"C'mon, you big wuss!" Aqua badgered. "This quest is offering 100,000 eris and all we gotta do is kill some weak little goblins! Don't wimp out on me now!"

After we overslept due to Aqua's hangover and me not being a morning person, we had to throw our clothes on and skip taking a bath just to make sure there were still some quests left. We may have smelled like the very stables we sleep in, but we'll live. Besides, unless it's the dead of night, I can't clean myself in a public bathhouse anyway. I respect my privacy too much to strip buck naked in a room full of toned, slender, nude men; they make me feel way too hot and bothered (and maybe a little inadequate).

I'm serious, if there's even one late-night straggler in the bathhouse with me, I can't bathe. I just have to awkwardly stand outside and wait for them to leave. God, I miss my old bathroom…

Anyway, we overslept and now we're paying the price for it. Most of the easy difficulty quests have already been taken by other noob adventurers. We were hard-pressed to find anything else that was within our current Level. That was until Aqua found a quest that seemed just right for us to start grinding. But once she mentioned that goblins were involved…

"Oh no, I am not taking the risk! Creepy mohawk guy told me there are these monsters called 'Beginner's Banes' that share a symbiotic relationship with goblins. They protect the little snots from predators, and the snots return the favor by using themselves as bait to lure beginners to the Beginner's Bane! It's in the damn name for badness' sake!"

"But we'll make quick and easy cash out of it!" Aqua argued.

"And that saber-toothed sugar daddy will make quick and easy snacks out of us!" I argued back.

The Archpriest/goddess slapped the flyer back onto the board while giving me a disappointing glare. "You know what? Fine, sissy! If you think you can pick a better quest, then go right ahead!"

I returned her glare with the evil eye before double-checking the board for something more doable.

Help me find my pet White Wolf! Last seen in the south residential district. Reward is 30,000 eris.

You mean there's a wild animal like that on the loose!? Call animal control, not adventurers fresh off the grill!

Seeking a tutor in swordsmanship for my son. Applicants must either be a Rune Knight or a Swordmaster. Pays 9,000 eris an hour.

That's what you get for homeschooling your son: unreliable strangers that pass you by.

Would you like to take part in my magical experiments? Only those with high HP or strong magical resistance need apply! Willing to pay 50,000 eris PLUS overtime to those who wish to stick around for more~

You'd have to be a hardcore masochist to sign up for something shady like that…

Man, all of these quests blow! They're either for advanced classes or thrill-seekers looking for an easy out. There's gotta be something we can work with here.

Wait – I may have found something. Near the bottom of the board, there was one last easy quest that nobody else took for some reason. Well, I'm sure there was a reason, but beggars can't be choosers.

I peeled off the flyer and read it to my blue-haired associate. "Try this one on for size: 'Giant Toad mating season has arrived. The beasts have been eating livestock outside the city fields. Kill five toads. Three-day deadline. 5,000 eris per toad. The meat will be given to the guild for future dinners'."

Aqua made a disgusted face and stuck her tongue out. "5,000 for an overgrown amphibian dead? We made that much during our week of community service! I don't think so."

And I thought I was stubborn.

"Would it kill ya to help me out here? It's the only manageable quest left we can do. Plus, we have three whole days before it's due – that gives us plenty of time! Can't be any worse than getting mauled."

"Why should someone as amazing as me have to come into contact with gross toads for so little money? I'm a goddess, everyone in the Axis Sect. worships me. I shouldn't have to lift a single finger on a quest this demeaning. I should be spoiled, spoiled, and spoiled rotten gosh darn it!"

Aren't you rotten already? For badness' sake, is this really what everyone saw me as back home?

For as much as I toyed with the idea of strangling this airhead, I still needed her help gaining XP if I wanted to survive. Besides, it's gonna take a while before my JackBots are up and running anyway. I need all the help I could get.

So, through clenched teeth, I hissed, "If you agree to this, I promise to do all of the work and you will get full credit for it. Deal?"

"See? That wasn't so difficult, now was it?"

Yes, excruciatingly so. And don't you dare give me that damn smile, it's way too nice and sincere for someone like you.

Just sigh and move on, Jack. Just sigh and move on…

"Alright, well, now that that's settled, we've got another problem on our hands: how are we gonna do this if we don't have any money for gear or weapons?"

Suddenly, a meek and timid voice tried to make its presence known to us.

"Um, e-excuse me? Is it alright if we h-help you…?"

Even though it failed in doing so, it was practically right next to us, so we turned to look.

Two teenagers stood before us, one boy and one girl. The guy was around my height and looked like he didn't really want to be here. His hair was brown and shaggy, his eyes were green, his skin somewhat pale (though nowhere near the level of mine), and he wore an ugly green tracksuit.

The voice trying to get our attention belonged to the girl. A small blush tinged her cheeks, and while she seemed like she wanted to be here, she also looked ready to flee if we so much as blinked. She had brown hair like the guy behind her, but had red eyes like mine. Her outfit consisted of a small black robe and pink miniskirt that went together with her red hair bows and pink necktie.

Also, it would be remiss of me if I neglected to mention her TIG OL BIDDIES! Holy moly, that chest combined with the cute demeanor was a deadly combo…

But in all seriousness, why am I suddenly meeting so many hot girls after my death on Earth? First it was Aqua, then Luna, now this chick. Are these three of my seventy-two virgins or what? But I'm not Islamic, nor am I all that religious to begin with. Must be sheer happenstance…

In fact, while we're on the subject, most of the men and women I've met in this one town alone were significantly more attractive than most people I've ever met on Earth (in my opinion). Seriously, if you were to compare anyone in Axel to anyone in, let's say, Medieval Europe, I'm sure you'd be able to spot the difference. Despite what those commercial fairy tales might spoon-feed you, people from the Middle Ages were ugly, unhygienic inbreds.

With that in mind, were humans in this universe just inherently more beautiful than humans on Earth? If so, that might explain the average-looking guy in the tracksuit. As if said tracksuit didn't kind of give away his origins already. I may be new to this world, but I had a hunch that wasn't standard attire around here.

"Jack!"

"Huh?"

Oh, it was Aqua. I got distracted by my own internal ramblings. That tends to happen sometimes…

"What's wrong with you? These guys were introducing themselves and you were just spacing out with a look on your face like you were constipated."

"I did not look like that!"

"Oh yes you did. I'll bring a camera next time to prove it!"

Ignore her, Jack. Just address your visitors and find out who they are. "Anyway, who are you guys again? I wasn't paying attention."

The red-eyed girl seemed to get even more flustered at that. "W-W-W-W-Wait, WHAT?! You mean, y-you didn't hear m-my introduction? I-I don't know if I have what it takes to d-do it again! It was already embarrassing enough doing it the first time!"

The guy in the tracksuit looked annoyed but placed a supporting hand on the girl's shoulder to shut her up. "Oi, Yunyun, chill. You already went through this same song and dance with me the first time we met; you don't need to keep doing it with every new person we meet."

"But it's my clan's sacred greeting ritual! What kind of future chief would I be if I didn't uphold my people's traditions!?"

"Look, you already did it once for them, so it's fine. I'll just reintroduce us for space cadet over here since he wasn't paying attention. Cool?"

"…C-Cool…"

He nodded, then turned to me. "Hey, I'm Satou Kazuma. And this is my partner, Yunyun. Nice to meet ya."

"Your name sounds distinctly Japanese," I noted bluntly. "I take it you're from Japan or have Japanese relatives?"

Satou seemed a little taken aback by what I said. He recovered quickly before responding, "Uh, y-yeah, actually. Does that mean you came from-"

"From Earth? You know it, homey! Represent our little blue ball, yo!" I joked while flashing him gang signs. He didn't even crack a smile. Tough crowd.

Yunyun looked between the two of us in confusion. "Earth? I've never heard of that place before. What is it?"

I was about to nonchalantly blow her mind when Aqua butted into the conversation. "Well, Yunyun, Earth is a faraway country overseas and Japan is just one of many kingdoms there!"

"Oh, wow…They both sound so exotic…I hope that one day my travels will take me there!"

Aqua quickly pulled me aside and whispered into my ear, "Jack, you gotta understand, I've reincarnated hundreds of thousands of humans from Asia. Most of those humans had kids, and their kids had kids, and so on and so on. A good chunk of this world's population is made up of people who grew up not knowing where their ancestors really came from."

"So?"

"So how would you react if you found out most humans on Earth were actually the bastard children of beings from a parallel universe? You really think society would just take that in stride?"

"...no."

"Exactly. Now zip it!"

I suppose even a dope like Aqua was capable of making a fair point. We can't really afford having people running around in a panic, not until after I start conquering. Then they can flee all they like before I seize control. Still, it's pretty cool to find a fellow Earthling in this land.

We pulled apart from our impromptu huddle and that's when I decided to ask these guys what they wanted from us. "So, was there a reason you came to us? I assume it wasn't just to say hi."

They just stood there and didn't say a word. It wasn't until Satou nudged Yunyun with his elbow that she finally gave me an answer.

"Oh! Right! Um…well, I couldn't help but notice you two working really hard at the construction site last week to pay off your debt. I…felt really bad, and I wanted to chip in by giving you some money. But every time I saw you guys working hard, I thought, 'Oh, they're way too busy. They'll probably just be annoyed with me if I try to make conversation'. So I ended up watching you work from the sidelines…"

Oh wow. Just…wow. I never thought I would meet somebody who could make me of all people look like a social butterfly in comparison. Evil partners don't count in this context.

Satou seemed to be slowly losing his patience with Yunyun the longer she stalled. "Get to the point already, Yun…"

"Ah! Well, um, I – we, um – WE'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU MONEY FOR GEAR AND WEAPONS!"

…

"That works for us!" Aqua cheered.

"Yeah, uh, what she said," I admitted.

"See, Jack? Good things come to those who are me," Aqua said before turning to thank our two lifesavers. "Thank you, Yunyun-san! Thank you, Kazuma-san!"

"Oi, while I appreciate the honorifics, we're not on a given-name basis yet," Satou curtly reminded her. "Besides, this was Yunyun's idea, not mine. I'm mostly just doing this to help break her out of her shell."

As she was handing us enough eris for starter equipment, Yunyun shyly looked back to her green partner. "D-Did I do good, Kazuma? I didn't come off as too forceful, did I?"

"More like not forceful enough. You can't keep relying on me to speak your mind. Also, control your volume next time. I feel like there were people staring at me like I was scum for some reason."

Aqua suddenly asked, "Hey, hold up a sec…Aren't you that one creep who almost got arrested a few days ago for sexual harass-"

"I am an advocate of true gender equality. I have no qualms with using any tactics necessary to take down a female opponent. That girl wanted a fight, and she got one. Come on, Yunyun, we're leaving."

The skittish, red-eyed girl followed her partner behind like a lost puppy. Meanwhile, Aqua and I were left feeling slightly disturbed at that guy's calm defense for committing sexual harassment. What the hell did he even do…?

Eh, not my table. At least we can finally afford some equipment for our Giant Toad quest. So what if they're a little big? A dumb toad is still a dumb toad. And this quest was marked with easy difficulty stamps. This should be a piece of cake.

"AAAAAHHHHH! "

What was I thinking!? They're called Giant Toads for a reason! If I couldn't handle Giant Squirrels back home, what made me think these guys would've been easier!?

One of the green behemoths was chasing me through the green fields outside the walls of the city. With a dinky, short sword in hand, I bravely ran away from the enormous toad while letting out a guttural scream of manliness.

Meanwhile, Aqua was standing atop a small hill laughing her dumb little head off at my situation. "Jack, you look so funny running around like that! Hey, are you crying or sweating? I can't tell from over here!"

"SHUT UP!"

Another rumbling thud meant the toad was one hop closer to crushing me. If I didn't improvise soon, I was gonna get flattened into a flapME! I mean a flapJACK!

"Wait, what am I doing?" I suddenly asked myself. "I can fly. It can't get me up in the sky! It even rhymes!"

Pressing the hidden button on my skull buckle, my repaired HeliBot whirred to life for the first time in this world. The propellers lifted me away just as the toad was about to crush me. Hovering high above the green monstrosity, I decided to mock it.

"HAH! Suck it, Kermit wannabe!"

The toad responded by latching its stretchy, sticky tongue onto my leg.

"…I'm sorry for mislabeling you-!"

My apology didn't matter as I was quickly being dragged back down and into that gross thing's open mouth! In a flash of panicked thinking – err, I mean…in a moment of sheer brilliance, I sliced my sword through the toad's tongue and freed myself. It croaked in pain and aimless hopped around, trying to catch me in midair.

While hastily dodging, I called out to my support member who was doing anything but supporting. "I know what I said before about me doing all the work, but for the love of evil, stop twiddling your thumbs and HELP ME!"

The goddess disguised as an Archpriest actually giggled at my desperate cry for help. What a bitch!

"Very well then! I, Aqua, the Goddess of Water, shall save your scrawny white butt from peril! When I do, though, I expect you to address me as either Lady Aqua or Aqua-sama from henceforth! Then, you will convert to the Axis Sect. and pray to me before breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Whenever I say so, you will always give me a portion of your food without whining; sharing is caring after all…"

Little did Aqua realize that the toad eventually lost interest in me and crept upon her as she prattled on about nonsense.

"I like my steak cooked medium rare with a trace of pink and lots of juice! When offering me baskets of fruit, I expect them to be both color-coded and alphabetized! I'm a bit of a neat freak when it comes to that stuff. Also-"

It opened its mouth, swallowed her, and lifted its head up to chew. I could see her stiff legs slowly sinking into the toad's green lips as it did this.

Guess I gotta save that loser now, huh? Some ace in the hole she turned out to be.

I flew over to the distracted amphibian while letting out a glass-shattering battle cry.

That…was…unpleasant.

Aqua sat on her knees crying, covered head to toe in a rancid slime that came out of the toad.

The large creature laid on its back behind me with puncture wounds dotting its flesh. Thankfully, it was rendered immobile while eating Aqua, so stabbing it was fairly easy.

But holy shit, I think this marks the first time I actually killed something that wasn't a spider (the only good spider is a dead one). I know it was just a large dumb beast with basic animal instincts, but still. It was a living creature that I mercilessly stabbed to death.

Honestly…I don't really know how to feel about that. I know hunters don't have a problem with shooting deer and shit, but I'm not a hunter: I'm a scientist. I was the person solely responsible for taking away the life of a living being more complex than a bug...

Wait, what am I thinking!? I'm Jack Spicer, Emperor of Darkness! Killing a Giant Toad shouldn't phase me at all! In fact, I should be flexing my status as a bad guy and kill anything that stands in my way!

…Y-Yeah…

I felt something gooey cling to my legs as something foul assaulted my nostrils. I looked down to see a mess of blue hair below me.

"Th-Thank you, Spicer-san, for saving me…Oh thank you, thank you, thank yoooooouuuuuu!"

Now Aqua was crying into my pant legs while expressing her gratitude in between hiccups.

I didn't know what exactly to do in these kinds of situations, so I settled with awkwardly patting her head. What else do you expect me to do? I have no experience in comforting women. Although, this woman was behaving more like a child, and I did have some experience in comforting my little cousin the rare times she got upset.

Come to think of it, what was Megan up to right now back on Earth? Same goes for my parents. Did they actually find my death funny? Why am I only now thinking about this…?

Aqua thankfully snapped me out of that depressing train of thought by standing up and inspecting herself. "Look at me…This isn't how a stunning goddess should be: totally drenched in icky slime! If my devoted Axis followers saw me in this disgusting state, word would spread that some lowly toad bested me, and they'd all lose their faith in me!"

"I'm surprised you still have followers given your track record."

A murderous glint flashed in Aqua's eyes, letting me know that I had just said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. In response, I valiantly tucked my head inside my high collar like a turtle and begged for mercy.

However, before I could brace myself for pain, she dashed away in the opposite direction towards a lone toad doing absolutely nothing. It only acknowledged her presence the moment she started shouting.

"You will know the power of the gods! How dare you bare your filthy fangs at us! How dare you challenge me! You will know regret in the pits of Hell, foul creature! GOD BLOW!"

Aqua's delicate right hand curled into a fist and caught on fire as she closed in on the toad!

"A lethal fist: one that carries a goddess's rage and sorrow! Whomever it strikes will perish!"

The raging immortal slammed her first into the thick belly of the toad. The result sent ripples across its abdomen and little more. The humongous amphibian looked down at Aqua like she was no big deal.

A brief moment of silence passed before Aqua spoke again, albeit softly. "U-Upon closer inspection, you toads are actually really cute!"

It ate her.

"Goddamnit..."

After we trudged back to the guild, we agreed to recruit more party members to help us with our little toad dilemma. Side note: we had fried toad legs for dinner from the two that I had killed. Not half bad.

Aqua volunteered to make a help wanted poster to pin onto the quest board. She reassured me that everyone would come flocking to us because, "she was in the party".

That was nearly two days ago. Today was the deadline for the quest.

We sat at our usual table in the guild sulking it up and feeling pretty sorry for ourselves.

"Don't get me wrong, I like having a team of elitists as much as the next bad guy," I tried to reassure. "But I think we might need to reconsider setting the bar a little bit lower."

"I don't get it…I made sure to include the very important detail that I'm in the group," Aqua muttered to herself, seemingly tuning me out. "Why is nobody coming…?"

I glanced over at the quest board while Aqua was busy drowning in her own self-pity. From where I was sitting, combined with my poor eyesight, I couldn't make out a word of the chicken scratches she scribbled. But there was no need as I had already read it beforehand…

Immediate opening available in a cozy, harmonious party. If you wish to go on quests with Lady Aqua (the beautiful Archpriest) and her sickly pale assistant, then look no further!

"Ever since I joined this party, I've been happy every day! I definitely hit the JACKpot!" - John Doe

"After I joined Lady Aqua's party, I got over my terminal illness and became super popular!" - Jane Doe

Only adventurers in advanced classes will be considered. Beginners need not apply.

I rested my chin on the table as the two of us sat in dejected silence for a while.

If only I had the Sands of Time Shen Gong Wu with me! I know what I said before about not needing Wu anymore, but I can't help but think of all the ways they could be useful to us right now! Like, with the Sands of Time, we could just bring our future selves to come help us! Although…knowing ourselves, they'd probably ask for money, which is what present Aqua and I are trying to earn to begin with...

Never mind, it was a stupid idea anyway.

Somebody had better show up soon or I'm resorting to robbery. Shouldn't be too hard to pull off. Whoever said "crime doesn't pay" was a goody two-shoes loser trying to make himself feel better while working at his dead-end job. Crime totally does pay, so long as you don't get caught.

"I saw your notice calling for adventurers."

Aqua and I paused our moping session as we stared wide-eyed at each other. Someone was actually giving us the time of day! Hope wasn't dead yet! We excitedly sat up to see our new applicant…

Only for hope to fully die when we saw it was just a kid.

She couldn't have been older than thirteen. She had rough, shoulder-length brown hair and a red eye patch covering her left eye, leaving the right red one exposed. Her brownish wizard hat had button eyes and a stitched mouth, giving it the appearance of a monster resting atop her head.

The rest of her attire was also wizard-like: a brown cloak, red gown with a belt, black choker, fingerless gloves similar to my own, and boots with bandages wrapping around her right leg. To top it off, she carried a wooden staff with a small blue orb defying gravity by levitating below the curved tip.

By the way, I was able to distinguish all those reds and browns easier due to the guild being well-lit. I have partial color blindness and I tend to get those two mixed up a lot in my dark house. Fuck you, albinism, for not allowing me to open a window to let sunlight in.

"I was informed that you were recruiting new members," She spoke with steady confidence. "Is this true?"

I snapped out of my analytical trance and answered yes. The new girl smirked and covered half her face with her palm, leaving her middle and ring fingers apart for her right eye to peek out. The red eye eerily lit up and highlighted her shaded face with its demonic glow. I'm assuming it's red because glowing brown eyes wouldn't be as spooky.

"Then our meeting is a fate chosen by this world. It would seem that my search for suitable companions has come to an end! Tell me, do you request the powers of the one so unimaginable that she has been ostracized from the inhabitants of this realm? For where the wind blows, none dare to speak my name. Only those close enough and with a bond of a thousand stars may be allowed to say it…"

The girl dramatically swished her cloak aside before striking a pose. "For the world trembles at the name of Megumin! An Archwizard who wields Explosion: the most powerful, most feared, most deadly spell in all the land! No mortal could ever dare to challenge the might of my powers! If thou wish to align thyself with mine preeminence, stare into the ultimate abyss with me! But take heed, for if thou doth stare into the abyss, the abyss shalt stare into thee..."

Sweet evil and all that is melodramatic…

This kid…oozes with evil potential! I mean it – she could be a rising evil star one day! I know I behaved a lot like her in my early days of villainy. Bad times~

Aqua said something to me to catch my attention. "Just for the record, Jack, this is more or less what Yunyun's introductory greeting was like. Y'know, while you were too busy fantasizing about her boobs and all."

"AQUA! Innocent until proven guilty."

Megumin broke character at the mention of the name Yunyun. "Ugh, is that girl still pestering folks here with her social awkwardness? Wait – CRAP! The flow of my monologue! Hold on, please. Let me get back to where I was."

Megumin cupped her chin while tapping her foot in thinking mode, trying her hardest to remember her lines. I'm seeing more of myself in this little wizard kid with every passing second.

"Let's see…I'm past the part about my Explosion magic…I mentioned the abyss…Ah, right!" Megumin appeared to have found her groove as she cleared her throat and resumed monologuing. "Since my creation, the cosmos have wept under my influence! Everyone who has heard of my clan knows that I am their foremost prodigy! My lethal powers can demolish the tallest mountains, smash the hardest stones, and…wipe…out…armies…"

Barely finishing her rant, the young girl collapsed on the floor. Aqua quickly got up and knelt beside her while gingerly picking her up by the shoulders.

"Is, uh, falling flat on your face part of the monologue?" I asked. "If so, then it's not a great look for you. I'm speaking from experience here."

Megumin stood back up with the help of Aqua as her stomach audibly growled. "No…I just haven't eaten in three days. I'm dreadfully hungry..."

Yikes, no food for three whole days? I'd shrivel away if I went a day without snacks. And just like that, I now crave pudding cups. Where's YesBot when you need him!?

Oh, right, still on Earth with an empty snack pod…damn.

While I was lost in thought, Aqua decided to point something out about the red-eyed wizard. "Hey, since you're clearly a Crimson Demon, you wouldn't happen to be from the same village as Yunyun, would you?"

"If you're referring to the only village where literally every other Crimson Demon in Belzerg comes from, then yes," Megumin stated rather dryly. "We both graduated from the academy and left to travel. But she ended up following me to Axel, much to my chagrin. It's a long story."

Megumin briefly glanced in my direction. That glance, however, quickly shifted into a full-on stare. I could practically feel her gaze into my corrupt soul.

After what felt like an eternity, she drastically pointed a finger at me and her eyes lit up again. "You! You have red eyes too! Could you possibly be the descendant of a well traveled Crimson Demon by chance? Mixing our blood with outsiders could explain some of the physical differences, like your pale complexion and lack of brown hair."

I shook my head. "Nah, the eye color and skin tone are part of a genetic disorder I got from a lack of melanin. And I have no explanation for the hair color. But speaking of eyes, what's with the eyepatch? You goin' for a magical pirate look or something?"

Megumin dropped the kiddie act and suddenly spoke in a very serious tone which managed to send shivers down my spine.

"This eye patch is a seal. It is the only thing in the material world that can suppress my immense magical powers. Should it ever be removed, skies will crack, life will fall to ashes, and existence as we know it will be all for naught…"

Now, I've heard my fair share of grandiose, end-of-the-world tales back home. I've also happened to live through a handful of 'em. But nothing scared me more than the thought of no world left to conquer...besides spiders...and clowns...and enclosed spaces - never mind.

"C-Christ, is that all true?" I asked.

Megumin casually shook her head. "No, that was a lie. I just wear it because I think it looks cool."

…

"I, uh, like your fingerless gloves…?" She complimented in an unsure manner.

"Hey, thanks! They're slick, aren't they? I like yours too."

"Thanks, man! We have good taste in fashion, don't we?"

As we were rockin' our gloves, Aqua approached me from the side to say, "Just so we're all on the same page here, Megumin and Yunyun are a subspecies of human known as Crimson Demons. They're some of the most intelligent and skillful mages around. Also, the goofy names are like a cultural thing; they're all infamous for being natural-born chuunis."

Chuuni? Wait, I think I might've heard that term somewhere before...yeah, I remember. Back when I went to Japan to take the Zing Zom-Bone Shen Gong Wu, I overheard a couple of girls on the street call me that while giggling. At the time, I assumed they were calling me cute!

It wasn't until I returned home (after Kimiko mercifully un-zombified me, that is) that I took to the internet to find out what it meant. I won't get into the details of what happened next to preserve my dignity, but let's just say I didn't take the discovery too well...

"Chuuni" is short for "chuunibyou", which is Japanese slang that roughly translates to "Middle School 2nd Year Syndrome". Kids and teens with this psychological phenomenon either act like know-it-alls or have delusions of grandeur. Think of it as the Japanese equivalent of someone going through their emo phase.

Now before anyone says anything, no, I am not a chuuni! Would a chuuni have the smarts to build advanced robots to help him conquer the planet? I don't think so. And just to prove my point, I'm not going online to research any supervillains that may meet that criteria. Not like I can, anyway.

"HEY! We Crimson Demons are a proud people! Where do you get off calling my name goofy!?" Megumin scolded Aqua. "Where I come from, everyone has completely normal names. It's everyone else outside of my clan that has strange naming conventions."

Honey, I know a morbidly obese ninja named "Tubbimura" and a cat-themed cat burglar named "Katnappé". I've heard stranger names. But I'm gonna humor ya anyway.

"Oh yeah? Then what're your parents' names?"

Megumin randomly performed a strange pose while answering my question with a proud smile. "My mother is Yuiyui and my father is Hyoizaburoo!"

I take it back, there are always stranger names.

Just to distract myself from the awkwardness, I typed those names into my wrist device I was fortunate enough to still have on when I reincarnated. "Hey, uh, how do you spell those? Spell Check keeps autocorrecting them to 'Yo-yo' and 'Hasbro'. Heh, like the toy company…"

Before she could take the time to sound out every vowel sound for me, Megumin's stomach growled like one of Chase Young's panthers. She blushed a little in embarrassment.

Uh-oh, that was cute. Which means she still has some pureness in her. We'll have to nip that right in the bud as soon as we can. Don't want a bright, young villainess in training to go soft on me.

"Could I tell you after lunch first? I really need the energy before I pass out..."

I rolled my eyes and let her pick something out on the menu.

We grouped back outside after lunch to test Megumin's magical capabilities and determine if she was worthy enough to be on the team. Gotta say, though, I can only expect great things. Aqua and I checked out her Adventurer Card while she wolfed down her meal; most of her stats looked promising.

With my sword, Aqua's flower bud staff, and Megumin's wizard staff at the ready, we situated ourselves atop a hill scoping the area for more Giant Toads.

"Explosion is the strongest spell, and strong spells take the most time to conjure," Megumin explained while brandishing her tool. "When we find a toad, I need you two to keep it at bay until I am done with my preparations."

It didn't take long for me to find our soon-to-be target. "Look! There's one! Just hopping around like he owns the place. Smug bastard..."

"Don't worry, guys. As a goddess, I've got you all covered!"

Megumin gave the blue twerp a strange look. "Hang on, you're a goddess?"

Aqua, you dumb-dumb, what happened to your own rule of staying undercover? Well, time for my invaluable improvisational skills to come into play.

"Yeah, um, ya see, Megumin, Aqua had a nasty breakup with her boyfriend recently. He used to call her his goddess all the time, and she kinda latched on to the pet name after he left. I'd say it's either a case of denial or it's her coping mechanism."

Thankfully, it was enough for the wizard to look at Aqua in a completely different light. "Oh, you poor thing..."

I turned to Aqua – who looked about ready to burst into tears – and offered her an apology shrug. Just when I thought she was gonna let me have it, her face soon morphed into fierce determination. She locked eyes with another toad that happened to be nearby, letting out a much better war cry than mine admittedly.

"I don't care if these things are resilient to my attacks, I refuse to be defeated by such a lowly adversary! I'll show you all the taste of a real goddess! Now tremble before me, creature! GOD REQUIEM!"

I'll spare you the details and just say it ate her again.

"Man, she really Jacked that one up...I have got to stop unintentionally insulting myself."

Suddenly, the wind started picking up as it strangely shifted around Megumin. I had to do a double take when I saw what looked like streams of outer space itself swirl into the crystal in her staff. Megumin stood completely still and tightly gripped her staff as she closed her eyes and chanted some kind of incantation.

"Darkness blacker than black and darker than dark,

I beseech thee, merge with my deep crimson. The time of awakening cometh.

Justice, fallen upon the infallible boundary, appears now as an intangible distortion!

Dance, dance, dance!

I desire for my torrent of power a destructive force: a destructive force without equal!

Return all creation to cinders and come from the abyss!

This is the mightiest means of attack known to man, the ultimate attack magic!"

Nine red cipher circles of varying sizes stacked above the toad she was aiming for. All it could do at that moment was stare up at them like a deer caught in the headlights.

"EX-PLOOOOOOO-SION!"

The circles unleashed a fiery column of heat and fire. I had to turn away in order to uphold the long-standing tradition of being too cool to look back at an explosion (and not just because my retinas would combust otherwise).

It was only after the ground stopped shaking that I dared myself to inspect Megumin's handiwork. The spot where the toad once stood was charred black and a large crater took its place….

After scooping my lower jaw up off the ground, I noticed the little pyrotechnician had fallen to the ground face first for some reason. I also noticed a sinkhole forming a little ways away from her as a toad emerged from the ground. Her Explosion must've woken it from its hibernation.

It noticed her limp body on the ground and proceeded to hop over to her.

Megumin managed to lift her head enough to say, "I forgot to mention, while Explosion magic is indeed very powerful, using it takes a lot of energy. I overexerted myself conjuring it, and now…well, I can barely move."

If I had a nickel for every time I got the short end of the stick, I'd be twice as rich as my family's own company.

"Uh-oh, I wasn't counting on a toad to pop up nearby," Megumin said in a tone that didn't accurately portray her worry. "This is bad; I'll be eaten. Sorry, but could you please do something before-"

Before she could finish, the monster already had her upper torso in its mouth. All that left me with was two associates slowly being swallowed.

"And people wonder why I prefer to work with robots. Alright, better get these two bozos free-"

A huge thud from behind followed by the earth shaking again cut me off. Turning around slowly, I was met face-to-face with another toad staring down blankly at me. It licked its lips with its long tongue.

This world's food chain was so fucked up...

It was nightfall by the time we shambled our way back into town. I had to piggyback a mucus-covered Megumin while an equally mucus-covered Aqua lagged behind, whining about the smell. And she had every right to complain about that as the stench was nauseating.

Being eaten alive by a Giant Toad was mercifully not that painful. I had to deal with bouts of claustrophobia and PTSD from being eaten by Dojo, but at least it didn't hurt. Eventually, I had to cut and stab my way out once I was squeezed into the beat's stomach, then went to go cut the girls out. It was still horrible, gross, and stinky.

Every woman we passed by muttered something under their breaths and looked at me with either disgust, anger, fear, or some combination of the three. Was this not a regular sight for the townspeople? I assumed adventurers came home dirty and smelly all the time. It's not like we're out picking roses or something.

"Y'know, I won't lie, Megumin, at first I thought your Explosion magic was the bomb – no pun intended," I started after enough silence had passed between us. "But after seeing the aftermath, I gotta say, I'm a little letdown. Can't you use anything other than Explosion?"

"No."

I stopped dead in my tracks. Aqua wanted to ask why we were stopping, but I ignored her. This required my absolute full attention.

I twisted my head around so I could better face the brat that just said that to me point-blank. "You're joking."

"I have never been more serious in my entire life," She said with a straight face.

"But…but…why?"

Seriously, WHY!? Why would you do something so stupidly suicidal!? Answer me now before I drop you, you little turd!

Megumin pointed her finger straight up into the sky as she declared, "Because Crimson Demons are a proud and noble people! They have carried the title of Archwizards for many generations and only use the most advanced magic available! That is why I choose to exclusively use Explosion – the most powerful magical attack – and nothing else! All the other attack spells in the Detonation series of magic suck! Even if I can only use it once a day, so be it. I will DIE if I go a single day without casting Explosion! It may make my life of adventuring a tough path to walk, but that is the price I am willing to pay..."

Aqua applauded at the end of her speech and wiped away a few tears that were threatening to leak out of her eyes. "That was beautiful. I've never felt so inspired before in my life. Your motivation is completely bonkers but I love the passion behind it!"

The two girls smiled and gave a thumbs up to one another. I am so done.

But…in a way…I kinda see a little bit of myself in Megumin. Chase, Wuya, and the Xiaolin Monks would get on my back for not practicing martial arts or Shen Gong Wu. And I think my last argument with Wuya speaks for itself. Even though robots are inherently more beneficial in the long-term than Explosion magic, I really am no different to Megumin, am I?

"…I guess I can respect your drive too…" I conceded after a beat.

"Mmhmm! Explosion magic is the only kind of magic one needs in their life! I see you're smart cookie as well."

I felt the weight of Megumin's chin rest on my left shoulder as she quieted down. She spoke again, this time sounding less confident than before.

"So, now that I've displayed my powers for you to see, may I…um, may I join your party, please? Y-You don't even have to pay me in money, I'm perfectly fine with just being paid in food. That's all I ask. Honest…"

Aw crap! It's the universal weakness for every bad guy ever: empathy! Must…resist…Jack, must resist! You are evil to the bone and all the way down to your greedy black heart. Don't let the fact that you can relate to her influence your decision-making!

But then again, that Explosion really packs a punch-

No! After only one turn, she becomes dead weight. She's a liability.

Well…let's go over the pros and cons.

Pros: I'll have my own personal walking, talking nuke. She'll immediately increase the size of the party, thus making us stronger than we were before. And on top of it all, I could totally be her evil wingman.

Cons: She only knows one spell. She can only use that spell once per day. And worst of all, she becomes immobile and useless afterward.

So…do I want the glass cannon on my team or not? Hmmmmmm…

"Fine," I said with a sigh. "I suppose you have what it takes to be a part of Jack Spicer's Evil Posse. Welcome aboard, Megumin."

I suddenly found myself being choked to death by a very happy camper clinging to my back.

"YES! YES! Thank you so much! I promise I'll be the best teammate you ever had!"

My only response was sputters of air escaping my closed-off windpipe. Thankfully, she got the message and loosened her grip on my neck, allowing me to breathe again..

As I gulped down gallons of much-needed oxygen, Megumin curiously asked, "By the way, what do you mean by 'Evil Posse' exactly?"

It was ultimately Aqua who answered for me, despite not giving her my consent to do so. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Playing the role of the bad guy is basically his main shtick. I think it might be the result of him never growing out of his chuuni phase; he used to be the western equivalent of a shut-in otaku. It's honestly really funny to watch how hard he tries to convince us that he's evil."

"Oooooh, okay. I think I get it. That does sound like fun!"

Aqua, you blue bimbo! You're ruining my chance of recruiting a villainous sidekick! Now she probably thinks I'm a wannabe!

"Don't listen to her! I'm bad to the bone – I swear!" I pleaded.

Megumin simply giggled and patted my head in response to my cries. "Whatever you say, 'bad guy'. I think you and I are going to get along just fine."

My reputation must really be in the toilet if not even kids will take me seriously.

But I'm not giving up hope yet. I'll get Megumin to see my true evil colors soon enough. Same goes for Aqua, too. I'm positive that once they come to understand my grand vision for the world, they'll become so enamored with the prospect of glory that they'll just have to follow my leadership without question! After all, these two seem like the sort of bunch that can be swayed in the right direction.

Or should I say…the wrong direction~? HehHehHeh…

After the girls took their much-needed baths, Megumin insisted on sleeping in her tent outside the walls due to her reason being that she needed some time alone to reflect on today's events. Aqua trudged back to the stable claiming to be too exhausted to eat dinner. So that just left me to be the one to cash in the completed quest for rewards.

I found out that I went from Level 1 to Level 6 like it was nothing. Luna explained that new adventurers tend to grow faster with their first kills. Again, it would've been helpful if she told me that during the real-time, unskippable tutorial I was forced to listen to. That receptionist is lucky her world hasn't invented Yelp, otherwise I would've left a strongly worded review of the guild already.

Anyway, the total cash reward for the quest came out to 25,000 eris for five dead toads. However, since Aqua and I spent 5,000 eris on dinner and the other 5,000 on lunch with our new team member, the leftover money was only a measly 15,000 eris. And I had to divide it evenly amongst three people.

Needless to say, I've earned the right to sulk alone at my table.

"If this were in USD, we'd be set for a while. But nooooo, it just has to relate more to the Japanese yen. So 15,000 eris is like, what? $140, give or take? That's chump change around here."

I slammed my head on the table and groaned loudly. "The sooner I finish my JackBots, the sooner I can start living on easy street..."

While absentmindedly studying the craftsmanship of the mahogany wood, I heard the distinct sound of metal clinging against itself. At first, I dismissed it as my imagination getting to work on forging robots, but the sound persisted and became louder until it stopped right behind me.

"Pardon me, but are you the pale assistant to the Archpriest named Aqua?"

Ugh, people. I can't stand those things. Why don't they just go away, can't they see I'm sulking here?

"Listen, I'm pooped out right now. So if you could just leeeeeeeeaaaaaa…."

My words trailed off the second I turned around to address the stranger. If I had to guess her age, I would say eighteen at the youngest. She had sparkling ocean-blue eyes and golden blonde hair, tied and groomed into a long ponytail that trailed down her back. Clad in clean white/yellow armor with a patch of angelic feathers on her right shoulder piece, the woman held the appearance of a strong yet sophisticated knight.

I would've believed anyone if they told me that she had been handpicked by King Arthur himself. Assuming sexual prejudice wasn't a thing in medieval Earth.

But seriously, who was this blonde bombshell and why was she talking to me of all people!? Look at her hair; god, I bet it's softer than any pillow imaginable. Her eyes could pierce through steel, yet they have a soft undertone of gentleness to them. And would you look at the shape and size of that breastplate-

NO! No funny thoughts, Jack! You cannot risk getting a boner right now, even if your coat covers your crotch!

"The request on the board stated you were the sickly pale assistant to the one who calls herself Aqua, yes?" she asked. Even when asking for confirmation, she was still professional and business-like.

"Uh, y-yeah. That's me. I'm Jack Spicer…Err, Teen…"

I look like a fool out there! I'm stuttering, I'm sweating bullets, and I screwed up on my evil title! Get it together, Jack!

The female knight somehow stood up even straighter and introduced herself. "I am Darkness, and my occupation is that of a Crusader. I serve under the good graces of the Goddess of Luck and Fortune, Eris, and so dutifully swear to eliminate any and all demons in this mortal realm."

If I somehow wasn't impressed before, I sure was now. Crusaders are some of the toughest classes out there, and this one was spending her time talking with a newbie like me. Could this be a sign that Lady Luck was finally giving me a pat on the back for a job well done?

Before I could dwell on it, Darkness suddenly exhaled as if she had been holding her breath. Her cheeks shifted into a tint of red and her hardened gaze softened as her eyes turned to-and-fro. She clenched her hands to her chest and continued speaking, this time through labored breath: as if the act of talking were a chore for her.

"I…also deal with any other monsters…or opponents really, so long as they're stronger than me. Hah, I-I do have a small confession to make, however. While I possess extraordinary strength, endurance, and stamina, I am rather clumsy. My main weapon is a two-handed long sword, yet, whenever I try to swing, I usually end up missing my targets...miserably~"

For as weird and unprecedented as Darkness's change in behavior was, I couldn't help but find myself morbidly curious. Was she just coming down with something? Her face was red, and it looked like she was burning up. No, that couldn't be it. She looked completely healthy just a second ago.

"So, with that said…I was wondering…"

Darkness suddenly clasped her hands in front of her and bowed her head, catching me off guard.

"Could I please join your p-p-p-p-party!?"