As my team, BuilderBot, and I stared at the seemingly innocent treasure chest sitting all by itself in a big empty room that was previously hidden from everyone…I put on my skeptic hat.

This was not my first time dealing with deceptively harmless boxes. If this container in front of us was anything like the puzzle box Dad sent me three years ago, I wanted nothing to do with it. I don't think I could handle any more mystical treasure hunts that end in broken ribs and humiliation.

"Bob, take that chest and get rid of it," I commanded without pause. "Don't care how you do it, don't wanna know how. Just. Get. Rid of it. That's a direct order."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a sec, Jack!" Megumin interjected while sticking her arm out in front of Bob. Apparently she was surprised by my swift assessment that the mystery chest in a murder dungeon wasn't worth keeping around. "Shouldn't we at least check it first? What if it's full of gold or jewels or other valuable loot?"

"Not happening," I quickly retorted, crossing my arms to show that I wasn't kidding around. "Last time I opened a mystery box, Wuya popped out of it. And the less said about that smelly old ghost hag, the better."

"Jack, I understand you've had a bad experience with a similar scenario. But you can't assume every box will have some ancient entity locked within!" Darkness tried to counter, clearly missing just how resolute I was. "Is it really that big of a risk to open a single chest?"

"Yes! Very much so!" I argued while gesturing wildly around the room. "Doesn't this whole setup seem a little fishy to you guys? A hidden passageway in a dungeon that looks to have been picked clean leading to an empty room with nothing but a tacky treasure chest? If this were a video game, we'd have no problems. But this isn't a video game, it's real life! With video game-like mechanics!"

After pausing to process my own words for a bit, I realized that last part probably didn't help my case. Spoke before thinking yet again. Gotta learn to quit doing that already...

Before I could think way to avoid dwelling on the subject of video games (considering how long of a chat that would be compared to trains), I noticed a certain water goddess had been suspiciously silent up until now.

Glancing past Darkness and Megumin, I realized that she wasn't standing behind them. As such, I swiftly turned around to check my six, and caught her inching towards the chest with greedy intentions.

"NO!"

Like a leopard, I pounced on the idiot who was potentially close to dooming us all to another three years of constant nagging and ghostly body odor. Seeing as how Aqua was to my knowledge a girl, restraining her was something that didn't come naturally to me. If I grabbed her by the legs, I'd be subject to her bare goddess ass directly above me. If I wrapped my arms around her waist, well...that'd be kinda awkward too. With my options limited, I simply went with trying to hold her back by her underarms. That seemed the safest bet, right?

"Jack…before we address how utterly stupid this looks, I want to ask you something real quick," Aqua stated calmly, turning her head back to fix me an unamused stare. "I'm a goddess and you're a mortal human. Do you really think you're strong enough to restrain me?"

"Oh, just emasculate me further, why don't ya?" I replied sarcastically, fixing the pompous sorta-immortal my own unamused glare. "Look, even if I have no chance of success, I'm still gonna do everything in my power to stop you. Never underestimate a villain's dogmatic persistence, Aqua."

"Alright, if that's the card you wanna play, fine by me," Aqua replied with a simple shrug, one that was somehow strong enough to shake me off of her and make me land flat on my back. The Archpriest proceeded to saunter over to the chest while I was busy coming to terms with my battered masculinity. "Nothing personal, just curious to see what riches we've stumbled upon. And now that we've got that sorted out…!"

I pulled myself out of my funk just in time to see Aqua flip open the treasure chest with an overly dramatic, "Woosh!". In a futile scramble, I clambered up to the demigod and tried to close the chest again only to peer inside and realize something.

It was completely empty.

"Wait, seriously?" I couldn't help but ask my dumbfounded self. "I mean, actual nothing is better than a fifteen-hundred-year-old evil spirit, but seriously? All that build-up for an empty chest?"

"Wow. That's…disappointing," Megumin grumbled, though a small smile did linger on her face as she glanced around us and held up her hands in a devil-may-care kind of shrug. "Maybe the real treasure was the friends we made along the way, eh?"

I groaned as loudly as obnoxiously as I could. "I hate how accurate that is. You really are my evil apprentice, M-bomb, and I love/hate you for it."

"Hmm. Personally, I feel that the hate could be a little more zesty. But I suppose that's just a matter of taste, now isn't it~?"

An unfamiliar voice chimed it, resulting in all four of us jumping violently. We drew whatever we had for protection and spun around to face the direction the voice came from. I don't know what I was expecting...but I still didn't expect it.

"My god...it's the Phantom of the Opera!" I exclaimed fearfully before plugging up my ears. "Quick, cover your ears before he sings our brains out! I don't do musicals!"

"Ohohoho! Aren't you a wealth of negativity, my young pale friend!" The masked man chortled, a wide grin adorning the exposed section of his face as he assumed a dramatic pose. "But moi is no mere phantom, dear boy! I am the All-Seeing Vanir, yet you've managed to catch me by surprise! No small feat given my powers of divination. I genuinely wasn't expecting to have guests so soon."

Upon closer examination, I realized my accusation was slightly misplaced. While the man in front of us did wear a vaguely similar mask, it was fully intact and covered most of his face save for his mouth and chin. It was vertically divided down the middle between white on his right side and black on his left, almost like a jester mask. And while he had two small, crescent-shaped eye holes above two little star marks…I had a sneaking feeling those "holes" were his actual eyes. Sounds crazy, I know, but the dude did appear behind us out of thin air after we opened an empty treasure chest. He kinda already had voodoo written all over him.

But other than all that, he just looked like a regular human with slicked black hair and a clean butler suit.

"Oh, sorry," I apologized once I deduced this Vanir guy wasn't one of my least favorite fictional villains. "I thought you were something else. Something long-winded and boring in my opinion."

Before the well-dressed man had a chance to reply, Aqua suddenly lunged forward with a shout, her hand radiating holy energy as she attempted to strike him down. Without pause, Vanir sidestepped the punch. And the next. And the next. For about the next minute and a half (give or take), the rest of my party and I watched the two dance around each other in a one-sided battle as Aqua missed every single punch. Was Darkness's Stormtrooper aim starting to rub off on her? Shit, I hope I'm not next!

"Uh…that's a real good impersonation of Darkness, Aqua," I said, feeling my cheeks heat up slightly when said Crusader let slip an erotic gasp right beside me. "But care to explain why you're playing charades with the weird, creepy, mask man?"

"I'm not...playing a game...Spicer!" Aqua spat between ragged breaths, looking genuinely winded as she took a step back, glaring viciously at the still smirking Vanir. "This thing is no man. He reeks of unholy magic. He's a demon."

"Well I kinda already figured he wasn't human," I stated casually as I watched Vanir pretend to brush dirt off his clothes. "I guess demon makes sense, I hear they come in many forms. Or is that with the devil...? Actually, is there even a difference between a devil and a demon?"

"Yes and no," Vanir replied comfortably, not at all bothered by Aqua's attempted smiting. "My kind has a hierarchy based on one's power level. Archdemons like moi are the ruling class in Hell, while everyone else is either high, mid, or low-ranked. 'Devil' is just a fancier title reserved for us high-ranked demons, although you're free to take it or leave it."

"Oh, okay. Thanks for the clarification!"

"JACK! DON'T THANK HIM!" Aqua nagged.

"Indeed, no thanks are necessary. I grow bored of discussing semantics anyway," Vanir fake-yawned before snapping his fingers. "A far more interesting topic would be my explanation as to why I am even here! Now that's something everyone can benefit from, yes? A little entertainment for us all!"

"Eh, sure, why not? I could go for Storytime," I said as I attempted to make myself comfortable on the stone floor. "Anything to distract me from the fact that I'm on the run and have very little idea of what I'm doing."

"Seriously?" Megumin asked me with an incredulous look.

"Aren't you a little curious about what this guy's deal is?" I rebutted while gesturing to Vanir, who simply waved back innocently. "He's offering us free info, and knowledge is power as they say. Let's just hear him out first and decide what to after."

While the girls obviously shared their hesitation with each other, they eventually relented and sat down on the floor next to me. We now gave the masked devil our full, undivided attention, and his grin never faltered. In fact, it only seemed to get brighter. Seems even he was excited about this.

"Splendid! It has been far too long since I last had a proper audience!" He chuckled, before straightening out his posture and clearing his throat before entering a more theatrical tone. "Allow moi to set the stage: it was a long time ago, so long in fact that complex life had yet to form. A primordial era where gods and devils warred against each other in a battle so dragged out, we forgot the winner! Although I'm pretty sure it was my side that won since I was one of Hell's heavy hitters back then. Still am too~"

"I already hate this story...!" Aqua growled to herself, her hands clawing at her legs and an anger vein threatening to burst on her forehead.

"Just you wait, it only gets better!" Vanir promised, clearly enjoying himself over Aqua's stewing. "Fast forward a few eons. Moi is now a respected Duke of Hell and just signed up for the Devil King's Army! I was dispatched to Axel to find out what became of my fellow general, Beldia, the poor scamp. However, moi considers himself more of a free agent that merely takes the king's orders as suggestions. So when I stumbled upon this lovely little dungeon here, well...you know what they say about opportunity!"

Woah. That was a lot to unpack in a short span of time. Though one part in particular did stick out in all of that.

"OH…s-so you're one of the Devil King's generals, huh? That's…cool," I stated in the most natural tone I could muster without shitting my pants. "Say, uh, what was that part about not caring about the mission you were assigned to? Isn't the Devil King, like, your boss or something? Don't you get court-martialed for that?"

"HAH! Moi would like to see him try! Aside from the objective fact I'm more powerful than him, the old coot couldn't care less about what I do anyway. Like a certain ditzy Lich, moi is mostly a general in name only; simply maintaining the barrier to the Devil King's castle. I really took this mission out of boredom when I stumbled upon this lovely little dungeon on the way to Axel. It seemed like the perfect place to fulfill my avatar's lifelong dream!"

Still processing all this surprising information, Vanir did a dramatic twirl followed by a pose that wouldn't look out of place if Megumin did it. "Picture this: an elaborate, sprawling dungeon filled with the toughest monsters you can find, with moi as the final boss! A team of noble and strong adventurers strike me down, only to be rewarded with an empty treasure chest, much like the one you four stumbled into! They're distraught, full of disappointment of the highest caliber! Oh, 'twould be a banquet of epic proportions! Hahahahah~!"

…

I made a mental note to look beside me for the girls' reactions. Yup, they were just as flabbergasted as I was.

"...that's it?" I finally asked after what felt like an eternity of not finding my voice. "Your lifelong dream is to troll some randos before you let them kill you? That...has got to be the WEAKEST villain motivation I've ever heard! You say you stronger than your boss, yet you don't even wanna overthrow him and seize power for yourself!?"

"Hmm? But isn't that so... cliché?" Vanir retorted with a tilt of his head, throwing his arms up dramatically. "Why would moi want to kill the Devil King? I have no interest in his army - unless it's harvesting the succulent negative emotions out of them~ Moi can never truly 'die' in the conventional sense, so why not have a little fun by toying with some delightful humans on the way out? That sounds much more entertaining compared to a simple coup d'état!"

"Wait, so you're immortal!?" I squawked in shock, finding myself standing up from the sheer absurdity coming out of this loser's mouth. "That gives you even less of an excuse! You can't die, you claim to be more powerful than the Devil King, world domination is practically gift wrapped for you! And you wanna throw it all away in favor of a cheap gag? I'm sorry, you may have crazy demon powers, but I gotta call it like I see it: you're lame!"

To my surprise, Vanir simply bellowed in laughter like I had just told him the funniest joke (ironic given that he was proving himself to be that). After wiping an imaginary tear from his mask's eye, he responded properly, tone nonetheless amused.

"Oh, how you wound my pride! Moi may never heal from such a grievous blow to his self-esteem! HAH! You may not understand my motivations, young man, but I can assure you that 'evil' is not the be-all and end-all of life. This is coming from an Archdemon, so you know that must say something."

I've already met evil demons and the like. His words held about as much weight as a feather in outer space.

"Pffft! Get a load of this loser," I scoffed, turning back to my official new friends. "Doesn't even grasp the fine art of evil. He's even more pathetic than me! Wait, no, that came out wrong..."

"My, you are a particularly curious specimen, aren't you?" Vanir replied, his grin widening as he titled his head again in examination. "Such a wonderful mind you have. So full of self-loathing, anger, doubt, fear...you have quite the baggage upstairs, don't you~?"

"Hey! There's more going on upstairs than just mommy issues, Circus Face!" I quickly retorted, stepping up to the masked "superloser" and jabbing a finger in his…oddly earthy chest. "I'll have you know that I am also a certified evil teen genius! I have the IQ tests I cheated on to prove it!"

Vanir just continued to laugh while the girls gave me respective looks that seemed a little too close to pity. I quickly realized how embarrassing this actually was for me and folded in on myself, causing the devil prick to laugh even harder. But thankfully, just as it got more obnoxious, he abruptly stopped. Now Vanir was looking at me with an inquisitive glare befitting a scientist studying something under a microscope.

"Uh…hey, bud? Eyes up here," I said with a quick snap of the fingers.

"...how curious indeed," Vanir muttered, his tone drastically more guarded as he held his gaze and folded his hands behind his back. "Moi can brush aside the minor discrepancies. The feeling there should be someone else leading this party of yours. The sense you truly have arrived to this dungeon too early. All of that is easy enough to dismiss. But your golems - no! Your 'robots'..."

My robots? Oh yeah, the homeboys! How could I possibly forget?

"Well finally, someone who can use proper nomenclature!" I practically cheered, striding over to BuilderBot Bob and snaking an arm over his metallic shoulders. "Yeah, these bad boys are way cooler than any dumb old golem, and smarter too! This one right here even has a great sense of evil fashion."

I turned my attention over to the previous owner of Bob's new eyepatch. "You were right, Megumin. Bob really does rock your style! I may have to hire you on as a creative consultant for future JackBot designs."

When I looked to Megumin, I noticed that she and the others seemed a little tense, all of them looking past me and at Vanir. Turning back to the demon in confusion, I noticed his smile still hadn't returned. The lackadaisical vibe he seemed to radiate early on was gone. Something was wrong, bad-wrong, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"You know...I have an unspoken rule I like to abide by. I try to avoid killing humans whenever possible. Aside from the fact their negative emotions are a devil's food source, I've always had a soft spot for the fleshy mortal things," Vanir stated calmly, before a sharp red gleam peaked out from the left side of his mask as he unfolded his hands. "But if you are who I think you are...then I sadly will have to make an exception to that rule."

My blood ran cold when I heard the sheer sincerity in his tone. I discreetly tapped my wrist communicator, sending a message to all available bots to be ready to come downstairs and protect me, noncombative units included.

"Now wait just a moment, Vanir!" Darkness interjected, stepping in front of me and raising her hands in a complacent manner. "I haven't the slightest idea who you suspect Jack might be, but I can assure you that he is no threat to you!"

"Yeah! Jack can be a pain in the ass, sure, but he's a decent guy!" Megumin added while clutching her staff tightly. "If you so much as touch a single hair on his head, we'll beat you to a bloody pulp, got it!?"

"Your loyalty is truly touching, but ultimately pointless I'm afraid," Vanir refuted, dark magic gathering around his hands as he took a step forward, cold gaze locked on me. "As I said prior, if this 'Jack' is who I believe him to be, then his life will be a worthwhile sacrifice in the face of total annihilation. Such a shame too, his negative emotions were simply delectable."

I really didn't know what Vanir was talking about anymore. But that didn't matter as I saw Bob's BuilderBot crew fly downstairs just in time to see me up shit's creek without a paddle. I pointed squarely at the approaching masked murderer.

"BuilderBots: ATTACK!"

While BuilderBots were mostly standard JackBots with construction helmets in lieu of saucer lids, they weren't equipped with the usual weapons. Despite that, however, the tools they were equipped with would suffice. They drew their nail guns, drill arms, jackhammer torsos, and wrecking ball nunchucks as they all charged at the enemy!

Vanir didn't hesitate, he flipped out of the way of the nails being shot at him, almost hitting Darkness instead (much to her disappointment). The Archdemon slipped past the bots with the grace of a theater performer, and pummeled any that got too close with the strength of a Xiaolin Monk. Some tried to hit him with their wrecking balls, but he'd grab them by the chain and swing 'em into other BuilderBots. A few attempted to pierce him with drills and jackhammers, but he pirouetted away before flinging little dolls that looked like himself at them. Said dolls exploded upon impact.

As for the rest, he'd simply shoot them down with goddamn laser beams from his eyes! Were devils in this world part robot themselves!?

Only three BuilderBots were left in the fight: BB-B0B (Bob), BB-630FFR3Y (Geoffrey), and BB-FR3D (Fred). The three machines looked at one another before very carefully circling Vanir, going on the defensive. As with most supernatural beings way out of our league, the Demon General didn't even break a sweat. In fact, though he still radiated a deadly aura, he allowed himself to smirk ever so slightly. As I unfortunately suspected, he'd been merely playing with my minions throughout the entire battle.

Suddenly, Vanir flipped over the trio just as they moved to strike. As soon as he hit the ground, he dashed around all three bots, flipping the off switches on the back of their heads before they had a chance to turn around. As Bob and his men fell to the ground, I spared the demon before me a mortified expression.

"H-Hey! You're not allowed to just switch them off like that!" I exclaimed in horror. "I can't even switch them off without their consent! You're just as bad as Omi, you sicko!"

"I'm afraid your glorified toys mean little to me. Now hold still please," Vanir requested in a twistedly polite tone. "Moi is no longer interested in dragging this game out any further..."

Darkness drew her blade, Aqua's flower bud staff blossomed, Megumin was willing to cast Explosion (even if that meant taking us all down with Vanir) and I…left my high-tech crossbow back upstairs. I mean, I still had my short sword I guess, but I'd feel safer using a ranged weapon. Up close and personal was never really my style.

Anyway, we were probably going to die down here.

"Hey Vanir, that you? Did you finally come back with the milk? You know how important it is to keep these bones strong and healthy, nyhehehe!"

A new voice came from right behind us, prompting us all to turn around. A doorway in the wall behind the chest had appeared, revealing a hidden room inside of a hidden room. Standing at the threshold was a robbed, skeleton-like creature with a friendly smile on its weirdly cartoony face. Was...this thing a Lich like Wiz? If so, he must've been lax on feeding and bathing himself as that apparently prevents decomposition in Liches. Magic biology was so complicated.

"Say, who are your new friends? I thought you said we weren't going to have company for another few weeks? This place is still filthy! What will our guests think of us?"

Of course the one place I chose to set up my new home already had undead tenants un-living in it. That's my god awful Luck stat for ya. Thanks, Eris...

"Keele, now really isn't the time. Moi is bit preoccupied at the moment," Vanir replied shortly, before pausing as the goofy Lich sent him a particularly stern look, forcing a sigh out of him. "Oh, very well. Keele, this is Jack Spicer and his friends Megumin No-Last-Name, Lalatina Ford Dustiness, and Blue Thing. There, happy?"

Dark (or "Lala" I suppose) and Aqua both cursed at the sardonic demon. Funnily enough, it sounded like the former was genuinely embarrassed Vanir called her by her real name. Weird…but I also kind of understand. I don't like being called Jackson Edward Spicer by anybody, really.

"Oh, pardon me, the first one's full real name is Jackson Edward Spicer," Vanir suddenly corrected. "Much like Lalatina, AKA 'Darkness', 'Jack' prefers to go by a nickname he created for himself because he hates the sound of his real name."

"What are you, a mind-reader!?"

"...yes. And you seriously tout yourself a genius?" Vanir said with his mask contorting in confusion. He quickly shook his head, "Never mind. Look, Keele, this isn't exactly a great time for a meet and greet. So if you could kindly leave moi for about a minute, he will take care of our guests."

Keele glanced between Vanir and my very scared group of new friends. "Vanir…if I didn't know any better, I'd say you weren't simply about to prank these adventurers, now were you? You told me you were above killing humans; the things that provide you your form of food. I thought we saw eye to eye on that..."

"That we did, my friend. But I'm afraid this human in particular is a special case," Vanir replied sagely, fixing me with another harsh look. "He stands at the center of an ancient prophecy. A young man with the potential to plunge the world into darkness with armies of metal men."

"All I wanna do is conquer the world!" I cried in confused frustration. "Is that such a crime!?"

"Yes!" All three girls said to me at once. I just crossed my arms and looked to the ground.

"What the hell are you talking about anyway" Aqua suddenly asked Vanir with suspicion. "Jack's a little weird, sure, but he's not the mass destruction type. Methinks the mask is cutting off the blood flow to your brain~"

Oh yeah, nearly forgot: just because we're friends now doesn't mean the girls still see things my way. Well, assuming we get out of this alive, I'll do my best to show them the light of the dark side and how fun evil can be! It's the least I could do as thanks for sticking up for me.

"It doesn't matter if he seems the type or not, foolish Archpriest!" Vanir replied in irritation, shaking his head in visible disdain. "If there is even a chance this young man is related to the prophecy, I will do what I must for the greater good. After all, how can moi host a dungeon for adventurers if they're all dead?"

"Y-Yeah, uh, actually? I'm not that big on the whole 'dead adventurer' thing…" I mildly defended, somewhat queasy at the thought. "I mean, what's the point in taking over the world if nobody's around to see it, right? Killing's never really been much of my style unless it's monsters…"

"Oh, some light in you yet? At least you'll face your end with a modicum of decency, then," Vanir snarked, before throwing his hands outward as dark, churning red energy formed around them. "Farewell, Jack Spicer. Give that two-bit luck goddess my regards when you reach her."

Just when it seemed as though Darkness was rearing up to take yet another magic bullet for the team, a purple magic attack of some kind collided with Vanir's red magic from behind us, making the masked demon slide back across the room. When we all turned around to look, we saw Keele standing atop the open treasure chest with his hand outstretched and a snarl marking what remained of his face.

"Sorry Vanir, but I cannot allow you to do that," Keele stated sternly, staring down his demonic friend with remarkable intensity. "You have no proof that this young man is anything more than a curious inventor. I will not allow you to harm him or his party over misplaced paranoia. Don't make me hurt you, my friend."

Vanir brushed off his pants and huffed, "This is precisely why moi didn't want you to get roped into this. I'd call upon my full divination powers to show you what I mean, but something's been muddying my eye into the future. I suspect it has something to do with that Blue Thing's noxious aura!"

The Blue Thing in question flailed in rage. "I have a name y'know! It's AQUA! And you've got some nerve calling my wonderful aura noxious when YOU'RE the stanky one!"

"Ahh, to be so lowly as to be called a 'thing'..." Darkness dreamily sighed to herself.

"Their inane banter doesn't help either," Vanir added with his mask somehow managing to portray a deadpan stare. He shook his head before continuing, "At any rate, even if moi explained it to you, you'd no doubt ignore it in favor of 'defending innocents'. Your heart was always too big for your own good like that. But moi cannot afford to take the risk with this boy. Because I like you, I'm only going to say this once: stay out of this."

"I'm afraid you're wasting your breath, but all the same...thank you for the opportunity," Keele replied, turning once more to me and nodding. "Mr. Spicer, if you and your friends would kindly move to the chamber behind me? It appears our mutual friend needs to be reminded of his manners."

"Don't need to tell us twice!" I murmured before shuffling into the hidden chamber, the girls not far behind. Once inside, the entrance was soon sealed back up by the stone bricks magically reappearing back into place. The room itself was unfortunately a dead end, and apparently what Keele's been using a bedroom. The only furniture was a single chair, a small pedestal with valuable loot resting on it, and a bed occupied by a human skeleton in an old dress.

"Oh, how lovely..." I said to myself in disgust upon seeing the non-reanimated corpse.

Almost immediately after, the muffled sounds of fighting came from the wall behind us, with a few distinct blasts shuddering the room. The girls and I all looked at each other, silently weighing the pros and cons of peeking outside to see what the two spell-casters were up to. In the end, we all seemed to come to the same resolution of: "fuck it, badass magic fight is badass".

The hidden doorway somehow knew we wanted to peek, for only a few bricks around the middle of the wall vanished when we crept back to it. Huddling close together to observe the action, we confirmed that the fight was indeed as badass as it sounded. The whole thing was practically a colorful lightshow of spells firing off in all directions as the opponents leapt and flipped to-and-fro. Keele was surprisingly limber for a undead fossil, and fairly strong too if he was able to keep up with Vanir and his exploding dolls.

For a brief moment, it made me consider how Wuya and Chase's power levels would stack up in this world. Ms. "I've wreaked havoc and destruction when the earth was still young and mankind was just crawling out of the mud" might have a fighting chance here. But Lizard Breath? I'm honestly not sure. That's a thought experiment I'd have to sit on later, preferably when my life wasn't at stake.

As we watched the battle rage on, my eyes kept glancing back to the staircase on the other side of the hall. I spoke quietly to my team. "Guys, hear me out: on my signal, we make a break for it back upstairs."

"What?! Jack, that's a terrible idea!" Megumin sputtered, vehemently shaking her head as she clutched her staff. "No way, not until Vanir is taken care of! I don't wanna end up as an ash pile so young! There's still so many more Explosions I have yet to cast!"

"And there's still so many more robots I have yet to make! Which is why we need to get to higher ground and open areas as soon as possible," I argued as calmly as I could, the panic threatening to jump out of my throat in the form of a whimper. "Besides, you heard Masky, he's stronger than the Devil King. I'd rather not be stuck between a rock and a hard place when that Keele guy falls!"

"I hate to say it, but Jack has a point. We're not gonna be much use to anyone if we die down here thanks to that smelly demon jerk!" Aqua chimed in while also eyeing the exit. "I'm in on making a break for it. Dark, what's your vote?"

The blonde Crusader looked at her friends for a moment before her eyes made contact with mine. Before the intense stare could make me blush, she raised her fist and confidently gave her answer.

"You're our leader and our friend, and I trust your judgement. I shall take up the rear so that any and all attacks will be directed towards me while the rest of you take the front!"

"Never change, Dark," I commented lightly with a small chuckle before turning over to the only objector of the group. "Three to one, Megumin. Sorry, but them's the breaks."

"Ugh, fine, I get it. I can do basic math," The Crimson Demon huffed in defeat before moving into position. "Alright, rushing the stairs it is. Ready when you are, I guess."

Nodding, I moved myself in front of the line we were all forming. I kneeled down in preparation for a sprint and paid close attention to the movements of the two magic-casters. Once I saw our opening, I gave the signal:

"RUN AWAY LIKE SISSIES!"

The bricks in the wall immediately vanished the second I screamed that. I booked it down the hall and ran right up those stairs as though I had on the Fancy Feet Shen Gong Wu. Fear of death must have been one helluva drug because I ended up being the first to reach the first floor of the dungeon. Of course, I instantly did faceplant after passing the last stair, but hey, progress is progress! It wasn't long before the girls caught up with me.

"Jack, that was the dumbest signal ever!" Aqua cried in between gasps for air.

"Yeah, you totally gave away our retreat back there! Now Vanir will be coming up for us!" Megumin added angrily, strangely not as tired as Aqua.

"Not to mention how it was enough to stun both him and Keele from their battle! I wasn't able to get hit by a stray Fireball or exploding doll!" Darkness whined in frustration. "What were you thinking!?"

"I panicked, okay!? I don't do well under pressure, go easy on me..." I miserably defended after pulling myself up off the ground. It was then that I took note of Sigma Squad hovering nearby looking lost. I gave my children a very cross look.

"And just where were you guys!? There's a masked maniac trying to kill us! Didn't you get the message?"

"Sorry sir, but we got ambushed by another pocket of monsters on the way," The frontmost JackBot, Bruiser, answered dutifully. "With the BuilderBots already dispatched, we thought it best to clear the path for a swift retreat."

My robot veterans getting held up by Gremlins and shit right as I needed their help? Must be "Eris-fucking-me-over-with-piss-poor-Luck" o'clock again!

"Never mind, change of plans: go downstairs and help the nice skeleton take out the guy with the mask! Pull out if it's too much for you to handle. GO!"

The squad beeped and saluted before flying downstairs to provide Keele with backup. While they were busy with that, the girls and I ran back to the main hall of the first floor to grab all our stuff. Once we got everything, we made off to the limo parked within the spacious mouth of the dungeon. The biting cold from the snow storm right outside the entrance nipped my skin, but I had to suck it up if it meant saving it.

Tossing my shit into the passenger seat, I checked the digital dashboard to make sure everything was still in working order. Having to take off in the middle of a blizzard was risky, but anything was better than staying here with a psychotic Duke of Hell. Hopefully the next dungeon we find to make an evil lair out of won't have a fucking Demon General hiding in it.

The girls and I were just about to get in the car when we saw the blurring figure of JB-C2U5H32 crash into the front bumper. His photoreceptors flickered as he tried desperately to get a final warning out of his damaged vocabulator.

"He'zzzt! Too-zzzt! Stroooooong..."

Looking up while aiming my crossbow with shaky hands, I watched in abject horror as Vanir calmly walked down the main hall. Keele was nowhere in sight.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I sputtered, trying to think of something - anything to stop the raging demon from getting closer. I still hadn't worked out all the bugs in my sci-fi crossbow. And even if I did, I doubt heat-seeking ArrowBots would do much to him. I was gonna need something with a more OMPH!

That's when my gaze went to the limo beside me. The gears started to turn as I glanced back at the encroaching Vanir walking through a hallway big enough for a car to drive down in.

Without explaining myself to the confused girls, I slid into the driver's seat and slammed the door shut, starting the ignition and revving up the engine. When the headlights came on, Vanir actually stopped walking towards me, standing perfectly still with his hands in his pockets as he observed. While admittedly scary, I decided to chalk it up as him having no clue what a car could do and floored it. But not before buckling up though. I wasn't that crazy.

As the limo lurched forward towards the waiting demon, I allowed my fear of him to turn into road rage. I was so ready to turn that smug bastard into not-so-smug roadkill!

Vanir…lifted his foot out in front of him. And that foot was apparently studier than a brick wall.

The moment the front bumper made contact with the sole of his shoe, I got into my first ever car crash. I was still alive thanks to my seatbelt, though my upper torso was hurting pretty bad from slamming into the steering wheel. Oh, and the airbag went off too late for it to be helpful. I was starting to hate Eris more and more with each passing failure...

Suddenly, the driver door was ripped off the hinges, and I was roughly yanked out of the vehicle, seatbelt and all. As I sprawled out onto the cold stone floor, I flipped over to stare up at Vanir, who stared down at me with equal parts irritation and weariness. I may have been imagining it, but it seemed like he was just the slightest bit winded.

"If you're quite done throwing your toys at me like a toddler having a tantrum, I believe playtime is now over," Vanir growled, eyes glowing bright red as he prepared his laser vision. "Any last words, foolish tinkerer?"

Well...if I was going down, might as well try to go down with some amount of dignity.

"Show off those flashy powers all you like, you're still a lame villain. And I know a morbidly obese ninja."

With an unimpressed scoff, Vanir's eyes seemed to glow brighter, and I felt the fear creep back into my chest as I realized I was going to die again...

Only to be taken aback when Aqua's staff suddenly nailed Vanir right in the masked face. The butt of the staff actually pierced through the back the back of his head, turning him into the world's worst shish kabab. He stumbled back a little before looking over to the one who threw it.

"Bullseye!" Aqua cheered somewhere behind me. "That's how a goddess does it, you demonic bully!"

Vanir snarled audibly before he froze up. A small crack on his mask where the staff was lodged in slowly splintered out across the surface, smoke seeping out as it did. When he put a gloved hand up to touch it, he quickly pulled it back with a wince as he apparently got burned.

"You're a goddess...?" He asked aloud as the cracks in his mask continued to grow and sizzle. "So this holy magic...and my divination being hazy...because you - and him - and this...THIS...!"

Vanir's mask looked about ready to shatter like glass. And just when I expected it to do so, his gaze fell back to me. He gave one last exasperated sigh.

"This is embarrassing..."

The mask split in two, causing a surging wave of demonic energy to spill out of it.

"Sacred Exorcism!" I heard Aqua chant. A column of heavenly light quickly encased the raging inferno of evil chi as it purified it all. Then, as quickly as it happened, it was over. Aqua's spell disappeared and Vanir's body was little more than clay and sand. His broken mask rested atop the remains like the metaphorical cherry on top of a victory sundae.

"Holy shit, Aqua! You got him!" I practically shrieked, more shocked that I was still alive after another boss encounter. "I thought I was toast! Thanks!"

"You're more than welcome, Jack. It's about time I get praised for my divine work~" Aqua said snootily as kneeled down to heal my battered body. I'd let her have this one, she did kinda earn it. "But seriously...WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING!? Trying to run over an Archdemon - are you mad!? You could've killed yourself back there!"

"I-I panicked! Again!" I argued meekly, seeing the other two girls coming over check up on me. "I figured my car would do more damage to him than a robotic crossbow. But I guess it only did more damage to me..."

"Well don't do it again, alright? Just because I can revive you doesn't mean I want you dying every other fight," The goddess whined, before noticing the bewildered look I gave her when she said that. "What?"

"You can revive me if I die?" I asked stupidly. "That's something you can just do? I thought gods frowned upon raising the dead."

"Our magic isn't necromancy, it's holy. There's a difference," Aqua replied confidently, even though it just sounded like semantics to me. "We are the highest authority in any given world. If we want something to be done, we're allowed. It's every living thing below us that has to abide by it. But like I said, don't think this gives you permission to put yourself at risk like that!"

"Risk is something I strive to avoid whenever possible. Consider it done," I said with a mock salute, succeeding in making Aqua crack a smile and chuckle slightly. Wow, was this what having real friends felt like? Feels great!

Looking back down at the remains of Vanir, I smirked evilly and gloated at his ash pile. "How ya like us now, huh? That's what you get when you mess with Jack Spicer and his Evil Posse! Loser! HaHaHaHa! In your face you Jim Carrey wannabe!"

"As humble in victory as you are in defeat I see," Darkness remarked with a small chuckle of her own. Once we all had our fun at the masked loser's demise, her expression turned to a more serious one. "We should probably check on Keele and see if he's alright. I imagine Vanir must've did a number on him."

When she says something truly Crusader-like, that's usually when it's best to listen to her. As we went to go see our undead savior was okay, I was stuck with the strangest sense of...well, happiness I guess. It felt good knowing I could confidently call these ladies my real friends; that slowly but surely we were starting to understand each other. They might not fully get my evilness yet, but they were trying to at least, and that was good enough for now.

After running into some JackBots who were cowering alongside some Gremlins when Vanir went on a rampage, we made it back downstairs where this mess began. While the girls scoured the wreckage for Keele, I went ahead and switched the three still intact BuilderBots back on, taking a moment to relish the Windows XP startup sound. I always loved that sound~

"GET HIM!" BB-FR3D roared as he shot up into the air after coming back online. Once he processed that some time has already passed, he turned his head 180 degrees to face me. "Oh. Um...did we win, sir?"

"Uh, y-yeah, we won alright. Big time!" I reassured, not meeting the bot's eyes as I awkwardly scratched my cheek. "Anyway, your systems in order, Fred? Anything broken?"

"Negative. Still ready to rumble!" The bot replied zealously, followed shortly by a single bolt popping off his chassis and bouncing away. "I hope that wasn't essential..."

"Well, you're not completely falling apart on me, so it was probably nonessential. I'll get you a new one later," I said before addressing the other two BuilderBots once they powered back on. "Hey Bob, hey Geoffrey. We won the battle, baby! And you did great out there; you're still in one piece!"

"Thank you, sir! Glad to be of service!" BB-630FFR3Y replied cheerfully. "Any battle we can walk away from is a battle won in my book!"

"Uh, how often do they get destroyed to warrant a response like that?" Megumin suddenly asked with a raised brow and concerned expression. One that only grew when I started using my fingers to help count in my head. "Jack…?"

"I…don't know," I answered honestly, hot shame rushing over me when I said that. "Think I lost count after a while."

"I suppose this is a dumb question to ask, but have you ever considered increasing their durability?" Darkness asked with a curious head tilt. "I don't know how your robots work, but if they were made with stronger metal, would they be better able to tank attacks?"

"I already build them out of titanium but it's no use!" I wailed in frustration, the reality of my robots' situation hitting me hard. "When their enemies include monks with elemental powers, witches, Chinese warlords, and literal demons, they might as well be wearing armor made out of paper! I don't know how to make them any tougher..."

"Huh...hey, c'mere for a sec," Aqua requested, waving me over a feet away from the others. Confused but intrigued, I heard her out and joined her in a huddle. "Have you considered using metal from this world? They're actually way more durable than most metals on Earth! It's sort of this world's version of Mother Nature throwing humans a bone in the fight against the Devil King."

"Really?" I asked quietly, surprised I hadn't considered this sooner. That's when my eyes suddenly found themselves studying Darkness's shiny white breastplate.

"A-Ah~! I am being ogled by own friend and party leader!" The Crusader cried, covering her chest with her arms while Megumin immediately giving me death stares. "He is not even bothering to try and hide his hungry gazes at my body!"

"What - NO! I-I wasn't staring like that, honest! Nor was I doing that before!" I half-lied. "I just realized I never got to ask you what metal your is made out of. I've seen it endure so much yet it only gets chipped and cracked at worst. What is it?"

Darkness stopped fidgeting in place and Megumin thankfully dropped the death stare in favor of a confused one. After some slight hesitation, the former answered, "Oh, uh...that would be adamantite, the strongest metal alloy known to exist." She soon glanced between herself and the robots nearby in realization. "You don't think -"

"Only if they're up for it," I responded immediately, turning over to the bots listening in. "If I do a trial run with this adamantium-sounding metal, would you be fine with wearing 'new clothes' from here on out?"

"Affirmative! Nothing wrong with trying out a new shell!" Bob confirmed ecstatically, his enthusiasm shared with the other two robots.

"Alright. I'll be sure to make that a top priority on my list of upcoming projects," I said with finality, before looking back at my unexpected muse. "If you got a spare set of armor lying around that you're not using, mind if I have it? T-To melt down for parts of course!"

"Certainly! I actually have a spare back at the...oh, right," Darkness muttered, her expression falling as she remembered our current situation. "It's likely already been confiscated by Sena and the Royal Guard."

Great, now I feel like shit again.

"Sorry…" I mumbled quietly while keeping my head down to avoid her gaze.

"Well...who knows? Maybe we could go on a mining adventure whenever we finish renovations!" Megumin suggested, before glancing up the stairs and grimacing. "Hey Jack, before we find Keele, you should probably send your robots to go sweep up Vanir's remains before we forget. Don't want to slip on it later."

"Good point," I agreed. "Bob, Geoffrey, Fred: go upstairs and dispose of the asshole's remains. But save the mask for me! I bet it'll look great on the mantle!"

"Right away, sir!" Fred chirped, before drifting up the stairs with his brothers. With that situation handled, the girls and I resumed looking for Keele, and ultimately found him back in his bedroom where he ushered us to safety in. Not that I wasn't grateful for him trying to protect us, but having us hide in a dead end wasn't exactly the smartest play, and I was right to elect to make a break for the exit.

Darkness didn't hesitate to jog towards the sprawled out Lich and kneel down to try and stir him awake. When he eventually came to, he laughed to himself softly before cutting himself off with a small, "Ow." Other than the human skeleton he keeps in his bed, I was already more of a Keele fan than I was a Wiz fan right now. He has a sense of humor and doesn't sell me out to the authorities.

"Thanks for the assist, man. Your roommate was totally unhinged," I said earnestly as Keele sat up, glancing around at me and my friends. "Would've preferred you didn't unintentionally corner us in your own room, but it's the thought that counts!"

When my friends suddenly gave me dirty looks, I held my hands on instinct. What did I say?

"Heh, well, it was the best I could do on such short notice. But I have to agree with Vanir on one thing: you are certainly an odd young man," Keele chortled quietly, unoffended by whatever had the girls so upset. "Such is the way of youth, I suppose. I was a bit of an oddball myself back when I was human...though perhaps that part of me never fully went away."

"Keele, was it?" Aqua asked, turning back to the rather relaxed undead. "As the goddess revered by the Axis Church, why have you forsaken your humanity in favor of becoming a Lich? We're grateful for your help, but I was this close to purifying you on the spot when Vanir started threatening Jack."

"Ah, well...that's quite the long story," Keele admitted with a wistful sigh. "If you're willing to lend an ear to an old man's ramblings, I think you'll have a decent understanding of my situation."

"Not like we have anywhere else to be at the moment," I said. "The floor is yours."

"Of course it is. This is my dungeon after all, nyhehehe!" The Lich joked. I was liking him more and more.

Over the next half hour, Keele regaled us with his life's story. He spoke of how he fell in love with a nobleman's daughter but couldn't act upon it due to the social gap. So he channeled his focus into studying magic, becoming one of the greatest Archwizards of his generation.

When Belzerg's king at the time held a banquet for him in his honor, he said he could ask for anything he wanted. Since Keele's beloved had been gifted to the king as a concubine, he wished to have her hand in marriage. But the king was apparently a king-sized turd as he refused, despite not even caring for the girl himself.

Having none of this, Keele broke her out of the castle and the two eloped, living a life on the run as the entire kingdom marked him as public enemy number one.

"Just like us then..." I grumbled to myself.

"Oh? You defied your king and eloped with one of his concubine too?" Keele asked, having taken a seat in his chair to tell the story.

"No. More like accidentally teleport a live bomb to the capital and putting who knows how many royals in the hospital."

"Ah...that would definitely do it, yes," Keele said while rubbing the back of his neck. "But at least no one actually died, yeah? And the injured will no doubt be attended to by the nation's finest healers! Gotta find that silver lining somewhere; it's how I coped with being a wanted man myself!"

"Dully noted..."

Picking up where he left off, Keele explained how a bounty hunter managed to mortally wound him in an ambush one day. Determined to protect his loving wife at all costs, he turned himself into a Lich so he could continue looking after her. With his magic powers further enhanced by becoming a King of the Undead, Keele built this labyrinth of a dungeon to hide the both of them in.

Since his wife's passing, he's mostly kept to himself, with his only company in recent years being Vanir. And that lasted for only a few weeks before we came into the picture.

As the story came to a close, I couldn't help but eye his dead wife out of morbid curiosity. "You don't still…like 'do stuff' with her, do you?"

"Jack, why are you like this…?" Megumin groaned as she buried her head in her hands. Darkness and Aqua both shot me mortified looks in response. Keele was a good sport, though, chuckling a little and shaking his head in amusement.

"Oh, how I yearn to be a teenager again," he said wistfully. "You needn't worry, son. My days of taking my beloved down to the 'bone zone' are long behind me. Just be thankful she isn't around to hear you say that. Doubt she'd find it as funny as I do."

"Yeah, sorry," I muttered, feeling slightly guilty despite myself. Honestly, Keele was a pretty cool guy, even if a little righteous for my liking. Still, game recognizes game. "Anyway, what are you gonna do now?"

"Well, it's actually fortuitous that you and your party happened to stop by, believe it or not," Keele said, turning to Aqua before elaborating. "Forgive me if I find you being a goddess dubious at best, ma'am, but you are an Archpriest at least, are you not?"

"Indeed I am," Aqua replied in an unsettlingly calm tone, especially given how her godhood was being questioned. I tilted my head to face her, and I was struck by how...mature she suddenly looked, a far cry from her usual behavior. It wasn't just her expression either, but something about her posture, the way she carried herself. There was a respect to it. "Are you asking what I think you're asking?"

"I believe so," Keele said with a tired sigh, looking up at Aqua with almost longing eyes. "Would you be so kind as to purify me? I wish to be reunited with my beloved up in Heaven."

"It would be my pleasure," Aqua replied without the slightest hint of humor or ego. For the first time since I met her, I actually had the feeling of watching a goddess at work. Moving to stand in front of Keele, she extended her hand to just above his head and started to speak.

"Archwizard Keele, you abandoned your humanity and became a Lich. In the name of Aqua, Goddess of Water, your sin is forgiven. When you awaken you will meet Eris, another goddess, one with deceptively large breasts. If you tell her Aqua sent you and explain your situation to her, she will accommodate you. You shall be with your beloved again very soon."

The skeleton-man managed a warm smile as he slowly started to disappear in a blue glow. Before he completely left this mortal coil, however, I was just able to hear him utter "I'm coming, my Love."

After that, there was no trace of Keele left to speak of.

Well…except for that small pile of gold and jewels left behind on his nightstand. I didn't say anything, partially out of fear of incurring the girls' wrath, but I was pretty sure they noticed me eyeing it regardless.

"You think we can just…?" I asked after a few beats, receiving the glares I had anticipated in turn "Oh, c'mon! At least one of you was also thinking it! It's not like he needs anymore, why shouldn't we take it!?"

While Darkness and Megumin both crossed their arms, I did catch Aqua's glare falter when she snuck a peek at the loot herself. A familiar greedy glint appeared in her eyes that I've come to know whenever she wanted some of my hard earned money.

"I mean...he probably would want us to take it, right? To not only help us on our journey, but also as a thank you for purifying!" Aqua suggested, looking startled when the other two girls glared at her. "Hey, Jack is right you know! Keele doesn't need it now that he's up in Heaven! Can't we take it? Pretty please~?"

I quickly slid up right beside my new supporter and cranked up the puppy dog eyes. "With a cherry on top~?"

"You guys are both vultures," Megumin deadpanned, before glancing at the loot pile like a vulture herself. "Although...we could probably get some decent gear with all that gold…"

"Megumin!?" Darkness practically squawked in surprise. However, before she could try to object any further, she looked to us three and came to the realization that she had been outvoted on this one. Like clockwork, she gradually became aroused at the thought of having virtually no voice in the group. Was it weird to be attracted to one of your newly established friends? Wait, uh, I mean – SHUT UP!

"Quick, while she's in her own little world! Grab the loot!" I whispered to my partners in crime, each of us grabbing whatever we could carry from the pile as Darkness flushed and sputtered. "Up to the limo: go, go, go!"

By the time the horny Crusader finished having her moment, she called at us from down below the stairs. I drowned out her cries with my trademark evil laugh, and the less-than-evil giggles from my associates. I may be jumping the gun when I say this, but I think having these numbskulls for friends might prove to be one of the few best things to ever happen to me.

Y'know, aside from eventually taking over the world, of course. Duh.