Females. Why, oh why, did it have to be females?

Now, I will admit, I am not the most socially intelligent person out there. This is coming from the guy who spent the majority of his childhood indoors talking to machines after all. I mean, there was the occasional online troll, but I hardly count them as real people. But even someone who wasn't socially inept could probably agree that women were just plain complicated. They tend to have a bad habit of utilizing tactical manipulation which, more often than not, goes over men's heads.

Generally speaking, males have a more mechanical mindset, processing only the base information given to them. So, if there's something they're not made aware of, they won't address it. And that tends to really rustles a woman's jimmies. It's partially why I lean slightly more towards men in terms of preferences. They're just more direct with what they want, y'know?

But now here comes a lady knight in a never-ending wave of hotties straight up begging to join my party! All while getting flustered over it. Even my brain, with all its insidious intellect, needed a minute to reboot.

This had to be the single best/worst thing that's happened to me since reincarnating. I mean, what was I supposed to do here? If my enemies were around to witness this, I'd take her in without so much as a second thought. I swear it would have nothing to do with peer pressure. Really, I swear.

But, realistically speaking, she would probably end up distracting me with her feminine wiles. So what is a teen genius to do?

…

I think…for the sake of my goals…as well as my sanity, it'd be best if I didn't rope her into this. Besides, I know she's way out of my league anyway. Can't believe I'm actually about to turn down a smoking hot babe, though. I genuinely suck sometimes...

"Err, sorry, ma'am, but I don't think-"

Darkness interrupted, "I couldn't help but notice that those two girls accompanying you earlier were drenched in some kind of mucus. Tell me, what horrors befell them to make that happen?"

Aaaaaaand going straight for the hard-hitting questions I see. If this knight thinks I was responsible for what happened to those two idiots, it was going to be a one-way trip to the dungeons for sure!

"O-Oh! That old thing? Uh, heheh, well...funny story about that – trust me, it's a real knee-slapper. We, uh, had a nasty encounter with some Giant Toads and-"

The Crusader gasped out loud in shock. At first I thought she was repulsed, but then again, people who are repulsed don't usually sport a mean blush and squeeze their eyes in...what was that? Pleasure?

Speaking of squeezing, that's exactly what she did to my forearm after she had her little moment. Ever had your arm get caught underneath a hydraulic press by mistake? Long story short, I had an accident in the lab one day and wasn't paying attention to my workspace. I'm fine now, the MedBots did wonders on me. But compared to the strength of Darkness's grip, I think I would happily relive that accident any day of the week.

"Th-That settles it!" she loudly blurted. "I implore you to sign me up on your team; I can start work immediately!"

"WOAH-WOAH-WOAH! Now wait a minute!" I shouted, trying to block out the pain of having my forearm crushed. "I'm flattered that you want this opening so bad, really, I am. But to be brutally honest with you, our team is...hot garbage. In fact, it's practically a dumpster fire right now..."

"I do not mind that."

"Yeah, well, we almost got eaten alive just this evening-"

Her grip somehow became stronger. I let out a strangled, high-pitched cry as a single teardrop slid down my cheek. I yearn for the hydraulic press now more than ever.

"I would not mind that either~!"

Darkness invaded my well-maintained personal bubble and got so up close in my face, our noses were just an inch away from sharing an Eskimo kiss. I-I don't know how to handle anything anymore, I'm scared!

"As I stated before, I am very clumsy and in no way good in swordplay. Why, just recently I was kicked out of an adventuring party for my atrocious accuracy. However, I insist that you let me join your party instead! I'll blend in so well with your trashy team, it'll be as though I'm not even there!"

I was currently basking in her hot, minty breath. Her face was burning up, her cheeks looked about as red as my hair, and her blue eyes bore holes into my red ones; a minuscule glimmer of insanity present within them.

I had to get out of there, pronto.

I scooped the money off the table as I nervously blabbed, "Yeah, uh, Darkness was it? I don't think tonight's really a good night to discuss this, I've got a splitting headache coming on. So if you don't mind, let's take a rain check on this, okay? Great, thanks, BYE!"

I already walked past her by the time I finished my rushed excuse. Out of the corner of my eye, I could've sworn I saw her face morph into confusion and…was there a hint of disappointment mixed in there?

Never mind. I got out of the guild and made a beeline for the stables where Aqua was already fast asleep. I skipped out on making the basic parts for my JackBots that night. Instead, I did a lot of tossing and turning in the haystack.

I...may or may not have had to take care of some "unfinished business" that same night too. No way was I going to risk the bathhouse just to take a cold shower.

"Another day, another dollar," I said to myself. "Or 'eris' I guess. Whatever they call their money here."

I told Aqua to head to the guild without me and that I'd meet up with her and Megumin later. I wanted to stay behind in the stables to get a head start on constructing endoskeletons for the JackBots, seeing as how certain...complications from last night disrupted my concentration. My goal was to transfer the backup memory files of the JackBots I was repairing on Earth (I'll figure out how later) and upload them into new bodies here in the Fantasy World. After that, I'll probably make some BuilderBots to help me build a secret evil lair once I improve upon my cheat skill.

After making decent progress in my work, I put on my contact lenses and went outside. As grateful as I am for having my contacts on me when I died, would it have killed the Council of Heaven or whatever to supply me with SPF 30? Even if this planet has a stronger ozone layer than Earth's, the sun's UV rays still pose a risk factor to my skin. I just hope there's a merchant around here that sells something similar to sunblock. Until then, I'll have to avoid staying outside longer than I have to during daylight hours.

Thankfully, the trip to the guild didn't take all that long and I soon returned to my natural environment: indoors. I scanned the crowd for my teammates and spotted Megumin over at the bar counter with Yunyun and Satou. She seemed to be in a heated argument with the pervy Japanese while his well-endowed friend sat quietly in her stool, like a timid child watching her parents fight. I may have to butt in just to see what's what.

As for Aqua…

"Nature's Beauty~!"

Ugh.

She was entertaining the patrons on the second-floor balcony. From what I could tell, the dope was magically popping water lilies out from her hands, with each flower spewing a small fountain of water. She was twirling them around while simultaneously waving Japanese paper fans. It sounded like the adventurers were enjoying her little circus performance.

Aqua noticed me observing her from down below and gleefully skipped to the rail of the balcony. "Jack, look! I used the last of my skill points to learn this new magic trick called 'Nature's Beauty'! Pretty fitting move for a water goddess, wouldn't ya say?"

I should be mad that she wasted the last of her precious skill points on a cheap parlor trick, but she already had most of the healing spells and that was all I cared about. If the support class wanted to goof off on her spare time, then let her. She'll become redundant anyway once I build MedBots.

I mumbled a halfhearted agreement and walked away before she had any time to say something back. Now, I was originally going to walk up to Megumin mid-sentence and ask her what all the fuss was about, but something told me I was better off eavesdropping. That way, I could get a better sense of the argument within its context and then ask for more juicy info once she was done blowing her top (figuratively speaking).

So, I casually stood a couple tables away and strained my ears to listen to what Megumin was snapping at Satou for.

"I swear to every benevolent and malevolent god that exists, if I find out you've been using her to pursue your own sexual advances-!"

"I already told you, I was just trying to straighten out her tie! And here you come barging in accusing me of fondling her tits!"

"Do you think I was born yesterday? I know your type and I keep up with the local gossip! You're the perv that commits lecherous acts against girls under the misguided pretense of 'gender equality'. No wonder people call you Kazutrash and Krapzuma!"

"Hey – WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN CALLING ME THAT!?"

"Um…guys? Don't I get a say in this?"

"Stay out of this this, Yunyun!"

Once again, I couldn't help but feel for that Yunyun girl. Being fought over like a toy must not be fun for her at all. She needs to take some initiative if she wants to make it in the real world. I know I had to at a young age.

Also, was Satou Kazuma some kind of predator? I don't know the guy personally and I get the importance of not judging a book by its cover, but this is the second time I've heard of him assaulting girls. Maybe I should keep an eye out on him, just in case. Sexual assault is something I can't condone. You gotta draw a line in the evil sand somewhere.

Satou continued to defend himself. "Look, regardless of rumors, I'm not violating my partner. She saved my ass from a Giant Toad, I owe it to her. I just figured she needed a friend was all. Hell, I'm even trying to get her open up a little more; just so she doesn't walk down the road of a shut-in. Now could you please let us go already?"

Megumin stared long and hard at Satou. She broke her gaze to briefly glance at Yunyun, who became startled and looked down at the floor.

The little pyrotechnician sighed, "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But if I ever catch you making moves on her, it's an Explosion to the face. Got it!?"

Satou nodded frantically before urging Yunyun to follow him. She complied, but not before saying to Megumin, "D-Don't count this as a legitimate victory! The next time we cross paths, we'll have an official duel to settle our long-standing score!"

The duo left, leaving Megumin to slump into a stool and order something to eat. I decided to slide right into the seat next to hers as the food came.

I noted how she wolfed down her brunch like it was the last meal she would ever come across. When we first met, she did mention that she hadn't eaten anything in three days. Not only that, but in my professional opinion, she also seemed a little too petite for a girl her age. Could she be suffering from malnutrition...?

Whenever I get around to it, I'll have to draw up some blueprints for an invention that can solve our little hunger crisis. Megumin needs her calories and Jack needs his sugar, dammit! Plus, with my notes on magic I took during experiments on Shen Gong Wu, I could possibly incorporate elements of the occult into the functionality of my invention. In theory, I could make a vending-machine that can infinitely restock itself! That magic printer might make for an ideal template to work off of…

Get it together, brain. Question Megumin about the fight already! You can think about snacks later.

"Soooo, what was all the commotion about?" I asked as casually as possible.

Megumin washed down her latest bite with some water before slamming her cup on the countertop. "Nothing. Just making sure that perv doesn't step outta line."

"I take it Yunyun's a close friend of yours?"

"She's an acquaintance at best. For as long as I can remember, Yunyun's always been my self-proclaimed rival even though she can never take the hint. Every time she bumps into me, it's 'let's duel' this and 'let's duel' that. UGH! Stop using that lame excuse and just ask me upfront if you wanna hang out! She can be so damn indecisive…"

A simple "no" would've sufficed as well.

"If she gets on your nerves that much, then why bother having her back?" I couldn't help but ask.

Megumin gave me her version of the evil eye (which was enhanced by the crimson glow) before answering, "Because I'm not heartless. Look, Yunyun's a good person, albeit a tad naïve. Because she's not as extroverted as the rest of my clan, she was doomed to be ostracized. Funifura and Dodonko, two former classmates, would prey upon her loneliness by pretending to be her friends just to mooch off of her. Yunyun is desperate for companionship, and that makes her a prime target for scumbags. That's why I got suspicious when I heard she allied herself with that Kazuma creep."

Sweet evil, the relatability of this fucking hurts. Time to lighten the mood before things get uncomfortable!

"Oh? Are you sure it has nothing to do with him making off with your girl? Wink, wink~?"

Megumin nearly choked on a cooked carrot after I teased her a bit. After clearing her throat, she fumbled all over her words just like how I used to do with my ex-crush.

"Eh!? Shut the hell up! Don't go comparing us to forbidden lovers in a romantic play!"

Megumin stubbornly went back to eating her brunch in silence after that. Ah, denial: the first stage of…wait, what was it the first stage of again? Crap, my train of thought got derailed from thinking about snacks again. Oh well, happens to the best of us.

To keep my genius brain from pulling another fast one on me, I pulled out my Adventurer Card to examine it. When I leveled up the other day, I was also awarded four skill points to spend on skills. However, I had no idea how the mechanics of that even worked. Do I go to a shop and trade the points in for skills? I don't know! Video game worlds seriously need more menus.

"Hey, Megumin, how do I learn a new skill? I see some options on my card here, but I don't know how to actually get them, y'know?"

The Archwizard halted her fork from reaching her mouth and tiredly answered my question. "Just tap on the name of the skill you want and tap your pictograph in the top right corner to confirm the skill purchase."

Oh, I see. So my card is the menu. Clever.

"Also, if you want to pick a skill that isn't listed on your card, you'll have to find someone with a skill that's compatible with your class and have them teach it to you. The generic Adventurer class is pretty open-ended with its move pool in that regard. But skills outside of their intended class tend to be weaker or less potent, so most people don't even bother."

Really? Even if the skills aren't at their fullest potential in a different class, having variety in your move set can only be an advantage. I guess some people just aren't that creative.

"I think I'm picking up what you're putting down," I said with a nod. "So if I had enough skill points to learn Explosion magic let's say, I'd have to come to you for that department, right?"

Megumin nearly gave me a damn heart attack when she shot out of her seat and got up close and personal with my face. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she had somehow gotten ahold of the Shard of Lightning when I wasn't looking.

"YES, EXACTLY! That's all you'd have to do, Jack! If you ever wanna learn Explosion magic, I can teach you all that I know! When you really stop to think about it, is there any other skill that's more worthwhile to learn? No, there most certainly is not. Just say the word and we shall walk the path of Explosions together!"

"Easy, EASY! I was just being hypothetical! I don't even want a move that'll leave me KO'd. That's your signature thing, not mine."

The giddiness of the hyperactive arsonist died out in an instant. Megumin returned to her seat and stared at her food after I pushed her off me. It was only her second day on the team and she was already giving me the cold shoulder? What the heck? Was it something I said?

"Don't get my hopes up like that next time," She said bitterly as she went back to eating. "I take my craft seriously, and I don't appreciate you giving me false hope. I'll still be here if you ever see the light, but until then respect the Explosion."

It was just a hypothetical, you little brat!

Before I could get a chance to unleash my infamous evil back-sass onto this piece of work, a voice approached me from behind. "Ah, there you are, Mr. Spicer! I trust a good night's rest cured you of your headache?"

My blood ran cold. Darkness occupied the empty stool on my left and swiveled her body to face me. She fished something out of her pockets and presented her fist. She unfurled it to reveal a handful of...gold and silver eris coins?

"You were in such a rush last night, you accidentally spilled some of your change on the floor and didn't pick it up. I thought I would make good on my Code of Chivalry and return this money to its rightful owner. Here you are, free of charge of course!"

She flashed an award-winning smile my way after making a decent play on words. It felt like an eternity passed between staring at Darkness and collecting my missing change. Well, she seemed to be acting normal at least, so that's good. God, I hope I'm not blushing stupidly right now...

Come on, Jack, why are you like this!? Did you learn nothing from your one-sided crush on Chase Young? It's not like you'll ever have a shot with her anyway!

Megumin asked if I knew who this person was and Darkness greeted her along with answering on my behalf. "Oh, hello there! My name is Darkness and I am a Crusader. I met your companion here last night, we were discussing a potential opening in his party that I could fill. Speaking of which-"

I immediately cut Darkness off with a forced laugh as I strung together a series of words that would hopefully deter her from joining. "HAH-HAH! Hey, listen, Darkness, love the enthusiasm! But, unfortunately, we just don't think you're Jack Spicer material. So if you could just run along now, we'll never have to see each other ever again. Great? Greeeeat..."

The reaction from the blonde bombshell was not one I was expecting. She took a sharp intake of air, swung her whole upper torso around like a damn tire swing, and tightly hugged herself while blushing madly. "R-Rejected after I did a good deed for someone! This is certainly a first~"

I gawked at the smiling knight. She actually liked being turned down?

"That's not how you do it, Darkness~ You'll scare people away if you're that pushy."

Suddenly, another girl stepped into the picture and stood beside Darkness. She had light purple hair and was wearing a small green cloak, cyan scarf, bikini top with one strap, denim shorts, gloves, and knee-high socks with boots. There was also a noticeable scar that left its imprint on her right cheek.

"Sorry, my friend here can get a little excited sometimes," She apologized before introducing herself. "Name's Chris! Mysterious beauty by day, Thief extraordinaire by night~! Pleased to meet ya!"

Finally, a chick who seemed to be somewhat normal. I was beginning to suspect all the girls in this universe were either unhelpful or batshit crazy.

"I couldn't help overhear your uncertainty on what skills to get," Chris said to me. "Might I make a suggestion?"

I shrugged. "Sure, I am pretty desperate."

The Thief blinked at me before responding. "Okaaay...? Uh, anyway, why not go for some Thief skills? They're pretty cheap and can be extremely useful when done right. In fact, if you buy me a beer, I'd be more than happy to teach you some."

Chris may as well have been a Bard instead of a Thief because that sounded like music to my ears! Even though I've stressed before that I'm not exactly what you'd call a hugger, I just had to make an exception with this girl. It was the only way to properly express the relief fireworks going off in my head!

"Oh thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! You are a godsend right now!"

A sudden sharp pain in my lower abdomen made me recoil away. I promptly sank to my knees, clutching my stomach and groaning.

"Sorry for decking you like that," Chris apologized. "But you were hugging me for way longer than I was comfortable with. 3-second rule, please remember that."

"R-Read ya loud and clear..." I groaned while giving a shaky thumbs-up.

After I bought Chris a drink, she told me to meet up with her outside to help me dip my toes into the world of Thief skills. My only condition was that it had to be in an area with a decent amount of shade. I wasn't about to risk getting a sunburn or worse just to learn how to pickpocket or whatever.

Our meetup spot ended up being in a street lined with tall, connected buildings that offered some nice protection from the sun. Darkness (the person, not the shade) was also there as she insisted on watching from me the sidelines for some reason. A little weird but I couldn't really find any reason to object. Besides, Chris probably wouldn't like it if I told her friend to beat it.

Chris clapped her hands to get my attention, much like what Mrs. Cornhaven would do whenever she caught me daydreaming. "Alrighty, let's get started! Now, you'll find that there are a variety of Thief skills for a variety of situations. It all depends on what you're trying to accomplish: sneak into a noble's manor, detect hidden treasure, all that good stuff. But I'll show you one of my favorites first. Steal!"

A bright flash of light emanated from her open palm and I immediately shielded my photosensitive eyes. Before I could scold her about how albinism affects my vision, I noticed something off about my pockets. They felt suspiciously lighter than I last remembered.

As I frantically patted myself down, Chris giggled and presented a small money pouch from within her-

"Hey, that's my money pouch! How'd you do that!?"

The spunky girl giggled before explaining, "What I just used was a common Thief skill called 'Steal'. Pretty self-explanatory, it steals an opponent's item for you. The item in question depends on the caster's Luck stat, so the higher the better. Catch!"

Chris tossed the pouch my way, and I had to fumble with it for a bit before I finally caught it. This caused her to giggle at me again, making me a little flustered. Normally whenever somebody giggles at my expense, I get annoyed or upset. But, for whatever reason, I actually found it to be kind of endearing coming from her. How come I can never get teammates like that?

"Hey, I have a question," I started. "What if you use Steal and your Luck stat isn't so high like yours truly?"

"It just means you'll be less likely to swipe something valuable. But c'mon, your Luck can't be that bad."

I handed Chris my Adventurer Card. "Read it and watch me weep..."

Chris's eyes skimmed my card. They slowly widened in horror before she made an attempt to speak.

"Holy…oh my gods, I…I'm so sorry, man. I don't know what Eris must've been thinking when deciding on your Luck."

"Eris? What do you mean?" I questioned.

As Darkness leaned over her friend's shoulder to read my card, she explained, "Eris is the Goddess of Fortune and Luck. Those who disrespect her or commit bad deeds in life will more often than not pay the price through their Luck stat – oh my word! I had no idea a stat could even go that low! Oh, you must be absolutely vile~"

So...a goddess is the one responsible for making my already hard life even harder? And it's literal Lady Luck herself!? I can never catch a break!

"Woah, your Intelligence stat more than makes up for your Luck though!" Chris shouted. "I'd bet my magic dagger that not even researchers from the old Noise Kingdom could hold a candle to your smarts! Y'know, before they all died..."

Chris handed me my card back and gripped my shoulder tightly. I stared at her as she stared back with resolve in her eyes. "Listen, don't let your misfortune bring you down, okay? Luck isn't even all that essential for adventuring. They say, 'brains beat brawn', and if that expression holds any water, then you're capable of accomplishing whatever you set your mind to. The world is your oyster, dude!"

Dang...that sounded like something YesBot would say to me after a long day of beatings. And you know what? Both make a great point. The world really is my oyster, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let it get away from me! That mollusk is mine for the taking!

"Gee, thanks Chris..." I muttered sheepishly.

"Don't mention it. We just need to find you another skill you can utilize. Why not check your card and see what else tickles your fancy?"

Nodding, I took a look at my options and noticed something interesting. Before, in the skill section, all that was listed were some basic magic spells. But now I was also seeing skills in the Thief class. Seems Megumin was right about cross-class skills being a thing. I guess you could say I'll be a Jack-of-all-trades, huh?

If I weren't already a mad scientist, I'd be a stand-up comedian for sure.

Anyway, let's check out what skills I can learn:

Lurk: Reduces the visibility and scent of the user and anyone or anything they touch.

So basically the Shroud of Shadows minus the shroud. Pretty cool!

Farsight: Allows the user to see far off into the distance and improve the user's vision overall.

Given my crappy vision, this is a must-have! Who knows, maybe it'll even correct my partial color blindness.

Enemy Detection: Allows the user to sense an enemy's presence using "Radar-like" pings.

So...kinda like a mini-map? Not exactly how that works sure but I'll take it anyway.

Bind: Binds a target in rope provided the user has a rope on them.

Magically tie up my enemies, eh? Just thinking about all the evil I could do with that gets me fired up! I'm sold!

I showed Chris the skills I selected, and she nodded in approval. "Solid selection. I see you choose Bind in that list. That's really handy when you're trying to escape from a tight situation. Now tap your pictograph on the card to learn the skills."

When I tapped the words on my card, they glowed like I had selected them on a video game menu. I gave my pictograph a tap and was greeted with a sensation that I could only describe as ethereal. My whole body emanated an earthly glow and it felt as though all my nerves were being fired off simultaneously. I doubt my words could accurately describe what exactly I was experiencing but, to me, it felt as though my very DNA was being rewritten via a mystical influence. I'll build a DNA sequencer to test this theory as soon as I move out of the stables.

The glow and tingling feeling subsided, and I turned to the upbeat Thief for further instruction. She gave me an encouraging smile which soon morphed into a mischievous smirk.

"Say...how about we have ourselves a little showdown? Y'know, to keep ya on your toes and make sure you're learning."

Oh great, looks like I've met this world's equivalent to Katnappé after all. And she wants to have a showdown of all things? She couldn't have picked a different word?

"Here's the rules: I'm gonna try to trap you using my Bind skill. If you can successfully dodge my attacks and use your own Bind skill on me, you're free to swipe my magic dagger. By the way, it's worth more than 400,000 eris. Just thought I'd mention~"

Is that smug I smell? Oh, I think it is. Alrighty then, I'll show her what happens when you get smug with the one and only Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!

"However, if you get 'tongue-tied' so to speak, I get free dibs on your money. We got a deal?"

Darkness chimed in by saying, "Chris, please do not put this poor man's money on the line!"

Chris waved her friend off, "It's fine, Darkness, life's all about taking risks. How else is he gonna get accustomed to the adventurer lifestyle? It's a dog-eat-dog world out there."

Sly and knowledgeable. It's a shame she's not on my team. Oh well, thieves tend to work best when they're alone.

Chris turned back to me. "Anyway, the choice is yours. You can either accept the showdown and learn a valuable life lesson in survival of the fittest, or you can play it safe and be a killjoy. I warn you, though, I might let word slip that a guild member with the weakest job was too chicken to seek glory when the opportunity presented itself to him. That might not go over well with the seasoned veterans. Nothing personal, I'm just not a fan of stick-in-the-muds. Your call, Jackie Boy."

What!? Okay, that tears it! Nobody calls me Jackie Boy except YesBot and sometimes Mom! BUT ONLY SOMETIMES!

"GONG YI TANPAI!"

Chris stared at me for an uncomfortably long amount of time. She glanced back at Darkness looking for answers but only received a shrug in response.

"It basically means 'ready, set, go'..." I explained without any fanfare.

Chris smiled and gave a slight, albeit hesitant, nod. "Whatever you say, dude. Bind!"

Thick strands of rope suddenly shot out of her hand, slithering through the air like angry snakes. A totally masculine grunt escaped my throat as I just barely managed to twist my body out of the way.

"Hey! I wasn't ready!"

"You want some cheese with that whine?" mocked the Thief. "Bind!"

Chris kept spamming Bind as I tested the flexibility of my body at every turn. For a split second, I thought I had Vietnam flashbacks of all the times when I got tied up, whether it be by the Silk Spitter, Tangle Web Comb, or Clay's lasso. All those embarrassing moments of my life left wriggling helplessly at the hands of my enemies and allies alike. Their mocking, self-righteous, pitying eyes baring down at me as I struggled to break free…

Well not this time!

"Bind!"

Picking up one of the ropes Chris had scattered, I activated my own spell. The ropes were flying towards the Thief at a breakneck pace. Here we go, baby!

"Skill Bind!" Chris shouted.

And just like that, my ropes went limp the second she stuck her hand out. I picked up some more rope to try and use Bind with again but it was no longer working for some reason.

"Gotta hand it to ya, you did pretty well out there. Didn't think you'd last that long against me!" Chris chirped.

"What did you just do?" I grilled, although I sounded more flabbergasted than interrogative in retrospect.

Darkness was the one who answered my question, "That move she used was called 'Skill Bind'. It prevents an opponent from using their own skills for a while. You should be able to use them again in about an hour or so."

"...So you mean to tell me I risked going broke for nothing!?"

Chris walked over to me and placed her hand on my shoulder. "Think of it like this: you didn't earn my magic dagger, but you did earn my respect. Not a whole lot of newbies can say that they've impressed an experienced Thief like that. Which is why I'll let rumors spread about your accomplishment. You're welcome~"

The thieving girl gave me a pat on the back and turned to walk away. So, she knew exactly what she was doing from the very start, huh? I gotta admit, that was genius even by my standards. I should've known she wasn't willing to give up a valuable weapon that easily. I may not have a priceless magic dagger, but I did manage to impress a professional Thief; that alone should bump up my evil street cred! Looks like things are coming up Jack!

Suddenly, Darkness slid next to me and whispered, "Mr. Spicer? You might want to check your pockets."

I simply took her word for it and pulled my pant pockets inside out. Then I pulled my coat pockets inside out. Each and every one of them turned up empty…

"Where's my money pouch!?"

Chris was still a little ways away and had yet to exit the street. In one hand, I could see her bouncing a small burlap sack up and down like it was a basketball.

I think this calls for some evil justice.

Activating my HeliBot, I quickly hovered through the air to get to that conniving little sweet talker. She must've been deaf to not hear the sound of approaching propeller blades because I was able to snake my arms under her shoulders before she could react.

"Hey, wanna go skydiving?" I asked rhetorically. "No? TOO BAD, SO SAD!"

With almost no liftoff time, we were airborne. Just for the record, I've always loved how the wind rushes past my face and body. It was exhilarating, euphoric. I feel the most alive whenever I fly, and I can never get enough of it.

Can't say the same for Chris. Her shrieks of terror rivaled that of Aqua's, though they couldn't quite top Wuya's ear-splitting screams.

Once I felt we were high enough, I stopped midair and dropped some scare tactics on her pretty little head. "Alright, Chris, you ready for your first skydiving lesson!?"

"WHAT!? NO! Jack, w-what're you doing!? I thought we were friends! Please, please, please put me back on the ground – BUT DON'T DROP ME WHATEVER YOU DO!"

"Tell ya what, you can bail out of your skydiving lesson if you pay the money pouch fee."

"Okay, you've made your point already! Here, take it!" Chris tossed the money pouch upwards for my HeliBot's grabber claw to snatch.

"Thank you very much. An eris saved is an eris donated to the Spicer Foundation for World Domination®."

"Alright, I'll admit, what I did was uncool. I'm sorry. But can you lower me back down to the ground already!?"

"I don't like your attitude. Just for that, I'm bumping up the landing fee to two money pouches. Better cough up the dough or you'll be soaring with the birdies! HAH! Get it? It's like 'swimming with the fishes', except we're in the air, and that saying wouldn't make as much sense in this context…"

Despite fearing for her life high up in the sky, Chris still managed to give me a flat look.

"Anyway, uh, can you make it quick? My arms are getting kinda tired."

"Fine, take the damn money already!"

Evil justice has been officially served.

It was pandemonium at the Adventurer's Guild. After we made it back, Chris began with the crocodile tears and tried to call me out for what I did in front of everybody. Normally I'd jump at the chance to claim an evil deed that I committed, but all the death stares I was getting (mainly from the women) made me hold my tongue. Instead, I tried to pin the blame on her for attempting to make off with my frog-slaying money. After all, she started it.

I'm not too sure if my defense worked or not, but thanks to her I'm now paranoid that half of the guild is out for my blood. My own two teammates included.

Speaking of, Aqua and Megumin both expressed interest in Darkness after she flat-out demanded to be put on the team. As I quietly seated myself (doing my best to lay low for a while), Megumin reviewed Darkness's stats for the rest of us.

"Physical defense, magical defense, strength, stamina, they're almost maxed out all the way. She could easily take hits and dish 'em out like it's nothing! We'd be crazy to turn down somebody as powerful as her! Why are you so hesitant about letting her in, Jack?"

"Look, all I'm saying is that if she wants to be with us so badly, she needs to be able to pull her weight," I reasoned while nervously checking if anybody else was giving me the death stare.

Darkness tightly gripped the table and maintained steady eye contact with me. "Mr. Spicer, I assure you, I am more than capable of pulling my weight. Despite my terrible aim, I am plenty durable. Please, do not be discouraged in using me as a human meat shield. I don't mind at all, really!"

Well, if she's so damn insistent, might as well give her the full idea of what she's signing up for. Partly to see if it'll scare her away.

"Alright, listen up Darkness – and you too Megumin!" I announced. "Aqua and I are on an important mission that is not for the faint of heart. We plan on taking out the Devil King. We have our own reasons for doing so-"

Aqua cut me off, "Yeah! I'm doing it because...uh, I need to...avenge my hometown! Yeah, that's it! The Devil King's army laid waste to my village and now I wanna kick his ass for it!"

"...Right. Anyway, Darkness, if you really are dead set on joining us, will you be ready to square off against DK himself?"

I had to hold back a snort as I just realized what those initials made me think of. Now I've got the rap stuck in my head.

"I am fully aware of the risks associated with the path of a Crusader," Darkness started with passion. "For you see, becoming the Devil King's erotic plaything has been a female knight's duty since days of yore! And that alone makes it worthwhile to go!"

"Wait, what?" I blurted.

"Oh, I'm sorry, is something wrong?"

"Yeah, what was that about erotic something or other?"

"I said no such thing."

…

"Okay then..." I said, not wishing to continue this conversation any longer. "What about you, Megu-"

The kid slammed her boot on the table and posed with her cape swishing behind her like she was the next Batman. "My name is Megumin! All Archwizards will bow before the one who dethrones the Devil King, and that one shall be me! He thinks he's so superior just because he has unholy powers beyond imagination. In the name of the Crimson Demons, I shalt slay him with the strongest magic in the world!"

Nobody said anything at our table for a while. Megumin quietly sat back down and, in a smug manner, adjusted her hat over her head. I guess she thought she won?

Aqua leaned over to me and whispered nervously, "Hey, Jack? After hearing those two say all that stuff, I'm not so sure if we should do this anymore. I mean, taking on the Devil King is pretty crazy when you think about it."

"You think I don't know that?" I nervously whispered back. "But it's not like we have much of a choice. Besides you of all people should be motivated. You need to get back home to that limbo place, remember?"

Just then, the town's PA system (the only other technologically advanced thing around here besides the magic printer) announced that there was an emergency that required all adventurers to report outside of the front gates. Everyone inside the guild soon ran outside to cut through the city. I was just going through the motions by running alongside my fellow guild members. On my way to the main gates, I noticed how distressed the townsfolk seemed to be. It reminded me of how villagers used to react to Attila the Hun's presence back when I did time-travel.

Uh-oh...What if something similar was happening here and now?

All the adventurers plus some town guards blocked the front entrance of the gate and fixed their gazes on the open fields. Dark storm clouds covered the sky, though I could've sworn it was sunny not too long ago. Utilizing my new Farsight skill, I zoomed in to see what everybody else was seeing as though I were looking through a set of binoculars. A large green dust cloud was approaching fast, and it didn't show any signs of stopping.

"W-W-What is that?" I stuttered aloud. "Is this an invasion? Did the Devil King hear me trash-talking behind his back and now he's sending his army after me!?"

The large scary man with the mohawk must've overheard my mini freak-out because he said, "What are babbling about, boy? It's just harvesting season again, that's all."

"Huh? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Looks like they're especially ripe this year," said a random muscular man.

"What's ripe?"

"You said it, the cooks are gonna be ecstatic tonight," commented another muscular man.

"Why the cooks?"

"I know, they're gonna have to use a wheelbarrow to push me outta the kitchen once I'm through!" shouted yet another muscular man. What's with all the buff dudes already!?

"What the fuck is going on!?"

Thankfully, Darkness was able to shed some light on the situation (wordplay is worth its weight in gold). "You see, Jack, when the season is just right, Flying Cabbages make their migratory path through this city."

"…say what?"

Megumin struck a reserved, cinematic pose and covered part of her face with her hand. "A tempest cometh..."

The dust cloud eventually settled. Sure enough, it was a large horde of Flying Cabbages.

It's official. I've seen everything life has to offer. I can finally retire now.

"Time to bust out the mayonnaise!" Aqua cheered stupidly.

"I thought the expression was 'when pigs fly', not produce..." I muttered to myself in disbelief.

The dumb goddess standing beside me explained, "You see, Jackie, in this world vegetables are living creatures too. During harvest time, when they've reached peak flavor, they don't just sit around and wait to be eaten. They careen through the cities and meadows, across the continent and the ocean until they reach a secluded place where they eventually die without being eaten. It's such a waste! So we should catch as many as we can and turn them into delicious meals to eat!"

"I will not dignify that with a response."

"But you just did, you silly NEET you~"

"Screw off."

Luna grabbed a crude-looking megaphone as guards were setting up large cages behind her. "Get ready, everyone! Make sure to deposit the remains in the cages! These cabbages are some of the best we've had in years, so each head will be worth 10,000 eris!"

With that said, all of the adventurers charged at the horde in a unionized battle cry. Some sliced the Flying Cabbages with their swords while others sniped them from afar with arrows. There was even a girl with pink hair and matching bunny ears pummeling them with a pair of nun-chucks.

I feel like I should be more shocked at the sheer insanity of it all. But, then again, my world was also just as mad. Judging the situation here would be a real "pot calling the kettle black" moment.

The men and women were doing a decent job killing the aerial veggies, but more of them would soon come to avenge their fallen brothers. I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder, and I turned to see Darkness staring confidently at the scene in front of us.

"Allow me to show you my skills as a Crusader and prove my worth to you," she said with a determined smirk.

The questionable Crusader unsheathed her sword from its scabbard and firmly grasped it in her hands. With a war cry that made me slightly envious, Darkness charged at a small group of Flying Cabbages that had clustered together. She took a mighty swing…

…and missed by a laughable margin.

She swung her blade back around her targets and they merely hovered above it. Growling, Darkness performed an upward jump strike with her weapon, and the vegetables scattered all around her.

At this point, it seemed like they were just toying with her. The mean greens would close in on Darkness only to move away at the very last second when she sliced nothing but the air.

Frankly, it was sad to watch. Even an idiot like me with no martial arts training could probably take on airborne veggies.

A cry for help tore Darkness's attention away from her opponents as more adventurers were being overwhelmed. The Flying Cabbages dive-bombed right into the fighters at Mach speed and sent the poor suckers down for the count. All the healers were going into overdrive healing all the injured. Though for some reason, I couldn't find Aqua anywhere.

Lazy bum, can't be bothered to do her one and only job – OH CRAP THAT CABBAGE IS COMIN' RIGHT FOR ME!

Something white obstructed the view of my impending doom and let out a grunt in the process. Darkness…?

"Retreat to safety! I've got this!"

She was without her sword and blocking incoming cabbages with her forearms. Their speed and velocity nudged her in place slightly, but she otherwise remained rooted in the ground.

More and more cabbages flew into Darkness in rapid-fire succession. She continued to block until she decided to, for whatever reason, spread her arms wide like she was welcoming them into her chest.

Despite telling me to retreat, I continued to stand a few feet behind her. I don't know why, but I could not for the life of me will myself to leave Darkness behind. Maybe it was because watching her take those hits like a champ was too mesmerizing for me. Or maybe it was seeing someone willingly defend me like that struck a chord somewhere. Or maybe-

Darkness's armor began to crack from the sheer force of each impact until, eventually, it broke off completely.

My God...they're even bigger than what the breastplates lead me to believe...

Even in just her black fabric bodysuit, Darkness stood her ground in every sense of the word. Meanwhile, Flying Cabbages continued to increase the assault on her face, arms, legs, and...chest. Was it my imagination, or did they seem really eager to target that last area in particular?

The woman was panting like crazy, and I got the feeling it wasn't just from taking all those hits. The cabbages started to rip through the fabric, exposing her silky skin underneath. I sharply hissed through my teeth in embarrassment and looked away, blushing like mad.

Some of the female adventurers were urging Darkness to run away, but with her on meat shield duty, she didn't budge.

"I cannot abandon my comrades in battle – GAH~! I c-can't…I WON'T!"

With each Flying Cabbage coming into contact with Darkness, a new tear was added to her bodysuit. I also noticed that a lot of the guys in the area seemingly forgot their manners and openly ogled her. As someone who wasn't the best at picking up social cues, I could even tell they were all undressing her in their heads.

Amidst all the chaos, I distinctly heard Darkness talking to herself. "They're watching me…Routh, uncouth men are looking at my naked skin and getting aroused. It's shameful…it's filthy…it's...IT'S...GLORIOUS!"

In spite of the raging sea of hormones, it finally clicked. She was one of those masochist types, wasn't she? That would explain everything about her up until this point. Blonde, big boobs, and submissive...she was the complete package.

Megumin formed a stance and a red cipher circle summoned beneath her feet in the middle of the crowd. "Enough waiting! It is now Megumin's time to shine. I can no longer hold in the throbbing, hot desire to unleash Explosion magic on such a massive horde!"

What the hell did she just say!?

"Oh, blackness shrouded in light…

Frenzied blaze clad in night…

In the name of the Crimson Demons, let the collapse of thine origin manifest.

Summon before me the root of thy power hidden within the lands of the kingdom of ash!

EX-PLOOOOOOO-SION!"

Megumin pointed her staff in the middle of the cabbage horde and more magic rings hovered over that spot. Adventurers that were nearby scattered when the rings were summoned into existence. They unleashed the Explosion, and most of the unfortunate vegetables fried to death.

However, the blast radius continued to expand to where Darkness and I were standing.

I covered my eyes and booked it out of there, leaving the blonde Crusader to scream into the whirlwind of flames...

Night fell on Axel, and every adventurer was back at the guild celebrating the successful harvest. Although, I'm not sure if "successful" is what I would use to describe it. Eh, at least I got paid for it.

Everybody was scarfing down on some stir-fried cabbage and chatting it up with their respective party members. As for mine…well, they were eating in peace, thankfully.

Megumin had fully restored her mana from earlier and Darkness had already put back on her armor, now cracked and charred in some places. I'm surprised there was even anything left of it after the blast. Although, I think I should be more surprised that there was even anything left of the person wearing the armor.

Either way, I was busy wolfing down my meal as if I hadn't eaten anything in days, much like Megumin.

"Y'know, I normally hate eating greens, but those chefs really outdid themselves with this stir-fried cabbage," I mumbled in between bites. "Tastes amazing."

"Heh, weeeell, you can thank your benevolent goddess for washing them beforehand with her purified water~" Aqua drawled out pretentiously.

"I believe I aided in the cooking process with my Explosion magic, thank you," Megumin added, her mouth full as well. The small mage swallowed her latest bite and turned to the quiet older woman eating peacefully. "I gotta say, you were really something out there, Darkness. I've never seen anything that could survive a blast from my Explosion! Even without your armor, you're tough as nails!"

Darkness dropped the fork she was guiding into her mouth onto her plate in surprise at the Megumin's words. She smiled meekly as she said, "Oh, uh, why thank you! I'm just built solidly is all. Besides, if anybody is to be praised for this year's harvest, it should be Jack."

I was so unprepared for a genuine compliment from an attractive older woman, I did an involuntary spit take on the ground. She caught me drinking water, okay?

"Wait…really?" I asked incredulously.

Aqua scooted closer and playfully poked my cheek. "Duh, really! Using your new Lurk skill while stabbing those cabbages in the back was quick thinking. You were like some kind of cabbage ninja out there!" She then jokingly pretended to tap my shoulders with an imaginary sword. "Jack Spicer, In the name of myself, I hereby dub thee, 'Cabbage Ninja'."

"Huh. 'Jack Spicer, Cabbage Ninja', eh? Hmm...kinda has a ring to it."

Megumin took my musings as an opportunity to add her two cents on the matter. "Don't forget about the part where he flew around to capture the fleeing cabbages using that device on his back! I had no idea you were in possession of a magical levitation item this whole time! Where did you obtain a Divine Treasure like that?"

"You mean my HeliBot? My Granny gave it to me as a gift on my seventh birthday. Also, it's not a magical item or a divine relic, it's an advanced piece of tech. But thanks for the compliment anyway."

Darkness stood up straight and proceeded to speak loud and proud, much like how we first met. "Yes, well, now you all know what I am capable of, both as a Crusader and ally. So once again: I am Darkness! Even though I wield a two-handed sword, please do not expect too much of me. I am far too clumsy, and my attacks rarely hit their mark. However, I make for an impenetrable wall as well as a trusted friend!"

A paladin who can't hit worth a damn but has god-like toughness. I suppose I can make her work somehow. A true genius knows how to set up his henchmen tactfully by playing into their strengths and balancing out their weaknesses. Consider this a challenge to my strategic mind.

That being said, Darkness signaled me out by facing me directly. "Well, Jack, now that we are allies, do not hesitate to use me as your shield. Should I fail to live up to my duties, feel free to reprimand me harshly; abandon me to the clutches of your enemies if you wish. I-I would not mind their clutches at all…hah~"

I can't decide whether I find her masochism borderline scary or pleasing. Still…not only was she the first person who willingly wanted to hang out with me, but she was also the first to actually be happy about it. I'm not saying she's interested in me though; I'd probably have to force her at gunpoint for that to happen. And even then, something tells me most people in that situation would rather kiss the bullet than me.

"Good sir, I look forward to working for you," She said sincerely after holding out her hand. After a second that felt like an eternity, I silently shook it. Her hand had a surprisingly soft, yet strong grip to it. My constantly calculating brain ran a mile a minute, even after the handshake was over.

"Our party is turning out to have quite the impressive roster, don't ya think?" Aqua said to me. "First, we have me, an Archpriest. Then Megumin, an Archwizard. And now Darkness, a Crusader! There aren't many parties where three out of the four members are advanced classes!"

I couldn't be bothered to figure out if Aqua was throwing shade at me or just being herself. I resigned to nodding and doodling on a napkin while the girls talked amongst themselves.

I imagine if Wuya were here to see my latest army of evil, she'd probably say something to downplay my efforts, like the bitch she is...

No, forget about that old hag. She's yesterday's news. Same goes for Chase, Hannibal, and the Xiaolin Losers. This is a new frontier, with no one from my past to get in my way or put me down with their words. I'm my own villain now! I repeated that over and over in my head until I was certain my self-esteem had gained a level up from grinding...

...I should slap myself for that low-grade joke.

"By the way Jack, I don't think you ever told us why you want to kill the Devil King," Megumin said unprompted.

"You know, I happen to be curious about that. Care to tell us, if you'd like?" Darkness asked politely.

"Yeah, spill the beans, my guy! What's your motive in all this?" Aqua demanded as she and the others leaned in with intrigue all over their faces.

I know what I said before about dropping partnerships with other humans who can and will hurt me, but…fuck it. One more chance, and that'll be it. Besides, they're willing to hear me out. Who am I to disappoint eager fans?

I calmly stood up and answered with all the suave in the world, "Well, my reason is quite simple, really. Word on the street is that I get a free wish out of slaying the Devil King, and if there's one thing at the top of my wish list, it's WD. I ain't talking Wrestling & Doritos, I'm talking World Domination! Imagine, if you will, this bowl of cabbage stir fry is the planet and my fork here is my evil federation's flag…"

Violently, I plunged my fork deep into the bowl of veggies like how I stabbed the Giant Toads. I had taken the liberty of doodling my skull insignia on a napkin and tying it to the handle of the fork to make it look like a miniature flag. It stood upright, tall and proud as it was planted into the leafy earth. I envisioned the little setup as though I had just conquered one large continent. It was only a matter of time before I got to do the real thing.

"See that? That right there is the big picture I'm reaching towards. And with the help of you lovely ladies, we can make this dream a reality! Together, world domination…IS OURS!"

After letting out my trademark evil laugh, I opened my eyes to careful scan their reactions.