Y'know, after giving it some thought, I think I'm starting to see the appeal in living the rest of my life in a high-fantasy, JRPG world. All it took was hours of hunkering down in an underground lab with nothing but sci-fi elements surrounding me to finally get it! I now see the light!
Witty sarcasm aside, it is with inflated pride that I proclaim the Jack Spicer Off-World Base of Evil to be officially open for business! There's still some parts of the cellar that haven't been covered up by metal plating yet (and it couldn't hurt to do a little more expanding), but otherwise I was all set. Got custom built generators fueled by lamp oil powering my equipment, the wine racks have been repurposed to store all my spare parts, and I even reserved space for an indoor basketball court! Projects and machines from days gone by aside, it was like I never even left Spicer Mansion I. Home truly is where the greedy black heart is.
Ever since Wiz taught me the Drain Touch skill, I've been using it to siphon mana from Aqua while she sleeps to replenish my MP, and I've never been busier. What took me at least a week to build half a dozen robots now takes me a night tops! True, it is annoying having to sneak into Aqua's bedroom every so often to "recharge", but it was a small price to pay in the name of insidious progress. Still, sometimes I wish I was a little more specific with my request for a custom cheat skill. Had I should've asked for Sandbox Mode to have unlimited uses! Oh well, live and learn or…whatever. I'm still hung up about it...
Anyway, I've been busy building all kinds of specialized JackBot variants, like old times. For example, there's the BuilderBots currently digging out more space for me in the lab. Over in my makeshift hangar bay, there's a squadron of WingBots ready for aerial combat at a moment's notice. I also got around to making those CameraBots like I wanted, in case I ever get bit by the acting bug again. What else…Oh! I recently drew up some blueprints for the MK II NinjaBots, now with slits in their masks so they can actually see where they're going (a minor design flaw with the first model, even if its first mission was a success).
Heck, I'm even considering making a new line of robots altogether: KnightBots! It's only fitting given the fantasy setting and all that jazz.
But if you think I've just been limiting myself to home renovations and robotics, you'd be wrong as always, future minions. Now that I have a lot more elbow room to work with, I've been getting started on some more experimental projects, just like a professional mad scientist!
For instance, one upcoming project involves a little something I like to call a "souped-up suit" for myself. Think of any set of power armor from the Fallout games and it's basically that but with my own evil flair added to it. Unfortunately, that project was still in the research and development phase, so it'll be a while before I can curb stomp my enemies with all the force of a freight train. Disappointing, I know.
In the meantime, however, what I can get right to work on is making some more weapons to use in combat! Something I've come to realize is I never really utilized that many weapons for myself in the past. There was that one time I used my Evil Glob Shooter™ on Omi during our Showdown over the Sapphire Dragon Shen Gong Wu...but that was literally it. After that, I just sort of stopped making glob shooters and ray guns and other high-tech weapons for myself. I guess I got so caught up in hunting magical weapons that it became redundant to make my own. Well, seeing as how I was my own villain again, I figured it was time to course correct!
Which brings me to what I was currently up to at that moment. As my robots zoomed across the lab doing all sorts of preprogrammed tasks, I was at my desk assembling a high-tech crossbow that shoots heat-seeking ArrowBots while jamming out to some heavy metal from my computer. God, I love being an evil genius!
"Pardon me, sir."
Admittedly, I'm more of an energy weapons kind of guy. There is a reason why I create all my JackBots with built-in plasma rifles, after all. But I also feel it's important to have a nice variety of assorted weapons at my disposal. And nothing says variety like robotic arrows that lock onto a person's heat signature!
"Excuse me, sir?"
However, I'm still deciding on whether or not to install emotion chips into the ammunition for this rifle. On the one hand, I like to have all my robots be able to express themselves like individuals. On the other hand, it'd be a pretty short and cramped existence for these ArrowBots if I made them self-aware. Yeah...as someone who's claustrophobic, maybe I shouldn't go through with the emotion chips. Maybe I'll settle for installing weak AI in them like what I did for my HeliBot.
"Jack!"
I groaned obnoxiously as I swiveled my chair around to address the JackBot. "Ugh, WHAT? Can't you see I'm in the middle of…"
I never got to finish my sentence as I was met with not just a JackBot, but also some unexpected guests as well. More specifically, my party members who, up until this point, had yet to see my awesome new evil lair. Darkness and Megumin weren't nearly as focused on me as Aqua was. They looked like they still hadn't gotten their fill of gawking at the lab. Not that I blame them.
After a moment of not really knowing how to proceed, I awkwardly leaned over to my computer and paused the album I was listening to before turning back to address the girls. "…Hiya. What, uh, brings you ladies down here, huh?"
Aqua, somehow not fazed by my renovations, pointed vehemently at the JackBot in front of her and practically snarled, "This hunk of junk nearly singed my gorgeous, silky hair while we were roaming the halls looking for you! Dismantle it before it goes rouge for real!"
The JackBot, who I know recognized as JB-HUN73R, clasped his claws and pleaded, "I'm sorry, ma'am, it wasn't my fault! I was ordered to zap any and all arachnids I came across, and you just happened to turn the corner at the worst possible second! Please, don't send me to the scrap heap!"
"Leave him alone, Aqua!" I barked, having absolutely none of this. "Hunter did nothing wrong! Okay, well, as an evil robot he technically is built to do wrong. Which, for a villain, is considered right in my book and...uh…Look, he's just on pest control right now. Next time don't step into his line of fire!"
Before the half-brained demigod and I could fall into another one of our fights, Megumin interrupted us by saying out loud, "I'm sorry but WHAT IS ALL OF THIS!?"
"My sentiments exactly!" Darkness agreed, tearing her eyes off one of my plasma globes to look directly at me. "Jack, is this what you've been up to for the past month? Converting the wine cellar into a…a…"
The Crusader trailed off as that infamous blush of hers overtook her face. She finished her train of thought, "I-Is this a sex dungeon of some twisted kind?"
"First, I don't like you put a lot of hopeful emphasis on those two words there," I stated matter-of-factly while tuning out her protests that claimed otherwise. "Second, no, that's not what this is. I was planning on showing this place off until the renovations were done, but seeing as how the surprise is ruined, might as well just go ahead and brag about it now."
I stood menacingly atop my chair, resting my foot on the edge of the backrest as I gave my classic villain welcome wagon.
"Welcome…TO MY EVIL LAIR! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA – oh fuck!"
Yeah, turns out standing on a swivel chair wasn't one of my better ideas, like the time I thought a 50 foot extension cord was long enough for a giant JunkBot to walk around while connected to. I knew I shouldn't have trusted the guy at Lowes when he said that was the longest one they had in stock…
Anyway, after Aqua had her dumb little laugh at my expense, I tended to my throbbing, bloody nose with some wipes I kept in my desk drawers. Blinking away the stray tears, I turned back around and put on a false bravado for the girls to hopefully trick them into thinking my blunder didn't actually bother me on a deep, emotional level.
"Heh...that Anna, always playing ghostly pranks on me," I lied, using our spectral house guest as a scapegoat to disguise my screwup (hopefully that doesn't actually make her prank me more). "ANYWAY! Seeing as how you're all down here, care for the grand tour? It'll really knock your socks off!"
The trio of colorful ladies looked at each other as they considered my offer. They eventually came to a unanimous shrug of indifference, which was good enough for me! I'll take any excuse to show off my ingenuity…and to make them forget about my little mishap while I'm at it.
For the next half hour or so, I showcased my own evil microcosm to three culturally shaken girls. It's rare that I get exhibit my toys – err, I mean, inventions to my partners, and it's even rarer to get an amusing reaction out of them while doing so. I took great pride in witnessing their bewildered faces whenever I showed them a neat little gadget I made or demonstrated how a machine functioned. And their reactions to seeing the 50 foot Jack Spicer Mech I was constructing in the hangar bay? Priceless.
Although I didn't appreciate that snide remark Aqua made on how I must be "overcompensating for something". I guess scientific marvels can only bedazzle morons for so long.
And just for the record…it's average size, okay!? There, I said it, we're moving on now!
After showing the girls the JackMech, I led them to one of the many workbenches I had lying around and slid behind it, gesturing at a little something-something I finished only a few days ago.
"Okay, so, you know how the guild uses these devices to print out newbies their Adventurer Cards?" I prompted. "Well, I always wondered what made them tick, so I went around asked some…ahem, 'gentlemen' where I could get my hands on one that was unregistered. Once I got it, I disassembled and reassembled it until I got the outer mechanisms figured out. That was the easy part. Figuring out the specific magic behind the actual crystal ball was another story. So blah-blah-blah, long story short, I reversed-engineered this puppy to do THIS!"
I stuck my hand out over the crystal, the gears and rings instantly clicking into position and slowly starting to turn. The needle at the bottom began absorbing energy from the blue orb and projected a thin laser beam at the table's surface. As the device automatically guided the laser, instead of printing out a card, it instead printed out…
"Voilà! instantaneous pudding cup ready to eat!" I exclaimed before swiping the chocolatey nectar and guarding it close to my chest. "That's right, baby, the Jack Meister here converted this bad boy into his very own magic 3D snack printer! Just visualize what you want to stuff your face with and the machine does the rest!"
Unable to wait any longer, I tore off the wrapper like a wild animal and pulled the reserved spoon from out of my pocket. Even though I already had my initial fix after perfecting the device in the beta tests, the dopamine rush still hit strong when my tongue tasted chocolate. "Oh, I mished you sho much~" I murmured to my beloved in-between bites.
"Me next, ME NEXT! Goddesses first!" Aqua crowed, sticking her hand above the crystal to trigger it. She ended up printing a bag of potato chips which she immediately ripped opened and began happily munching away on.
"Wait a minute," Megumin demanded, face all scrunched up and confused. "You took a common magical tool used by guilds across the kingdom and turned it into what is basically an infinite food generator? All by yourself?"
I continued to snack on my life fuel as I cleared some things up with the munchkin. "Pretty much. The only drawbacks are it has to be refueled with potions and the food it spawns is limited to junk food. That last one's less of a drawback though and more of a deliberate design choice on my part; I needed something unhealthy to snack on while I work. Anyway, of course I did it all by myself! I made this lab by myself, you think a magic 3D printer would be a challenge for me? You've seen my Intelligence stat before, you should know I'm a genius by now."
"Jack…do you have any idea what this means?" Darkness asked as she kept shifting her gaze between me and the crystal. "You may very well have found the solution to world hunger. This is incredible! You could become a world famous hero with this!"
"What!?" I screamed after almost choking on my last spoonful. I glanced over at my invention, picking it up and giving it a hard look while mulling over the Crusader's words. "But…I only thought of myself when making this thing. I didn't even consider the potential good it had until you brought it up. Way to put a damper on the evil genius's mood, Dark."
Now dejected, I stored away my snack printer in a drawer in my workbench and propped my head as I leaned over the surface. I sighed before mumbling, "Anyway, that's the end of the tour I guess. Was there anything else you wanted? If not, let one of the GuardBots show you out."
Aqua interrupted whatever Darkness was about to say to me with a, "Oh yeah, that's right, the whole reason I came looking for you!" and pulled out her adventurer card to show to me.
"As of today, I am officially the highest-leveled party member in the group. You may grovel before me now~"
Finding this hard to believe, I leaned in for a closer look and even used the Farsight skill to improve my poor eyesight. Big mistake on my part because the proof was, in fact, in the pudding.
"Level 21!? I thought I was the highest-leveled member in the party! When did this happen!?" In desperation, I turned to my designated pyrotechnic and asked, "Megumin, what Level are you?"
"20," she answered plainly.
Breaking up on the inside, I looked to Darkness and, without me having to ask, she answered. "19."
"So, Jackie Boy, what Level are you at, huh?" Aqua teasingly asked, trying (and succeeding) to provoke me. I grit teeth in frustration, but eventually hung my head in shame to avoid making prolonged human eye contact.
"…14…"
"HAH! I'm higher-leveled than you~!" Aqua gloated in an annoying sing-song voice. "Not like it was much of a surprise but still, how satisfying!"
It's not fair I tell ya, not fair! How did that idiot even managed to earn enough XP to level-up like that!? Were the ghosts she exorcised and Beldia really worth a lot of experience points? I feel like I should've at least received partial credit for the latter! It was my robots and epic basketballs skills that helped take him down!
After enough patting herself on the back, the bitch suddenly decided to ask what we were all thinking. "Why are you so low-leveled anyway? Shouldn't you be around Dark and Megumin's Level by now?"
"Hmm...it could have something to do with Jack letting his robots kill most of the monsters for him," Megumin openly speculated. "If they don't level-up and neither does he, then it's just wasted XP. Jack, don't you practice with your sword? Have you even gotten around to repairing it?"
"Of course I've already repaired it! And of course I still practice with it…sometimes," I defended, albeit weakly. "A-Anyway, I do gain some XP eating monster meat at the guild. So I am leveling up, just at a slower rate than most..."
"You know, Jack, I'd be more than happy to provide sword-fighting lessons if you'd like," Darkness offered, whom no doubt also had to rely on food rich in XP just to level-up.
"Thanks, but I actually want to hit my targets…wait – I TAKE IT BACK, STOP!"
Too late, I already triggered the woman's masochism on accident again. Darkness came down with a classic case of the shivers, and she resorted to squeezing herself tightly as she closed her eyes from her own bliss.
"AHN~! No hesitation in the slightest!"
I was not in the mood for confusing feelings right now. I went over to grab my trench coat I had hung up nearby and blurted out, "Welp, this was fun and all, but I'm gonna head out to get some fresh, non-recycled air. Be back soon!"
However, right as my foot made contact with the first step, I suddenly felt a hand place itself on my shoulder. I promptly turned around to find that it belonged to Aqua, who now sported an uncharacteristically serious expression on her face.
"Hold up for a sec, would you kindly?" she calmly stated. "In all of the excitement, I only just now noticed something missing during the tour. The kegs of beer, the bubbly that once lined the shelves...all of it is missing. Where, pray tell, are they exactly?"
Not registering the imminent danger I was in at the time, I answered honestly and casually. "Oh, that stuff? It was cluttering my lair, so I went ahead and sold it for extra money. Worth quite a lot too. I guess discontinued alcohol fetches a pretty eris, heh."
Aqua slowly nodded, taking her hand off my shoulder before saying, "Okay. That's what I thought. Because I'm merciful, I'll be nice and give you a ten second head start. Better make it count."
At first, I didn't know what to make of Aqua when she began counting down from ten. It wasn't until noticing Megumin and Darkness motioning for me to run that it finally clicked in my head and I legged it up the stairs, an angry goddess ready to pass Judgement onto me.
Only until I was certain that I successfully shook Aqua off my tail did I allow myself to relax. I swear, that girl can be just as scary as Wuya sometimes, if not more so! Then again, she is an immortal, and being terrifying does seem to be an immortal's signature MO. So I guess it's just to be expected at this point.
Musings aside, I expertly climbed out of the barrel I was hiding in and went for a midafternoon stroll through downtown Axel. I don't normally like going outside, especially in broad daylight where I'm forced to seek shade, but even I have my limits when it comes to staying indoors 24/7. After a while, you get a little stir crazy being locked inside your own lair and just need a little change in scenery. Or need to get out of the house to avoid having to deal with your horny, hot roommate -
I came to a screeching halt, uncaring of any strange looks the townsfolk were giving me when I did. This was getting ridiculous. Every time I so much as think of that weirdo, I start crushing on her like she were Chase-fucking-Young! This has got to stop and now. The problem is, I don't know how to make it stop or where to even begin for that matter. I just need a sign!
Little did I know that I would get exactly what I asked for in that very moment. It would also go on to mark the beginning of a significant next step in my life, believe it or not.
I noticed something eye-catching and pink in my peripheral vision. Turning my head, I noticed it was a small sign left propped up beside the entrance of a secluded, dark alley. I was curious (and had nothing else planned), so I walked over to it in order to get a closer look.
Welcome to the Dream House, read the sign, followed by a silhouette of a girl with wings and a tail striking a pose lifted straight from a pinup magazine.
Using my Farsight skill, I peeked into the alleyway to find an innocuous set of double doors awaiting me at the very end. Promiscuous flyers also covered the walls around the entrance. I've never been into one personally, but I didn't need any more context clues to identify a strip club when I see one.
"Man of culture as well?"
I nearly had a heart attack before whipping around to face that chump I karate-chopped a while back: Kazuma. He finally ditched that ugly tracksuit and was decked out in a medieval ranger outfit complete with a shoulder length green cloak.
He was also accompanied by…shit, Keith and Dust. I was hoping not to run into them right now, or ever. Given that we're all adventurers, it was inevitable that we'd run into each other again, but still.
"Hey, Jack! Long time no see! How ya been?" Keith greeted with a seemingly friendly attitude. "We're all still cool, right? Last time you were with us, you kinda just ran away before we made it back to town."
"Yeah, why'd why wuss out on my team like that, huh?" Dust, AKA Tomato Boy, challenged. "From what I'm told, it sounded like you didn't do a complete shit job out there, yet you still bailed on them. Did you finally crack under pressure like the whiny baby you are – OW!"
Keith proved to be on my side when he backhanded his partner mid insult. "Dude, shut the fuck up. At least he actually helped us complete our quest. It was a total shitshow for his party the second you linked up with them. Seriously, it's like you have to make everyone's life a living hell."
"I'm telling you, they were the problem, not me!" Dust defended vehemently. "First that bratty Archwizard blew up an empty field and went limp! Then that freaky Crusader willingly threw herself at a wild Beginner's Bane just to get mauled! And the Archpriest? She tripped on a rock and spent the whole day crying about it! I'm telling ya, I have never seen such a dysfunctional party in all my life!"
"Uh-huh, sure, whatever you say," Keith mumbled, obviously not convinced in the slightest. Given my personal experience leading those three knuckleheads, Dust's recount sounded pretty on brand for them.
The two jacket-wearing adventurers argued for a good bit before Kazuma spread his arms out and barked, "Guys, CHILL! I know we have our differences, and we may have done something to piss one another off. But at the end of the day, we're all still guys with needs. That's why we all came to this hallowed ground for one thing and one thing only…"
Keith and Dust stopped fighting and smirked dangerously at one another, along with Kazuma as they all spoke in unison:
"Dream services~"
"Dream services?" I questioned. "What's that?"
The trio of teenagers suddenly dropped their smirks to stare at me funny. It took a solid three seconds for Kazuma to say, "Wait…you mean nobody's told you yet?"
"Told me what?"
With almost no warning, I was pulled into a spontaneous group huddle with these bozos. Kazuma took the lead, "Jack, what we are about to tell you is a trade secret only the men of Axel are allowed to know about."
"With the exception of Taylor who will undoubtedly snitch. Damn prude..." Keith added bitterly, Dust nodding in agreement.
"You must not, under any circumstances, reveal this to any of the girls, least of all the ones in your party," Kazuma said pointedly. "Do you swear to take this secret with you to the grave?"
"I may be a rouge who doesn't play the rules, but even I have enough decency to uphold the Bro Code," I answered, half-joking but also half-serious. "You have my word."
"Good, just wanted to make sure," Kazuma said while looking over to check if anyone was eavesdropping. Once he was done checking, he whispered, "Dust and Keith are the ones who introduced me to this place. Down that alleyway is a shop run entirely by Succubi, and they'll give you the hottest, nastiest, kinkiest dreams imaginable."
Oh…OH.
"Best part is that it's completely free too!" Tomato Boy chimed in. "Instead of paying with money, you pay with only a small amount of your vitality that they take away while you sleep. But don't worry, it's not enough to where it's dangerous or nothin'. I hear it's how they feed."
This...sounded way too good to be true; there had to be some kind of catch. One does not make deals with demons and get away scot-free. I don't trust this for one second!
Before I could excuse myself, however, Kazuma yanked me by the hand and guided me down the alley with the jacket twins blocking my only way out. "I need this, you need this, there's no harm done. Besides, it's a step up from what men like us normally have do to relieve stress."
Wonderful, now I have to purify my hand after this. I'll ask Aqua to do it later assuming she cools down, which admittedly shouldn't take very long. She's proven to be almost as distractible as me on several occasions.
We arrived at the inconspicuous doors at the end of the alleyway, Kazuma opening it and stepping right inside with no fucks given. Dust and Keith followed in his footsteps, leaving me alone to decide whether I dare enter as well.
It took a bit of hyping myself up to do it, but…I walked inside. What've I got to lose, right...?
My teenaged brain went into maximum overdrive the moment I stepped inside the shop. The room was lavish, with cushioned waiting booths lined up in the back and clean couches for a "comfortable" public experience. Even though there weren't many lights, the room had a soft, atmospheric pink afterglow like someone had used photoshop in real life. Light jazz music played from seemingly nowhere, probably the effect of an auditory illusion spell. But the main feature attraction, and the reason why I was sweating profusely, were the Succubi wearing skimpy outfits serving all the men.
I stood stiff (don't say it) as a board and kept my arms glued to my sides. This…was incredible. Really, it was. But it was also nerve-wracking at the same time. This was way, way out of my comfort zone of silly robots and mad science experiments. Sure, I've had my "downtime" like all other guys my age, but this felt like diving straight into the deep end before conquering the shallow end. I'm not sure if I was ready for this yet…
"Ahh, Kazuma, welcome back~! I see you brought along some new friends," said an approaching Succubus with long pink hair and a huge pair weighing her down. "Shall I escort you to your usual booth while we 'take care' of your pals?"
The brown-haired adventurer smiled stupidly and nodded vigorously. As the Succubus walked behind him and gently ushered him elsewhere, she snapped her fingers, summoning three more beautiful Succubi to take me and the jacket duo to separate waiting booths. God, even having their hands on my shoulders was enough to get my heart racing! Was this the power of their aphrodisiac magic!?
As soon as the Succubus guided me to an available booth, I immediately rushed over to sit down, grabbing one of the many assorted pillows and awkwardly placing it atop my lap. The demoness giggled and said she'd be right back to "attend" me before walking away. Now I truly felt stranded.
C'mon, Jack, you're a world conqueror for badness' sake! World conquers shouldn't have mini panic attacks inside a room with half naked women! Pull yourself together, man!
Light snickering coming from my left snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned my head and saw a distinct mohawk poking above the paper screen separating us. No…it couldn't be, could it?
The Mohawk Man peered over the screen and grinned once he noticed me. "Huh, fancy seeing you here. Welcome to the Dream House, my friend. Enjoying the view so far?"
If I weren't already nervous before, I was doubly so now. What was with this guy's interest in me? I get I'm somewhat of a controversial figure in town, but something about him gives me the heebie-jeebies and I don't know why.
Thankfully, I wouldn't have to put up with Mohawk Man for long as he stood up from his booth and prepared to head out. "Well, I'd like to stay and play catch up, but I should get moving. Don't dream anything I wouldn't, tough guy!"
"Uh…wouldn't dream of it," I said lamely.
That got him barreling with laughter as he walked away. "You a funny bastard, you know that!"
I wasn't trying to be funny…
After Mohawk Man stepped out of the picture, the same Succubus who escorted me to my seat came back. Her, um…"main attractions" were still on full display, only barely concealed by her bra and G-string. She then decided to, uh, well...f-fondle herself for me as she spoke.
"Missed me, cutie? I know I did~ I take it this is your first time engaging in our services?"
I didn't know what else to say except for, "…y-yes?"
The Succubus hummed knowingly, "Oh yeah, definitely a newcomer. Let me assure you, honey, you have nothing to be ashamed of for coming here. This is meant to be a place of relaxation after all. So loosen up a little! You look so tense, doll!"
Easy for you to say, lady! Think about how I must feel right now! I've never been into a brothel before. Or a strip house. Or whatever the hell this place is supposed to be! I can't not feel tense just sitting in here!
The hot lady spoke again, "Now, the fine gentlemen you came in with probably already told you about our establishment, but we Succubi have a mutually beneficial relationship with the male adventurers of Axel. You may have noticed that many of the fresh recruits are forced to bunk in stables, yes?"
"I am intimately aware of that, yes," I admitted, biting back an irritated groan at the word I just used. I'm still deciding if I even want to get intimate with sexy dream demons!
"Well, you can imagine how sexually frustrated men can get when they have to sleep right up next to their female partners in enclosed spaces," she went on, never taking her hands off her tits. "Relieving tension can be a very risky business in situations like that. Which is where we come in!"
The Succubus took a break from exploiting herself right in front of me to get a little too up close and personal with my face. "For the small price of a negligible amount of your vitality, we Succubi will provide you that sweet, sweet relief in the safety of your own dreams. And before you ask, the siphoning of your vitality is completely painless and will not negatively impact your overall health. If anything, by the time you wake up, you'll be feeling more refreshed than ever before~"
O-Oh my god...
GET A GRIP ALREADY, SPICER! If you can't handle a couple of pretty faces, how can you expect to rule a planet, huh? Prove that you've got what it takes to be a tyrant and request a lucid wet dream already! There's no shame in it, and what your party doesn't know won't hurt them. You've got nothing to lose expect your virginity...I think. Does it count if it happens in a dream? Probably not.
I was pulled out of my train of thought when I was handed a clipboard with some attached documents. The Succubus winked at me and explained, "All it takes is some light paperwork to have the dream of your life, handsome. If you have any questions about the form, don't be afraid to ask. This is a safe place, after all, so we won't judge."
What's that supposed to mean? Is what I wanted to say but didn't because I lived in fear of the answer I would receive. The less I know about these adventurers' fantasies, the better.
Shuddering at that cursed thought, I channeled my focus into reviewing the contents of the sign-up sheet. There was a wide net of options to choose from and along with some fill-in-the-blanks in case none of the questions appealed to my tastes. As for the questions themselves, they ranged from what I wanted to look like in my dream to my ideal setting for the "magic" to happen. There was even a checkbox I could tick for what age and gender I wanted to be! It was wild!
Well...if I was going to go through with this, I'd be fine with just being myself, obviously. Actually, no, scratch that. Since this is a dream, I'd want to be the ruler of the world and have a big, futuristic castle overlooking a barren wasteland ripe for expansion! Oh - and my bedroom would be this super dark shade of red that I could actually tell was red and have melted candlesticks like in those romance novels single mothers read! Yeah, and as for my partner - !
I took a break from looking down at the paper to blink my burning eyes. I didn't even realize I was in the zone writing. Was...was I actually going through with this? It all came so naturally to me. Maybe even a little too naturally. I guess having only a limited access to the internet back on Earth has left me a bit...unfulfilled in certain needs.
"Everything alright, hon?" The Succubus asked in a sultry tone.
"Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Just...deciding..." I embarrassingly admitted.
She giggled, "Perfectly understandable. This must be a lot for you to take in all at once. But please, don't be pressured. Take your time in detailing your ideal dream scenario. Can't rush perfection as you humans say~"
I nodded as I stared back down at my paper. Looks like I really was going through with this. It'd look weird if I backed out now; every guy in town will probably judge me for it till the day I rule the world. Might as well make the most out of the situation.
But as for my dream partner...who did I want it to be? First person that comes to mind is Chase Young; he was my biggest crush for the longest time. But, like milk, my feelings for him have soured over the years, and I think I'd rather keep moving on without him weighing down my thoughts. He was simply no longer worth it in my eyes...
There was always Kimiko I guess. I did kinda have a thing for her before I got to meet and work with Chase in-person. She's feisty, tech-savvy, and can kick butt! Although it was usually my butt she kicked. And she was also the most vocal of the monks when it came to belittling me. Yeah...the more I think about it, the more I realize she wasn't who I wanted in my Succubus dream either. Much like with Chase, it was best to simply forget about her along with the others.
But then what about…Darkness? I know it sounds super weird given that she's my teammate and all, but to be fair she's weird herself. Besides, I'm the bad guy here, why should I have to abide by morals? Not that there's anything inherently wrong with having a wet dream about someone you think is hot. Still, I'm a villain, fuck you anyway.
Dodging my guilty conscience aside, this was possibly a chance to maybe lift some weight off my shoulders. If I indulge just this once and request a sexy fun dream starring Darkness, perhaps I can finally lay this stupid crush to rest. I don't want to keep pining over people I have zero chances with, I learned that lesson the hard way. So maybe, just maybe, if I do this...I can finally have my cake and eat it too.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I have a hard time looking at one of my party members for a while? A week or two holed up in my new lab ought to remedy that. Succubus shop, do yo thang!
After I finished writing down my specifications and signing my initials on the dotted line (but not before reading the fine print), I handed the forms back to the Succubus who had been patiently standing before me the whole time.
"Thank you so much for choosing to engage in our services, cutie!" gushed the demoness on a sickeningly sweet voice. "Before you go, just remember one thing: no alcohol tonight. We Succubi can't enter your dreams while your loaded, so stay away from that bottle! You hear?"
"That won't be a problem," I stated casually. "I'm more of a soda jerk than a booze guy. Consider me completely sober!"
It was dusk by the time I made it back to Spicer Mansion II. After signing off the forms to spiritual adulthood, I spent the rest of the day walking around the entire perimeter of Axel. Twice.
Even though I was going to get laid in my dreams later tonight, it still left me to grapple with the implications that came with it. Like, if it's a real life girl entering my dream to have sex with me, would that technically make me a half-virgin? Would it feel as real as the Succubus said it would? Would I need new bedsheets by tomorrow morning? I'm really hoping that last one turns out to be a hard no.
I don't even know why I'm so hung up about this. I should be jumping for joy about a guaranteed lucid sex dream featuring Darkness! This was my chance to safely "let off some steam" and carry on without the burden of a one-sided puppy crush. So why did I have a sinking feeling in my gut? Maybe it's last minute jitters or something…Yeah, let's go with that.
Shaking off my random bout of paranoia, I made a brisk jog up to my front doorstep. Upon letting myself in, was immediately greeted by one of my trusted creations.
"Welcome home, Master!" chirped the JackBot. "Shall I take your coat?"
I allowed myself a small smile and slid off my trench coat. I can always count on robots to help calm my nerves. "Thanks, man. Owe you one."
"Just doing my job, sir," the bot insisted as he grasped my coat in his claws. "Also, I should inform you that your associates wish to see you in the living room. They've prepared a surprise and are waiting on you to initiate it."
The robot retreated into the bowels of the mansion, leaving me to wonder what exactly the girls had in store. Slightly fearful of the potential horrors they could've made all by themselves, I made a beeline for the living room. After a few twists and turns, I finally found my way to the threshold and spotted the girls chatting it up at the dinner table in their jammies. Laid out in front of them was an assortment of plates, silverware, and what had to be the surprise the JackBot alluded to: steamed crab.
Aqua was the first to take notice of my presence and she excitedly waved me over. Seemed the scatterbrain forgot she was supposed to be hunting me down.
"There you are, Jack! About time you brought your slow butt back home!" Aqua playfully mocked, taking two pincers from one of the crabs and moving them around. "Tonight, we dine like kings! Big ol' pinchy crabbies!"
"Father sent me these marbled red crabs as a sort of housewarming gift," Darkness explained as a WaiterBot set the table with large, dark-colored bottles that clearly grabbed Aqua's attention. "I thought it was only customary to share this meal with my fellow teammates."
Megumin stood up from her chair and pumped herself up by declaring, "This day will mark not just the first time I get to have food this fancy, but also the first alcoholic drink I get to have with it! THANK YOOOOU, DARKNEEEESS!"
"Remember: only a small cup," Darkness stressed as she helped WaiterBot with the drinks. "I don't wish to see you become addicted to this stuff. Like Aqua..."
"I still think you should cut her a little more slack, Darkness," Aqua dumbly insisted as she grabbed one of the bottles with glee. "Especially when we're dealing with grade A, top-of-the-shelf, hardcore liquor. The best of the best~"
The hopeless drinker broke out of her trance to suddenly glare daggers my way. "At least I can get my fill for the night, no thanks to a certain someone who thought it would be a great idea to sell all the wine we had in the cellar."
"You have an alcohol problem…"
Aqua's glare briefly intensified. But she quickly shook her head and went back to smiling sweetly at her drink. As long as she's through with chasing me around town, I guess I couldn't care less about what substance she abuses.
"So, I take it marbled red crab is pretty tasty, huh?" I asked Megumin. "It must be if you're this excited about it."
The little kid looked me square in the eye and, with a totally straight face, said, "If you told me I could eat it so long as I go a day without Explosion, I would gladly gorge myself and unleash the biggest Explosion the very next day in an orgasmic release."
Christ Almighty, what was with this girl and sexual innuendos!? I get "Explosion" as a term is relatively easy to make sex jokes out of, but this was getting ridiculous! I'd rather get through dinner without having perverted thoughts clogging up the brain.
Well…at least until I go to bed, that is…
"So of course marbled red crab is good, dummy!" Megumin chirped as she hoped back into her seat, her normal youthful demeanor thankfully returning. "Try some, help yourself, there's plenty to go around!"
Cracking open a leg, the Crimson Demon carefully pulled out a tender piece of crab meat from its shell and dunked it in a cup of melted butter. She brought the soaking seafood into her mouth and took a small bite out of it. That small bite soon turned into a huge-ass chomp as she scarfed the whole thing down, humming in satisfaction.
"Hold on, lemme get some!" Aqua blurted out. The second she was done pouring herself a drink, she reached over the table and plucked herself a leg. Just like Megumin, she cracked it open and dipped the meat into a cup of melted butter. Unlike Megumin, instead of starting off with a small bite, she shoved the whole thing in her mouth. The Archpriest sighed in delight once she finished swallowing it down. "Sho gud~"
Seeing as how two of the three ladies had already given the meal glowing reviews, I tore off a leg for myself. I attempted to crack the shell open to free the meaty goodness within, but all I got were sore palms from gripping the leg tightly. I stopped to catch my breath and strength before going at it a second time. My arms vibrated, and I felt my eyeballs bulge out of their sockets as I tried my hardest to BREAK. OPEN. THE. LEG!
With a delayed reaction, I froze in surprise when a hand from my left quietly took the crab leg I was struggling with. It was Darkness, shooting me an admittedly beautiful smile as she gracefully cracked the leg open for me.
"It looked like you were having some difficulty, so I thought I'd lend a hand," she whispered, with no hint of mockery in her soft tone. Dark then proceeded to hand me back my food as she added, "All you have to do is ask next time. Alright?"
Great, now I feel like a horndog after what I signed myself up for. Dammit...
Forget it, Jack. Just enjoy your fancy seafood and don't dwell on it too much. Think of it like death: it'll happen when it happens and there's no sense worrying about it else you'll be miserable. Not really sure that was the best analogy to use given my particular circumstances, but whatever.
I dipped the crab meat in butter and popped it in my mouth. It was pretty good alright. Coming from a wealthy family, I was no stranger to eating high-class meals with my folks on the rare occasions they took me out to dinner with them. I'm personally more of a fast food kind of teenager, but I like having full-course meals like this every now and again. Dark's parents must be fairly well-off if they could afford and ship a meal of this caliber.
In fact, I even joked about this to her while Megumin took a taste test of her liquor with Aqua. But instead of getting "flustered" like usual, Darkness almost seemed to disregard it entirely.
"They don't normally do this sort of thing," she stated plainly. "It's just a special occasion, nothing more."
Huh, odd. That's the exact kind of dismissal I pull off whenever I'm trying to hide something. Hmm.
Well, whatever that was about, it wasn't high on my priority list, so I dropped it. Perfect timing too because Aqua suddenly whipped out a crude, portable stovetop that only someone in medieval times could come up with and asked me to light it up for her. "I wanna show you all a delicious and creative way to eat crab!" she said.
Thinking nothing of it, I pointed my index at the base of the stove and cast Tinder, sparking a small, controlled flame at the burner. Once the fire got started, Aqua garnered our attention using her own brand of flair.
"Watch the pro do her thing, everyone! First, you'll want to take an empty shell and fill it with loose crab guts."
The water goddess proceeded to lay down strips of meat into an empty, bowl-shaped shell that was once a crab's head.
"Next, let the meat soak in a broth of only the best liquor available!"
Sure enough, Aqua poured some of her drink into the shell and gently stirred it up with her fork, cutting the meat pieces into chunks in the process. I couldn't help but notice how seemingly invested Darkness and Megumin were as their wide eyes stared intently at Aqua's little cooking experiment. Can't say I truly blame them. Watching her was like watching a drunk, female Gordon Ramsay prepping an improvised masterpiece right in front of us.
"Now we just set the bowl above the grill to boil!" Aqua continued to explain while doing just that. We all leaned in with an odd sense of fascination as we watched the alcoholic soup bubble up and cook the meat even further.
After it started to get steamy, Aqua carefully lifted the crab shell up off the stove, proclaiming, "Voilà! You have my own specialty: Aqua's Shellfish Drink! Sip and enjoy!"
Well, I gotta admit, it's a fitting name for someone like her to come up with. Wonder if she even recognizes the irony in it. Probably not.
After watching Aqua take a big swig of her crab-soup-thing and relishing in its taste (likely a result of the alcohol finally taking over), the other two girls immediately went to work replicating the steps. Megumin had to use up most of her one and only drink to make it, but she seemed willing enough to make that sacrifice. I guess that was proof enough that the kid really enjoyed her first taste of alcohol. Good for her I guess.
As I continued to quietly eat my crab, a very large bottle appeared before me, making stop mid-bite. I turned my head to find it was Darkness offering me the liquor.
"I noticed you have yet to pour yourself a drink," she pointed out. "Would you like some? We have a full crate of these to spare, so there's no need to ration it out with the rest of us. Tonight is a night celebrating comradery!"
Slowly finishing the bite I was in the middle of working on, I swallowed my food nervously before saying, "Uh, that's alright, Dark. I don't really drink alcohol."
"You don' drink WHAT!?" screamed a now tipsy Aqua. She had this look on her face like she just found out her whole family was murdered and was only now being told about it. Slamming down her own drink, the drunkard poured herself another glass before holding it out to me, nearly spilling it in the process. "That changes now! Drink up, Jackie! This has been a long time comin'."
"Aqua! He doesn't have to drink if he doesn't want to," Darkness scolded while removing the glass from her hand. "It's his choice in life not to have alcohol and you should respect that."
Great, there she goes making me feel unintentionally guilty about today's decisions again. It's kind of hard to look forward to sexy dream night when the object of my desires is defending me from Aqua and her shenanigans. UGH! Why did I let those horny idiots rope me into this!?
"But…but no drinky alcohol is absurd..." Aqua murmured mostly to herself before addressing me more directly. "Jack, tell me you've at least tried it before. You owe me that much!"
I answered honestly, "Nope, never had a drop. Cola has always been my go-to drink. I'll gladly take caffeine over alcohol any day."
"So you've never once been curious about what it's like?" Megumin questioned incredulously, flat-out ignoring Aqua's existential crisis right beside her. "I've been dying to try it for years. And now that I have, I'm not disappointed; it's actually really good! Are you sure you don't wanna try a sip?"
I was about to reiterate my earlier stance out of sheer exasperation when Aqua suddenly piped up, "Oh, I think I get it! I bet he's too scared to try it because he's a big old chicken who don't got the guts to expand his pallet! We've all seen him get cold feet during battle, that must be what's goin' on here! Heh, classic Jack, always the scaredy cat~"
"Okay, FINE! I'll try the damn liquor! Gimme that glass!"
In a bold move on my part, I snatched the glass Darkness had taken away from Aqua and chugged it just to prove that goddess has-been wrong. At the time, I figured I could get away with only one glass. The Succubus explicitly said not to get loaded on alcohol, nothing about having a single glass. I'd have my little taste test, never touch the stuff again, and for once enjoy going to bed. Simple.
What wasn't simple was actually drinking the liquor itself.
The liquid went down my throat like acid. I resisted the urge to gag and bang the table with my fist, forcing myself to gulp the rest down. Eventually, I was able to swallow it and I practically had to gasp for air as soon as I did. I knew I had a good reason for avoiding that junk! And Aqua drinks crap like that on the regular!? BLAGH!
"I take it you're not a fan?" Megumin asked rhetorically.
"Of course not!" I coughed, rubbing my throat as if it make it feel any better. "That shit was nasty!"
"HEY! That liquor is of sophisticated taste!" Aqua defended with real heat. "Your normie, mortal tongue isn't refined enough to enjoy it like my holy tongue."
"Yeah, well, my consensus is that it belongs in a toxic waste dump," I bitterly replied while shoving the empty glass away. "Drink it till you puke rainbows for all I care, just leave me out of it. You couldn't pay me to drink more of that."
"Oh, is that a bet?" Aqua challenged, a smug smirk forming on her lips. "Let's say you were brave enough to finish another glass. I'll give you my entire cut on the next quest that we complete. But that'll never happen cuz I know you won't do it~"
I crossed my arms and gave her the evil eye. "And what's to stop you from changing your mind at the last minute? Hypothetically, that is."
"Megumin and Darkness," she answered. "They'd be witnesses. If I try to back out, they'll be there to make sure I follow through with my word. Isn't that right, girls?"
Both ladies nodded, leaving me to weigh my options. Should I take the risk of possibly getting drunk and having to choke down more liquor for free money? Or do I walk away with my head held high and be rewarded with a fun dream later on tonight?
…Two glasses and no more. Not that'd I'd want to drink anymore of that crude than I have to. I'm only doing it for the extra dough. And to stick it to that snobby immortal.
"Darkness, hand me that bottle."
"Ooough…"
The first thing that registered in my head was just how much my head actually hurt. I've had some pretty intense headaches before (most of which were caused by Wuya's screeching), but the one I was feeling now was unlike any other. Not only that, but I felt groggy and sick, like on the verge of throwing up. I couldn't even sit up without the whole room spinning, it was that bad.
After what may have been an hour of simply laying where I was, groaning, I eventually willed myself to sit up. I did so, slowly, and was rewarded with not feeling like I wanted to hose down the living room in vomit.
Wait…the living room?
Once the blurring, intense colors of the world finally stopped hurting my eyes, I could see that I was, in fact, still in the living room. I've been laying on the couch the whole time. Looking out the windows, I put a hand up close to my eyes when the morning sunlight nearly blinded my retinas.
But hang on…wouldn't sunlight mean I slept through the night? Oh no, I can't remember anything from last night! What the hell happened!? What about the dream!?
"Oh, good. You're up."
The sound of Darkness's voice startled me. For a nanosecond, I thought this was actually the start of the dream. That illusion was shattered when I noticed Aqua and Megumin accompanying her. The former held a cup of water in her hands while the latter held out a small mound of some kind of powder on a napkin before carefully dumping it into the water.
"Here, you'll wanna drink this," Aqua said as she handed me the cup. "It's an herbal substance that helps with hangovers. Go on, buddy, drink up."
Despite the dubious substance the girls spiked my water with, It did make me realize then and there just how damn thirsty I was. I greedily gulped it all down with no problems. Of course, I already felt the strong urge to pee soon after I woke up, but I'd just have to hold it in the meantime; any sudden movements and there could be crab spewed all over the carpets.
"What happened last night?" I weakly groaned, setting aside the cup to rub my temples. "You said something about hangovers? That would mean I had too much to drink, yeah? But I only had two glasses…"
Aqua poked her index fingers together for a bit before answering. "Yeah, about that…you had a little more than just two glasses last night."
"We all got kinda drunk during last night's dinner party," Megumin elaborated, scratching the back of her neck in an embarrassed way. "Aqua drank like she normally did while Darkness had a few bottles too many. As for me, well...pretty sure I smuggled a bottle when everyone else started to get inebriated."
"I knew allowing you even a small cup was a bad idea..." Darkness sighed wearily at Megumin before taking a seat next to me on the couch. "After you took Aqua's bet, you started to get a bit more daring with the liquor, claiming it wasn't so bad after the second taste. That's when the alcohol's effects must've kicked in and you began helping yourself to some more."
So…I actually did it then. I got drunk for the first time in my life and got my first ever hangover. But at the cost of missing my Succubus dream…
I know should be mad at myself, but honestly? Part of me was kinda glad I dodged it. I don't think I was ready for something intense like that. If anything, it probably would've only made things more awkward between me and Darkness. Maybe getting too drunk for REM-sleep was for the better in the end.
But hey, at least I can confidently say I got drunk before. Can finally scratch that off the old "things-to-do-as-a-teenager" bucket list. Now to never do it again.
"There's just one thing I don't understand," I said to everyone. "How do you all remember any of this? I can hardly recall a thing from last night."
For some reason, the girls glanced at one another in an odd way. Suddenly, it seemed as though there was something important at the forefront of their minds.
"One of your robots filmed most of the event and already showed it to us," Aqua answered slowly, like she was trying to be careful about what she said. "That's how we remembered what happened."
Of course, as soon as she finished explaining, the robot she claimed filmed our drunken mishap entered the living room. No surprise, it was one of my newly built CameraBots, complete with his metallic director's cap and vintage movie camera with the little film reels on top. Somehow I knew my love for cinematography would come back to bite me in the ass.
"Oh, Spielberg, why?" I asked the bot. "Why would you do me dirty like that?"
CB-5P13LB3R6 responded with, "You said you wanted a blooper reel for your world domination movie. I thought it'd make for a funny highlight, so I filmed you getting drunk for the first time."
I sighed in defeat, clearly remembering talking about my want for a blooper reel to the CameraBots. All the best movies had outtakes and funny behind-the-scenes featurettes, so of course I wanted that for my film project. I only have myself to blame here.
"Yeah, I did say that, didn't I? Alright, fair enough. Go ahead and roll the film for me, would ya? Might as well learn to laugh at myself."
With due diligence, the bot aimed his camera at a blank wall and projected the film onto it. We all watched what Spielberg filmed last night and…wow. The girls were right, we really were drunk off our asses.
Case in point, I was doing and saying all sorts of embarrassing things that I refuse to go into detail. You'll just have to use your imagination, sorry-not-sorry. What I will say is I apparently had no problems with getting real chummy with my teammates while under the influence. Drunk Jack was draping his arms around them, hugging them, and just having no sense of personal space in general. I guess this was documented proof that I'm a "happy drunk" whenever I'm loaded up on alcohol (which was a total 180 from what I expected myself to be when intoxicated).
As embarrassing as it was to watch, I did admit it was kinda funny in a surreal sense. Drunk Jack was sort of like a less cringey version of Good Jack, my disgustingly friendly alter ego. He also seemed to get along much better with Drunk Aqua in the film. I even caught myself chuckling a little during the runtime, but noticed the others weren't so much as snickering. I wondered why that was until the last scene played out, and their behavior started to make sense.
In the film, I had suddenly started to get all teary-eyed and emotional, with the drunken ladies getting worried and asking me what was wrong. Then, with zero self-control, I let THIS slip out:
"Is jus'…I just…shit, I'm sorry guys. I wanna like you, I really do. I-I wanna get *hic* close to ya, make connections, all that good stuff, y'know? But like…I'm scared, y'know? I'm scared of opening myself up again, so I keep you all in the dark about *hic* 'bout how I'm really feelin' and I just…I dunno, I needed to get that off mah chest…Hey M-Bomb, there any more o' dat liq-liq-uh, adult juice stuff?"
Then the projection faded, leaving me in a tense situation I was woefully unprepared for. One by one, the girls looked at me, and I felt like a wild animal backed into a corner. How could two glasses of liquor lead to something like this!? This was supposed to be a fun night for me for fuck's sake!
"Jack…" Darkness calmly started. "Is this true? Did you really mean what you said in that illusion back there? Because it sounded like more than just drunk ramblings..."
My heart was threatening to jump out of my chest when Megumin and Aqua closed in on me, kneeling down to level with my eyes. Darkness putting her hand on my lap didn't help things either. All I really wanted to do was to scream as loud as I could until everything magically went back to normal. But I knew that was only wishful thinking on my part.
"…I -"
Whatever I was about to say got cut off by the sound of…warning sirens?
"DESTROYER INBOUND! DESTROYER INBOUND!" blared the woman's voice over the town's PA system. "THE MOBILE FORTRESS DESTROYER IS ON ITS WAY!"