"Man, that had to be our weirdest adventure yet!" I stated with a satisfied sigh as my team and I walked home. "Let's never speak of it again or address it in any capacity."

Megumin gave me a befuddled look of some kind from atop Darkness's back. "When you say it like that, it kinda makes me want to talk about it more. But sure, whatever you say I guess. Have I ever told you how weird you can be sometimes?"

"It's Jack, when is he ever not weird?" Aqua commented, stunning me as I suddenly found myself in the middle of a diss-fest. "Even when it's not his usual brand of evil mumbo-jumbo, he just does and says whatever he wants without a filter; an oddball at his core."

"The irony of that statement is palpable. Luckily, I am far too tired to contest it," Darkness huffed with a small laugh, still in good spirits as usual after a successful mission (or failed mission for that matter). "He may have his quirks, but it's not as if any of us are conventionally 'normal' either."

"Thank you, Darkness!" I stressed for the two hypocrites as I placed a hand on the blonde's shoulder pauldron. "At least some people around here respect me for who I am. Evil masters are so underappreciated these days..."

"Oh, I am working up to a proper counter to that, I assure you. But for now you're in the clear," Darkness quipped, actually laughing at the offended look on my face. I noticed she'd been getting ever so slightly flippant with me lately. I was kind of hoping that was her inner evil finally starting to manifest, but I doubt it. A mad scientist can dream though.

"Oh yeah, nearly forgot: being your friend still doesn't exempt me from receiving flak…" I grumbled with my arms crossed, though a part of me felt strangely giddy about it from some reason. Hope Dark's masochism wasn't starting to rub off on me…don't take that out of context.

"C'mon, we're not that bad! What's a little ribbing between friends?" Aqua snorted, turning to face me and offering a bright smile. "All it means is that we care about each other. No reason not to poke fun at the people you trust the most!"

Megumin, struggling to restrain a smarmy grin, suggested, "Either that or we're just assholes who don't want to admit it to ourselves~"

Aqua looked like she wanted to refute her, but faltered for a moment before shrugging in defeat. Fine by me, really. That outlook on things at least acknowledges me as an asshole. Jack Spicer for the world's biggest asshole, baby!

That...could be taken in a much different way. Might have to workshop the title.

As we got closer to the mansion, we noticed a few of the GuardBots outside waiting for us. This wasn't too odd since a handful of them patrol the premises most hours of the day, even when we're out and about. Still, given how tight the assembly was, it seemed like they might be discussing something.

"Hey guys, we're home!" I declared as we got closer, taking note of how stiff they got upon processing our arrival (even by robot standards). "What's wrong? Sigma Squad didn't throw another party while I was away, did they?"

"I don't recall your robots throwing any parties in the past," Megumin chimed from Dark's back.

"It was something they did infrequently back home. Still waiting it to happen again, I know they can't resist," I replied lazily before focusing my attention to the frontmost GuardBot. "You got that look on your faceplate like you messed up. Spill."

The bot fiddled with his claws nervously as it explained, "Well, master, uh…we were conducting our usual patrols when we spotted what appeared to be an intruder attempting an unauthorized entry at the front door and…well…"

Before I could motion him to go on, a hoarse, elderly voice suddenly cried out from the side of the house.

"For the love of Eris – GET THESE VILE THINGS OFF ME!"

Two more GuardBots stepped (or hovered) out into the front lawn while restraining a sharply dressed old man with their handcuff attachments. He looked to be in his 50's with neatly combed gray hair and a matching moustache. I turned back to my minions, far from impressed with their sloppiness.

"GUYS! How could you let someone get close enough to breach the perimeter!? We have a rotation system for a reason!"

"JACK!" A booming voice shouted, followed by a sudden throbbing pain on my noggin. I cried and covered the slowly forming bump as I spun around to find a very unhappy Darkness looming over me like a colossus. The Crimson Demon she was previously carrying on her back was apparently disregarded in the ensuing chaos. "Release him or I shall do it myself. Am I understood, mister?"

"GAH! Alright, alright, understood! GuardBots: stand down!" I sputtered, shocked to see Darkness get into such a frenzy. Granted, this specific situation had never come up before, but I still wasn't expecting a violent reaction like that.

The two GuardBots that had the man in cuffs automatically released the latches, to which he scurried away from them and to Darkness.

"Good heavens! The last thing I expected was to get jumped by flying, talking golems!" The butler-looking geezer breathed, putting his hands to his knees as he tried to collect himself. "I'm getting far too old for this kind of balderdash…"

"Hagan, I am so sorry about this! I expected the GuardBots to show proper manners, not detain you!" Darkness apologized profusely, much to the surprise of both myself and the other girls. She knew this guy?

Before the old-timer could say another word, Aqua (who scooped Megumin off the ground where Dark dropped her) inserted herself into the conversation with all the grace of a wrecking ball.

"Hey Lalatina, is this guy one of your servants from home? You're a noblewoman and he looks like a butler so that must be it, Lalatina! OH – can I have him make me tea that isn't lukewarm like the tea Wiz serves, Lalatina?"

While Darkness was busy reeling from Aqua's overabundant use of the name she despised most, Hagen answered swiftly. "I am a servant, yes. My official title is Chief Butler of House Dustiness. And while I don't have a desire to remain on this accursed property longer than need be, perhaps I may provide tea another time."

"Y'know, I've become so used to mechanical servants that meeting a human one is almost surreal to me now," Megumin commented idly from Aqua's back. "But I also grew up poor, so not like I have much of a frame of reference to begin with."

"There's a scaling method when it comes to it, highs and lows. It just so happens that there's more highs when it comes to mechanical servants," I explained to the low-income mage before lightly elbowing the still catatonic Darkness. "So, uh, what's this old-timer want, huh? You could've told me we were having unexpected company."

Running a hand down her firetruck-red face, Darkness did that gesture adults do when they want all the kids around them to shut the fuck up already. "Everyone, PLEASE! I know this will be hard for you all, but may Hagan and I have a few minutes of your silence? Gods above, I can hardly hear myself think!"

Sure enough, that got her the silence she requested. The entire yard fell quiet save for the sounds of nature…

And the brave muttering from one nearby GuardBot.

"That sure wasn't very noble-like..."

"I SHALL KILL YOU!"

That aggressive, downright primal roar earned a frightened beep from the automaton as he flew inside to safety. Considering how Darkness didn't go chasing after him (merely standing in place and hunched over like an angry gorilla), I got the impression that was all bluff and bluster on her end. Didn't prevent the rest of the GuardBots from hovering away from her though.

"Uh…" Hagan started hesitantly, snapping Lalatina back to sinking reality. "Would milady prefer to go lie down first before doing anything she might regret...?"

"…n-no. I will compose myself. Sorry, I just…" Darkness cut herself off, briefly cupping her face in what could've been a late attempt to conceal her flushed cheeks. "Why have you come here, Hagan? Is Father alright?"

Hagen nervously straightened out his tie as he answered, "While the good master has been fighting a small cold recently, it's nothing to be concerned over yet. But that's not why I was sent over: I'm afraid your only real assets might be in grave danger!"

Her "only real" assets? Weirdly rude and unprompted for a butler to say to his employer's daughter...

"My only what?" Darkness uttered, clearly just as taken aback as me by that comment. "S-Surely you don't mean my...defensive capabilities, do you?"

"No, not that! I mean your status and your privilege!" Hagen stressed, now beginning to startle everyone with how brutally honest he was being. "It was bad enough this Spicer hooligan nearly framed our household for co-conspiracy, but this could go right back around to making things worse for us! Another wrong move or word from him and I'll be out of the job, and you reduced to a mere commoner! Our mistress will be left with nothing but her outrageous body - her last true asset - and be forced to become a lady of the night just to support herself! Why, Eris, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN HOUSE DUSTINESS!?"

Fuck - what Hagen was doing right now wasn't evil: it was just cruel and unusual!

The girls and I checked in on Darkness. She...was not enjoying herself. I've gotten to know a lot of her visual cues pretty well in the time I've befriended her. That was not a happy blush she was sporting, and those tears threatening to spill from her eyes were not of masochistic joy. She seemed genuinely insulted and hurt by Hagen's words.

And I was not about to let that slide.

As the Alzheimer's patient continued badmouthing my friend in a fit of anxiety, I sent a signal to the closest GuardBot with very specific instructions. Saluting, he hovered quietly behind Hagen before grabbing his feeble old man arms and yanking them back. Hard.

"EEEYOWCH!" The Chief Butler cried in pain while the GuardBot held his arms in place. "Not again! Call off these golems before they do serious damage to my body! Have mercy on this old man's bones - OW! Their claws are cutting into my skin!"

Megumin looked to Darkness over Aqua's shoulder and said, "Uh...you gonna make Jack call off his robots again or...?"

The Crusader, whose pride as a noble had been wounded, wiped away the lingering tears and took a deep breath. "Truthfully? I was this close to crushing Hagen's head with my bare hands."

That's my soon-to-be-evil girl!

"M-Milady, please!" Hagen pleaded as my GuardBot reminded him of his place. "I admit, I was completely out of line back there! It shan't happen again, promise! Tell your friend to call off his golem!"

He got tugged a little harder for that, as evident by another sharp yelp.

"Ooo, strike two, old man. I don't like it when people call my robots 'golems'," I explained with a relaxed yet evil smirk. "Strike three and I'll have them shave off your moustache next. And don't worry about being uncomfortable, my blue-haired friend has healing magic. We'll be here all day if we have to~"

"NOOO! Anything but the moustache! The maids think it adds to my silver fox charm!" Hagen confessed with tears in his eyes. Karma, bitch. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Tell your gol- err, robots to release me, PLEASE!"

"Alright, Jack, that's enough," Darkness said to me with a soft yet firm nudge on the shoulder. "In spite of everything, I'd rather not see him suffer. Let him go now."

I rolled my eyes but ordered the GuardBot to release the geezer. As soon as he did, Hagen backed further away from the machines in a panic, wincing while tending his sore arms. Aqua cast a healing spell on him (a little too quickly for my liking), and his bones magically popped back into place while the cuts from the robots' sharp fingers healed over.

"Ahhh...much better. Thank you, Archpriest," Hagen sighed in relief before composing himself and taking a letter out from his pocket. "Once again, my deepest apologies for the outburst, Lady Lalatina. I only lost my head because of this letter I was tasked to deliver to you. It was sent to Lord Ignis by a messenger of the Royal Family. It can only be of the upmost urgency!"

Darkness accepted the letter hastily, taking it from the old man's hands and practically tore it open, reading the contents of the paper to herself. Her skin went about as pale as mine, so that couldn't have mean anything good. The girls and I are standing were getting more worried by the second the longer she gawked at it.

"So, uh…what's it say?" I asked tentatively, unsure if speaking would set the woman off again.

After taking a deep breath and gaining a bit of her composure back, she explained. "It's…a message from Princess Iris."

Now that got our attention. We all stood up straight (except for Megumin obviously) and waited for Darkness to go on with bated breath.

"Apparently, she's slotted out a short period of time from her duties to host a formal apology dinner party for us. Supposedly, it is to congratulate us for our progress on the debt as well as originally planning to have Jack beheaded for his alleged act of terrorism."

"She wanted to do what now!?" I squawked.

"She only wanted you to serve your head on a platter for trying to bomb the capital," Aqua said in a "no duh" sort of manner, like I actually needed a fucking explanation! "This is a medieval fantasy world, Jack, c'mon now. Gotta keep up with the rest of us."

"It was an ACCIDENT! I was never trying to – ah, forget it! You blow up a major city one time and it's all you're ever known for…"

"Lucky…" I heard Megumin growl in a somewhat rueful tone.

"Don't start with me, Explosion freak."

"Anyway, a dinner party hosted by royals in our name sounds like fun!" Aqua mindlessly cheered, her enthusiasm spreading to Megumin but not me or Dark. "I don't see why you two look so unhappy about it though. Why such sticks-in-the-mud, huh?"

"Aside from my grudge with Iris – which yes, I am still petty about – I just can't stand these kinds of social events. My parents used to host business parties all the time back home; even forced me to attend some. They're total snob fests. Not to mention boring as hell..."

"While I cannot say I agree with your sentiments regarding Iris, I'm not a particular fan of these events myself," Darkness admitted, seemingly having calmed down significantly but still outwardly on edge. "I've been forced to attend many noble gatherings as well, and I can count on one hand the number of which I've actually enjoyed."

Wow, same boat as me, huh? Given her grievances towards corrupt nobles and how much she preaches about "responsibility", I can't say I wasn't expecting that. Guess it should've been obvious a thrill-seeking, masochistic degenerate would rather be out on the battlefield than chatting it up with some self-absorbed elitist in a stuffy dress.

…goddammit, now I'm picturing Darkness in a cute dress and it's too distracting.

"Well, if the princess is inviting all of us, then we'll be sure to spice things up on your behalf! We'll be the life of the party, the talk of the town!" Megumin encouraged, getting more and more pumped up along with Aqua. "Darkness, as your friend and ally, I promise that this will be an event that will stick with you for the rest of your life!"

Crazy as it sounds, that only made Darkness even more nervous. She looked about ready to pass out on the spot, and this time not from ecstasy.

"W-W-W-While the offer is terribly polite of you, I'm afraid I must request the opposite! I would like our attendance to be a footnote at best, which would mean best behavior, all of you!" Darkness replied swiftly, sending me in particular a warning gaze before continuing. "If this were anyone else, I might just consider sending back a white lie telling them we couldn't make it. But for Iris's sake…we need to attend."

Aqua frowned at Darkness before it morphed into a mildly irritated expression. "Hey now! Do you really think so little of us that you'd be willing to skip out if it wasn't for Iris? It's not like we would do anything there to disgrace your family name! Give us a little more credit, Lalatina."

"Yeah, we know how to behave ourselves when necessary, Lalatina," Megumin snarked back in agreement. "We're a team, we have each other's backs! All we wanted to do was make this dinner party a little more interesting for you. Whatever happened to good old fashioned comradery, hmm?"

"Aqua, Megumin, I assure you: my request isn't personal. But you all need to understand the delicacy of the situation. This will be a party full of nobles, the pinnacle of Belzerg society. Attendees are expected to act a certain way under the best circumstances. But in our case…"

Darkness trailed off for a moment, casting me yet another worried look as she continued. "The wrong word or action could present a political tidal wave, one that Iris might not be able to ignore. Many are still unsatisfied with the slap on the wrist we got for the Destroyer Incident, and if Iris changes her mind from public outcry or on her own accord…we'd be in unspeakable trouble."

My hand instinctively went to cover my throat as I quietly gulped. If this world can invent running water and a working PA system, a guillotine would be child's play to them. That letter from Iris pretty much implies the worst already. I may not come from a "noble" family in the traditional sense, but I understood how unforgiving high society was towards those deemed as undesirable.

"Alright, you made your point. Best behavior is required," I muttered while bringing my hands up in a surrender motion. However, despite my previous worries about literally losing my head, a playfully devious plan was already forming in the back of my mind. For now, though, I'd keep that little idea on lockdown. "So, what's the plan? We'll follow your lead but you need to give us something solid here."

"Well, acquiring appropriate clothing is first and foremost," Darkness explained diligently, transitioning once again into the adult mode she probably uses during noble events. "I may be able to lend one of my dresses to Aqua, though we may have to get one tailor-made for Megumin. There's also the matter of getting you a tuxedo, young man. There is no way you are attending this dinner party dressed the way you are."

"Yeah, fair enough. If we don't have any luck in town, I can just whip up a fabricator and make us all some proper formal wear," I said before noticing that old fart, Hagan, was still standing awkwardly nearby. "Uh, Dark? You mind giving your Butler in Chief the go ahead to leave already?"

"It's Chief Butler of House Dustiness, loutish young man..." Hagen grumbled. Big mistake on his part, the GuardBots acted on their own as they psyched him out by looking like they were about to make another move. Hagen took the bait as he sprinted out the front gate with surprising speed for a man his age. "I'll tell your father you said hi, milady!" He shouted on the way out.

Good riddance. His old person smell was starting to stink up my lawn.

"That might've been a bit much, Jack," Darkness sighed.

"A 'bit much'? The guy works for you yet you let him badmouth you like that?" I couldn't help but say to her as I was still pissed about that. "Does he do that all the time or something? How is he able to get away with that!? Did you or your dad even know about this?"

"No, actually. This was the first time I've ever heard Hagen speak of me in such a manner," Darkness confessed, slowly slumping her shoulders as she let the revelations sink in. "I...had no idea that was what he really thought of me. He's been like a grandfather figure since I was a little girl. I wonder who else holds similar opinions of me back home...?"

Aqua went up to pat the crestfallen Crusader on the back along with Megumin. I just stood there with my mouth moving from side to side in frustrated disappointment. This really hammered home the difference between making fun of close friends in your group and an outsider butting in trying to do the same thing. It's just rude and uncalled for. If I get to meet Dark's dad during this party, I'll be sure to rat Hagen out to him! Doubt he'll take kindly to his precious daughter being compared to a literal prostitute by his top butler.

"Forget it, we should head inside before discussing further details about the party," Darkness remarked after tightly closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Now she was putting her one her cool, stoic persona like when we first met. "I have more than enough experience with these sorts of events, so don't hesitate to ask me any questions you might have."

"Oh, I have a question!" Aqua said with a jump. "Do you think the princess and other nobles will like my milk carton sculptures or sand paintings more? I wanna know which will wow them the best!"

"What's their policy on smoke machines and theme music?" Megumin asked earnestly. "A Crimson Demon must make a good entrance for royalty, and I'd really like to try out the stuff Jack gave me for my birthday!"

Darkness's mask broke in an instant, and she ran back inside while bursting into tears. "ERIS, KILL ME NOW!"

That didn't stop Aqua and Megumin from chasing after her, still bombarding her with stupid questions. I chuckled to myself. Now that was the kind of good-natured ribbing that came from a close-knit group of friends...I think.

At any rate, I already had plans formulating in my genius evil head. Admittedly, luck was going to play a factor (something I am seriously lacking as a stat, I know), but the potential payoff this would have was too tempting to ignore. The girls will probably be a little cross with me but, as a certain fifteen-hundred-year-old spirit once taught me, sometimes it's best to keep things on a need-to-know basis.

Man, I am so evilly brilliant that I give myself goosebumps!

Well, this is probably the shortest chapter I've uploaded that isn't an intermission. Originally, this was part of a longer chapter, but considering how it jumps to a week later as they're all getting ready for the event, I felt that it would be better pacing wise if I just broke it up with this being the kick off point to another mini arc.

As a note from FUTURE SWOOD here: the chapter "A Royal Pain in the Ass" will soon be rewritten again to seem slightly more believable and less contrived as it currently stands now. Jack will still have his slap on the wrist and he and Kazuma will still have a falling out due to the latter insisting the former's a "good guy", but expect an overhaul coming soon. I'm still not satisfied with how that turned out.

Part of my reasoning at the time was that Natsume Akatsuki (Konosuba's author) kind of used contrivances himself when it came to his writing. I love the guy's work but not everything in it is tightly written imo, and there are moments where I think he could've/should've explained something a little more and not just pull something out of his ass. Even so, just because he uses contrivances sometimes doesn't mean I should use that as an excuse for my own contrivances. I thought it was okay at the time and I shouldn't have used his work as an example to validate my errors. I apologize, I'll try to do better next time.