I couldn't sleep.

I'll admit, pulling frequent all-nighters may have turned me into a bit of an insomniac. When you're constantly pulling at your hair brainstorming ways to defeat supernatural monk warriors, you'd lose track of sleep too. But to be fair, I've always had a habit of staying up late: whether it's to build more robots, play video games, or because the night terrors won't give me a break. Put all that together and you get Jack Spicer, Tired Teen Genius Extraordinaire...

Of course, sharing a "bed" with a living stump grinder doesn't exactly help my sleep schedule either.

While Aqua was happily snoozing away beside me, I was wide awake, staring intently at the wooden ceiling of this sad hovel that was my temporary base.

"Ugh...a rising evil star like me shouldn't have to live in a stable," I complained to myself. "If only a certain goddess has-been would learn to save her money instead of blowing it all on booze…"

A quick glance at said has-been revealed her to be sprawled out over on her side of the bed sheet. She scratched her exposed belly as she continued to sleep the night away. It was honestly jarring how someone who was once a divine entity could sleep like such a slob.

I shifted away from Aqua and switched power saving mode off on my wristwatch. My eyes immediately squinted from the sudden brightness emanating from the LCD screen. After about a minute of adjusting to the small source of light, I checked the current time:

3:05 AM

"Crap," I groaned. "Looks like I won't be getting any shut-eye tonight. Might as well work on the boys."

I know I promised the girls (and myself) that I'd get to sleep, but any hope of that died when I checked the time. If I'm still wide awake and it gets to be that late, I won't be going under anytime soon. I'm just better off doing something productive until either the sun rises or my body shuts down on me. Whichever comes first.

Unfortunately, I've run into a proverbial roadblock at the moment. While I would like to put the finishing touches on my JackBots, I can't access Sandbox Mode because I'm all out of MP. And just when I only needed a small amount of metal too!

"Goddammit..."

Sitting up in frustration from a lack of mana and sleep, I glared at anything I could find in the room. I just felt a strong urge to telepathically channel all of my annoyed vibes at something; y'know, to make me feel better about myself.

But that's when my evil eyes locked onto a tall object leaning by itself in the corner. The moonlight coming from outside our open window reflected off its smooth, sheen, metallic surface.

Cursed Sword Gram...

Since it was that lame-o hero's cheat item, he was the only one capable of activating its powers (kind of like a personalized Shen Gong Wu now that I think about it). In my hands, it was nothing more than a fancy paperweight that was too heavy for me to swing properly.

But…metal is metal.

"And it's free metal to boot. So don't mind if I do~"

Let me tell ya, tiptoeing away from your sleeping roommate while dragging a heavy-ass blade can definitely put some hair on your chest. Maybe one day I'll save up on enough skill points to purchase the Two-Handed Sword skill for future convenience. Regardless, the idea was irrelevant as Cursed Grammy here was on its way to get melted down for spare parts. And bad old Uncle Jack just so happens to know a smithy in his local area.

Tonight was the perfect night for a quick break-in-and-out.

Double-check for oil leaks...adjust any loose bolts...brush off the strands of hay…

"And now the pièce de résistance; the most important piece of them all…The. Emotion. Chip."

I couldn't afford to mess this up. These sensitive little chips were by far the hardest part of the whole process. After melting Cursed Gram down for its precious metal, I spent the rest of the night doing some hardcore coding on my laptop that I had hooked up to a portable generator (both of which were built from scratch ahead of time). But it was worth it, for these puppies are the push my babies need to make the jump from weak AI to strong AI! And I have Mitsubishi's refined taste in weaponry to thank.

Seriously, the metal in that blade was of very high quality. It was the ideal material to form the basis for my robots' emotion chips!

After yesterday's skirmish with that Manticore and Griffin, I doubled down hard on finishing my JackBots. The emotional roller coaster from that encounter turned out to be the wake-up call I needed to quit procrastinating and finish building my mechanized warriors. Frankly, after all the crap that's happened to me since coming here, I'm surprised it took this long for me to finally crack. I thought my former Heylin lackey days would better prepare me for crazy bullshit, but I guess not. This world was on a whole 'nother level of insanity compared to mine.

Oh well, less time spent mulling over it, the better. "Let sleeping dogs lie," as the old saying goes. Or as Cheeseball would phrase it, "Allow snoozing canines to fib".

Did I say phrase it? I meant butcher it like a screaming cow.

Anyway, I still needed to install the last emotion chip and close up JB-CUPC4K3's head. That's right, the same JackBot unit from Attack Squad Sigma, not just a blank slate. I won't bore you with the exceedingly complicated calculations involved, but I managed to rig up a multidimensional network router to access my servers from Earth and transfer my robots' memory files. That's why it never hurts to have backups for whenever your robots get trashed: to preserve their memories and retain their individuality!

Oh, uh, and to extract tactical information from battles. Yeah, that's important too...

While I was at it, I also took the liberty of setting up a new cloud network so that if my JackBots get destroyed in this world, their updated memory files will be automatically sent to my devices provided the emotion chip is still intact. Again, complicated process, I'll spare you the details. Just know that I am a very determined genius when I want to be. If I have to reinvent the whole damn internet (porn and all) just to do something, I will. But thankfully I can just tap into it from across the multiverse!

Using a pair of tweezers, I gently lowered the final emotion chip into place. An amateur engineer would lose their cool about now and drop it into the jungle of wires. However, I am no amateur. I've done this procedure so many times, I could do it with my eyes clo-

"RRREEEEEEhehehe!"

"AHH!"

The horse two stables away let out a neigh that was so loud and sudden, it almost made me snap the chip in half with my tweezers. Bad lord, you'd think that horse was on its way to a glue factory with the way it was screaming! Damn barnyard animals, it's been like that since the first night Aqua and I moved into the stables. And the owner calls us out on being too loud!

"One of these days we're moving outta this dump and into a mansion, I swear…"

I collected myself and installed the chip before my low luck stat could cause more misfortune. I refuse to let anything set me back when it comes to my passion; robotics was pretty much all I had going on for me. It's the one talent I'm best at and I won't let the world take that away from me. I'll conquer it before it gets the chance.

Putting my tools away, I stood proudly in front of my babies all neatly lined up in a row. They were floating via their antigrav systems instead of their propulsion jets because barns are the second most flammable things in existence next to gas stations. The only real downside is that it eats up their power reserves like how I eat up my pudding stash. But hey, that's what the portable generator was for. I designed it to take lamp oil as that was the most common and easily available source of fuel to get around here. So long as I keep it full and the merchants keep supplying the goods, we've got as much power as we need!

"Alright, enough stalling," I said to myself before chuckling at the unintended wordplay. "Let's get this party started, baby!"

I walked around the JackBots and systematically flipped the "ON" switch built into the back of their heads. Upon activation, they proceeded to state the leet designations I so lovingly assigned to them. I refuse to let that outdated form of internet slang die, okay? It was so dumb and stupid and I loved it.

"JB unit B2U1532: Online."

"JB unit C2U5H32: Online."

"JB unit 514Y32: Online."

"JB unit W23CK32" Online."

"JB unit 24V4G32: Online."

"JB unit CUPC4K3: Online."

Bruiser, Crusher, Slayer, Wrecker, Ravager, and Cupcake. Attack Squad Sigma was back in business!

After the JackBots warmed up their systems, I ordered for them to run a self-diagnostic scan just to be sure everything was running at optimal efficiency. As soon as the last of the scan results came up positive, my anxieties melted away like butter.

"All systems are at 100% peak performance, Master," Bruiser reported in a cadence similar to a B1 battle droid.

"Awesome. I was worried about having to fix any bugs," I said. "Also, you guys can drop the formalities, we're not doing anything right now."

"Cool beans," Bruiser expressed, hovering a little closer to the ground to convey he was no longer "standing at attention". Really glad they weren't using their propulsion jets now, the hay on the ground would've caught on fire otherwise.

"Now that that's out of the way, where are we exactly?" Cupcake asked while swiveling his head 360 degrees. "This building does not match with the blueprints of your Fortress of Eviltude."

"Yeah, no offense sir, but this place looks more like where Clay sleeps," Wrecker commented. "I'm grateful you didn't incorporate smell-o-vision into our sensory receptors."

"Well, suppose I should catch y'all up to speed – and there I go sounding like the country bumpkin himself...' I trailed off before shaking my head. "Anyway, let me just give you the condensed version."

Okay, Jack, deep breath. Inhale as much oxygen as your lungs will allow. Here we go...

"IdiedonEarthinanembarrassingwayandgotreincarnatedbyauselessgoddessnamedAquawhoalsoaccompaniesmealongsideanExplosionhappygirlnamedMeguminandamasochisticbuthotCrusadernamedDarknessasweadventureinapseudomedievalworldwithlightJRPGelementstodefeattheDevilKingsothatIcantakehisplaceandruletheworld!"

NAILED IT! I thought I'd pass out before I could get all that out. I trusted the bots to make sense of all that; I've upgraded their audio receptors to decipher my rapid-fire speech long ago. They're one of few things in existence that can actually understand me like that.

Wrecker made a buzzing sound before registering my answer. "Bzzt. Uh…affirmative. Anyway, our partnership logs have already been updated with these people you've described, so there's that. But what do you mean you died and are no longer on Earth?"

"What happened?" asked Slayer.

"Are you okay?" wondered Bruiser.

"Were you assassinated!?" demanded Ravager.

"Was it the work of a saboteur?" inquired Crusher.

"Do you need your security blanket!?" fretted Cupcake.

My robots hovered around me beeping question after question, all wanting to hear the juicy details. In hindsight, maybe it would've been more efficient to preprogram them with knowledge of our situation. But, in my defense, even the most brilliant of geniuses are prone to being absent-minded. Either way, I gave them all a rundown on what happened to me and how I got here, starting with my epiphany in Hong Kong and ending with yesterday's quest.

"After that, I got up off my butt and finished repairing you guys by transferring your data across time and cyberspace. And...I think that just about covers it. Any questions?"

Sigma Squad hovered silently after I finished telling them what their daddy had been up to while they were out. The scans didn't show any errors in their systems, so I was starting to get worried when they didn't say anything. I was about to perform a manual diagnostic on them myself when Crusher thankfully spoke up.

"It's clear to me you've faced many hardships since your arrival. Had we been there, we would've protected and comforted you. A thousand apologies, Master..."

"Hey, you guys hadn't been reconstructed yet. Don't beat yourselves up over something you couldn't control," I gently reassured. "Besides, the rebuilding process would've gone a lot faster if I had a bigger mana pool; it takes a whole night's sleep just to replenish all my magic!"

"While we're on the subject of sleep, how much rest have you gotten?" Slayer asked. "My sensors indicate your natural complexion is 29.8% paler than usual, even when compared to the typical range of albino skin tones. Don't tell me you've been staying up late again...?"

I had a funny feeling they would bring this up. That's what I get for equipping them with advanced sensory technology.

"Heh, well, uh…c'mon guys! It's not like I haven't slept at all since coming here. I've managed to get some sleep...every now and then."

The machines let out a low whistle which indicated they were unsure about something. Seems as though my response wasn't enough to satisfy them.

"Jack, I don't mean to be that bot right now, but humans your age need at least eight to ten hours of sleep in order to function," Ravager cautiously lectured. "And in your case, twelve hours minimum. We all know how cranky you can get otherwise."

"Guys, look, I get it. I don't have the greatest sleep schedule in the world," I said tiredly, having already gone through this song and dance with my robots before. "But I'm doing fine, trust me. When have I ever steered you guys wrong?"

No answer. That's what I thought!

"Exactly. Everything's bad in the neighborhood, which is good for us bad guys! Now, I gotta go meet up with Aqua and the girls at the guild. I'll contact you guys if there's trouble. Copy?"

"Affirmative!" They all confirmed with a salute.

Man, I almost forgot what it felt like to be respected unconditionally. It's still just as sweet as ever!

"JACK SPICER! I've been waiting for you!"

Oh great, the last person I wanted to see. Looks like he's stalking me now.

I didn't even have a chance to make it up the steps to the guild when M-Guy came at me from behind. Those two fangirls of his were tagging along as well, like the gold diggers they were. Although once they spotted me, they rightfully kept their distance. So at least they know their place in my world.

"Fio and Cremea told me you threatened them after cheating your way to victory in our last showdown!" he crowed. "Not only that, but sources say you also like dousing women in rancid slime! You really are no better than Kazuma the Cad!"

"Oh my god, are people still hung up by that slime thing!?" I complained to the sky with my hands raised. "I thought it was like an 'unspoken ritual' for rookies to nearly get eaten by Giant Toads! That is a thing, right?"

Ministration ignored me and continued, "On behalf of all women, I demand that you give my party members a formal apology this instant!"

"You tell him, Kyouya!" cheered the pink one.

"Yeah, make him beg for our forgiveness!" urged the lime one. I don't know or care which one is supposed to be Fio and Cremea. So I'm calling them by their hair colors.

…

Oh wait...they're being serious, aren't they? They honestly expect me to grovel before them after I won unfair and square? HAH! What a buncha losers! I just had to laugh right in their dumb faces, there was no other option!

"Hahahaha! Oh man, that's rich! I can't believe that was actually your revenge plan: ask the bad guy to apologize for kicking your butt! Heh-heh-heh…Yeah, no, beat it."

As I proceeded up the stairs to the guild, Mumbo felt the need to call out in desperation. "WAIT, hold on!"

More curious than annoyed, I glanced back down to see what he could possibly want now. He really looked about as desperate as he sounds.

"Look, forget about apologizing to the girls; that's not what's important here."

Damn! I'm just as stunned as Lime and Pinky over there.

"And I know you're the last person I should ask anything from, but…"

If I wasn't already taken aback by now, I was when the dude started bowing before me. Bowing! Like he's been my loyal subject for all his life! And I didn't even have to assert myself as the new Devil King to make it happen.

"Please give me back my Cursed Sword Gram! If you do, I swear on my hero's oath that I will buy you the second-best sword in all the land! Or I can give you as much as you need to purchase any high-grade equipment! Name your price!"

Name my price, eh? In that case...

"Five million eris. Cash, not check."

"Consider it done."

That actually worked!?

The gullible hero pulled out a money pouch full to bursting and handed it off to me, no questions asked! I opened the sack to count some of the coins and bills, did a couple rough estimations in my head accounting for volume and weight, and concluded that there was – in fact – roughly five million eris stuffed in that tiny burlap bag. Maybe even a little over.

Does...does Mississippi not know the value of the dollar? I get eris is a different currency that relates more to yen than USD, but the point still stands: this dude was economically illiterate! And this is coming from a guy born into a business family who wastes half of his allowance on junk food!

Eh, either way, I'm not looking this gift horse in the mouth. I just made the biggest swindle in my entire villainous career! I'm laughing all the way to the bank, baby!

"I believe that should cover your expenses," said the guy more financially irresponsible than Aqua. "It is but a small price to pay to get my sword back. Now, may I please be reunited with Cursed Sword Gram?"

"Oh, I'm afraid that won't be possible considering how I technically don't have it anymore," I remarked while tossing my booty around in my hands.

There was a slight eye twitch followed by a passing dry chuckle. This should be an interesting watch to unfold. Wish I had popcorn.

"Uh…heh, heh, good one, Jack. But seriously, where is the Cursed Sword Gram?"

"I already told you: it's gone bye-bye. I had it melted down last night to make programming chips. It's not like I could've used it in combat, it was too heavy. That's why I turned it into something that would be more useful to me. Genius, no?"

Mindy's shoulders went slack. His mouth, agape. Eyes, wide as saucers. Worldview, shattered by the one and only Master of Evil!

Eventually, he mustered the inner strength to speak again. "Y-You melted my sword down…my unique and irreplaceable weapon…and you used it to make p-programming chips...?"

Minnie chuckled a little to himself. Then chuckled some more. Soon the chuckles mutated into a full-blown hysterical laugh akin to the Joker. Then he just let out an anguished wail like he watched his whole family die! His two fangirls were naturally getting freaked out over their boy toy losing his marbles in public. Before they could make a move to comfort him, though, he stopped screaming to rage at me.

"First your shitty family buys out my father's dream job, and now you've ruined my second chance at life!" cursed the unhinged Japanese teenager. "Mark my words, Spicer, the Mitsurugi name will be avenged! You hear me!? AVENGED!"

Before I could get a word in edgewise, Mitten ran off, stringing together another set of profanities and curses at my family name. His two fangirls cried out for him as they tried to keep up.

"…Did I unintentionally create an origin story for a possible supervillain? Neat! He was definitely more suited to be a bad guy than a good guy. The evil rant could use some work though."

With five million eris in hand, I strutted inside the guild like I owned the place (because for all intents and purposes, I did). It was inside that I noticed the girls were seated at the bar counter instead of one of the tables. Shaking things up I see. Well, I just made a small fortune, so I'm down for anything today. Let's live a little!

I opened with a zinger, "Hey girls, what's up? And I don't mean the ceiling!"

Megumin groaned overdramatically at my joke while Darkness rolled her eyes and smiled at me.

"Good morning to you too, Jack," the blonde bombshell chuckled. "You certainly seem to be in much better spirits. I trust a good night's rest did you well?"

I was in such a great mood, I was able to lie straight in Darkness's charming face. "Yup! I feel like I can do anything today…Hey, uh, what's with Aqua over there?"

While I was in the middle of congratulating myself on a nefarious job well done, I failed to notice Aqua slumped on the counter with her head buried in her arms.

"Oh yeah, that reminds me, we have some bad news," Megumin sighed. "Our reward money for the Griffin-Manticore kill quest was revoked. My Explosion Magic caused significant property damage to the village's carrot patch. Now the guild is using the posted bounty to cover the damages…"

"And as you can see, Aqua is taking the news quite personally," Darkness added. "She hasn't said a word after Luna came to inform us of our involuntary transgression. I'm worried she might be relapsing into another withdrawn state."

If it were any other day, I might've been worried too. But my luck stat must be pulling out of the red, because today ain't like any other day!

"Pffft! Is that all? Well, look what Uncle Jack managed to scrounge up in his off time!"

I plopped the money pouch onto the counter, the musical sound of coins clinging together inside further stroking my ego. The stunned reactions coming from Megumin and Darkness were priceless I tell ya.

However, their reactions were dwarfed by Aqua's reaction to my five mil. All of a sudden, she pulled her head out of arms and sniffed the air around her like were some kind of bloodhound. When her nose led her to the money pouch, her eyes widened and sparkled with life again.

"Jack-Jack! You brought us 5,425,369 eris?" she gasped excitedly. "You really are the best! Now mama can buy herself her morning beer!"

I was so put off wondering how Aqua could sniff exact change, I didn't bother to stop her from scooping a handful of my dough. But she did say there was 5.4 million eris in that bag...apparently. I'll let it slide for now. But she better not expect any more handouts.

"There's over five million in that one pouch!?" the Archwizard choked in surprise. "Where in the name of the Dark God did you get all that money!?"

Darkness eyed me suspiciously. "You didn't steal this from the bank, did you? Petty theft is one thing, but I will not turn a blind eye to a serious crime."

I gladly indulged in the girls' questions by recapping the run-in I had with that lame excuse for a hero. Meanwhile, Aqua used her handful of eris to spot us all breakfast.

"So after he blindly gave away a small fortune he had in his pants, I dropped the bomb and told him I already melted his sword down for robot parts last night! You should've seen the look on that meathead's face!"

Strangely enough, Megumin interrupted my maniacal laughing to point something out. "Wait, you melted down his sword last night? I thought you said you finally got some rest..."

Aqua slammed her mug after taking a big gulp and added, "Hey, that reminds me! When I woke up this morning, Jack wasn't lying next to me in our haystack. He was in that spare stable working on his robot thingies again!"

Uh-oh, I've been caught. Wuya was right, I really do need to learn to think before I speak.

"Fine, so I pulled another all-nighter!" I admitted in exasperation (seems like everyone's trying to be a helicopter parent today). "I tried going to sleep but I just couldn't, okay!? Can't fault an insomniac for at least trying…"

Dark rested her arms on the counter top and studied my face as she spoke. "Jack...I can see bags forming under your eyes, even underneath all that eyeliner."

"Still can't believe you put on makeup," Aqua snorted, sticking her nose where it doesn't belong. "Are you sure you're the only guy in the party?"

"Zip it!" I demanded with a stern finger point. "It's my own take on villainous cosmetics, something you wouldn't understand."

"As I was saying..." Darkness continued with a flat look. "You have some pretty heavy bags under your eyes. We're concerned for your well-being, as should you. Burning the candle at both ends is not a healthy lifestyle."

I'm sorry, but if I couldn't trust my own parents to look after me growing up, I can't trust you girls with that either. Call it being paranoid or insecure, but I'm not ready to open up to these three just yet. I'm still bracing myself for the day they inevitably throw me under the bus.

"Girls, girls, please. I can take care of myself. Besides, I'm not even that tired -"

A huge yawn suddenly escaped my mouth the second it was open wide enough. Steeling my nerves, I swiftly slapped both cheeks and put a stop to that. My face stung, but it had to be done.

"…See? Not tired!"

Aqua and Megumin didn't seem convinced. As for Darkness…

"Uh, h-how much force did you apply to your cheeks just then? A-Asking for a friend."

"Oh, sure, I bet 'Chris' is just dying to know," I snarked, unwittingly encouraging the pervert's fetish. I keep forgetting I can't be my usual rude self to her without it being twisted into something sexual.

"How about we change the subject?" suggested the party's designated pyrotechnician. "There's something I've been meaning to ask Aqua about anyway."

Megumin turned to the blue girl munching on fried toad legs and tapped her shoulder. Once Aqua took notice, she got straight to the point. "That Mitsurugi guy kept calling you 'goddess' for some reason, and there was talk about him and Jack being 'reincarnated'. What was that all about?"

Aqua and I locked eyes with one another. We never thought about what would happen if our teammates asked these sort of questions. We were fine lying to Yunyun and Satou since the former was too shy to visit and the latter was already from Earth. But we couldn't exactly keep our associates in the dark forever. They were bound to find out sooner or later.

With a huff of air, I decided to come clean. "Megumin, Dark, I think it's time we told you the truth about us. See...I'm not from around here..."

As soon as I noticed Megumin raising a finger and opening her mouth to respond, I immediately cut her off. "And when I say 'I'm not from around here', I don't mean that in the 'I'm from another kingdom' kind of way. No, I mean I'm not from this world. I come from a technologically advanced planet called Earth in the Milky Way galaxy somewhere in the multiverse. Aqua was the one who brought me to your world here."

Aqua didn't even bother to wipe the crumbs off her face when she brazenly spoke up. "He's right, and I can vouch for him! For you see, I am no ordinary Archpriest. I am secretly Goddess Aqua! Yes, the one and only Goddess Aqua of the Axis Sect.! The Council of Heaven selected me to guide and reincarnate the souls of teenaged humans who die in a specific region of Earth! We're sorry for not telling you sooner by the way. We were worried you wouldn't be able to handle the truth."

…

Y'know...hearing the premise of our situation surmised like that out loud...even I don't buy it.

Aqua and I stared intently into Darkness and Megumin's eyes. It became an awkward co-op staring contest for as long as any of us could remember. Finally, after what felt like a friggin' year, the Crusader and Crimson Demon gave their responses respectively.

"EEEHHH!? You mean...you're really the Goddess Aqua? As in senior to the Goddess Eris!?" Darkness proceeded to bow on one knee and lower her head in what I assumed was respect. "Even though I am a faithful devotee to your junior, I should still feel blessed and honored to have a divine being such as yourself in my humble party. From the bottom of this lowly Crusader's heart, I thank thee..."

Megumin twirled her staff high in the air and aimed it at Aqua, who leaned back in response. Despite being indoors where there was no draft, her cape managed flutter behind her dramatically. "OF COURSE! How could I have not detected it sooner with the wicked powers of my forbidden sixth sense? You are indeed a holy entity sent forth by the realm of the gods to test me for my explosive prowess!"

The little mage slammed her staff and covered her face with her left gloved hand, leaving her middle and ring fingers open a crack to peek out with her right eye. "Very well then...I accept your challenge! When thou hast returned home, let your kind know that I, Megumin, the Crimson Demon Clan Genius, am ready to join your ranks in godhood..."

And here I thought I had a god complex…or was that an inferiority complex?

"Hang on, time out, hold your horses and the phone!" I blurted out loud. I needed to make absolutely sure we were all on the same page here. "So…you two believe me when I say I come from another world, right?"

"Right," they said at the same time.

"And that also means you believe Aqua is a goddess who reincarnated me, right?"

"Right," they said again.

Yet when I say I'm evil incarnate, you don't buy!? Wow, okay, wow; I'm getting real fucking sick of this shit.

"To be honest, I've always suspected you weren't native to Belzerg," Darkness explained. "The signs that you were a foreigner were present: your clothes, accent, odd sayings, they all pointed to you being from out of town at the very least. Why, your bewilderment of things we consider mundane was practically a dead giveaway! Though given this recent revelation, I understand now why our creatures and customs might've come across as shocking for you."

Megumin elaborated, "Yeah, and as for Aqua being a goddess, we've seen her do some pretty extraordinary stuff to back it up: like the time she lifted that death curse off of Darkness. Not even the most advanced magic users can single-handedly perform such a feat with ease. Then there was yesterday when she attracted a wandering undead; only people and objects with a divine aura can do that. Heck, she shares the same name as the Axis cultists' deity of worship! At this point, it would be harder to believe she isn't a goddess."

Aqua raised her chin snootily from all the talk and praise she was receiving. She gazed at me with lidded eyes and spoke in that condescending tone I've heard way too often in my life. "Sorry, Jackie. I suppose it can't be helped that I've enamored them with my divine powers and charm. You'll just have to take a back seat while I carry this team to success~"

Oh no, this is worse than I thought. Not only do they still not believe I'm evil, but they've fully accepted Aqua as a genuine goddess! If I'm not careful, she could easily take over my position as leader! I need to do something to knock her down a peg before her ego floats off into space.

"Wipe your mouth, you've got schmutz all over your face."

I expected to get some kind of reaction out of Aqua, and boy did she deliver. Her eyes snapped open, she licked some of the crumbs off the corner of her lips, and she turned her whole body away to furiously wipe her mouth with her sleeve while uttering, "You suck!"

My laughter was cut off by the PA system announcing an emergency at the front gates again. It also stated for my party specially to report as well. I felt a foreboding cramp in the pit of my stomach when I heard that.

Everyone in the guild murmured amongst themselves about us as they all got up to head to the gates. All the adventurers dropped their gossiping when they saw what the emergency was all about, and I didn't need to expend any brainpower figuring out why once the crowd parted for me.

The Headless Horseman's stepson was back in town.

"Cabbage Ninja, Archpriest, Crazy Crimson girl...do you think this is funny? Is this your idea of a joke? Well? IS IT!?"

The pulsating dark energy flared around him and his decapitated horse neighed demonically, putting the horse living in the stable next-door to shame. "WHY DO YOU KNAVES KEEP BOMBARDING MY CASTLE!?"

What!? How was that possible? We hadn't bothered him after he threatened us the first time around. I even brought this up to him.

"What are you talking about? We've entered a ceasefire!" I hollered.

"A ceasefire!? How dare you lie to my face, impudent knave!" The Dullahan cried, nearly throwing his own head to the ground in frustration before realizing how bad of an idea that was. "That little arsonist of yours continues to cast Explosion Magic on my home! Since you seem to be her party leader, that must mean you are the one responsible for these continued acts of aggression!"

Slowly, and deliberately, I turned around to face the aforementioned arsonist. She was currently looking everywhere else except at me.

As much as I wanted to smack her upside the head for dooming us all, I was raised not to hit a girl unless defending myself. That being said, I wasn't raised to not roughly pull their hats down over their heads until they begged for mercy.

"Ow-Ow-OW! Stop it, Jack, cut it out!" she cried.

"I thought we agreed to leave him alone, Megumin! We even pinkie promised! Did that mean nothing to you!?" I cried angrily.

Reluctantly, I let the Crimson Demon go to allow her a chance to explain herself. She glanced down at her boots as she said, "W-Well, you see...up until recently, casting Explosion on an empty field was enough for me. But ever since tasting the pleasure of blowing up a castle, it's different…"

Megumin paused, then disturbingly rubbed her staff while fidgeting. "Now I have to unleash on something big and hard in order to feel satisfied~"

"Ew. Remind me to never touch your staff," I remarked in disgust before realizing something. "But hang on...you can't move after you use your magic! That means you must've had an accomplice to carry you home! So who -"

Suddenly, I heard what sounded like someone blowing a raspberry. I found Aqua looking the other way, trying to pass off her mouth farts as innocent whistling. When she glanced at me, she chuckled nervously.

"I-I mean, it is that guy's fault there aren't any easy quests anymore. So I wanted to help Megumin get back at him for it. Heh…heh…"

I'm surrounded by suicidal morons!

The Demon General's booming voice forced us to focus on the matter at hand. "Hear me, mortals! I am Beldia: a Knight who was unjustly sentenced to death and reborn as a Dullahan through my grudge! Though I may now serve the Devil King, I still like to hold onto my old Knight sensibilities. Which is why I find it most appalling that none of you have come seeking retribution for your ally's death! In my opinion, that Crusader was a a true protector of the people! She used her own body to shield you from my Herald Death and you repay her with apathy? Disgraceful! What would she think of you if she were still here – IS THAT FUCKING HER RIGHT NOW!?"

Beldia lost his cool when he saw Darkness, alive and kicking, step out from the crowd. Call me crazy, but I think she was actually blushing from genuine modesty instead of arousal. What's next? Psychokinetic aliens coming down to tell us we only have magic powers because they mated with ancient man?

No, don't be ridiculous, Jack. Earth humans mated with this world's people, not aliens...

I miss my old, scientific worldviews.

"G-Gosh! You really think that highly of me?" Darkness questioned meekly to the flabbergasted Beldia. "I'm just doing my job, really..."

The fields of Axel were especially quiet now, a complete one-eighty to how it was just minutes ago. But that didn't last for very long.

"How!? How could you possibly still be alive!?" Beldia shouted. "It's been well over a week since I cursed you!"

That's when Aqua went into a riot, laughing her empty little head off. "Oh man, get a load of this guy! Silly old Beldia didn't know I dispelled his curse as soon as he left! He's just been waiting for us to come to his castle this whole time! HAH! I bet he was pacing around in his room like a little kid waiting for his playmate!"

Aqua, you might wanna tone it down. The Dullahan was radiating some serious murder energy right now.

"Insolence! I should slaughter every inhabitant of this backwater town!" fumed the Demon General. "No mere novice shall make a fool out of -"

"Yeah, whatever!" Aqua shouted indignantly as she raised a hand to Beldia. "Turn Undead!"

The Dullahan was enveloped in a raging pillar of light. He screamed in agony along with his steed before the latter disintegrated entirely. The light faded and Beldia was left rolling on the ground, writhing in pain.

"Wait, that's not right..." Aqua muttered worriedly. "My magic wasn't effective!"

"You kiddin'? It seemed effective to me. Super effective even!" I argued.

I watched Beldia stand back up and carefully pick his head off the ground. One of his eyes lit up as he regarded Aqua. "Such a spell...! You…you can't possibly be a novice, can you? I thought only low-leveled adventurers lived in this town! Perhaps there really is something to my investigation here after all..."

Dusting himself off, the decapitated man composed himself and proclaimed, "No matter! For I shall leave no witnesses left alive to -"

"Sacred Turn Undead!"

Beldia was once again zapped by a divine ray of light courtesy of Aqua, except this one seemed much more intense than the last. Just like before, he rolled around on the ground wailing in pain.

"Yup, it's official: my purification magic isn't strong enough to one-shot him," Aqua sighed.

"Again, I still think you did quite a number on him," I reassured.

After scooping up his head a second time, Beldia cast dark magic to shroud the area in front of him in a black mist. What came next were dozens upon dozens of necrotic hands freeing themselves from the earth. The owners of the hands crawled out of the ground and revealed themselves to the world as hideous zombies, all armed to the teeth with medieval weapons and armor. A real Army of Darkness moment! All we needed now was Ash Williams to come in with his Boomstick and say, "Groovy"!

"I may not be keen on killing the weak myself, but the same cannot be said for my minions. It's a Devil King's Army tradition to let the underlings take care of the rabble..." Beldia growled, straightening himself up like the army general he was. "Undead Knights! Raze this pathetic town to the ground! Leave none left alive!"

So...the boss was sending in his underlings to do the dirty work for him, huh? Classic villain move, I'll give him that. In fact, I think this was the perfect opportunity for me to finally settle the age old debate of robots vs zombies. Take a wild guess where my money's on.

Sensing my time to shine, I calmly stepped forward from my group in order to meet the general halfway across the field. My teammates questioned my actions while also warning me to back off, but I ignored them. No way was I gonna pass this up.

Beldia said nothing to me as I met him halfway. It's likely he was curious and wanted to "humor" me for a bit. Once I stopped walking, I took a brief moment to scrutinize his small army.

"So your idea of minions are mindless, rotting corpses?" I taunted cheekily. "Ooooo~! I'm sooooo scared~! What ever shall I do against enemies that already died once before?"

Never mind the fact this could also be applied to me technically.

"I don't believe this..." Beldia huffed in obvious amusement. "You're actually taunting me. You must be incredibly foolish to get this close simply to mock, boy."

"How could I NOT mock?" I countered. "Anybody who's played the Goo Zombies games knows that zombies are basic bitch minions. My minions, on the other hand, are in a league of their own. They'll wipe the floor with your glorified maggot farms like it's nothing!"

"What in the name of the Devil King's Daughter are you on about? Surely you don't mean those three maidens in your party? I'll admit, the Archpriest has some bite to her, and that Crimson Demon's Explosion is indeed powerful. But not even they will be able to withstand a raging horde of Undead Knights! Isn't that right, men?"

The zombies gargled a malicious war cry while raising whatever weapons they had into the air. I inputted the call command in my communicator without so much as glancing down.

"Oh, the girls aren't my minions..."

Soon the nostalgic sound of soaring jet engines pierced the air. When the undead group looked above my head, they somehow managed to convey bewilderment through their skeletal faces. Heck, even Beldia seemed to be baffled, and his head's face was hidden underneath that helmet.

"These are my minions!"

After no doubt shitting bricks at the sight of my homemade henchmen, Beldia made a jab in an attempt to downplay the situation.

"Six oddly-shaped golems against twenty Undead Knights? Unconventional, to say the least. But ultimately futile."

"Golems?" I heard one of the JackBots repeat back to the others. "That's a new one."

"Beats being called tin cans..." another stated plainly.

I don't care if that technically was a less insulting term, nobody writes my boys off as mere golems!

"Hey! My JackBots are NOT golems! They are robots! Say it with me now: rah-oh-bots! Got it? Automatons and droids are also acceptable."

My words must've gone in one ear and out the other because the hulking Neanderthal didn't acknowledge my clarification in any way. Instead, he pointed a finger at me.

"Undead Knights! Rain hell upon this arrogant upstart!"

Oh yeah? Well I got the better catchphrase!

"JackBots: ATTACK!"

As Beldia's mob charged, Attack Squad Sigma entered melee mode by extending their retracted hands and switching their clawed digits for saw blades. Once those blades whirred to life, they flew directly into the Undead Knights at Godspeed.

The following battle would be a worthy contender for the crowning achievement in JackBot history since protecting me from Wuya's rock monsters. Despite the glaring number disadvantage, my boys fiercely stood their ground...air? You know what I mean, they had no problems holding their own against the Undead Knights. Assuming Beldia's goons were lucky enough to even land a hit, the damage they inflicted was negligible. All the monsters had to show for their efforts were some light scratches and a couple of small dents.

Titanium armor plating sure was the bee's knees. A supernatural Chinese monk might be able to punch through it, but a reanimated corpse? Not a chance.

The intrusive buzzing of rapidly spinning saw blades dominated the battlefield as the JackBots mowed down the competition. Although I did wince at the sight of rotted blood and guts being spilled and had to look away. I may have been somewhat desensitized to gore from slaying monsters and watching horror movies, but I'd still rather not see the real thing. Hope I can control my gag reflex when I go to wash the zombie viscera off my JackBots later...

The Undead Knights were all torn to shreds like used tissue paper. Their deteriorated bodies and incomplete armor sets did not do them any favors. All that was left was a large, unmoving pile of dismembered limbs and torsos. Thank Romero these zombies didn't operate on Return of the Living Dead logic, or we'd be here for a while.

I looked back at the Devil King General and grinned sadistically. "Well, would you look at that? Looks like I have the better minions after all. Told ya they were in a league of their own!"

"SO FREAKING COOL!"

Unfortunately, during my gloating of the enemy, that shrill exclamation made me flinch in surprise. I angrily whipped around to locate the source.

Using my Farsight skill to look back at the town gate, I easily outed an ecstatic Megumin as the likely suspect. While Aqua, Darkness, and the rest of the adventurers seemed downright stunned at what they just witnessed, the Crimson Demon was the pumped the fuck up. It was great to receive some recognition, don't get me wrong, but not when it also kinda undermines my big moment.

"Did you really make those things yourself, Jack? That's insane!" Megumin hollered across the field. "Those have gotta be some of the coolest golems I've ever seen!"

"I just said they're robots, get it right!" I shouted back in frustration. Why do I get the feeling that was going to become an annoying pattern in the future?

Never mind, Beldia was speaking again. "So...it would seem your 'robots' have dispatched all of my Undead Knights, even with the buffs bestowed upon us by the Devil King. Impressive…"

"Thanks~!" I responded, genuinely flattered.

"Impressive for a COWARD that is!"

Backhanded compliments...should've known.

"Hiding behind warriors doesn't make you a man, it makes you a gutless whelp!" Beldia chastised, seemingly not realizing the hypocrisy of his own words. "Those creations of yours may have defeated my underlings, but they have yet to take me on!"

The former Knight assumed a battle stance (as well as one can perform while cradling their own head) and the JackBots took the initiative of circling him.

"Your move, Cabbage Ninja…" he taunted.

I think I see what was going on here. He's baiting me into attacking first so that he can do…something. Don't know what that something is exactly, but it's never a good sign if the enemy is willing to let you throw the first punch.

Luckily, I still had the element of surprise on my side. Beldia doesn't know about the bots' secondary laser-fire mode; he's probably expecting them to rush in with their saw blades again. Even though he was heavily protected by stainless-steel armor, his thighs, abdomen, and inner forearms were left completely exposed…

"JackBots: OPEN FIRE! AIM FOR HIS BODYSUIT!"

"My what!?" Beldia squawked.

Attack Squad Sigma retracted their bladed arms in favor of their chest-mounted plasma rifles. Within seconds, highly concentrated energy blasts were fired upon the general's weak spots. The best part? It was actually working!

The Dullahan suffered from intense spasms with each new shot directed at his bodysuit. Speaking of, it actually reminded me of Darkness's own bodysuit. I think that's what sparked a subconscious chain of events wherein I connected bodysuits with pain and sensitivity. Guess I owe it to that perv and her flaming masochism.

Soon Beldia knelt before the unrelenting onslaught of lasers. My boys closed in on their target to shorten the traveling distance of the plasma beams, making them more concentrated and deadly. Just when it seemed like a clean victory was imminent, Murphy's law reared its ugly head.

Or rather tossed it.

With a guttural roar, Beldia threw his own head high up into the air. Before it could succumb to the forces of gravity, however, it ominously remained frozen in the sky. Then, in an underwear-changing turn of events, the horrifying mirage of a large fiery eye encompassed it. It almost made the head look like a functioning...pupil…

Oh no.

"Uh, JackBots...?"

I tried to call out to my homeboys, but my efforts were in vain. Beldia's body was already slipping past every single one of their plasma shots with speed rivaling Chase Young's. Most of the misfires turned into friendly fires due to the squad shooting in a tight circle. It was the battle for the Mind Reader Conch all over again!

To make things even worse on my end, Beldia pulled out a ginormous sword from out of nowhere and performed a devastating spin-slash maneuver. After he stopped spinning, nothing happened for a while. Did his attack whiff or what...?

Well, I'd get my answer in the form of Crusher falling apart from a horizontal cut in the middle of his chassis.

Ravager, Bruiser, Wrecker, Slayer, Cupcake, it was the same for all of them. All cut in half by the Headless Horsemen's stepson. Weeks of blood, sweat, and tears down the drain! I just...I'm gonna puke fucking blood, man – that's how dogshit unfair this all was!

"Who's next?"

And just like that, we're back to crippling fear and anxiety.

The eye mirage had already disappeared and Beldia's head was secured in his left hand again. In his right was a sword twice the length and width of my body. And he was calmly approaching me with it.

"O-O-Okay, easy there, buddy!" I stammered nervously while backing away. "Tell ya what, you strike me as a reasonable man. How about we cut a deal?"

"How about I cut you instead?"

Beldia dashed towards me with his inhuman speed. The only thing I could do was wince.

But instead of a big-ass sword to the gut, a mini shockwave knocked me off my feet. I barely got the words out of my mouth when I fell.

"Darkness!?"

"Stay behind me!" she ordered. "I can take him!"

An undead Knight and a living Crusader, clashing swords in a fierce stalemate right in front of me. It would've been cool to watch if my life wasn't on the line.

"Vile fiend!" Darkness grunted. "You struck them all down…YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"

"They were but metal shells imitating life!" Beldia callously stated. "What makes you care?"

"If they were alive to my friend...then they were alive to me, dammit!"

Wow...did she really mean that?

"And now…never will I get to taste the sweet punishment they had the potential to dish out!"

Please don't drag my children into your weird fantasies. Appreciate the sentiment, just don't make it sexual.

Changing tactics, Beldia went all out on the offensive, Darkness playing the obvious defensive role. For someone who couldn't hit the broadside of a barn, she was surprisingly adept at blocking attacks with her sword.

But then she made the fatal mistake of actually trying to attack.

"DIE, HOLY CRUSADER!"

It happened so fast. There was the distinct sound of metal cutting through metal. Then came a wet crunch, followed by dripping noises. Darkness wobbled slightly and coughed.

Then she went down.