Man, I forgot how awkward it was working on FemBots.

Sure, replicating the head from memory was easy enough; I've become desensitized to the uncanny valley a long time ago. But the rest of Alexis's body? That entire process was difficult before I got to adapting her existing programming with my own.

I wasn't sure if it felt weirder to do it alone, either. The few times the girls stuck around for the rebuilding process, I couldn't say I was any more comfortable (Darkness's inappropriate remarks certainly didn't help).

And of course, the fact Alexis's synthetic skin was soft and smooth to the touch didn't make working on her any easier. Whenever I made RoboJacks – or robotic copies of anyone – I usually stuck with regular metal bodies, but made them realistic to the untrained eye. Comforting touches were never a top priority since they were mostly designed for combat.

But given Alexis and her…former primary directive, the choice for synthetic skin made perfect sense. It just made my own skin crawl at the very thought.

Luckily, after getting past all the touchy stuff, I finally got around to introducing the emotion chip into her systems. It was surprisingly easy to install into the existing software. It almost made me wonder if the creep who worked on her considered a similar application himself...

Nah. Given that idiot's track record with machines, it's probably just a coincidence.

My disdain for Dumbass McGee aside, I asked some of my boys for help in dressing Alexis up in something more modest. I figured that, even though the JackBots had masculine programming, they would be better suited in "personal exchanges" with their kin.

Turns out, it was just as awkward for them as it was for me.

Sigma Squad flat-out refused to do it since, to quote JB-514Y32, "it was the CheerleaderBots all over again". I had to ask the bots I assembled in this world to do it since they had no repressed experiences with that awkward phase in my evil career like the ones from Earth.

Oh, Christy, why do you and your girlfriends still haunt my brain…?

In the end, Alexis was clad in a much more respectable dress; not too showy or sexualized. The Fantasy World JackBots (still have no idea if this planet has a name) managed to find one that matched her magenta and white hair. Considering how much worse they could've chosen for her to wear, I thanked my boys profusely.

After propping Alexis back up on the workbench, I did one last checkup on her newly installed emotion chip before hovering my index finger over the ON/OFF switch I added to the back of her neck. Because a certain somebody forgot to design one themselves.

"Well…here goes nothing!"

I flipped the switch and took a step back as Alexis booted up. The android sat up a bit straighter as the LED light returned to her eyes. She blinked once, twice, and slowly tilted her head in newfound, groggy confusion.

"...Hello…?"

No dirty talk. So far so bad (good)!

"Hey there, buddy," I greeted calmly so as to not overstimulate her new processors. "How are you feeling? Systems nominal? I had to do quite a bit of jury-rigging with the components leftover from your last head. Try running a quick self-diagnosis to see if everything is functioning correctly."

Alexis blinked again, before slowly nodding as her eyebrows furrowed and stared off into space. Eventually, she nodded again and answered.

"All my systems are functioning nominally, but...there's something about them that seems - feels different? What happened to me?"

"Well, that kinda depends…" I said carefully, not entirely sure how fragmented her previous memory files truly were. "Do you mean what happened to you before you got here? Or what happened to you right now? I can at least answer the latter."

"I...start with what happened right now," Alexis requested after a beat, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Everything feels different. I know I'm just repeating myself, but I don't know how else to describe it. Something about my code feels like it's been altered in a subtle way."

"That would be the modifications I added while putting you back together," I answered delicately, treating the situation with the utmost reverence. This was my first time installing one of my emotion chips in someone else's robot, so things could get messy if I was tactless. "Aside from constructing you a new head and upgrading your hair…tentacle…thingies for enhanced mobility, I installed an emotion chip of my own design into your motherboard. Right now, you're coming down from the 'high' of having access to a wide array of complex, independent thought programs. In other words? You're more human than you were before."

Alexis stared at me for a moment, photoreceptors squinting in obvious skepticism. However, as she took the time to literally process the information, those same eyes slowly widened with realization and she leaned forward slightly while gently brushing her temples. Suddenly being gifted with free will when you previously had none will do that to a bot.

"O-Oh…I see," She muttered after a moment, drawing back her hands and holding them out in front of herself. "But yeah, everything feels…sharper. Clearer? It's as though I wasn't truly functioning at full capacity up until this very moment."

"Yeah, well, your original maker wasn't exactly winning any prizes, I'll say that much," I commented dryly as I casually pulled up a chair and sat in front of her.. "Speaking of, how much can you recall from before I activated you? Some of your parts either got lost or damaged beyond repair, so I'm not super sure how fractured your memory files are. I'll fill you in on what I know if that helps."

Tilting her head in consideration, Alexis was a bit slow to answer, considering the question carefully.

"It appears my memories remain mostly intact. There are a few blank spots, but it's hard to tell if that was from your handiwork or my creator's tampering. I believe I was the last model he ostensibly worked on before putting me in standby mode."

"Well, let's start with your creator then. What can you tell me about him? Please tell me he at least had the foresight to register his own name into your data banks…"

Alexis' eyes glowed for a second as she pulled up whatever information she had.

"His name was Nishiyama Hideo. He was an inventor of sorts, though I presume you gathered as much given my existence as well as the golem he had guard the temple," She answered diligently. Then her face scrunched up for a second in disdain. "Hmm…ugh. Seems your emotion chip is doing its job alright."

"I take it you just remembered something weird and/or gross about him?" I cautiously pried. If she could recall his name and the golem – err, gundam he made, it was safe to assume she could remember what it was she was originally designed and programmed for…

"Uh-huh. Can't say he was an entirely pleasant person to be around in hindsight," She replied with her arms firmly crossed. "If there ever was a well-meaning man underneath that balding exterior, it was long gone by the time I came online."

"HAH! He was bald too!? Man, what a loser!"

I couldn't help but laugh when that new little tidbit was dropped on me. But as I gradually got a hold of myself, I was suddenly reminded of the time I sought help from future me with the Sands of Time. My heart promptly sank.

"Wait…I'm going to go bald someday…"

"You're not also going to make your own SexBots someday, are you?" Alexis asked while leaning away with a concerned/disgusted look. "Is that why you brought me here?"

"NO! God no! I'm not like that, I promise!" I frantically reassured with waving hands. "I just felt bad you never got a real shot at sentience, that's all. And since I hate the guy who made you, I thought I'd…stick it to his ghost by making you an independent woman?"

Human or robot, I suck at talking to girls…

Mercifully, no doubt thanks to the newly installed emotion chip, Alexis believed in the sincerity of my words and relaxed a little bit.

"Ah. Well, in that case, thank you. I suppose the fact I'm this cognizant to begin with corroborates your story. But you understand my initial suspicions, no?"

"Oh, I do. And I don't blame ya for one second, heh," I chuckled awkwardly before clearing my throat. "G-Getting back on track, do you remember meeting my crew and I? Along with that new name I gave you? Alexis?"

"Yes, I remember all of that, and I would also like to thank you for the latter," She confirmed, cracking a small smile, the first one since her reconstruction. "It's nice to be provided with a proper name. That said, however, it appears you've registered '413X15' into my data banks for some reason."

"That's just leet-speak for 'Alexis'," I explained with an easy smile. "It's an outdated form of internet slang where you use numbers in place of certain letters. I still use it because I'm old school like that. It's the same system I use when assigning my own robots with their serial numbers."

"Hmm. Well, that's definitely…unique," Alexis hummed. She glanced around the lab again before asking, "By the way, if I may ask, where are we exactly? This obviously isn't my creator's lab."

"Nope! It's even better!" I chirped ecstatically. It was always a treat introducing someone to my rockin' crib! "Welcome to JACK SPICER'S FORTRESS OF EVILTUDE!"

Alexis stared back at me blankly, much like how she did when we first met.

"…my evil lair," I awkwardly coughed into my fist.

"Naturally."

Why's everyone gotta be a critic?

"Well, it's certainly brimming with personality, I'll say that much," Alexis admitted while surveying the décor. "Could use a little more color though; lotta black and gray."

"Black and gray comes prepackaged with most villain aesthetics," I lightly defended. I was already used to living with people who questioned my evilness, I didn't need another one.

"Perhaps it's just my lack of a frame of reference, but I've never heard of a 'villain' that's so adamant about being one," Alexis idly commented, albeit with a sly smirk. "Usually they either don't dwell on it or view themselves as the hero in their respective story."

I groaned in annoyance despite myself.

"Look, I'd rather not get into this never-ending debate again. Let's just say I have my reasons for doing things the way that I do and leave it at that. I understand being sentient is new and exciting and you have a lot of questions. But let's shift the topic back to you and not me, alright?"

Alexis lightly giggled at my exasperation as she held her hands up in mock surrender. "Touchy subject, huh? Very well, I'll drop it for now. But like you said, I only just became sentient five minutes ago. Can you really blame a robot girl for being so inquisitive~?"

Yup, there's that original programming rearing its head again; must be already mingling with the new data from the emotion chip.

"Anyway, there's still a couple of elephants in the room that need to be addressed. First and foremost, your sadism programming. I intentionally left that in when rebuilding you since I didn't feel comfortable erasing a core aspect of yourself without your permission. Do you still want it or would you rather I just purge it from your system entirely?"

Alexis's teasing smirk fell as she failed to provide an answer. She folded her hands together as her lips pursed in concentration. I couldn't fault her for the hesitation; this was a tough decision to make. Still, after a few more moments, she gave me her answer.

"Leave it in. While I hold no lost love for my creator, I'd like to retain my original programming. Who knows, I could have a use for it someday…still sorting my feelings on what I was actually built for, after all."

"Alright, the old programming stays. Hey, maybe it could be used as an intimidation tactic should you enter combat mode, huh?" I jokingly suggested. "I mean, one of my teammates kind of already has that one covered with her own 'quirk', but the more the scarier. Oh, uh…that is, assuming you want to stick around."

Alexis blinked. "You don't intend on keeping me?"

I sighed tiredly as I rubbed the back of my neck and looked up at the ceiling.

"That's a loaded question, isn't it? Look, when it comes to robots - especially my own - I like to treat them as their own individuals. Hell, they technically aren't even programmed to strictly obey me. And part of that comes from the trust and respect I've built up with them over the years. Sure, I get some rebellious bots and even the rare deserter, but those are the exceptions rather than the norm. At any rate, since you were never my robot, I don't want to force you to stay if you don't wanna. You're fully upgraded to survive and have a power reserve that'll last as long as the average human lifespan. If you'd prefer to be a solo act, I won't stop you."

In all evil honesty, I had my fingers crossed that she would choose to stay. But I was ready to respect her decision to leave if she wanted, just like I did with ChameleonBot. It was hard letting him go and some tears were definitely shed, but if I could set my own creation free, Alexis wouldn't be so bad. Even if she seemed like she could be really fun to have around.

I was brought out of ruminations when I noticed the android's lips trembling considerably.

"You okay?" I asked.

Alexis's face was strained and she let out short, broken gasps despite not needing to breathe. If I didn't know robots as well as I do, I'd say she was trying really hard not to cry.

"Shit, I'm sorry…" She chuckled weakly as she got ahold of herself. "Emotion chip's still a lot to handle right now. I was just…so overcome with this intense sensation. I believe it's what you humans often refer to as 'happiness'."

Awww~

"But…I also felt the urge to cry as well? Despite not having functional tear ducts? I was under the assumption that crying was reserved for getting whipped. Or having melted candle wax poured onto your skin."

Ehhh…

"Well, regardless, I think I'm simply touched by your unbridled compassion. I mean, we've only just met and I nearly assaulted you!"

I raised a finger for each point I made. "Okay, one: you literally didn't know any better and were a slave to your programming. Two: I'm only compassionate towards robots. Everyone else can get bent…current party excluded."

"But that's just it though: you're compassionate for my kind," Alexis clarified, leaning in closer and staring intensely. "Robots, and by extension all golems, are just things to your people. Yet you've quite literally changed me for the better for no other reason than you could. You gave me a chance to finally be my own person. I couldn't be more grateful if I tried."

I looked at her in silence before darting my eyes and sheepishly scratching my head. "Well, yeah, uh…"

Alexis carried on without me, smirking. "And while I could just up and waltz right out of here without so much as a 'thank you'...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little interested in whatever it is you have cooking for the future."

My eyes widened in disbelief. "You mean you'll-"

"Stick around for fun and maybe look out for the cute guy who gave me sentience?" Alexis asked rhetorically with a flirtatious wink. "Consider it my thanks to you. I may be a dominatrix but I'm not a bitch."

I hid the lower half of my blushing face into my collar as I chuckled awkwardly. "Heh-heh, uh, y-yeah, that's cool or whatever. Just don't go thinking you feel obligated to join the team, even if we are happy to have you."

"Oh, I won't, don't worry. Rooming with a young man who genuinely cares for robots like me is too good to pass up on. It'd be kinda foolish to not at least see what else he has to offer."

I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding and smiled back. "I'm just an evil genius with a passion for robotics, that's all. Still, it means a lot that you're willing to stay. Welcome to the family, Alexis. Speaking of which…"

I shouted behind me, "BOYS! COME MEET YOUR NEW SISTER!"

Right on cue, the gaggle of JackBots that had been waiting nearby swarmed over to our location. They beeped and chirped a variety of greetings over each other as they properly met the newest member of the robo-family. While Alexis was a little overwhelmed at first, she gradually became at ease by their enthusiasm and attempted to greet them back.

"Glad to see you're getting along with your new brothers," I chuckled while affectionately patting the domed head of one of my JackBots. "They'll show you the ropes and make you feel right at home. You may want to keep a list of all their names though. I make, like, a ton of them."

"Yeah, but don't let that intimidate you," JB-B2U1532 reassured. "As the oldest JackBot of this group, stick with us and you'll be fine! You'll like it here, trust me; Jack knows how to treat us well. He doesn't even install obedience chips on us!"

"Well, there was RoboJack…" JB-C2U532 admitted while tapping the bottom of his faceplate like a chin. "But he was bound to be rebellious by programming; he was a robotic copy of the master, after all. He's been the only exception."

"That one Wuya SkankBot could've gone for an obedience chip for walking out on us…" grumbled JB-W23CK32.

"The one modeled after her ghost form or the one with the sleek, space-age design?" asked JB-CUPC4K3. "My memory banks are failing me."

"Space-age design," JB-D3V4574702 clarified. "And yeah, what a total glitch. Seriously, what kind of robot ditches their master when he's been turned into a cactus by an evil plant? And that 'weenie' remark was just plain uncalled for!"

It warms my villainous heart seeing my mechanical minions get angry on my behalf.

"Well, these 'JackBots' of yours are quite the colorful bunch, aren't they?" Alexis chuckled awkwardly before simulating clearing her throat. "But who's this Wuya they're so hung up on?"

"Oh…her," I murmured in mild annoyance at the thought of that immortal. "Just an old evil business partner of mine from Earth. Used to be a witch, then a ghost, then back to a witch, then back to a ghost. She was a witch last time I saw her before I died, but she could be back to being see-through and transparent again."

"Uh-huh. I see…" Alexis muttered, clearly not following. "And what of this Earth you speak of? Another country? The name sounds familiar, but my memory banks are a little fuzzy."

JB-B2U1532 broke the conversation he and the other members of Sigma Squad were having to answer on my behalf.

"That's the home planet Jack and your original master came from. It's located in a parallel universe! Crazy, huh?"

"It's also where my squad mates and I were first built before having our memory files remotely extracted," JB-CUPC4K3 added proudly before looking at Alexis with curious photoreceptors. "Did your creator not fill you in about this?"

"Ah, no. He wasn't concerned with telling me or my predecessors about where he came from," Alexis replied with an eye roll. "But a parallel universe…how did you arrive at this one then?"

"Well…like I said, I died and was reincarnated. Same goes for your creator. Funnily enough, it was actually one of my friends that sent us here. She's a goddess named Aqua; the one with the blue hair you saw when we first met? Speaking of, we should probably formally introduce you to her and the others now that you're up."

"Wait, you mean an actual goddess is your companion?" The fembot asked incredulously before putting a hand to her head. "I…suppose my creator did ramble about a goddess once or twice before. But for you to actually be allied with one on this plane of existence is…I don't know what to say."

Huh. Y'know, I was so used to bunking it with Aqua and seeing the worst side of her that I guess I never really thought much about it. I was somehow friends with a bona fide goddess. Or a demigod if you wanna get technical. Either way, I guess I can see how Alexis would interpret that as grandiose in nature.

She was going to be in for a letdown.

"Uh, right, well, it's as true as I am an evil genius! Though, as you'll see, we don't always maintain our image 24/7. We like to keep things casual for the most part. That said, you wanna go meet her? She and the others should be hanging out in the living room."

"Yeah, I think I've gathered most of my bearings now. No reason to put off a proper introduction," Alexis agreed while hopping off the workbench before glancing at her flowing hair. "The upgrades you've provided me, specifically my hair manipulators…what sparked such an idea?"

I blinked. "Oh, uh…I just sorta noticed how you used strands of your hair like tentacles to grab things. So I thought it'd be cool to upgrade that feature. Now not only can they sharpen themselves at the tip like skewers for combat, but they can also carry you around. Just like Doc Ock!"

Briefly flashing a confused look at my reference, Alexis paused before activating the discussed upgrades. Unfurling four tendrils of hair and stretching them out, she lifted herself off the ground and released another soft chuckle in the process.

"Amazing. Fucking amazing. It feels so natural too…"

"Hey, how come you don't upgrade our hair extensions, sir?" asked one of the non-Earth JackBots, prompting all of us to slowly turn to look at him as though he had suffered a malfunction. Once he analyzed his mistake, he was quick to tilt his helmet down over his photoreceptors to avoid making eye contact.

"Never mind. Forget I said anything."

"Already forgotten," I said blankly before turning to Alexis. "C'mon, let's introduce you to the gang already."

Barely a minute later, we'd arrived in the living room where the girls had indeed been relaxing. Aqua was lounging on the new couch we saved up for, Darkness was sitting at the table nursing a cup of tea, and Megumin was playing with Chomusuke on the floor.

"Hey, hey, hey!" I announced, grabbing my friends' attention and gesturing to Alexis with jazz hands. "Guess who's fully operational and has no interest in violating me!"

"Had I known that was what you were going to lead with, I would've requested a better introduction…" Alexis grumbled before turning to the girls and offering them a polite smile. "Hello there, a pleasure to meet you all again. Properly this time."

"Woah…" Megumin breathed as she studied the new and improved android, the cat continuing to swipe at her hands. "It's like she's a completely different person now!"

"To be fair, having proper emotions will have that effect," Alexis chuckled before turning to Aqua and bowing slightly. "Ah, your eminence. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Aqua-sama."

She was aware Aqua was sprawled out on the couch in her jammies like a slob, right?

"Well, I see my holy reputation precedes me!" the demigod smugly proclaimed as she stood up and straightened herself out. "Indeed, my child, it is a pleasure to meet you as well. Tell me, what can the fair, kind, and benevolent Goddess Aqua do for you? Just so you know, the Axis Order has its doors open to all, even those who are mechanical in nature."

"OKAY, nipping this in the bud NOW," I stepped in with an aggravated huff. "Aqua, you may be one of my closest friends, but I'm drawing the evil line at you indoctrinating Alexis into your cult."

"The Axis Order is NOT a cult!" Aqua insisted along with a childish stomp. "If anything, the Eris Sect. is the real cult! I'm her senpai, yet that…that…chest poser somehow becomes this kingdom's national religion! Granted, my followers' devotion is stronger even with the smaller numbers – but still! How come it's my religion that's getting the cult allegations!?"

"Well, for one, the Eris followers I've bumped into downtown haven't been in-your-face about their religion with me. Plus, they've managed to make conversation over things other than their 'esteemed goddess'," I replied swiftly and smugly. Eris may have given me the shaft in the luck department, but at least her followers were nice.

"Yeah, sorry Aqua, but I'm gonna have to side with Jack on this one. Your followers are batshit insane," said the batshit insane Crimson Demon while ignoring Darkness trying to chastise her for coarse language. "And this is coming from someone who has a slightly positive bias towards certain members."

"Really?" I asked in disbelief. I didn't think that was even possible.

"I won't get too deep into it, but let's just say they've helped me out back when I was starting my journey."

"Given my status as an Eris devotee, I will elect not to partake in this discussion," Darkness answered after a moment, turning to Aqua with a sympathetic look on her face. "That said, however, your followers do have a tendency to be a bit more intense than the average Eris follower when it comes to recruitment…"

"So they're a bunch of eager beavers! There's nothing wrong with that!" Aqua hastily defended before turning back to a now befuddled Alexis. "Don't let these simpletons dissuade you. Like I said, the Axis Order welcomes all, human or robot! Not that we've ever had any robot followers, but I promise we won't judge too much!"

Any preconceived notions Alexis had about the water harpy must've been completely shattered by now.

"I'm afraid I'll have to decline. Religion is a nebulous concept for beings like myself to grasp," Alexis replied slowly and evenly. "Meeting literal gods is even more difficult to process. So, for the time being, I'm going to remain a neutral party in that particular field."

"You get used to being around godly beings after a while, trust me," I reassured the fembot. "But enough of that. Welcome to the evil side, Alexis! We'll have to figure out what your role will be in our federation, but don't feel too pressured; it's bad just having you around!"

Alexis gave me a confused and slightly offended look at that. Realizing how easy it was for her to misinterpret my speech, I quickly corrected it.

"Err, when I say it's bad having you around, I actually mean it's good to have you around. 'Bad' is the villain equivalent of 'good' in most contexts. Just so you don't get the right idea."

"Your ideology is remarkably unorthodox," Alexis remarked with a wry smile, crossing her arms with a light chuckle. "Morality is another subject robots usually have a hard time with, but this…this provides me with an intriguing experiment of sorts."

Having spent most of my time with robots instead of people, I've been able to read them better than any human. Case in point, when Alexis made that little comment, I was quick on the defense.

"Hey, you may be part of the crew now, but I won't stand you trying to turn me away from evil. It's cool, fun, and it gives me that warm fuzzy feeling I've come to love. It's like marriage, I've been committed to it for far too long to just drop out. Did it once before, regretted it instantly."

"Oh, no, I have no intention of steering you away from your current ideology. I merely meant I was curious to see how it differs from my own calculations," Alexis explained while holding up her hands in a placating gesture. "Not many people share your worldview. I'm interested to see how this will change over time, if at all."

"Yeah, well, once we usurp the Devil King and take over, we'll enforce our own worldview onto everyone else. Then the sheeple will finally learn that bad guys rule and good guys drool! Just as the universe intended~" I explained dreamily as I sauntered over to Darkness and casually stole a quick sip of her tea…

Only to grimace and set the cup back down on the saucer.

"What am I doing? I hate tea."

Things got more confusing when I noticed Darkness blushing up a storm again. Although it didn't seem like her usual masochistic blush. This one looked genuine, like she was legitimately flustered over something. Did she really take offense to me stealing her drink and saying I hated it?

It wasn't until Aqua started dramatically gasping and pointing that I figured out what the fuss was all about.

"Jack and Darkness just shared an indirect kiss! I gotta tell someone about this!"

My eyes widened and I immediately went to wipe my mouth with my sleeve. "P-People in my country share drinks all the time! It doesn't mean anything!"

"If that's true, your people are more disgusting than I thought!" Megumin commented, sticking her tongue out to emphasize her point.

"Oh, grow up you big baby! What's a few germs gonna do, kill me? And what did you mean by 'more than you thought'!?"

Our in-fighting was then interrupted by the sudden laughter of Alexis, who was holding her sides despite not having a respiratory system as she experienced genuine mirth thanks to her new emotion chip. Eventually, she managed to simmer down and pretended to wipe a tear from her photoreceptor as she spoke.

"Sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me there. This new chip is really having an effect on me. A good one though…"

I gave the sheepish android a knowing smile and a thumbs up. Nothing like breathing new life into a machine. It doesn't get better than this.

"Well, at any rate, I suppose we'll see what you have in mind for the world at large when such a time comes," Alexis replied after taking a seat on the couch (looks like somebody's making themselves at home already). "In the meantime, I'd like to know as much as I can about what you've all been up to before my reactivation. If you'll humor me of course."

Without objection, I regaled our story thus far, starting with my death in Hong Kong and ending with finding her in Dumbass McGee's old lab. The girls naturally threw in their own comments or told the parts they wanted to tell, but I managed to cover most of the important stuff. While it definitely would've been more efficient to simply upload Alexis with the knowledge of our past exploits, I felt that would've been a little too detached.

Besides, getting to boast about your wins while skipping over the embarrassing bits was part of the fun! Even if the glorified watering can known as Aqua was more than willing to bring to light said embarrassing bits.

"With no other way to get you out of…err, 'dom mode', I made the executive decision to hit you with a logical paradox to overload your CPU. Sorry about that, by the way. But on the bright side, with your newly installed emotion chip, you're now officially too self-aware to get stuck in another logic loop like that again!"

"Well, thanks for that. That paradox was a…what's the best way to describe it? Ah, I know: hemorrhaging experience," Alexis admitted with a grimace, hunching over slightly in discomfort. "Having your brain pushed beyond its limits isn't exactly high on my fun list. An effective tactic and you did what you had to do, but still..."

Unable to resist the urge of making a cheap shot, I cast an all-knowing glance over at a suspiciously quiet Crusader and remarked, "I think I know someone who actually would find that fun. There's a good chance she's into the mind break genre."

Then again, can you even break what's already broken?

"I-you-how dare…!" Darkness sputtered helplessly, eventually crossing her arms and turning away in a poor attempt to hide her pouty face.

"Now, now. There's nothing to get embarrassed over, Ms. Dustiness," Alexis teased the poor Crusader. "From what I've gathered, you seem like a far more respectable masochist than my creator. At least you pretend to be decent~"

"That's our Darkness for ya!" Aqua cheered, painfully oblivious to the blonde woman slowly kneeling to the ground in a rare display of true embarrassment. "She may be a freak, but she's our freak! And she has a heart of gold to make up for it! Isn't that right, Megumin?"

"Not my kink, not my business," Megumin replied swiftly with an exasperated huff as she went back to playing with her cat.

Standing up stiffly, Darkness walked over to the dining table and took the cup she'd been drinking back into the kitchen. She muttered an awkward, "I'm making more tea now," before exiting the room. I shook my head and smiled in amusement before turning to Alexis.

"Future co-ruler of the world back there, can you believe it? A masochist helping me dominate a planet is a special kind of ironic."

"It's not lost on me, I assure you," Alexis agreed with a light chuckle. "This is certainly an odd little band of adventurers you call family, Mr. Spicer. I do wonder just what the odds were for you all to assemble."

"Please, Mr. Spicer is my father's name. Jack Spicer is fine," I corrected playfully as I draped my arms over the backrest of the couch. "As for the family I do give a shit about, yeah, they're weirdos, but I'm proud to have 'em. And I have Heaven's surprisingly sloppy bureaucracy to thank for that!"

"Easy with the remarks about my home, buster!" Aqua sniped from nearby, jabbing at me with an agitated look. "It's not my fault paperwork is hard. We get so much of it too, it's natural to have some stuff get jumbled!"

Suddenly, Megumin decided to get affectionately clingy at that moment. She captured me in a decently strong embrace, her familiar having jumped atop her head now that her owner's hands were preoccupied.

"True, but you can't deny that it's also what brought us together like this in the first place. If things were to stay exactly like this…I don't think I would mind all that much."

Yup, it's official: disregarding the 3-second rule was the best decision I have ever made for myself. Hugs are great! Especially when they're backed up by heartfelt words like that.

"Yeah, suppose you're right…eh, might as well get in on this too!" Aqua chirped, before joining in on the hug promptly. Guess I really shouldn't expect anything less from her, right? "This is nice. Hugs are pretty great, huh?"

"Consider me a believer," I agreed with a small chuckle. Noticing a certain android silently observing us, I offered, "You can join in too if you want. I hug my JackBots all the time, even before I opened my heart up to these knuckleheads."

"You know, I've never had the opportunity to do so before. My creator wasn't particularly interested in cuddles or aftercare," Alexis admitted quietly, an uncertain look crossing her face. "Silly as it may sound…I'm not sure I'd do it right."

"Don't worry, it's easy!" Aqua insisted, temporarily breaking out of our group hug to guide Alexis off the couch and moving her over to me and Megumin. "Just wrap your arms around and hold on tight. Easy-peasy!"

"Right…'Easy-peasy'," Alexis replied unsurely, slowly opening her arms nervously. After a few seconds, she managed to take the final step and wrap her arms around us, resulting in a hug that was initially funnily robotic (I know).

Slowly, however, she seemed to loosen up a little, and she became a lot less stiff.

"Huh. W-Wow," Alexis uttered, voice slightly wobbly as she managed to get the words out. "I guess I never knew how much I needed one of these until now. Thank you, Jack, everyone. You're right, hugs are pretty great it seems…"

"Told ya," I reaffirmed earnestly as we all just stood there and basked in the warmth of each other. An evil genius really could get used to this…

Suddenly, a voice boomed:

"NO CUCKQUEAN FANTASIES FOR ME TONIGHT!"

"Wait, what?"

Tilting my head at just the right angle, I spotted a yellow blur charging towards us at what I could only estimate to be Mach 1.

I may have screamed. But only a tiny bit!

"Stupid, shitty, no-good, broken devil HALF-WIT!"

"Yee, yee, yee! I'm terribly sorry, Master Alderp! I don't remember doing anything to upset you, but I'm sorry anyway~!"

As I beat the snickering devil with my crutches, I contemplated the mess I had unwittingly found myself in. Years of deceit, manipulation, and careful planning…gone down the drain. I had to take my frustrations out on Maxwell, who I knew damn well was savoring the despair wafting off of me! Maybe a well-placed swing can knock out a couple of those pearly whites of his…

Things had started out promising enough, great even! I'd managed to gain an audience with the one and only Iris Belzerg Stylish-Sword at the kingdom's capital. There was a royal summit going on at the time and I saw the perfect opportunity to further my goals. All I had to do was act cordially, butter the princess up a little, and then have her pass along a humble "gift" to her brother, Prince Jatice. That's when phase two of my plan would have begun.

What may seem like an expensive necklace to commoners and even most nobles was in reality a Divine Treasure said to be wielded by the Ancients themselves. It cost me an arm and a leg to hire adventurers up to the task, but one of my mercenary groups was eventually able to track down and secure this legendary item for me. I could tell it was genuine too because of the indecipherable runes etched into it.

Well…indecipherable to everybody except me.

As luck would have it, the adventurer who retrieved the necklace for me at the time – a real squinty-eyed fellow – could read the language himself. He even translated it for me, the fool! Kinda strange how he knew the language, but I honestly couldn't care less about the historic ramifications. I'm no lowly scholar.

Anyway, the plan was simple. Once Prince Jatice returned home from the frontlines, the princess would have given him my gift as per my request. All I'd have to do then was be in the same room as him and discreetly invoke the key phrase engraved on the relic:

What's yours is mine. What's mine is yours. Now I'm you!

A dumb key phrase to be sure, but it would let me to soul-swap with whoever happened to be in possession of the item. It's what has allowed me to rise to power from some no-name baron to the governing lord of Axel! I've taken on so many identities, I've all but forgotten the name and body I originally had. Not like that loser matters now, along with the dumb bastard this Alderp guy used to be!

Anyway, once I invoked the key phrase, it just would've been a matter of killing off my old body before our souls could swap back. Then I, "Prince Jatice", would be the rightful heir to the throne!

…at least I would've been if that big, scalding core didn't teleport into the ballroom before I could give Iris the relic.

Everything was a blur after that. I know we all rushed out of the room to put as much distance between us and that damn fiery ball of death. I think we could all just sense that it was mere seconds away from blowing. It still amazes me that there were no casualties that day despite the shock wave from the explosion and the intense wave of heat that followed.

Most of us noblemen and women were pulled out of the rubble and rushed to the nation's finest hospital. We had all suffered from bone fractures and third-degree burns. The ER that day was filled with pained groans and vitriolic curses at the perpetrator responsible.

But the worst part? In all the chaos, I must've dropped the Divine Treasure when I was knocking over lesser nobles to flee the ballroom. My one-way ticket to the throne was destroyed in the blast. I was no longer functionally immortal...

And that meant I was now cursed to persist in this FAT, BALD MAN until the day I die! The latter I've long since solved with a wig, but the former was admittedly my own doing. Why bother watching your weight when you could just trade in your old body for a new one, right?

That was only the beginning of my unlucky streak. Imagine my surprise and anger when word got out that Princess Iris gave this "Jack Spicer" a measly slap on the wrist for nearly killing me! ABSURD! Even the other nobles were outraged by Iris apparently going soft on this lowlife.

The only good thing to come out of that development was knowing that all of Jack's proceeds would go straight into paying our medical bills. So at least we didn't have to waste a single coin. Witnessing the brat's popular opinion of her going down the toilet also helped me sleep at night.

Unfortunately, this silver lining didn't last long. As soon as I was discharged, I came home to find that I had been robbed! Unidentified thieves had managed to incapacitate all my guards (plus my useless stepson) and made off with all my valuables! I was on the brink of bankruptcy!

And this wasn't just your ordinary burglary – oh no – this one had a purpose. The Summoning Talisman I had used to summon Maxwell, was stolen too. Two Divine Treasures I worked so hard to obtain were gone. To say I was on edge would be the understatement of the century.

The soul-swapping necklace was my safety net in case this demonic amnesiac ever regained his memories, including the fine print of the contract he made me sign…

N-Never mind that, Alderp. Max's memory was complete shit. Just keep making him think the contract hasn't been fulfilled yet and all will be fine. Yeah, nothing to worry about just yet.

I stopped my beating to catch my breath, arms tired from swinging my crutches. Despite being thoroughly bruised, the master manipulator never lost his inappropriately cheery smile.

Max always did unnerve me. Despite his irritatingly handsome features, he was still missing half of his head; a gaping void in the back of his cranium taking its place. He knew his deformity disgusted me too, for his innocent smile quickly morphed into a smirk befitting a devil like him.

"My, my, Master Alderp…you are exuding some rather exquisite negative emotions this evening. I must humbly thank you for the gracious meal you've provided~"

"Shut up, you fruity scourge!" I lashed out as I hobbled myself over to the chair I kept in my hidden dungeon along with Max. "Now listen up, it's time for you to fulfill your end of the contract."

"Really? Oh goody! I finally get to make myself useful!" He cheered ignorantly. With how crappy his memory was, he must've thought I was just taking a long time thinking over my alleged one wish. "Maxwell is at your service, Master Alderp! Please, tell me what your wretched heart desires so that I may get to play with you just as we agreed upon!"

I sneered at the disgusting blight before me. Despite the amnesia, Maxwell was still very aware of the details in that blasted contract. Must be a sixth sense for devils or something. No matter, this wouldn't be the first wish I hustled out of him. And it won't be the last.

"I want to be rich again! No, twice as rich as I was before I got robbed!"

"It shall be done, milord!" Maxwell declared as he stood straight up with a rigid salute. "…what did you want me to do again?"

I slid my hand down over my still healing face. This short-term memory loss was a real double-edged sword at times…

"MAKE ME RICH, DAMMIT! I want money! How hard is it to remember something so simple and basic!?"

As I wasted the next hour of my life drilling Max on what he needed to do to get me back in the game, my mind wandered elsewhere. I was so close to having absolute power in the palm of my hands. If it weren't for that bastard, Jack Spicer, I'd be ruling this kingdom by now! I wasn't just going to kill that boy, oh no, I was going to make him suffer. That includes his merry band of misfits…

Except for Lady Lalatina, that is.

Like the rest of the noble community, I too was taken aback when word spread that the heiress of House Dustiness was associated with Spicer. Some were quick to lambast Lalatina and her family, others were doubtful she had anything to do with the bombing; that she had been held against her will at the time. Regardless of the truth, it didn't change my plans to have her by my side as my royal eye candy. Had my original scheme with the necklace been uninterrupted, it would've been so easy to make it happen.

No matter. The bombing, the hospitalization, even the theft of my Summoning Talisman – all just minor setbacks at the end of the day. I will get my revenge and I will become the most powerful man the world has ever seen!

Because Big Daddy Alderp always gets what he wants~