He wanted to go after her, perhaps grab her by the shoulder, and interrogate her with every method that was legal and efficient until she told him what she really meant. But L held back nonetheless. Whatever the answer would be, he dared not face it yet, especially when he hadn't figured out what he was going through. Instead, it was time to return to his place. With thoughts of Meredith and the dance tangled in his mind, he started stuffing the books into the white bag that Watari had left for them.
When Watari saw L emerging from the entrance of the orphanage, he didn't expect the gloom on L's expression, as if he had swallowed something he didn't like, nor did he anticipate that Meredith would not be following behind. It was the first time she had not seen them off, and it alarmed him, wondering what had happened during his absence. After they moved out, upon returning to Wammy's House, Watari decided to grant the two teens some space, as they were old enough for him not to be constantly present. He spent his time dealing with lingering administrative matters that demanded his signature, and he had a nice chat with Roger. Although most of the time Roger complained that Watari shouldn't have left all the tasks for him, he still answered all of Watari's questions in detail.
He adjusted the rearview mirror of the luxurious black Jaguar, reflecting his own grey eyes and the pensive teen seated behind. Although most of the time when L was in the car, he didn't talk much, today his demeanor seemed more deadpan than usual.
"Anything on your mind?" Watari inquired as he started the car with the engine roaring into life, and slowly driving away from the institution.
As the Wammy's House gradually faded into the distance, shrinking to a mere speck visible through the rearview window of the vehicle, the teenager in the backseat remained unresponsive to Watari's inquiry. He placed his thumb between his lips and drew his knees closer to his chest.
Usually, L sits "normally" when seated in the car, Watari thought.
"Something bothering you?"
L's expression remained deadpan, and he appeared unwilling to answer.
Watari added, "Meri didn't see us off this time, did she?"
"M-hm." Finally. A response.
"It couldn't be that you're having a quarrel with Meri, could it? You two hardly ever fight, except for those arguments over which experimental method is more efficient when conducting the Coulomb Titration experiment," Watari replied with a chuckle, reminiscing about the scene.
That was, like, five years ago? When they were both still children, L was still living at Wammy's Watari entering L's room, Meredith hurriedly flopped into his legs, burying her face in them. At first, judging by how she raced to him and her eagerness, Watari thought she would have a sniffy face, almost on the verge of crying, and he wondered what had happened when he was not in the room. However, her expression wasn't one of defeat or seeking comfort; instead, it was sharp and determined, and she began to babble, "The Method of Initial Rates isn't the best method in the Coulomb titration experiment when it comes to this condition because..."
…And she went on with a rapid and impassioned speech, presenting her reasoning and pleading for Watari to give a verdict on the debate between her and L. To add to the situation, L joined in, fiercely counter-debating, which made Watari even more bewildered at that moment, with both of them claiming they were right.
"I am justice!" Quite a surprise from Meredith when she cried out the same words as L on his first day in the orphanage. They do have some impact and became more similar over time. The two children had a small cold war after that, unwilling to talk to each other, and were both finding more resources to support their own stances. Watari had to step in for this "fight" and then make them let go of this subject, stating that "it's a case-by-case answer, so both of you are right."
Watari looked in the rearview mirror at L. Ah, children, they grow so fast. L certainly was no longer a boy anymore. Neither was Meredith. In his eyes, they were equally dear to him, although he had to admit that he spent more time on L than on Meredith and the rest of the children in Wammy's House. They had grown up together, and to him, they were like siblings.
"Siblings have quarrels all the time, I am surprised that you two rarely fight - "
"No, we haven't had any quarrel," L interrupted, not looking up from the view outside the car windows, rocking himself. His mind was spinning, starting to deduce the situation as if it was an unsolved case—if she had claimed to be the piano accompanist for the ball, then dancing wouldn't be necessary for her to learn. So, why did she still ask him to practice with her?
He regretted not chasing after her—damn it, it was just on the other side of the third floor from his room—he should have gone after her, but he hesitated. Something held him back.
Lavender. The scent of lavender. As L observed her features, memories of the fragrance from the herb field they had visited together flitted into his mind. She had mentioned it before, describing it as calming and sleep-inducing. However, he couldn't recall her having that scent before, at least not consciously. It seemed to be a scent that had only recently become associated with her. Perhaps it was only recently that he noticed what kind of scent she uses.
There was something else about that scent when they were dancing. He found himself wanting to take a closer sniff, to lean in towards her, and inhale the fragrance that seemed to emanate from her hair or skin — wherever it originated — and sink into it deeply.
No. It didn't feel right. His hands instinctively tightened into a grip. Besides, it's just lavender. He knows that. Yet, an inexplicable sense of inappropriateness lingered within him. There was an urge, new and rather uncontrollable, primal and untamed. He had seen it in some culprits' eyes. It wasn't merely impulsiveness of anger, but more like a burst of energy, a misplaced longing for pleasure that drove people to crave unruly conduct towards others and commit some of the most disgusting crimes he could never truly understand.
Suddenly, it hit him—the impulsiveness of desire. Was it because she was the closest female around him? If solely based on this, having such desires repulsed him. Despite his mastery of deduction, he couldn't fathom indulging in such an impulse, nor could he bear the idea of harboring these indescribable emotions.
The thought of this brought a twitch to his brow. I must be losing my mind, he thought, attempting to hold back the feeling of nausea, and struggling to regain his focus on Watari's inquiry in order to distract himself from his current mindset.
Siblings, he said?
Taking his gaze away from the window, L shifted his attention to Watari. "Siblings... do you consider Meri and me to be like siblings?" he inquired, his tone reflecting a curiosity that wasn't always present in his conversations.
"Ah, yes," Watari responded, his gaze briefly meeting L's in the rearview mirror before returning to the road.
"Why?"
"Well... to an extent, from my own observation, you two share a kind of relationship that is closer to that of family. Being there for each other despite not fully comprehending the troubles the other is facing, but still wishing them the best is enough."
L contemplated his words while wiggling his bare toes. Watari's words seemed to correspond with his relationship with Meredith, being much more accurate and closer to reality than what he had previously researched. Affection, relationship between two person, romance, love…
He followed up with another question, "Does that mean siblings love each other?"
"I think the majority of siblings do share the general definition of love for each other, but there are exceptions that do not."
L resumed to his thoughts. From his earliest memories, he had known solitude. Family, siblings, relatives... they were unfamiliar and distant concepts to him. As for Watari, he was his handler and spokesperson.
As he pondered, his fingers tapped a rhythm on his bent knees. If, according to Watari's definition of family, then perhaps the connection between him and Meredith indeed held a camaraderie that had grown over the years. It was a bond of deep understanding, a relationship that was, at the very least, closer to family or platonic in nature. But it didn't explain the shift in dynamics... and the feeling when they were dancing… Do siblings feel desire for each other? Does family evolve into something else? It seemed much more nuanced than that.
"Have you danced before, Watari?"
"Yes, on some occasions."
"What occasions?"
"Oh, maybe someone's party…maybe to celebrate something…"
"Who do you dance with?"
"Anyone you like."
"Do siblings dance?"
"Why not? Family, lovers, colleagues…as long as two persons agree to dance, they can dance."
"So you dance with Roger, too."
There was a brief pause from Watari before him replying, "…Yes, I have danced with Roger before."
"In what occasion?"
Watari stole another glance in the rearview mirror. It was rare that L was interested in something that was not related to investigations and cases.
"When we were both serving in MI6, there was a colleague's wedding, which was rather rare. People like us don't consider entering family life as an option. Having someone to lose is too painful for the heart, and in the majority of cases, being the one that breaks the other person's heart. But they nonetheless entered marriage together."
"Why?"
"People enter marital relationships for various reasons, L. However, in the intelligence field, determining whether it's an act of bravery or foolishness isn't always straightforward," chuckled Watari. Yet, L keenly observed that beneath his smile, a touch of pity lingered, though he couldn't fully understand it, much like the thoughts he was grappling with earlier. It appeared that there were many more things he couldn't decipher, hinting that more puzzles awaited him to fathom.
The car resumed its silence, with only the soft humming sound of the engine resonating. Watari continued to observe L through the rearview mirror as the skies turned dark and rain began to fall. The pattering of raindrops grew more intense, and the wipers started to move across the windshield, creating a repetitive swishing sound with each gentle swoosh.
"Roger had informed me that K suggested to lessen up the successor program."
"It's up to you. I don't care," replied L coldly.
"I also wanted you to reconsider talking to them - "
"No. It's not necessary. Besides, I am no role model."
"They do look upon you as one - "
"They can do much better without me talking to them in person. Seeing someone like me wouldn't contribute to anything good, but only adds things worse. Only a fool would ask for my opinion, and I know nothing about them."
"You can get to know them better by talking to them, just like how you learn something new about Meri every time you talk to her."
A subtle tightening of his jaw betrayed his irritation as Watari mentioned Meredith, prompting a slight shift in his seat. The puzzlement arising from Meredith had already boggled his mind enough, serving as a constant reminder that he hadn't yet figured out the answers to the recent questions plaguing him. It felt as though, once again, Meredith had gained the upper hand in the intricate game of unraveling puzzles, leaving him with an undeniable sense of defeat.
L retorted, "Meri is Meri, and successors are successors. If Meri is a successor, then I will consider a different approach."
"You know well that Meri would not be a successor."
"So that settles it. At the moment, there is no necessity to talk to them in person," L replied with his characteristic directness.
He was not interested, Watari sighed, his breath exhaled, but he had tried. The next thing he now had to do was to inform Roger. He was familiar with L's stubbornness, but even he knew only half of what went on in L's mind.
The rain was growing heavier, splattering against the windshield of the car and fracturing the view outside. Glistening raindrops raced in reverse at the side windows, chasing one another and merging into larger drops.
"The instructors did provide me a brief report on how the boys are doing," said Watari. "By any chance, are you interested to know their progress?"
"No. They meet your standard and instruction is enough, and I do not need to know their progress."
"Ah, well."
Let him be.
Argh.
Maybe that was a bit too bold. Dancing. What– why- how in the world did she muster that courage to ask L to dance with her- what was she thinking?
And L agreed. She was slightly taken aback, as she had been expecting him to refuse such an activity. While she concealed her surprise beneath her usual demeanor, another emotion coursed through her veins when he agreed: a surge of joy and happiness. It differed from the usual comfort and security when she was with Watari and L. It was thrilling, like a boost of adrenaline.
Dancing was certainly not an act that L would typically engage in; his agreement was out of character… or maybe she didn't know him well enough. But why did he act like it was something so ordinary and unremarkable, as if it were a routine they had done before? This was her first experience dancing with someone, and she was certain that L had never danced with anyone else. Did this mean he failed to realize the significance beyond her usual behavior?
Come to think of it – it was obvious that she had the intention to dance with him – After all, she revealed to him that she needn't learn how to dance in the end - It was obvious, right? L would figure out her intention, wouldn't he?
The tip of the pen constantly tapped the blank page of Meredith's notebook as she unconsciously continued to tap the paper while lost in thought. Of course, it was just harmless teasing, and no one was hurt, but she couldn't shake off the embarrassment she felt for revealing her intention. The decision to ask him to dance left her feeling quite ashamed, and as a result, she decided not to see him off that time, understanding that it was time for him to return to his place. Once she was back in her room, she instantly flopped onto her bed, covering her face with her pillow. The rush of blood and the heat of embarrassment turned her cheeks red, almost as if she were having an allergic reaction.
Now she was feeling regretful. If he did not feel anything about her, then it means that the shift that she was feeling was only one-sided. Was this…unrequited?
Tormented by thoughts, Meredith sank her head until it was almost touching the table. Her hands covered her face, her cheeks burning and the rush of blood turning her ears pink. She felt utterly mortified by the swirling thoughts in her mind.
"You're okay?" Adam was sitting just across her at the desk in the library, doing his assignments from the instructors, noticing her flopping to the table.
Meredith jerked her head up, regaining her composure, "Y-yeah, I'm fine. Have you finished that equation problem?"
"M-um."
After the first encounter in the library, with some appointments from Adam, she instructed his composition and finished supervising the piece, which Adam forwarded his friend's comment, "He really enjoyed it." Since then, Adam would continue to learn some more music theory from Meredith, and sometimes would ask for her help on the assignments that the instructors assigned to him. It was then Meredith realized how difficult subjects Adam was learning, much more challenging than what she was learning when she was his age. What he was learning may be two years ahead of his peers, she estimated.
The boy before her returned his focus to his math assignments. As Meredith observed Adam more closely, she realized that he hadn't been very similar to L when she first saw him. While there were some aspects of his demeanor that resembled L, such as his monotone speech and tendency to slouch, there were also some differences. She noticed his increasing eye bags and shadows under his eyes, which seemed to grow more intense each time she saw him. She was concerned about his sleeping schedule, as children his age needed sufficient sleep, unless there were certain conditions affecting it. However, he didn't want to talk about it, merely stating that "It's part of the training."
In addition to the differences between Adam and L, contrary to L's pale skin tone, Adam had faint freckles on his cheeks, a feature L didn't possess. Moreover, while L had raven-black hair, Adam's hair had a touch of brown-black, a hue that only revealed itself when it caught the sunlight streaming through the library windows.
Unlike L, who had thin eyebrows almost to the point of being nonexistent, Adam had well-defined brows that enhanced his dark eyes. Although his eyes were also similar to L's, they didn't quite share the same "dead-fish" like quality.
"How's your friend doing? If he's interested in music, perhaps you could bring him along," she attempted to strike up a conversation with Adam. He wasn't very talkative either, yet he displayed an endearing charm when completing assignments and receiving compliments from her. Even though she felt it was nothing, since Adam himself mostly completed all the assignments on his own, only seeking her advice. She only had to give him a hint and then he was good to go. His face would light up, briefly shedding his stern demeanor and revealing a more childlike aspect.
"...No, maybe not. I didn't tell him I asked for your advice on assignments. He's a competitive person; if he knew that my assignments were being checked and instructed by someone else, he'd feel imbalanced. But I still want to have all my answers right. I want to improve."
They both are competitive, hmm. Like L.
There was another thing that she noticed: L always stares. Intensely. Directly at the person he was talking to, unless he was not interested in the subject that they were talking about. If someone was not familiar with his habit of staring, they might feel uneasy about it.
Adam... Adam didn't stare; instead, his gaze didn't truly make direct eye contact with her when he was listening to her. It appeared as though he did, but in reality, his iris was slightly elevated, indicating that he wasn't gazing at her eyes but just above them. Perhaps this was due to shyness or hesitancy, resulting in his avoidance of direct eye contact. This didn't really bother her, as many children at Wammy's House lacked consistent eye contact and often remained absorbed in their own worlds. Exceptional minds with social quirks and idiosyncrasies were not uncommon in this unique orphanage, and she was well aware that not all geniuses were adept at social interaction.
But it was still strange. Most people avoid eye contact by looking at the floor or focused on things on their hands, fiddling with gadgets with their fingers, but not Adam.
He was staring into space again, which prompted her to ask with a smile, tilting her head, "What are you looking at?"
Adam snapped out of his reverie before replying, "Huh? Oh, nothing."
"You seemed to be gazing at the top of people's heads. Is there something in my hair?"
"No, it's just…just a fly. It's gone now."
"Oh." Perhaps she was reading too much into Adam's absent-mindedness.
Suddenly, Adam approached her with a question, his demeanor shifting to a more serious tone and undergoing a quite dramatic change. "…Have you been feeling unwell lately?"
It caught her off guard, as she hadn't anticipated such a swift shift in his expression. "Um, no - "
"...Have there been any significant changes happening around you?"
She couldn't fathom why he was asking those questions, and the intensity in a 12-year-old boy caught her off guard. His gaze appeared capable of piercing through people's spirits like a dagger, making it rather unsettling in that moment.
They weren't particularly close, which made her uncomfortable about sharing her thoughts. However, Meredith managed to conceal her uneasiness and replied with an innocent expression and a gentle tone, attempting to alleviate the tension caused by Adam's sudden change in demeanor, "No. Why do you ask?"
He paused, appearing hesitant to reply. When he finally spoke, his words puzzled her even more.
"You should distance yourself from the changes that are happening around you. It would be better for your well-being."
A/N:
Special thanks to reader Jen and Natsuki Sawada for commenting.
Life update: My ex texted me after 4 years of no contact. She said she missed me and she loves me. I concluded that L in my fanfic understands love more than she does.