"Alright! That's every JackBot rebuilt and accounted for!"
Another all-nighter spent repairing my pride and joys.
It was awkward as hell using Drain Touch on one of my official new friends while she slept in my lair. But MAN, it made getting Sigma Squad and Bob's BuilderBot crew back online SO much easier. Not having to sneak upstairs and tiptoe into your main power source's room every five minutes really saves on time.
Only thing that sucks about the current sleeping arrangement was that I couldn't have my music blaring while I work. Apparently, that was "too much" for an otherwise heavy sleeper like Aqua.
"Great, you must be really proud of all your hard work," Aqua grumbled nearby. "Now can we go sell Keele's stuff and get something to eat!? I'm starving and I don't have the energy to use your snack printer!"
With Megumin and Darkness nodding in mutual agreement, I relented. "Yeah, I could go for something that isn't chocolate for a change. Just lemme grab the booty and we'll be on our way!"
Darkness suddenly gasped, "Jack! Y-You fiendish pervert! I won't let you touch Aqua or Megumin's rear ends! Not while I'm here and ripe for the g-g-g-groping!"
"One, you've got some nerve calling me a pervert. Two, if that's how you're gonna react to me calling treasure 'booty', then I won't call it that anymore."
"...oh. Very, uh, well, then..."
"Don't sound disappointed."
Grabbing the loot sack on our way out, we left to go eat and do some shopping. It wasn't long before we were in the thicket of town. We were making surprisingly good time given how sluggish everyone else was.
"Jack…" Megumin called out in between yawns. "How are you this bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? You were up all night last night; you can't possibly be this ready to take on the day."
"Honestly, I don't know why I got a pep in my step!" I chirped without turning to look back or stopping said pep-step. "I think fixing my babies is just the sure-fire way to put me in a good-bad mood! Either that or it's the caffeine coursing through my veins."
"My guess is that it's the latter," Darkness replied after a short yawn, stretching as she did so. "Anyway, where were you thinking of trading in our acquired goods?"
Now that was enough to stop the pep in my step.
I slowly glanced back at the girls. Then down at the bag of goodies in my hand. Then all around the general area while doing my best to not look like I didn't have a conclusive answer to Darkness's question.
"Jack…"
"Ah...right. Figured I was forgetting something," I admitted with a chuckle before tapping my chin in thought. "Well, uh, there's plenty of different shops to choose from. Push comes to shove, I'm sure the guild hall has some kind of bank or trade system."
"Y'know, for someone with a high Intelligence stat, you sure are clueless sometimes," Aqua commented with a smirk and crossed arms.
"Am not!" I rebutted, stomping my foot for emphasis. "It's this town's fault for having a confusing layout! Makes me feel like a lab rat trying to navigate a maze. Except there's no cheese to find at the end…"
"Yeah, well there's cheese this time: enough eris to keep us from starving!" Aqua huffed in annoyance. Seems she was more testy when tired. "Look, there's probably a pawn shop or something around here we can go to. Once we find it, we're set. So move those feet already!"
"'mOvE tHoSe FeEt AlReAdY,' meh-meh-meh..." I grumbled to myself.
"Wanna run that by me again?" Aqua threatened as she cracked her knuckles primed for a God Blow attack.
"N-Nothing, goddess whom I value and respect!"
"That's more like it~"
We looked around town for a bit until we scouted a thrift store we could cash in at. And cash in we did, baby! Keele's shit turned in quite a pretty penny! A little over 2,240,000 eris to be exact. Maybe the goddess this money was named after decided to throw me a bone after all the crap she indirectly put me through? I dunno, luck is a fickle thing, more so than magic. Science at least keeps things measured and consistent.
After storing our eris in my HeliBot's emergency extend-o arm safe, the girls and I went to the nearest café for breakfast. A little indulgent, but it wasn't gonna put too much of a strain on our latest payout. As we ate, we began to devise a plan.
"Okay, so, I know what I said before about avoiding difficult quests out of our league," I started. "But the sooner the government steals enough of our reward money to pay for the damages, the sooner we can have disposable income again. We do a couple Expert-level quests, we're done in like a week. Besides, we've taken out two Demon Generals and came out of each encounter no worse for wear. We can probably handle it by now."
"Given our track record, I can't say I'm terribly confident in our performance..." Darkness commented uncharacteristically. Weird, she was the last person I would expect to be hesitant on a risky proposition. "I will always be happy to take the blows you cannot, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a touch nervous."
"Why? You can tank two of Megumin's Explosions like they're nothing. You're basically invincible."
"J-Just because I can doesn't mean I want to, Jack!" Darkness insisted, or rather blatantly lied given the fierce blush on her face. "Furthermore, I cannot protect all three of you from everything at once. If I try in vain to stretch myself thin on the battlefield, I'm no good to anyone."
Well shoot. When the masochist's right, she's right. But still…
"Alright, look, let old Jack tell you all something," I began, leaning back in my seat while my finger twirled my fork on the surface of the table. "I used to get myself into all kinds of scrapes back home, most of which were way above my skill ceiling. I've had to lick my wounds so many times, I'd often think to myself, 'why do I bother?'. But if you wanna be Numero Uno, you gotta learn to pick yourself up and get back out there. Some days I win, a lot of others I don't. But unless I try, I won't get anything done…"
"Huh...y'know, that actually bordered on being somewhat inspirational," Megumin remarked with a bright smile before slamming her fist down. "I will gladly take on more challenging quests! As much as I enjoy obliterating helpless vermin with Explosion Magic, obliterating the really dangerous monsters is where it's at!"
I smirked proudly at my little demolition expert. I knew I could count on her to understand where I was coming from. One can't take over the world if one doesn't go out into said world. That's just common sense.
"I'm down too! Aside from the fact I singlehandedly took out Vanir, I know I can handle tougher fights," Aqua chimed in with equal enthusiasm, and just a touch of mischief. "Plus, who can say no to making more cash~?"
Just like that, it was three against one. We all turned expectantly at the one party member who was unexpectedly reluctant about diving headfirst into danger.
"I'd ask what your vote is, Dark, but I'm afraid it'd be irrelevant," I said with a teasing smirk. "Majority rules again. Welcome to democracy~"
Crossing her legs, the Crusader only barely managed to contain her excitement over being casually disregarded.
"We have got to stop egging her on like that," Megumin muttered.
"Yeah, don't know why I did that..." I admitted before mouthing "I don't know her" to the people looking at us funny thanks to Dark causing a scene.
"Well, now that that's settled, what should we do after breakfast?" Aqua asked, blissfully ignorant as always. "I say we splurge on fancy, goddess-sized beds. Ain't no way I'm sleeping on a gross-ass mattress in a mad scientist's cellar another night!"
The weird stares I was receiving quickly turned harsh and judgmental. If these girls didn't behave soon, they were going to give everyone the wrong evil impression of me!
"We'll definitely get beds, relax! Just please stop making me look bad in a different way!" I cried desperately to my oblivious partner.
"Awesome!' She cheered. "Can we also get more bubbly while we're -"
"No, you'll make us poor."
"First time?" M-Bomb added cheekily.
"Hey! I have self-control, thank you!" The water goddess retorted with a pout. "Whatever, Kazuma can spot me at the bar anyway."
"Oh? I wasn't aware you two were drinking buddies," Dark said with a small smirk.
"We've had a few rounds here and there. The guy may be a pervy NEET, but he's pretty fun when he's drunk!"
"Aren't you worried he might...take advantage of you while you're loaded?" Megumin asked cautiously. "I still don't really trust him with Yunyun when he's sober."
"Relax, I know his type: shut-in, hikikomori virgin too scared to ever make the first move. But speaking of Yunyun, I have her watch over us just in case. Kazuma may be too chicken to put the moves on me, but I'm not risking losing my divinity over a drunken one-night stand. Gods and goddess lose their powers when they engage in sexual activities."
"Didn't stop Zeus and the other Greek gods..." I mumbled.
"You got something you wanna say, Ghoul Boy?"
I raised my hands up. "Sorry, was just getting uncomfortable with all this...'girl talk' for lack of a better term."
"Well, slightly off topic: what are you gonna do when Kazuma gets released from interrogation and kicks your ass?" Megumin questioned.
"For what?"
"...for telling the court he taught you a Lich skill? Did you seriously forget about throwing him to the wolves last night!?"
"What I wouldn't give to make that idiom my own reality..." Dark dreamily sighed while looking out the window like a fucking anime character.
"Oh, that?" I scoffed. "I'd love to see him try. He's crafty, sure, but he's no Xiaolin Monk. My JackBots can take him on with one claw tied behind their backs. I'm not worried about him trying anything."
The girls all took a moment to look at each other. On their faces was that familiar expression of concern, making me shift in my seat. I didn't like that look. It usually meant one of those talks was coming. I thought we were done with them already.
"I know Kazuma can be kind of an ass sometimes but...don't you think falsely accusing him was a bit too far?" Megumin asked me out of the blue. "I mean, he did come to your defense when Sena tried to arrest you."
"Yeah, then he and all those other posers at the guild kept their mouths shut after she threatened to lock 'em up too," I countered with a shrug, idly playing with the crumbs from my toast (how did these people make this without toasters?). "I understand that had more to do with a corrupt systematic institution, and I probably would've kept quiet too. Still, you three defended me anyway, jailtime be damned. I don't see Green Bean doing much to earn my respect."
"Kazuma was crucial in helping us slay Beldia," Darkness challenged with a straight face.
"I'd argue you and your rock-solid body did most of the work," I clapped back, albeit sincerely. That was more than enough to make stop working and need a reboot.
"Not to play devil's advocate - because gods don't like having to use that expression - but he did kinda spot us when we were still newbie adventurers," Aqua said while Darkness was figuring out whether to be horny-embarrassed or regular-embarrassed.
I imitated the sound of a buzzer. "Wrong! It was Yunyun that covered us. All Kazuma did was nudge her in our direction since she was too shy to do it herself."
"That's my self-proclaimed rival alright," Megumin huffed. "Forever doomed to be friendless by her own bashfulness stemming from a lack of friends. A self-fulfilling prophecy..."
"You could just admit to her that you're her friend -"
"Nah."
...
"Whatever," I relented with a shrug. "The point I'm trying to make is that I don't care what Kazuma thinks of me. Something about him just sets me off a little on the inside, and it's been like that since we first met. I don't like him, he obviously doesn't like me, all I did was get the drop on him first. Besides, just think of the evil street cred I'll get for this! They'll be cursing my name for sure when word gets out!"
"But…why do you like having bad things said about you, Jack?" Megumin grilled. Were these girls my non-existent shrinks or what?
"That's why you're the evil apprentice in this relationship, M-Bomb," I teased her with a playful eye roll. "When people talk shit and call me a big jerk, it means I'm doing a bad job. Which for bad guys is considered a good job. The reverse meaning can get a little confusing sometimes, but it's Evil 101, guys. Keep up."
"Right...'Evil 101'," Darkness repeated slowly and with uncertainty. Not surprising, she was likely taught Good 101 in Crusader School. "Say, Jack? Have you ever considered, oh, I don't know, 'tempering' your evil every now and again? You know, as in taking a moment of respite?"
"Uh, YEAH!" Megumin suddenly blurted. "I'm sure even the Devil King needs moments to unwind and decompress after a long day of waging war on us! Everyone needs a break, even from their own hobbies. I'm obviously the exception since I need to cast Explosion everyday else I die -"
"I still doubt that," I deadpanned.
"But everyone else needs time away from their craft to prevent burnout, y'know? Being evil must be like a fulltime job for you. And even if you love your job, you still need days off from it."
I blinked at her before responding. "Well, uh, I mean…yeah, I do take breaks from trying to conquer the world. Evil geniuses can only chug on for so long without a vacation. And since there might still be reps from the capital hanging around…I might as well take some time off from evil. For now."
"It's a start. So, the main plan for the moment is to start taking on the tougher jobs, got it," Darkness said with a nod. "It would be wise then to gather the essentials, like some health potions and possibly some new gear."
"That could work," I agreed as we finished paying for the food (without leaving a tip of course). "Anybody know a decent magic shop to hit up for mana potions? Can never get enough of those."
"Uh, Wiz's shop. Where else?" Megumin asked sarcastically.
"I said decent magic shop, M-Bomb. Hers doesn't count."
"As delightfully savage as you are being right now, someone needs to be the voice of reason here," Darkness managed to get out despite her arousal. She sure was making strides. "Don't tell me you also have it out for Wiz too. She only told the authorities what she knew and -"
"It's not about who got the lighter slap on the wrist!" I snapped, cutting the Crusader off and accidently making her squee. "Wiz ratted me out when it was her stupid idea to teleport the core to begin with! Bet you she realized how much trouble she would be in if she took the fall and decided to drag me down with her. She stabbed me in the back, even after we spared her in that graveyard. She's no better than Wuya or Chase Young."
"Chase who?" Megumin asked.
"Oh, right, you don't know Chase Young. He's my ex-evil hero…and former crush I ranted about in the dungeon. Y'know, the guy who tried to feed me to a dinosaur? He's another of those douchebag immortals I've dealt with."
"Right, right..." Megumin said with a nod, possibly empathizing with me for a moment...before going back to glaring. "Regardless, you don't know that Wiz acted out of spite! She was probably just scared about what would happen if she lied, something you nearly got in trouble for! You really gonna shame her for that?"
"If it means throwing Jack under the bus instead? Yes, I will shame her greatly!"
"Why can't I be shamed instead!?" Darkness interjected with a fist slam to the table. So much for being that self-proclaimed voice of reason.
I ignored the hopeless masochist and turned to our resident Wiz hater. "Aqua, back me up here! You never even liked Wiz to begin with. Could you please remind these two why she sucks again? But, uh, feel free to leave out the racist reasons this time..."
Aqua shifted in her seat a little, unexpected uncertainty crossing her face as she laced her hands together. Oh no, don't tell me the spoiled goddess is having a change of heart NOW of all times!?
"Listen, godly beings and undead...we don't get along. I still have my reservations, and under most circumstances I'd stick to them. But undead or not, Wiz didn't backstab you, Jack. Besides, she probably still took partial blame, yeah? So it's likely her business will take a hit if that's any compensation."
I gawked at Aqua and the others in utter dismay. Once again, none of them had my back…even though I was making perfect sense!
After a moment or two of irritated sputters, I sighed and threw my hands up, giving into peer pressure. "You know what? Fine! We'll go to Wiz's stupid shop already! But only because I don't feel like looking for a better magic store right now. There, are you happy? Are you satisfied? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"
"Jack, I don't think either of them are gonna get that reference," Aqua remarked with a small, knowing smile before nodding at me. "But yeah, we're happy enough with that. Right, girls?"
Darkness and Megumin nodded, seemingly unfazed by my sour mood, which was slowly fading away as I stared incredulously at the water goddess before me.
"Huh...you've seen Gladiator? I always thought of you more as a closet weeb."
Aqua got defensive, "Hey! I am nothing like Kazuma! Besides, I'm allowed to like other things besides anime. A goddess co-worker showed me Alien one time and...I dunno, it was kinda cool, I guess. A little scary though."
"You've seen Alien too!? That's one of my all-time favorites next to Terminator and Star Wars!" I suddenly geeked out. I never knew this side of Aqua! "Oh, we are SO coming back to this later, girlfriend! In case the CameraBots didn't give it away, I'm kind of a movie buff."
"Y'know, I never really considered that before. Kinda obvious in hindsight, really. But yeah, we should totally swap favorites in the future!"
As I nodded ecstatically, I forgot we still had company. Yup, they looked so incredibly lost right now.
"Don't worry, I'll download some flicks from home and we can all have ourselves a movie night. Just be prepared for me and Aqua to make witty commentary throughout it all."
"Well, I suppose I should just be happy you two found something to bond over," Darkness replied with a light chuckle. "Although these 'movies' do sound intriguing. I wouldn't mind seeing what they're like someday."
As we left the non-Succubus café and headed towards Wiz's shop, I happily explained how movies always had something for everyone. Darkness predictably got horny over the idea of violent films, and when Megumin asked if there were any with Explosion Magic, I had to explain how most explosions on Earth were man-made in nature.
This...surprisingly upset her. Apparently, the thought of "artificial Explosion Magic" insulted the little mage, probably because she knew it would essentially put her out of the job (not that she'd admit that). She even forbade me from making any explosives for my robots. I had to bargain with her just to even let me continue calling her M-Bomb!
Wonder how she'll feel about the Death Star when I show her A New Hope. Maybe the sheer coolness factor and fictitious aspect will be enough for her to let it slide. I sure hope so, pardon the pun.
Crimson Demon tantrums aside, we found ourselves at the front of my least favorite Lich's shop.
"Alright, let's get this over with," I said simply as I let myself in.
Little did I realize that by stepping foot inside the building, I would come face-to-face someone that drained all the color out of me. Literally, just like in the cartoons when a character gets scared.
"Welcome, valued customer! Although it appears you've spilled your color all over the floor. Would you kindly get that, please? Moi just finished mopping."
I hyperventilated, barely aware that all the colors from my clothes and body inexplicably absorbed themselves back into me. I pressed a button on my wrist communicator. Four JackBots swiftly crashed through the windows, chest plasma rifles out and sawblades whirring.
"THE WINDOWS! Spicer! You're making a mess!" Vanir shouted in annoyance. "Will you stop that already!? Moi is not here for a fight, you blithering fool!"
"What are YOU doing here!?" I bravely demanded behind my wall of equally tense and battle-ready friends. "We killed you! We have your mask above our fireplace! I TAPED IT BACK TOGETHER FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"
"You did what!? That's practically desecrating my corpse! What is wrong with-!?"
Vanir stopped himself mid-yell as he put a gloved hand up to his forehead and looked down to the floor, tapping his foot rapidly to calm down. He exhaled deeply through his nose before starting back up again.
"Since you apparently have the attention span of a goldfish, allow moi to remind you once more: I cannot die. At least not in the way you humans understand. My real body resides in Hell; the one you see before you is merely an avatar made from the minerals of this world. Thus, I 'live on', so to speak."
Though still stricken with fear, I did notice something slightly different about the masked psycho this time around. Aside from the silly pink apron he was wearing over his suit, the black and white sides of his mask have been switched. And there was also a Roman numeral II engraved on the forehead. So I guess that made this Vanir…Vanir "2.0".
"Oh…I knew that," I lied.
"Moi doesn't doubt you for a second," Vanir the Second said with a blank look.
"W-Well, anyway, you switched off my bots without their consent, and that's practically harassment! So consider your 'desecrated corpse' payback, sicko!"
"Yes, yes, a thousand apologies to the flimsy 'bots' I decided to leave intact unlike the others," He replied with a disinterested hand wave. "Though, in my defense, you did order them to attack me after I warned you of my strength earlier."
"Oh, SOR-RY for having a sense of self-preservation! I should've realized you had such a calming aura to you…like my dentist."
"Oh, your sarcasm~! It wounds me so~!" Vanir scoffed with dramatic flair before going back to his unamused glare. "Now, if you are quite finished, this is still a place of business. Moi recommends you either purchase something or kindly show yourselves to the door. We're not running a library here."
"I-I apologize immensely on Vanir's behalf, everyone!"
A familiar and unappreciated voice rang out as I saw Wiz rushing out of the backrooms, dusting herself off as she spoke. "Sorry, my friend can get a little…J-Jack! Lady Aqua, Megumin, Darkness! It's you!"
"Well, well, well. If it isn't Little Miss Tattletale herself," I insulted. There was just too much going on all at once, I had to get some of it out. "Say, did you know your 'friend' tried to kill me and my party? You immortals sure know how to pick your own company, huh?"
"W-Wait, what?" Wiz sputtered in confusion, furthering irritating me (and inadvertently giving Vanir a negative emotion to snack on). "Jack, if this is about the teleportation spell, I swear it was never my intention to betray you! When the Royal Prosecutor came in with soldiers from the capital, I panicked! It's not like I could just lie about what happened!"
"Uh-huh, sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night," I stated bluntly before turning my attention back to Mask Man. "By the way, how come you're not hunting me down right now? Not that I'm complaining..."
Vanir smirked and held a finger up in the air like a professor about to give a passionate lecture. "Simple! Moi has had some time to reflect on our last encounter. After your pitiful attempt to take me out, I have ascertained that you are currently a non-threat. If you truly are the dangerous being I originally suspected, I shall take the required precautions. Until then, you and moi are 'square', as you humans like to say. So let bygones be bygones, AHAHAHA!"
"…you diviners are all whack…"
"Insightful as always," Vanir chuckled before looking over to the girls. "You three have been unusually quiet. What's the matter? Devil got your tongue~?"
"No, but your stench was so nauseating, I didn't wanna risk throwing up by opening my mouth," Aqua retorted hotly. "Also, try any funny business with Jack again and I'll finish what I started back at Keele's. Got it?"
"I am never going to live that one down, am I?" Vanir sighed with a grimace and another wave of the hand. "Yes, yes, moi hears you, obnoxious blue thing. Settle down."
With Aqua and the others allowing themselves to loosen up, I made the executive decision to relax a little myself. Live and let live with the sore loser, might as well.
After ordering the JackBots to go into standby mode outside the shop, I lazily glanced back at Wiz. "You still sell regular, non-defective mana potions, don't you? They're the only decent things to come out of this shop and I need a resupply."
"Y-Yes! We still carry regular mana potions!" Wiz answered quickly, her voice noticeable strained, as though she were holding back tears. That...didn't exactly supply me with the evil warm fuzzies I was expecting. "There are some in the back, I'll go retrieve them for you!"
As the Lich pulled herself away into the backroom, I was left at the mercy of my team giving me some major stink/evil eyes.
"I'm stressed, okay!?" I defended hastily, gesturing at the smirking Vanir. "This one-off joke villain comes back from the dead and nearly gives me a heart attack! Cut me some slack!"
Darkness crossed her arms, leveling a glare at me that actually made me feel just the tiniest bit guilty. "Do better. We expect an apology from you when Wiz gets back."
Not wanting to sabotage my first and only friendship with these girls, I hung my head and nodded. It was unbecoming of this world's future supreme Devil King to have to comply with the good guys (even if said good guys were technically my friends). But, then again, I've also done substantially more embarrassing things back in my Shen Gong Wu hunting days. So I could live with it.
Still, I have got to turn these ladies over to the dark side soon. My friends could be serious party-poopers sometimes.
Wiz returned from the backroom, carrying a small box of potions and placing them on the counter, her head bowed the whole time. Grumbling quietly, I approached the counter and tried my best to come up with something reminiscent of an apology.
"…'m sorry…" I mumbled, refusing to look Wiz in the eye.
"Wha? Huh?" Wiz sniffled in response, raising her head enough for me to confirm she was indeed crying. I shifted uncomfortably as I worked my jaw and repeated myself with more certainty.
"I'm…ssssoooorrrryyyy…" I said again, though through clenched teeth. Not only was it hard to apologize to someone who I felt didn't deserve it, but I was also confused on why seeing Wiz cry didn't make me feel bad in the way that I like. I wanted to say it had something to do with her naturally cute face. That was my working theory.
"O-Oh...you don't need to apologize for anything, Jack," Wiz responded after a few seconds. "I apologize for what you and your friends had to go through. It was never my intention to see you all in trouble…"
"Yeah…" I breathed out, not realizing I was holding my breath. I lazily jabbed my thumb over at Vanir behind me and said, "How about you keep your friend on a tight leash and we'll call it even?"
"That seems more than fair," Wiz replied, quickly drying her eyes and slapping on a halfhearted smile. "Now then, will one box suffice or do you need more?"
"Just the one," I stated robotically (I know, ha-ha) while retrieving some eris from my HeliBot's personal safe. "We're on a budget right now."
"Understood. I hope they serve you well!" Wiz replied easily, seemingly already falling back into routine as she took the money and forked over the small box of potions. "Best of luck with whatever you and your party have planned!"
I nodded numbly, mostly thankful that my business here was done. Before my team and I stepped out of the shop, I glanced back at Vanir. I then looked down to the shattered glass from the window and smirked evilly.
"Have fun cleaning my mess there, '2.0'. You're more cut out to be a janitor than a supervillain anyway~"
Vanir didn't respond verbally, but I did see a glint of red flash in his eyes. I let out an involuntary squeak before rushing outside. Lame villain or no, he did still have a laser-face.
Back outside, I pocketed a few potions from the box and ordered the JackBots to take the rest off of Dark's hands. As I watched them carry the goods away without any problems, I sighed.
"I'm glad that's over - OW! Megumin, what was that for!?"
"For being a total shit stain!" Megumin growled after punching me in the arm. "All you had to do was apologize to Wiz, yet you made it sound like you were being tortured! It's not hard to own up to your mistakes and say, 'I'm sorry'."
"Oh, excuse me, I don't believe we've met before. Allow me to introduce myself," I back-sassed with a phony smile as I pretended we were strangers. "I'm Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius. And you are…?"
"Asshole!"
"I know you are but what am I!"
"Komekko has better insults than you!"
"Is that a dig at me or your sister?"
"What do you think, 'Evil Teen Genius'!?"
"BREAK IT UP, both of you!" Aqua shouted. "Can we just go the guild and get started on questing already!? Maybe beating some monsters will help us all blow off some steam."
I sighed and disengaged from what was going to be another brawl with the twerp. "Okay, okay, you made your point. There should still plenty of untaken winter-monster kill quests. Also, Dark, if you 'forget' to mention any more shoguns, I'm gonna be annoyed. You don't want to see me cry again, do you?"
"I learned my lesson last time, Jack," Darkness huffed while crossing her arms, clueing me in that she was entering serious mode. "Though you may hold reservations about my habits, I would never purposefully put another in harm's way! Such actions would be dishonorable..."
"Uh-huh, and we all know you'd absolutely HATE the thought of being dishonored, o' pure and innocent Crusader~" I teased with a smirk. I may or may not have awkward feelings for her, but getting her riled up on purpose would never get old!
I wasn't the only one who thought that too. Aqua read the room for once and jumped in on the teasing, although she struggled to really come up with good material (probably because she was actually conscious about it). Smugumin had an easier time though, so it was good. Just glad to know we had a lightning rod to turn to whenever we were at each other's throats.
This would be extremely weird if it was with anybody else. But you just have to know Darkness like we do. She's cool with it.
"JUST KILL ME INSTEAD, PLEASE!"
At least I think she's cool with it.
Anywho, after a few rounds of semi-consensual Darkness bullying, we eventually made it to the Adventurer's Guild. With nothing else to lose, we opened the doors...
And every adventurer and waitress stopped everything to look at us.
I guess this is the part where I come up with something snappy or snarky to say; the perfect entrance for a stellar villain such as myself~
However, before I could think of any cool one-liners, the guild hall suddenly erupted with a grand hoopla! Kinda startled me a little to be honest.
Luna along with some other staff members soon approached us like they had something important to say.
"Good to see you four back so soon! Seeing as how justice has been dispensed, I wanted to inform you that the guild has elected to make a special offer regarding your current financial situation."
Boy, news sure spreads fast around here without the internet.
"You mean you guys are paying for our debt yourselves!?" I asked with stars in my eyes.
"Ah, no. Not even close," Luna replied in deadpan. "The adventurers have simply agreed to chip in and pay for your meals for the foreseeable future. Since all your quest rewards will be automatically deducted by the state, we figured it was the least we could do. As for any loot you find during quests, well...feel free to keep it for your troubles."
"What an exceedingly generous offer!" Darkness chimed in. "If I may ask, how did they reach such an agreement?"
Luna poked her index fingers together and answered sheepishly. "I-I suppose you could say we all felt a little guilty for playing bystanders after Sena mentioned jailtime for 'associating' with alleged terrorists. Consider it a collective apology, Lady Lalatina."
Darkness instantly froze. Seems her fears of Sena looking into her background were founded after all. Either that or role in my trial also made the rounds back to Axel.
"Oof. Cat's out of the bag now," Megumin commented as she patted the stiff noble's back. "Sorry, Dark. Like I said, we promise not to treat you any differently."
"Oh, you don't need to worry about that!" Luna reassured. "I can assure you that most of the guild members here will treat you exactly the same as before. When the truth was revealed, they insisted it didn't matter who you were as you would always be a, and I quote, 'kickass crusader'. Apparently, you made a good impression."
Just like that, Dark went from embarrassed for real to…I guess even more embarrassed for real. This woman was a living enigma...
"Y'know, I'm technically a noble where I'm from," I added, stretching the truth a little to squeeze out every bit of support I can get. "That's gotta count for special privileges, right?"
"That's on you to discuss with your fellow adventurers. I'm just the messenger," Luna replied simply, offering my party and I one final smile and wave. "Well, I'll leave you all to it! Glad to have you back!"
Once Luna and the other staff members dispersed, the guild hall went back to its usual noisy self.
"Hey, if everyone here is going to pay for our meals, doesn't that go for our drinks as well?" Aqua asked us, a sly smile stretching out across her face. "To the bar, gang!"
"Naturally, you drunkard," I huffed with a knowing smile, expecting no less from the goddess. "Lead the way, it's practically your second home."
"Correct as always, Doctor Science! Follow your expert bubbly connoisseur, if you'd please~"
Well, so far things were going great! Seems like my luck might actually be turning around for a change!
"Yo, Jack!"
Never mind, that sounded like Tomato Boy.
Reluctantly, I looked over in the direction of his voice. Sure enough, Dust was a table away from us along with his party.
Luckily, the girls were more than happy to take the lead, waving to Dust and his company and making their way over to the table they were settled around. I loosely followed, electing to stay quiet unless directly addressed again. If the incident at Wiz's shop was any indication, peace was the name of the game for now.
"Nice to see you guys still alive and not behind bars," Dust's partner, Keith, said smoothly while sipping a cup of ale. "Heard about the royal pardon, and how you even went out of your way to kill another demon general just to prove your point. Pretty. Fucking. Badass."
"Heck yeah it was! We kicked that sorry demon's ass!" Megumin replied proudly with a puffed up chest.
"It's true, Vanir was a total pushover!" Aqua cheered, popping off a quick Nature's Beauty in the process. "Then again, he was up against an amazingly stunning Archpriest. It was to be expected~"
I was content with nodding quietly in the background, one of the rare times where I didn't want to draw attention to myself. But, because the universe hated me, it suddenly became Opposite Day as Dust outed me again. Although something was strange about him this time. He seemed almost...relaxed? Like he's not annoyed with my mere presence?
"Gotta say, Jack, you sure know how to bring on the surprises. On top of the Demon General stuff, we probably wouldn't have been able to handle the Destroyer without you backing us up! Guess what I'm trying to say is...despite how things started between us, I appreciate what you did. A lotta people do."
I blinked. "Wait...does you mean you don't have it out for me anymore? Actually, why did you ever have it out for me?"
Dust awkwardly scratched his cheek before providing a definitive answer. "Eh, you and your 'goddess' partner kinda messed up a big investment for me involving tomatoes that were out of season. Remember that flood you guys conjured to wash away Beldia? Yeah, well, let's just say that was a ton of vegetables and millions of eris gone down the drain for me. But, to be fair, I might've held onto it a bit longer than necessary."
"You're lucky, he usually holds onto grudges for way longer," Rin said to me with a sly wink.
"At any rate, I'm a big enough man to turn over a new leaf with you. So...we cool?"
"Wait – that's why you were crying about tomatoes back then!?" I shouted incredulously. "Dude, I just thought you were having a stroke or something! Wow..."
"...why would I be crying if I was having a stroke? Wait, do strokes make people cry…?"
"And this is why you don't have the Intelligence stat to be a cleric," Keith snickered.
"Fuck off," Dust cursed nonchalantly before turning back to me, albeit a little more annoyed. "Anyway, we cool or what, man? It's unbecoming of Axel's Protector to have to apologize to greenhorns."
"Uh...yeah, sure, we cool. But I still get to call you Tomato Boy! You gotta admit, the name kinda suits you, what with the red jacket and contact lenses."
Dust's eyebrows shot up, and for half a second I thought I'd managed to piss him off all over again. That was until he suddenly got up, pulled me like six feet away from the others, and frantically whispered in my ear.
"How the hell did you know they were contacts!? Shit, does anyone else know!?"
"Know what?" I asked back, confused as hell. "Dude, I have to wear contacts because my eyes are fucked, so I know a pair when I see 'em. Besides, the only people who have natural red eyes besides Crimson Demons are albinos like me, and comparing the two of us? Yeah, you don't have what I have. Now what's the big deal?"
"Nothing, man, it's nothing!" Dust sputter-whispered my way, deepening my confusion further. He was obviously dodging the question, so whatever it was must've been a juicy secret he was hiding. "Honestly, I never really gave your eyes a second thought. Probably should have thought the whole contacts thing through, now that I'm dwelling on it…"
"Eh, red's a badass color anyway, so I think it works," I stated casually with a smirk and a thumbs up. "If there's one boon to having a genetic disorder, it's that it makes me look rad as hell! Now if only the kids at school saw it that way instead of making fun of me...man, why do kids gotta be more evil than me?"
"Hell if I know, man. Kids are vicious like that," Dust replied with a casual shrug, and I was struck in that moment that somehow, he wasn't being utterly irritating at the moment. Was I in the process of making...another friend? And not someone who would just say they're my friend only to use me like a tool? Well, crazier things have happened before, so who's to say, really?
But before I could dwell on it any longer, the doors to the guild slammed open.
"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"
Oh shit, Kazuma.
The seething Japanese stormed right into the dining area even as his partner was slowing him down by trying to hold down his legs.
"Kazuma, please don't be hasty!" Yunyun cried while being dragged across the floor. "It's not worth it! Let's just go take a relaxing walk in the park! It's a really nice day out!"
The reincarnated Earth man ignored her. Everyone watched as he made his way over to me specifically. Despite my earlier reservations, I knew the dangers of underestimating someone like him. I made a deliberate show of hovering my hand over my wrist device to call for robo-backup, and this seemed to be enough to get Kazuma from immediately pouncing on me. He stopped about a table away as he barred his teeth at me like a pissed off animal.
"What's up?" I said plainly. That made his eye twitch.
"'What's up'? WHAT'S UP!? You know damn well what's up you fucking bastard! I stick my neck out for you and repay me by nearly getting me arrested!?"
Suspicious murmurs I didn't like the sound of filled the room. I didn't think the consequences of my actions would come back to haunt me so soon.
"I got hauled away by the police and spent all of last night in an interrogation room because somebody tried to implicate me for 'suspicious activity'! Only good thing to come out of it was watching Sena's cold, hard exterior melt away into a hot, embarrassed mess when her magic bell proved my innocence! Even got her to serve me tea as an apology for putting me through all that!"
...
"Sounds like you had a good time."
Kazuma lunged at me. Or rather he tried to as he forgot Yunyun was holding him down by the legs, prompting him to fall flat on his face. Even so, it was enough for Luna to shout over on the other side of the room, two security guards shuffling out of the booth behind her.
"No fighting in the Adventurer's Guild! If you have a disagreement, take it outside! This is still a place of business."
Getting back up, Kazuma dusted himself off before leveling me with an admittedly dangerous glare. "Pray that I don't catch you outside by yourself, because I won't hold back. It's on sight, bitch."
"Not when I've got killer robots on standby!" I challenged, already getting sick of his self-righteous attitude. "But I'll admit, you've got guts, especially with the insinuation that you stuck your neck out for me. You had your chance to keep defending me but stayed silent when Sena made that threat! And we all know you would've snitched on your fellow adventurer when it was your ass testifying!"
"No, no, NO! Do NOT give me any of that victim blaming bullshit! I may not be the greatest guy around, but I'm not a heartless moron - not like you! I wouldn't make false allegations in court just to get out of telling the truth! For your sake, you better hope they decide to drop the Drain Touch case altogether."
"The princess slapped me with a country-sized debt, I think they've made me suffer enough!"
"EAT SHIT AND DIE!"
Yunyun had long since let go of Kazuma's legs as he stomped out of the guild with her in tow, flipping me the bird right before slamming the doors shut.
All the adventurers and staff turned their gazes to me once the steaming Green Bean left. I was not digging the looks they were shooting my way. And the stuff they were muttering...let's just say I might've made them reconsider spotting me for lunch.
"If they don't offer me free drinks because of you...!" Aqua quietly threatened before trailing off as she tried to distract everyone with her party tricks. Megumin and Darkness did nothing but shake their heads at me before walking off to do something that probably didn't need me involved in it.
Great, just great. Only one day in and already I made my new friends mad. And it wasn't even my fault! Kazuma would've done the same thing if he were in my shoes! I don't care what he says, I've dealt with enough scumbags to know a scumbag. He absolutely would sell me out to save his own skin.
...
He never said he explicitly told Sena I framed him when he was interrogated, did he?
...
Doesn't matter. Bad guys don't feel guilt for putting worse guys in their place...do they?