As I sat at the guild's bar, munching on fried toad legs and chugging down some Neroid Swish (which I still have yet to identify a distinct flavor or texture for), a moody thought crossed my mind:
I am the unluckiest man around.
Not exactly a new revelation, I'm aware. But the reason this struck me was due to the losing streak my friends and I were on with quests lately. You'd think that with Darkness's gloves, the JackBots' upgrades, and the overall momentum we've been on, it'd be smooth sailing from here on out.
But all of the sudden, our winning streak kinda just...slowed down. We went from steamrolling expert-level monster exterminations to barely completing basic fetch-quests. Unpredicted or unpreventable pitfalls would spring up and ruin everything for us that day. And the few rewards we did receive weren't as much as we made before.
I've been on losing streaks back home, so normally I wouldn't dwell on it this much. But knowing what I know now about a certain Luck Goddess upstairs, I've become a lot more conscious about seemingly random circumstances hindering my progress. Even when it seemed as though the cards were stacked in my favor, Eris (allegedly) would throw a wrench in my plans and make me want to pull my hair out.
Luna's assured me that the Luck stat doesn't affect adventuring by all that much. But when yours is as low as mine, it might as fucking well.
Naturally, morale amongst the group was at an all-time low. The girls bailed on having lunch with me and opted to head back home, probably to mope in private. Figures that even when we're all doing poorly, I'm the only one openly sulking. If I was going to be in a crappy mood, I was going to let the whole world know it, dammit!
…
Y'know, I could always fall back to stealing. It has been a while since I did a bad old fashioned break-in. Think the last time I did one was when I snuck into the local smithy to melt down M-Guy's magic sword, and that was months ago. Still, slipping into restricted areas and robbing 'em blind has always been something that came to me naturally, even with my unlucky track record prior to reincarnation.
All I'd need to do was target a noble's house, steal a few priceless antiques, sell them off to the highest bidder, and BAM! We'll be swimming in the eris again, baby! Plus, with my MK II NinjaBots already built, I can amp up productivity on any heist I want! Who's evil management material? Jack Spicer, that's who!
My brainstorming was interrupted when someone sat in the empty stool next to me. When I realized who it was, I did a double take.
"Hey, didn't I rob you before?"
The silver-haired girl in minimal clothing winced in what I hope was just a playful manner.
"Damn, way to cut a Thief deep, Jack. Is this really the thanks I get for teaching you some of my skills?"
Oh yeah, Chris, now I remember. Guess she's been out of town for so long that she sorta just slipped under my radar. Must've been out in the world doing thief-y things and the like.
"To be fair, you did leave a bad first impression with that little pickpocket attempt," I said while swirling my weird fantasy drink. "And not the fun kind of bad either. More like the 'I'm annoyed at you' kind of bad. Big difference."
Chris snorted, "Yeah, feels like that should be undercut with the part where you extorted me in the aftermath. But I'm gonna let that go for now." She then leaned back as far as she could on a stool and closed her eyes, confident as always. "Because I have a job opportunity I think you'd be interested in."
"Depends on how evil it is," I said with a devious smirk. "Thieves are infamous for their lack of a moral compass, and I can respect that. Though I haven't quite nailed down what type of thief you are just yet. You tried to steal from me, which was pretty evil. But I am a bad guy and there's a chance you only steal to give to charity. If it's the latter, then count me out."
"Wow….Kazuma wasn't kidding. Your moral compass really is a roulette wheel."
Not to self: smack that green-cloaked dumbass next time I see him.
"Anyway, uh, I suppose you could consider this little venture a mixed bag. You would technically be doing good by helping me steal what I'm after, but the payout is well worth it I'd say."
I made a face followed by a noise as I mentally weighed my options. Unless the world I was trying to conquer was at stake or I'm not in the right evil state of mind (looking at you, "Good Jack"), I'd never go out of my way to do something good.
Although…my team and I were strapped for cash at the moment. And no matter how you slice it, stealing is still a crime in the eyes of the law. Hmmm…
"Tell me what the job entails and how I can stand to benefit from it. Then I'll decide if it's worth sacrificing my evil integrity."
"I can work with that," Chris replied with that ever strong smirk of hers. "Finish your lunch and meet me behind the guild. Can't risk discussing it out in the open. You never know when someone has the Eavesdrop or Lip-Reading skill before it's too late."
Why would anyone need magical skills to do either of those things? Just eavesdrop and read lips normally, people. Save skill points that way.
Chris got up and left discreetly as I polished off my meal in a timely manner. Chugging the last of my fizzy, cat-based soft drink, I paid for lunch with the spending money from Keele's loot before taking my leave. Despite settling things with Kazuma, the guild's patrons still didn't appreciate my initial disregard for "one of their own", leaving me to pay for my own food.
And to add insult to injury, the adventurers will spot the girls' meals right in front of me! The nerve! Gonna have to memorize their faces when I inevitably take over…for reasons.
Getting back on track, I made sure no one was looking before activating Lurk to sneak around the back of the building. It was truly the perfect spot for scheming: plenty of shade and tons of trash cans for cover. The smell could be better though.
"Pssst! Over here…!"
Chris startled me when she suddenly appeared out of thin air to wave me over. Must've cloaked herself with Lurk too. But I wonder how she knew where I was despite being nearly invisible. Maybe her better eyesight allowed her to see the faint ripple effects coming off my body due to the spell. It wasn't like the Shroud of Shadows which grants true invisibility, only partial.
"Damn near gave me a heart attack!" I whispered-yelled as I crouched down next to her behind one of the many trash cans. "This job had better be worth squatting next to smelly trash…"
"It will be, promise," Chris reassured with a wink before getting serious. "There's a mansion a few miles out owned by Alderp, the governing lord of Axel. He was attending a ball at the capital when it got hit by the coronatite, so he's stuck in the Royal Hospital while his son takes his place. Without his uptight father to hound on the guards' asses, security at House Alexei should be pretty lax. In other words? The perfect time for a heist. Help me steal something specific and you're free to take anything else you can carry."
"Hmm…alright, I'm hearin' ya so far," I hummed with a nod. "Fail to see how this operation could be misconstrued as good, though. You make it sound pretty despicable, and it's honestly getting me a little pumped."
"Let's just say I'm trying to cover all my bases. You're not the only person I'm bringing along, after all. Oh, and I have only two rules: don't kill anyone and obviously don't get caught. I have my own reputation to uphold, y'know."
"Tell me about it. Anyway, if those are the only conditions, then I'm game," I said before smirking evilly. "Robbing an innocent noble's house while his son is in charge sounds fun and rewarding. Jacky like-y~"
Chris awkwardly scratched the scar on her cheek. "Ehhh...Alderp isn't exactly what you'd call 'innocent'. He's arguably the most notorious nobles around, especially if the allegations are anything to go by. It's why I'm targeting his mansion; I tend to only steal from the corrupt."
I frowned. "Jacky less like-y now…"
"Ugh, you're killing me here, man," Chris sighed while shaking her head. "Look, if it helps with your weird weighing system, Walther is a pretty upstanding guy by comparison. He was a commoner before Alderp adopted him, so he actually knows a thing or two about humility."
I mulled her words over in my head…
"I can work with that."
"Thank you. The heist starts tomorrow at 1 in the morning, we're meeting outside the main gate. We'll take a wagon around the forest just outside of Alderp's estate. If we avoid running into monsters, we should be there at around 2 or 3 A.M. That'll be late enough and dark enough to give us the upper hand." Chris extended a hand out to me, smiling. "Looking forward to doing business with you, Jacky."
I eyed her hand skeptically. "You're not gonna pull away at the last second and give me a wet willy, are you?"
The Thief's smile fell as she looked at me in utter bewilderment.
"What? No, I am not going to give you a wet willy - we're in the middle of a deal! Has that happened to you before?"
"Yeah, it has," I grumbled irritably. "Granted, the demonic earwig was possessing the cowboy-monk, but still."
"...the less I know about that, the better."
Chris eventually took my hand for herself and shook it before rising to her feet. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow night. Until then, at least try to keep the 'evil' stuff on the downlow, 'kay?"
"I make no promises~" I teased with a mock salute.
"I know you're being cute, but I seriously hope I'm not making a mistake recruiting you."
Chris copied my gesture before going off to prepare for our big heist. What we were planning to do may not be 100% evil, but I was still going to make bank by the end!
And they do say money is the root of evil, so there's that.
It was hard curbing my excitement over Chris's heist offer around my team. If the girls knew what was about to go down, they would've gotten all self-righteous with me, Darkness especially. Converting them to the dark side was going to take baby steps, so coming out the gate and telling them I was planning on robbing a noble's house probably would've been too much too soon.
Anyway, once I turn in my haul to finish paying off the debt, I might tell 'em afterwards when all's said and done. Let them test the evil waters, dip their toes in the shallow end before taking a dive in the deep end, y'know?
As dusk finally arrived, I made my way out of the mansion and down to the edge of town, my black trench coat already making for decent stealth attire. The only other thing I went to grab in addition to my usual outfit was a ski mask. Can't beat the classics!
When I arrived at the meetup spot, I found Chris and our apparent third heist member waiting next to the wagon.
"Really?" I asked Chris in exasperation. "You brought the guy who compared my moral compass to a roulette wheel? At least tell me he's our getaway driver or something…"
Yup, turns out the third member was none other than Green Been himself, though he was wearing significantly less green tonight as he was similarly dressed in black for the occasion.
"Nice to see you too, Goggles…" Kazuma huffed in annoyance before turning to Chris with an equally bemused look. "You never mentioned he was our third, Big Boss. I didn't even realize you two were on good terms after the whole mugging thing."
"Yeah, well, I figured with his tech and cunning on our side, our chances of success would increase tenfold," Chris replied casually, resting her arms behind her head as she shot Green Bean a sly smirk. "You know what they say, Assistant-kun: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
"Still not super crazy about that alias you gave me. I feel like that should be a discussion for later."
"Not my fault you lost that rock-paper-scissors match. Besides, would you rather I call you my minion instead?"
"Fine, fine. Point taken."
I couldn't help but feel a little left out here, so I cleared my throat in a way to get their attention.
"So, uh, do I get an alias too or…?" I asked awkwardly.
Chris and Kazuma looked at me. Then they looked at each other. Then back at me. The former spoke first.
"I thought we were all in agreement it was Goggles?"
"Yeah. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, right?"
I felt my eye twitch as I threw my hands up in frustration.
"Seriously!? You two get to have your own private nicknaming session, and I get stuck with Green Bean's little jab at me!?"
"Like 'Goggles' is any worse of a nickname than 'Green Bean'?" Chris deadpanned, her flat look matching her tone.
"Just be grateful I didn't go with the popular contenders like 'Jack Whiner' or 'Ghoul Boy'," Kazuma added, basking in his own smugness. "I give as good as I get, y'know."
"Oh yeah? How about I give you a knuckle sandwich then!?"
"LADIES, ladies! Settle down! You're both smart and pretty," Chris sardonically declared as she literally stepped in to break up a beatdown. She turned to address me, "Jack, to make up for this unforgivable transgression on our part, why don't I give you the honor of coming up with a codename for the heist? After all, every secret operation's gotta have a codename."
"Don't fucking coddle him, Big Boss," Kazuma hissed. "How's he supposed to learn that he can't always get what he wants if you enable him?"
Chris didn't miss a beat, "Frankly, Assistant-kun, I don't fancy another 'sky-diving lesson' from him if I don't at least compromise."
Okay, now I feel kinda gross looking back on that…
"For the record, I would've caught you long before you actually hit the ground," I mumbled shyly. "It was just a scare tactic…"
"I already told you I was willing to let that go. But thank you for having a conscience," Chris complimented in a backhanded manner. "Now come up with a codename so we can get going."
Despite being told to hurry, I cupped my chin while racking my brain for ideas. Having plenty of experience leading evil teams in the past (backstabbers though they may be), I was no stranger to coming up with cool operation names. As such, I snapped my fingers as the perfect title came to me.
"Operation: Robin Hoodwinked! See, since we're stealing from a rich guy mostly for our own monetary gain, it's an appropriately evil name with an ironic twist! Genius, no?"
While Chris raised an eyebrow at my ingenious pitch, Kazuma relented in visible frustration.
"Dammit, that's actually kinda clever…"
"Thank you, Assistant-kun~"
He pointed a finger at me. "Only Chris gets to call me that. It sounds wrong coming from you. Now are we moving out or what?
"I'm sorry, but is Master Jack not in charge here?"
"HOLY HELL!"
Kazuma nearly jumped out of his skin when one of my NinjaBots snuck up on him and asked. Even Chris seemed to have been caught off-guard, and I'm fairly certain she has Enemy Detection as well. Maybe both of theirs didn't go off since we're all on the same side? Perhaps that's something to look into later.
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'm bringing a few friends of my own," I stated proudly as the remaining squad lept out of the shadows. "Meet my new and improved NinjaBots!"
While they were just regular JackBot units with lower torsos and black bodysuits, they were specially programmed and modified with ninja-like reflexes to make for some sick stealth units.
"Could've told us that before the jumpscare…" Kazuma mumbled, watching one of the bots as he took a precautionary step back. "When did you even have time to design these guys? Were they made just for the occasion?"
"Actually, they're upgrades from a prototype I made back home," I answered easily. Talking about my robots was something that fit right into my comfort zone. "A Shen Gong Wu went off in your home country a few years back and I dressed one of my regular robots as a ninja to swipe it when no one was looking. Figured I'd make dedicated NinjaBots with proper stealth protocols, even if the first one still got the job done."
"Huh. Well, the more you know I guess!" Chris chirped, having already recovered from my boys' sudden appearance. "Nothing wrong with having an extra set of hands and eyes with us, right?"
"Affirmative! And with these newly cut-out eyeholes, we'll be able to see where we're going unlike our predecessor!"
I facepalmed when one of the NinjaBots let that embarrassing tidbit slip. By the time I removed my hand from my face, my two partners-in-crime were staring blankly at me.
"Seriously…?" Kazuma uttered.
While my own mask thankfully hid my red-hot face, I hastily retorted, "LOOK! I'm more of a big picture guy than a details guy! If you wanna take over the world, you gotta get a full sense of the scope! Not get bogged down over every small, minute thing."
"Hmmm, I think making sure your minions can actually see is pretty important in the grand scheme of things," Chris chimed in with a smirk of her own, sadly not faltering under my immediate glare. "But hey, what do I know? I'm just a humble Thief. Speaking of, we've wasted enough time chit-chatting. Let's move out, people!"
With muted nods of agreement, we parked our keisters up on the wagon while the NinjaBots trail behind us in the shadows. Originally, Chris was going to assign her "Assistant-kun" on driver duty. But I was feeling merciful on the poor schmuck and let one of my robots take the metaphorical wheel. Kazuma was very reluctant to give his thanks, but with enough teasing from his "Big Boss", he expressed gratitude. It's awesome being me sometimes.
True to Chris's word, it only took an hour or so before we reached the outskirts of Alderp's mansion. Credit where it was due: the place was swanky. Spicer Mansion II used to belong to a noble, but this noble was definitely higher-ranked if all the gold trimmings in the architecture were any indication. Hell, it even put the OG Spicer Mansion to shame if I'm being honest. All the more reason to ransack it.
We left the carriage on the edge of the forest so as to not attract attention. Infiltration of the front gates was child's play with my trusty HeliBot. Using my wrist communicator, I sent two NinjaBots to quietly incapacitate two guards stationed up front, but not before letting them mess with them first. This included tapping their shoulders from behind, only to silently leap away and leave them whipping their heads around before going in for the not-kill.
Once the guards were knocked out, I used Bind to keep them bound and gagged as the NinjaBots dragged them away before unlocking the gate. My associates soon let themselves in, clearly impressed with me.
"Not a bad start, Jacky," Chris complimented. "Let's try to keep this winning streak going, yeah? We've got a long night ahead of us."
We advanced deeper into the front courtyard, skillfully darting past patrols with remarkable ease. Kazuma and I did have a few close calls, but nothing major to arouse suspicion in the other guards. Even so, it was obvious Chris was upstaging us, being the more experienced thief and all.
By the time we caught up to our employer behind a large hedge, Green Bean and I had to catch our breaths.
"Who needs…a front yard…THIS big?" I asked in between pants.
"That's just nobles for ya: always love to show off their real estate," Chris quipped as she looked on in amusement. "C'mon, you two, we've only just started. You can't be this tuckered out already?"
"Hey…!" I huffed with my hands on my knees, almost forgetting how much leg work breaking and entering took. "If I still had…my Monkey Staff…I'd be giving you a run for your money…"
"The hell is a Monkey Staff...and where can I get one?" Kazuma asked between ragged breaths. "Damn, after all this adventuring, I thought I'd have built up more stamina…"
"Right, well, as fun as it is watching you two keep up, we still got a job to do," Chris chided playfully, waving us both over to where she was perched. "Up and at 'em boys. I think I found us an opening."
Quietly mocking her little comment, I flew up to the rooftop while Kazuma used his Sniping skill to launch an arrow up in the air and climb up using a rope he tied onto it, effectively creating a makeshift grappling hook. Honestly not too shabby. My method was leagues better, but still, points for ingenuity.
"On the far side of this rooftop, there's a drop down to one of the balconies. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to look inside, so I have no idea if the attached room is occupied or not," Chris reported. "So…who's willing to bite the arrow and take the risk? I'd do it myself, but I still need to be on the lookout for more patrols."
"I'll do it," I volunteered. "Dunno about you, but I'm pretty sure I have more experience burglarizing than your lackey over here. I'll drop down and see what's what."
"By all means, go for it," Kazuma huffed, already regretting Chris's cute little codename for him. "Try not to die."
Shooting the Japanese with a pointed look, I took the plunge…
And came out of it with a mildly grazed butt. Not as smooth as I would've liked, but it could've been worse.
After tending to my sore backside (and ignoring the muffled snickering of Green Bean), I peered inside the unlit room using my Farsight skill. It was a fancy bedroom, packed with décor that could make any burglar's eyes turn into dollar signs.
Unfortunately, problems arose when I took note of the sole occupant of the room: a young man, early 20s, sleeping peacefully in his bed…with the covers pulled down…exposing his toned abdomen…
"Goddamnit, why did he have to be a looker…?"
"Hey! The hell are you muttering about down there?" Kazuma whisper-yelled to me, prompting me to look up and glare at him. "Do we have company or what?"
"Don't rush me! And yeah, I found Pretty Boy's room," I whisper-yelled back. "Only I wasn't accounting for him to be this pretty. It's kinda distracting; he might compromise the mission..."
"…What?! What are you talking about you fucking - gah, screw it! I'm coming down!"
Sticking the landing like a showoff, Kazuma stood beside me on the balcony and peered through the glass door.
"Oh c'mon – he's not even that hot! Certainly not enough to keep you from robbing his ass!"
"Look, he may not have glistening abs like Darkness, but I have a thing for toned guys – !"
I argued before immediately freezing up once I realized my Freudian slip.
I stared Kazuma down with the most evil glare I could muster as I pointed vehemently at him, ever grateful for the ski mask hiding my burning face.
"Not a word to my team. Got it!?"
"Jeez man, relax. I know the bro code, my lips sealed," Kazuma replied with an eye-roll before he lit up, seemingly having an idea. "'Course, we could always trade one-for-one so you can have an insurance policy, if that makes you feel better."
"...come again?"
Kazuma groaned (not my fault he came up with a weird metaphor!). "You let slip that you find your Crusader friend hot. I could pay it back with a little 'slip-up' of my own. An insurance policy so neither of us snitched on the other."
"That sounds more like mutually assured destruction to me."
"If that's how you wanna look at it. Now do you wanna know who I've got a thing for or not? I don't really care either way."
Despite Green Bean's annoying laissez-faire attitude, I was becoming a little curious on who he had a crush on. But just as I was about to ask…
"Well...truth be told, I've kinda got a thing for -"
"Oi, what's the holdup?"
With rotten timing, Chris gracefully landed on the balcony and glared at us. "We're on a mission and you two are busy gossiping like maidens on a wedding night!"
"Not my fault stupid, sexy rich kids are making my job harder than it is!" I whisper-yelled back before my eyes widened at the potential double entendre. "Don't take that out of context."
"Seems my bestie has had an influence on your speech patterns. I'll pray for you after this is over."
Without saying another word, Chris brushed past us and walked up to the balcony door. She then quietly cast a Lockpick skill to…lockpick the door.
Again, why is there a skill for something so mundane? Next you're going to tell me there's a skill for wiping my own ass.
Well, either way, Chris got the door unlocked for us. She gestured for Kazuma and I to carefully and sneakily follow her into Walther's bedroom. Once inside, my fellow burglars and I wasted no time grabbing everything that wasn't nailed down. I ordered all available NinjaBots up to our position and had them pass the goods along in a stealthy assembly line all the way back to the wagon as we ransacked the room.
"Alright, we're gonna start moving further into the house now. Remember, keep it quiet," Chris instructed as the NinjaBots smuggled away the last of our first haul. The three of us exited the young noble's room and quietly made our way through the halls in search of more goodies to steal.
We made it about two hallways in before I spotted an ornate portrait on the wall. I had to slap a hand over my mouth to keep from bursting out loud.
"Jeez, who puts makeup on a gorilla and frames it?" I snorted as I mocked the painting of the hairy beast. Talk about a hilarious eye sore.
"Dude, that's Alderp. Not a gorilla," Kazuma corrected, casting a thoughtful look at the portrait before stifling his own laughs. "But I can see the resemblance."
Suddenly, my bubbling giggles died out when his words set in. Upon closer inspection…it really was just a fat, hairy, blonde man with a mustache and gross grin. Yuck. Guess I had tangible proof now that not every guy in this world was a candidate for Mr. Universe.
"Really? Well damn. If I didn't believe his son was adopted, I certainly do now. No way a stud like him shares the same genes as this…thing."
"I heard a rumor that Alderp's impotent and that's why he remarries so often. There's potentially other, less savory reasons too, but I buy it being a factor," Kazuma remarked with a shrug before giving me a pointed look. "Now focus, will ya? We got shit to do, and you lusting over the ape-man's son isn't helping."
"You're certainly one to talk, Assistant-kun," Chris interjected with a sly smirk, currently rooting through some nearby table drawers. "Need I remind you of the time you stole my panties and waved them around like a flag, crying tears of joy all the while?"
"We agreed to keep that confidential!" Kazuma hissed with flushed cheeks. "Contrary to popular belief, I'm not as much of a scum-fuck as some idiots think I am. I'm actually trying to be better these days. Seriously, you steal panties one time and no one lets you forget…"
"Well, there's also the fact you use that incel logic about 'gender equality' as an excuse to dropkick women that get on your nerves," I added as the three of us moved away from the portrait of Alderp (something that ugly wasn't worth stealing, let alone valuable). "I don't even do that, and I want to take over the world with my friends for badness' sake. Friends who are women that get on my nerves, I might add."
"Okay, okay, I get it! Lay off!" Kazuma grumbled as we continued to sneak around, peeking in rooms for any particular valuables. "Like I said, I'm trying to be better. Yunyun has been a huge help, of course, but with how much ammo you two have to use on me, I clearly got a lot of work ahead of me."
"You know, with a backstory as tragic as mine, you could have your work cut out to be a supervillain. With how…hold that thought. Lurk."
On cue, we all activated our Lurk skill and pressed our backs against the wall as a tired night guard passed by us. The few NinjaBots that'd been trailing us had leapt to the ceiling and were carefully holding themselves up as they waited for the schmuck to pass by. When he finally did, we came out of hiding and I continued my train of thought.
"As I was saying, with how no-nonsense and cutthroat you are, you have the makings of a bona fide bad guy, my guy! The sexual harassment stuff is a bit much, but why not learn to embrace your inner scumbag and roll with it? Have a little fun being evil~"
"I dunno, man. Isn't it kind of a slippery slope when it comes to morals? I mean, where does one draw the line at 'true evil'? How far would you have to go to be in the wrong if doing bad is good?"
"Uuuhhh…I-I don't know, you're overthinking it!" I managed to get out after handing over an expensive-looking vase to one of the NinjaBots. "Look, you don't have to be the next Hitler or Stalin to be bad. Just being corrupt and self-serving is more than enough to meet the evil criteria. Well, you also need an evil laugh and a unique style to call your own. Oh, and a heroic arch-nemesis or four as an added bonus."
"...your villainy system is both childishly stupid yet remarkably convoluted," Kazuma deadpanned as he handed one of the bots a golden lamp. "I think I'll stick to the lighter side of things. Being evil doesn't make me feel better about myself like it does for you. It just makes me feel dirty and sad."
"Different strokes for different folks I guess. Anyway, hey, Chris, you think Alderp's got a super-secret stash somewhere? Like an underground treasure vault or something?"
"Firstly, it's Big Boss. Stick to the code names, Goggles," The Thief snarked before flashing another wicked grin. "Secondly, you're not wrong. He's got a few goodies tucked away in his room from what my intel said. I was planning on clearing out this entire floor first, but if you're itching for a bigger score…"
"I'm always itching for a bigger score, baby. If you know where the booty is, lead the way."
Chris stared at me weirdly. "Bold choice of words to say to a girl there, Goggles."
I scratched the back of my neck as the awkward prickly feeling made me itchy. "Hehe, uh, sorry about that. Kind of a verbal tic, y'know?"
"Duly noted. Now try to keep up, you two. What I'm really after should be just up ahead."
Chris darted over to a nearby staircase without the slightest sound and jumped over the railing. Kazuma and I shared a brief look of disdain over more acrobatic sneaking before following after her, sticking to the shadows wherever we could.
After giving a few more inattentive guards the slip, Chris eventually directed us to what I assumed to be the big cheese's room. Given the lavish king-sized bed, fancier-than-usual décor, and yet another hideous portrait of Alderp "tying" the room together, it had to be his.
"Secret safe behind the painting and/or a hidden passage behind that bookshelf over there," I immediately called out upon first glance. "Every rich guy has at least one or the other. I should know."
"Normally I'd call bullshit, but I gotta admit: that self-portrait feels a little too suspicious, unchecked ego or no," Kazuma commented before leveling me a look. "But I still think you watch too many cartoons."
"I could say the same thing about you and anime, you know," I shot back.
"Well, you boys are both right. I can sense the main prize hiding behind the painting with my Detect Treasure skill," Chris said. "Nor am I sensing any traps with Detect Trap."
"Same here," Kazuma added.
There's just a skill for literally everything, is there? At least those two sound useful and not something you can simply learn on your own.
I made my way over to the framed train wreck. What do ya know: taking it off the wall reveals a hidden safe. Shocker!
"Called it. Say, how about I give this one a crack?"
Chris gave me a smirk and a thumbs up. With her go ahead, I pulled out the stethoscope I brought with me and -
"Uh, where did you get that?" Kazuma asked.
"Don't worry about it."
I brushed my cohort aside and got to work. A minute or two later, I heard the glorious click of victory, and cracked that baby wide open to reveal…!
"…this is a joke, right?"
Inside the safe was nothing more than a single, smooth stone. That was it. No stacks of paper eris or gold/silver coins. There wasn't even an embarrassing diary to laugh at! Just a fucking pet rock.
"That's the 'big score' we were after?" Kazuma asked aloud as she stepped up to get a closer look at the pebble. "Is it like a weird family heirloom or what?"
"Uh, yeah, family heirloom! Those things are worth a lot on the black market. Now you know what I was after all along!" Chris said almost bashfully as she scratched the scar on her cheek.
Kazuma and I glanced at each other, a mutual suspicion having risen between us. On the one hand, Chris hadn't steered us wrong yet, and she didn't seem likely to. But on the other hand, it was very odd that she hadn't mentioned this little do-dad before if it was so important. We could just be overthinking things, but still.
"Uh, Big Boss? I've come to notice you scratch your scar whenever you're nervous," Kazuma admitted right out the gate with crossed arms. "There's more to this 'heirloom' than meets the eye, isn't there? I'd like to think we have the right to know what this is really about. You know, as partners?"
Chris actually seemed to falter for a moment before sighing, holding up her hands as if to contemplate us.
"Alright, you got me...it's not a simple trinket or an heirloom. What Jack is holding right now is called a Divine Treasure. They're dangerous artifacts that pose a threat to the world when in the wrong hands, like those of Alderp. My goal was to steal it from him and seal it so that no one can abuse its power."
Ah. So this must be the quote-unquote "good" that we were supposedly doing by raiding this guy's house. While that does still make me want to throw up a little in my mouth, I'll admit, if it prevents another wannabe world conqueror from rising to power, I can look the other way. This world isn't big enough for two evil dickbags.
"A mystical artifact that can bring about the end of the world? Gee, where have I heard that one before…?" I mumbled sarcastically as I started to juggle the Wu-like object with one hand. "So what's it supposed to do? This isn't exactly my first rodeo when it comes to magic knickknacks."
"That talisman allows you to summon a random monster for its wielder to control, but at a heavy price," Chris elaborated before extending her hand once more. "And would you quit playing with it like that? "
Kazuma and I weren't even close to done with grilling this chick on how she knew so much about these divine thingies. However, before either of us could continue the interrogation, a new, almost sultry voice spoke up out of nowhere.
"Steal~"
Suddenly, the not-Wu I'd been holding disappeared from my hand in a flash of light. This was followed by a window swinging open, revealing a girl with black hair and yellow eyes in semi-skimpy clothing like Chris. A subdued smirk rested on her face as she addressed us with enough smug to make any villain proud.
Although there were certain…assets about her that made it a little hard for me to appreciate that.
"For fuck's sake – if I see one more hot guy or gal in the next five minutes, I'm gonna implode!"
"Goggles, get your head in the game! I know we're all thinking it, but focus!" Kazuma snapped, drawing out his short sword and pointing it at the woman. "Oi, bitch! That doesn't belong to you...or us, really, but we found it first! So fork it over! Don't think I'll go easy on you because you're a girl!"
"It's true! He'll even use it as an opportunity to get handsy! I wouldn't risk it!"
"How are you more of a bastard than me…?"
"My, my! What a colorful cast of goons you've assembled for yourself, Chris," the scantily-clad Thief commented before making a mocking, pouty face at the silver-haired girl. "And to think the 'greatest' Thief in Belzerg needed the help of two boys to do her dirty work. Where's that sexy lone wolf I worked so hard to chase after in the past, hmm~?"
Slowly, Kazuma and I glanced at each other, then to Chris. While her poker face was still going strong, her cheeks were flushed a bright scarlet dangerously similar to my hair.
Interesting…very interesting indeed.
I cleared my throat, "Look, uh, I know we're in the middle of a thing right now, but I gotta ask…gay or bi? I'm the latter if sharing makes you feel better."
"Dude…read the room. Not the time," Kazuma said with an utterly tired look, which – given the hilarity of our current standoff – was fair. "Jeez, if I knew thiswas how tonight was gonna play out, I would've stayed in bed...or at least finish those oil lighter prototypes for Vanir."
"Excuse me – the fuck are you doing inventing things on my watch? And for Vanir of all people!?"
"...wow," the mystery woman interjected, catching my attention as I realized all the smugness had drained away from her face. Instead, it was replaced with visceral confusion that even someone as socially clueless as me could pick up on. "I…genuinely don't know what to say. I've never had to deal with this much scatterbrained nonsense before. Chris, where did you get these two nimrods!?"
"From Axel. Where all the nimrods come from," Chris barked irritably, shaking away the blush on her face as she glared her ex-girlfriend down. "Melissa, what you have in your hands is a dangerous artifact that needs to be sealed before harm can be done with it. Put your damn ego aside for once and hand it over. We'll give you all the jewels we've looted if you do. Thieves' honor."
"That's an oxymoron," I mumbled quietly to myself. Guess I wasn't quiet enough because the next thing I knew, I was tending a very sore arm when Chris delivered a rough punch to it. "OW-WAH! It's just my opinion!"
"That's not an opinion, that's just the truth," Kazuma chimed in, promptly earning his own punch to the shoulder. But rather than simply taking it like me, he returned the favor by punching Chris back with no hesitation. He really was ruthless, gender be damned.
"The fuck was that for, Chris!? Don't go hitting us for being right, hit us for being wrong!"
Chris sharply hissed through her teeth in pain from Kazuma's punch before directing her glare onto him. "So, you really aren't above hitting a girl! Between this and stealing my panties, no wonder people call you Scumzuma and Kazutrash!"
"That's it – WHO THE HELL KEEPS CALLING ME THAT! Gimme their names, I'm gonna show 'em how scummy I can really be when I get my hands on them!"
At this point, Kazuma and Chris looked seconds away from throwing hands, resulting in me backing up next to Melissa, who had now turned her attention to me with a look I imagine demanded answers I couldn't hope to provide. I offered her a hopeless shrug.
"Sorry, this is kinda new for us…"
"…who in Eris's name are you people…?"
"Oh, well that I can answer. I'm Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!" I pulled out one of the few calling cards I had on me when I initially died in Hong Kong. "Here's my card~"
Hesitantly accepting the card, she tilted her head back to the other two burglars, who were now circling each other in what was likely going to be the beginning of a killer brawl.
"Right...well, I'm Melissa, master Treasure Hunter. I'd say it's a pleasure to meet you, but that would be a blatant lie."
"Eh, no worries. I tend to get that a lot."
With our unspoken truce now settled upon, she glanced back at the stewing with a raised brow. "So...how often does this happen?"
"First time I'm seeing it. I don't hang out with them often enough to make an estimate," I commented with half-interest as I eyed "Assistant-kun" locking hands with "Big Boss" as one tried to subdue the other. "So…you hunt mystical treasures, huh? Y'know, it's funny, I used to do the same thing before I moved to Belzerg. But after a few years of doing it, I had to get out of the game. It just wasn't worth it in my opinion."
"Really now?" Melissa asked, tilting her head to me in what actually seemed like genuine curiosity. "What convinced you to leave it all behind?"
I blew a hearty raspberry at that.
"Shit, more like what didn't convince me to leave it behind. I know the world is already a strange enough place as is – which is partly why I want to rule it, just to get a peace of mind – but hunting for magical trinkets just brings out the craziest it has to offer. Reality-warping Showdowns, freaks in pajamas, smelly old ghosts that nag at you, immortal warlords who think they're better than you, and a never-ending cycle of pain and humiliation. That line of work was holding me back, so the moment I saw another opening, I took it and never looked back. Honestly, if Chris had told me what we were really after in this heist of ours, I'd have probably stayed home. Hunting mystical artifacts can be cool sometimes, but they're a fool's errand…"
"O-Oh...wow. That's, uh, certainly understandable…" Melissa admitted, her expression having morphed to reveal more and more visible horror with each of my examples. "I mean, I've pulled off some pretty big jobs before, but I've never encountered anything so...mortifying like you described."
"Well, you better learn to get used to dealing with sooner or later," I sighed tiredly as I numbly watched Green Bean and Scar Face tussle like there was no tomorrow. "Because that'll be your life before you know it…"
There was a beat of silence as I just watched my partners kick the shit out of each other, eventually prompting me to turn back to the self-proclaimed master Treasure Hunter beside me. She seemed to be staring off into space, eyes wide with what I could only assume to be mounting horror over my recounted escapades. Not that I could blame her.
Then, in an act which nearly caught me with my pants down, Melissa quickly handed me back the Divine Treasure like she couldn't even stand holding it herself anymore.
"Huh? Not to look a gift horse in the mouth but…you sure?"
Melissa nodded frantically. "Positive. Under normal circumstances, I'd call you crazy. But you just have that…glazed look in your eyes. One that only the most straightforward people can have when it comes to calling it how it is. I'm done. Consider me out of the game too. I don't know what I'll do next since treasure-hunting's all I know, but anything's better than the living hell that awaits me if I stick around. Maybe I'll use my savings to open an animal shelter or something; I've always had a soft spot for cute pets."
The raven-haired beauty jumped back on the window sill she came in through. She turned to look at me one last time.
"Farewell, and tell Chris…tell her I'm sorry things didn't work out between us."
And just like that, Melissa vanished into the night, leaving me to stare at the stone in my hands.
Without even trying…I had just talked an enemy into handing over our loot without using so much as a single threat! Hot dog! I somehow managed to surprise myself yet again.
"Hey, guys! I got the Divine Treasure!"
Apparently, I had caught the two at a very inopportune moment, with them all tangled up like my robots' wires and covered in fresh bruises. Slowly looking at each other and realizing that they had more than likely blacked out, Chris and Kazuma stiffly stood back up. Their faces red from both embarrassment and trickles of blood sustained from their little spat.
"Boy, you two really went at it, huh?" I chuckled, relishing the embarrassment on their faces given the ribbing they gave me at the start. "If I'm interrupting, I can step out, y'know. Give you two some room, get it all out of your system."
"Ha-ha. Very funny, Spicer," Chris groaned, a spark of her previous irritation returning as her face got even redder. "I get it, nobody's perfect, we fucked up, it happens to the best of us. Now how long do you intend to ride this out?"
"Oh, I'll take my sweet time, thank you for asking," I snickered before turning to Kazuma. "What, got nothing to say on your part, Green Bean? Glad to see that path to redemption you're on is real wiggly."
"I'm gonna tell the whole guild how much you like your Crusader's 'glistening' abs."
I gasped in primal fear. "B-But the bro code!"
"Oh – fuck off with your stupid bro code!" Kazuma hissed, storming up to me and yanking the stone from my hands. He promptly shoved it into Chris's hands as he walked out of the room. "I'm going back to the damn cart. Steal whatever else you want, I'm done here."
The fuming Japanese stomped away, seemingly forgoing stealth as I distinctly heard him open the front door and promptly slamming it shut. Thankfully, I'd already gotten an alert from my NinjaBots that they had taken the liberty of incapacitating all the guards once things started getting noisy. Even had to give Walther the same treatment, which was kind of a shame. Oh well, not like they'll be able to trace this back to us anyway. No security cameras.
Anyway, I awkwardly turned to Chris, realizing that she was still present when Kazuma let slip that I had a thing for her best friend's abs. Avoid eye contact, Jack, avoid it.
"So...yeah, I think we've got a good enough haul for now," Chris stated, clearly not enjoying the moment any more than I was. Hastily throwing the portrait back up over the safe, she nodded to the door. "We should get going."
"Yeah, we probably should…" I coughed, turning to follow her out the room. Before we did, however, I remembered something. "Oh, hey, uh, Melissa told me to pass this along to you before she bounced. Something about being sorry for things not working out between you two."
A strange look passed her face, though I couldn't quite pinpoint the exact emotion. I believe an inkling of hurt was present, though, just for a moment. As quickly as it went away, her poker face returned and she nodded.
"Thanks, Jack. Now hustle up, we've got a long trip back to town."
After tying up all the unconscious guards (plus Walther) and stuffing them all in a broom closet, Chris and I nabbed a few more valuables on the way out before linking back up with a salty Kazuma at the cart.
Chris informed us that she was going to take our haul to some undisclosed town a few days away from Axel and sell them at the underground Thieves Guild before returning to split the profits. Having to wait for my reward was kinda lame, but I get it; gotta be extra careful when it comes to the transaction of stolen goods.
After that, we all mounted up and started on our way back to Axel in an admittedly tense ride. I, for one, was getting restless with the tension, so I worked myself up to say something to ease the atmosphere. First thing that comes to mind, Jack – GO!
"…you're not really going to tell the whole guild about the abs, are you? Dark's really self-conscious about that, believe it or not."
Kazuma stared at me in mild annoyance for a brief moment before sighing. "No, I won't snitch. I just got pissed off. Not ten minutes after telling you guys I plan to change for the better, I get into a fist fight with a girl over punches to the arm. Deserved ones, granted, but still."
"I'll admit, I lost my cool and acted immaturely. For that, I apologize," Chris said, sitting up herself and casually swinging a leg over the other as she addressed Kazuma. "But to be fair, we were in the middle of a dangerous situation and you two were not taking it seriously. I've come to expect this sort of thing from Jack, but you too Kazuma?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" I questioned.
"In my defense, things were spiraling so quickly out of control with the arrival of your ex, I kinda lost the plot," Kazuma replied with a shrug, before tacking on, "But yeah, I'm sorry too. I should've behaved better."
"It's like I'm not even here…"
Ignoring me yet again, Chris stiffened and looked out the window of the carriage, poker face back in action. Though a tiny blush was noticeable at the mention of her "ex".
"Apology accepted. And don't worry about Melissa. We only dated for a few months before breaking it off. We're both Thieves with busy lives, it wasn't bound to last."
"Hey, you don't have to explain yourself to us. It's not our place to judge your romantic life," Kazuma reassured the silver-haired girl. He then turned to me and asked, "By the way, how did you get the artifact away from Melissa anyway?"
"It was kind of an accident, really. While you two were busy fighting, I brought up my personal experiences with hunting mystical artifacts and how it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Guess I must've spooked her with my recount because she handed me back the stone and said she would open up a puppy farm."
Chris stared at me in complete shock. Kazuma was less affected by it though considering he already saw my Xiaolin Showdown memories.
"You truly have a way with words, Jack."
"I do, don't I?" I agreed as I stretched my arms. "Anyway, I think it goes without saying that we should all probably lay low for a while once we get back. Even if Walther or his goons didn't get a good look at us, I imagine investigations on the nearest towns will be in order pretty soon."
"Agreed. Minimal contact on all our parts," Chris confirmed, cracking another smirk and nodding approvingly. "Even though this whole thing played out messier than I had hoped, in a weird way…I kinda had fun teaming up with you guys."
"Same, honestly. With how useful Thief skills are, I'm seriously considering switching over to your class soon," Kazuma admitted to her, chin cupped in contemplation. "Although maybe I should hold off 'till I learn a few more cross-class skills. I like keeping my options open."
"No harm in that. It's not like the other classes disappear the more you level up," Chris replied with a more relaxed expression, leaning back and stretching her arms out. "Besides, you do pretty damn well as an Adventurer. Jack of all trades, y'know...not too different from our other Jack either."
"Very true," I added with a hint of smugness. "Thief skills are dope and all, but I'm saving up to become a Battlesmith myself. Then I can add 'Jack Spicer, Tech Wizard of Mayhem' to my list of evil titles. Nobody does machines better than me! Speaking of which…"
I turned to Kazuma and gave him a pointed look. "You mentioned something about making lighters for Vanir. Elaborate."
"Hmm? Oh, right. Well, it started a few weeks ago when Yunyun and I went to Wiz's shop. We ran into the guy and, after a long rant about how I was the 'missing piece in a cosmic puzzle', he expressed interest in prototyping my homeland's tech. So we struck a deal and now I'm figuring out the blueprints for simple oil lighters.
Okay, wow, this Kazuma guy was sharper than he lets on if he's confident he can make lighters from scratch. I'd assume he slept through chemistry class in school before he silently dropped out. But that was hardly my biggest issue with this news.
"YOU MEAN THAT MASKED LOSER CAME TO YOU FOR MAKING TECH WHEN I'M OVER HERE MAKING GODDAMN ROBOTS!?"
"GAH! Do you just not have an indoor voice or what!?" Kazuma barked while sticking a finger in his ear.
I ignored his complaining as mine was actually warranted. "Seriously, for an 'all-seeing demon', that idiot just wasted the biggest business opportunity of the century by not coming to me! I somehow have even less respect for him now!"
"Kazuma! You're really doing business with that demonic jackass!?" Chris interjected, suddenly fired up herself. "C'mon, man! We both know you're above dealing with his type!"
"Woah, easy there, Chris! I get you're an Eris devotee and all, but there's nothing to worry about," Kazuma hastily reassured. "Believe me, I was skeptical at first too, and I agree that he is still a jackass. But…he's not hurting anyone, he's enforcing trash dumping rules - hell, people have even started calling him 'Crow Slayer' for keeping vermin away! He seems content just being Wiz's employee nowadays."
Chris scowled in response, crossing her arms and shaking her head in palpable disdain. Apparently, demons and their kin were a sore subject for her. I wasn't gonna judge; don't trust demons too much myself.
"Ah, I wouldn't worry about him, 'Big Boss'," I chimed in after some thought. "He may be powerful, but the guy's a total pushover. After all, it was my team that took him out the first time. I'll invent an immortal-proof cage device to lock him up after I rule the world, just for you. You've been pretty cool, so I might as well return the favor…you too I guess, Green Bean."
"Your charm is unmatched as usual," Kazuma deadpanned.
Eventually, the scowling mask Chris was trying to hide behind cracked as a smirk began to form, followed by a quick snort and shake of the head. "Y'know, it's people like you that keep me coming back to that newbie town. Well, that and because my bestie lives there now, but that's neither here nor there. Thanks, guys."
"Heh, don't mention it I guess," Kazuma chuckled, leaning on the side of the wagon and letting out a long, exhausting sigh. "Man…now I gotta let Yunyun know I'm okay before I can call it a night. Poor thing's like a puppy with separation anxiety if I don't let her know how I'm doing at least once a day."
"Hey, that reminds me: you still haven't told me who you got eyes for!" I suddenly remembered, pointing a demanding finger his way. "We still need that insurance policy! Is it Yunyun? It's gotta be Yunyun!"
"It's so obvious~" Chris commented teasingly, apparently just as interested in the topic as I was.
"What?! Hell no!" Kazuma protested hastily. "Guys, she's like my best friend! I can't bring myself to see her in that way, I respect her too much! That's like me suggesting Chris has romantic chemistry with Darkness!"
I felt a sudden spike of both envy and petty jealousy when Kazuma brought up such a hypothetical. On the one hand, I wish I was like Chris and only saw my crusader friend as just that: a friend. But on the other…I don't know, it's like, "hands off her, everyone else". God, why am I such a hopeless romantic? Seems I didn't learn my lesson with my last crush…
But she's nothing like him -
Don't care.
"Eh...yeah, alright. I see your point, that is a bit much," Chris replied with a slight grimace, likely thinking about her kinks in the process. "Well, regardless, you still gotta spill the beans. Who is it you -"
"Wiz."
…
"Should've seen that coming," I sighed. That's what I get for getting caught up in the hype.
"What, is my taste supposed to be controversial?" Kazuma asked defensively. "She's cute and hot as hell! Kind, sweet, busty, smells good, and absolutely stacked! Her only real flaw is that she has terrible business practice. But other than that, she's one of the few girls I've encountered that isn't a hopeless weirdo. Oh, and did I mention she's got huge tits?"
"Dude, how can you just say that when a girl is right here with us!?" I demanded while gesturing to Chris, both of us equally flustered. This guy had about as much shame as Darkness, which was to say none at all.
"Gender equality," He answered simply. "I see no reason why a girl being present should affect my appreciation for the female form. Unless you're worried about her experiencing breast envy from me gushing about Wiz's boobs."
The perv addressed his now gaping boss, "Don't worry, Chris. Even though you're flat as a board, you are easily a runner-up in my book. Sometimes a great personality overrides tiny tits."
The bright-red Thief immediately turned to me, her face contorted in anger. "Jack? How would you like to have Kazuma's share as a bonus for actually respecting women?"
"Hell yeah!"
"Hell no! STEEEEEAL!"
It was a long and chaotic ride home that night.
Future Swood here: all you really gotta know is that I retroactively changed the minor cliffhanger ending regarding Kazuma's "secret" crush. Other than his current partner, Yunyun, I'd imagine he'd have a thing for Wiz (with Chris easily being a close second). Ignoring her baffling financial decisions, I'm honestly surprised Kazuma didn't express that much of an interest in her initially beyond the huge boobs.
Also, I originally implied that Melissa gave Chris her scar due to a nasty falling out they had. Well, I've changed that considering she admits that the story behind it involves Darkness according to her Twitter QnA. I imagine that between her having to go back up to the Heavenly Realm to resume her duties as Eris and the fact that Konosuba gods will lose their divinity if they have sex, that's probably what led to the two breaking up. A simple but effective explanation.