is settled, you can start thinkin' about me and that bubble bath again."
Kate smiled. "I must confess to you Kid I never stop thinking about you and a bubble bath. It's always floating around somewhere in my mind."