My party and I were peacefully eating breakfast at the Adventurer's Guild.
That's it, nothing special or wacky. Just the four of us quietly eating bacon and eggs at a table in the far back corner of the guild. If you subtracted the girls and replaced my breakfast with a square slice of undercooked pizza, this whole setup wouldn't be that far off from my experience eating at every school cafeteria ever. And I was not okay with that.
At one point, I had to quietly pinch myself just to make sure everything was real. I could accept the fact that I died and was reincarnated into a fantasy JRPG world instead of living out a feverish coma dream in the hospital. But leading an evil team composed entirely of the opposite sex? Still having a hard time believing it despite everything.
Speaking of the girls, one of the more unbearable ones just slammed her empty plate onto the table like a judge using her gavel at the courtroom. "Guys, listen up! I don't know about you, but I am sick of having to live in debt! Who cares if that Dullahan only left us with super hard quests? We need to take one anyway, even if it's completely unreasonable!"
"I-I don't mind if it's unreasonable..."
We know, Darkness. We know.
"You do know you wouldn't have your stupid debt problems if you didn't spend more than you earn, right?" I countered tiredly. "I already have to pay for everyone's meals, so there's no way I'm covering for your broke ass anymore. You're not dragging all of us through the mud just because of your little money crisis! Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta take a leak."
However, before I could walk away from the table to drain the snake, Aqua locked my legs in a vice grip while sobbing hysterically. She was starting to make a habit out of this, so it didn't even phase me. Was I really this overbearing to everyone back home?
"Please, Jack, PLEASE! Throw me a bone and let me pick out a quest just this once!" she begged. "I don't wanna work part-time no more; the manager always yells at me whenever I can't sell enough products! It's hard being a struggling artist! I promise I'll never bug you about choosing quests again, so please let me have this one! Please oh please oh pleaseeee!"
"Okay, FINE!" I relented. "I'm giving you permission, just this once, to pick out a quest for us to go on. But for the love of evil, shut up! It's too early for a migraine..."
My exasperated approval was enough to cheer up Aqua, who immediately stood upright and gave me a mock salute before skipping over to the quest board. I groaned and slumped back down in my seat, resting my elbows on the table.
"Aren't you worried she'll come back with a completely insane quest?" Megumin asked me in confidence.
"Yes, even though I'm perfectly fine with anything insane, are you sure you're okay with this?" Darkness added.
"Girls, girls, relax. It's just Aqua. It's not like she could be stupid enough to pick out a suicide mission – and I'm just now realizing I've made a horrible error. Somebody stop that blue thing!"
I wasted no time in pushing my way past waitresses to get to my ditzy partner. I was not about to put my second life in her hands! What was I thinking, letting her decide!?
Aqua was already in the process of reading over a flyer she had taken off the quest board. I snatched it away from her and placed my hand over her face to keep her at bay while she failed to swipe at me.
"Hold it! What kind of death sentence were you ready to choose for us?" I didn't let her answer (partially due to the fact that my hand was covering her mouth) and simply mumbled it for myself. "'Griffin and Manticore…territory dispute…disturbing the peace…dispatch both…500,000 eris'."
I slowly lowered the sheet of paper in order to stare at Aqua with the most dumbfounded look the human face could physically make. "Are you trying to get us killed!? Do you honestly think any one of us is experienced enough to kill both a Griffin and a Manticore? I don't even know what that last one is!"
Aqua finally had the decency to remove my hand from her face, although I thought she would've been disgusted enough to do that from the start. Anyway, she tried to "rationalize" her decision. "But that's the quest with the highest bounty right now! And with that much eris, my debt shackles will break, and I shall be a free butterfly~"
"Bad grief, you really are mentally handicapped. Either that or you have the brain of a toddler," I muttered while pinching the bridge of my nose.
"Watch it, hikikomori," Aqua bit back, adding some spicy Japanese flair to her sentence. "I'll have you know I'm the same age as you. And as a goddess, that makes me your senpai by default. So I win!"
I looked up at her with a raised eyebrow. "You? Seventeen? I thought cosmic beings were supposed to be ageless or whatever."
"That's seventeen in Heaven years. The time flow on Earth is different from the time flow in Heaven and the Fantasy World. One month on Earth is just an hour in Heaven but three months here. Some genius you are, can't even tell the time. Kukuku…"
Differing dimensional time flows, huh? So if 1 Earth month is 1 Heaven hour and we multiply by 12, that's 12 hours for every 1 year on Earth. Which means 2 Earth years is equal to a full 24-hour day up in Heaven. 365 days in a year, multiply by 2, and the year ratio between these two planes of existence is 730:1…Which means -
"YOU'RE 12,410 YEARS OLD - !?"
Irony slapped it's feminine hand over my face as Aqua covered my mouth in a manner similar to what I did to her mere moments ago.
"Good Me, you are LOUD!" she groaned. "And where'd you come up with such a random number? I already told you I was seventeen, and here you are pulling big numbers out of your ass to make my head hurt!"
My lips found an opening between the cracks of Aqua's fingers as I genius-splained her. "For your information, all I did was basic math inside my head. I know that may be too much for your literal lamebrain to handle, but it's the truth. And furthermore, if this world moves three times slower than Earth, then that means you're actually 37,230 years old! No matter how you slice it, you're an old hag like Wuya!"
The granny goddess pinched my mouth between her fingers and shoved my face away in seething annoyance. "GAH! You talk too much! And who's this 'Wuya' bitch, huh? Oh forget it, doesn't matter. Ever since the stupid Council of Heaven exiled me down here, I'm now at the mercy of this world's time flow. At some point, I'm gonna get old and ugly way sooner than all the other gods and goddesses! So hurry up and slay the Devil King before I turn into a wrinkly old fart!"
"Baby steps, Aqua, baby steps," I said in a calm tone of voice. No reason having a temperamental goddess make my job harder than it needs to be. "First, we need to level up by gaining XP. To do that, we need to be able to complete quests. So, by that logic, if you really wanna whup Satan's ass and go back home, you should pick quests you know you can handle to get the most bang for your buck. I'll even sweeten the deal by letting you keep whatever prize money we make just this once. Deal?"
Aqua's eyes lit up at the prospect of money and she nodded ecstatically. She proceeded to glance at the quest board again before her wandering eyes trailed back to the piece of paper still in my hand...
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
"Y'know, it was the first quest that I chose..." Aqua drawled. "And they say you should go with your gut instinct…"
"Not happening. Pick anything else but this one."
Unfortunately, I made the mistake of holding up the flyer when I said that, because the next thing I knew, we were both locked in a tug of war. As we engaged in battle, I tried to persuade the bimbo into seeing things my way while she did the same (with substantial grunting on both sides).
"C'mon…! Think of all the money…!"
"You mean the money…you're gonna hoard…all to yourself!?"
"We had a deal…you butt-munch!"
"That was before…you picked the same damn quest…I TOLD YOU NOT TO PICK!"
After an intense, operatic struggle for dominance over the paper, the battle concluded with a deafening tear. I looked down to find that I now had half of the quest flyer. And wouldn't you know it, Aqua had the other half.
My attention was shifted to an approaching Luna who, despite the closed eyes and pleasant smile, carried a threatening aura with her. "Oh, Lady Aqua and Mr. Spicer! I see the two of you have agreed to accept the Manticore-Griffin kill quest. Splendid! They really have been disturbing Mirfield Village for quite some time now. It seems the beasts have been using the community's carrot fields as a battleground for their territory dispute. Thank you so much for taking on the mantle of responsibility; this is one of the most dangerous quests we've received in quite a while."
Oh no. Luna, doll, you can't be serious...
"W-Wait, we never agreed to go on this quest!" I argued, though admittedly it came out as a plea more than anything.
The receptionist's forced smile never faltered as she dropped the proverbial bomb, "Be that as it may, you two did rip the flyer, and guild policy dictates that individuals who tear and/or damage quest flyers are henceforth held accountable for taking on the assigned missions. We've had far too many hooligans rip up flyers in the past, so the National Guild Committee had to mandate a zero-tolerance policy."
I turned to my scapegoat, "Well, you heard the fine lady, Aqua. You rip it, you take it."
"Hey, that's not fair!"
It was in that moment that Luna finally opened her eyes. While not outwardly imposing, those yellow orbs still radiated this "don't fuck with me" energy. Collaborating with Wuya and Chase Young has made me very keen on detecting that particular kind of vibe, trust me.
"Actually, Subsection 8 of the Zero-Tolerance Policy clearly states that any affiliates of the perpetrator are also responsible for seeing the quest to completion," Luna stated like one of my robots reading the dictionary. "So it really doesn't matter which one of you ripped it. In the eyes of the NGC, your entire party is accountable. The Axel Town Adventurer's Guild deeply apologizes for having to do this, it's simply a matter of following the rules. I'm sure you understand."
Aqua and I were too frightened by Luna's scarily calm demeanor to ask what would happen if we refused. Besides, I already had a pretty solid idea on what, and I don't want to experience firsthand what they do to evildoers in prison.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make arrangements for the temporary relocation and safeguarding of Mirfield's people. After all, four brave adventurers are on their way to rid their village of those foul beasts for good!"
She didn't have to phrase it in a way that made us sound heroic. That's just adding insult to injury...
As the blonde receptionist walked away to speak with some priest who just came in, I found myself sitting on the floor. In the fetal position. Shaking uncontrollably. Scared out of my wits.
Aqua was quicker to come out of her stupor, and she said to me, "Forget about that hussy, Jack! We were gonna take that quest anyway! It's only two mismatched animals, and you have a goddess to carry you all to victory. You and the others don't have to worry about a thing, I got this in the bag!"
Out of all the things to take from this disaster, that's what I was the most afraid of. I better hurry and start writing my will because someone's gotta finish those JackBots while I'm left dying in a ditch somewhere.
Mirfield Village was due west of Axel. It wasn't far enough away to require a carriage ride over, but it was still too damn far in my book. The sun was beating down on me, my feet were sore because the girls wouldn't let me fly while they had to walk, and I couldn't stop replaying the worst case scenario in my head on loop. I was doing everything in my power to not have another meltdown.
The gang, meanwhile, was taking things maybe just a little too easy in my opinion. Megumin blabbed on about how she was aiming to get two kills for the price of one Explosion. Darkness, though she didn't say much, was likely daydreaming of all the different ways she'd get mauled (so at least she was ready to go out in stride I guess). And at the pinnacle of carefree living was Aqua, who pranced around singing about the small fortune she'd make come the end of day.
I wonder where gods and goddess go when they die? Maybe a "Super Heaven" or "Super Hell"? I think I know where she would go...
Musings aside, we eventually made it to Mirfield Village. Might as well rip off the Band-Aid now and get our gruesome deaths over with. Who knows, maybe the faster we do this, the more likely it'll be painless. Fingers crossed.
The village itself was…really undeserving to be called a village. That crappy town full of fake Omi relatives I built outshines this dump. And I was forced to build that cesspool in under a day! This "village" was just a dozen crummy shack houses scattered around in no discernible pattern. They didn't even bother to line up the houses in 6x6 rows!
See, this is exactly why there needs to be an evil ruler who can bring order to this lawless world (that evil ruler being me of course).
Well, what the village lacked in architectural planning, it more than overcompensated with the carrot patch located right next to it. The field spanned for acres, and it appeared as though the farmers had given up trying to enclose it since the fence was less than halfway around the perimeter. It's anyone's guess on why such a puny settlement would need such a large supply of carrots. Honestly, given how bizarre this world has been, I wouldn't be surprised if the villagers were actually rabbit people or something. Come to think of it, didn't I see an adventurer at the guild who had rabbit-like ears on her head?
Suddenly, the bold cry of an eagle and the domineering growl of a lion pierced my eardrums. Unlike the calls of their normal Earth counterparts, these were amplified and heavily distorted to a monstrous degree, probably because they were the very monsters we were drafted to kill. I quickly dove into the nearest bush, and thankfully the girls were at least smart enough to follow suit. Although Aqua had points deducted for face-planting into a different bush several feet away from us.
A powerful gust of wind surged through the carrot patch accompanied by the sound of beating wings. Screeches and roars bellowed as the two previously mythological creatures came crashing down into the fertilized soil below. They were both just as feral (and equally as hideous) as Chase in his lizard form.
I instantly recognized one of the combatants as a fairly popular folklore monster. The Griffin was a horrendous hybrid of a lion and an eagle. The body, tail, and back legs are all lion while the head, front talons, and wings are all eagle. Two halves that made up one messed up whole.
I wasn't as familiar with the Manticore, but I could definitely see why it would be the perfect rival for a Griffin. It too was a living jigsaw puzzle of unrelated animals mashed together into one. The only thing it had in common with the Griffin was a lion for the base body part. However, it had bat wings and a motherfucking scorpion tail!
As if that weren't disturbing enough, the face centered in its mane was human. Or humanoid I should say. It was creeping its way into the uncanny valley, let's just leave it at that.
Y'know, there was once a time where I considered dipping my toes into gene-splicing, like a classic mad scientist. Well, I'm here to report now that I am so glad I chose robotics because, holy shit, these freaks of nature make me question God even further…and gods in general for that matter.
Anyway, it appeared the two monsters were duking it out way before we arrived. Both had various injuries all over their mismatched bodies. The Griffin's beak was all busted up while the Manticore had one of its eyes scratched out and its scorpion tail was dangling uselessly from a cracked base.
Oh! I just got a brilliantly evil idea! There was still a chance for us to complete this quest and live to tell the tale!
Motioning for my posse to listen carefully, I whispered, "Okay, it's obvious those monsters want to murderlize each other. So here's what I'm thinking: we let natural selection decide who dies first and while the survivor is still recovering from the fight, we get the drop on it. That way, it'll be too tired and injured to defend itself."
"I OBJECT!"
I shushed Megumin like how Mrs. Cornhaven would shush me for being loud. Immediately after, I cautiously peered over the shrub to see if the Griffin and Manticore heard my partner's big fat mouth. Thankfully, they were still going at each other's throats (literally).
I turned back to Megumin and whisper-yelled, "The hell is your problem!? What is there to object? My plan's foolproof!"
She whisper-yelled back, "It would not only be a dishonor to me, but a dishonor to my clan if I didn't obliterate two legendary beasts in one glorious Explosion! That is why I object to your plan."
"Megumin...under normal circumstances, I'd be totally down for unleashing a rad Explosion on our enemies while we laugh maniacally as evil master and evil apprentice."
"Uh, and just who would be who in that relationship, exactly?" She asked pointedly.
"Irrelevant. The point is, I'm trying to propose a strategy that won't end with us on the dinner plate. Not only does your spell take too long to cast but you also have to bellow a chant to make it work."
"Oh, I don't need to chant to cast Explosion Magic."
Even Aqua and Darkness seemed to be just as shocked as I was at the young mage and her nonchalant confession.
"You…you don't?" I asked.
"Nope. I could cast it without uttering a peep if I wanted to. But I don't want to, because then I wouldn't be a full-crimson-blooded Crimson Demon if I didn't! Plus, the chant actually helps boost Explosion's power."
Part of me wanted to applaud her dedication to monologuing. However, the other part also wanted to snap her dumb wooden staff in half for not telling me this sooner!
"Actually, Jack, while we're taking this moment to strategize, I too have to object your proposal."
Darkness! Not you too!
"I insist that you let me use my Decoy skill to attract those repulsive creatures to me," she urged. "While they are busy ravaging me senseless, you can strike after they have exhausted themselves. No matter how long it takes, you must be patient and wait for them to be completely fatigued. In fact, you can forget all about me if that helps make the time go by!"
Who says stuff like that sincerely!?
"Do any of you two lack self-preservation!?" I whisper-yelled in frustration. "Because what you're suggesting is suicide, you maniacs!"
As the three of us whisper-yelled at each other, Aqua leaned out of the bush next to ours and spoke, "Guys, you're all overthinking this. I'm powerful enough to take on those freaky animals all by myself. Have you not seen my stats? They're incredibly amazing, like yours truly~"
I looked at the nimrod skeptically. "Need I remind you of the time you failed to kill a Giant Toad? Twice? On the same day?"
Aqua got on the defensive, "That was before I knew toads were immune to water spells and blunt force trauma! But since these aren't toads we're dealing with here, this should be a piece of -"
"SALVATION!"
From out of the thicket behind Aqua, a living skeleton came barreling after her, and in broad stinking daylight no less! Not only that, but he also sounded just like Skeletor! I shit you not!
We all gasped at the attacker but, in a turn of events more shocking than the wandering skeleton, Aqua was the first to take initiative. She did so by doing a backwards somersault out of her hiding bush and landing with the precision of a Xiaolin Monk. Once she put some distance between herself and her foe, the water goddess summoned her flower bud staff and aimed it at him.
"Turn Undead!"
A spectacular column of what I could only assume was light from Heaven itself shot down from the sky at the undead monster. Its bones were vaporized in an instant along with its restless soul. It may have been my imagination, but I also thought I heard the skeleton's soul say something along the lines of, "sweet release" upon disintegration. Either way, it was hard to hear much of anything with the overdramatic Hallelujah chorus blaring in all our ears.
When the lights faded and the nonexistent choir shut up, I couldn't help but ask, "WWWWHAT! …Was THAT!?"
"That was my Turn Undead skill," Aqua answered on point. "It's a spell that can purify the Undead, like that skeleton who was likely drawn out of hiding by my divine aura."
Before I had a chance to interrogate her further on that, the sound of beating wings followed by demonic eagle screeching rattled my brain.
"AAAAAAHHHHHH! It's got my hair! HAAALP!"
Shit – that Skeletor impersonator gave away our position! The Griffin we were supposed to kill swooped in and plucked Aqua away with its battle-scarred beak. Before it could make off with its flailing luggage, however, the Manticore went airborne and bum-rushed its rival. As the two monsters wrestled in midair, fumbling over each other and trying not to lose altitude, the Manticore bit into Aqua's legs.
"AQUA!" Megumin shouted.
"OH GODS!" Darkness cried.
I just hissed through my teeth. That was definitely going to leave a mark.
The flying, amalgamated animals tried to yank the Archpriest to their side in the most brutal game of tug of war I've ever seen. All the while, Aqua screamed and yelled a bunch of stuff in both Japanese and Chinese (most of which I assume were swears).
"They're gonna tear her apart!" Megumin cried in fear. "We have to do something!"
Okay, okay, calm down Jack, don't panic, don't panic! You can think of something if you rack your brain hard enough. Uh, let's see, maybe I can whip up a makeshift blaster? No, that'll take too long, idiot! Um, fly up to Aqua with my HeliBot? Okay, but then what? I'm not powerful enough to kill those monsters on my own! Fuck, alright, well, what if -
"Hang on, my friend! I'm coming!"
Darkness's exclamation snapped me back into reality long enough to see her hopping over the fence into the carrot patch. Confused and scared to be left alone, Megumin and I followed her into the field to see what she was planning to do. Before we hopped over the fence ourselves, we saw Darkness stop directly underneath the monsters pulling at Aqua like she was a dog's chewing rope. From where she stood, the sun glistened off her polished white armor, illuminating her in an almost ethereal glow. It may have been hard on my albino eyes, but it was honestly breath-taking to look at.
In that moment alone, she looked…even cooler and more ravishing than Chase Young…
"Decoy!"
And that's when the moment had to come crashing down.
As soon as that one word left her mouth, the Griffin and Manticore abruptly ceased tugging on Aqua's hair and feet. In an almost hypnotic-like trance, they dropped the girl and dive bombed straight into the now giggling Crusader. They soon pounced on her, resuming their aggressive instincts.
Megumin and I had no time to check up on Darkness as we now had to worry about a falling Aqua. We frantically tried to position ourselves to catch her.
"I got it, I got it!"
There was a hard thud over to my left.
"I don't got it..."
Megumin was already kneeling beside Aqua to check for a pulse. The Archwizard sighed in relief, "She's alright, she's still breathing. There also doesn't seem to be any bleeding on her legs. I think her boots protected her from the bite."
Strangely enough, the kid spoke the truth. Other than some teeth marks on her ankles, her sturdy footwear managed to protect her legs from that Manticore's bite. Although, I don't think her surprisingly rugged high heel boots were enough to protect her psyche. Aqua had yet to say anything after she fell to earth. She simply stared up at the clouds with glassy eyes and parted lips.
A cry of pain(?) tore me away from the girl lying in the dirt back to the girl getting mauled by wild animals. I could hardly see Darkness behind all that fur and mismatched body parts. But I knew she was still getting pummeled as evident by her…well, they're not exactly screams per say.
"Jack, we have to save Darkness before she gets killed!" shouted Megumin.
I mean, that's technically not what's happening over there but -
"R-Right! We gotta help her! Um…" I scratched my head hard before an idea came to mind and I snapped my fingers. "OH! I know! Go ahead and cast Explosion on them!"
"Are you insane!? Our friend is still in there! She'll get caught up in my blast!"
"You did it to her before!" I argued.
"On accident!" Megumin stressed. "In an open field! This is different, those monsters are right on top of her! I-I don't know if I can bring myself to do it!"
We don't have time for this! I grabbed the kid by her shoulders and leveled my voice, "Megumin, listen to me! If she's strong enough to survive the first blast, she can survive a second! But not doing anything is going to get her ripped to shreds!"
Amidst the furious growls and caws from the Manticore and Griffin respectively, I distinctly heard Darkness shout, "I am fine – HAH~! D-Don't worry about – MMM~! Little old me!"
…I promptly ignored it.
Megumin shifted nervously on her feet. She still seemed apprehensive. But we don't have time for cold feet, let alone shifting feet!
"Just do it!" I begged. "Trust me!"
Megumin quickly glanced up into my eyes before looking back down at her shoes. Then she started mumbling something to herself while shaking ever so slightly.
Great, just great; she's freaking out on me like how I freak out on Wuya! My anxiety must be rubbing off on others!
I was about ready to give up on Megumin and come up with a plan myself when I noticed the wind began increasing in speed. This would normally be nothing worth acknowledging if it weren't for the colorful twinkly bits gliding along with the breeze. Inferno-red cipher circles then materialized in the sky above Darkness and the beasts beating her silly.
...I should hit the deck.
"EXPLOSION!"
The blast wave knocked me off my feet, and I, for a brief moment, became a human torpedo. Gravity claimed its control on me as soon as my face plowed into the dirt. After a while of just lying on the ground, I slowly pulled myself up and coughed out the dirt and whole carrots that got shoveled into my mouth from the crash.
As I spit out the offending substances, I noticed the carrots all had...eyes? And legs? They all turned to flee once they righted themselves up and shook my saliva off of them.
Oh yeah, that's right: Aqua said all vegetables in this world were living creatures, like the Flying Cabbages. What a nightmare for vegans.
I spent quite some time spitting and scraping my tongue in a desperate attempt to get the taste of dirt out of my mouth. Eventually, I went back to survey the damage. Sure enough, a large smoldering crater was all that was left of the monsters. The only thing that occupied the hole was the limp form of Darkness. She may have been knocked out but she still looked like she was at peace, probably having a wet dream. Her entire body was covered in ash, and her armor plating chipped to reveal -
WOAH-ho-ho-ho! Okay, that's a nip slip right there! Better look away before a certain "lab assistant" wakes up; now was not the time for teenager hormones.
"Ugh…Jack…?"
Megumin's muffled call for help thankfully gave me something to do to distract myself. I jogged to the spot where she had fallen down and knelt beside her face. She lifted her head in order to ask, "Is...is Darkness okay? She's okay, right?"
I smiled before answering, "Yep, just peachy. You've got nothing to worry about."
The little wizard let out a great big sigh. "Thank the gods. Last time that happened, during the harvest, she wasn't at ground zero. She only got sucked in from the edge of the blast. I wasn't sure if she could survive a direct attack. I won't lie, I was…I was…"
Megumin choked back the tears before carrying on in a shaky voice, "I-I was scared that I might kill her...that her blood would be on my hands. I really didn't want to have to live with that, Jack..."
Crap, I suck at emotional support. And I don't have YesBot to come bail me out. Uh...lemme try to make her laugh it off, maybe that'll work?
"Hey, c'mon, I think you and I both know you're smart enough to know that wouldn't have happened," I joked lightheartedly. "I mean, have you seen her in action? That woman's so strong, she could give diamonds a run for their money. And they're already worth a lotta money!"
To my surprise, Megumin actually chuckled at my joke. Back home, people would've either groaned or beat me up for saying something that corny. I'm starting to like this kid more and more.
"Hehe, yeah, you're right," she agreed. "The Crimson Demon's foremost prodigy shouldn't have been worried to begin with. It's rather unbecoming of her, wouldn't you agree?"
"Sure. But like I said, you had nothing to worry about with Darkness. Aqua on the other hand…"
Standing up, I stepped around Megumin to look down at the catatonic Aqua. She had yet to say anything after the fall. I tried snapping my fingers in front of her face, but she didn't even so much as blink. The same thousand-mile stare was the only facial expression present.
I sighed wearily. Being evil doesn't get any easier growing up, does it?
We got Aqua to move and speak on her own by the time we arrived back at Axel, so there was some progress being made. That being said, her body was on autopilot and she quietly sang a depressing song to herself, so there was still room for improvement. At least Megumin had recovered enough strength to walk on her own without hitching a ride on my back.
As for Darkness...well, she was still mostly covered in ash, and her armor was in serious need of repair. Not to mention that damn nipple was still exposed for all to see. And trust me, all saw. I guarantee you she made no effort to hide it, either. I suppose masochists and exhibitionists just go hand in hand...
…
Don't look to see if it's hard. Don't look to see if it's hard. Do not, under any circumstances, look to see if it's hard, otherwise something else will get hard!
…
I'm weak-willed...
A-Anyway, Aqua's song was gradually becoming more and more depressing with each verse. Seriously, she was singing about the futility of it all and wondering if she could find a purpose in life if she were sold as a slave. It was that bad, people. The townsfolk were also giving us strange looks, but frankly, I don't give a flying french fry about what they think. Right now, our Archpriest's mental stability was in jeopardy.
I know an evil genius like me shouldn't be empathizing with Aqua of all people, but dang it – she reminded me too much of me right now! Every time I got my ass handed to me by those damn monks, this was the aftermath. This is what those dweebs never look back on after they take my Wu and scram: a battered soul shuffling through life all dazed and confused. That's why whenever I glance at Aqua, I don't see a fair-skinned, blue-haired beauty. I see a pale, red-haired chump failing to get by.
"Jeez, might as well be me in her shoes…"
Wait, why were Darkness and Megumin looking at me? I didn't say anything. Unless...I was thinking out loud again…crap.
"Ah! Um, nothing, never mind, just a Freudian slip! You can forget I said anything!"
Saved it.
Thankfully, none of them had any time to respond as someone nearby was screaming, "My Goddess! MY GODDESS!"
Out of an alleyway, some random-ass dude just showed up making a beeline for Aqua. He had a suit of navy-blue armor, a dark blue cape, a jeweled circlet, and a fancy gold sword strapped to his waist. His eyes were blue, his hair was blonde, and he looked distinctly Asian. Judging from the way he looks and sounds alone, I'd say he's one of those smooth, athletic guys in the same vein as Raimundo who has everything going for them.
I haven't even confronted the guy yet and already I despise him.
"Aqua, my Goddess, my dear beloved Goddess!" he crowed. "What are you doing here? Did these heathens drag you down here!?"
He looked over to me and, with complete disregard for personal boundaries, gripped my shoulders so he could shake me all about like it's the damn hokey pokey!
"What did you do to her!?" he demanded ferociously. "YOU FREAK!"
Darkness came to my rescue as she grabbed the psycho behind his neck and yanked him off of me. She glared him down and practically hissed, "Hands off our leader, creep! You have no right to touch or insult him. Who are you and to what business do you have with us?"
I don't recall anyone in recent memory who went out of their way to stand up for me like that, the JackBots notwithstanding. Also...I maybe, kinda, sorta, find my companion cute when she's mad…in a frightening sort of way.
While that exchange was happening, I snuck over to the catatonic Aqua to whisper to her. "Pssst! I don't know this guy, but he knows you're a goddess. Do you two have some sort of unspoken history together? Try talking to him."
Silence. And that same lifeless expression since we left the village.
But just when it seemed all hope was lost, Aqua miraculously bounced back to her usual bubbly self. "Oh yeah, that's right: I am a goddess!"
Well, at least she's back to normal. But was that really an improvement in the grand scheme of things?
It didn't matter. Once Aqua snapped out of her funk, she proudly announced herself to the blonde stranger harassing us. "Yes, how can this goddess be of service to you, Mister...wait, who even are you?"
Hah! Watching that guy sputter like a dying car after that low blow was such a day brightener.
"What!? But-but-but it's me, Kyouya Mitsurugi! Remember?" He presented his gold and silver blade to her. "I died and you blessed me with the Cursed Sword Gram? To vanquish the Devil King?"
Aqua lightly tapped her chin with her finger as she theoretically racked her brain to remember. "Ooooh, I remember you now. Shoot, I'm sorry! I've reincarnated so many people like you, I was bound to forget a few here and there."
Careful, my goddess. Roast him anymore and he might get overcooked.
"R-Right…Well, it has been a while, milady. Just know that I am still fighting hard to save this world; to be its hero."
Oh, barf me a river. I had to butt in on the conversation, if only to get this dude to shut up with all the good guy talk. "Hang on, you said you were reincarnated by Aqua, right? Does that mean you're also from Earth?"
The...guy whose name was too hard to remember looked stunned at first. But he was quickly able to compose himself to answer. "Uh...y-yes, that's correct. I used to live in Japan with my mother and father before I died. Let's just say there was a...workplace accident when my father introduced me to his employer."
I nodded my head, making sure to keep the conversation rolling so I didn't have to hear any more of his hero spiel. "Oh, okay, cool. Who'd your old man work for, anyway?"
"Tohomiko Electronics."
"Really!? No way, get outta here!" I exclaimed, genuinely surprised myself. "Y'know, I've actually met Mr. Tohomiko and his daughter in person -"
Suddenly, M-Something cut me off before I could finish my sentence. Oddly rude coming from a supposed hero. "No you haven't, you liar. Tohomiko-sama is an important video game tycoon, he's a very busy man. Besides, everyone knows his daughter's in China attending some monk school."
"But I live in China..." I said in a deadpan tone.
"You don't even look Chinese!"
"I moved from America when I was thirteen, bigot!"
Sweet mother of evil, this guy was unbearable! If he didn't have that fancy sacred sword to hide behind, I'd give him a piece of my gifted mind. Then we'll see if he acts all high and mighty afterward.
"I'm getting sidetracked here," the blonde bastard stated before turning his attention back to Aqua. "My Goddess, tell me, what are you doing in the mortal realm?"
The goddess-now-turned-Archpriest surmised her tale thus far for him. Needless to say, he didn't take it too well.
"WHAT!? You mean you were unlawfully exiled with this smart-mouthed emo kid and he allowed you to get snatched by a Griffin and Manticore!?"
"How many times can a guy say, 'my bad'?" I moaned in light protest.
Murphy whipped his head furiously in my direction and swiftly hoisted me up off the ground by my coat collar. "How could you treat a goddess this way!? You monster!"
Was this meathead really chosen to be the hero? 'Cause right now he strikes me more as your typical, cookie cutter, high school jock bully. He was even beginning to draw in a crowd of onlookers and bystanders.
Before he had the chance to bash my face in, Aqua intervened by elaborating, "Wait, it's okay now! I've actually been having a lot of fun ever since coming here."
"Even so, you're still a goddess, milady. You deserve a way better partner. This guy is just a nobody."
"H-Hey, lay off man!" I defended meekly. "Anybody who's somebody starts out as a nobody!"
"By the way, my queen, which inn are you sleeping at? Is it to your liking?"
Don't ignore me, you prick!
Aqua's eyes widened when that dick addressed her and she fiddled with her thumbs as she answered the question. "Err, if by 'inn' you mean 'stable', then it's about ten blocks west of the farming district."
ACK! HE'S...STRANGLING…ME…!
"You're dead meat, punk! Dead meat!"
Darkness came to my rescue once again and pushed the goddamn lunatic off of me. "Don't you ever lay another hand on my party members!" she seethed. "Is there no end to your insufferable behavior!?"
Megumin stood next to Darkness and gazed at the self-proclaimed hero with a murderous glean in her crimson eyes. "Touch our leader like that again, and I'll blow you into oblivion," She stated in a deathly calm tone of voice. "Got it?"
Note to self: never get on that kid's blacklist.
Her threat was enough intimidation for Michael to back off in fear. He cleared his throat as I tended to my bruised one. Albinos bruise like bananas, you know.
"Y-Yes, well, I see you two are a Crusader and an Archwizard respectively," He stopped to plainly check out Darkness's exposed nipple from her cracked breastplate. "And very charming ones at that, if you don't mind me saying~"
Seriously? He wasn't even trying to be subtle about it, the dude's just out here staring at her tits in the open! Doesn't this guy know the first thing about rubbernecking?
Wait, hold the phone...Did I just see Darkness actually cover up her chest in what looked like disgust? No way, that did not just happen...did it?
Unholy moly, I think it did. I'm not just seeing things, she honestly does not want this dude checking her out. What's next, the Devil King skating his way to work?
Marlon turned to me as he continued, "You're blessed to have such excellent teammates, yet you make someone like Aqua sleep in a dirty stable. Have you no decency, man?"
Listen to this wisenheimer acting like he's all that and a bag of chips! He's got the wrath of Chase Young and the overinflated ego of Omi all rolled up into the deluxe premium dick package. Also, "excellent teammates"? These chicks are a messy handful, that's what they are!
Okay, well...Aqua takes the gold medal for being the messy handful in my party. Megumin may be a one-trick-pony and a smart aleck, but she's somewhat competent. And as for Darkness…
I'll be honest, I'm not really sure yet. She gives me so many confusing feelings and I don't know what to make of them; social skills aren't exactly my forte. Shame there isn't any I can purchase on my Adventurer Card.
Mitchel spoke to Aqua in a haughty tone, "Aqua, this man isn't worth your time. You and your fine friends should join my party instead! As a humble Swordmaster and predestined hero, I'll make sure to gift you all with the best gear that money can buy. What do you say?"
"Wait, are you seriously trying to swipe my own teammates away from me!?" I cried out. "That's not something good guys do at all!"
He was quick to respond, "Well, you're no good guy yourself."
"Thanks for the compliment – but still, not cool, man! W-We were just starting to click together. Y'know, as a party!"
"Fine, I suppose we'll be chivalrous and let the ladies decide for themselves," Marcus relented before glancing at the girls and giving them a pearly white smile (god I hate this prick). "So, what's going on in those beautiful heads of yours?"
It was then that Aqua "whispered" to her team loud enough for pretty much the whole block to hear. "This guy is trouble with a capital 'T'. He's giving me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies. Plus, he somehow comes across as more narcissistic than Jack. That scares me."
"This man…" Darkness growled while shaking a tightly clenched fist. "Normally, it is I who likes to be beaten black and blue, but this man...he makes me want to punch him in the face without restraint."
"I wanna blow him up," said Megumin. "Lemme blow him up."
I don't believe it. Even after all the crap I've put these ladies through, they're still willing to stick by my side and stand up for me? I think I might've done it: I might've finally found my perfect evil dream team!
I had no choice but to whoop out loud in celebration. Everyone looked at me funny, but I'm used to it! My persistence in maintaining a stable, functioning team has paid off at long last! I had every right to whoop!
I also had the right to gloat in the wannabe hero's face. "HAH! Looks like Jack Spicer's Evil Posse doesn't wanna join your dumb old party after all! Now, if you'll excuse us, it's getting late and we're all tuckered out."
As we strutted away, I made sure to turn back around to show him the "L" on my forehead, officially asserting my dominance.
Alas, my fleeting moment of satisfaction came to an end the second I caught Milo within my peripheral vision. The idiot ran ahead of us and stood in front of our path, trying to block the road. To say the guy was pissed would be like saying that the sun was warm.
"So you're the fabled heir to Spicer Industries!" he accused. "That corporate tycoon you call a family was trying to buy out my father's dream job before I died! Now things just got personal! I know what you're like; I've heard the nicknames people have been calling you around town."
Putting aside the fact that my parents were unintentionally making my new life here more difficult, I got hyped knowing I was the talk of the town. "People are talking about me? Cool! What're they saying? Are they calling me a genius?"
"That and among things. Two noteworthy names I've heard include 'Ghoul Boy' and 'Jack Whiner'."
"I. Do. Not! Whiiiine!" I turned to my teammates. "Why does everyone always say that!? It's so unfair!"
"It's anybody's guess, really..." Megumin stated dryly for some reason.
Ignoring my cries of in-injustice (that's injustice for those who are advocates for injustice), the blonde Japanese jock carried on with what he was saying. "That is why I, Kyouya Mitsurugi , challenge you to a showdown for the loyalty of the beautiful Aqua-sama!"
Again with using the term "showdown". Why not just call a dual, people?
"If you win, she stays with you and I promise to leave your team be. If I win, she rightfully comes with me. And I'll do everything in my power to send her back home."
"Look, if I say yes, will you get out of here?" I asked.
"Only if you win."
"Fine..."
I readied myself into a fighting stance and initiated the showdown: "GONG YI TANPAI!"
My opponent didn't make a move or say anything at all. In fact, everybody around me went silent. It was so quiet, I could actually make out the crickets chirping to indicate evening.
"What was that?" he asked. "Chinese?"
"It literally means, 'let the showdown begin'," I answered tiredly.
"Oh…Well in that case…" The so-called chosen one brandished his cheat item and charged screaming, "GONG YI TANPAI!"
Shit – I'm not ready! What was I thinking accepting his challenge!? He's got an OP enchanted sword while I've got a dinky dagger I bought for dirt-cheap! I'M SCREWED!
Wait, I know!
"Bind!"
Let's see how well he can swing that bulky thing with both hands tied behind his back.
"You think a low-leveled Thief skill like that is gonna stop me!?" Matthew taunted. Without breaking his stride or a sweat, he cut through the speeding ropes like they were made of paper. His sword shined and exuded a dangerously powerful aura similar to that of a Shen Gong Wu. And he was still charging at me with it.
Welp, looks like it's time for Plan B: survive, no matter how degrading!
My HeliBot sprang into action and hovered me away from the bloodthirsty Japanese just as his blade came into contact with the ground I was standing on. Now that I was safe in the air where he couldn't reach me, I proceeded to bombard him with Bind until the off chance he slips up and gets tangled. If he gets to cheat, so do I. I'm the villain here, dammit, I should be the only one allowed to do that!
"Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind! Bind!"
Ugh, it's no use! That dick keeps cutting the ropes like a hot knife through butter! At this rate I'll run out of ropes to use! There's gotta be something else I can throw at him...
I fished around in my pockets with one hand while mindlessly casting Bind with the other. Money pouch? Loose robot components? Nonmagical yo-yo? Wrench? Wrench.
"No honor!" Mickey declared through clenched teeth. "Do you honestly think you can win by hovering in the air and using cheap tactics to wear me down? Everyone was right about you, Ghoul Boy, you really are a slippery push-over! You don't deserve Lady Aqua's hand in -"
There's nothing more satisfying in the world than chucking a hard object at someone and being rewarded with a cartoon-sounding "bonk" on their head.
With a window of opportunity now open, I dive bombed into my disorientated enemy and latched onto his legs in a death grip so he couldn't move. At this point, I didn't know what I was doing. I was just wingin' it!
Marmaduke came to his senses and tried to kick me off, but I wouldn't let him. Irritated, he did everything to pry me off his legs. "What the hell is wrong with you!? Get off me! Let go of my fucking legs!"
He used the flat side of his blade to beat me away while using his free hand to try and rip my arms off. With how crazy strong he was, I knew I didn't have much time left. The hand equipped with the Cursed Sword thingy came really close to my face. It was now or never!
Releasing my grip on Mack's legs, I grabbed onto his arm and the hilt of his sword. Without giving it a second thought, I sank my molars into his wrists and bit down. Hard. My mouth was immediately filled with the bitter taste of iron, but I was determined to go through with my crazy strategy.
The muscle-headed jock screamed in pain and instinctively dropped whatever his injured hand was holding. Bingo! I let go as he pushed me off to apply pressure on his now blood-soaked hand. While he was busy with that, you know I went straight for the sword, baby! I pointed it at the sky above my head and prepared to deliver the final blow…
Only for my adrenaline high to wear off and for my arms to realize the stinkin' thing was as bulky as it looked.
"H-Heavy! HEAVY!"
The sword eventually submitted to the forces of gravity. It clocked the flabbergasted teen on the noggin, making him grunt in surprise. He then submitted to the forces of gravity.
When I looked back at my posse, the girls stared at me with wide eyes like they didn't believe what they saw. I stared down at M-Guy's unconscious form, almost not believing it myself. Everything that happened up until that point kind of a blur for me.
"Wait, I won…?" I asked myself before realizing I had an audience and corrected myself. "Uh, I mean, of course I won! All according to plan! Ha-ha! Not so heroic now, are ya 'o' great chosen one'? Hero? More like zero! Another victory in the name of evil! Mwahahahaha!"
"You coward!"
"Hahahaha – hey, who's trying to undermine my big moment?"
I noticed two girls exit an alleyway, one with lime green hair and one with light pink hair. They were on the verge of tears and calling me names in the middle of the street. Way to kill the mood.
"Coward, coward, COWARD! What kind of cheater uses Mitsurugi's own weapon against him!?"
"You give back Cursed Sword Gram right now! You're not capable of using its powers, let alone holding it upright!"
Oh great, these must be his fangirls. I was so not in the mood to deal with opposing fangirls ready to claw my eyes out. I wish my CheerleaderBots were here to take out the trash.
Also, I can't use the sword's powers? I voiced my question to Aqua and she responded, "…Wha? Oh! Yeah, uh, it's his cheat item, so only he can channel its special powers. It's just a regular sword to anyone else who tries to use it."
Pursing my lips, I inspected the holy artifact that was still lying next to its KO'd owner.
I picked it up the hilt, dragged it away from Mitsurugi, and called back to Lime and Pinky, "Sorry, but it's finders keepers, losers weepers. And since he is the loser, I'll be the one keeping it."
"No, we won't let you! We'll take it back from you, you WORTHLESS coward!"
I stopped walking and stood in place, deaf to the world. I was no stranger to bullying, I had to quickly learn how to handle insults that came my way ever since I was a little kid. As you can imagine, it did wonders for my self-esteem and only got worse with time as my anxieties grew. For the most part, I feel like I've done a pretty decent job managing it all.
But today had left me feeling exhausted, irritated, and drained. Those dumb sluts didn't know it, but they had just tripped into a very personal and very sensitive land mine.
"Y'know…once I rule the world…I'll probably have to round up all the rebels who try to oppose me..."
I slowly and deliberately turned around to stare at them. Seeing two stuck-up bitches cower and tremble under my sharp gaze filled me with pure, unadulterated glee. It made my lips caked with the blood of their idol stretch further into a sadistic grin.
"Maybe you two would work well together slaving away in the salt mines. Not like you'd put up much of a fight anyhow – I mean, look at your boyfriend down there. If he couldn't last a few minutes against me, what the hell kind of chance do you two little shits have? Huh? Well? WELL!?"
I stomped closer, making them flinch away in terror. To really freak them out, my HeliBot's grabber claws came out and made menacing pinching gestures at them.
"What's the matter, too chicken to fight? C'mon, do it! Lemme see whatcha got! SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' WORST! HAHAhahaHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"
Pinky and Lime screamed bloody murder as they ran down the street. Serves them right, the little fucks...
I breathed in and out, in and out, and blinked a couple dozen times. Rubbing my aching temples, I groaned groggily. Maybe staying up late and only getting less than thirty total hours of sleep this past month wasn't a bright idea. Especially considering maintaining a consistent sleep schedule is paramount to adapting to a new environment.
But thinking about it in depth was starting to make my head throb. Again, probably because the lack of sleep was slowly killing my brain. Ugh, fuck it.
Sighing, I turned back to my colleagues. Aqua hugged herself for safety, Megumin hid behind her staff looking more like a scared girl than a proud mage, and Darkness was on the ground blushing/hyperventilating like mad. No doubt she was envisioning herself in Lime and Pinky's shoes.
I awkwardly scratched the back of my neck before clearing my throat, "I uh…haven't been getting good rest lately...I should probably fix that, huh?"
"Yes, you should," answered back two of the three girls. The other one was still in La-La Land.