It…happened so fast. My head was still spinning trying to process it all.
Darkness was doing just fine one minute, blocking Beldia's attacks with surprising speed. But all it took was one opening in her defenses to leave her on the ground, coughing up specks of blood into a growing red puddle.
It was hard watching her scramble to retrieve her sword and lean on it like a cane. Worse still, now that her front body was facing me, I was forced to bear witness to the hideous gash going from her right collarbone all the way down to her left hip. My heart sank into my stomach.
But why? Why was I getting so worked over Darkness? It wasn't just the nausea setting in from seeing all that blood, there was something else at play. Maybe my worry stems from Beldia's show of power; it's obvious now that he's way stronger than a Griffin or a Manticore if he can make Darkness bleed like that. Y-Yeah, that has to be it! That's the only logical explanation. I'm sure of it…mostly.
Amazingly, Darkness took a page right out of Theodore Roosevelt's book and stood up in spite of her injury. Not if I had anything to say about it!
"Darkness, PLEASE just surrender already! Let me talk to him, I'm sure we can still make a deal!"
"NO! I am a Crusader!" She insisted with conviction. "I will not stand down while innocent lives are at stake! My duty is to PROTECT!"
Her damn heroism was only going to get her killed in the long-run!
The critically wounded Crusader turned to face the approaching headless Knight. Although it seems even that had become difficult for her judging by the way she was breathing funny.
"B-Besides…" She gasped. "This man knows exactly what he is doing~"
…what?
No. No-no-no-no-NO! You can't tell me that's why she was breathing funny all of a sudden! You just can't! I refuse to believe it!
Beldia halted his progress towards her when she made that suggestive comment. "Hmm? What nonsense slips from thine tongue, Crusader?"
"Oh-ho-ho, don't you try to play dumb with me!" Darkness accused, pointing a finger at the general. "You have been assessing my armor's weak points and mentally undressing me while doing so! Instead of stripping it all away like a creepy old undead man, you are deliberately choosing which parts to leave intact! You wish to publicly humiliate me by leaving fleeting glimpses of my naked flesh between the cracks of my armor and bodysuit!"
That's what this was all about, wasn't it...? The wound Beldia inflicted didn't truly faze her. Did muscles-for-brains here never believe she was in any real danger!?
Short answer: yes. By some wonder of the universe, this hardcore sub managed to turn her dire situation into something kinky...how is one even supposed to respond to that?
Darkness took a step towards Beldia, who promptly stepped back out of newfound embarrassment (or possibly even fear). "You fiend! Standing there plotting where your next blow will land! Very well, if that is the perverted game you wish to play then hit me! C'mon, give me your best shot! MY BODY IS READY!"
"Wha-? I-? No, shut up, please!" Beldia pleaded. "Th-These people will get the wrong idea about me!"
I remembered being so frustrated at that moment that my toes curled in anger. That dumb female jock had me thinking she was dying! But no, as per usual, I was just being a paranoid idiot! And now she was back to her usual shenanigans like nothing ever happened. So yeah, excuse me for being just a wee bit fucking salty!
"For once, would you please consider the time and place, woman!?" I shouted without thinking. "Now is not the time to get your freak on! Save it at night for when the other freaks come out!"
The masochist flinched at my words before turning to address me. "Y-You consider the time and place yourself, Spicer! It's already taking all my willpower to endure the public flogging from this closet sex fiend! I don't need you throwing insults at me too! Unless…you two are taking turns berating me? What delicious torment are you and this Dullahan planning together~!?"
"W-We're not planning anything!" Beldia hastily corrected. "And I'm not a closet sex fiend!"
"Yeah, just what do you take us for?" I added. "We may be evil but we at least have some standards!"
Before this insane conversation had the chance to further descend into chaos, a small pool of water suddenly formed over Darkness and Beldia. The headless Knight jumped out of the way while the horny Crusader got totally drenched. I don't know who did that or what they were trying to accomplish with it, but at least it shut those two up.
A familiar high-pitched voice cried out, "Cursed Lightning!"
I whipped my head around to find it was Yunyun of all people. Magic electricity crackled from the girl's fingertips and lashed out at the puddle beneath Darkness like a whip. Even though Beldia had moved out of the way of the splash zone, he was still standing in enough of the puddle to also get zapped. Their conducive metal armor combined with the water produced a shocking result, pun and all. The currents of magical electricity surged throughout their bodies as the twitches intensified.
I probably should've freaked out seeing her in that state, but I didn't. Especially after that fake scare she gave me with the sword injury. If that girl could tank two Explosions, two beasts of myth, and one Demon General while getting off from it, she'd be fine. I don't even know what I was worried about before.
Of course, that didn't mean Yunyun saw it that way.
"DARKNESS! I'm so sorry! That was meant for the Dullahan, not you!" she apologized intensely. "I was under pressure and Kazuma pushed me into doing it! Please forgive me!"
"PHRASING, Yunyun, PHRASING!" emphasized the Japanese teenager, who had suddenly materialized out of thin air behind Beldia. "The plan was I douse him with water while you zap him, weakening him enough for me to steal his weapon! But now you made me lose the element of surprise by making me sound like total scum! Look - now every woman is looking at me with disgust!"
"Oh? Planning to steal my blade, were you?" Beldia mocked, turning around to face Kazuma with reformed confidence. Did he not realize he had just been electrocuted or was he simply that strong? "I would love to see you try. No really, go ahead, I insist. Let us see what you are made of, knave!"
Kazuma growled at the cocky boss before sticking his palm out. "Underestimating us rookies was your first mistake! Steal!"
The "animation" for the Steal skill played out exactly the same as when Chris first demonstrated it to me. After the flash died down, Kazuma was left with...absolutely nothing in his hand. In fact, he might as well have had his dick in it since that's about all he was caught with.
Beldia chuckled menacingly. "A decently clever tactic lacking in execution. Even if your plan worked as intended, a low-leveled Adventurer's Steal wouldn't have been enough to take my broadsword. Say goodbye to your precious friends and city!"
"Oh yeah!? Just wait till Mitsurugi gets here!" A random mage from the crowd shouted, causing Beldia to turn around while Kazuma slipped away with the Lurk skill. "One strike from his blade, Cursed Sword Gram, and you're history!"
That got the rest of the crowd riled up with cheers of anticipation. I, on the other hand, was sweating major bullets. They didn't know that all that remained of Cursed Sword Gram was small programming chips...
My eyes wandered to the sad ring of cleanly sliced JackBot torsos twenty paces behind Beldia. I then shakily looked back at my other two companions over by the gate. They only had concerned shrugs to offer.
There was a small chance I may have Jacked up royally here.
Despite clearly being outclassed, Kazuma managed a smirk at the Dullahan. "Assuming I didn't have a backup plan was your second mistake. Freeze!"
Using another Basic Magic skill, the Japanese summoned a small but frigid gust of wind around the puddle Beldia was standing in. The water quickly turned to ice as the Demon General's boots became frozen in place along with it. Of course, because Darkness was also standing in the same puddle, her boots were frozen in place as well. And she moaned in delight about the sudden cold as was expected.
"HAH! You're certainly a crafty one, I'll give you that!" Beldia commended, pointedly ignoring Darkness's masochistic episode as we all were. "But it's going to take a lot more than this to -"
"YES! Now's my chance!" shouted an excitable little pyromaniac from within the crowd.
"Huh!?"
Hearing melodramatic chants and feeling the winds changing, that was my cue to duck and cover. Kazuma had already Lurked out of there the moment Megumin made her declaration, and I quickly flew back into the crowd of adventurers with my HeliBot. While most everybody already knew Darkness was capable of taking a hit from Explosion, it still didn't stop some people from fretting over her as she remained frozen to the ground along with Beldia.
"Oh no...YOU WOULDN'T!" Beldia cried out in fear, frantically trying to pull his legs out of the ice while Darkness didn't even bother. "We're so close to town! A-And your companion is right here with me! You wouldn't dare cast -"
"EX-PLOOOOOOO-SION!"
The fiery column of destructive magic fell upon Beldia like a nuke. Everyone including me ducked down and covered our heads as the earth trembled and the heat grew intense. Amazingly, Darkness was somehow blown back from the Explosion, flying towards the crowd before hitting the front gates and falling. With any luck (though I'm not counting on it), maybe the JackBot remains also got blown away instead of disintegrated?
Once the dust had finally settled, all that could be seen was another giant crater the construction workers were going to have to fill back in with dirt afterwards. The little Archwizard stood still as a look of satisfaction spread across her face.
"Ahhhh~ My first ever Explosion on a proper Devil King General. What a milestone~"
She then promptly faceplanted.
"Piggyback please," Megumin muffled to me on the ground.
Rolling my eyes, I lifted the out-of-commission mage onto my back as the adventurers all around me cheered. I couldn't help but smirk a little in triumph at the results. Aside from Darkness, there was pretty much nothing that could withstand Megumin's...oh COME ON!
"He's still standing!?" I shouted in annoyed disbelief.
"What!?" Megumin cried from my back, albeit more annoyed than me. "Impossible! That kill belonged to the great and powerful Megumin!"
Everyone quickly shut up as they too noticed Beldia crawl his way out of the crater Megumin had made. He definitely did not come out of the attack unscathed: he was covered disembodied head to toe in ash and his armor was in serious need of repair. So not only could this thing survive two blasts of holy magic, plasma bolts, and high voltage electricity...but EXPLOSIONS too!? Crusaders and Knights really were a different breed when it came to defense stats!
"Crazy...you're all crazy...!" Beldia muttered loudly to himself, his single eye poking out from the helmet and staring intently at us. "I'm going to end this craziness once and for all!"
Before Beldia could charge at us or summon more Undead Knights, he got cut off by Darkness sprinting from the crowd to try and...well, cut him off. Keyword being try, though.
"I grow tired of these interruptions!"
The delirious and enraged Dullahan unleashed a flurry of sword slashes on Darkness. He was too fast for her to block with her sword, so she simply tanked each blow with her body.
I had to come up with something or that was gonna be me getting chopped! Belida's head was the obvious weak spot, but how to exploit it? What if I were to use Bind to tie his hands up so that he'll drop it? No, that won't work. It seems low-leveled skills are automatically negated by enemies whose Level is higher than the caster. Kazuma's failed Steal attempt perfectly highlighted that. C'mon, teen genius, there's gotta be another way to weaken him!
"Water…"
With a yelp, I checked my side to find Kazuma deactivating his Lurk skill while muttering to himself.
"What?" I asked.
"That might be his weakness!" he explained with fervor. "Did you see how quick Beldia was to dodge out of the way of my Create Water spell? Vampires and evil spirits hate water, maybe the same applies to Dullahans as well!"
"But isn't that with holy water?" I questioned with a raised brow. "What's so special about the water summoned from Create Water? It's not like it's blessed by a Priest or anything, is it?"
"I don't know, but he obviously doesn't like it either way! Just follow my lead! Create Water!"
Chanting the Create Water skill out loud again, the weeb blasted a small jet of water directly in Beldia's direction, who was staring down at a now unconscious Darkness. As Kazuma pointed out, the general seemed to have a strong aversion to the liquid for he jumped out of the way before it could touch him.
"Everyone! Hit him with all the water spells you've got!"
Green Bean's command went through to all the other mages who spammed Create Water alongside him. It was a warzone for Beldia, and he was stuck in the middle of no man's land with zero cover. The hydrophobic Dullahan hopped all around the field trying his best to avoid the splashes.
"HEY! What're you – stop this! Stop this at once!" Beldia desperately demanded as he barely dodged another blast of water. "I was just about to give the Crusader a warrior's death! Let me live out my fantasy of going out the way I wanted to!"
I'd be taking potshots at him too, but I still hadn't recovered enough MP. So that just left me to kinda stand there all by myself, awkwardly. Just like gym class...
"Well, at least I'm not the one that's getting gangbanged this time," I said to myself in an attempt to look on the bright side.
"My Explosion should've taken him out..." Megumin grumbled, still hung up about encountering an enemy that could actually survive her attack magic.
"Yeah, I know. It really should have," I admitted with a sigh. "Hell, Aqua's spells should've taken him out from the start. But I guess he isn't a general to the Devil King for nothing."
Speaking of Aqua, the Blue Thing herself popped up beside me out of nowhere. She didn't even have the Lurk skill like me or Kazuma, she just...appeared.
"Hey Jack? Why is everyone having a water fight all of a sudden? Is this a game we're playing?"
"Does it look like a game!?" I spun around to yell at the moron. "Water is apparently that guy's weakness, and you of all people should be pitching in! Even a useless bum goddess like yourself must know at least one water spell."
Aqua stomped her foot and retaliated, "Rude! I'm the Goddess of Water, I can use Flood-class water magic if I want. "
"Then what the hell are you waiting for, an invitation!? Do it already!"
"Not so fast. I'm not doing squat for you until you apologize for calling me useless first."
I groaned as loud as I could before relenting. "Fine, I'm sorry for calling you useless. Now get out there and soak Beldia, watering can!"
"That's even more disrespectful than calling me useless! That tears it, I'll show you exactly what this 'watering can' is truly capable of…"
A blue angelic cipher began spinning under Aqua's feet as all the water puddles made during the fight swirled around her like a typhoon. It reminded me an awful lot of Omi and made me slightly uncomfortable as a result. It least this water-based attack wouldn't be aimed at me.
"My loyal followers," Aqua said in a soft-spoken voice. "Your goddess requires your assistance. Send in your prayers and lend me thy power."
Beldia stopped moving once he noticed the goddess charging up at an alarming rate.
"Oh...oh sweet headwear - I gotta retreat!"
But before he could get away, Darkness suddenly woke up and grabbed him by the leg like some kind of horror movie monster.
"AHH! Let go of me, you degenerate!"
"Insult...me...more~!"
"Why are you so WEIRD!?"
Megumin and I watched on in mild amusement as Beldia tried to retreat as fast as he could with a horny Crusader in tow. Naturally, he didn't get very far, especially when all his yelling was only adding fuel to the kinky fire below his legs.
"Sacred Create Water!" Aqua shouted. Cumulonimbus clouds soon replaced the peaceful white wisps in the sky. Rain trickled the fields in a light shower, but that didn't last for long. It began to rain cats and dogs, and the wind turned into a harsh wall of moving air.
In the direction Beldia had been attempting to flee in, much of the water had already accumulated in the hills that a large tsunami formed and rushed inwards. His screams were literally drowned out by the waves as they engulfed him. Eat your heart out, Omi.
I was about to tell Aqua that was enough before I noticed she still had her eyes closed in that little magic trance of hers. And that the flood was also upon us with no signs of stopping...
Megumin silently held onto my coat in a momentary need for security. In that very instance, I activated the HeliBot to fly us directly up into the overcast sky right before the tip of the tsunami licked our boots. We both had the right idea not to look down after hearing all the wet, sloshing destruction below. The kid and I hovered in the air together until the noises simmered down to a calm drip.
As we made our slow descent back down to land, the two of us surveyed the damage caused by Aqua. There were puddles as far as the Farsight skill could allow me to see. Those who were in the process of picking themselves back up were soaking wet, no surprise there. Sadly, this also applied to the remnants of Attack Squad Sigma. Assuming they were blown away by Megumin's Explosion instead of outright destroyed, they'd certainly be waterlogged now. I'd have to gut out their shells and reinstall everything within. Damn it all.
To take my mind off the new workload ahead of me, I gawked at what was left of the front gates. Seems even the first block of the residential zone got hit by Aqua's flood. It actually reminded me of the time I flooded Clay's family ranch with the Orb of Tornami Shen Gong Wu. I may have lost the Showdown that day, but at least I got to cause some bad old destruction and mayhem beforehand! Those were the evil days...
"By the gods, Jack, look!" Megumin said, pointing a ways away. "That ingrate is STILL alive!"
I thought something smelled like wet undead (which was absolutely RANK by the way). The Demon General was pulling himself out of a large puddle nearby. After his head coughed out a mouthful of water, he weakly yelled at the water goddess responsible, who was miraculously dry after the flood. Just chalk that one up to godly magic or something.
"You…! What is wrong with you…?" Beldia stammered. "Are you insane, woman!? What were you thinking!? That could've easily hurt your fellow adventurers as much as it did me!"
Oh, so NOW you care about us small fries!?
Anyway, what the decapitated Knight failed to sense was a certain Japanese teenager creeping up behind him as he was venting. Once Kazuma got into a close enough range…
"Steal!"
"HUH!?"
One eye-straining flash of light later, and Beldia's body stood completely still. Except there was just one small, teensy-weensy little thing missing from his person.
I watched as Kazuma lifted Beldia's head up to his face and stared it down with an, admittedly, impressive evil grin. Mine was still better, but his was definitely sinister enough to make the head sweat through his helmet. This is why being evil rocks.
"Oh, uh...it appears my body is immobilized from all the water..." Beldia's head gulped (somehow). "And I can't call for reinforcements without it...call this a draw?"
"Oi! Anybody wanna learn how to play soccer?" Kazuma cried out to the crowd. Meanwhile, I had a much better game in mind.
Pawning Megumin off to her rival, I casually snuck up behind Kazuma and karate chopped the base of his neck, knocking him out and allowing me to scoop up the Dullahan's head for myself. Truth be told, I really didn't think that would work as well as it did...
"Forget soccer! Who's up for a game of b-ball instead?" I asked the other adventurers.
"B-ball...?" Beldia repeated in subdued horror.
"Yup, it's short for basketball," I explained as I dribbled Beldia, causing his head to yelp with each bounce. Sorta surprised it was bouncy at all. "The object of the game is to dribble the ball around and pass it to other players in order to shoot it through a hoop!"
I jokingly passed the head over to a dude wearing a blue jacket. He examined it at first, then proceeded to dribble it as well. Pretty soon everybody was getting a feel for the game. Except for Yunyun, she was too preoccupied with her rival and KO'd partner to get in on the action. There was also this one guy wearing a red jacket shouting, "My tomatoes!" while kneeling next to a mushy pile of said veggies (I refuse to acknowledge them as fruit). No clue what that was about.
The rest of the adventurers broke into teams of two with each team trying to pass the "ball" over to their respective members. Beldia could barely get a word in as his head was in a constant state of motion, making it almost impossible for him to speak clearly. Whenever he did have a rare moment to speak, it was usually just to declare how he was on the verge of throwing up. That didn't deter most of the rough and tough adventurers, though, as they gladly continued to torture him with more dribbling.
A girl wearing a green hoodie stopped and suddenly asked, "Wait, what can we use for a hoop?"
Modern problems call for modern solutions. I hovered around ten feet in the air and formed a ring with my arms. "Here, dunk it in my arms!"
The girl dribbled the head and performed a decent hook shot maneuver, slamming it into my "net". Beldia could be heard screaming the whole way down, causing me to let out an evil laugh. Though it did quickly turn into a genuine laugh as the absurdity of the situation finally caught up to me. Here I was, in another world, playing basketball with the head of a high-ranking Demon General with other adventurers. If only those Xiaolin and Heylin Losers could see me now.
"Jack? Do you have a minute?"
I looked over to see Darkness standing next to the motionless body of Beldia. "I understand you're having fun right now, but don't you think it's about time we wrap this up?"
"Yeah, I guess you're right…" I admitted with a dramatic sigh before turning to my Archpriest. "Aqua, would you care to do the honors?"
Coming from downtown Axel, a flower bud staff defied the laws of gravity and flipped through the air. It made it all the way to the shattered outer wall until it was caught by the water goddess's manicured hand. A sparkling pink scarf cloaked itself around her neck and her flower bud opened up, revealing a heavenly light from within.
"It'll be my pleasure," Aqua said before pointing the staff at Beldia's body. "Sacred Turn Undead!"
A pillar of pure light pierced through the storm clouds and absorbed the inanimate body. I dropped to the ground and picked up Beldia's head, staring at it as it stared back at me.
"So...which one-liner do you want me to go with? 'Don't lose your head'? 'Don't get ahead of yourself'? Or the simple but classic, 'Heads up'?"
Beldia's head was silent for a moment.
"Not even my most cutthroat peers would stoop to this level of psychological torture," He uttered.
One jump shot directly into the light pillar, annnnd…
"May you suffer in - !"
The head unceremoniously disintegrated into the light with no further noise. Aqua dispersed her spell at the same time the clouds dispersed, irradiating the mushy land in a godly glow.
"Hmm, getting way too bright and cherry for my tastes," I said to myself. "Let's try to darken the mood a little with another of my evil laughs!"
However, before I could gulp in enough air, I suddenly felt completely drained of energy. It was so bad, my body couldn't possibly ignore it any longer and promptly shut down. In my last few seconds of hazy consciousness, I think I saw three people rush over shouting something at me.
Well, at least I was finally going to be getting a full twelve-hour sleep session. That's gotta count for something, right?
Once in a blue moon, I'll actually wake up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day. Well, the moon must've turned blue because other than having a couple of bones pop from sitting up in my haystack, I felt great! The only thing that was off was my circadian rhythm; I had no idea what the time or day was.
Seeing as how I fell asleep with my wrist device still strapped on, I booted it up to check the calendar app. And OH BOY did I oversleep big time! It was already well into the next day!
"Maybe starving myself of sleep each and every night isn't the best for my long-term health," I muttered to myself after letting out a final yawn. "Then again, evil never rests. Isn't that right, JackBots?"
No beeps, boops, or bops of affirmation…
"…Homeboys? You there?"
It was only after scanning the stables that I finally noticed the small scrap heap, right next to the pink elephant. Seems this was all that survived the Explosion and subsequent flood. My bots have definitely seen better days, but they've technically seen much worse too. At least they dried off overnight. I'll just salvage what I can from the wreck, stock up on mana potions, and pull a few consecutive all-nighters. They'll be bad as new before you know it!
Standing up, I did my pre-robot-reassembly stretches until I spotted a note stuck to the rim of JB-24V4G32's helmet. I peeled it off and read it to myself.
Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Did you have a nice dream? Was your #1 favorite goddess in it? I hope so because you were out like a light! Seriously, we did everything we could to get you back up! First we tried splashing water on your face (provided by yours truly), but that didn't work. Then we convinced Darkness to sit on your chest to jolt you awake, but that didn't work either. Even Megumin's LOUD Explosion Magic wasn't enough! So we gave up and brought you back to the stables to rest. Let this be a reminder to get a good night's sleep, young man! If you need us, we'll be at the guild celebrating. Signed, Aqua~
…Did I really sleep through Darkness sitting on me? I…don't know how I feel about that.
Wait, what am I thinking? These were Aqua's words! She probably made that part up just to get a rise out of me! Yeah, what a clever move to make when you're not even around to see my reaction. Moron.
Whatever, might as well meet up with her and the others at the guild.
Of course, it just had to be noon by the time I woke up. And because I used the last of my sunblock yesterday, that meant having to skulk in the shadows to avoid the harmful UV rays. Yup, nobody else in this stinking town has to deal with this annoying problem except for me. Sometimes I hate being the only albino.
Either way, I reached my destination and booked it indoors with as little exposure to the sun as possible. I spotted Megumin, a fried toad leg in each hand, racing up to me the second I was in her line of sight.
"Jack, you're awake!" she cheered. "Perfect timing too, I need your help with something."
The small wizard gestured over to Darkness chatting it up with some buff adventurers over a drink. "Darkness is being super stingy: she won't let me have any alcohol! She says I'm 'not old enough', can you believe that load?"
My blonde teammate overheard the kid venting and inadvertently came to my rescue. "I do apologize, Megumin, but the legal drinking age in Belzerg is seventeen. I only want to make sure you don't get in any more trouble with the police."
"Who invented that stupid rule!?" Megumin complained, tightening her grip on the toad legs. "Crimson Demons are considered adults once they learn Advanced Magic, and Explosion is the most advanced form of magic there is! That makes me as mature as they come, so I should be more than allowed to have a drink!"
Putting aside the weird discovery that I was apparently old enough to drink by this kingdom's laws, it was the second nugget of information that I latched onto in surprise first.
"Woah, woah, WOAH!" I blurted with my hands out before looking Megumin square in the crimson eyes. "You are legally an adult?"
"Actually, I believe that's a Crimson Demon cultural difference," Darkness clarified right as the Archwizard was about to speak. "The age of consent throughout the rest of the country is fourteen. In a world full of monsters powered up by the Devil King's mere existence, the mortality rate is unfortunately high. As such, you are legally qualified to marry at fourteen and allowed alcohol at seventeen."
Ew. Like, I kinda get it (somewhat), but that doesn't mean I have to like it. We're raising the age of consent when I take over the world.
"If I'm about to be of marriageable age in just a few months, why can't I skip ahead three years and drink right now!? Gimme some of that ale!" Megumin cried as she tried to swipe Darkness's mug with her greasy hands.
"Heeeey – Hic – it's The Cracker Jacker!"
Oh great, a drunk deadbeat. More commonly known as "Aqua" to the layman.
The goddess haphazardly draped herself over my neck, much to my discomfort. The blue-haired dope took a big swig out of her mug only to belch immediately after.
"Leave it to you to get drunk right before lunchtime, Aqua..." I mumbled despite knowing she wasn't listening to a word I was saying.
As the drunken goddess failed to whistle a jaunty tune, the guild receptionist, Luna, gathered everyone's attention by loudly clapping her hands. "Everyone, I have an important announcement to make! Due to the events of yesterday, the Axel Adventurer's Guild has reserved a special reward for both Satou Kazuma and Jack Spicer's party."
That certainly got my attention! Before I could get the busty receptionist to spill the beans, a vaguely familiar gruff voice spooked the living daylights outta me.
"Who would've thought you lot could take down a leader of the Devil King's Army. That's quite the impressive feat."
It was the buzz cut mohawk guy giving us a thumbs-up from within a dimly lit corner of the room. "I believed in the radiance inside of you guys from the very start," he said simply.
"The radiance inside?" I parroted back. "What does that mean?"
"'A light to shine on the gates of Hell'," Mr. Mohawk quoted before slinking away into the crowd. "At least, that's what the legends used to say..."
God, I hate purposefully vague riddles. Just say want you want to say, don't make me have to take a stab in the dark!
Before I could try to decipher what he meant by gates and legends, a random adventurer a couple tables away singled me and Kazuma out. "He's right! If it weren't for them lads, we'd never would've beaten that Dullahan! Three cheers for Jack and Kazuma's parties!"
That got everybody in the building to go wild real fast. By sheer happenstance, my team and I managed to kill a high-ranking military officer in the Devil King's Army. And now we were being praised for it. This...had me rather conflicted.
On the optimistic side of things, it honestly felt pretty damn amazing to get recognition for my hard work. I still remember how I got sidelined on my arrival in this world. Back then, Aqua was the talk of the town, and I was chopped liver. But now I was finally getting praise from outside sources. These weren't robots or monkeys cheering for me, these were real people appreciating my talents.
But with that said, this was not the kind of admiration I wanted AT ALL! In fact, it was kinda the exact opposite of what I wanted! I wanted to be feared as a dangerous rouge hellbent on crippling the Devil King's Army for my own nefarious gain! Not loved as some lame-ass do-gooder! I'd rather Kazuma be seen as the hero and me as just some guy who participated. I've got a reputation to keep!
Sadly, my cries of protest couldn't get through to these cheering idiots. So now what, does this mean I'm gonna be seen as a small town hero from here on out? Fuck me, it's always one step forward and two-hundred steps back. I blame you, Eris!
Luna blew a sharp whistle with her fingers and immediately got everyone to shut up. She smiled and said, "For the contributions of both parties, we here at the Adventurer's Guild are offering a complimentary reward of 300,000,000 eris each!"
Forget what I said about Eris – she and her money rocks!
"Oh, OH! Since it was my magic that killed him, most of the proceeds should go to me!" Aqua boldly claimed.
"Talk of money sobered you up real quick, didn't it?" I said to her. "Also, SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL!"
After Kazuma and Yunyun were given their reward, Luna came to me to hand over our respective paycheck. It may not be much compared to what I normally get as a monthly allowance, but the equivalent of ¥300,000,000 wasn't too...shabby, now hold a minute...
"Uh, Luna? I think there was a mix-up in upper management," I dutifully informed as I waved the piece of paper she handed me. "You gave me a bill for 305,000,000 eris in damages."
Luna began wringing her hands. Not exactly reassuring body language from what I gathered.
"I'm truly sorry. You see, the flood Aqua summoned did do a substantial amount of property damage…" she admitted carefully. "However, defeating a Devil King's General is an incredibly big deal, so I won't ask that you pay back in full. Just a small portion is all."
Oh, just a small portion you say? Alright then, I can part with 10 eris. That is a small portion by definition.
But before I could have a say in the matter, a hearty slap on my left shoulder made me jump. I craned my neck to see Darkness standing behind me. Her face could be best described as disappointed yet hopeful if that makes any sense.
"Well, we do have 5 million eris on top of our 300 million eris reward. I think it's only right if we back the debt in full."
Dark, baby, no. Please don't do this to me.
"O-Oh!" squeaked Luna. "How selfless! Thank you so much! You don't know it, but you've just saved me from an ungodly amount of paperwork tonight."
Our 300 mil and my personal 5 mil!? There's no way the others would be on board with -
"ALAS! Our reward 'twas not meant to be," sighed a melodramatic Aqua before speaking normally. "I suppose it is the right thing to do. But I call dibs on our next quest! I'll make sure it has the highest bounty possible so we can make our profit back in no time!"
"It seems our bloody journey of magic is only getting started!" Megumin added excitedly. "Let's make this next quest an explosive one!"
Crap, three against one. Now we have to file for bankruptcy all because of something that blue bitch did. That's it, I'm done.
"Hmm? Jack, is something wrong?"
I wasn't listening to who said that, and I didn't care. I stormed outside the guild and plopped myself down on the first step. I had this thing planned out in my head where I was gonna march all the down the stairs and mope on the last step, but there was more shade near the front doors. The sun just won't let me throw my pity party the way I want, can it?
Not only that, but someone came out to sit next to me, completely ruining the "being alone" part of the deal. Anyway, I noticed the blur of reds and browns from my peripheral vision, so I didn't need to guess who it was.
"Go away, Megumin. I'm not in the mood…"
"What's your problem, huh!? You just walked out on us and didn't say a word!" she snapped. "No one likes a guy with a stick up his ass you know."
"Yeah? Well I don't want people to like me, I want people to FEAR me! As a legitimate THREAT!" I snapped back, making sure to face her to emphasize my point. "Ever since I came to this world, I've done everything to make it abundantly clear that I am not a good person; that I am an evil teen genius who shouldn't be taken lightly. And then this shit has to go and happen! But hey, that's just the story of my life I guess. So why even bother trying to rewrite the manuscript now, huh!?"
I sighed and slouched even further, sticking my chin into my folded arms as I stared dejectedly into space.
"...Nobody gets me, that's the problem," I admitted after a brief moment of silence from Megumin. "You say you want to rule the world with a burning passion, and they laugh at you because they think you're joking. And that you, yourself, are a joke. If I can't do something as simple as convey that I'm a jerk...well then where's my worth…?"
I felt a small hand tap me on the shoulder. Reluctantly, I looked over at Megumin. Her body was turned toward me, and not since discussing Explosions has she ever looked this serious before.
"Don't say that about yourself," she stated matter-of-factly. "You do have worth, and I know you're smart enough to already know that. Who cares what others think of you? Screw them! You know who you are and that's all that matters in the end. Never let the opinions of others bring you down, or you'll never get anywhere in life."
On that surprisingly hopefully note, the Crimson Demon's tight-lipped mouth turned into a cheeky, lopsided smirk. "Plus, if it's any consolation, I think you can be a jerk."
I blinked. Barely able to contain my hopeful excitement, I smirked right back at her. "Oh yeah? Is that so?"
"Oh yeah, you can be a real ass when you want to. Like walking out on your own party for instance."
"Or all those times I called Aqua an idiot."
"Or when you snuck a thumbtack in Kazuma's seat!"
"Yeah! And let's not forget how I totally stole his thunder yesterday! Did you see me out there? I was all, 'HI-YA!' and he was all, 'I'm down!' I didn't even know I had it in me!"
"Me neither!"
We laughed on the steps of the guild for a good while before eventually keeping it down to only a few chuckles. Our sides were sore, but we had fun doing it.
"Hey, Jack?" Megumin asked quietly. "If you're feeling up to it, you wanna come with me on my next Explosion run later? I thought we could blow up the rest of Beldia's castle as a way to stick it to his ghost. Thought that might help you unwind after that big fight."
"…I think I'm down for an Explosion palooza," I said with a small smile and nod.
"Awesome," Megumin hummed while giving a thumbs-up. "Anyway, we should probably head back inside now. I, uh, kind of already promised Aqua and Darkness I'd bring you back in. Heh..."
"I'd make a sarcastic remark, but honestly, my butt's starting to hurt from sitting on these steps. Let's bail."
Megumin and I sat up and got our aching keisters indoors. And as I tried in vain to soothe my rear end, I thought about all the times I was huge jerk to someone. The kid was right, I really shouldn't be all that concerned about what others think of me (unless they're evil bigwigs of course). I know that I'm a bad person deep down, and that's the end of the discussion as far as I'm concerned. It really goes to show how frighteningly intelligent Megumin can be.
The masses can think I'm a hero all they'd like. I'll prove them wrong sooner or later. Oh-ho-ho just you wait…
"Hey, guys? Wait up for a sec, will ya?"
It was late into the evening and the sun was about to give welcome to the moon. Jack had already gone home a while ago to "fix his babies" as he so strangely put it. I assume he was referring to those metal golems he made. I should ask if I can watch him build some, they're really cool. Not Explosion Magic cool - nothing could ever compare - but cool, nonetheless.
We were out on the street, reaching a fork in the road that would lead us to our separate routes. Aqua's path would take her to the stables with Jack, Darkness's would direct her to the inn she was booking a room at, and mine would take me outside the city walls to my makeshift campsite. The rent for the apartment I'd been staying at since coming here was getting too steep and I needed to save my funds. The tent wasn't much, but neither was my house back home.
However, before we parted ways for the night, I had something I needed to get off my chest.
Aqua stopped herself from progressing and twirled around to face me, putting her hands behind her back as she did so. "What's on your mind, Megumin?"
Darkness halted as well and asked, "Are you still out of it from your daily Explosion? I can carry you back to your tent if you need -"
"No, it's okay. I have enough strength to make it back on my own. It's just…well…"
The two party members who I've come to know as my friends waited patiently for me to spit it out. They seemed to be curious about what I had to say. So, I braced myself and just said what was on my mind:
"What if Jack means what he says...?"
Now they seemed confused more than anything else. I don't necessarily blame them, I'd be confused too if I were in their shoes.
"I beg your pardon?" Darkness asked with a raised brow.
"What I'm trying to say is, what if Jack is serious about wanting to rule the world?" I hesitantly clarified. "It's stupid, I know, but I can't shake this lingering doubt that there's some truth to what he says. When I went to console him this morning, he vented to me about how he was frustrated nobody viewed him as a serious threat. And he sounded so...sincere when he said it."
It was hard to look them in the eyes when I told them that. I admit that the whole thing sounded absurd, but I couldn't help but be a little worried about it. Jack may be a douche at times, but he's shown that he has a soft side. The dude doesn't realize that he wears his heart on his sleeve much like Yunyun. He's very much capable of being an honest-to-Eris good person. So to hear him be so willing and eager to throw all that potential away was…well, kind of disturbing actually. Almost on par with the Axis Cult even!
What if...our leader really was deadest on conquering our world?
Aqua spoke, "Oh relax, girl! It's just Jack being Jack! Remember when I gave you that crash course on the concept of chuunibyou? Well, that's exactly what he is: a shut-in chuuni! Your entire culture is built upon that lifestyle, so you of all people should be able to recognize it, even if you can't explain it."
I mean…yeah, she does make a point there. I almost mistook him as a long-lost member of the clan when we first met.
Darkness added to Aqua's rebuttal by saying, "And correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you admit that you also wanted to usurp the Devil King as well?"
"Well, yeah, but I was young at the time and didn't know better. I honestly just like the idea of owning the title more than actually taking the throne."
"Well, it's possible Jack has yet to grow out of that phase for himself," Darkness theorized. "He may be considered well into his adulthood by our customs, but he still has a lot of self-discovery left to do. I wouldn't be surprised if he one day dropped his ambition of wanting to become a merciless dictator…although I think a small part of me would die inside…"
"And the crazed rant he went on when scaring off that hero guy's fangirls?" I dared to ask.
"I won't lie, that was pretty creepy..." Aqua admitted with a shudder, but quickly bounced back all the same. "But he said it himself: he hadn't gotten, like, any sleep at all that day."
"Lack of sleep is known to make one irritable and anxious," Darkness added with a sage nod. "Given the stressful quest we came back from, the sudden duel with that narcissist, and those girls insulting him, it's no wonder he snapped like that."
"So you see? There's nothing to worry about!" Aqua declared confidently. "All the big baby needs is more sleep and he'll be fine. Come to think of it, you should probably get some rest too if that's what you were fretting over."
My friends were right, I was worrying over nothing. Maybe not getting the finishing kill on one of the Devil King's generals affected me more than I thought. Arnes and Host went down easily enough to Explosion, so why not Beldia? Perhaps being an undead Knight with a power boost from the Devil King made him sturdier than expected. Oh well, there were still seven confirmed generals left out there. I'd level up and collect my due eventually.
"Yeah, you're right, sleep is probably just the thing we all need right now. Goodnight Aqua, goodnight Darkness. See you all in the morning."
We bid each other goodnight and traveled down our respective paths. As I gazed upwards into the first star of the night, I reflected on my previous doubts regarding our eccentric leader, now giggling at my bold stretch of a claim.
"Heh. Jack, an evil world conqueror. How silly..."