Gambler and the Android
International Bingo Book Entry: 34581
Name: Naruto Uzumaki
Age: 13
Gender: Female
Clan: Uzumaki
Mother: Unknown
Father: Unknown
Current Legal Guardian: The Hokage
Affiliation: Konohagakure
Rank: Jounin
Mentors: Kakashi Hatake and Jiraiya the Sannin
Preferred Food: Ramen
Hobbies: Pranking, gardening, self-glorifying, eating ramen
Preferred Techniques: Rasengan, Shadow Clone Jutsu
Preferred Weapon: The Raijin
Specialties:
Vast chakra reserves
Sage Mode
Toad Summoning Contract
Mastery of all Natural Chakra Transformations
Mission Record:
67 D-rank missions
1 A-rank mission
1 S-rank mission
Feats:
Defeated Zabuza Momochi of the Hidden Mist
Defeated Haku, the last user of Ice Release
Defeated Gaara of the Sand in his Ichibi Mode
Defeated and crippled Orochimaru
Defeated two reanimated Hokages
Threat Level: ?
Facts: Known for being incredibly dense and arrogant. While easily fooled, she remains highly unpredictable, making her difficult to counter directly. Though she may seem comical in her behavior, Naruto Uzumaki's abilities mark her as an unpredictable force with potential for significant threat. She has faced and overcome foes well beyond her age and experience level. Further observation recommended.
Û~Û
Tsunade Senju stared at the stack of coins in front of her like they were plotting her demise. The clinking of the winnings felt too… victorious. Something was wrong, she just knew it.
Next to her, Shizune was happily chomping away on an Iwa cheeseburger, completely oblivious. That is, until Tsunade clicked her tongue sharply, causing Shizune to look up, mid-bite, eyes wide like a deer caught in headlights.
"I've been winning too much today," Tsunade muttered, holding up a lottery ticket like it was a cursed scroll. "First prize… something bad is going to happen."
Shizune, mouth full of cheeseburger, waved her free hand dismissively. "Oh, Lady Tsunade, it's just a superstition, nothing more." She swallowed her bite, giving Tonton, the pig nestled comfortably on her lap, a quick pat. Tonton oinked in agreement, nodding as though he were a sage of ancient wisdom.
Tsunade, however, wasn't convinced. "Superstition or not, I've got a feeling." She frowned, the kind of deep frown that wrinkled your forehead like bad laundry. "We should get out of this town."
Shizune stopped mid-chew, raising an eyebrow. "Why? What could possibly be worse than Orochimaru asking you to fix his janky, non-existent hands?"
"I don't know…" Tsunade's voice trailed off, her eyes narrowing at the door. "But I've got this feeling. Like a massive migraine is coming my way."
Shizune sighed. Lady Tsunade had been acting weird ever since Orochimaru's 'morning visit.' He'd sauntered in like a bad memory, all slithery and smarmy, asking Tsunade to heal his mysteriously non-working hands. When she, unsurprisingly, told him to get lost, he'd cursed her.
"You ungrateful wretch! You'll be damned by her! She's coming for you!"
At the time, Shizune had brushed it off. But now, seeing how spooked Tsunade was… maybe that snake had been onto something. But who was 'her'?
Before she could ponder it further, a muffled voice came from outside the casino door.
"Let me in at once. Dattebayo."
Shizune blinked. That voice... sounded oddly robotic. Was that a girl?
The bouncer at the door didn't sound impressed. "Scram, kid! This place is for grown-ups only."
"I am an adult," the voice responded, flat, matter-of-fact.
"Yeah? Prove it." The guard chuckled. "What's the most important thing you need for bedroom activities, huh?"
"Teddy bear or plushie. Easy. Although I prefer lap pillows
Dattebayo."
There was a beat of silence, followed by the guard's hysterical laughter, which echoed through the casino entrance. "Kid, you crack me up!"
The voice, still robotic, replied, "Did I just crack a joke, old man?"
The guard wheezed, slapping his knee. "No, you are the joke!"
"You leave me no choice… Hidden Leaf Secret Taijutsu Technique: A Thousand Years of Death!"
Suddenly, there was a whooshing sound, followed by an ear-splitting scream from the guard. A second later, a loud crash resounded somewhere far off, like he'd been launched into orbit.
The casino door burst open, and in walked the source of the commotion: a girl with bob-cut white hair… glowing blue eyes? And a completely blank expression. She couldn't have been older than thirteen, dressed in a black frilly dress and—wait—were those high heels? She looked like she was trying out for a goth fashion show but had gotten lost on the way.
Her face remained neutral, though she looked mildly annoyed, muttering something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like, "Stupid old man, couldn't handle a thousand years of death…"
Shizune squinted at the girl, trying to place her. There was something about her—something familiar. Had she seen her before? Maybe in the papers? Or a TV show, perhaps?
The girl, her movements stiff like a robot trying too hard to imitate humans, approached a group of gamblers sitting at a nearby table.
"Huh? What do you want?" a fat man grunted, glaring at the strange little intruder.
Without missing a beat, the girl answered, "I am looking for an old woman. Dattebayo."
The man snorted. "Your granny? Well, no money, no info, kid."
The girl's eyes, still as deadpan as ever, narrowed slightly. "I… uh… am very poor. My granny… uh… doesn't want to look after me. I am searching for her. Dattebayo."
The man shot her an irritated look, clearly not buying it. But before the girl could launch into another weird explanation, she turned and walked to the next table, her creepy robotic movements making everyone stare.
This time, she approached a woman sitting at the far end. "What's your granny's name?" the woman asked, confused but somewhat amused by the girl's persistence.
"Oh, Tsunade Senju," the girl replied, like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Tsunade, who had been quietly counting her coins, froze mid-count. Her eyes went wide, and for a second, she almost dropped her precious winnings.
The woman blinked in surprise before slowly pointing at Tsunade. "Uh… she's right there."
The girl's head tilted to the side like a curious puppy—except a lot creepier—and she made her way over to Tsunade's table. When she stopped in front of Tsunade, she stared for a moment before her lips twitched into something resembling a smile. But it was more like a bad imitation of a smile, like she'd practiced in front of a mirror but hadn't quite nailed it.
"You don't look like a granny," the girl said flatly, cocking her head again. "This is a henge, right? Cool way to hide that you're old. Dattebayo."
Tsunade's eyebrow twitched violently. Her fists clenched. "Who the hell do you think you are?!"
With a dramatic flourish—well, as dramatic as a robot could manage—the girl struck a pose that was supposed to look heroic but instead looked like she'd been caught in the middle of trying to untangle herself from invisible wires.
"Naruto Uzumaki, Jounin of Konoha," she declared in a robotic monotone, "the White Flash of the Leaf and the Future Hokage on a mission to take you back to Konoha to become the Fifth Hokage. Dattebayo."
Shizune's jaw dropped. "Lady Tsunade… I read about her in the latest Bingo Book. I think that your ex-teammate was talking about her…"
Tsunade groaned, her head dropping into her hands. "Of course he was…"
The girl, apparently Naruto, seemed very pleased with herself, her deadpan expression brightening just a little, as if she was happy her name was recognized. She plopped herself down at their table and, without so much as asking, grabbed Tsunade's super rare, ultra large expensive ostrich sandwich and took an enormous bite out of it.
"Now," she chewed, crumbs falling all over the place, "let's talk. Dattebayo."
She swallowed the entire sandwich in one gulp, much to Tsunade's horror, and stared blankly at the table like she was waiting for an encore.
Shizune couldn't help but facepalm. This was going to be a long day.
Û~Û
Shizune glanced around the small inn room, feeling like she'd wandered into some surreal nightmare. The whole scene was bizarre enough to make anyone question reality. How on earth had she ended up here, of all places? But then again, how could anyone resist the creepy, emotionless, and oddly demanding girl who'd managed to get them all into this mess by threatening to reveal Tsunade's "youthful" appearance? The Sannin had reluctantly agreed to come along, if only to avoid public humiliation. And now here they were, stuck in a room with… whatever this was.
Naruto sat cross-legged on the floor, slurping her way through an enormous bowl of instant ramen with all the finesse of a vacuum cleaner on high speed. Her eyes, deadpan and devoid of any hint of emotion, flicked up occasionally to glance at Tsunade with a look that could only be described as, well… eerie. She chewed like she was a robot on autopilot, her gaze unsettlingly focused on the Sannin, who was glaring back with enough intensity to melt steel.
"H… help… me…" a raspy voice whimpered from the bed.
Oh, and then there was the mummy in the room.
On the bed lay a man wrapped from head to toe in bandages, eyes wide and practically glowing red with a mix of horror and pain. His whole vibe screamed, "get me out of here" as if he'd somehow ended up in the wrong anime. Shizune half-expected him to burst into a puff of smoke, revealing this whole scene as a genjutsu. Frankly, she wouldn't have been surprised.
But Naruto didn't seem phased at all. In fact, she didn't even look up from her ramen.
"Quiet, Bastard," Naruto said with a casual wave of her chopsticks. "I'm trying to concentrate."
The man on the bed gave a guttural groan. "You… idiot…"
Naruto's face remained impassive, though there was a faint twitch of annoyance in her eye. "What? You got your butt handed to you by Ichari, or whatever his name was, and I personally tended to your wounds. You should be grateful."
The mummy let out another pained grunt. "You… moron…"
"Oh, and by the way, let's not forget you peeked under my skirt when I was busy saving your sorry hide. I get that my beauty is pretty much irresistible, but even closet perverts have limits, pal. Dattebayo."
Tsunade had had enough. With a scowl that could split mountains, she slammed her fist down onto the mat so hard that Shizune jumped. "Just where the hell is Jiraiya?!"
Naruto slurped another noodle with obnoxious enthusiasm, then tilted her head, still unfazed. She slowly swallowed, drank the remaining broth with an overly dramatic sip, and finished off by chugging an entire glass of water. Finally, she looked up, as though emerging from some sacred ramen-induced trance.
"Ah, thank kami for the divine cuisine. Dattebayo." She let out a blissful sigh, then turned her vacant stare on Tsunade. "Yes, Granny?"
Tsunade's eyebrow twitched. Before anyone could blink, she lunged forward, grabbed Naruto by the collar, and lifted her off the ground until they were eye to eye. The younger girl dangled in her grasp like an inconvenient houseplant, entirely unfazed.
"Don't call me that," Tsunade growled through clenched teeth. "Now, where is Jiraiya?"
Naruto blinked, her face still blank as a slate. "Oh, he's peeping on the second floor."
Tsunade's face went from frustration to sheer, molten rage. "You mean to say he was here the whole time?!"
Naruto tilted her head, apparently oblivious to the storm brewing in Tsunade's expression. "Well, yeah. At least I got enough time to finish twelve cups of ramen. It's a win-win."
"It isn't!" Tsunade snapped, her voice echoing around the room like a thunderclap.
Naruto tilted her head further, as if trying to understand why Tsunade wasn't seeing the "win-win" here. "Okay…?"
"Call him."
Just as Naruto opened her mouth to probably spout more nonsense, the door slid open, and in strolled Jiraiya, looking flushed, a bit dazed, and wearing a grin that would've looked more at home on a lecherous teenager.
"Hey, kids! What's all the noise about—?"
"JIRAIYA!" Tsunade's voice hit a new octave as she drew her fist back. Jiraiya barely had time to blink before her punch connected with his face, sending him crashing through the wall, creating a Jiraiya-shaped hole as he flew off into the distant landscape.
Naruto, now free from Tsunade's grip, looked mildly interested as she turned back to her next food item— Ramen Burger. "Well," she mused, taking a ginormous bite, "that's one way to call him. Dattebayo."
Meanwhile, on the bed, the bandaged man sighed deeply. "At least I'll have a companion in my mummy club now. Hn. … Wait… why am I thinking like Naruto?!"
Shizune slapped a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter, though her eyes were wide with horror at the chaos around her. But, hey, if anything, this was going to make for one heck of a story later on.
Û~Û
Author Note:
I hope you liked this chapter. Drop your thoughts in the review section. Your words motivate me to write better.
Next chapter: The Sannin and an Android.