I took a long, hearty swig from my mug and leaned back in my chair with a satisfied sigh. I was so happy to finally have a chance to cut loose and get my fill of bubbly again! At first, I'd planned to just grab a bite from the guild and then head back to the mansion, but when Kazuma and Yunyun waved me over offering me a round...who was I to refuse free drinks?
"A-Are you sure you don't want me to pay for the tab, Kazuma?" Yunyun shyly asked her partner. "It just feels wrong not covering for a…f-friend's lunch. Funifura and Dodonko taught me that back at the academy and they had lots of friends themselves."
"Not in the slightest, Yun. No reason I can't pay for a few drinks," Kazuma assured her with a relaxed smile, before lightly bumping her arm and shooting her a pointed look. "And I assume your 'friends' back home made you pay for plenty of meals, which you will never have to do for me. Understand?"
The poor girl pursed her lips and looked to be on the verge of tearing up after hearing that. Yunyun wiped her eyes and gave Kazuma a determined nod before going in for a hug, which he gladly returned. Cuteness overload! My scared goddess heart can't take it! Never thought a creep like him could maintain a platonic relationship with a girl!
"Fufufu. I gotta admit, I'm impressed with how close you two have become," I commented teasingly after taking another swig of booze. So long as it didn't touch my lips too much, I wouldn't have to worry about accidentally purifying the alcoholic content. "I took you as a shut-in NEET the first time we met, especially when you were still wearing that wrinkly old tracksuit."
"Wow, you really have a way with words. Ever consider taking up poetry?" Kazuma snarked in a sarcastic tone, though a smile lingered on his lips, one I couldn't help but return. "Eh, it's not like I was the pinnacle of anything special when I first arrived. I wouldn't have expected much from me either."
"That's not true, Kazuma! You're plenty special!" Yunyun boldly proclaimed. Seems he was beginning to rub off on her after all (and not in the gross way like I'd originally suspected). "Sure, your stats and class may not be anything to write home about. But you make the best with what you have and you do it phenomenally! Crimson Demons were taught that Basic Magic was a waste of skill points and that you'd be better off saving for Advanced or even Intermediate Magic. Yet I see you use simple spells in ways I've never considered! You're very versatile!"
"Heh...well, if you ladies keep insisting, then I suppose it must be true!" Kazuma yielded, puffing out his chest and doing a complete 180 from his little modesty speech.
"Oh, I get it now. You just wanted to get me and Yunyun drunk enough so we'd agree with your self-inflated ego," I said in between casual sips.
The human refuse known as Cadzuma went wide-eyed as he slowly looked back to me. "How can you be so perceptive at the worst possible time...?"
"No offense, Mr. Satou, but that's pretty low of you..." His partner sadly admitted while looking down.
"Oi! Why are we going back to using family names like that, Yun!?"
"P-Please, Mr. Satou, I'd rather you not call me by that nickname until further notice..."
Trashzuma growled to himself before slamming his head into the countertop repeatedly, snapping Yunyun out of her funk as she frantically urged him to calm down before Luna kicked us out.
"Relax, it could've been worse," I mused aloud while lazily kicking my legs. "At least you're too spineless to actually prey upon defenseless, drunk girls. We have nothing dangerous to worry about in your presence!"
"Keep talking like that and you'll set off a flag," Kazuma vaguely threatened (I think) before ultimately relenting and sticking his nose down his cup. "I knew I should've just waited for Dust to come back from his quest. Really starting to regret inviting you for a round of drinks..."
"Now what's that supposed to mean!? You tryin' to say I'm not a good drinking buddy? I'll have you know that I can discern the taste of nearly every bubbly I drink. For example, the one I'm having now is a vintage Mandrake extract which promotes vitality due to the plants' need to let out their anxieties by screaming."
"I only ordered you plain old ale."
...
"Like I said, I'm something of a bubbly connoisseur~"
"You know what? I'll just let you think whatever you want," Kazuma said with a headshake for some reason. Although he managed to find his smile as he idly swirled his drink. "Almost makes me wish I had that level of confidence. Back home, I was...well, a bit of a hikikomori as you figured. I stopped going to school and I wasn't exactly keen on making conversation with strangers in town. But you sure make it look pretty easy..."
I blinked. "That's because it is though?"
"Goddamnit, do you just like undermining heart-to-hearts or what!?"
"Well, you seem to be adjusting just fine on my end," I commented while leaning over the countertop. "You're holding a conversation with me right now, aren't you? Plus, I've seen you chat with Dust's party and that one guy with the mohawk. Although I haven't seen the latter lately...weird."
"Wouldn't be surprised if he's moved on to a higher-leveled town," Kazuma mused before taking another swig of his drink. "But I guess you've got a point with Dust and his friends. Maybe I'm not as rusty with my social interactions as I thought? Stranger things have happened I suppose."
"Who knows? I just don't think about stuff too hard," I turned in my stool to properly face the young man to lay down some sage advice. "In fact, it reminds me of a certain teaching I preach to my followers: 'No matter what you do in life, you will most likely regret it later anyway. Therefore, just do what makes you the happiest in the moment and don't dwell on the consequences'!"
My two drinking buddies stared long and hard at me. No doubt they were absolutely floored with my wisdom as a goddess~
"It's honestly mind-boggling how anybody can find that inspirational," Kazuma muttered after a moment.
"Um, h-how about we move the topic away from all the heavy stuff?" Yunyun nervously suggested right as I was about to pounce on this no-good hermit. "I-I heard from Megumin that you and your party have been doing rather well on quests lately."
"That we have!" I chirped, whatever I was so pissed about a thing of the past. "Some of those quests have been up there since late summer, so we've had a lot to choose from! I'm sure you've heard about how we took out the One-Shot Bear a few days ago, courtesy of our lovable meathead~"
Kazuma smirked and snorted, "Yeah, I have. Darkness getting a confirmed kill on her card made a lot of people lose a lot of money at the betting pool. You guys have been making heads turn around here, working your butts off to pay Iris's debt. Pretty inspiring actually."
"I know, right!? At the rate we're going, we'll have paid off the debt in no time! And while the girls and I definitely deserve most of the praise, we gotta hand it to Jack. His gadgets and fancy doodads may not complement the fantasy vibe, but they sure make our lives more convenient!"
And just like that, Kazuma's smile vanished. His entire posture shifted as he became rigid and tense, a brief scowl passing his face. He grumbled a half-hearted agreement before taking another swig of his drink, missing the concerned look I shot at his partner.
In all the excitement, I forgot about the beef Kazuma and Jack still had with each other. Oopsie…
Luckily, Yunyun seemed to know what to do. The timid Crimson Demon gently placed her hand atop Kazuma's clenched fist, causing his tense shoulders to loosen up a little. When he turned to look at her, she stared up at him, eyes wide and full of concern. That seemed to be enough to cool Kazuma down as he gave her a small smile and even patted the top of her head.
Dang, were they always this adorable together? Megumin needs to remind me how a sleazy guy like him befriend a cinnamon roll like her.
"Sorry about that, Aqua. Things are still...complicated with Spicer and I" He murmured quietly, much more subdued than before as he drummed his free hand on the table. "I know after a certain point it's better to just forget about him and move on but...fuck, it's harder than I thought."
"Yeah, he can be a real piece of work," I agreed with a soft nod. "But what do you mean it's harder than you thought? After all that's happened, I'd assume you'd just hate him by now, plain and simple."
Kazuma paused, eyebrows furrowed and mouth drawn into a tight frown as he considered his words before answering. Which I found to be quite bizarre given our previous conversations.
"It would be so easy to hate him, wouldn't it? To write him off as another callous dickhead who only cares about himself. But...in some ways...I think I can see a little bit of myself in the guy. And it seriously pisses me off!"
I accidentally did a spit-take on Kazuma when he admitted that.
Despite him glaring daggers at me, I looked him square in the eye and pleaded, "PLEASE don't tell me you wanna take over the world too! I CANNOT deal with two megalomaniacs in my life right now. Megumin already borders the line on that!"
"Ah, no. Not what I was referring to, don't worry," Kazuma retorted, even managing a smirk while my backwash dripped from his hair. "But we admittedly have some things in common. We're both from Earth, both loners before biting the big one, both have an unconventional sense of humor. I dunno, maybe I'm just connecting dots where there are none, but I always figured Jack and I would come around eventually."
Huh. Never thought of it like that. But now that he mentioned it…yeah, I guess they do have a few similarities. Truthfully, if Jack wasn't such a confrontational prick, I could see him and Kazuma getting along for the most part. It'd certainly be better than watching them silently sneer at each other every time they're at the guild.
"Listen, I know Jack can be a pain, like, 90% of the time. But it's not entirely his fault," I lightly defended, holding up my hands to placate Kazuma as he spared me another unamused glare. "While we were in hiding after Sena tried to arrest us, we talked to him about...well, a lot of a stuff. To put it simply, he's been terrified that we were gonna abandon him at the first sign of trouble. It took him nearly half a dang year just for him to accept that we aren't going anywhere."
Kazuma and his partner stared at me in surprise, with the latter having covered her mouth and on the verge of crying again. That must've hit close to home for poor Yunyun, especially given what Megumin's told me about her during their school days. Eventually, my drinking buddy awkwardly coughed into his fist before speaking up.
"So he has his reasons for being slow to trust, I can unfortunately relate. But that doesn't give him an excuse to be an ungrateful bastard. He didn't seem to have trouble making up with Dust, and he was outwardly an asshole to him. So what's he got against me, huh!? What did I ever do to piss him off when all I've ever done was give him advice!?"
Kazuma paused to finish downing his second mug of ale. He slammed it back down before continuing his rant.
"And don't get me started on his whole 'evil' streak, it's not doing him any favors. I can understand someone like Megumin being a chunni, but he should've grown out of that by now. Seriously, I try to vouch for the guy so that doesn't get unjustly executed, and how does he thank me? Nearly gets me arrested instead! God, just thinking about it makes me wanna stomp his teeth into the curb!"
"He's…how do I put it nicely? He's more delusional than a Crimson Demon, and we have Megumin for comparison," I said after pausing to chug down on my bubbly, feeling more inclined to drink than I was prior to this conversation. "The girls and I are trying to work together to set him straight. It's not easy given how deeply rooted his whole 'evil' thing is, but I think we're making some progress. We got him to apologize to Wiz for believing she ratted him out when the core hit the capital."
Kazuma just gave me a look.
"I never said it was amazing progress! Still, it's a start at the very least."
"How inspiring. Points for effort I guess," Kazuma huffed, raking a hand through his hair and sighing. "I get what you're trying to say and, again, I understand what it's like to have a shaky mindset. That being said, I doubt Jack's gonna pull his head out of his ass anytime soon and hash things out like an adult."
"Um, a-about that…?" Yunyun started before trailing off, making Kazuma turn around to address her.
"Yunyun...that look doesn't inspire confidence," He warned with an almost nervous tone. "What did you do?"
"NOTHING, I SWEAR!" She practically screamed, clamping her mouth shut once some of the patrons turned to look at her. She glanced down and blushed heavily in embarrassment. "Sorry for yelling…"
"It's alright. Just...let me know exactly what you have in mind," Kazuma gently coaxed, his tone becoming remarkably softer as he addressed her, much less abrasive or boisterous like normal. "I won't be upset with you, I promise. But I am starting to get a little concerned here."
"Right. Sorry," Yunyun apologized again reflexively. "It's just that, well…I kinda bought something the other day and I think it might help you and Jack m-make amends?"
As she spoke, she picked up her traveling bag she had lying on the floor next to her stool and pulled out a pretty purple crystal. I leaned in to go, "Ooo," and admire my reflection before she stammered on.
"I-It's called a 'Friendship Crystal'. I bought from Wiz's shop. I was waiting there to see if Megumin would stop by for a visit, b-but Mr. Vanir insisted that I should buy something instead of loitering in their shop. So I kinda made an impulse purchase…"
"I still can't believe no one's batting an eye over that guy moving in like a normal person…" Kazuma muttered mostly to himself before shaking his head and going back to addressing Yunyun. "Uh, anyway, do I need to ask what it's supposed to do? I know the name makes it seem self-explanatory but I bought a few products from that shop myself. You'd be hard-pressed to find something that isn't defective in an ironic way."
"Well, the way Wiz described it sound pretty straightforward to me," Yunyun replied, still fidgeting a bit in her seat under our intent observation. "She said that it strengthens bonds between two people who hold it by channeling their mana into it. It's actually something I was hoping to try out with Megumin…"
Kazuma eyed the orb suspiciously and hummed. "I dunno about this. Wiz is a nice, well-endowed lady, but she doesn't exactly have common sense when it comes to her wares. And something tells me there's a catch with this thing…"
"C'mon, Kazuma! Have a little faith!" I chimed in, lightly bumping his shoulder and flashing a bright smile. "This crystal thingy sounds like it could really be your chance at finally kickstarting a positive relationship with Jack! Isn't it worth the risk, just to put the bickering aside for good?"
Ever the worry wart, Kazuma closed his eyes and crossed his arms, seemingly in deep thought. Clearly, my Axis teachings have not reached through to him. In the end, however, the reincarnated Japanese uncrossed his arms and sighed in acceptance to his destiny.
"Alright, fine. You might actually be right. It's worth a try, if only to not make enemies with the guy who builds murder-death bots. We'll give the mystery orb a fair shot."
"That's the spirit!" I cheered, raising my mug up for him to clink it with his. He rolled his eyes but did just that, both of us taking another hearty gulp…
Except for me because I realized I had already finished mine without noticing.
"Refill~?" I asked sweetly, batting my beautiful goddess eyelashes for maximum charm.
"Pffft. Now how could I possibly say no to that face?" Kazuma remarked with a lazy grin.
"Yo, M-Bomb. Pass me the wrench?"
Without gazing up from my work, I extended my hand out and flexed my waiting fingers for the tool I requested. Right on cue, I felt the familiar, cool grip of the -
"…Sweetheart, this is a crescent wrench. I need a socket wrench."
I was getting flashbacks to that damn parrot all over again…
"Don't 'sweetheart' me, Jack! It's easier said than done!" Megumin chided, snatching back the wrench and chucking it back into my toolbox. "These things all look the same! Why are there so many different kinds of wrenches!?"
"What are you, wrench racist?" I snarked back, pausing to watch the rural wizard girl sort out the different tools. "It's the one with the, uh…screwy-looking thing on it. You know what, just let me get it."
Leaning over, I stuck my hand in the box and fished around for a few seconds before proudly pulling out the socket wrench. Once I recovered the desired tool, I returned to my current task: reconstructing the JackBots with their newly finished adamantite coatings!
"Don't worry, son," I whispered lovingly to the deactivated JB-CUPC4K3 as I tightened up his sockets. "Daddy's gonna make you and your brothers all big and strong with this hot new metal. Then you won't have to worry about getting destroyed in battle...much."
From what I've seen of Darkness's own adamantite armor, it's usually only ever cracked in the worst of circumstances. A true telling of its durability given how those conditions typically involved powerful boss monsters and Explosions to the face. The threats in this world were no pushovers, so giving my robots an upgrade like this was long overdue. Their survivability rate should increase tenfold once I was done here!
"You've certainly made exceptional headway in your upgrades, Jack!" The Crusader herself praised from nearby, having been placed in charge of setting the JackBots up in their charging stations once finished. "I hope my adamantite helps protect them in the future. It hasn't let me down yet!"
"I think it will!" I chirped pleasantly over my work. "Stronger armor means better chances of shielding their emotion chips from damage! Those things are the most fragile parts, so it blows whenever they get lost or broken beyond repair. Although funnily enough, Sigma Squad's chips seem to be magically endowed with greater protection. Might have something to do with the metal from that blessed sword I took off that chump in the blue armor. What was his name again? Mikey?"
"'Mitsurugi' I believe it was," Darkness corrected before tilting her head in apparent consideration. "Curious regarding the added protection though...I suppose Keele's matter of silver linings cannot be understated."
"No foolin'. Sigma Squad's been my go-to fighting force. Out of all the JackBots, they're the ones who've seen the most combat. I'm proud of how far they've come with their memories and emotions still intact."
I took a moment to admire Cupcake's shiny new metal body as I reminisced. "Y'know, I'm half-tempted to leave them white like this, just to try something new. But I suppose that's for them to decide. It's their bodies after all."
"Agreed. We'll just have to wait and see what they think once they finish charging," Darkness said with a nod and a smile as she casually leaned up against one of the charging stations.
What followed was a literal domino effect of all the JackBots she neatly lined up toppling over each other. None of them were damaged thanks to the new metal coating I just added, but the charging stations they docked in all fell apart.
Megumin and I both gave deadpan stares to the clumsy blonde Crusader. She frantically switched her gaze between us and the mess she created in an almost comical fashion. Then the self-deprecating horny switch was flipped.
"P-Please, a-allow me to get that like the oafish sow I am! To think that a proud Crusader would be reduced to a second-rate maid...~"
Since she was offering to pick up the mess she made, I kept my mouth shut. At least the JackBots weren't turned on to hear her being "turned on".
The sound of the cellar door opening up at the far end of the lair caught our attention.
"Ah, that must be Aqua," I said aloud before shooting a cheeky grin at Megumin. "How much you wanna bet she still got wasted anyway?"
Before Megumin had time to think about it, her gaze wandered towards the bottom of the stairwell and her eyes widened. I turned to follow her gaze...
And found Aqua bringing in my personal nemesis and his partner! She even had the gall to skip over to me with a ditzy smile while the latter two gawked at my lair (rightfully so all things considered).
"AQUA!" I practically squawked at the blue-haired twit. "Did you just let this loser into my secret evil liar? While the GuardBots are under maintenance no less!? Have you lost what little you had of your mind!?"
"Hey! Don't yell at me! I'm taking initiative!" She countered, fists balled in frustration as she stomped like a child. "I didn't bring them here for you to fight, dummy! I brought them here so we can sort out this stupid feud once and for all!"
I felt my heart skip a beat for a second. Ignoring the weird, dull ache in my chest again, I turned right back around and continued working on the JackBots' enhancements. "There's nothing to sort out. He hates me, I hate him back. That's how it goes. As for Yunyun…I don't hold any strong feelings one way or the other."
"Hate's a strong word, you know. He's made it clear he doesn't really hate you, and I don't think you hate him either," Aqua refuted with infuriating ease. "Listen, Yunyun came up with an idea to help the two of you become less...hostile, if all goes well."
"First, you know I hate it when you tell me how my own feelings work…" I grumbled, crossing my arms and glaring intensely at the wall to my left, refusing to give in to Aqua's admittedly infectious optimism. "Second, what did she have in mind? Out of morbid curiosity."
Aqua approached me to make me look at the unwanted guests. Reluctantly, I allowed this as she led me to Kazuma and Yunyun, the latter who shyly offered her a purple crystal ball with a nervous smile.
"I'm so glad you asked!" Aqua proclaimed. "This right here is what's known as a Friendship Crystal. It's supposed to help strengthen, or in this case create, bonds between two people. All you gotta do is hold the crystal with Kazuma, transfer a little of your mana into it, and PRESTO! It'll do something to make you two become friends! Or so I've heard. I don't really know."
"Great sales pitch, Aqua..." Kazuma said sarcastically while pinching the bridge of his nose.
I inspected the dubious magic item for a moment. Admittedly, I marveled at how it looked like there was a miniature galaxy inside of the glass. The bottom rim that held the orb in place was designed to look like an interlinking lock of handshakes to represent the alleged "friendship" aspect of the item.
It was certainly pretty, no denying that. But looks can be deceiving.
"You got this from Wiz, didn't you?" I asked Yunyun in a flat tone, making the Crimson Demon flush before nodding awkwardly. I just sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose too.
Part of me wanted to instantly refuse. There was no way anything even remotely positive could come from this...but that stupid dull ache in my chest persisted. I grit my teeth for a moment before ultimately relenting.
"Let's just get this over with. Then we can all go our separate ways for the night. Deal?"
"Deal," Kazuma agreed with a tired sigh. Aqua handed him the Bullshit Crystal and I hesitated before touching it along with him, making sure my fingers didn't touch his when doing so. The girls gathered closer to us as we stared at the crystal, seemingly trying to figure out what to do next.
"Okay, uh…Aqua said something about transferring mana into this thing, right?" I mumbled aloud. "I guess I can do that with Drain Touch."
"The Lich skill that started this shit? Fan-fucking-tastic..." Kazuma moaned. "Mind sharing where you even learned it to begin with? Or is that going to lead to another attempt at false imprisonment?"
"GAH! From Wiz, alright! I learned it from watching Wiz!"
Kazuma blinked, clearly not expecting that. "Wiz? The busty, bouncy, boob-a-licious shopkeep Wiz? Seriously!?"
I felt my face heat up from his lack of tact regarding the Lich's assets. "Y-You didn't have to describe her like that, but yeah. She's technically a Devil King General that just wants to sell useless junk to adventurers for a living. I figured explaining that to the royal court would call into question my own moral alignment, so I...well, you know."
Kazuma gave me a stare that was hard to describe; a mix of complicated emotions flashing across his face. Eventually, he settled on closing his eyes and sighing.
"Okay, I'm still pissed at you for trying to throw me under the bus, but...at least I know the reasoning behind it I guess. Wiz is a nice lady, Demon General or no. I wouldn't want undue attention drawn to her either."
Was he making my totally evil and selfish decision seem more noble than it actually was out of spite? Fuck this guy.
"Hmm…I don't really have a way to transfer my mana into this orb," Kazuma muttered, shifting his focus back to the task at hand. "Guess the best way to do it would be to…"
He trailed off as we both stared at each other for a moment. It would seem we both managed to come to the same, annoying conclusion if the unified groans were any indication.
"Alright, look," I started irritably after I finished my groaning. "Let me drain some of your mana and transfer it for you so we can get this over with. But no handholding. The less I wonder where your grubby little mitts have been, the better."
"Likewise..." Kazuma grumbled as he extended his wrist out for me. "While we're at it, let's also agree to never speak of this again."
With a grunt of agreement, I awkwardly grabbed Kazuma's wrist and activated Drain Touch. I was so used to using this skill under the cover of night on a sleeping Aqua that I actually felt kinda naked doing it in the open with people watching (Darkness salivating over the display did not help). Still, I shoved down any and all emotions as I switched my brain into clinical mode, draining away only some of his -
"AGH! Okay, OKAY – you got it man!" Kazuma hissed suddenly, pulling me out of my thoughts as I realized just how pale he looked. Must've been a little too into the zone there.
I hastily retracted my hand and muttered a half-hearted apology before turning my attention back to the crystal. Slowly, I reached out and started to channel both my mana and his into it…
Just as I was beginning to wonder if this magic item was a dud, the orb began to "spark" this pitch black energy, causing me to stop transferring magic into it.
"Uh…is it supposed to do that?" I asked in a desperate bid for reassurance.
Whatever snide quip Kazuma was prepared to make vanished as a strange, black bubble suddenly engulfed us, stretching out about ten feet in every direction. Flickers of light caught all of our attention as bizarre, magic screens appeared and projected what I could only assume were...memories?
Uh-oh.
Displayed on the first screen that flickered to life, a much younger version of Kazuma was seen standing atop a bench in a bustling playground. He had bandages wrapped around his sleeveless arms and wore a white eyepatch over one of his eyes. At first I assumed he got seriously injured before he started making energetic poses very similar to Megumin. It soon became apparent that this must've been a memory of him back when he was going through a certain "phase".
"Tremble in awe before the reincarnated form of Zenith: Soldier from Beyond the Stars, and he who is destined to slay the Demon Prince in his home dimension!"
"Chuunibyou~! Chuunibyou~!"
All the kids at the park mocked him in a sing-song voice as he continued striking poses, seemingly unfazed.
Present day Kazuma was anything but unfazed, however.
"Kazuma! Kazuma!" Megumin ecstatically cried over the teen who was too busy dying from cringe. "Is that true? Are you really the reincarnation of a powerful being!? Y'know, I'm pretty sure I was a dark god of destruction in a past life myself~"
Before I could say, do, or think of anything, I caught a flash of another screen in my peripheral vision…and my jaw dropped once I realized it was one of MINE.
In subdued horror, I cringed as I and everyone else got to watch a three-year-old ME step into the bathroom late at night to answer a call from nature. The toilet seat was up at the time and, without looking where he was going, Toddler Jack slipped on a rubber ducky left on the tile floor. The result was him/me diving headfirst into the toilet bowl, arms flailing and legs kicking as the lever accidentally got pulled. Toddler Jack promptly wet himself as he screamed in fear and pain during the whole ordeal.
I babbled helplessly in embarrassment as Aqua's obnoxious laughter grated my ears. Desperate to cleanse my pallet of that traumatic experience, my eyes fell upon another of Kazuma's memories.
The Kazuma on this screen was older and in some kind of Japanese school uniform. It was either before or after class as all the students in the room where chatting it up with one another. Kazuma was bragging to two fellow nerds (or otakus as they're called in his country) about being on good terms with some girl he apparently knew.
"Yup, I think she's into me~ Of course, I'm already saving my heart for my childhood friend who promised to marry me. So I'm probably going to have to let her down gently in case she confesses~"
"Hey, your given name wouldn't happen to be Kazuma, would it?" Asked a girl from a nearby clique. "Our friend Yumi's been complaining about a Kazuma flooding her DMs with creepy roleplay requests. He wouldn't stop even after she kicked him out of her clan in Myriad Swords!"
"But I practically carried that team!"
The words came out before he had time to slap his hand over his mouth. The entire class laughed at him. Even the otakus.
Against my better judgment, my eyes traitorously wandered to another screen, one of mine. It was my first Xiaolin Showdown, and coincidentally the first one I lost. Omi and I were hopping on stone pillars in a race to nab the Eye of Dashi Shen Gong Wu. The cheeseball had just finished taking out my JackBots and Wuya yelled at me to keep moving. The Two-Ton Tunic was slowing the monk down at the time, so I wasn't worried when he managed to haul his heavy ass over to the pillar I was standing on.
"HAHAHAHA! Now that I've defeated you, perhaps you'll respect the genius of JACK SPICER!"
"Respect THIS!"
That's when Omi pulled down my pants, leaving me in a desperate scramble to pull them back up while the other monks laughed and Wuya screamed as the kid won the race.
Yet another screen filled my vision. Kazuma appeared once more, looking only a few years younger than he was now. But his demeanor was...different. He looked utterly heartbroken, tears welling up in his eyes. After a few seconds, the point of view changed to where I could see a young woman on the back of a bike with another male student. Even I knew enough about romance to make the inference, and admittedly...this one stung a bit differently.
But what stung even more (aside from my losses and failures all being highlighted like a clip show) was seeing the memories I'd made with Chase Young. I realize now that he never respected me, so of fucking course all my interactions with him retroactively turned embarrassing. They all consisted of me fawning over him while he responded with insults and violence. The most recent one of the batch being the ultimate moment where I vented my growing frustrations with Chase and letting it slip that I was in love with him.
After commending my bravery for having the balls to speak to him like that and confirming that he already knew, he ordered his jungle cats to attack. I flew away with my skin ripped to hell and my heart broken in two...
Then the depressing family matters came up. Screens of both our memories whirled by, and I caught glimpses of what we both had to endure on that front.
"Sorry, Jackie, but this business trip to Hawaii is too important for your father and I to ignore," Mom said to a nine-year-old me as she was already halfway out the front door. "But don't worry, we left you enough pizza money to last you a week. Just promise to eat your greens along with them! Bye sweetie, Mommy loves you~!"
She closed the door, leaving nine-year-old me to fend for himself yet again in his large empty mansion. Well, not entirely empty. Little Jack went into the kitchen to meet up with his only company at the time.
"Guess it's just you and me again, Juicy."
"Juicy" was the name of my first fully-functional robot, made from my mom's juicer/blender hybrid when she denied me knife-throwing lessons. He was my first and only friend for a while, as well as the predecessor to all my present day JackBots. Their heads still retained design elements from that autonomous kitchen appliance; a loving homage to my old pal...
Juicy whirred to life, turning his blend and puree switches on and off to speak in Morse code. Before he could finish reassuring Past Jack, however, he short-circuited and shut off completely.
"I'll get the toolbox..."
Kazuma's relationship with his parents didn't seem any better than mine. In fact, you could make the argument that it was almost worse.
"Mom. Dad," Past Kazuma said to his folks with a respectable bow. "I've been doing some thinking and...I would really like it if I could have a little sister."
Mr. and Mrs. Satou looked to each other in shock before the latter addressed their son. "Oh! Uh...well, sweetheart, that's...kind of a big commitment. E-Even if we were ready ourselves, there's no guarantee that it would be a girl -"
"UNLESS you two get a divorce and remarry to someone who already has a daughter!" Past Kazuma disturbingly declared in a proud(?) tone. "Based on my research on some very cultured anime, I've concluded that there is no greater feeling than having a little sister not related by blood call you, 'onii-chan'! So if you could kindly get started on the divorce papers, that'd be...oi, why are you two cracking your knuckles like that?"
You know what? Keele was right about finding the silver lining to things. At least my folks never got physical with me. Granted, the stuff Kazuma said back then was indeed fucked up and deserving of scorn. But the beating that followed might've been overkill...
Also, if I was even halfway paying attention to the girls, I would've noted how they had all stopped laughing by now.
As I watched my own memories float by, I was suddenly struck by just how illogical this was. How was this living nightmare we were trapped in supposed to make us friends!? All it was doing was making us want to die a second time!
Speaking of death, imagine my surprise when two more screens circled by and actually showed us our fucking deaths on Earth.
Somehow, despite technically not being present for it, Kazuma and I got to see what happened to his body shortly after he died. He was lying on an operating table, a white sheet thankfully tossed over him so I didn't have to see anything possibly grisly. The doctors and nurses were…well, let's just say they were very unprofessional when announcing his death over the phone with his parents. They could be heard laughing just as hard as they were when put on speaker.
But hang on…wasn't that more or less the exact scenario Aqua described to me when I died? Did Kazuma just so happen to be unlucky enough to have that happen to him as well?
That's when I caught a glimpse of one more screen in that cluster, and watched an eerily similar ending play out. I still died in Hong Kong protecting that girl from supposedly getting hit by a truck.
But unlike what Aqua told me...the truck was, in fact, moving and showed no signs of stopping.
In some divine act of mercy, I wasn't shown what was left of me. But judging by the reactions of the paramedics provided by the worm's-eye view of the screen...it wasn't pretty. The scene faded out as reporters and bystanders swarmed the ambulance I was carted away in, leaving me with the strangest sense of disconnected dread.
I finally glanced back at the girls. Their eyes were all glued to the screens, each of them looking to be about as lost for words as a person could be. Hell, Darkness wasn't even getting off to the second-hand embarrassment! She seemingly put her self-degrading fantasies on hold to gawk like an actual normal person. I also noticed Aqua's eyes never left the screen that displayed the aftermath of my death, even after the second loop.
Questions bubbled up within me, embarrassment churning alongside a newfound desperation. Had Aqua lied to me? Had there been some kind of mistake? Was this stupid crystal even really tapping into our memories since it can apparently see past our deaths? All these questions and more had to wait as one last screen swung in front of me, capturing my attention once more.
It was another memory of me losing a Xiaolin Showdown against Omi…except this involved giant red balloons.
Oh no.
"Truth or Lie: Did you really believe me when I agreed to turn good? Or did you just take me in because you wanted to prove your friends wrong?" Past Jack asked Past Omi as he hung onto his balloon with the Lotus Twister.
"I believed you. And you disappointed me. Deeply..." Past Omi admitted sadly as his balloon turned around to confirm he wasn't lying.
No, no, no, no, NO! Not this one, not while my team was watching! Where the fuck did I put that crossbow!?
"Really? Well...you shouldn't have! I was planning to turn on you all along!"
In a flash of anger, I pulled out my high-tech crossbow and aimed at the screen, firing an ArrowBot at it before the balloon or Omi could call me out on that moment of weakness. The one where I doubted myself as a villain...
"You -"
The arrow pierced the screen, cutting off the feed to that damn memory. The magic monitor fizzled away into nothingness shortly thereafter. Full disclosure, I didn't think that would actually work, so I was kinda left standing there in mild shock when it did.
There was a moment of silence after that, even as other screens continued to appear and spin around us in an endless whirlpool of bad memories. I managed a glance back at Kazuma. The look of utter despair resting on his face was not dissimilar to my own...
Then, with delayed reaction, his gaze shifted between my crossbow and the empty space where the monitor I shot used to be. Since his face already looked so miserable, it was easy enough for me to tell how it noticeably lit up soon after. Kazuma whipped out a bow and arrow and aimed for a screen depicting a memory of him almost getting arrested for public urination of all things.
"Snipe!"
Just like before, the moment the screen was pierced, it shattered, fizzling out of existence as if it'd never been there.
Our gazes met once more. In that moment, there was the strangest sense of understanding...and maybe even a touch of unity.
Kazuma and I both drew our ranged weapons and proceeded to go to town on the remaining screens. Arrows shattered our shared sources of embarrassment with all the ease of a finger snap.
It felt cathartic laying waste to projections of our lowest points in life. And while I wasn't totally sure (what with me being too busy shooting down my embarrassing memories), I think there might've been a moment where Kazuma and I had our backs pressed against each other like a pair of badasses in a high-stakes action movie. Again, not super sure given the heat of the moment, but I don't think either of us would've mind regardless.
Within the next thirty seconds, the dozens of screens around us shattered away into the void. Kazuma and I then turned to the source of our misery and planted two arrows into it, one from each of us. The crystal slowly cracked before shattering altogether, dispelling the weird void dome that'd been surrounding us and finally ending the nightmare.
Silence overtook over the lair, save for the clattering of my crossbow after I let my grip on it go limp. The horrible trip down memory lane was over, but I still felt hot and dizzy.
"I'm, uh…think I'm gonna lie down fer a bit…" I slurred as I dragged my feet across the lab, barely making it past Kazuma before collapsing on the floor. I sincerely hope me getting KO'd doesn't become a new habit while I'm in this world.