Despite the upbeat and blissfully ignorant atmosphere inside the guild, the silence from the three girls in front of me was deafening. If it weren't for the fact they were still breathing and darting their eyes between each other, I would've assumed they'd spontaneously died while sitting up.

…

Okay, now the mood's getting awkward. What did I do wrong? I got through all of my main points, I used proper diction, and I didn't go off on too many tangents. I even topped it off with my trademark evil laugh for badness' sake! So why aren't they saying anything!?

I'll admit, my monologue was a little on the short side compared to all of my previous ones, but that shouldn't be the problem here. I poured my wretched heart and soul into that delivery, shouldn't that be obvious to them? Unless...Oh, please don't tell me they still don't believe me! I can somewhat (though not really) understand why Aqua and Megumin wouldn't buy it, but Darkness is a holy Crusader! She of all people should take me as a legitimate threat to her country!

Wait, no, that's not what I want at all.

Actually, come to think of it...what if they really do believe me and they're planning to ambush me right over the table!? Aw crap, I didn't think of that! Why do I always Jack things up way too soon!?

"Heck yeah! Sounds like a plan, Jack!"

Aqua got up from her seat and stood beside me, looking more pumped than I had ever seen her before. "I should've known you meant business since the day I met you. But your speech! Your inspiring speech has moved my heart to tears…! You can sign me up, 'cause we're in this together, buddy! Partners for life!"

Aqua? Was that really you…?

I suddenly heard the distinctive sound of a cape swishing dramatically in the wind. Since I didn't pack my evil cape reserved for special occasions, that can only be the work of -

"I, Megumin, certified genius of the Crimson Demons, recognize your passion for all things evil and cruel! Just by listening to your words alone, I can tell that you are one who takes nothing from nobody! You may not be a Crimson Demon in blood, but you certainly are one in spirit!"

"M-Megumin…?" I questioned out loud. "You too?"

My new favorite pyromaniac pointed her staff in my face. Her freaky, hellish eyes lit up while that iconic smug smirk of hers was back in action. At this rate, I'll have to call her "Smugumin" if she keeps that up.

"HOWEVER! I'll be damned if I'm going to let you make that wish all on your own. If anybody's going to take over the world and become the next Devil King, it's going to be ME!"

Oh. Well then. Looks like I've earned myself yet another "taking-over-the-world rival". Progress I guess?

Well, either way, if Aqua and Megumin are on board, then all that leaves is -

With very little warning, Darkness arched her back and made a noise that could put any hentai voice actress to shame. Once she was done with…that, she looked back at me with lazy eyes and a completely flushed face.

God, I know I never believed in you, but please have mercy on my virgin soul.

"Y-YOU…you…you detestable creature!" she slurred. "Tricking three young girls into becoming your submissive minions for global tyranny. I cannot believe it...So evil! So sickening!"

Now that I'm fully aware of her masochism, I'm not really sure what to make of her reaction. I stole a quick glance at Aqua, who happily poured herself a glass of water using Nature's Beauty. Megumin seemed to be the only one who wasn't oblivious to Darkness's behavior, but I guess she wanted to be polite because she didn't make any remarks.

Regardless of how everyone felt around her, the perv carried on, speaking more to herself than anyone else.

"You knew joining this fiend's party was for the greater good, Darkness. Perhaps you can still save these two maidens from the clutches of his pale, grimy, gargantuan hands..."

"Hey, I heard that!" I barked. "My hands may be pale and the size of baseball gloves, but they are not grimy! …Are they?"

Ignoring my outcry, Darkness looked at me and declared, "Spicer! I will remain by your side in the hopes that you may have a change of heart! Or, at the very least, release these girls from your wicked clutches! Do what you must to me: berate me, abuse me, convert me into a braindead sex doll for you to live out your twisted fantasies - I shall endure it all! You may break me physically, but you will never break my spirit…"

"Seriously, are my hands really that grimy…?"

After closely inspecting my hands, I pocketed my gloves and surveyed the newest recruits to my Army of Evil. I'll admit, the whole setup I had going on here was extremely surreal for me. An ex-goddess, a magical child prodigy, and a holy Crusader all backing up my evil ideology when the former two didn't buy it at first and the latter was supposed to be against it? Talk about crazy! And the fact that two-thirds of the girls (Megumin doesn't count since she's too young) are absolutely bangin' is like icing on the cake.

Devil's Food Cake to be exact. You can't get eviler than that.

"Awww, you guys...You just...I just..." I paused to sniffle, my emotions getting the better of me. "Hearing you all say that brings a tear to this villain's albino eye. Tell ya what, lemme go wash my hands real quick, and when I come back we can discuss how we want to divide the world into an evil federation. As a team. Be right back!"

With that, I made a mad dash to the bathroom, dodging patrons and nearly bumping into a waitress or two along the way. Once inside, I shut the door behind me with my back and leaned against it to catch my breath. Even with all of the combat experience I've gained from fighting in Showdowns, I was still kinda out of shape. Maybe Wuya actually had a point for once...

Regardless, I shuffled over to the nearest sink and turned on the faucet. At least this world's humans were smart enough to invent running water along with a basic sewer system.

"Man, I must really have a way with words if I was able to convince two skeptics and a Crusader. Kudos to YesBot for helping me overcome my stage fright way back when; I'm pretty sure I would've clammed up in front of all those pretty girls. But you can always overcome stage fright so long as you're passionate about what you're saying, and nothing gets me more fired up than my favorite pastime: plotting for word domination, baby!"

Suddenly, a voice spooked me from my rant. "Do you always talk like a crazy person to yourself?"

I turned to see the tracksuit-wearing Japanese kid, Satou, washing his own hands a few sinks away. Or should I refer to him as Kazuma? Everyone else seems to call him that and he did mention that was his first name to Aqua. But then why did he introduce himself with his last name first? Was that some kind of Japanese thing? Either way, it sure makes figuring out what to call him confusing...

"For your information, 'Green Bean', I had to find some kind of outlet to entertain myself as an only child. Speaking my thoughts out loud was just a natural side-effect of that." I waved him off. "Ah, whatever, you wouldn't get it."

"…I beg to differ…"

"Huh?"

Kazuma shook his head. "Nothing. Look, let's change the subject. I overheard all that bullshit you were spitting at your party before I came in here to take a leak. They didn't believe a word you said. Neither do I for that matter."

"HAH! Yeah right! You heard them yourself, they're all on board! You're just jealous that Mr. Up-And-Coming King of the World over here has been getting quite the attention from the opposite sex. Chicks dig bad boys, and I'm good at being bad, baby!"

I took notice of Kazuma's twitching eye as we were drying our hands off at the towel rack. Must've gotten soap in it. Good. That's what he gets for trying to start beef with Evil Teen Genius, Jack Spicer!

"As much as I can't stand you raging narcissists, at least you're taking the attention off of me and Yunyun. But that still doesn't change the fact those girls were faking their enthusiasm. Probably because they think you're a lunatic, much like the rest of the guild. I thought everyone here was just being judgmental assholes, but now I can see the rabbit hole goes deeper than that."

I was about to make a hot retort, but Kazuma cut me off. "I don't necessarily like you, but as a word of caution, make sure you think before you speak. The law here isn't nearly as overbearing as it is on Earth. That tongue of yours could get yourself killed if you piss off the wrong guy…assuming they can take you seriously, anyway. For what it's worth, take care."

And just like that, Kazuma left the bathroom before I could get a word in edgewise.

"…What's his problem!? Is he implying I can't be cool, calm, and collected? He doesn't know me! I can be cool, calm, and collected whenever I want! I'm gonna find that punk and show it to him right in the kisser!"

I power-walked out of the bathroom and scanned the dining hall to locate that tracksuit-wearing mouth breather so I could give him a piece of my superior mind.

But it wasn't until I passed by a row of support columns when...it happened.

"Now do you see what I was talking about when I warned you about my nutty party member?"

When I heard Aqua's voice say that about me, I felt my stomach drop like I was going down on a rollercoaster, only there was no amusement to go along with it.

I heard those damning words from behind the pole where I was standing. Even with all the ruckus of adventurers loudly eating and drinking, I could still make out my own team talking about me with crystal clarity.

"Yeah, although I'm not sure if I wanna jump aboard the 'he's crazy' idea so soon," I overheard Megumin say. "We all saw Jack's intelligence stat, the dude's a brilliant scholar. But I can definitely see him being a long-lost member of my tribe. He's got all the qualities of a Crimson Demon fresh off the academy, right down to the claim to villainy! I'll admit, though, when I said I was going to become the Devil King first, I may have just been goofing. I'm honestly more interested in wiping the Devil King out with Explosion Magic to prove a point to the rest of the world. Ruling with an iron fist doesn't actually interest me. Not anymore, anyway."

"Well, I agree with Aqua; something about his way of thinking seems a tad off," Darkness added. "While I personally have no qualms with participating in his sadistic games, there is a fine line between consensual play and truly malicious intent. I'll continue to play along and keep a watchful eye just to make sure he doesn't start any trouble…n-not that I mind taking on the burden of being his personal punching bag o-or anything..."

Aqua spoke once again, "Good thinking, Darkness! For now, let's all keep going through with my plan of playing pretend with him. Remember, no matter how absurd, smile and nod. Got it?"

The rest of their conversation was drowned out by the ringing in my ears, along with the rest of the guild.

They were faking it? Like Kazuma said they were?

No. No. Nonono, that's not right, it can't be right! I thought they would be different, that they'd at least respect my decision! But no, they don't believe me, the guild doesn't believe me – nobody in this goddamn multiverse believes in me!

Oh God…it's Second Grade all over again...

Get a hold of yourself, Jack, you can't lose it now! It hasn't been a month yet and already you're freaking out more than ever! I need to calm down. Do the breathing exercises like YesBot taught me…yeah, okay, that's a little better. I still feel naked and alone without my robots' company, but at least I don't feel like I'm gonna puke anymore.

Now, if I want to defeat the Devil King and his army, I need to get my shit together. Future global dictators do not get anxiety attacks. They're way too stoic for that.

You know what, Aqua? Megumin? Darkness? Fine. Think whatever the hell you want to think. Go ahead and humor the weird albino kid like he's none the wiser. I'll just use your own medicine against you and pretend like you actually agree with me. But when that fateful day comes when I overthrow the Devil King at his castle and wish to take over the world, you'll get your wake-up call.

Trust me, it's a promise...

The next day came out of nowhere for me, and I found myself back in the Adventurer's Guild, this time at the ungodly hour of 9 A.M. The girls roped me into coming here with them so they could run off to do some errands, leaving me to sit at an empty table all by myself with nothing to do. For you see, dear future minions, getting forcibly dragged here means less time that could be spent building murder robots. That, in turn, leads to me being BORED OUT OF MY DEMENTED SKULL!

Just to keep my genius mind from turning into mush from the lack of stimulation, I skimmed through some of the "updates" I had gotten on my Adventurer Card from yesterday's cabbage harvest. Surprise, surprise, I had shot up to Level 8 without even noticing. That puts me at least two Levels ahead of the curve, which was exactly the kind of forward-thinking I needed to help me get through the rest of the morning.

I was also taking a look at a comprehensive list of some of the more specialized classes for when I eventually jump ship from the generic "Adventurer" class. All the guilds in this kingdom issue these pamphlets out to aspiring newbies to look through. And after just a first glance, I gotta say, there was definitely a lot of cool and badass classes to choose from! The only major drawback was that they were all locked under certain Level requirements. The lowest requirements I've seen so far were in the mid-to-high-20s. In other words, unfair.

But on the dark side (the bad guy equivalent to the bright side), one of the classes that caught my eye was on the low end of the spectrum, only requiring the user to be at least Level 24. It was actually a subclass of Blacksmith affectionately referred to as "Battlesmith". This is what the pamphlet had to say about it:

A battle-ready variant of the local market Blacksmith, this intermediate class grants the same upper body strength as a Blacksmith but with all the swiftness of a Thief. Any homemade objects crafted will be magically endowed with twice the strength and durability for double efficiency out on the battlefield.

I don't know about you, but I think I may have found my dream job! It's everything I've ever wanted and maybe just a little bit more. Where has this class been all my life?

Sadly, it's gonna take a fuckton of grinding and leveling up to achieve the rank of Battlesmith. So, for the time being, I'm stuck as your bog-standard, run-of-the-mill Adventurer with very little in the way of survival skills. But that last part is about to change because I just so happen to earn enough skill points to learn a basic magic skill that should be useful for when I'm out in the great unknown.

I selected the skill I wanted and once again felt my genetic code being rewritten by forces I couldn't even dream of. After the feeling faded, I placed an empty glass cup in front of me. Opening the palm of my hand over the glass, I readied myself for…something.

"Uh...Create…Water?"

The simple chant was all that was needed for clean water to magically to pour out of my hand and into the cup (without spilling a single drop no less).

I'll admit, I'm still coming to grips with the fact that I can just casually perform magic all by myself, no Chinese artifacts involved. Funnily enough, I don't feel the same way towards my cheat skill, Sandbox Mode. I'm not really sure why exactly. It just feels more video game-y than magic-y if that makes any sense. Plus, the actual process of constructing robots is still very much grounded in scientific reality, so maybe that's why.

Come to think of it, the whole mana thing raises some serious questions. Did I always have a set amount of mana dormant in my system? If not, do non-magical humans like myself gain mana when entering this world?

Eh, future food for thought. Until then, I will drink my hand water in victory.

"Omi thinks he's all that just 'cuz he spent years training to manipulate H2O," I said to myself after a big gulp. "Well guess what, Cheeseball? Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius, learned how to do it in under a minute! The only other skills I need now are Tinder, Create Earth, and Wind Breath. Then I can have all the Xiaolin Losers' elemental powers and truly become a Jack of all trades! HAHAHA - wait, did I make that joke already?"

Before I could think my joke over, I was interrupted by the latest addition to the team. She approached me with glee in her eyes and sparkles in her armor.

"Jack, look! I had my armor repaired with the bounty I received from the cabbage harvest!" Darkness beamed. "Does it not look positively brilliant?"

Alright, Jack, a hot girl is fishing for a compliment and that's where you come in. First thing that comes to mind. GO!

"Looks the same to me."

Smooth, Romeo, smooth. I really do need to think before I speak...

"Oh honestly! Would it kill you to pay a lady a compliment every now and again?" Darkness huffed. Her visible frustration didn't last long, however, and she started to do that masochism thing again. "Heh, hehe. You're so blunt...you show me no mercy with your words alone~"

"I, uh…"

I violently shook my head to dispel certain thoughts from running rampant in my brain. "Please dial back on the suggestive comments. Megumin over there is already making enough innuendos without you."

The young teenager I was referring to was practically molesting her own staff. She had gone ahead and used her share of the earnings to upgrade it with something called a Manatite crystal. From what I hear, it acts as a sort of lightning rod for a person's mana reserves and amplifies it. It replaced the blue orb she had previously.

Anyway, Megumin was busy mumbling to herself about how her staff was just "throbbing" with power. It was suggestive with or without context.

"THAT'S ALL!? What're ya tryin' to pull here!? I caught a ton of cabbages and that's all you're offering!?"

A particular water goddess incognito was grabbing an innocent Luna by the collar and shaking her about like a stuffed animal. The receptionist, meanwhile, was doing her best to calmly defuse the situation.

"Umm, well, actually, regarding your haul from the harvest…"

"Go on…" Aqua goaded.

"I'm afraid most of what you caught consisted primarily of lettuce."

"You mean some of those Flying Cabbages were actually Flying Lettuce!? Are you kidding me!?"

I had to plug my ears to tune out the banshee that was my party member. Darkness even went as far as to gently pat my shoulder as a way of letting me know she felt for me. She was still staring at Aqua, so thankfully my blush went unnoticed.

I didn't have to cover my ears for long, though, because Aqua suddenly stopped screaming. She must've finally settled things down with the receptionist. Hallelujah, it's an early Christmas miracle! Now I can kick my feet up, close my eyes, and bask in the peace and quiet...

"Oh, Jack-Jack~!"

Dang it, Aqua, cockroaches are easier to get rid of than you.

I cracked an eye open to find Aqua standing very close beside me with a wide smile stretched over her checks. "So, exactly how much did you get from the cabbage harvest? Do tell, I'm very curious!"

"Hmm? A little over 100,000 eris. I would've earned more if those little pests weren't so slippery. Why do you ask?"

Aqua giggled, "Y'know, Jack-Jack, I've been meaning to tell you for a while now, but I think you're really…cool! Yeah, that's the word!"

"Oh, insincere flattery? Now we're in business! Keep going."

I could've sworn I heard the other two girls mutter something under their breaths, but there was no way I was gonna let this opportunity go to waste. Now if only I could record Aqua's voice and have her very own words play over the PA speakers in an endless loop. Then I'd be complete.

"Are you for real…?" Aqua asked before getting back into character. "Err, I mean, yeah! Not only are you cool, but you're also stylish, Spicer-sama! I'm sorta/kinda/not really surprised that the ladies from your hometown weren't dropping by your doorstep every day. You're such a genius-"

I cut her off, "Ah, bup-bup. What kind of genius?"

Aqua paused for a moment before playfully batting her head. "Oh, sorry, evil genius! Silly me! Sooooo...because you're such an amazingly talented individual, do ya think you could maybe loan me a little bit of money…?"

"Ah, I see now, you want a piece of my pie. Hmmm…Tell ya what, since you're really good at buttering me up, I'll spot you just this once. How much do you need? 100 eris? 1,000 eris?"

"More like 100,000 eris."

In shock, I waved my arms in a last-ditch effort to prevent myself from falling flat on my back. It didn't work.

After popping my sore back, I gave the brainless blue twit the most, "Are you freaking kidding me?" expression I could make. Just to get it through to that thick skull of hers that she was out of her mind.

"That's nearly my entire bounty! What, do you think I'm made out of money, woman!? Forget it, outta the question."

Faster than I could blink, Aqua flopped onto the table kicking and crying, almost making me fall backwards for a second time. "Oh PLEASE let me borrow your money, Spicer-sama! Please, please, PLEEEEEASE!"

"Give me one decent reason as to why I should lend you even a cent of my hard-earned cash," I calmly argued back. "And while you're at it, let go of my trench coat! This is my only one and I don't want you to stain it with your tears."

Aqua responded with, "IthoughtI'dgetabiggerrewardonourquestbutIdidn'tandIowethesetwoscaryguysmoneyandIdon'tknowwhattodoIthoughtI'dberichbynowsoIrackedupabartabof100,000erisandnowIhavetopayup!"

I think I'm starting to see now why people have a hard time following along whenever I speak. Hell, even I don't know what I'm trying to say half the time. Sometimes my brain moves faster than my mouth, y'know?

Still, given Aqua's rampant alcoholism, I can safely assume she owes the bar tab money. But 100,000 eris? Really!? This girl needed professional help...

"Look, I have no idea how you haven't died of alcohol poisoning yet, but this is still your mess of a problem!" I insisted while prying her hands off my coat. "While you waste your money away on boozed, I'm gonna see if I can't invest into renting an apartment. I don't know about you, but I'm getting pretty sick of sleeping on Old MacDonald's farm every single night! I need my personal space."

I half-expected Aqua to simply give up or continue bawling some more, but that deceptive blue-haired vixen had a trick up her detached sleeve. Still situated on top of the table, she crawled on all fours and wiggled her holy round ass in the air, making the small part of my caveman brain go unga bunga.

"Well, you are a teen genius, after all," teased the goddess. "And every adolescent should have a place of their own. Especially considering that one night I heard you rustling around next to me, breathing heavy moaning sounds like you had a tummy ache-"

I frantically slapped my hand over her mouth before she could get another peep in. "Take the money but please, for the love of evil, PUT A SOCK IN IT!"

Anxiously looking over to my other two teammates, I saw Megumin and Darkness staring at us with confused looks. My grin could not have been any more forced.

After begrudgingly forking over all of my profits to that spoiled brat, Aqua had the audacity to suggest shopping for some new clothes fitting of an Adventurer. Her reasoning (if you could even call it that) was that my emo/goth/punk fashion was clashing with the Fantasy World's aesthetic. And she said that to me as if she didn't just rob me blind a couple minutes ago!

I had to stubbornly remind her that, on top of wanting people to easily recognize their supreme overlord, she wasn't my mom and she couldn't tell me what to do. After explaining this to her, Aqua flipped her hair like a self-entitled popular high school girl and dropped the conversation, saying it would be a "hopeless endeavor to change my childish mind".

She's a hopeless endeavor...

Whatever, that's neither here nor there. Because now that I have a full party of evildoers-in-training, today will mark the true start to my rise to power!

I stood proudly in front of my...fourteenth(?) evil team once Aqua's little debacle was settled. "Alright, gang, we get to pick our very first quest to do together. You in?"

Megumin was the first to voice in her answer. "Yes, we should pick a quest with lots of small-fry monsters so I can test out my gorgeous new staff!"

Darkness brandished her sword and panted like an excited dog. "No, wait! We should go after strong monsters; oh yes, massive and brutal!"

Aqua raised her fist sky-high as she declared, "No, we should all go on a quest with a huge payout, regardless of the subject matter! I need me a decent meal!"

Maybe I should've held a screening process before agreeing to let them stay.

Whatever, the four of us carefully examined the quest board together. Darkness pointed at one blemished with danger stamps. "Jack, look! A quest that requires us to slay a vicious nocturnal creature called 'The Black Fang'! It looks extremely dangerous, let's accept it!"

"Absolutely. NOT! I happen to like living, thank you very much."

Megumin spoke up, "How about this one: 'Fire Resistant Bees have made nests in Axel's farmhouses. Destroy the bees and their nests without causing property damage'."

"You only know one spell and it's a fire-based attack that obliterates everything that isn't fire-resistant. I want you to let that sink in..."

I inspected the board thrice over before sighing in defeat, "Well, we could always kill some more Giant Toads for a quick cash grab?"

"NO! NO TOADS!"

Megumin hid her head under her hat while Aqua got into the fetal position on the floor, mumbling sweet nothings to herself to make her happy. Darkness was the only one left out of the loop and seemed confused by their reactions. "Are they alright?"

"Remember when we first met and I told you we just got back from a toad quest?" I said. "Well, I think they're suffering from PTSD because of it. We were all eaten alive and I had to cut myself out and free those two. And we were covered head-to-toe in this rancid gunk..."

Unwittingly, my description of the events only added fuel to the sexual fire that was Darkness, and her eyes widened in excitement.

"Rancid gunk!? I fail to see the problem here!"

"Why, because it would've gotten you riled up?"

"N-No, you're wrong..."

"Uh-huh, sure."

I let my eyes travel back to the board while the blonde Crusader stammered in defiance. After scanning it over and over and over again, I growled in annoyance. "All that's left are quests meant for high-leveled experts! What gives!? I thought this was rookie town!"

My frustrated cries must've caught the attention of Luna, for she cautiously approached us while audibly clearing her throat.

"I couldn't help overhear your displeasure with today's selection of quests. I regret to inform you that the reason for our lack of novice quests is because one of the Devil King's generals has moved into a nearby forest recently. As such, all low-leveled monsters have vacated the area. Until we receive assistance from the Belzerg Capital Knight Corps, there will only be expert quests available until further notice. Again, I am deeply sorry for the inconvenience."

Luna meekly bowed as though we were supposed to accept her weak-sauce apology. The receptionist quietly shuffled away, leaving us to mull her words over.

"Just when I thought my luck was getting better too…"

With adventuring off the table, Jack Spicer's Evil Posse agreed to temporarily split apart to do their own things for a little while. For Darkness, that was returning home to keep up with her weight training exercises. Dunno why she couldn't just do those here but whatever. See her when she gets back I guess.

Aqua hatched a creative idea for once inside that empty noodle she called a head: open up a stand to sell her produce along with some arts and crafts so we don't go broke. Don't tell her I said this (because she'll never let me hear the end of it) but I was secretly grateful for her providing us with a steady source of income until we could go questing again.

As for Megumin, it only made sense that she would practice her Explosion Magic. But given that she needed someone to carry her back to town, the li'l munchkin dragged me along for the ride. Against my will I might add.

That's why on this "fine" sunny day when I could've been cooped up indoors building my trusty JackBots, I was instead begrudgingly tagging alongside Megumin through the woods, trying to stay in the shade. I didn't say a word since we began our trek, but I made damn sure to let her know that I was anything but happy to be here.

I guess Megumin had had enough of my silent protesting because she suddenly snapped, "If I knew you were gonna act like a stubborn brat, I would've asked Yunyun to come along with me instead!"

"But I'm older than you by like four years."

"Yeah? Then you sure have a funny way of showing your age..."

Told down by a thirteen-year-old. Not my finest moment.

I dropped the mean look and sighed tiredly. "I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just don't like going outside when I don't have to."

"I think getting some sunlight will do your body good. You could seriously go for a tan, dude."

"But that's the thing: sunlight will actually cause my body more harm than good."

Megumin shot me an curious look. "What do you mean?"

"You can see I'm albino, right? Pale skin, red eyes, the works?"

She nodded.

"Right, well, that's not normal for the human body. There's a naturally occurring pigment in our bodies called melanin that's mainly responsible for producing skin, eye, and hair color. Not only that, but it's also responsible for blocking most forms of ultraviolet radiation from the sun, as well as preventing light reflection in the eyes. We albinos have little to no melanin in our bodies. As a result, my eyes are highly photosensitive, and I'm more prone to getting a sunburn at best or skin cancer at worst."

Despite my use of scientific jargon, the rural child wizard was surprisingly intelligent enough to process my explanation. Because she freaked out on me in less than a minute.

"Oh shit - really!? I should be the one apologizing then, not you! I didn't realize it was that serious..."

"Relax, short stuff, I've figured out how to combat this for years now. Whenever I do have to go outside, like today, I make sure to put on contact lenses and wear dark clothes that cover most of my skin. That's why I'm wearing a stuffy trench coat in late August. And thankfully, a merchant in the market square sells this gunk that supposedly repels harmful sun rays. It seems to be working for me so far, I've had no ill side-effects since applying it on my face."

Megumin breathed a sigh of relief and resumed her walking. "Thank the gods. Sorry about your condition, by the way. Sounds like a real burden. Had I known beforehand, I probably wouldn't have asked you to come with."

"Eh, water off a duck's back. Besides, I'm mainly upset because I'd rather be working on something else right now, that's all."

"…That's all?" She questioned weirdly. "You sure it has nothing to do with Darkness leaving town for a few days?"

I almost tripped on my own two feet. Slowly, I turned my head to face Megumin, who was still facing me. We competed in a silent staring contest for a few seconds before I worked up the nerve to say something.

"W-What, uh, what makes you say that?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. You seemed kinda depressed when she announced she was heading home for a while. Your mouth twitched a little and your eyes looked a little watery."

Shit, shit, SHIT! I thought I was getting better with my poker face, but it looks this kid is more observant than I thought! Granted, she did have a decently high intelligence stat on her card. Not nearly as high as mine, of course, but still enough to-

FOCUS, MAN, FOCUS! Just casually make up an excuse for it, all evildoers are masters at lying. We basically invented the concept!

Summoning whatever scrap of courage I had left, I looked Megumin square in the eyes and said, "It's summertime. I occasionally break out with hay fever during this season."

It was always best to sprinkle in some truth with your lies to make them more believable. Still, I felt my heart pump like I had downed three cans of energy drink, which I sometimes do when working on late-night projects in the lab.

Just when I thought my mask was about to crack, Megumin shrugged and continued walking on ahead. "Fair enough. Make sure you go visit the local alchemist for that, okay? I think he can brew some allergy inhibiting potions for you."

I hummed before crawling back into the recesses of my mind. I'm not exactly sure if she bought it or not, but I'm gonna make a mental note to be more careful about what I do around this girl next time.

"Aha, perfect!"

Megumin snapped me out of my thoughts when she shouted and stuck her staff out in front of me like a railroad guard...if only I hadn't run right into the damn thing.

After rubbing my abdomen, I used my Farsight skill to focus on what she was staring at off in the distance. I spied with my wicked eye a rickety old castle perched atop a cliff overlooking the horizon. Perfect estate for any self-respecting vampire I'd imagine. Not really my taste, but to each their own.

Megumin pointed at the structure and stated, "That abandoned castle is what I shall use as a target for my Explosions. It's also far away from town, so I shouldn't get a noise complaint from the guards again."

I did a double take. "Again? What do you mean again?"

She stuttered, "W-Well I had to use my Explosion Magic somewhere, so I...fired upon the open plains just outside of town..."

"...Wow. Everything has to be 100 with you, huh?"

"Hey, don't you judge me! I have to use my favorite spell once a day else I'll die!"

"Alright, alright, jeez. I get it, this is Burger King, have it your way. Just do what you gotta do and let's bail."

Planting her feet on the earth, Megumin aimed her staff at the castle, and the wind in the surrounding area began to swarm inside the young teenager's red Manatite crystal in the form of space. The infamous red cipher circle materialized underneath her feet as she started up another one of her chants.

"Crimson-black blaze, king of myriad worlds,

though I promulgate the laws of nature,

I am the alias of destruction incarnate!

In accordance with the principles of all creation,

let the hammer of eternity descend unto me...

Burn to ashes within the crimson!

EX-PLOOOOOOO-SION!"

With the otherworldly rings lining up in front of the staff's tip, a column of fire burst forth, whipping past the trees. When it touched the castle, it blew up in a fireball and sent shockwaves vibrating through the air. Once again, I was left floored at the light show.

Speaking of floors, that's where the little Archwizard was on right now. I took the hint to pick her up and carried her back home.

That was how my new daily morning routine began. Megumin and I would go into the forest once a day so she could cast Explosion on the old, abandoned castle. With each passing day, I found myself getting more and more hyped to go. It even got to the point where I would wake the kid up in her little tent outside the town walls at dick o'clock in the morning just to get an early head start.

But it didn't end there, oh no. I also learned to appreciate the fine art of explosions in general. I used to take them for granted whenever I employed missiles and bombs into my machines' arsenal, but now I see the light. I began to judge her explosions more objectively, like an art snob, and soon Megumin did everything in her power to really knock my socks off.

It didn't matter if it were sunny, rainy, or cloudy, we'd always make sure to take time out of our busy schedules to meet up at the castle.

Incredibly, the building still managed to stand after all the abuse taken out on it. That changed when Megumin managed to blast a large gaping hole in one of its walls, crumbling a turret down to the ground. I remember skipping for joy and congratulating the archaic pyromaniac.

I made a promise to her that day: if I ever decided to splurge some extra skill points into Explosion magic, I would come straight to her for it.

Not since letting her join my team had I ever seen Megumin beam with such happiness before.

Even I – with my greedy black heart – couldn't help but feel warm inside when she smiled like that.

I had just finished my third JackBot and stored it away in a spare stable along with the others. Keeping them in the stable Aqua and I slept in was crowding the already small space. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies, but getting sandwiched in between them all wasn't worth it. Fuck claustrophobia, man.

Anyway, I was becoming more and more adept at using my cheating powers: it was becoming easier to use, consumed slightly less mana, and materials were spawning at a considerably faster rate. It wouldn't be long before my first batch of robots were fully operational and ready to serve.

As I was connecting the motherboard inside a detached JackBot head, Aqua was busy making arts and crafts, humming a lullaby to herself while she worked. I heard her sing it before, and when I asked what it was, she explained that it was a popular children's song called "A Little Adventurer". It was surprisingly soothing on the ears. For someone with such a toxic personality, Aqua sure did have a beautiful voice to compensate.

…

Random thought, but...I wonder if my family got over my death already. I wouldn't be surprised, they barely check up on me to see if I'm still alive. Was it weird that I didn't really miss them all that much? I know the monks didn't miss me; if anything, they're probably partying over my grave as I speak. Wuya and Chase are definitely glad I'm out of the picture, they already couldn't stand my guts before I died. And Hannibal...again, I didn't know him all that well. But I doubt he cares either.

They were always talking down on me…saying I could never be evil…telling me I never could seize the world for myself…huh...

It took me a minute to realize I was just staring blankly inside the open latch in my robot's head. I looked over at Aqua, who was making a little house out of empty milk cartons.

I took a small breath and began asking her a serious question. "Hey...Aqua?"

She didn't even look up from her work. "What's up, Jack?"

"Be honest: do you really think we have what it takes to kill the Devil King? I mean, I'm pretty sure he didn't get that title without a good reason. How are four people gonna kill someone with a big name like that-"

I didn't have time to dodge the crushed milk carton flying at my face. I opened my eyes to see a royally pissed Aqua glaring daggers my way.

"Why would you ask a stupid question like that!?" she demanded. "I thought you were supposed to be the smart one of the group."

"Hold on...you actually believe we can do it then?"

"Believe it? I know it! I'm getting back home if it's the last thing I do! No demonic tyrant is gonna stop me otherwise!"

"But we're a ragtag team of low-leveled weirdos against Satan himself. Face it, Aqua, we're outgunned and outmatched in every way!"

Aqua turned herself fully around to face me. Unlike all the other previous fits she's had, it looked like she was actually restraining herself from going ballistic. I had no choice but to express my confusion at her sudden change in behavior.

Her face deflated to a neutral look and she let loose an exasperated sigh. "You need to have more trust in us..."

Aqua immediately cut me off when I tried to interrupt. "Ah, bup-bup. I don't wanna hear it. Look, I don't know if you have trust issues or whatever, but you need to learn to have faith in your party. It pains me to say this, and don't get a big head over it, but you're our leader. Not only do you make the tough decisions when it matters most, but you also have to rely on the rest of us in turn. Namely me, of course."

Her face softened and a ghost of a smile found its way onto her lips. "Now quit your whining, robo-nerd. I'm restocking my supply for tomorrow."

The goddess turned back around and resumed her work as nothing had happened.

For once in my talkative life, I was left speechless. Was that the same Aqua? The unhelpful, lazy, bitchy, stupid woman that unwillingly accompanied me on the start of my journey? Not only was she working hard at her part-time job, but she also unintentionally gave me some much needed closure with a pep talk on team trust.

For a girl who was labeled as unintelligent on her Adventurer Card, she sure knows her way with words, I'll give her that much.

I mean, okay, sure, maybe I do have some trust issues. But in my defense, every other team I've ever had was quick to ditch me for one reason or another. After a while, I simply got...used to the backstabbing. I know that way of thinking is unhealthy, but when you live with the ghost of a witch who semi-frequently tosses you out like a used napkin, you'd become skeptical of others too.

Then again, Aqua is technically a holy figure and not a restless spirit. Darkness is a chivalrous Crusader and Megumin strikes me as someone who knows what it's like to be abandoned. Maybe Aqua's on to something here. Who knows? Only time will tell if they're the ones for me.

"Oh, FYI Jack, I borrowed most of your nuts and bolts for my art project. Pretty resourceful of me, wouldn't ya say?"

All that pleasantness was quickly washed away and replaced with anger. "So that's why they went missing this morning!? Don't do that, you useless party trick goddess!"

Aqua gasped in shock and whimpered, "B-But people l-love my p-party tricksssss-WWWWWWAAAAHHHH!"

Then she buried her head within her arms and cried her eyes out.

Well, that didn't last long. Whatever, she'll get over it in the morning.

She did not, in fact, get over it.

Aqua continued to blubber like a baby all the way to our table at the guild. Megumin, Darkness, and I stood over her in silence while she mumbled insults at me in between hiccups.

"What did you say to her last night?" Megumin asked incredulously.

"That she wastes her skill points on pointless party tricks," I answered plainly. "Now she's crying because she knows it's the truth."

"Jack, I understand everyone needs to vent sometimes," Darkness commented. "If ever you feel stressed again, feel free to tear into me – I WOULDN'T MIND!"

"But it's not you I'm angry at. It's this goddess has-been who cries more often…" I deliberately aimed the rest of my sentence at Aqua, "…Then when I stub my toe!"

The goddess has-been sniffed, "You're such a brute, you shut-in emo…"

I was about to unleash my wrath upon her when Luna spoke through the PA system about an emergency at the front gates. Like last time, everyone in the guild kicked it into high gear and rushed outside the gates in record time.

My party and I were still weaving through the crowd to get front-row seats of the action. Everyone around us was speaking in hushed whispers.

"Alright, is it Flying Cabbages again? 'Cuz Jack Spicer, Evil Cabbage Ninja, has got this in the bag, baby!"

My amazing self-confidence immediately fizzled out when I witnessed the lone figure atop a small mound. Saddled on a decapitated horse blacker than the void, there was an ominous Knight clad in dark gray armor with a black cape tied around where its neck should be. The actual head, which was hidden under a helmet, was safely cradled in its left forearm. A singular, glowing maroon eye peeked out through the helmet's "T" visor carefully watching the crowd.

I was quaking in my combat boots at the mere sight of this...THING. Whatever it was, it reminded me an awful lot of the armor Hannibal Roy Bean wore on occasion. He may have been a freaky jellybean, but he's still the evilest known creature in my world. Even though this monster lacked the spikes of Hannibal's armor, it more than made up for it in stoic creepiness.

"W-W-W-W-W-What is that thing?" I asked through chattering teeth.

Darkness answered, "A Dullahan..."

"I would've gone with the Headless Horseman, but I'll take it..."

The undead Knight, now established as a Dullahan, projected his voice loud and clear. It was the type of voice that boomed with respect and authority.

"Citizens of Axel! I am one of eight distinguished generals in the Devil King's Army. I have recently taken residence in a nearby abandoned castle to investigate reports of a mysterious divine light that should up here not too long ago. This is not why I come to you now, however..."

He paused as his head growled in repressed fury. The Dullahan slowly continued, but steadily spoke faster with each word.

"Every day...every single damn day, I have reserved myself in solitude disturbing no one when some nutjob decides to blow up my base like, 'BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM'! That is what I have to wake up to every morning, and it's getting annoying! So let me ask…WHO IS THE MANIAC CASTING EXPLOSION MAGIC ON MY CASTLE!?"

The horse stood on its hind legs and screeched an unholy animalistic sound while a strong dark aura blasted out of the rider and his steed.

The crowd cowered together and talked amongst themselves about who this "anonymous" spell caster could possibly be. When all eyes unsurprisingly turned to Megumin, she lowered her hat over her eyes and casually walked over to the enraged undead. Talk about bold...

Megumin walked until she was halfway to the Dullahan where she stopped and remained perfectly composed.

"So, you're the maniac who's responsible," The decapitated Knight declared. "Did you forget that I am one of the Devil King's top generals or do you just have a death wish? I may be undead, but I used to be a Knight you know; it would be beneath me to attack a city of small fries. But I will do it if I have to! Do you know what it's like for me and my men to clean up the mess you make at my castle!? Well? What do you have to say for yourself!?"

The girl whipped her cape back and boldly proclaimed, "My name is Megumin! A proud Archwizard who commands Explosion Magic!"

"…What is a 'Megumin'?" He asked in a genuinely confused tone. "Are you pulling my leg?"

"What – no! I am the most powerful spell-caster this city has to offer! And firing at your castle was all a trap to lure you right to us! We have the number advantage here, we can take you on!"

Megumin then pointed to me all the way behind her. "Isn't that right, Jack!?"

"What!? Leave me out of this!"

After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, Aqua suddenly charged ahead to Megumin's side while summoning her own staff as well. "I don't care if you're in the Devil King's Army! As an Archpriest, I cannot allow an undead like you to exist! Not only that, but you're the reason why I had to get a part-time job! Prepare yourself!"

"A low-leveled Archwizard and Archpriest against my might? That's not brave, that's just foolish," The Dullahan scoffed before raising his right hand, which began to glow a dark aura. "Crazy little girl, I order you to cease your Explosions on my castle. Do not make me repeat myself..."

She didn't hesitate, "Impossible! We Crimson Demons need to unleash Explosion Magic every day, else we'll die! I refuse to comply!"

"I have never heard of such a questionable claim. But since you refuse…"

He pointed his finger at her with his dark hand.

"I sentence thee to death. HERALD DEATH!"

Black magic lashed out from his hand like a striking viper and flew at the unprepared Megumin. But before it could touch her, Darkness slid in front of her from out of nowhere. The magic engulfed her entire body and as she screamed in pain, a horrible vision of a skull twitching sporadically appearing in front of her.

When the aura faded away, Darkness slumped to the ground.

That scene was burned into the back of mind from then on out. It wasn't like her fun-loving cry of discomfort, it sounded like actual hell for her.

I don't have any recollection of moving from the crowd to Darkness' side; I wanna say I flew over to her with my HeliBot, but I can't be sure. It didn't matter at the time as all I could do was shoot her question after question about the state of her well-being. Even though she was on her knees and convulsing like she had run a marathon, she still gave me a solid smile.

"It's alright, leader. I'm okay."

A tidal wave of relief washed over me. That was a close call, too close in fact.

The undead bastard hummed like he was thinking something over. "Perhaps this could work to my advantage. Your Crusader ally will die in a week's time. She will suffer for seven days as she trembles in fear of death, and it will be all your fault. If you truly care for your friend, come fight me at my castle like the 'proud Archwizard' you claim yourself to be. I shall await your arrival."

As he turned his horse around to leave, Darkness stabbed her sword into the ground to prop herself. However, she refused to look directly at the unholy commander.

"Disgraceful. To think you were once a Knight makes me sick to the core. You're saying you won't lift the curse unless I submit to your whims, is that it?"

He said, "What?"

"I will not allow a mere curse to break my spirit. I cannot give in, but…but…"

Darkness snapped her head in my direction. Her face looked just like mine whenever I was on the brink of world domination, except it was accompanied by the meanest blush that ever blushed. I nearly wet myself, I was that spooked.

"What shall I do Jack!? I can feel his filthy eyes on me, hungry, WANTING! Just look at them, those are the eyes of a closet pervert – one who would make a sex slave of me! And to break the curse, I shall have to submit my body to all manner of pornographic acts over and over again!"

Darkness was standing on her own now and hyperventilating. The Dullahan was backing away slowly as she continued doing…whatever it was she was doing.

"You may dominate my body, but you will never dominate my heart...hah...Just the mere prospect of being chained up to a cold stone wall and being forced to submit to this beast fills me with adrenaline..."

If there was one thing on Earth I never thought I'd imagining hearing, it's a devout woman squeeing (y'know, the thing girls do in chick flicks?) over the idea of willingly becoming a victim to human trafficking.

"OH THE HORROR~! What should I do, Jack!? I didn't expect things to become this risqué-"

"But, but, but they never were until you started putting words in his mouth…" I meekly argued.

"…I don't want to go, but I have no choice! I shall resist for as long as I can, do not try to save me!"

Darkness made a mad dash to the twitching undead general. I ran up and grabbed her by her underarms to try and drag her back.

"Darkness, cut it out! You're making the Headless Horseman of all people uncomfortable!" I yelled. "How do you even do that?"

With almost no reaction time, the Dullahan suddenly got all uppity with me. "What the!? How dare you compare me to my stepfather! All that freeloader ever does is roam the woods at night spooking lost travelers! But do you ever see that piece of trash support his stepson when he gets a job offer from the Devil King? NoooOOOooo! I am nothing like that alcoholic deadbeat, DO YOU HEAR ME!?"

…

Wow, daddy issues much? I mean, I've got beef with my old man, but you don't hear me getting emotional over him. That's with my mom.

Eventually, the general got his act together and cleared his nonexistent throat. "A-At any rate, my challenge still stands. Come to my castle, Crimson Demon, if you value your friend's life. I'll be waiting..."

As he turned his horse back around, a distorted portal opened in front of him. The Dullahan and his ride entered the portal just as it collapsed. There was a terrible silence among our group.

Finally, Megumin walked in the direction of the forest without saying anything.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"If that bastard wants a fight, he's got one. It's the only way to save our friend."

I tried to argue, but the words got caught up in my throat and died there. Megumin was going on a suicide mission, that much was obvious. I didn't want her to die, but for the life of me, I couldn't speak against it. If I stopped her, then I would be indirectly responsible for Darkness's death. Truthfully, I didn't want any of my teammates to die (I'm still kinda on the fence with Aqua), but something about it being Darkness in particular was a thought I didn't know if I could stomach.

...I know I'm probably going to regret this, and my brain is screaming at me to reconsider...but I think I've made my decision.

With a sigh, I jogged over to Megumin and said, "If you're going, then I'm going too."

She looked at me in surprise, like she never expected me to say that. I don't blame her, I was having a hard time believing myself. "This is my fight, not yours. You had nothing to do with this."

"Heh, yeah, well, I'm technically an accomplice to your mess-up. So I'm tagging along – and believe me, okay, I'd much rather go hide under my haystack, ya dig!?"

Get a hold of yourself, Spicer. Puff out that chest and at least try look brave!

"But…I've been told I need to trust my gang more. Even if I am skeptical about your decision, I'm putting my faith in you that you know what you're doing. Plus, I wanna show that bad guy what real evil tastes like!"

I felt arms snake their way around me and before I knew it, I was pulled into a hug. Was not expecting that. I'm not even sure if I should hug back or not. Am I denying her comfort if I don't or will it come across as awkward if I do? You see now why I don't do hugs? They make me overthink!

At least Megumin obeyed the 3-second rule before things could escalate any further. I thought I was about to bug out if she kept hugging me for any longer. Oh well, at least she seems pumped about my offer to go with her.

"Alright, partner. Let's show this bad guy that we're worse than any demon he commands!" she cheered.

Before we could anything, Darkness suddenly interrupted, "Friends, please, do not try to fight him. If sacrificing my own life is what it takes to protect you all, then -"

"Sacred Break Spell!"

Out of the blue, our blue party member aimed her staff at Darkness and the flower bud on top opened up to shoot out a magical energy beam. It engulfed the Crusader in a flashing light show and she squeaked in surprise. Two Cupid-like angels hovered over Darkness to literally lift the curse off of her like a bedsheet and floated away into the clouds.

After...that was over, Darkness stood in place blinking. We all simultaneously turned to Aqua with dumbstruck expressions. She merely put her hands behind her back and smiled innocently at us.

"What?" she asked playfully. "Archpriests are known for their supportive roles!"

Soon the entire crowd of adventurers surrounded Aqua and praised her for lifting the curse. She happily paid them back by performing Nature's Beauty for all the guys.

Meanwhile, we were left wondering what the hell had happened back there.