Nothing like processed chocolate to start the day off right-wrong!
After surviving the unplanned boss encounter last night, we all ended up passing out at some point in the main hall. I was the first to wake up due to the night terrors, making it hard for me to stay asleep again. Well, that and my stomach was nagging me to put something in it now that it'd been two days since I've eaten anything. Luckily, I came prepared and packed my magic 3D snack printer before we left Spicer Mansion II!
However, because I designed it to only spawn junk food of my choosing, we didn't have any water to drink. But that was a non-issue since I had the Create Water skill and the literal Goddess of Water on my team. We were honestly sitting pretty, all things considered.
By the time the girls woke up, they were greeted by a bounty of all my favorite snack foods for us to feast on. Megumin and Darkness were a little skeptical of the food at first, but after hearing their own stomachs growling at them in protest, they relented soon enough.
And so we all sat around and helped ourselves to whatever I could spawn before the printer ran out of juice. As Aqua and Megumin inhaled their chips and snack cakes, I noticed a put-off Crusader eyeing her own selection of food.
"Somethin' wrong, Dark?" I asked in between spoonfuls of pudding. "You've barely touched your Cheetos, and you haven't even cracked open your can of Coke."
"It's not that I'm ungrateful for you providing us with your world's food but…I can't help but be slightly dubious of it," Darkness admitted, glaring at the cheesy poofs before her with suspicion. "What did you call this again? Junk food? That hardly sounds appetizing, let alone healthy."
"Whaddya mean!?" I questioned in an offended tone while gesturing at the glorious spread. "You've got your dairy, carbohydrates, sugar, and high fructose corn syrup! All the essential food groups are here! I'd get a vegetable for you, Lalatina-Picky-Eater-Dustiness, but those are literally wild animals in this world!"
"That's not - I just - how dare…! UGH!" Darkness relented, grabbing a small handful of Cheetos in visible frustration. Guess I hit a nerve with that picky eater comment. "Do not take me for a dainty noble who is too afraid to try commoner's food from another world! I shall eat this and absorb its XP like everything else!"
"Attagirl!" I cheered as I watched the rough 'n' tough Crusader force herself to eat chips. "But for the record, Earth food doesn't give you XP. Experience points aren't a thing in my universe's laws of physics."
"That you know of~" Aqua commented with a cheesy wink to match her cheese-stained smile. "Most Earth humans used to be able to harness magic too, y'know. But they gradually forgot how once science became the hip new thing. Only a handful of enclaves, and certain poodles, still practice the occult in your world."
"Yeah, and monsters stick to secluded areas with no human activity. I know this already…" I yawned, only barely listening to the first half of what she said. I already had my mental breakdown over the supernatural existing on Earth long ago; I didn't need a reminder. I was more interested in focusing on the present, like Darkness coming around to junk food.
"Oh my…this actually does taste good!" She declared in surprised delight while examining another puff. "The cheese-like flavor is so rich, and the texture is unlike anything I've ever felt before! Although I don't care much for the dust it leaves behind on my fingers…"
Her continued studying of her fingers yielded a new hypothesis from the pioneer, "...like portable sandpaper, chafing my skin. G-Grinding the cheese into my very pores…"
"But that's the best, Dark," I said with a chuckle, trying to ignore the aroused mumblings over Cheeto dust of all things. "Anyway, don't forget to wash it down with some soda. It's a carbonated drink, kinda like that 'Neroid' stuff they sell at the guild. Just take the tab and -"
The levity quickly faded when I suddenly got splashed in the face with soda. Darkness, ever the knucklehead, ripped her Coke can in half after getting stumped figuring out how to open it. Aqua snorted and fell on her back laughing at my misfortune.
"Pfft - HAHAHA! You're gonna be all sticky now, Jack! It's like a soda bukkake! What a dirty boy you are~!"
As Darkness was having a flustered meltdown and I was on the verge of yelling at Aqua, our collective attention was soon drawn to the sounds of voracious smacking. Slowly, our heads turned towards the direction of a certain Crimson Demon. We observed the little monster violently ripping into whatever she could get her hands on like a starving wolf. She was either unaware or completely indifferent to her surroundings.
"Damn, girl! You're gonna eat the wrappers by mistake!" I cried, partly to see if it could snap her out of her food trance.
"I can't help it! This stuff's AMAZING!" Megumin replied ecstatically, a Snickers bar in one hand and a bag of pretzels in the other. "This beats the crawfish and fried cicadas back home! It's even better than the marbled red crab we had! I WANT MORE!"
My eyes widen in both realization and mild fear. "Uh-oh…I gave the malnourished kid her first ever sugar rush…"
"Sugar rush? What is…oh," Darkness started to ask, before noticing Megumin practically vibrating as she continued to stuff her face. "I believe I understand now…"
"Yeah, I think breakfast time is over…" I said while slowly reaching out for the bag of chips in front of the hyperactive time bomb. "Uh, how about we save the Doritos for later and -"
I quickly drew my hand back when Megumin pounced on the chips with a goddamn hiss. Her eyes were wide and frantic as she scooped up her snacks before skittering away to a corner like a threatened animal. Obviously, the rest of us were freaked the fuck out by that reaction.
"…Help yourself to whatever you like! You've earned it, buddy!" I declared with a faux smile and a thumbs-up, anything to placate the explosive food junkie. As Megumin continued to murder her breakfast, I looked back at the other two girls and whispered, "We'll just have to wait for her to crash…"
"Yeah, I wouldn't risk sending your robots to go in after her," Aqua agreed, watching the display in morbid curiosity before scooting further away. "Anyway, we should probably focus on the plan going forward."
"Hmm? Oh, right," I started, moving aside the snacks that were lucky enough to survive Megumin's carnage and spreading out the ground plans for the new lair. "Okay, so, with three BuilderBots left intact, my limited MP for Sandbox Mode, and a small supply of emergency mana potions, projections for getting the second lair fully operable are… uhhh…!"
Crap! I forgot Aqua doesn't know I use her as a battery to recharge whenever she's asleep! How does one tell their official new friend they've been secretly siphoning their endless magic without it sounding weird? Oh, why didn't my insomnia kick in last night when I could've used it most!? I might've been able to at least get one-fourth of the lair done by now!
"In other words, your plans for making a second 'lair' are on hold right now. Probably a blessing in disguise, honestly," Aqua admitted, thankfully steering the conversation away from that topic for now. "This new home sucks! I say we find somewhere nicer to crash, like a five-star hotel."
"We can't go anywhere with the flying limo totaled, Aqua," I countered, doing my best to hold back my usual sassy villain snark. "That's gonna take heavy tools to fix, and I don't have the magic manpower to spawn the materials to make them. Besides, this place isn't so bad once you ignore the occasional Gremlin. I'll take those over spiders any day."
"Sorry, Jack, but I'm with Aqua for once," Darkness chimed in, ignoring the goddess's pointed look over that little jab. "While I don't mind the prospect of being ambushed by depraved monsters myself, this area just isn't suitable for our friends. We need to come up with a new plan, one that doesn't involve us living in a hole in the ground. My proposition: come out and attempt to clear our names."
"What!? Do you actually have muscles for brains, woman!?" I shouted, carrying on even as the flustered Crusader grabbed me by the collar in a show of intimidation. "You girls blatantly defied the law and I ran while in the middle of being charged! In what reality does that look good on our end!?"
"W-Well, I…I was thinking maybe - just this once - I could use my pull as a member of House Dustiness to sway the court or even Iris herself. But Eris knows what she'd think of me stooping to that level…"
"Iris?" I asked in confusion.
"The first princess of Belzerg," Darkness explained. "Seeing as how the coronatite fell directly on top of her home, she'll obviously have a personal stake in the matter. But I've known her since she was really little; she looks up to me. If I can have an audience with her to explain the situation, I'm sure she'll understand. She may be dedicated to the country, but she isn't unreasonable."
"But…I've already decorated though…" I argued weakly, gesturing to Vanir's taped up mask hanging on the wall behind us. "It's not much but it gives the room a little feng shui."
"Jack, while I agree it looks nice, that's hardly a…" Darkness attempted to make a counterargument before trailing off as she looked at the mask long and hard, eyebrows furrowing intensely. "Wait a minute...what if the mask is our answer!?"
"A smelly demon mask is the answer? Those Cheetos must've gone to her head," Aqua muttered behind me. I couldn't help but agree: between her and the sugar-crazed Megumin, I was regretting my decision to feed these girls junk food.
"Yeah, do you need to lie down?" I asked Darkness worriedly before she rudely slapped my hand away from her shoulder.
"No, shut up, just listen to me for a moment! Vanir was a Demon General for the Devil King, yes? Well, since we slayed him…we could present his mask as a token of goodwill and hopefully clear our charges."
"Wait a sec…" I said suddenly, getting up to take my trophy off the wall as I spoke my thoughts aloud. "Vanir was a Demon General for the Devil King. And since we slayed him…we could present his mask as a token of goodwill and clear our charges! Then we can finally go back to our real home! God, I'm such a genius!"
Honestly, I don't know why I didn't think of such a brilliant idea sooner. Or why Darkness suddenly picked me up and was shaking me in a furious manner. Who cares – I just figured out our Get Out of Jail Free card!
As things got randomly chaotic for the second time that morning, our collective attention was drawn yet again to Megumin. The sugar junkie was in the middle of loudly disemboweling a Twinkie like a zombie straight out of a splatter film. The noise alone was enough to make my stomach churn, and Darkness shaking me moments prior didn't help.
At some point, a wandering JackBot (of the few that escaped Vanir's wrath last night) noticed the kid's condition and cautiously extended a claw out to her.
"Ma'am, please, I think you've had enough -"
Megumin went on the defensive, grabbing the poor robot by his arm and yanking it off with a genuinely fearsome roar. He let out a distressed whistle from his vocabulator before being abruptly silenced by his own arm being thrown at his faceplate. The JackBot immediately zoomed over to me, detached arm in attached hand, and nuzzled himself into my chest while quaking in fear.
"Hold me!"
"No, hold me!"
Man and machine embraced each other in a fear hug as we both silently watched Megumin give us a warning glare before resuming her messy feast. Fucking rabid animal…
"That sugar crash can't come soon enough…" Aqua admitted, taking a few cautionary steps back despite her generous distance already. "A-Anyway, like I was saying, this place blows! Even if it's a small chance to get back home to the mansion, it's still a chance I'm willing to take. My vote goes to Darkness!"
"Alright, fine! You've made your point," I relented after easing out of my moment of mortal fear. I continued to speak as I busied myself with reattaching the JackBot's arm. "Whether this works out or not, I just hope those royal yokels are too stupid to figure out how to use a keypad lock to get into my lab. I'd rather not have medieval dunderheads touch my shit…err, current company notwithstanding."
"Even if they did find a way to access it, I have to wonder how much they'd be willing to risk moving around," Darkness commented. "The one time we went down there, we barely knew what we were looking at, even with your assistance. I can't imagine what they'd think without anyone to guide them."
"You may be right. Still, I don't like the idea of other people playing with my stuff," I said after haphazardly sticking the JackBot's arm back in place. "It was bad enough when my little cousin would play with my robots. Can't imagine what'd be like for snobby royals to get their grubby hands on them."
"Oh, are you referring to 'Lady' Megan?" The JackBot, who I know identified as JB-B3NNY, questioned innocently while testing the functions of his reattached arm. "I've heard Sigma Squad tell stories about her to the other units. Her tea parties sounded nice!"
"Maybe for you guys…" I grumbled, recalling the irritation I felt after Megan had decided my JackBots would look better in dresses. "If I can take solace in one thing, it's that I'll never have to deal with Megan touching my stuff again."
"Wait, you had a little cousin?" Aqua suddenly asked, seemingly confused by such a marvel concept. "That wasn't in the file I received back in Heaven. Then again, I did skim over it, so…"
"I'm sorry, you 'skimmed over' my file?" I asked in a near accusatory tone. "First you thought I lived in Japan when I actually lived in America before moving to China. Now you're saying you didn't know I had a cousin? Aqua…how much do you know about my life on Earth?"
"Ah...well…" Aqua trailed off, avoiding my gaze as she chuckled nervously, lacing her hands together before hastily clearing her throat. "A-Anyway, as soon as Megumin winds down, we should probably start moving back in the direction of Axel!"
I narrowed my eyes at the suspicious Water Goddess before relenting, "Alright, but I got my eye on you, Buster Brown. One way or another, I'll get my answer outta you..."
Keeping that conversation locked away in the back of my mind for later, the girls, bots, and I all started to pack what little we had out, while giving Megumin a wide berth. Eventually, the little mongrel passed out, falling asleep on the stone floor with a small mountain of snack wrappers strewn around her.
Note to self: load the pyromaniac up on candy as a last resort secret weapon.
"Ooogh…my stomach, my head…it's worse than a hangover…" Megumin groaned while getting a piggyback from Aqua. We had gathered all of our essentials and were standing at the threshold of the dungeon when the little Archwizard finally came out of her food coma. "Why did nobody stop me…?"
"I tried to, but you ripped my arm off, psycho!" Benny cried from behind the small group of surviving robots. "Seriously, I may have to request a memory wipe later! All I can see now is your ravenous monster face coming at me!"
Megumin merely grumbled, "I guess robots can be wimps too…"
"You: zip it," I said pointedly to the gurgling mage before addressing my robo-bro. "You: remind me later and I'll have that traumatic memory purged. Now, do you guys have Keele's treasure all secured?"
"Affirmative!" Benny beeped along with the remaining JackBots. Since the car was still wrecked from last night's battle, we had to leave it in the mouth of the dungeon for the time being. But we made sure the bots took Keele's stuff out of the trunk first before leaving. Any wandering adventurers would probably get more use out of gold than a broken-down vehicle, and I wasn't about to let that happen. This ain't a charity!
"Good. In that case, looks like we're ready to head back home…and hopefully not get killed on sight…haaaah."
Really wish Keele hadn't told us the time he was also hunted by the government…
"We won't," Darkness reassured, lightly patting my shoulder. "Not while your shield is here. Besides, even with the circumstances, they'd know better than to outright attack nobility."
I smiled softly. "Thanks, Dark. Whatever happens to us going forward, I just wanna say I'm…sorry for getting us all into this mess. I-I only did what I did because I panicked and wanted to save you guys from sharing my fate. So, um, if we do get the death penalty regardless, I just wanna say…"
I took a deep breath of courage before finishing my thought. "Hanging out with you guys was a lot of fun. And I'm really happy you wanted to be my f-friends. So, thanks…for everything."
"While I still hold hope that things will work out in the end, I appreciate your sentiments all the same," Darkness replied with a small smile. "It has been an honor being both your ally and friend. Regardless of how today ends, know that I was happy to walk alongside you for as long as I did."
"I can't say I necessarily enjoyed being a fugitive with you. But…" Aqua stalled, seemingly thinking over her words before smiling. "I also can't say I didn't have fun hanging out with you either. You may be the weirdest human I've ever met, but you're a total riot! And that's coming from a goddess; we're known to party like no one else!"
Megumin propped her head up over Aqua's shoulder to look at me intensely, muscling through her tummy ache to be serious. "In the past couple of months I've gotten to know you guys, you mean the world to me. You're the only ones who've ever given me the time of day and respected my Explosion Magic. I can never thank you enough. I really hope we don't die because I enjoy hanging out with you all."
I allowed myself to smile as I nodded in mutual agreement. "Me too, M-Bomb. Me too..."
And on that inspirational note, we stepped out of Keele's Dungeon to greet the outside world. The morning snow was honestly very pretty to look at and not coming down too hard. Maybe the Winter Shogun finally settled down -
"What the-!?"
The girls and I were halted when we suddenly ran into a series of something long and near invisible. My arachnophobia mind feared the worst when we heard someone shout from the bushes:
"They fell for the Wire Trap! DO IT!"
"BIND!"
The not-spider webs (thank god) magically wrapped around us tightly. Tuning out Darkness's obvious enjoyment over this development, I turned to see adventurers come out of hiding in the foliage. I didn't recognize them from Axel. They must've been from a different guild; bounty hunters sent to come after us. Just like the ones in Keele's past.
Before I could order the remaining JackBots to attack, the mage of the group pointed her staff and a magic cipher circle was summoned beneath us.
"Teleport!"
Everything else happened in a literal flash.
No longer was I staring at a small clearing in the middle of the woods. Looming over me even off in the distance was a sprawling metropolis of pristine gray bricks and seafoam green rooftops. It had a huge wall surrounding it like Axel, only three times the height and heavily reinforced. In fact, I don't think the lowly starter town would even fill in a quarter of the capital's space, and it was a surprisingly big for a place you were meant to leave once you grind enough Levels. The castle-like structure in the middle was just about the only eyesore as it was barely standing at the moment.
Of course, that alone was enough to clue me in on where we'd been teleported to. But what I assumed to be the princess herself looking down at me on a stage also confirmed my suspicions.
She was a lot younger than I expected, probably no older than twelve. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes, wore a white regal dress with a gold and blue trimmings, and a circlet with grapes attached to the side. Since fruits and vegetables were living creatures in this world, that would be like having a small, dead animal hanging off your head…which I guess isn't that far off from fur coats and baby seal shoes.
Standing by her side were her presumed bodyguards, a female mage and knight going off of appearances alone. Their outfits, while different due to their respective classes, shared a similar royal blue color scheme with gold trimmings to denote a high status. Like the princess, they too had blonde hair and blue eyes, with the knight that was currently glaring at me having her bangs cover her left eye. She also had a blue streak of hair dye on her right bang.
The second we teleported in and as I was processing all of this, multiple armed guards had blocked us with their swords despite the fact we were still bound by strong wire. In fact, there was a whole ARMYsurrounding the area! And fenced off to the sidelines by more soldiers was a roaring crowd of displeased locals. Nobles, townspeople, even some tough-looking adventurers were attending. The latter, by the way, appeared noticeably Asian compared to everybody else. Must've been high-leveled cheat users from Asia resting on their laurels here in the capital.
Oh, and to make matters worse? My JackBots didn't get teleported along with us. Peachy. Hopefully they can fend off the bounty hunters or at least get away with Keele's shit.
"Please settle down now, everyone!" The mage bodyguard attempted to shout at the crowd, but didn't possess nearly enough of a booming voice to get the message through. "Th-The trial cannot proceed if you cannot control yourselves!"
It was then that her far-from-timid partner unsheathed her sword and dove it straight into the ground with a powerful thrust, violently splintering the wood of the stage. That managed to shut the subjects up real quick.
"For the sake of Princess Iris Stylish-Sword Belzerg, learn to conduct yourselves in the presence of royalty!" She reprimanded sternly, although it seemed more aimed at the nobles in particular. "I understand the hardships we've all had to endure yesterday, but that does not mean you should behave like the plebeians attending alongside you! Set an example for them!"
Oh great: stuck-up and no-nonsense. She was gonna be a fun one, I could tell…
The little girl tugged on the knight's sleeve, and her face quickly softened as she bent down to listen to her whisper something privately. Nodding, she stood straight up again and pointed at Darkness.
"The princess says, 'May the guards untie Lady Dustiness and allow her to step up to the stage, please'."
"I'm okay staying tied up."
The awkward pause from our wall that never knows when to shut up was palpable. Her captors looked back at the knight, who after a beat coughed out a response.
"U-Untie her anyway. By the princess's decree."
Without so much as blinking, the guards standing near Darkness withdrew their weapons and undid the wires wrapped around her body (even if her mind was screaming at them to stop). After an awkward amount of time passed, they eventually set her free and she wasted no time walking up to the stage. She bowed before the princess despite not being ordered to.
"Princess Iris, I -"
Whatever Darkness was about to say, Iris cut her off when she leapt out of her little throne to go in for a hug. The jury behind me started murmuring to themselves, though I couldn't make out their intent. Darkness appeared somewhat stunned at first, but she quickly returned the hug, careful to not crush the young princess with her insane Crusader strength.
I could just barely make out what Iris was saying to Darkness. "Thank Eris you are alright, Elder Sister. When the news came that you were with the perpetrator, I had feared the worst. Please, tell me you weren't actually an accomplice in all this! Did he kidnap you? Blackmail you? Perhaps it was mind control!"
"I-I am quite fine, princess. Thank you for caring about my wellbeing," Darkness responded formally but still making sure to soothe the little one by rubbing her back. "But I'm afraid this has all been a grievous misunderstanding."
"Is that so, Ms. Dustiness?"
Entering stage left was the Royal-fucking-Prosecutor, Sena, coming to make things even more difficult than they already were. "Because you and your party were more than willing to aid Mr. Spicer in resisting arrest. Not only is that obstruction of justice, it also makes you three accomplices to his crime, as per my warning. On top of fleeing from authorities, this doesn't look very good for you four."
"How did you even find us?" I couldn't help but ask out of habit. Regretted it almost instantly.
The next time I blinked, I was staring down the pointed end of the blue hair dyed knight's sword. The Royal Army already had me surrounded and I was tied up - what more did she want!?
"You speak when spoken to, terrorist scum! You nearly kill our beloved princess, and you have the gall to display disrespect right in front of her!? I OUGHT TO GUT YOU HERE AND NOW!"
My frightened mewl was easily drowned out by the attendees going wild with excitement. They were more like bloodthirsty spectators at the Roman Colosseum than a fair jury!
"Claire, stop!" the soft-spoken mage bodyguard shouted over the crowd. "We still have to give him a trial, even if it's just a formality! We nobles are supposed to set an example to the common people, remember!?"
"Rain is right, he must stand on trial," Iris insisted strictly yet earnestly. The princess speaking also had the side-effect of making everybody quiet down. "I would like to get all the facts in order before I make my final decision. So please, stand down for now. I know you're better than this, Claire…"
The knight, now identified as Claire, looked back to her fellow bodyguard and princess respectively. I noticed her knuckles whitened as her grip on the sword increased before she eventually stood up and sheathed it. Before returning to Iris's side, she gave me another dirty look as though I were the living manifestation of garbage and left with a snide remark.
"This waste of space doesn't deserve Princess Iris's mercy. It should've killed itself when it had the chance…"
G-Goddamn, not even Wuya and Chase were that cruel with their insults…
"If you must know, tracking you down was fairly straightforward," Sena dutifully answered as the mean knight lady made her way back up the stage. "Reports were made of the general direction your magic flying craft was last seen heading in. We teleported in the best adventurers from the capital's guild to help narrow down the search. Since Keele's Dungeon is the closest point of interest west of Axel, it was naturally one of the first locations to be scouted. From there, it was a simple matter of setting a trap for you to inevitably spring."
Ah, those adventurers had to have arrived after we all passed out. They probably saw the broken parts near the entrance, knew we were holed up in the dungeon, and decided to play the waiting game to be safe. If the surviving JackBots weren't still shaken up from the Vanir boss battle, they probably would've alerted us had they been on guard duty.
Aqua (who I just realized had Megumin tied up to her back) managed to lean over and whisper, "I told you we should've flown further out than we did!"
"No you didn't!" I whisper-yelled back.
"Royal Prosecutor, before you do anything, please hear me out!" Darkness started, still choosing to kneel before Princess Iris despite her technically being within her league. "We come with physical evidence that we are not nor ever were conspiring against Belzerg, and that what happened at the capital was not a premeditated attack!"
Sena raised an eyebrow and turned to Claire. The knight leaned over again to listen to whatever Princess Iris was whispering in her ear before standing up straight and parroting the royal tyke.
"The princess says, 'I will allow this. May whoever in the perpetrator's party is in possession of this evidence please present it before the court immediately'."
"That… would be Jack, I'm afraid…" Darkness admitted shamefully.
Claire and Sena both stifled a groan as the audience continued to murmur with curiosity. It was Rain, the mage bodyguard, that volunteered to retrieve our saving grace from off of me.
"I-I'll get it, princess," She stuttered before stepping down the stage and approaching me. Rain stood there somewhat awkwardly as her face scrunched up, as if she were trying to figure out how to go about this. "Ah… I imagine you have it in your pocket somewhere?"
"Uh… yeah, in my coat pocket," I answered lamely while gazing down at the wires digging into my body. "Might have to move these out of the way first."
Surprisingly, Rain went from timid like Yunyun to serious like Claire as she narrowed her eyes. "The guards will restrain you as they move some of the wires aside. Do not be a fool and think of this as an opportunity to escape. You will be executed on the spot should you make any sudden movements. Is this understood?"
I gulped, "G-Got it…"
Rain ordered the guards invading my space to search me with nothing but a nod. As some roughly held me in place, a few worked together to loosen the wires enough on my left side to allow my coat pocket to be exposed. The mage quickly cast some kind of protective spell on herself just in case I had thought to boobytrap my own pocket before reaching a hand in.
Squishing was soon heard.
Confused and slightly disgusted, Rain pulled her hand out, holding onto an open candy bar from this morning's breakfast. The outer layer of chocolate had melted onto the wrapper and was now coating the mage's hand.
"Oh, sorry, forgot I had that in there," I apologized. "I was in a hurry and -"
A mighty roar was soon heard, and a sudden weight was on my chest and I fell back in pain, the guards moving back in surprise themselves. A seething, snarling, snorting Claire was right on top of me with her blade right up to my fucking neck!
"Is this some kind of joke to you!? This is your own damn trial; take this seriously! I will not stand this kind of insult in Iris's name!" She shouted into my face before getting even closer into my personal bubble to hiss, "Do not make me have to stain my sword with your filthy blood…"
"What kind of sick puppy are you!?" I managed to huff out in spite of the murderous woman squatting on my chest.
The courtyard was quiet, or at least it was to me, as the threat of imminent death loomed closer and closer to my throat…
"It's sweet!"
…
All eyes turned to the voice, as the wizard I'd accidentally covered in chocolate was now licking her glove. An almost eager pace to her movements as she lapped up the sweet-tasting gunk.
"...Lady Rain, you are in public," Claire muttered.
Even I was baffled by her decision to lick mystery goop from out of someone else's pocket. "You are a braver woman than I…"
Rain ignored us, offering the discarded wrapper to Iris. "Princess, would you like to try some? It appears to be cocoa mixed with a sweetener of some kind to remove all the bitterness."
All tension in the event really seeped out as the princess took the last of the candy for herself, acting just how you'd expect a kid tasting candy for the first time. Claire blushed as she observed the princess's movements, and I could feel her grip on me loosen by the second. Once again, my life was saved thanks to the miracle of Kit-Kats.
"It appears you have appeased the princess for now," Claire informed me after having collected herself. "But should you have any other tricks in your pocket -"
"I don't! Megumin ate them all! Promise!"
"Tch!" Came an annoyed grunt, but not from the furious blonde on top of me. I think it actually came from Iris of all people. Note to self: butter up royalty with Butterfingers...
Claire decided to do the pocket grab this time, careful not to smear anything brown on herself and bringing out the mask.
The crowd and soldiers audibly gasped at the sight of all that remained of the self-proclaimed "strongest Devil King General". Claire and Rain inspected the object with wide eyes, clearly just as shocked as everyone else. Iris leaned forward in her throne with anticipation and bated breath. And Sena -
"I'm sorry - is that TAPE I see?"
Everyone was seemingly sucked out of their awed reverie as they too noticed the double-sided scotch tape I had wrapped down the middle to hold the two halves in place. When all eyes inevitably turned towards me again, I shrugged as best I could while still being tied up.
"What? I thought it would look nice over the mantle."
Darkness was quick to interrupt, "W-What he means to say is that the artifact of his freedom would not mean as much in two halves!"
"So…you tried to fix it with tape? A demon general's mask?" Sena asked with a massively raised eyebrow towards my blonde foot-eater.
She blinked, realizing her mistake, then hung her head in shame. "N-No… we simply wished to hang the mask above the mantelpiece…to look nice for g-guests…"
She acted embarrassed, but I think that's a perfectly fine place for such an item!
"It really would make for a kickass conversation starter, if you'll pardon my wretched incantation, ma'am," Megumin added with a knowing nod, ignoring the offended gasps she caused. "Not to mention a worthy trophy of our exploits!"
"I was the only one against it," Aqua admitted with a grumble. "The thing reeks of unwashed demon BO…"
Carefully removing the mask from Claire's hands, Rain gave her seething partner a reassuring pat on the back before gesturing for her to return upstage to the princess. The knight reined in her anger and the two bodyguards presented the mask to Iris. As she gingerly took it in her hands, her eyes analyzed it intently, looking for any possible signs of forgery.
"...It's genuine."
There was a ruckus amongst the jury. How the princess was able to come to that conclusion without any tools or such, I'll never know. Guess the kid had an eye for demonic accessories. Kinda like me, actually!
"See? If I really were in cahoots with the Devil King, would I have gone out of my way to kill one of my 'boss's' generals for you? On top of the one I already killed?" I asked rhetorically, getting a little ballsy now that things seemed to be going my way for once. We might actually be able to get out of this jam!
"W-Well, uh…I concede, that would seem rather unlikely now," Sena admitted while adjusting her glasses, actually appearing a little embarrassed to be proven wrong finally. Even so, she managed to compose herself before pulling out a…bell? "But just to be absolutely certain, we'll be using this lie-detector to confirm your true intentions."
"...That's a bell," I said plainly. I felt dumb for even having to say that.
"Correct. And since it didn't ring, it's working as intended."
"...is she okay?" I asked no one in particular.
"P-Please, Royal Prosecutor! Forgive this one, he is…not from around here," Darkness reassured Sena, eyeing the bell for a second before saying that. "As such, he is unfamiliar with our customs and everyday appliances. You understand, yes?"
"Why are you so panicked?" I asked Darkness in mild fear. "Will it kill me on the spot if it rings!?"
"It's just a magic lie-detector, silly~" Aqua explained, seemingly only barely paying attention. "All it does is ring when you tell a lie around it. Like if I said I liked your robots."
DING!
"Or if I thought Darkness's muscles were cute."
DING!
"Or if I said Megumin wasn't crazy like you."
DING!
"See? …hey, why are you all looking at me like that? I explained it pretty good!"
"Yes, well...as crass of a demonstration as that was, I believe you are now caught up to speed on the nature of the bell," Sena said after an awkward pause. "You will answer the questions truthfully, lest the consequences be dire. Understand?"
Nodding nervously, Sena continued to hold up the accursed magical item before beginning the impromptu interrogation.
"Very well. First question: are you in league with the Devil King's Army or any other enemy of the state?"
"No," I answered honestly. The bell didn't go off that time. The crowd murmured to themselves while Sena nodded to some Royal Note-taker off to the side, likely making sure everything was kept on the record.
"Alright then. Follow-up question: did you really flee from your arrest to seek out and kill a Devil King General to prove your innocence?"
Shit…
"Uuuhhh…"
"I do not advise lying. The bell will know," Sena reminded with sharp eyes piercing my soul from behind her glasses.
"I…okay, fine, no I didn't!" I admitted. "We went into hiding and bumped into that Vanir guy by accident. He tried to kill us so we killed him out of self-defense. Then we kept his mask and got the idea to bring it to you guys as a token of good faith…"
In spite of myself, I dared to look up at the prosecutor and princess. "By the way, is it working?"
"Commoners are not allowed to directly gaze at the princess, least of all suspected criminals," Claire snarled from her position. "Eyes down and do not speak again unless it is to answer before the bell!"
"Y-Yes ma'am…wait, did that count or no?"
Claire was on the verge of ripping her hair out. The princess had to pat her arm just to temper her thinly-veiled bloodlust.
"Next question," Sena coughed into her free hand, bringing the focus back to the interrogation. "If you do not identify yourself as an enemy of Belzerg, why did you bomb our capital?"
"I didn't bomb your stupid capital already!"
DING!
Many unamused death glares were sent my way.
"Ah…right. That was technically a lie, wasn't it?" I chuckled awkwardly. When the glares only hardened, I quickly corrected myself. "What I meant to say was I never intended to bomb the capital. I keep telling you it was a freak accident, but nobody wants to hear it! Seriously, haven't you people ever heard of, 'innocent until proven guilty'?"
The bell kept quiet that time. I was really beginning to hate this magic device more and more as the trial went on.
"Then how did this happen; what is your explanation for this disaster?"
I clicked my tongue, "Oh, so NOW you wanna listen, huh?"
"JUST TAKE THE WIN AND TALK, JACK!"
"Okay, okay! Got caught up in the moment, sorry…" I apologized after all three of my girls yelled at me in unison. "Look, you want the honest truth? The big boom would've killed most of Axel had I not ordered it to go boom elsewhere. When dealing with a literal ticking time bomb, the mind doesn't exactly have the luxury to sit back and think, 'where should we send our untimely demise?'. So when a wizard says she can randomly teleport it to any location in the world, YOU TAKE HER UP ON THAT OFFER! It just so happens that my Luck stat is so godawful, the coronatite just happened to wind up at your front doorstep of all places."
Sena and the others observed the bell intensely as I laid it all out bare. Naturally, it didn't ring once. Even so, the prosecutor still had the gall to give me a weird look anyway.
"Your Luck stat can't possibly be that low for it to be the sole cause of all this."
"Wanna take a look at my Adventurer's Card and see for yourself?"
As their brains tried to process the information, I was able to shuffle my hands around undetected to grab said card from my pocket. I quietly used my Wind Breath skill to blow it over to Sena in a rather impressive move if I do say so myself. Although I probably should've just waited for someone to order the guards to confiscate it from me as soldiers immediately swarmed me with their weapons ready to skewer me. Hindsight being 20/20, I can see how that might've looked like a possible sneak attack on my captors.
"Thank you for the card, but that was reckless and stupid of you. Another unprompted action like that and we will have you sentenced to death regardless of the bell," Sena stated coldly and emotionlessly. Humans really could be more robotic than my own robots. "Now, about that Luck stat…"
The Royal Prosecutor looked over my card. Then her eyes widened, enough to nearly make her glasses fall right off the bridge of her nose.
"Wha- I…good lord, this stat truly is miserable! H-How have you not tripped up on your own shoelaces into a sword?!"
"Competency trumps luck," I answered simply.
DING!
"Oh, 'DING' yourself!"
Nobody paid any mind to my one-sided comedy routine with the annoying bell. Instead, Sena was now showing my card to the rest of the royal cast.
"Lady Dustiness, THIS is who you spend your time with?"
"Unbelievable. It's like his stat has a permanent debuff effect …"
"Eris must truly loathe this man…"
"Thanks! Comments are dully noted!" I growled at them despite the armored men with swords breathing down my neck. "Do you believe me now or shall I go walk under a ladder and get struck by lightning twice!?"
I sincerely hope I haven't jinxed myself and actually do get struck by lightning twice again.
"I-I suppose with all the evidence…"
Claire placed a hand on Sena's shoulder. "Hang on…is that a Lich skill I see listed on here?"
Craaaaaap.
"Um. Maybe?"
DING!
"Yeah, yeah. It is."
"And how did you come to learn such a skill, dare I ask?"
This…could be problematic. While I would love nothing more than to rat Wiz out for her ratting on me, her allegiance to the Devil King (superficial though it may be) might call into question my own stake in this war. But how do I get away with lying to a magic lie-detector? Hmmm…
"Well...it doesn't necessarily have to be a Lich I learned it from, right? If someone else already had the skill - say one Satou Kazuma from Axel - I could've learned it from them provided we were both still the generic 'Adventurer' class, yeah?"
I eyed the bell. No dings, thank fuck. I have skillfully deduced that hypotheticals were this thing's blind spot. Sorry, Green Bean, but I am evil. Somebody was going to have to take the fall. Gotta look out for #1.
Everyone murmured up a storm again as they all bought it: hook, line and sinker.
"That would definitely raise some concerns, yes. We may have to bring this individual in for questioning later," Sena said, mainly to herself as several servants were taking/passing notes and generally scurrying around like busy ants on a new lead. "Just two more questions left. We have taken notice of your rather unusual magical devices. Do you have any connections with the fallen kingdom formally known as Noise?"
"Uh, no? I've heard it mentioned before but I'm still clueless about it. Who names their advanced tech kingdom 'Noise' anyway?"
"That answers that then. Final question," Sena declared, making me grunt for not answering any of my questions. "What made you want to be an adventurer in the first place? Is it the desire to want to protect this nation from the Devil King's forces? Or is it more shallow, like desiring wealth and fame?"
Huh. Well, on the one hand, I'm glad she's making this last one easier on me with her wording. But on the other hand, way to blatantly out me for having to admit the latter like that, Sena.
"Um…y-yeah, uh, the wealth and fame part of the deal did sound pretty nice, I won't lie…"
"How typical!" I heard one of the nobles declare from his cushy seat in the specially designated bleachers. "But I suppose it's only natural that a commoner feels the need to overcompensate for not being born into the right family~!"
The other nobles nodded and mumbled various agreements. The adventurers with overpowered weapons and abilities could do little but sulk and grumble, lest they get themselves in trouble with their "superiors". They may not particularly care what happens to me either way, but I couldn't help but share in their annoyance.
Just bottle it up for later, Jack, you'll show them all one day…
"Princess Iris, may I be so bold as to add my own thoughts to the conversation?" Darkness suddenly asked the royal kid, still kneeling this entire time. Pretty sure she was doing it because it was making her knee hurt rather than because she felt she had to.
"Of course, Elder Sister, speak your mind. And you don't have to continue kneeling. You may stand if you'd like."
"Thank you, and that's alright, I'm fine like this," She thanked and declined in the same breath, carrying on before Iris could just tell her to stand up. "Firstly, my condolences to those who were hospitalized in the coronatite incident. It was a tragedy no matter how one looks at it, and I wish them a swift recovery. Secondly, I may have only known Jack Spicer for half a year now, but in my time being a member of his party, I've grown to respect him. Rude though he may be and crass as he is more often than not…I would trust him with my life in a heartbeat, as he would for me and the rest of his party. So I swear to you, under my oath as a Dustiness, that this man is not at fault for such this unfortunate accident."
Now it was the nobles' turn to grumble and stew in annoyance, only muttering loudly enough to make unflattering remarks about their fellow noble. She may have been sorta into that kind of treatment, but it still made me irrationally angry. I can't wait to knock all these lesser men down a peg in the future; show them that I don't forget when someone rags on my team.
Princess Iris cupped her chin as she let her "elder sister's" words sink in. After a moment, she whispered into Claire's ear again so that she could deliver the final verdict for her.
"The princess says, 'Given the results of the lie-detector and Lady Dustiness's own words, I find Jack Spicer not guilty of treason or conspiracy'!"
"YES!" I whooped.
"'He is, however, still guilty of fleeing from authorities and resisting arrest. Furthermore, despite the coronatite incident being definitively proven as an unfortunate accident, the burden of responsibility still has to be shared'."
"Aww man…"
Iris whispered more for Claire to repeat. "'Until further notice, Jack Spicer is hereby banned from setting foot in the capital. Should he be seen within the city's walls, he will be immediately detained with no trial. Any and all quest rewards you earn at any guilds will be automatically deducted to pay for the damages incurred in this incident, starting with Vanir's bounty. Since Spicer's party has already done this kingdom an invaluable service by slaying two generals of the Devil King's Army, this will be yet another way for them to give back to the community. If you have any questions regarding these conditions, voice them now'."
Oh, I had a few. But before I could even think to act upon them, Darkness, Aqua, and Megumin all gave me very strong, "you better fucking shut up" looks. I held my tongue.
"'If that is all, then this court is now adjourned,' says the princess," Claire parroted as the jury started to talk amongst themselves almost like students after the school bell dismisses everybody. "'The guards may now free you of your bindings and the mage that teleported you here shall teleport you back when you are ready'."
As the soldier boys finally undid the wires on the rest of us (seriously, those things were really starting to cut into my skin), Darkness came over to check up on Aqua and Megumin now that they weren't forced conjoined twins anymore.
I rubbed my wrists, before nodding to the princess. "Thanks. I'll be sure to send a stack of Kit-Kats your way for only giving me a slap on the wrist."
Claire, ever the stick in the mud, grabbed at her sword in a blind rage. "YOU DARE-?!"
"Claire."
Perhaps the loudest I'd heard the princess's voice get stopped the knight in her tracks. "As long as he follows through with his punishment, I will permit him speaking to me this way. Besides, I have been told this is typically the common cadence of most adventurers. So please stand down."
"Yeah! Serves you right, ya freakin'-OW! OWOWOWOW!" I screamed while being rapidly dragged away by the ear. Darkness gave her fellow nobles an errant wave before we disappeared into the distance, back to the teleport circles.
"Learn! To! Shut! Up!" She yelled when we were far enough away, shaking my collar for all the leather could take. "Why must you undermine your own chances at every turn!? We only just barely managed to get through that; my word can't save us twice you know!"
Megumin and Aqua, having caught up to the two of us mid pummeling, were also piling on. "I'll say. Kazuma's gonna be pissed off though," Said Megumin, stretching out her arms after being tied up, "Guess we need to make more candy then, riiighhhtt~"
"If we are, it's all going to the princess," Darkness stated firmly.
"Oh come on! ALL of it?!" She whined. "You trying to fatten her up to be your size, Darkness!?"
"KAH! Th-That's it! No candy for a week, young lady!"
With a smug shrug, Aqua tried to look above it all, "Ah, kids and their candy~ So young and naïve~ Hmm… say, I think we're out of bubbly back home. You think the teleporter will send us to a market if we ask?"
"You're going to get grounded too if you're not careful," warned the mother hen of the party.
"Wha-?! What did I do?! Seriously! I've been a good girl, Darkness!"
"Say that to my non-cute muscles…" She countered with a pout.
"Or my robots…" I added with a glare.
"You and every other pleb in Axel will rue the day you called the Great Megumin 'crazy'…"
When we got to the teleport circle (in spite of Aqua's crying), we noticed the mage and adventurers that had kidnapped us were not only here but seemingly waiting for us. They must've teleported themselves in after we fell into their trap back at Keele's Dungeon. The mage played around with her staff awkwardly before she noticed us approaching.
"Oh, hey! Listen, um…sorry about earlier, with the Wire Trap and all. Before the coronatite thing, there hadn't been any attacks on the capital for a while and suddenly the guild was putting up emergency quests for you and…well, m-money is money, right? No hard feelings…?"
"Eh, I get it. No skin off my nose," I said with a hand wave. "But what was that about attacks on the capital? Isn't this meant to be a safe place? I mean, why make a big fuss over my mess if you apparently get attacked on the regular?"
"Yup, definitely not from around here," commented one of the other adventurers. "The capital is, like, right on top of the border to the Devil King's territory. This is usually one of the first places to get hit whenever demon troops cross into Belzerg; that's why the walls are heavily reinforced. Your thing with the coronatite was different. It actually made it into the city, you see."
I closed my eyes, nodded as I took it all in…and let it all out.
"WHO PUTS THEIR CAPITAL RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO THEIR FUCKING ENEMIES!?"
I was about to go off on a well-earned rant, but a certain Crusader built like a brick shit house slapped me on the back of the head, leaving me preoccupied with a new welt.
"Please just send us back…" She said with a sigh that sounded close to a cry.
With a slow nod, the mage got the cipher circle ready and pointed her staff at us yet again.
"Teleport!"
As fast as it took one to blink, we were back at the entrance to Keele's Dungeon. The limo was still wrecked and the JackBots that were left behind were hovering in a pacing-like fashion before they registered our presence and swarmed us with worried beeps.
"Hey, hey, boys, boys! Daddy's alright, don't worry!" I reassured frantically as I shooed them away (I needed my space after being tied up for so long). "Is the treasure still secured?"
They opened their glove compartments to ease my primary concern at the moment.
"Good, I knew I could count on you…" I then gave Aqua a long, hard look. "Unlike some people."
"Hey, I still haven't forgotten about the one that almost shot me with a laser! Your bots have got a lot of making up to do before I change my opinion of them!"
"First undead racism, now android racism? This may be a villainous team but I draw the line at bigotry y'know."
"You never give that villain thing a rest, do you?" Megumin asked somewhat wearily.
"Not unless I feel like it. Now c'mon, we got a long walk ahead of us back home. We can use Keele's gold as a buffer to help pay back the debt, but we've got our work cut out for more quests. And I'd like to take a nap in my own bed first…"
"It's still morning."
The rest of the walk home was filled with the usual nonstop banter between my teammates and I. They certainly loved to annoy the hell out of me. But truthfully, it felt good to already get back into the routine, especially as confirmed friends this time around. Besides, having heated arguments over pointless topics really helps the time go by, as we were back at the front gates of Axel before we knew it.
Future Swood here. This was by far my least favorite chapter to have to rewrite. I remember being so unsatisfied with it originally: rushed, unpolished, and clearly pulled out of my ass. I know Konosuba's author kinda does that in his own writing (imo) and that this is mostly an unserious comedy/parody, but I could've done a lot better with it. Well...here is hopefully just that, lol.
HUGE THANKS go to NamiChawn57 of AO3. Without his assistance, I'd probably be stuck on this damn chapter for even longer. It's still not perfect but I think I greatly prefer this over the first two iterations. Hopefully you older readers agree (hi if you're re-reading this)! I still gotta work on the next few chapters afterwards and the "noble dinner party" chapters as they are essentially a follow-up to this one. Shouldn't be as arduous as this chapter was but...we'll see I guess, lol. After that, I think I can go back to making new chapters again. Fingers cross that I escape my self-imposed rewrite hell!