The flight back home was so thick with tension, you could cut it with a knife and make it bleed.

Wuya hadn't said anything beyond the initial demand for me to get back in the hover jet after I lost the Showdown. She already looked so ready to blow a fuse, I didn't have time to gather up every single piece of Attack Squad Sigma's remains. So I just scooped up the essential parts (mainly their emotion chips) and hurried back into the cockpit. I'd have to come back for the rest later without a Heylin witch glaring daggers at me.

Honestly, the silence between the two of us was putting me more on edge than if she simply yelled at me from the get-go. The soft, droning hum of the hover jet thankfully provided enough white noise to keep the cockpit from being dead quiet, but it could only do so much to ease the tension. Seriously, why hasn't she screeched at me for my latest screw-up? Give me anything but the disappointed silent treatment, woman!

My internal pleas were not answered even as we finally made it back to the mansion. Landing the jet in the underground hangar bay, I awkwardly climbed out of the cockpit with my salvaged JackBot parts in hand. Wuya continued to say nothing as she bore holes in me even as she stepped out of the vehicle as well.

As much as I wanted this overbearing silence between us to end already, I wasn't going to be the one to break it. If she had something she wanted to say, she would say it. It was only a matter of time. And I could only hope it was soon.

So, as the fuming witch continued to glare at me with the heat of a thousand suns, I simply just…went to work on rebuilding Attack Squad Sigma. Unhooking a premade JackBot endoskeleton from off the rack, I placed it on one of my workbenches and tried to get into the zone. I suppressed a groan as I opened the spare parts drawer below and realized I wouldn't have enough to remake all six robots. Regardless, I set the pieces on the table and went to work anyway.

It was…difficult to concentrate with someone silently judging me with reserved anger. I restrained myself from taking too many sneak peeks to see if Wuya was still glaring at my back. She was, of course. If looks could kill, well…let's just say I'd be dead ten times over by now. And at this point I almost welcomed it if she kept this up for any long-

"Third. Consecutive. Loss."

Her icy words startled me enough to make me drop the wrench I was using. Slowly and with hesitation, I glanced back at Wuya who had finally starting speaking again. Already I found myself missing the prior silence.

"C-Come again?"

"Third. Consecutive! LOSS!" She finally screeched, eyes shining like green headlights and red hair lashing out like Medusa's snakes. Anything that wasn't bolted down in the lab rattled at the sudden vibrations emanating from the peeved off Heylin witch. She may have been locked out of most of her world-conquering powers since regaining her form, but her magic was still strong enough to do serious damage…

"This marks the third Showdown you lost in a row! And now you have no Shen Gong Wu because of it!" Wuya began to viciously rant. "I mean, how could someone be so incompetent, so short-sighted, so cocky, so…so YOU as to lose three Xiaolin Showdowns in the span of a single month!? It's unprecedented, unheard of! I didn't even think it was possible for someone to be this much of a screwup, but leave it to a human I guess! You are by far the most pathetic excuse for a villain I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in all my years wreaking havoc on this earth!"

Now, the two of us having arguments was far from breaking new grounds. We'd always have our little moments of bickering and getting frustrated at one other. It was like clockwork after a while, a staple in our evil partnership almost.

But this? This was different. She wasn't just mad, she was…downright livid. I could hardly form a sentence in response as Wuya continued to verbally steamroll me.

"Honestly, I really only have myself to blame for thinking you still had a chance! It was understandable before: I was a powerless ghost with no solid hands and you seemed like you knew what you were doing. But that was before I got to know the REAL you! The lazy, weak, cowardly, worthless you! They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste, and you are the living proof of that! What good is an 'evil genius' that can't even use basic critical thinking skills? All your self-proclamations about your supposed intellect and all you have to show for it are slow, clunky robots! You rely too much on those glorified GARBAGE CANS!"

"Hey – YOU LEAVE MY BOYS OUT OF THIS!" I immediately shouted back, the urge to defend my robots' honor overriding my usual sense of fear. "Robots are the way of the future, and like with everything else in life it takes trial and error before something can get better! This field of science requires time, effort, and a buttload of money and resources for it to reach its fullest potential! Rome wasn't built in a day; you of all people should know that considering you were probably there during its construction!"

"Rome was the epitome of ruthless conquerors and warriors imposing their will on all those weaker than them!" Wuya flippantly retorted. "It got to exist at all because their founders were strong, something YOU are not! You hardly qualify as a warrior, much less a conqueror! And in a fitting way, your lousy machines reflect that inferiority! They represent your own Anti-Rome!"

"No, they represent advancement! You immortals are always looking down on modern day enhancements like they aren't an obvious sign of progress! Why can't you just get with the times already!?"

"Because your 'modern day enhancements' are only making you lazier and dumber! Letting your machines do most of the work for you has dulled what little skills you may have once had! If it wasn't for Showdowns, you wouldn't get any exercise in!"

"Not true – I shoot hoops with my clones whenever I have the Ring of the Nine Dragons~" I countered smugly. Checkmate you stubborn fossil.

Wuya snarled sarcastically, "Oh, but of COURSE! How could I possibly have forgotten about your essential basketball sessions? Putting aside the fact you continue to treat Shen Gong Wu like toys, that hardly counts for a proper training regimen!"

I went back to being serious and glared at her. "Then train me like you promised you would. We had a deal, remember!?"

"The deal was that I would train you IF you got the Mask of Rio for me. Which you DIDN'T," Wuya asserted with an aggressive poke to my chest which I am embarrassed to admit kinda hurt. "You had your chance to prove yourself worthy, and you blew it. In fact, I've given you multiple chances over the past three years, and time and time again you failed not just me but evil as a whole! Chase was right: you are a disgrace to the Heylin Order, Jack Spicer."

Fresh hot tears were threatening to spill out of my eyes. Wuya had insulted me before, but it really seemed like she meant what she was saying this time. And she had to bring up him while ripping my head off!

"Oh God, don't start crying again," Wuya groaned with a pinch to the bridge of her nose. "The last thing any of us need right now is for you to start blubbering like a baby. You are far too sensitive for this evil business..."

"Take it back…"

The witch stared at me with half-lidded eyes. "Wanna run that by me again?"

"I said TAKE IT BACK!" I practically screamed, harshly wiping away my tears before they had a chance to spill down my face. "I am NOT a disgrace to the Heylin, you and Chase are! You two suck all the fun out of evil and belittle any up-and-coming evildoers that don't live up to your standards! You've forgotten what it's like to step back and enjoy the little things; to have fun with your job! I don't have to stand here and be lectured by some gatekeeping amateur about villainy!"

"Gatekeeping amateur!? You must have a death wish!" Wuya roared, picking me up by the collar with one hand while the other glowed with dark green magic. "Chase has been cursed to walk this putrid planet for over fifteen-hundred years, and I even longer! For a measly human boy who's only existed for seventeen years to imply he knows better than us is peak arrogance! You know nothing and have nothing to offer! So why…why do you keep fighting!? ANSWER ME YOU WORM!"

In that moment, I was a lot of things: scared, hurt, betrayed, confused, hungry, etc. I genuinely thought Wuya was actually going off the deep end and would take my life then and there. But looking back on this moment…I can't help but be somewhat proud of myself. Because in spite of everything, I somehow managed to draw up the courage to stand up for my beliefs in the face of an angry magic-user. Maybe it was the adrenaline rush I was experiencing at the time, but I was willing and ready to defy Wuya for what could have been (and what eventually was) the last time ever.

So, with a deep breath, I gave my answer.

"Because I have nothing to lose," I said with a straight face. "In a world with supernatural creatures and metahumans, I only have my intellect as my saving grace. Even if you did train me, I'd still be experimenting with robotics anyway. You can't stop progress, Wuya, technology is the common man's magic. And if you're not careful, it'll creep up on you when you least expect it. That's a promise."

Wuya grit her teeth so hard, I thought for sure she would've cracked them. The hand she had been storing power in briefly glowed even brighter, and I closed my eyes preparing for the worst. So color me surprised when instead she suddenly flung me across the lab, making me crash into the shelf of JackBot endoskeletons. It hurt my back and I'm pretty sure the collision damaged my HeliBot, but I'd take it over being vaporized any day.

As I groaned underneath a pile of metal, I overheard Wuya talk mostly to herself as she stomped her way up the stairs.

"That's it, I'm done, there's no hope for this fool. I'd rather be under the oppressive watch of Chase than put up with this nonsense. At least he understands how might makes right…"

If she had anything else to add, she was already out of earshot for me to hear it. Once again, Wuya had dumped me like I was yesterday's garbage. Although this time I suspected she wasn't coming back. She really did just want a little extra freedom by "palling around" with me until I got on her nerves for the last time. Now it was just me left alone with my robots…like it's always been.

So why did I still feel empty inside?

I was sweating like a pig as I exerted what little energy I had into unscrewing the bolts in JB-CUPC4K3's chest cavity. It would've been easier had I not lost the wrench I was using prior to the…disagreement Wuya and I got into. And because I didn't feel like looking for it, I just opted to use the claw on the back of a nearby hammer to unscrew the bolts. It was about as effective as you would think.

I know I could've gotten one of the stay-at-home JackBots to find the wrench and clean up the mess too, but I honestly didn't feel like bothering any of them right now. Most were left pretty spooked at Wuya's outburst and I can't say I blame them. I gave some of them impenetrable bubble shields a while back and she still managed to destroy them along with Chase and Hannibal. I'd like to see those hacks go toe-to-toe with my boys without their magic or superhuman reflexes…

The more my mind wandered back to any one of those overpowered snobs, the harder it became to concentrate on repairs. The Xiaolin Losers may have been annoying, but at least that's because they were my enemies. Wuya and the others were supposed to be on my side. But I guess there's just no pleasing some evil people. Not like I needed them to begin with. If they wanna cut all ties with me then so be it. I already did that with Chase last week, Wuya will be no different.

As for Hannibal…well, we were never really close to begin with. And I haven't seen him since the all-out assault on the Xiaolin Temple…probably went back to scheming in the shadows.

After another fruitless attempt at trying to unscrew a bolt, I decided to break for a snack. Aside from the bowl of Lucky Charms I had for breakfast (which I threw up at the end of the last Showdown), I hadn't had anything to eat all day. And if there was one food item that I could always count on to lift my spirits, it was pudding cups!

I stepped away from the workbench to head towards the mini-fridge I installed in my lair so I didn't have to go upstairs to the kitchen every time. Opening the door, I was greeted to the beautiful sight of-

"Nothing!?"

I looked high and low, on every shelf and in every drawer. There was not a single pudding cup in sight.

Closing the fridge door, I stood completely still and in complete silence. I wasn't sure exactly how long I was like that, but eventually the repressed anger finally came bubbling back up as my body shook with rage. Without thinking, I turned around and flung the inappropriate tool I had been using into the depths of my lair, not even caring if the resonating clang meant something got damaged.

"DAMMIT! How is an evil genius supposed to get any work done around here when he's got pudding on the brain!? Bet Wuya snagged the last one on the way out. Wouldn't put it past her, the bitch..."

Yeah, bet you weren't expecting that kind of language coming from me, huh? Well, contrary to popular belief, I am capable of swearing. I've picked up on all kinds of vulgar words growing up. I've just been restraining myself from letting them slip near others for…some reason that escapes me. But I've decided now that I no longer give a rat's ass. So what if impressionable ears pick up on my foul mouth? Let the minds of the youth get corrupted, I don't fucking care!

Besides, it's my own evil lair. I can say whatever I want.

I let out an agonizing sigh while rubbing my face in, pushing my goggles back up to my forehead in the process. When the up-close smell of oil-laced fingers became too much even for me, I slammed my head back down on the workbench and went silent. For a while, I contemplated spending the rest of my life just staring blankly at the softly illuminated grid lines…

Jesus – what am I even doing? Getting upset over my Saturday not going as planned? What am I, five? No, I'm seventeen and practically living on my own! You're an evil supervillain, Jack, you're better than this. Supervillains don't let a crappy week get to them!

…

Goddamnit, Spicer, don't you dare cry now. You finally managed to hold it in for once when Wuya was close to going postal. Letting it out now would render that moment a moot point. It's already embarrassing enough that you've been branded as a crybaby by both good and evil, you'll only be proving their point if you turn on the waterworks now!

Don't cry. Don't cry. DO NOT CRY. DO NOT FUCKING-

"Heeeeey! It's the hard-working man of the hour using his extraordinary gifts to fix us humble machines! Who needs an ordinary life when you're Jack Spicer, Master of Evil?"

A cheery voice shook me out of my spiral. I raised my head and glanced behind me to see who it was. The faintest smile crept its way onto my lips when I found myself looking back at YesBot, a specialized JackBot variant I designed to have a sunny smile and matching disposition. I was long overdue on rebuilding him after he exploded, and he's proven to be the most supportive companion I've ever had. Which is more than I can say for Witch Bitch and Lizard Breath.

"Heh, thanks, YB. I…I really needed someone to remind me of that..."

The humanoid automaton rested a gloved hand on my shoulder. He toned down the upbeat optimism in his vocal patterns before continuing. "That's why you built me, Jacko. I understand you're going through a lot right now, but let it be known that the other bots and I will always be there for you. In the best of times, and in the worst of times, we'll be there to pick you up when you're down. Count on it!"

Thank my brilliant mind for inventing emotion chips.

I don't normally do hugs…but I was more than willing to make an exception this time. So much so that I even disregarded the sacred 3-second rule.

We did eventually let go, and I felt as though my self-esteem had been restored to its former glory. All in a day's work for YesBot.

"I knew you were a thrilling work of genius the moment I installed your power cells."

"Yes you did! Right as always!"

I nodded and turned around to get back to work. But then I realized I had chucked the only tool I had on me somewhere in my labyrinth of an evil lair. Before I could begin reluctantly searching for it, a stay-at-home JackBot (specifically JB-0V32W47CH) appeared beside me with the hammer I flung!

Along with a distracting dent in his helmet…

"Oh! Heheh, uh, whoops. Sorry about that, Overwatch. Here, let me replace that for ya."

I accepted the hammer the bot brought me while unscrewing his disc-shaped helmet before tossing it aside. As I browsed a nearby shelf lined with robot armor pieces, YesBot continued to converse.

"So, Jack Meister, as much as I admire your passion for all that is evil, why not just kick your feet up and relax? Watch something on the old boob tube for a while? You've been working nonstop for the past couple of days. I wouldn't want you to crash and burn on me. How else will I be able to fulfill my programming of kissing up to you then?"

Overwatch beeped graciously after I finished screwing on a new helmet for him and hovered away to continue supervising the various equipment around the lab. I turned to address YesBot's well-meaning but annoying concerns.

"Thanks for the suggestion, YB, but it's fine. I can handle the extra workload. We all know this wouldn't be the first time I burned the candle at both ends."

For a second, I could've sworn I saw YesBot furrow his mechanical eyebrows in an attempt to convey a worried expression in spite of the permanent smile. But then again, my eyesight isn't the best and the basement is a little dark. So it was probably just my imagination.

"Read you loud and clear, Boss-Man! After all, you know you better than anyone else!"

I lazily hummed in response and went back to my repairs. After a while of installing new parts, my stomach demanded food again. The only thing I could think to eat at the moment was the box of Lucky Charms, but I didn't feel like snacking on cold cereal at the moment. Especially considering how I…"lost" the last batch I ate.

I asked YesBot if he had any refreshments to provide. He only offered an apologetic shrug.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir! It appears my snack module hasn't been restocked. So sorry for the inconvenience!"

Great, not just out of pudding but out of junk food entirely. This day can bite me.

Rolling my eyes, I muttered, "Tell me something I don't know..."

YesBot didn't skip a beat. "The U.S. Supreme Court has its own private basketball court aptly dubbed 'The Highest Court in the Land'."

"…I actually didn't know that. And I'm supposed to be the basketball pro here. How did you know that?"

"I learned about it online while I was taking my scheduled break. I find facts to be great conversation starters!"

"Huh. The more you know."

As much as I wanted to fact-check, I still had shit to do. Carefully weighing my options (and getting sidetracked a few times thinking about basketball), I eventually came up with a reasonable plan.

"Alright, I guess I'll make a stop at Hong Kong and pick up some more pudding. Besides, I need to fly down there anyway and convince a certain panda-themed crime boss to give me another loan. I need to order more spare parts for the JackBots and titanium ain't a cheap metal alloy you know."

YesBot snapped finger guns my way and praised me with all his programming. "Freakin' A! Shall I inform the GuardBots of your departure then?"

"Yeah go ahead. Just don't let anyone in the house unless it's my parents coming home from their subsidiary proposition."

I still can't believe they're actually trying to buy the rights to Tohomiko Electronics. I can only pray that Kimiko doesn't cook me alive the next time we have a Showdown against one another. It's only be a matter of time before she hears the news from her father back in Japan.

My favorite robot butler hovered away into the depths of my lair, ready to let the GuardBots know of their next shift. I made my way back into the hanger bay and hopped into my hover jet again, warming up the systems for the second launch of the day. Since I would only be flying across the country instead of overseas, I should have enough fuel left for at least two more trips. I'll probably refuel once I get to Hong Kong anyway; no point in risking another crash landing.

After launching myself out the hanger doors, I stole a quick glance back at Spicer Mansion before kicking the jet into full throttle. Little did I know that would be the last I ever saw of my old home.

"Stupid Pandabubba. Hope he chokes on his own fat…"

I grumbled to myself as I sat on an uncomfortable bench in Victoria Harbour. The lights from the elevated skyscrapers made the harbor shine to contrast the nighttime overcast. It was already beginning to drizzle as I tried not to let the crappy weather get to me while snacking on one of the many pudding cups I purchased from the store.

In hindsight, I should've known better than to make a deal with Hong Kong's criminal underworld kingpin. Especially taking into account his habit of double-crossing me in the past. But I didn't have much of a choice given that I already spent the last of my million dollar allowance on junk food and robot parts. That meant I had to drop to my knees and beg the living tub of lard for another loan.

However, with no Shen Gong Wu to use as collateral, Pandabubba was reluctant. Though he did come up with a way for me to cover the debt. It was the very reason I was sitting in the rain waiting for the JackBots to come pick me up instead of flying home myself.

The mobster didn't seem to care that the hover jet was my only ride home. In fact, he took delight out of seeing me squirm for reconsideration. And since my HeliBot was on the fritz from having it slammed into a shelf by Wuya, I had no means of flying home. So I sent a distress signal for a small detachment of JackBots to come and get me.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that my house was located far away in the countryside? One of the secret downsides to living with a well-off family.

"Man, does evil have its struggles…" I said to myself after tossing the empty pudding cup aside. "But that doesn't mean I'm ready to throw in the towel! Whenever there's a nefarious scheme to be hatched or a good guy who needs a good kick in the pants, I'll be the one to do it, baby!"

Actually, that's got me thinking about something recently. Maybe I would be better off just dropping out of this whole Shen Gong Wu fetch quest. When you really stop to think it over, this scavenger hunt has only been delaying my master plan instead of speeding it along. The more I dwell on it, the more I realize I could've ruled the world years ago had I just stuck to my guns.

Besides, who needs magical antiques when you've got science and killer robots on your side? I am Jack-freakin'-Spicer, baby, and the Earth is putty in my hands! It's just me, myself, and I against the world; I'm the only friend I'll ever need! I'll show them, I'll show them all who I am and what I'm made of! So long, Xiaolin Losers! See ya, Chase Young! Hasta la vista, Wuya! It's time I go back to the drawing board! I believe this calls for a celebratory evil laugh for sinister things to come~

However, before I could divulge my trademark evil laugh with the citizens of Hong Kong, I noticed something strange out of the corner of my eye. It looked like a girl crossing the road and…

"Hey, is that – is that truck gonna stop!?"

To this day, I still don't understand what made me to act so out of character that night. I mean, a bona fide bad guy playing the role of hero for no rhyme or reason? It's illogical…

Regardless of what came over me, I jumped off of the bench, knocked over the idiots hogging the sidewalk, pushed the girl out of the way…

And then everything went black.

…

Until my eyes shot wide open.

The first thing I did upon regaining consciousness was to protect my face with my arms and shriek in craze-fueled terror.

Upon realizing that there was no truck coming right for me, I eventually took the time to notice something off about my surroundings.

It didn't look like I was anywhere in a hospital. Or anywhere on planet Earth for that matter. Or just anywhere in general.

I found myself sitting on a simple wooden chair facing a white, fancier chair with a matching nightstand. From what I could tell, I was in the middle of a void with endless black as far as the eye could see. The only other noteworthy detail about this place was the checker-patterned floor with a light mist covering it.

Other than the lack of floating Chinese characters, this area (if that was even the right word for it) was eerily similar to the Ying-Yang World…

Seriously, what the actual hell was going on?

"Oh – I know! This must be a bad dream! Yep, I must've made it back home, gorged on pudding, and now I'm having a food-induced nightmare. Wouldn't be the first time."

But if this was a dream, then why weren't my pinches waking me up already? I was about to start slapping myself silly when a serene, feminine voice broke through the uncomfortable dull hum of the void.

"Jackson Spicer, welcome to the afterlife."

I turned my head and, lo and behold, there was another living person here. As the stranger emerged from the darkness, I could see that it was indeed a girl judging by the voice from earlier.

Actually, describing her simply as "a girl" wouldn't do her justice. She surpassed any Earthly woman, and she didn't look too far off from my age either.

It was weird, she gave off this immense aura of…divinity. It was similar to Wuya's, except this aura was pleasantly sweet instead of sickeningly gut-wrenching (even when she was in her admittedly attractive human form).

Her hair was light blue, with a loop cropped up on the top by a hair clip shaped like a water molecule. Her outfit consisted of a navy-blue vest with detached white sleeves, a ridiculously short miniskirt, dark blue boots that went up to her knees, and white tube socks. She also had a translucent pink scarf of some kind wrapped under shoulders too.

But when she walked past me, I made a startling discovery.

She didn't appear to be wearing underwear…

Or maybe she was and the lighting made them blend into the shadows of her ass. Either way, that discovery combined with her supernatural beauty was making a certain…"lab assistant" of mine very happy downstairs.

Hey, don't judge me! I'm an albino who's had both sides of the playing field avoid him like he was the plague. Cut me some slack. At least I had the decency to cross my legs when it happened.

Anyway, the blue-colored beauty sat on the white throne and crossed her leg over the other. Not sure whether I should feel thankful or teased.

"Your life was quite short. And now you are quite dead. My condolences."

"Oh…I'm dead? Well, I guess that makes sense."

…

"Wait – I'm WHAT!?"

The news was so sudden, I knocked over my chair and started pacing while rambling. "No, no, no, this cannot be real! I thought the good were supposed to die young, not the evil! I had so much I wanted to do with my life! I never got to fall in love, I never got to rule the world! There are still so many robots I have yet to – OH NO, MY BABIES! They'll power down and rust away without me to run maintenance checks on them-!"

I promptly tripped over the chair I had knocked over and fell flat on my face. After the pain subsided, I looked up to see if the heavenly hottie was still there. She had a bored expression on her face as if she had seen this song and dance before.

"You finished yet?"

I picked myself up off the ground and brushed my coat, acting as if she hadn't seen me freak out just then. Now that I had some time to take in the fact that I was no longer among the living, I decided now would be a good time to start asking some questions.

"So, uh…what about that girl I pushed out of the way of the truck?"

The supernatural babe was quick on the draw, "Oh, she's perfectly fine. In fact, she would've been fine even if you hadn't pushed her out of the way."

"…huh?"

She took a quick glance at a sheet of papers she had on a clipboard before continuing, "Yeah, trucks stopped at red lights don't usually pose much of a threat."

"Wait-wait-wait, time out for a sec," I sputtered, forming a time out signal with my hands. I needed a moment to wrap my head around what I was hearing. "If the truck wasn't moving...and I didn't get run over...then how did I die exactly?"

"Oh, you died of shock. You were so convinced you were gonna become that trucker's latest hood ornament, your brain promptly seized up and you had a heart attack."

As the blue thing explained the details of my untimely demise, her demeanor gradually changed. What was once an unreadable expression soon morphed into a restrained smirk, like she was trying to hold in a laugh. Which is why she eventually gave in and went into hysterics. I just stood there and watched, dumbfounded.

"Pfftt – hahahahahahaha! You were so scared, you peed yourself in the process! The girl you pushed away couldn't stop snickering as she called for an ambulance! And when the doctors were writing down the cause of your death, they went into a riot!"

I covered my ears to block out the horrible truth. "Nope, not listening, can't hear you, la-la-la-LAAA!"

She suddenly invaded my personal bubble, though I was too upset at the moment to properly register it. "The doctors had to phone in your parents and tell them the cause of your death. Even they were laughing!"

"NOOO! You're lying! Liar-liar pants on fire! This is not funny, I'm dead for crying out loud!"

The Crayola Bitch eventually composed herself as her chuckles finally subsided. "Alright, alright, I think I got it all out. Seriously, out of all the deceased humans I've met, you're the one with the funniest death yet! That should honestly be a reward!"

Who the hell does this monster think she is!?

Well, I'd get the answer to my question as she cleared her throat and resumed her "professional" attitude.

"Back to business. I am Aqua, the Goddess of Water. And the one in charge of guiding adolescents who die in Asia to the afterlife. I present to thee a choice: either be reincarnated back on Earth or allow me to send you to Heaven."

The girl, now known as Aqua, looked from side to side as if she were being watched. She covered one side of her mouth before whispering, "But I gotta tell ya, you'll be a bit disappointed with the second option."

"Huh? I will? Why?"

I mean, this is Heaven we're talking about. The Promised Land, Valhalla, whatever you wanna call it. I know I didn't really believe in any of that stuff before, but I also didn't believe in ghosts and magic until a few years back. Besides, at least it's not "H–E–Double Hockey Sticks" for me.

"You see…Heaven isn't as grand as you humans like to imagine. Your soul basically floats around in a sea of clouds. Nothing much to do except talk to others and bask in the sunlight for all eternity. There's no TV, video games, manga, food..."

Aqua shifted the tone of her voice into a more…seductive whisper as she puckered her lips before adding, "And since no one has a body, you can't have sex or do anything even remotely kinky~"

"A-Are you sure you're talking about Heaven and not my eternal damnation? Because the line between the two is starting to blur."

Aqua dropped the sexy voice when she spoke again. "Trust me, you're not the first to think that. Now, I suppose I could have your soul reincarnated into a monkey or something. But it kinda sucks to forget all about your previous life, doesn't it?"

Aqua thankfully got out of my face and flashed a confident grin my way. "That's why I've got a special deal for you! You look pale and look like you haven't slept in years; I take it you play a lot of video games?"

"Is a blue hedgehog's favorite food chili dogs~?"

"Well yeah, but what does that got to do with anything?"

"…"

Didn't expect her to be a gamer. Or kind of an idiot for that matter.

"Yes, I play a lot of video games."

"Oh! Well why didn't you just say so? Use some common sense, boy."

Noob.

Suddenly, a spotlight coming from nowhere landed on Aqua as she dramatically explained her proposal in what had to have been a rehearsed manner.

"A long time ago, in a parallel universe far, far away…there exists a world filled to the brim with magic and wonder. However, in the midst of all that joy exists a tyrannical monster who would dare to take it all away: The Devil King! Peace and prosperity were threatened, and everyone lives in fear as the Devil King's army rampages, slaughters, rapes, pillages, and...more...more slaughters!"

Was she having a stroke or what?

"Basically, if you've ever played a JRPG, you'll have a keen grasp on what to do. Most people are too scared to risk dying twice, so they just opt to go to Heaven. As such, the Fantasy World's population is on the decline. But if you choose to go, your memories and personality will be placed into a body exactly like the one you had before. It'll be as though you never died! Plus, you'll also get to have a 'cheat' to take with you. It could be a magic sword, a special power, or whatever else you can come up with. You'll even receive a free wish from the gods if you defeat the Devil King! Pretty sweet deal if you ask me. So, whaddya say?"

I tuned back into reality and only now did I realize I hadn't been paying much attention.

"Sorry, I zoned out for a second. What were you saying?"

Aqua facepalmed before watering down her speech in an annoyed tone. "Fantasy World: good and happy. Devil King: mean and bad. You: go down there and kick his butt to receive a wish from the gods. Did you get all that or do I have to simplify it even more for you?"

"Oooohhhh, okay. I just have one question. Well, actually, I have a thousand questions, but this one is important. What about the language barrier? I practically had to stick my face in a travel dictionary just to get by living in Asia."

The goddess skipped to her throne and opened a drawer in the nightstand next to it. She pulled out a book of sorts and flipped to a page that had a bookmark in it. She skipped back over to me and placed it in my hands.

As I read through the contents of the chapter, Aqua offered me her cliff notes version. "We gods already have you covered in the language department. The nanosecond you step into the Fantasy World, your brain will be zapped with all the knowledge of the spoken and written languages. There is a small chance your brain won't handle it and you'll go 'poof' – but that's rare!"

"Wait, what about me going 'poof'?"

"Look, do you wanna go or do you wanna sit around and play Twenty Questions all day?"

Well…things just certainly got a whole lot more interesting. I'll admit, Aqua did a decent job of hooking me into the idea of sending me to what is basically a video game world. Even though I'm more of a sci-fi guy, I can get down with being blessed by a hot goddess (stuck-up as she is) to go on an epic quest.

Plu~us, if I can get this Satan wannabe out of the picture and get a free wish out of it, then I can wish to take his place and become the new Devil Queen! No Xiaolin Losers to stop me!

Oh man, I wanna laugh evilly so bad right now. But that might come off as suspicious with a goddess present, and I don't want to ruin my chances of getting in. So I'll just keep it in my head for the time being.

BwahahahahahahaHAAA!

"You've got yourself a deal, sister!"

"Hey, hurry it up. I don't have all eternity. Well, I do, but I don't want to spend it with you."

Aqua muttered something shockingly similar to something Wuya once said to me through a mouthful of potato chips. She had been sitting on her ass for about half an hour munching on junk food while I sorted through all of the written cheats to choose from on the floor.

"You're not the only human I need to send off, y'know. I got an hourly quota I need to surpass and you're holding up the line. You're just some self-absorbed otaku who spends his free time cooped up inside all day. It's not like anything you pick will matter…"

"Let the mastermind concentrate here, woman."

"Don't gimme no lip! You should know better than to speak so rudely to a divine goddess, human!"

I felt something small bounce off my head as I went about my business. I think she threw a potato chip at me. Doesn't matter, she's just a small steppingstone on the path to my victory. Once I select my blessing, I'll never have to see her again. Besides, I've heard better insults coming from Wuya and Chase.

Anyway, it was only taking so long to choose because there were simply too many options to consider. I started out with a basic system of placing the contracts in either a "Maybe" pile or a "No Way Jose" pile. Half an hour later and all the contracts I sorted through find themselves in the "Maybe" pile!

Also, let's not forget to mention that some of these powers and items are totally ripping off certain Shen Gong Wu. Don't believe me? Here's the description of some of these cheats verbatim:

A sacred sword that allows the wielder to bend the wind at their command. That's just the Sword of the Storm.

A light, casual shirt disguised as nigh-invulnerable chest armor. Can you say the Two-Ton Tunic?

A flying, papier-mâché dragon as a rideable companion. The Longi Kite.

The ability to predict your enemy's every move. The Mind Reader Conch in a nutshell.

All these abilities and items are just bootlegs of Shen Gong Wu! Unless...it's the Wu that are the bootlegs of these abilities and items? Perhaps there are some things we're not meant to know, like whether the chicken or the egg came first.

Philosophical questions aside, I wanted something nobody else would think of. Think, Jack, what's the last thing one would expect from a teenager in a pseudo-medieval fantasy land to have...?

I know! The power of technology! The one skill I excel at!

"Alright, I've got my own custom cheat I'd like to take with me please!"

Aqua put her chips away and said in a flat tone, "Well, that was thirty minutes of my life I won't get back. Alright, what is it?"

"Get ready for this! I call it: 'Sandbox Mode'. I want it to be an ability where I can spawn all the necessary tools and equipment I need to make robots and other machinery."

"Done."

I blinked. "That's it?"

"Yup. You get your blessing once I send you to the Fantasy World."

"Oh...Weeeell, don't I at least get some starting gold or something?"

Aqua sighed, "Yeah, I guess you're right."

The goddess unenthusiastically rose out of her seat and magically spawned a small pouch in her hand, presumably filled with gold coins. I excitedly rushed over to pluck it out of her hand.

Before I could collect my booty, however, she raised it above her head with a sly smirk on her face. "I'll only give this to you if you say, 'Thank you for your kindness, Aqua-sama~'."

Really? She's making me beg like a dog? Also, I died in China, not Japan. And I'm American!

"Uh, you can't make me!"

My cries of defiance only served to amuse the water-themed goddess further as she retorted, "Just for that, you now have to say, 'I'm so sorry for disrespecting you, Aqua-senpai. I'm just a foolish little boy who doesn't know any better'!"

I've had enough.

I threw myself at her as we both rolled around on the floor, slapping one another and pulling at each other's hair. Sometime during our scuffle, there was a ray of light accompanied by a disembodied angelic choir that made us freeze in place. It was especially awkward for me because Aqua was halfway to pinning me down, and thus, she was sitting right on top of my stomach.

To detract the blood from rushing down south, I occupied my eyes by examining the apparent newcomer: an actual fucking angel, wings and all. No halo, though, so I'm guessing this one's not of the Christian variety? She had peach-colored hair, a pink dress that was somewhat skimpy, and a warm smile that could melt the hearts of even the most hardened criminals.

That is, of course, except for my greedy black heart. 'Cuz I'm a criminal mastermind.

Her pleasant smile suddenly turned into a confused frown when she witnessed us roughhousing on the floor. "Aqua-senpai? Is everything alright?"

"Stay out of this, rookie! I'm trying to ship this whiny bozo off to a grand adventure!"

"I'M NOT WHINY!"

Without warning, Aqua and I were both separated by an unseen force and each trapped within a glowing magic circle. Obviously just as confused, Aqua lashed out at the angel who now had this threatening aura about her. No joke, she looked like she was about ready to kill her at the drop of a hat.

"Hey, what's your deal!? What is this?!"

The murderous angel answered slowly, and with venom dripping from her words. "I have just returned from a meeting with the Council of Heaven. You were the subject matter of our little discussion, senpai. Your frequent mistreatment and harassment of departed souls has been tolerated for long enough. I am now reassigned to guide humans who pass on in Asia to the afterlife until further notice."

"WHAT!?" screeched the blue banshee. "If the meeting was about me, then how come I wasn't invited to defend myself? I wasn't even made aware of it!"

"If I'm being brutally honest, Aqua? We knew our words would never reach through to that thick skull of yours. It seems the only way for you to learn your lesson is if you learn it the hard way. As such, the Council agreed a fitting punishment for you would be to adventure with the next human you meet. Think of it as your redemption arc. Should you and this young man succeed in your quest to vanquish the Devil King, you may return and have your position of guiding departed souls back."

Aqua banged on the invisible barrier surrounding her and began blubbering like a baby. "Nooo! You bitch! I'm your senior, you're ranked lower than me! Why do I have to go with this clown!?"

"Hey, uh, still in the room over here."

Aqua had rivers of tears streaming down her face as she begged the angel to reconsider. C'mon, lady, at least I had the dignity to hold in my tears when trying the same thing on Pandabubba.

"Fare thee well, young travelers! I pray your journey will be an eventful one!"

The angel beseeched us goodbye as we began to rise up into the air. I glanced over at the lame excuse for a goddess with a smirk and gloated.

"Looks like this is karma for all the mean stuff you said to me earlier. Let this be a lesson: don't mess with Jack Spicer!"

Aqua and I teleported out of Purgatory in an enveloping glow, with her crying her eyes out and me laughing evilly the whole way through.