"I just can't stand the vibe that's going around," mumbled Tanaka, seated backward in her chair, chin resting on her arms as she faced Meredith from the front.
"Because you didn't receive any chocolate last month?" replied Meredith without lifting her attention from the documents on her desk.
"Hey! It's not because of that!"
Meredith smiled. It was mid-March, and spring was in the air. After February and Valentine's Day ended last month, people gave reciprocal gifts to those who gave them gifts on Valentine's Day on March 14th. The pink bubbles of romance still lingered on the campus of a Japanese high school with gossip among students, trying to guess who might be together.
There was some free time before school ended, and although most of the time it would be self-study time, today, the class seemed more restless than ever. Chittering and chattering filled the room even if the teacher was present. Still, it was obvious that he alone could not oppress the excitement of students, the anticipation of the school bell, and the fluffy atmosphere. Therefore, he ignored it altogether- but just for this day.
"It's more surprising that you didn't get any chocolate last month, Meri."
"I was at uni," Meredith replied in a nonchalant tone.
"No, I meant- like, finding some in your shoe cabinet, or letters! I thought at least you would get one- or did you not tell me?"
"I have the chocolate that you gave me, Tanaka. And come to think of it, you did receive chocolate. From me. So don't be so somber."
"That doesn't count! I mean- I do appreciate your chocolate; it was delicious- tell me where you bought it- But I was referring to romantic ones!"
"There is none, and I don't mind, and don't care," said Meredith, as she quickly scribbled down the brand of chocolate on a note, tore it, and handed it to Tanaka. Tanaka continued complaining that it was the most interesting month of the year and that she should be more excited and endorsed, but Meredith resumed her reading, seemingly unbothered.
February. Valentine's Day. Just another ordinary month, another routine day, spent attending classes at the nearby university in psychology and completing yet another report in sociology.
Meredith lifted her attention and watched the commotion and excitement in the classroom. Girls chittering, giggling, hoping to receive reciprocal gifts from their crushes; boys secretly discussing, as if they were planning something. It was evident that this day held significance for her classmates.
Or perhaps it could be a special month for her, but with L and Watari mostly absent throughout February, Meredith's expectations were not high. Though she still received frequent text messages and phone calls from them, she dared not mention Valentine's Day to L. After all, their relationship wasn't the type where she could expect L to celebrate Valentine's Day anyway. Even if she did manage to give L chocolate, she was sure that L wouldn't associate chocolate with the date and would only consider it as another typical day for indulging in chocolate. Having chocolate needed no reason or specific date for L; he would have chocolate every day.
"What?" Tanaka's voice interrupted Meredith's thought, making her click back to reality.
"W-What?"
"What were you thinking? You seemed more distant."
"Really? I wasn't thinking anything important." (Sorry, Tanaka. And yes, it is not really important.)
"Come on, just tell me!" said Tanaka, leaning in and staring into Meredith's eyes.
"Alright, alright!" She had to tell Tanaka something to satisfy her curiosity. Meredith turned the prospectus that she was studying to Tanaka.
Tanaka smiled victoriously. "Let me see- Wait, what?" She jerked her head and looked at Meredith. "You want to go to law school? And the top ones, too!" squealed Tanaka as she flipped through the pages, scanning through the post-it notes that Meredith made and highlights that she marked. "It would be easy for you to apply these; in fact, they have to beg you to enroll in their school."
"Don't be silly, Tanaka," replied Meredith as she gathered the scattered stationery on her desk and piled them together. "I still have to prepare some paperwork and do more research on interview questions."
"But why do you want to go to law school if you will complete your degree in psychology and sociology in no time? And why apply now?"
"I think I already earned all of my credit scores here in high school, and technically, I could graduate this year if the Board allows me to graduate early. If I could graduate early, then I could start early."
"Of course the Board would agree you to graduate early. You're the top." Tanaka continued to flip through Meredith's notes, which included a list of required materials for her application, such as academic works and certificates. Most items on the list were already checked off, except for the agreement from the Board and a few recommendation letters. "But why do you want to enroll in law school? Do you want to become a lawyer? I've always thought you would continue your music career after graduation, and I never knew you wanted to learn law."
Tanaka had a point. Championship numerous times in Britain's national music competition, excelling in both piano and violin categories, to the extent that the competition committee just recently invited Meredith to serve as a judge in the national music competitions because her level was out of a contestant, possibly making her the youngest judge in England's music competition history. A music career seemed promising: a professor of music, a professional composer, or even joining the national orchestra, where she could easily rise to the position of first chair in no time. It would be an easy route to success for her.
But it was not the kind of success that she wanted. "Music is…nice, I think. It is something that I am good at, Tanaka."
"It is the only thing I know would make my benefactor proud, reassuring him that I am capable even without his financial support," said Meredith, trying not to disclose too much yet maintain authenticity. Fortunately, Tanaka already knew that her education was supported by a benefactor, and she was expected to fulfill some kind of duty after she completed her education. That was all Tanaka knew. "But I want to do more, Tanaka. I want to fulfill my duty in a way that would significantly assist him and, by extension, help others as he has helped me. Currently, I know he needs more people with legal expertise."
It was more than that. Music started as a tool, a means to seek recognition — from her mother, and perhaps, even from her abusive father. All the compositions that she practiced. All the accomplishments that she gained. All the rosin she used up. All the strings she practiced till they snapped. All the bows that she used till they couldn't play another note. All the calluses that developed on her fingers. A futile attempt, just hoping for them to recognize her. But they never did, yet the scars remained, and the marks of her young self always trying remained. And she hated it.
The meaning changed when she arrived in Wammy's House. Watari was different. He would sit with her on the piano bench in her room, watch her play, and clap with the rhythm. Sometimes, he even sang along if he knew the tune and lyrics, making her laugh when his singing was out of tune (which, in fact, happened rather frequently) His gray eyes would watch her directly, and offer words of encouragement that she never received from her original family. As she began to enjoy playing her instruments more, she excelled at it faster, just to see the look of pleasure on Watari's face and his reassuring demeanor.
But music alone couldn't keep her by L and Watari's side.
"L doesn't fully comprehend the human mind and may cross legal boundaries. If you wish to become his ally, his support, and remain by his side, then prove your ability."
Countless sleepless nights, with eyes unable to close and could only stare blankly at the ceiling of her bedroom, Meredith pondered Watari's words, considering how to fulfill them.
If L doesn't fully grasp the human mind, then in order to be his support, then I will learn how. Psychology and sociology were the first attempts to prove her ability to Watari. However, the more time she spent with L, the more she listened to his deduction and case-solving methods, leading her to realize that psychology and sociology were merely the basics. Acquiring knowledge wasn't challenging for L; as a genius (and the top one), he could easily grasp the fundamentals of any field by quickly studying textbooks and research. If L ever needed knowledge of psychology and sociology, he could learn them within a few days, acquiring enough for his investigations. This pattern applied to other fields as well.
But there was another thing that she observed in the meanwhile. There was one thing that even L could learn in a day but wouldn't easily change: his values and perspective on justice. And there needed to be someone to balance L, to remind him of a different perspective. While L's sense of justice mostly aligned with the human world, there were still some methods that went against society. Therefore, another person was necessary to dissent L and counteract him. From Meredith's observations, Watari alone would not be enough to hold L back.
To learn something that L cannot fully comprehend, to complement L's ideology. To have values different from L, yet equally important.
Tanaka gazed at the girl before her. Meredith appeared distant, lost in thought as her inscrutable eyes gazed out the classroom windows. She had always been this way, Tanaka thought. In Tanaka's experiences, distant people often get isolated, but it didn't seem to bother Meredith, or maybe it might be the other way around, and she was the one isolating everyone else. Despite not participating in class every day, Meredith followed the school rules and excelled in exams, securing the top spot. Most of her peers respected her for this, and only a few spread negative rumors about her out of jealousy, but those didn't stand long.
The feeling of distance and inscrutability was much better than the first time she met Meredith. It was during the opening ceremony of the school; while standing in line, Tanaka noticed the principal had a tuft of hair sticking out from the sides and whispered to the girl in front, "I bet he was in a hurry and didn't take a look at himself in the mirror."
The girl turned slightly, and Tanaka was amazed by her appearance: sleek black hair with natural fringes that framed her face, fair skin like the hue of moonlight, and clean, expressive eyes that concealed any thoughts, only a touch of somberness lingered. At that moment, despite being inches away from the girl in front of her, it felt like she was far, far away from them.
But the girl chuckled at her words, "Yes, I suppose the principal must be in a hurry this morning."
The strong sense of distance immediately vanished.
It was on that day Tanaka knew, even though this girl seemed distant, they could get along. Two years after that day, at least now Tanaka could sense the subtle emotional shifts that Meredith expressed, if she paid close attention. But more often than not, although being the closest person to Meredith in school, Tanaka still felt she didn't fully understand the girl before her, or even questioned if they could truly be called friends.
"I never knew you have these thoughts," said Tanaka, closing the notebook and handing to Meredith. "You will succeed in law, Meri, like how you succeed in music, in psychology, and in sociology."
The afternoon sunlight lit up Tanaka's face and her short, brown-black hair. Meredith gazed at Tanaka, who was humming a tune and continued to browse another prospectus. Tanaka was the kind of person who was ready to befriend anyone without prying into their personal lives. She never pressured Meredith to share anything and believed in living in the moment, or "Carpe Diem", as she would often say. Normal school life experiences were mostly spent with Tanaka- chatting, studying, shopping on weekends, and having lunch. Tanaka was the first friend outside Wammy's House. And Meredith cherished that.
But she was also aware that if she eventually succeeded in staying close to Watari and L's side, it would mean assuming another identity, another alias, to maintain the secrecy of their operation, akin to how L conducted investigations and how K covertly carried out Watari's assignments.
In other words, moments with Tanaka were counting down.
"Tanaka," said Meredith, "thank you for being my friend."
It was L's second time waiting for Meredith at the school gates.
Standing with a bad posture in the middle of the crowd, blocking students from reaching the front gates, the unusual raven-haired teenager stood out from the students in uniforms, with his attire constituted baggy jeans, a white long-sleeve T-shirt and old sneakers that needed a good wash.
"Who is that?"
"Look at his dark circles- "
"He looks homeless…but clean…?"
"Let's go around him- "
Amidst all the chaos surrounding him, L seemed completely oblivious and continued to munch on a bar of chocolate he held in his hand. After finishing the whole bar, he casually rolled up the foil package and put it in his pocket. He was sure that she hadn't left school yet, based on his phone conversations with her. L continued to wait, scanning every face that appeared at the entrance of the school building, causing students to feel uneasy and quickly leave to avoid encountering the strange guy in the midst of the post-class crowd.
And there she was. Emerging from the school building.
Something in his chest expands. Like the warmth he felt when the sun shone on him, or the pleasure when drinking hot chocolate, yet none could truly accurately describe what he was currently feeling. She looked nice in her school uniform, even though it was the same as all the girls in their surroundings. She had her hair in a ponytail, which was a common style among the other girls, but to him, she still stood out. He should've known earlier what this was all about when he first picked her up from school; he should've, instead of realizing it just so recently.
L couldn't resist but smile at Meredith. She smiled back, and hurried over to him.
"L- I mean, Asahi!" exclaimed Meredith. "Why are you here?"
Seeing her close up made those simmering warm feelings in his chest more intense, resulting in his heartbeat accelerating, but he still managed to keep a straight face.
"I came to pick you up," shrugged L. And I need to prove-
"I mean- it's a Wednesday, it's not Friday or weekends- Watari didn't mention you returning, or picking me up."
"It's just a random thought, don't mind," said L, attempting to take Meredith's hand. The school was emptying out, and the noise and crowds were getting on his nerves, making him impatient as he was eager to prove the hypothesis in his mind.
But Meredith held back. "Wait, I rode my bike to school today, I'll have to ride it back."
And before L knew it, Meredith had taken hold of his wrist and was pulling him through the crowds towards the bike shed, causing him to almost stumble. They navigated through the throngs of passing students, her touch on his wrist feeling familiar. It reminded L of how she would always drag him to different places whenever she was eager to show him interesting things. Sometimes it was discovering a wild bunny in the garden, or watching a rainbow arch across the blue skies from her bedroom windows. Most of these things were trivial at first and didn't spark his interest, but her infectious curiosity and joy made him give in and let her drag him out of his room. Even when he was away from the orphanage, it was the little things that he remembered about her and that made him think of her.
L couldn't help but smile as he followed her lead once again.
Upon arriving at the bike shed, while retrieving her keys and unlocking her bike, she asked, "You should have informed me about your return. How will we go back to Wammy's, considering you are on your own and I have to ride the bike back?"
"Then I'll give you a ride."
"You're okay?" Meredith sat on the carrier of her bike as L pedaled their way back.
"I'm fine," replied L, as he continued to pedal. "I am more stronger than I look, you know."
"I doubt that, judging from your thin, gangly limbs," giggled Meredith. "If you can't make it to the end, let me ride."
"Not a chance."
The spring breeze made L's raven black hair flutter, and Meredith held on tight to the seat post. It was fortunate that her carrier had a seat cushion, or else it would be torture sitting on metal frames with all that jiggling and jolts from the ride.
The ride didn't distract her from the puzzlements and questions in her mind. It was still strange for L to pick her up at such an awkward time. It was strange that Watari didn't mention anything beforehand.
Meredith couldn't help but ask, "How come did you have the time to return today? I thought there was an ongoing case about factories and pollution."
L's voice came from the front, along with the sound of the wind rushing by. "I managed."
"You always say you managed."
"And I did."
Meredith watched him suspiciously; his responses were always brief whenever she sought an explanation for his abrupt arrivals. Though they never fully satisfied her curiosity, she found a strange delight in them. Each unexpected return felt like a bonus, a precious pocket of time she could claim for herself amidst L's tightly packed schedule.
As they rode on, their surroundings gradually shifted. The commotion of the Japanese high school was left behind, and they found themselves on the riverbank that led back to Wammy's House. From there, they could see the town areas of Winchester and soon they would see the suburban areas where the orphanage was located, undisturbed by outsiders.
"Remember when I took you downtown and you didn't want to leave the candy store?" Meredith asked, her gaze fixed on the distant town.
"I do," smiled L. "I was interested in the macaron tower in the window. I still occasionally ask Watari to buy me candies from Simon's. They have the best toffee."
"I had to use all my might to pull you away," Meredith chuckled. "You have no idea how hard it was to drag you out of there."
"And I eventually gave in," said L. "Your attempt to pull me with all your might seemed rather feeble. I couldn't help but find it amusing."
"It was time to leave," pouted Meredith. "Or we wouldn't have made it to the bus on time."
They both smiled, their grins widening until they turned into snickers, unable to hold back as they burst into laughter, reminiscing about that day. It was quite a while before they could catch their breaths and regain their composure.
Meredith continued to chuckle slightly as she watched their surroundings. The breeze and the picturesque scenery around them, with L still pedaling their way back, provided a brief moment of tranquility that she hadn't experienced in some time. When was the last time they were physically close, just like before? It must have been L's last return, she thought. Wouldn't it be great if they could be like they were when they were younger, spending hours reading in L's room or studying in a quiet corner of the library where hardly anyone would notice them?
She missed it dearly. But she knew well that unless there was a way to turn back time, it was impossible for them to be inseparable like before. Was there a way to make their time last forever? Would learning law make her capable of staying by L and Watari's side? It was all still uncertain.
Watari seemed supportive of her learning law. She hadn't had the chance to talk with the man in person since he and L's presence at the institution was scarce, so discussions were carried out through phone calls and text messages. There were moments she questioned, yet dared not ask Watari directly if her decision could make her a notable student capable of carrying out Wammy's Organization assignments. Even if she did, she believed Watari wouldn't provide a definite answer.
But maybe L would.
"Hey L- "
A sudden jolt, probably caused by a pebble on the road made Meredith shriek in fear and subconsciously cling tightly onto L's waist for support. The bike picked up speed, and the wind rushed past them, tousling their hair and exhilarating their senses. Meredith should have recognized the slope, but she had lost track of time and distance and now it caught her by surprise. She tried to steady herself by tightening her grip on L, but the rush of the wind made it difficult to keep her balance.
As they finally reached the bottom and transitioned onto a flat road, she instinctively moved to release her hold on L's waist, her fingers just about to hover back to the seat post of the bike. But before she could let go, L's voice cut through the wind.
"Don't let go."
Her eyes widened, and his heart pounded with fear that she didn't take him seriously. He wanted to say something else, maybe it was the best timing to prove his hypothesis, but anxiety was running under his skin, as if it would sprout into plants and vines, tightly wrapping and choking him. Thoughts won't convey if they weren't told, but what was he supposed to say when he was all choked up?
Although L couldn't see her expression, he was surprised when she smiled, intertwined her fingers, and held on to him instead of letting go.
Despite his slender frame, L's body felt warm in her arms. She could smell the familiar scent of detergent and feel the slight bulge, likely his ribs and spine under his skin and thin flesh, and the overwhelming rush of emotions they always brought her remained unchanged. All of it made her feel…familiar and safe. Meredith leaned gently on L's back; she couldn't think less of the appropriateness, and just simply let the feeling seep into her being.
After a few minutes of silence, L asked, "So, what did you want to tell me?"
"Do you think-" she hesitated for a brief moment, then continued, "that I am capable of carrying out Watari's assignments?"
Contrary to her tone, his had no hesitation. "You are."
"How could you be sure?"
"I just know."
"That's not a valid reason." But an answer that is very expected from L.
"There needn't a valid reason to have faith in you."
"But I don't."
"That's why you want to learn law?"
He knew? "How did you know?"
"Watari mentioned. Like I said, you already are capable of Watari's assignments."
Meredith's gaze lowered. "Even if you say so, I still feel like... my abilities and expertise aren't the type that would be beneficial in carrying out Watari's assignments," she said, sounding like a kitten with its ears down. "Among graduates of Wammy's House, to suffice a 'notable graduate' and be able to carry out Watari's assignments, one must excel in a certain field that Watari considered capable of changing the world, and to have Watari's trust."
"K specializes in chemistry and biotechnology and is currently developing new antidotes to cure diseases… F specializes in espionage, trained by Watari himself, and is currently in the intelligence field, gathering important information that could change the world… Watari saw K's, F's, and your ability to change the world, and trusted you to change the world."
L could feel her grip tightening slightly with a small tremble as Meredith continued in a softer and lower voice, "Isn't it naïve to think that learning law could help me side with Watari and you? But I need to find something, something that I think- would be useful in carrying out Watari's assignments, and to prove to myself that I am worthy."
"You don't need to prove anything to stay close to us," said L. "After all, the time we spent, having tea and sweets in my room wasn't for nothing."
After hearing her chuckle at his words, L finally felt relieved. Such a fragile being, yet with a strong determination of proving herself and putting into practice, despite already being illustrious among her peers. Was this another trait that he had fallen for? L couldn't quite put it into words, but he knew that he didn't want to see her upset. He was willing to put in all effort just to see her smile.
"Hey L, if I enroll in law school, will you visit me at school?"
"Of course I will."
"Even if it is miles away from Winchester, hours away from Wammy's House, and I had to live on campus, or maybe rent a room nearby?"
"Of course."
"And why are you so sure that you will do so?"
「好──」("Because I-")
The wind intensified. The grass fields rippled as though someone was ruffling them. Her ponytail broke free from its holder, caught by the wind and carried away. She turned around in a futile attempt to reclaim it, but the gusts were relentless, assaulting her with sand and grit that stung her cheeks, making her scrunch her eyes.
「──す」("-you.")
A/N:
Your author has survived COVID. I herein declare that I, too, am a new world human.