As if a fish had been pulled to the surface and out of the water.
There was no air for her to breathe.
What is happening what is happening what is happening what is happening—
Meredith tried. The fragrance of the detergent powder, the scent of cleanliness coming from L's clothes—clearly laundered and ironed by Watari—was what she got. His coat and the texture of his white scarf were felt on her cheeks; it must be cashmere wool, very soft, comfortable, and warm. The same feeling that she experienced inside.
It certainly was addicting.
Confusion reigned supreme. Was it okay to feel such a flood of emotions and happiness? If she didn't push L away right now, she would be overdosed by this feeling and lost forever in this state and could never pull herself out; if she ever got used to this… she would become unable to get enough of it.
No. Meredith blinked. She can't. That would make her more emotionally dependent on him, with Watari as her only person she felt safe being dependent on. Now, adding another individual... and she knew, she knew that investing too much emotionally in others would only lead to heartache and painful outcomes. And L, with his career, or more precisely, his obsession, wouldn't be the best person to be emotionally invested in.
Meredith could feel L's embrace tightening. He is as he is…so blunt in expressing his thoughts…How cruel of you to do this, L. Everything she tried to distance herself from was in vain: avoiding him during the day, pretending not to notice him in the corridors by engaging with others, and attempting not to invite him to join her in Christmas preparations. All efforts to distance herself emotionally from L shattered, lasting only a few days.
Broken by a hug from L.
Her hands — she didn't know where to put them when she was pulled into his arms. Is it strange to hold back, or is it fine…
"Just for this once," Meredith thought. Just for this once, allowing the warmth of L's embrace to seep into her being. The last time she had been in his arms was years ago, on the day she cried in front of him; overtaken by emotions that day, she had never really taken the mental effort to savor it.
Slowly, she leaned gently on L's shoulders. They were much firmer and broader, quite a contrast to his slender appearance.
It was such a warm feeling, yet strange and ironic at the same time. This warmth emanated from a person who was usually socially detached, rational, and outwardly cold — a person who kept his emotions to himself to maintain his professional identity and secrecy, and she was well aware of that characteristic. However, what she was experiencing right now was a side of him so authentic that she feared him revealing it might harm him in some way. The possibility that him expressing such authentic emotions could expose him to danger that might be avoided by not doing so. And if L were exposed to danger because of revealing true emotions to her, she would take the blame.
Meredith could hear him whispering, hesitating but quite explicit. What am I going to do now, since you've made it clear not to ignore you…? But the person before her tightened his embrace once again, as if squeezing her would make her remember his request more strongly. It didn't cause her physical pain, and the warmth remained, but it surely tugged at her heart, an ache that made it difficult to deny his plea.
Yet, it was such a warm feeling, a warmth that was too inviting to reject. As for a solution to her potentially unrequited feelings, she decided she would think of one later. But for now...
She would rather suffocate than let go.
Adam said he wanted to see fireworks.
"I heard that we could see fireworks on the rooftop instead of the bedroom. The ones that will be set off at downtown."
"You haven't seen it before?"
"No."
Children were having fun on the lawn, playing tag and chasing after each other, or playing ball catching. It was a rare weather in winter, although still cloudy and dim for most of the time in day, there was a short period of time when the day was bright and winter sunlight lit up the lawn.
Nice ending for the year 1998.
"Have you been up there?" inquired Adam without making eye contact, a typical trait she had grown accustomed to. Compared to L's enigmatic demeanor, Adam's quirkiness was just one of the many unusual traits among the geniuses at Wammy's House. She sat on a stool she had taken from the common area, watching the boy beside her, who wore a dark green coat and was plucking the grass on the lawn.
"Yes, when Watari was in charge, he would allow children to stay up late to watch New Years fireworks."
"Roger doesn't allow that," replied Adam, flicking away an ant that had crawled onto the back of his hand. The ant shot into the air and disappeared from sight.
"Sadly, no," Meredith smiled wryly, picking up a snail from the grass and placing it in a safer spot where it won't accidentally be stepped on. "Mr. Ruvie prefers regular bedtimes. Do you want to see it?"
"I like flames."
"Fire can be beautiful, but beauty often hides within danger."
Adam noticed there was a slight coldness in Meredith's tone. "But humans cannot live without fire."
"That's true."
"Which means that some level of danger is necessary for survival."
Meredith gazed into Adam's sincere, innocent dark brown eyes. It was clear he harbored no hidden thoughts; these were his true feelings. She didn't disagree; she believed in taking risks, especially when life and death were at stake. The crucial question was why people chose to take risks: for personal gain, for the benefit of others, or driven by deeply held beliefs.
Flames had brought her survival and an end to those painful experiences, yet the memories still haunted her in the nights. Not once had she regretted her choices. She grasped this, but she also recognized it wasn't a topic she could delve into with Adam in great detail.
"You really want to watch the New Year's fireworks?"
"It's fine. I'll just stay up late in my bedroom."
That's boring. Watching fireworks on the rooftop is much better than from the windows of the bedroom. It's just something simple, and he should try it.
"I'll tell you what," Meredith signaled for Adam to come closer and whispered into his ear, "I'll inform Roger that I have a stargazing school assignment to complete. He allows such reasons. This will give me access to the rooftop. You can then meet me in my room before midnight, and we can go to the rooftop together."
Adam pulled away, his expression a mix of confusion and suspicion. He hadn't expected the teenage girl before him to suggest a method that involved breaking the orphanage's rules. "Is that acceptable?"
"Breaking this rule is harmless," shrugged Meredith, while a sly grin emerged on her face, "We're not doing anything wrong, and it won't cause any harm to others. Just stargazing and watching fireworks. After all, who can sleep soundly with all those fireworks going off outside?"
Coming up with topics for Adam to talk about proved challenging because his schedule was different from the typical schedule, which Meredith herself and other children mostly shared. To name a few, recess time for Adam was not the same that Meredith had when she was the same age as Adam, and that many things that she developed were in free study. It was Watari who believed in potential of children and that they would seek out what they were most interested and master it. Basic subjects like mathematics were required. However, from what she learnt from Adam's assignments that the tutors and professors assigned him, mathematics, science, and logic training had a greater rate in his studies. Not that Adam didn't master them, but they were quite advanced considering his age and her own learning experiences.
As for engaging a conversation with those who don't follow Wammy's House schedules— she had spent too much time with L to know what he was interested in and what he would talk about. Chatting with L was much easier. Ideology and deductions were what L would come up to discuss, and there were plenty of case studies and investigation tactics that he would babble about when he was in the mood, sometimes even too much into the mood, talking right into her face regardless of her being quite tired of the subject. As for topics brought up by her, most of the time, L found anything she said about 'normal' life intriguing.
But at least Adam had equal amount of free time as the children from his same age for Christmas till New Years break.
"Anything you look forward to do in the New Year?"
"…Learn Japanese."
He seemed to be prompted to learn other things that he was much more interested in, as he had gotten much more free time than he usually does. Adam stumbled upon a collection of Shueisha's shōjo manga magazine "Ribon" in the library, which Kimiko had subscribed to when she was at Wammy's, and later donated to the institution. He became intrigued by the manga "Akazukin Chacha" and began seeking Meredith's assistance with the dialogue bubbles and translations during the current break.
"Only looking at the images without understanding the dialogue bubbles is causing me anxiety," sighed Adam. As he muttered, little clouds formed and then vanished. "I can't always rely on you to translate and explain everything to me."
"Don't worry. You'll pick it up quickly."
Adam was learning fast, with three days he memorized the gojūon and start to try and write them. His progress was much more faster than Meredith anticipated, but maybe it was average for geniuses…as she remembered L memorized it in a day, and could read without hesitation within a month.
The rooftop was cold and windy, with the freezing breeze probing any gaps that winter coats and scarves failed to shield. They had to ensure every exposed area was securely wrapped to keep the wind at bay. Adam's cream—yellow scarf draped unevenly on his neck, hanging loosely, offering little protection against the biting wind.
Meredith extended her hand to him. "Here, let me help you with that."
She took the scarf, refolded it into halves, and carefully draped it around Adam's neck. Tucking one end into the loop she had created, then wove the other end beneath the loop to fashion a distinctive knot. Adjusting the scarf, she ensured it was snug enough to keep the cold at bay without being too tight.
"There," she said, "That should keep you warmer."
Adam mumbled a quick "thanks" and continued to watch the night skies, waiting for the countdown and fireworks.
L was the one who proposed seeing fireworks on the rooftop a few years ago, she thought, as she also waited for the countdown. They didn't seek permission from Watari; instead, they simply sneaked up to the rooftop to watch the fireworks bursting in the night sky. It wasn't long before Watari noticed that the keys to the rooftop were missing and came looking for them. They ended up watching the fireworks together that year. Following that occasion, Watari began taking those who were willing to stay up late till midnight to the rooftop to watch the fireworks, although most children would fall asleep before midnight. L hadn't participated since then.
"You're thinking about something?"
"Oh, yeah, I was thinking the first time I went up here with Watari and another…friend of mine," she quickly responded.
"Watari really likes you."
"He equally likes everyone."
"I never heard you talk about your friends except the ones at school."
"Well…I had some contact with K when she was here. Maybe you have heard of her? She just graduated not long ago."
"You know someone that has a code name?"
Meredith nodded. Adam seemed quite surprised.
"Who else do you know?"
"That's about it, really." Being the one that children looked up to, mentioning her personal connection with L in person would only lead to unnecessary disturbances.
"If Watari likes you so much, he might give you a code name. You might be the next M."
Meredith chuckled at Adam's reply. "Don't be silly, Adam. Receiving a code name is not merely based on Watari's fondness," said Meredith, "To earn Watari's trust and the opportunity to assist with his assignments to make the world a better place, one must excel in their field and gain Watari's approval."
"Don't you want that?" asked Adam, tilting his head. He looked incredibly like L when he does that.
Receive a code name. It never came across her mind before, and she took a moment to think about her answer. "Maybe, or maybe not. It doesn't matter; I just wanted to make Watari proud, regardless of getting a code name or not."
Adam went speechless for a while. Meredith wasn't sure if he was thinking, or it was waiting for the cold breeze that came blowing in their faces to go away.
He continued. "Do you think some codes are better than all the others?"
"No—how so?"
"Like. In all the alphabets, only the name L has successors to be raised."
"Code names can be passed down. If the code name user is—"
"Dead."
That's correct. "Or resigning from Watari's assignments. Why do you ask?"
"My friend. He wanted to succeed L."
A great blast of red fireworks reminded them of the start of the New Year, as they totally forgot the countdown. The red sparks of the downtown fireworks lit up the night skies, and lit up Adam's face with a red hue.
Mentioning L made Meredith freeze, but she quickly regained her composure. Besides, after the policy of choosing L's successors, every child brought to Wammy's House looked up to L and could potentially become a successor. Rankings were determined by performance in the institution, reflecting the priority of becoming a successor. Who wouldn't want to be the best among their peers?
"Then he'll have to work hard to succeed L," smiled Meredith.
"…He works hard. I believe he will," Adam muttered.
"Do you want to become a successor too, Adam?" whispered Meredith gently.
Adam turned and looked into her eyes. "Who wouldn't want to be L?"
Who would want to be in the position of L if they understood what he dealt with every day? Meredith wondered. Not being understood, solitude, and dealing with world issues every day, with life and death decisions placed in one's hands, and the judgment of others' lives by a single person... If it weren't for L's obsession with solving puzzles and cases, her predominant feelings toward him would be pity and distress. And what she knew was only a part of what L was encountering; there was much more that remained unknown to her.
"It's okay to be you, Adam. Being someone else is no better."
Meredith couldn't decipher Adam's expression. His eyes were blinking more—was it disbelief? His lips were pursed together, perhaps to quell a quiver of emotions or to hold back the words he wanted to say.
Adam buried his face in his scarf, and nodded.
Los Angeles, January 2, 1999.
L jolted awake, panting. His heart raced, pounding so hard it sent a sharp pain through his chest, to the extent that he could keep his head up. Pressing his hand on his chest, he tried to alleviate the pain as he waited for his heart rate to return to normal.
One second passed.
Ten seconds passed.
Thirty seconds passed.
After one minute, he finally could confirm he had collected himself.
Strange dreams, he thought.
Glancing around to reassure himself that he was back in reality: the crisp white sheets of the bed, the pile of sweets on the small desk to his left, and the large TV that could give him the illusion of being in a cinema. All of these reminded him that he was in a hotel in Los Angeles. His hand automatically reached out to the bedside, but it only met empty space and the coolness of the sheets.
The bed felt too spacious.
What had he expected? L ruffled his hair in slight embarrassment. Of course she wouldn't be here. The Christmas holidays spent with Meredith had made him accustomed to her presence. Sleeping beside her had been rather pleasant. Drifting off was effortless, his mind unburdened. Everything felt calm, like floating in space—no noise, nothing to disrupt him until he slipped into unconsciousness.
He expected this "disrupted" schedule to continue for a few more days, akin to jet lag. Soon, he knew, his sleeping patterns would return to their usual rhythms, becoming irregular and something unnecessary once again.
Christmas break seemed to stretch on for L, as he had finished all the cases that Watari submitted and scheduled for the New Year, leaving him with nothing else to do when arriving in Los Angeles.
He got up and toured the room, expecting to be alone in the hotel room. Watari was away for the AAI conference, so K should have been there. L didn't know much about K, except that she was slightly older than him and excelled in science. Watari was quite proud of her accomplishments, having introduced her to learn under one of the distinguished professors at Wammy's House, Kimihiko Nikaido. As usual, L didn't feel like meeting K or Nikaido in person. He had the option to observe the conference via the hidden camera on Watari's end whenever he wished, but today, he didn't feel the need to do so either.
Returning to the bedroom, L flopped back on the bed and stretched his arms across it, taking up all the space.
There was something that was bothering him in his head, but he couldn't seem to figure it out. It might be the hug, he thought while staring at the ceiling. The one he gave Meredith when she saw him off the last time. Was it enough to express that he cared whether or not she saw him off? When he pulled away, she seemed stunned, as if she hadn't expected it to happen. He waved goodbye and entered the car with Watari. Looking back at her through the rear window, she was still standing at the entrance of Wammy's House, waving slowly, just like she used to.
Was that hug enough to bring things back to normal? Or perhaps, to make her interactions with him normal? But what was considered normal, when he was sure that they were changing?
L gripped his palms and let out a sigh, flipped over to reach for his cellphone on the bedstand.
[Dec. 31, 1998, 16:00]
Happy New Year.
[Jan. 1, 1999, 00:00]
Happy New Year, L.
He tried hard not to simper at the text message. On New Year's Eve he had calculated the timing so that Meredith would receive the message at midnight on January 1st in England, even though in Los Angeles's time zone the new year hadn't arrived yet. He received her message while watching the fireworks in LA from the balcony of his hotel room with Watari, and realized that she too, had waited for his time zone to welcome the New Year. He never thought that these simple texts from her would stir up so much warmth inside him, making him feel a bit foolish. Fortunately, Watari wasn't around to see him simpering, or it would be too embarrassing.
L muttered the message. "Happy New Year, L."
Immediately, he could conjure her voice, her tone, and if he closed his eyes— her demeanor, the faint yet gentle smile she always had, and the dark eyes that held a spark which he was familiar with, all before his eyes.
The dream he just had also had a vivid image of her.
It was a long and murky dream. Nothing could be seen, but he felt as though he were floating in water, as if deep in the ocean, too deep for light to penetrate.
Sounds, voices, and echoes of murmurs and conversations surrounded him from all directions. L instinctively tried to pinpoint each source, but they seemed to emanate from everywhere. They were distant, difficult to decipher, but resonated with a sense of familiarity, fragments of something long past, yet they slipped away, rendering his attempts to understand and recall them futile.
It continued for quite a while, and then those voices and sounds began to coalesce into silver sparks, forming strings that floated around him amidst the darkness. Eventually, he started to hear vocabularies, terms that he could finally understand. Some were speaking to him, pleading for his help to save someone, which must have been a memory from watching victims through a monitor. Others were asking for his assistance, and some were disagreeing with him, proposing strong dissenting opinions.
Each of them called his name, whether it was L, Coil, Deneuve, or any of his aliases.
Among all the voices and sounds, one voice stood out, calling his name. It was Watari's voice beckoning him from above, and he became aware that he was ascending, as if being lifted by buoyancy. Gradually, the impenetrable darkness unraveled, like fog dissipating. As he directed his eyes upward, he found himself surrounded by vast waters, immersed in the embrace of the blue hues with sunlight piercing through. The waters shimmered as gentle movements and subtle currents carried him into a peaceful state within the dream.
L continued to ascend, and as he thought he was about to touch those shimmering lights at the water surface, the surroundings soon changed and transform into a blank canvas, devoid of any defining features. Looking around, he was no longer floating, but standing in the midst of the whiteness.
Far away on a distant end, he noticed there was a speck, barely discernible.
With each blink, the speck became closer.
Blink. What's that?
Blink. It seemed like…
Blink. A person.
Blink. Heart pounding.
Blink. Figure is drawing closer.
Blink. Heart pounding is getting more vigorous.
Blink. It hurts.
Blink. It's—
Blink. Meri.
With each blink brought her closer to L, until finally she stood before him. He couldn't say anything. He didn't know why. Their eyes locked in a silent moment, hanging heavy.
And then she spoke.
「君を…見ている…」(I…see…you.)
She appeared incredibly vivid in the dream, permeating the depths of his subconscious. When she spoke those words, a sense of fear overcame him—a fear of what she might have witnessed. What aspects of his character had she glimpsed during their time together? Had she observed his coldness, his struggle to understand the human mind, or his at times morally ambiguous and despicable methods in solving cases? L had never regretted his judgments and decisions, but in that dream, the fear was about being seen for who he truly was, the darker side of him, and the uncertainty of how she perceived it. In the dream, he stood exposed before her, as though judged by an entity that could not be deceived or concealed. Subconsciously, he found himself incapable and unwilling to hide anything from her.
Altogether was able to make him jolt awake from sleep.
It dawned on him that he cared about what she thought of him much more than he had initially realized.
Leave it, L thought. There was no point in struggling with a dream. He sat up and strolled around, exploring anything new he might not have noticed on his first day in Los Angeles. The room was spacious and elegant, furnished with warm wooden pieces, a clean and functional kitchen, and a large TV complemented by a lengthy sofa. L often wondered if Watari booked rooms that were too large for the two of them. It would have been nice if Meredith could have come with them. Though he wasn't sure what she could do while traveling with them, she would figure it out during their busy moments with cases, he thought.
Beside the TV and the armchair was a tea stand that the hotel had stocked with fruits and some snacks. L walked toward the stand and reached for a piece of chocolate, unwrapped it, and popped it into his mouth.
It was surprisingly delicious. The rich aroma of nuttiness and cream, combined with a hint of bitterness, was perfectly encapsulated in this small piece of chocolate, and he wanted more. He then noticed that there was only one piece left.
He remembered that he 'sort of' accepted Meredith's presence when they played chess the first time in his room. The chocolate that he placed in her palm before she left his room that day— she seemed to like it.
There were many things that he didn't know he would unconsciously remember about her: how she liked her hair, how she liked to dress—aesthetic matters he didn't really care about, but somehow he remembered. She had her own style, her taste, and somehow he seemed to remember them all. Maybe too much. Was it from all the observations from all those years? He didn't remember picking those things up intentionally.
Every time L recalled anything about her, an image of her would form in his mind. It was as if there was a mental projector always ready to project her image whenever he thought of her.
She was... delicate. 'Fragile' wasn't how he would describe her. The secret she was holding, which L didn't know about, he had drawn to the conclusion that it was something significant and painful. And who wasn't at Wammy's? The strength they had had to match the pain curved inside them must be vast. Those who couldn't endure the pain of the past were bound to fall apart. But no, she didn't. Or maybe, not yet; L couldn't tell.
For the time being, he would describe her as 'delicate,' to the extent that he dared not to hurt her in any way. Was it acceptable for him to hug her? There was a slight hesitation when he did so, and a slight embarrassment when he reminisced about the moment after leaving Wammy's. While Watari didn't discuss the incident in the car, L could sense that he, too, was holding back the urge to ask about what was transpiring between Meredith and him.
L couldn't provide a definite answer, either.
All L could come to the conclusion of was the realization of the extent to which he cared about her. It wasn't only because of their companionship for all those years. If it were merely that, he wouldn't start wondering how she would see him, how he wanted her to know his emotions. He would be comfortable maintaining the usual state of their relationship, but now... no. It was beyond that. The urge to tell her that he cared much more than she may know, the need to want her to have the same understanding and knowledge of how much he cared.
Then it came to his mind why he was bothered by something. It wasn't really a bother, but more of trying to think of the meaning of this date—January 2nd.
It seemed to stem from a distant memory, perhaps from a past conversation with her. Like a passing cloud, it had dissipated, leaving no trace. Somehow L picked it up and placed it in the depth of his mind. And there it rested for a very long time, until it gradually came to mind, floated, like a bubble, and popped in his brain.
L reached for the chocolate, carefully placing it in his pocket.
[Jan. 2, 1999, 14:11]
Meri,
Happy birthday. LA is still Jan. 2, hope this still counts in time and not belated.
—L
AN:
Life update: I got my motorcycle/scooter driver license!
Filler chapter, relatively short. Still had to write this since it hints later events. Dream was inspired by Ling tosite sigure - moment A rhythm (2008) (long version) I need post-rock when I write!