The things I do for world domination, man…
Here I am, a strapping young villain in his prime, sitting up against a rusty cemetery gate at dick o'clock in the morning waiting for a washed-up goddess to finish her "pre-exorcism stretches". Yeah, in case you were wondering, Aqua's become self-conscious about her Turn Undead skills after our recent boss fight with Beldia. So she started a training regimen for herself where she needs to limber up before going toe-to-toe with any undead creature. Dumb, I know.
But as if that wasn't annoying enough, now she was forcing us to wait on her while she does it. She even tried to rope me into her little training montage, but I was having none of it. Almost as soon as she suggested it, I shut the idea down like a factory that violated OSHA guidelines. I'd much rather sit in defiance than work out, thank you very much.
Megumin and Darkness, meanwhile, didn't seem to mind the holdup. If anything, they actually seemed intrigued with Aqua's new workout and were analyzing her technique. This effectively made me the only member of the group who didn't give a flying french fry about her warmup routine. I just wanted to get this quest over with so I could go home and, for once, go to bed.
But before I go any further with this, lemme hit the rewind button and explain how we got here. Context is important after all.
It all started earlier today at the guild. My small evil army and I were checking out the quest board for a job that was reasonable yet profitable. Since my team willingly gave away our entire fortune to pay back the town for property damage (a memory which still makes me cry), we were flat broke. And because we needed to eat and make our landlord happy, we had to get serious with picking out a quest that pays in fat stacks.
Ah, money: the root of all evil. And my best friend/worst enemy.
Aqua called dibs on the next quest despite me trying to drill it through her thick skull that she already got to pick the last quest. We argued for a while and, to make a long and embarrassing story short, she won the right to pick a quest for the second time in a row. So unfair!
Anyway, after Aqua "settled" the argument, I was worried she was gonna pick a quest that was just as brutal as the Manticore-Griffin kill quest. Thankfully, she didn't. Instead, she choose a flyer that requested a party with at least one Archpriest to exorcise a possible Zombie Maker (a monster that dabbles in necromancy) at some low-income cemetery outside of Axel. The cemetery was supposedly a hotspot for…ugh, ghost sightings…
Having spent three long, excruciating years living with a ghost myself, I was not looking forward to this quest. But the pay was decent and Aqua, for all her stupidity, was a talented Archpriest. So we accepted the job and went straight to Luna for approval.
Here's something worth mentioning: while Luna was stamping away our acceptance papers, I got a number of adventurers come pat me on the back and saying how "noble" I was for taking on this quest. I'd greatly prefer if nobody acknowledged my surface-level good deeds; they were purely a means to an end! It's not like I was doing any of this Samaritan work for fun. What am I to these losers, the Make-A-Wish Foundation? I'd rather take everybody's wishes instead...
Anywho, we waited till nightfall to head out to the neglected cemetery. And now that you're all officially caught up, do you understand why I'm in a sour mood? In fact, I'm in such a sour mood, I'm gonna complain out loud just so Aqua can HURRY THE HELL UP!
"Wrap it up, Richard Simmons!" I barked impatiently. "My back hurts and I wanna go home!"
"Quit your whining, Jack Whiner!" Aqua bit back, her calisthenics showing no signs of stopping. "I told you, I need to loosen my muscles before we begin. I refuse to be shown up by anymore undead freaks from this moment forward! Besides, it's not my fault if your back hurts; you shouldn't be leaning it on those bars."
"Hey, there was nothing else around for me to lean on. So my back hurting is technically on you."
Megumin and Darkness apparently decided that now was the perfect time to throw in own remarks I didn't ask for.
"Y'know, if you need to sit down from doing nothing but standing, that kinda says something about what shape you're in..." Megumin commented with an "are you serious right now?" face. I'm good at recognizing that type of face.
"She's right, it sounds like you don't work out nearly enough," Dark remarked (hey, that rhymes!). "Mayhap it would benefit your physical health if were to join Aqua in her exercise?"
"Hard pass," I denied once more.
"That's our leader for ya: a lazy, entitled, shut-in gamer nerd," Aqua said coldly. It was at that moment that a mischievous grin formed on her face, one that usually forms whenever she was about to tease me.
Aqua turned her back towards me before reaching down to touch her toes and – HOLY MOLY!
Her miniskirt, which already didn't leave much to the imagination, dangerously rode up her backside as she practically exposed herself right then and there! In a flustered flash of reflexes, I looked away while shielding my peripheral vision with one hand. I fear if man were to stare directly into the perfect ass of a goddess, it would trigger the same madness invoked when gazing at the true form of Cthulhu.
"Or maybe he's only pretending to be lazy so he can 'enjoy the show'," Aqua teased relentlessly. "Well? Am I right on the money, you naughty perv you~?"
"You call me a perv yet you're the one who's mooning me!"
"C'mon, Aqua, quit trying to get a rise out of him!" Megumin interjected all annoyed. "We can all see he's clearly upset, so put your butt away!"
Bless that child for putting her foot down and coming to my aid when it mattered most...
Unfortunately, that was immediately undone by a Crusader who couldn't seem to keep it in her pants. "Yes, Aqua! Listen to Megumin and do not degrade yourself for this man! For it is my own unintentionally lewd body he has his lecherous eyes set upon when he thinks no one is looking!"
Darkness knows I've been rubbernecking!? Oh shit, I thought I was being stealthy about that! I mean, she never reacted during those times I checked her out, so I assumed I was in the clear! It also doesn't help that her armor was in the smithy today, leaving her in a tight, black tank top with a matching skirt and leggings. I tried to keep my eyes from wandering, officer, I swear!
Wait, what the heck am I saying? She's eighteen, I have nothing to be afraid of. Well, that is except for Megumin and Aqua, both of whom were currently gazing down at me with disgust (as if I didn't get enough of that from back home).
"Is this true, Ghoul Boy?" they both said in freaky unison.
Far too embarrassed to get my words out, I quietly stood up with my head down low so they couldn't see my burning face. "…can we go…?"
"What was that?" Megumin harshly spat out. "You're gonna have to speak up, mister."
"I SAID CAN WE JUST GO ALREADY!?" I practically yelled. After receiving more pissed looks for raising my voice like that, I dialed it back and elaborated. "Look, I don't know about you, but I just wanna get this over with. So can we drop it and get on with the mission so we can go home? P-Please…?"
I had to double-dog-dare myself to look back up at the royally ticked off women. To my surprise, Megumin's glare actually softened somewhat and she let out a tired sigh, muttering something about how it was "only natural". Aqua's glare didn't lose its edge, but this was Aqua we were talking about. She'll forget why she was ever angry in like five minutes.
As for the one who started this mess...Darkness was looking in every possible direction except mine while hiding her mouth with her hand. Was she regretting blurting my secret out like that? I don't know and I don't care. I just wanted to finish this quest so I could go home and sleep in my robots' stables away from all human contact.
Eventually, Aqua did drop her glare and went into a more neutral expression, idly swinging her arms by her sides as she said, "Well, I think I'm all limbered up by now. So, uh, yeah, let's get this done and over with."
Smartest thing she's ever said.
Without making a big deal about it, I opened the squeaky gates and led my team into the bowels of the cemetery. Everything about the place just screamed horror movie set: you got your dead oak trees, dilapidated gravestones, leaves that moved with the wind, and the full moon being the metaphorical cherry on top. It almost made me wish I had CameraBots to take some B-roll footage, the atmosphere was too perfect not to record. Oh well, maybe next time if I'm free and I want to direct a short horror film or something.
Speaking of horror films, I actually have something of a love/hate relationship with them. Since I was on my own for 90% of my childhood, no one was around to stop me from digging through my parents' hidden stash of R-rated movies. Lemme tell ya, Mom and Dad must've been into some fucked up shit behind closed doors. There was a TON of graphic stuff they collected over the years: psychological thrillers, "found" footage, slashers, gore fests, everything under the blood-red sun! It was like striking gold!
Yet I still can't say if watching all of them back to back was my best or worst decision ever. On one hand, I'd argue it helped inspire my passion for film-making. But on the other, I'm almost positive it skyrocketed my anxiety like a motherfucker.
Ironically enough, I actually wasn't feeling overly anxious tonight despite strolling through a literal graveyard. Probably had something to do with the fact that the only thing we needed to watch out for was an old bag of bones summoning spirits. And I think I've already explained why those don't scare me anymore.
Sadly, I still had to explain it to the girls when Aqua randomly asked, "Hey Jack, we're in a haunted old cemetery at night, so how come you're not wetting yourself in fear like usual?"
Without stopping or looking back, I sighed a half-assed response. "Let's just say I've hung out with a ghost before and they're not all they're cracked up to be. They're more naggy than they are scary."
I thought that would be the end of it, but no, of course it wasn't. A strong grip on my shoulder forced me to stop walking and to look behind. Surprisingly, it wasn't Darkness like I had originally thought, but rather Aqua who somehow looked even more serious than she did five minutes ago.
"Jack…Did I hear you say you've hung out with a ghost before?" she questioned slowly, making sure I didn't miss a beat. I don't think I like serious Aqua. Go back to the stupid, fun-loving Aqua!
"I, err, um -"
Her eyes flashed blue as she stared down at me. "Did you, or did you not, say you've lived with a departed spirit before? Yes or no?"
Now I knew why the Greeks were so fearful of gods; they can be really intimidating when they want to be! I was almost too afraid to answer truthfully. The thought of lying right in her face while she was like this and getting caught made me reconsider.
"…Y-Yes?"
What came next was...rather anticlimactic given that random bout of tense buildup forced onto me.
Aqua let go of my shoulder and pointed an accusing finger in my face, and while she still seemed crossed with me, her threatening aura had pretty much vanished once she got her answer. Now for some reason she came off more as a kid trying their hardest to be stern, but failing adorably at it.
"AHA! I knew it! Ever since we met, you've always had this musk of malevolent undead lingering on you. It's faint, but my sharp goddess nose was able to pick up on it! I didn't say anything at first because I couldn't tell if that was what teen body odor was supposed to smell like, but now I have proof!"
Between this and sniffing out exact change, I was starting to wonder if this girl was secretly part dog. It'd be fitting considering she can be a bitch sometimes.
Also, I've been carrying Wuya's ghostly B.O. for three solid years? While none the wiser!? That's rank! I'm gonna need to bathe in holy water for like a week after this.
"So why were you all buddy-buddy with a smelly evil spirit, huh?" questioned the suspicious goddess, hands locked onto her hips to assert authority (or lack thereof). "Got some skeletons you're trying to hide or what?"
"L-Let's not jump to any hasty conclusions here, Aqua!" Darkness said in an attempt to de-escalate the situation. "There has to be a reasonable explanation for this. We all know Jack has a habit of exaggerating for comedic effect. Perhaps what he is trying to say is that he was once the unwilling participant of a haunting?"
"Is that true?" Megumin asked me. "Was your old home really haunted by a restless soul with unfinished business?"
"I never planned, nor was I willing, to have a specter stink up my lair, that I can confirm," I confirmed. "But it was more of a mutual partnership than a haunting. Wuya and I used to hatch evil schemes together until she somehow revived herself. Then she kinda bailed on me. But I say good riddance! She took all the fun out of world conquest anyway."
Megumin, as well as the others, looked at me in a strange way for a bit. Suddenly, her crimson eyes flashed red as she seemingly realized something before giving me an understanding smile.
"Ah, right, of course! Should've known it was all connected to taking over the world. My bad for thinking you were being haunted!"
Darkness and Aqua soon followed up on Megumin with similar remarks of their own.
"Yes, feel free to reprimand me harshly for making such bold assumptions, future supreme ruler. No really, please, I insist~!"
"I guess super evil geniuses and stinky evil spirits can find common ground after all. Isn't that right, Jack-Jack?"
I already know they were faking it. It's likely they still think I was the victim of a haunting. In some ways, that is true, but it's the evil principle that matters here! They're just giving me empty compliments because they think I'm stupid enough to buy it.
Well you know what…I am gonna buy it! NOT because I'm stupid but because for once – for once in my life – I want to believe that they believe. I've already made my first steps to usurp the Devil King, I'm going to treat myself tonight, dammit!
So, with my eyes closed and my head held high, I resumed the march forward, pretending that they weren't pretending. "That's right, Aqua. The dark side is all about self-expression, and while it's usually a free-for-all, there's always room for cooperation. Evil tends to work in mysterious ways, which is why we're gonna work together to take down this necromancer. Then the rest of the Devil King's Generals. Then the big cheese himself. After that, the world is our oyster, baby! Nothing can stop Jack Spicer -!"
At that moment, I felt something I never wanted to feel ever again so long as I could help it. Something that was worse than stubbing your toe. Worse than getting a creepy computer virus. Worse than choking back the suffocating sensation of anxiety clawing her way out of your throat like a rabid animal until you feel you can't hold it back any longer…
And that was walking into a spider web you couldn't see.
I justifiably shrieked as I did my best to tear off the invisible strings stuck to my face. But of course that wasn't enough – it never was! I had to be extra sure there were no eight-legged fuckers on my person before I could begin to feel safe, and even then I wouldn't be spared from the after-willies!
I clumsily unlatched the strap for the HeliBot and threw off my trench coat, whipping it against the ground senselessly. Hopefully it would be enough to shake off any lose strands of web that got on it, but I'll have to soak in water later just in case. No, scratch that, I'll take it with me in my holy water bath tonight. The blessed liquid should be enough to cleanse both me and my favorite coat at the same time.
Eventually, I stopped to take a breather and, for a moment, forgot I had company. I glanced over at the girls. None of them looked like they knew what to make of my mini freak-out back there.
"Jeez, and you say my screams are loud?" Aqua snarked while twisting a finger in her ear. "I'm pretty sure there are dogs going ballistic on the other side of the country now thanks to you."
"Do we even want to know what that was all about?" Megumin asked rhetorically. But I was still upset, so I answered her question anyway.
"I ran into a spider web, okay!? I can't help it if I have arachnophobia..."
The Archwizard raised her hands up in mock surrender, the universal gesture for dropping a loaded topic. As I dusted the dirt (and potential webs or spiders still remaining) off my coat, I heard Darkness ask me something which threw me for a loop.
"Say, Jack, what is that peculiar design on your shirt? I don't know why, but…I-I feel myself being looked down upon by its menacing eminence~"
Confused, I tilted my head down and immediately realized what she was getting off at. I was wearing my red, Frankenstein's Monster graphic tee. My favorite shirt, and the one I just so happened to die in back on Earth.
"Oh, that's just Frankenstein's Monster," I answered nonchalantly. "Specifically the monster, not the mad scientist that created him. A lot people get them confused and it bugs me – eeewww, forget I said bugs!"
Megumin waved a hand in front of her as she attempted to unravel my words. "Wait, so a guy named Frankenstein made that zombie-looking thing? Was he a Zombie Maker like the one we're hunting?"
Being one of my favorite mad scientists that created one of my favorite monsters, I jumped at the chance to give a brief synopsis on the story of Frankenstein and his creation. After all the crap that's happened to me since coming to this stinkin' cemetery, geeking out over one of my interests served as a nice distraction. And to my pleasant surprise, even the girls seemed to be somewhat interested in the story (especially Darkness when I got to the part about the lightning bolt striking the monster's body).
Sadly, all decent things must come to an end, as was my lot in life. I didn't get to finish my paraphrasing when ghostly wails from out of the blue made me jump out of my skin.
I don't get it, though. One minute, these acres were deserted, dare I say dead. Then the next? BAM! It suddenly becomes a ghost party! The transparent projections of people's souls flew everywhere which way throughout the air, each one moaning in what I guess was agony. They didn't appear to be hostile, but their sudden presence did raise some serious red flags.
"Look!" Darkness suddenly shouted amidst the wailing. "Over there, by the crypt! Someone's activated a magic circle!"
It was hard to see with my bad eyes, but with the power of my Farsight skill, I was able to make out the figure Darkness was pointing at. The only discernable thing I could make out about them was that they were wearing a purple robe with a hood hiding their face.
"Yup, that's gotta be our Zombie Maker alright," I said relatively calmly.
"Are you sure?" questioned Megumin. "Somehow I get the feeling this isn't your run-of-the-mill necromancer."
Darkness brandished her longsword. "Should we charge in and take them down now while they're busy with their dark spells?"
"No! It's too risky!" Megumin exclaimed, hand outstretched to prevent the Crusader from getting any funny ideas. "Undead are especially powerful during the night of a full moon! Let me use my Explosion Magic to fully erase them from this mortal coil. It's our safest bet."
"Oh no you don't!" I butted in. "I don't want to have to pay for even more property damage! First it was the carrot patches in Mirfield, then the town's outer walls! I refuse to pay a single cent for a smoldering cemetery!"
"Well let's see you think of something better then, Mr. 'Evil Teen Genius'!" Megumin challenged irritably. "Aqua may be a goddess, but you can't possible except her to attack a supercharged undead all by her-"
"RrrAAAAuuuuGGGGhhhh!"
And there she goes, charging straight ahead at our target in a rage-boosted dash. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother trying to keep her under control.
"For a Lich to be here is unforgivable! As a representative of the Heavenly Realm, I shall judge you!"
Hang on, did Aqua say this guy was a Lich? Aren't those supposed to be one of the strongest undead classes in all of fiction? What the hell was one those bone wizards doing here!? Wasn't this cemetery supposed to have dead scrubs and newbies buried here? What use would a Lich have recruiting zombies of weak, low-leveled adventurers?
In a flash, Aqua began stomping the circumference of the magic circle surrounding the Lich with her boot. Each stomp appeared to weaken the circle's energy, if it flickering like a faulty lightbulb was anything to go off of.
The robbed figure responsible for the cipher cried out, "AH! St-st-stopppp! Who are you!? Where'd you come from!? Why are you wrecking my magic circle!? Please stop!"
Those pleas sounded awfully feminine for a supposed king of the undead. Was this Lich actually a woman? I never considered that Liches could be female…
Well, as it turns out, they could. The moment the magic circle was broken, Aqua pounced on the Lich, pushing her to the ground and exposing her admittedly pretty face underneath the hood. She had unblemished skin and brown eyes, with her matching brown hair flowing down around her neck and obscuring her right eye. The thick purple robes she wore became unbuttoned during the scuffle, showing off a bust that rivaled Dark's, and that was saying something right there!
In short, she looked nothing like a Lich. Instead she looked more like a human girl. One who was…um, well, well-endowed and had a curvaceous body type now that was getting a better look at her…
Keep it in your pants, Spicer! I can already detect Megumin giving me the stink eye in my peripheral vision. Why couldn't the Lich have been a dude instead? I'm bi so it wouldn't have mattered to me either way! Besides, abs are easier to conceal than breasts...
Aqua laughed, "Ha-Ha-Ha! So, you thought you could get away with whatever heinous plot you were concocting, did ya? Well nice try! The great Me was able to nip the bud in your sinful plans!"
The Lich desperately sputtered, "W-W-What? No, please, you misunderstand -"
"Silence, unholy abomination! People who stray from their humanity to become undead make me sick. Which is why I'll purify these lost souls and you along with them! Yah!"
With the flick of her wrist, Aqua encompassed the entire cemetery in a bluish glow, reminiscent to that of an aquarium. The souls, who I guess would be the fish in this metaphor, began to evaporate in what looked like appeasement. Soon the graveyard became an empty and barren landscape again.
As for the Lich lady…
"AH! Oh no! My body – it's threatening to disappear! H-Help, somebody, please!"
Aqua's triumphant laughs during the purification process stopped shortly after discovering that the Lich's bangin' bod was still tethered to this world, if only by a thread.
"Eh!? Aw c'mon! My magic should've been enough to purify you! Am I really starting to lose my touch now that I'm technically a demigod? No, this can't be happening to meeeeeee!"
Great, now we've got a crying demigod and a whimpering Lich on our hands. What a night for me.
Well, seeing as how this Lich wasn't much of a threat, I decided to approach her and attempt a conversation. Y'know, just to get a read on her personality.
"Uh…hey there," I greeted stiffly. "I take it from my crybaby partner that you're a Lich. That's, uh…cool I guess. What that's like, huh?"
As her body slowly regained its physical form, the pale woman blinked away her tears and stared at me. Right now part of me wishes I had chosen enhanced social skills as my divine cheating power.
"…W-What's being a Lich like?" she asked, clearly surprised that I was even talking to her.
"Well, yeah, I mean...I dunno, I thought Liches were supposed to be sapient zombies or something along those lines. But you look like a normal human."
"Th-That's just because I practice good hygiene…"
Oh. Uh, okay then. Not gonna press on that topic any further. Let's change the subject.
"A-Alright then. You, uh, gotta a name or is just calling you 'Lich' fine?"
During the course of my bizarre conversation, I had completely forgotten about Aqua, who had recently recovered from her wallowing to scold me. "Wha - JACK! What do you think you're doing!? Don't converse with her kind! You might turn into one too!"
"First of all, WOW! Racist, much? Second of all, I'm pretty sure that's not how becoming a Lich works," I argued. "Besides, all I did was ask her name, so cool your jets, demigod."
"I am NOT a demigod! I am a FULL god, darn it!"
And that's when I tuned her out and went back to repeat my question to the docile Lich woman standing awkwardly in front of me.
"Oh, well, um...my name is Wiz," she answered politely. "What might yours be if you don't mind me asking?"
Proudly placing my fists on my hips, I responded, "You're talking to the one and only Jack Spicer, Super Evil Genius Mastermind, and his Posse of Destruction!"
There was a beat of silence between the two of us. I awkwardly shoved my hands down my pockets as I coughed, "Uh, normally this is the part where I have my evil theme music blaring in the background. But I left my robots back at the stables. They're not really effective against Ghost-types so I didn't think to bring them along."
"…Eh?"
The evil theme music would've sold it for her, I just know it.
"Never mind," I dismissed with a hand wave. "Anyway, what were you doing before we got here? Raising a ghost army or something?"
"What? No, I would never!" Wiz answered, looking almost offended that I would even suggest that. "You see, being what I am, I can hear the voices of these lost souls. Most of the ones that wander this cemetery never received proper burials due to them being impoverished when they were alive. As a result, they were unable to move on to the afterlife, and became lost in the process. So I periodically come visit to guide them back to Heaven."
In other words, she's a good guy Lich. Lame. Well, at least she's easy on the eyes and doesn't smell like death. Unlike Wuya prior to her getting a physical form.
Darkness stepped forward (with Megumin cautiously trailing behind her) and asked Wiz, "If that's the case, then why not leave it to the priests of this town?"
"Th-That's because the priests of this town are rather materialistic," Wiz answered, her one visible eye rising when Darkness gave her a questioning look. "Err, what I mean is, the rites for people without money are often postponed, so…"
"So they end up pushing poor cemeteries like this one off to the side," Megumin finished.
Wiz nodded solemnly. Two-thirds of my party gave similar affirmations in response. Can you guess who the outlier was?
"Why is everyone siding with this Lich!?" Aqua shouted. "Jack and Megumin I can kinda understand, but Darkness? You're a holy Crusader, I should've expected you of all people to back me up here! I'm your goddess's senior for My sake, you're supposed to be against undead savages!"
"That's hurtful!" whimpered the alleged undead savage.
As for the holy Crusader, she dug her foot into the soil while looking down at it and softly responded back. "Well, under normal circumstances, yes. However, from what I've seen so far, I cannot confidently say Wiz is a dangerous malcontent. Hell, she's even doing a charitable service on her own accord! What kind of person, human or otherwise, should be condemned for such a selfless act?"
Eh, I personally don't buy it. I've researched cryptids and mythological creatures before, I know what a Lich is like: they're the reanimated bodies of radical wizards who wanted to cheat death and become omniscient. But give them a couple of eons and they'll lose sight of anything resembling humanity and just start chaos for chaos' sake. It's possible Wiz is relatively young for her kind but, sooner or later, she and the rest of her Lich-y friends will become a serious problem for my future federation. I bet a lifetime supply of pudding cups on it.
That being said, however, I can't deny my innate curiosity to study what kind of kickass powers she has under her sleeves! So even though I'm not entirely keen on trusting her, I will be on the lookout for something that sticks out about her. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, right?
"Selfless?" Aqua repeated back, disgusted. "She's a freak of nature, that's what she is! Plus, she's the one we were tasked to eliminate in the first place! I say we finish her off now and never discuss this again!'
Wiz sputtered for a second before pleading to Aqua, "No, wait, please don't purify me again! Look, I-I run a small magic shop back in town. It doesn't get good business but, if you have mercy, I'll give you and your friends a customer's discount!"
Aqua remained silent.
"I also serve tea on the side…?"
That made Aqua hum to herself before she pointed a finger at Wiz. "Alright, I accept. But only on one condition."
She's already given you two conditions!
"Let someone more responsible and holy take over your graveyard shift. I'm of course talking about me. A goddess is far more suited to guide the dead than you."
The Lich teared up (though I couldn't tell if those were happy tears or hurtful tears) and promptly glomped the ruthless goddess, hugging her at the waist with all her might while thanking her to the high heavens.
"Ew, don't touch me!" Aqua crowed. "Also, 3-second rule!"
I felt a headache coming on.
It was early morning when we agreed to visit the little magic shop Wiz said she ran. It was a Mom-and-Pop type shop tucked away at the end of a street with low foot traffic. There was a counter, shelves for products, a small table with two chairs, and nothing else. She really wasn't kidding when she said her store didn't get a lot of good business.
Although, I think I figured out why she doesn't get a lot of customers, and it's not just because of the bare bones atmosphere. Every item this airhead had for sale was faulty! And it was always a specific fault too; something that completely defeated the item's intended purpose.
For example, while Wiz was brewing some tea for a grumpy Aqua, Megumin asked about a vile of bubbling green liquid she picked up off a shelf, and she had this to say:
"Oh, that? That's a potion for humans to be able to navigate dark places without a lantern by making their bodies glow! You just need to have see-through skin in order for your insides to shine through."
Humans don't have see-through skin! So what's the friggin' point of it then!?
Some of the products were just flat-out useless for the average consumer to want to buy:
"Excuse me, Wiz, I have a question about this potion that attracts beasts," Darkness said with that infamous blush on her face. "Um, w-would it, by chance, make one more attractive to men with a 'beastly' nature?"
The Lich answered, "Sadly, no. It only attracts beast-like monsters. The scent makes them attack the wearer one after the other without pause, similar to the Decoy skill."
"I SHALL TAKE YOUR ENTIRE STOCK!"
Then again, my teammates weren't exactly average consumers. This shop might as well have been a goldmine for them.
I'll only say this once and inside my mind, but thank god for Aqua's intimidation factor. If she hadn't threaten Wiz with purification, she wouldn't have bribed us with discounts, and all our quest money we earned from lying about the "Zombie Maker's" death would've been splurged on the junk my party was buying up.
"Here is your tea, Lady Aqua," Wiz said politely after setting the cup on the table Aqua was sitting at. She took one sip before spitting it out.
"This tea isn't hot at all! Your cold, dead Lich hands must've made my tea lukewarm! Make me another one!"
"Yes Lady Aqua, sorry Lady Aqua, right away Lady Aqua!"
If only this shop sold Ibuprofen…