All eyes were immediately on us the moment the doors were open.
Entering into the main foyer, a dozen or so nobles were congregated in the main hall, idly chatting amongst themselves. As we entered, however, that chatter died as every single one of them turned and stared at us with varying emotions playing out on their faces. Some seemed shocked or upset, others held a false warmth that was meant to convey friendliness while still coming off as entirely hollow. Just like the businessmen I grew up with back home.
The servants and guards who brought us in quickly went into formation by lining up beside us as Pierce cleared his throat.
"Presenting the heiress of the Kingdom's Shield, as well as her adventuring associates, the highly esteemed Lalatina Dustiness Ford! Thank you…"
Now that was the kind of welcome wagon I prefer.
Sure enough, after a few seconds, a scattered applause started up, once again holding that same air of false friendliness I've come to expect from all those business parties back home. Even though this was just the kick-off, a discreet glance around had me reassured we were doing well so far. Aqua and Megumin were both preening from the positive attention, and Darkness managed a polite wave in return while keeping her composure. So far so bad-good.
After the formal introductions were out of the way, most of the guests went back to what they were doing, with the occasional sideways glance in our direction. Before I had a chance to ask what the next step was to Darkness, a flash of green caught my eye. For a split-second, my heart dropped to my stomach. There was no way in hell Green Bean got royal favors from the princess before me, did he!? Granted, the two seemed awfully chummy in the short time they spent together looking for us when we were on the lam…
Thankfully, it turned out to not be Satou, instead some blonde girl in a green dress. She was also followed by a short, ginger boy trailing her like a lost puppy. The girl put her hands to her hips in a manner I wouldn't exactly classify as "noble-like" and beamed at us.
"Well, good evening, all of you! It's wonderful to see you again, Lalatina, but I'm not sure I've had the pleasure of meeting your friends yet!" She greeted all too pleasantly, before turning to me and the rest of the girls and curtseying. "I am Leonor, princess of the Kingdom of Brydle. My associate here is Revi, the crown Prince of Elroad. Pleasure to meet you all!"
Okay…now this girl was a puzzle. I'd expected all the guests here to either be indifferent at best. But here comes Little Miss Ray of Sunshine to try and throw me for a loop. Well, guess I better present myself then. Ugh, this was gonna suck…
"Jack Spicer, small-time Adventurer," I greeted politely with a small smile and half-bow. It hurt having to swallow my pride as a super evil genius. "Though I do plan to make the jump to Battlesmith fairly soon. Only a few more Levels to go!"
"I'm Aqua, the arch priestess of our party. Pleased to meet you as well!" Aqua chirped with a bright smile, seemingly dialing it back like she'd been instructed as she mirrored Leonor's curtsey. "And this is our precious arch mage, Megumin of the Crimson Demon Clan!"
"Crimson Demon Clan?" Revi piped up, eyebrow quirked as he eyed Megumin like a scientist examining a new subspecies. "I have never heard of such a tribe. Sounds…barbaric. But I suppose that is only to be expected of the 'Berserk' Kingdom."
"I beg your pardon?" I interjected hastily when I saw the irritation flash in Megumin's eyes, preferring to keep an explosion – magic, or otherwise – off the table for tonight. "I'm not sure I entirely understand your meaning of 'Berserk' Kingdom?"
"Oh, you must not be from around here then," Revi commented as he tried (and failed) to casually drape an arm around Leonor. Wasn't he, like, 12 or something? "This country has a reputation for being home to some of the craziest people imaginable, thus the nickname coined by kingdoms such as my own. And I'd say you fit right in what with those…hang on, are those – are those knights floating? And legless!?"
Casting a passive glance back at the bots, I had to fight back a far less polite smile as I turned back, instead cracking a small, proud grin. "Oh, these two are just my security for the evening. You'd probably use the term 'golem' to describe them, but I prefer the term 'robot'."
Leonor quickly went "Ooo!" and unceremoniously brushed past Revi as she went to admire my KnightBots, both of whom were flattered by her compliments. At least that's one member of royalty that liked my boys. She just earned herself some brownie points with me!
"Absolutely fascinating! I've never seen anything like them!" She cooed as she circled around the bots in evident elation, which was definitely another point in my corner. "How did you create them, and for what purpose? Are they just guards, or do they serve other functions?"
"In order: I made them using science, their purpose is to assist me, and while they are primarily guards they can do other stuff. Though for tonight they're mostly just meant to be eye candy, which seems to be working," I answered with a light chuckle. Even though Darkness was starting to look real nervous, seeing that Revi punk left out helped put me at ease. There's nothing like talking about droids and one-upping wannabe players!
Leonor took a break from admiring my bots to look back at Revi, eyes half-lidded and what I dare to say a sultry smirk gracing her lips. "Y'know…I am feeling rather parched right about now. Think you could run into the kitchen and fetch me a glass of wine, hon? A real gentleman should make sure a lady is never thirsty, and I'd very much appreciate the gesture. I may even give you a small reward for your efforts~"
Revi's cheeks went a fiery scarlet, and he babbled out some quick response I didn't quite catch before speed-walking off towards wherever the wine would be stored for an event like this. While a part of me considered applauding her for getting rid of the bozo, I did still feel a twinge of sympathy for him. Villainous as I may be, manipulation of the heart always made me feel hollow…
"I must say, I like your style, Your Highness," Megumin commented with a pleased smirk.
"Oh, thank you. Revi isn't so bad, but sometimes he's just so willing to serve, I find myself sending him off here and there," Leonor replied with a smug look, one which actually didn't sit quite as comfortably with me as I expected. "I mean, who would I be if I didn't take advantage of opportunities when they arose?"
I was beginning to see a little bit of Chase Young in this girl. I don't think I like Leonor anymore. Better find a way to excuse myself without coming off as rude, even if I wanted to be so much more than that to her right now.
"Well, it has been a delight talking to you again, Princess Leonor, but my father is waiting on us upstairs and I do hate to keep him waiting," Darkness interjected calmly, with a pleasant smile resting on her face. I held my expression and restrained a relieved sigh, glad to have an out at my disposal. "Perhaps we can catch up more later this evening?"
"Oh, of course! Go on, don't let me hold you hostage. Family is important after all," Leonor insisted, sassily shoeing us away with a damn smile that made me want to rub off her stupid face. "I'll talk to you later, Lalatina. Oh – and tell Ignis I hope his fever gets better!"
"Thank you, I'll gladly pass the message along. Farewell for now, Princess," Darkness replied with another polite nod, before we all started to amble away as a group. She fell into line beside me and cast me a glance, catching my eye as I noticed the subdued but present concern on her face.
"Are you alright, Jack? You seemed to stiffen up at the end, there."
"Oh, uh…y-yeah, I'm fine," I answered while keeping my face forward while we made our way up the grand staircase. "Just…I don't know, something about that Leonor chick manipulating that Revi kid's heart strings didn't sit right with me. Think it was a classic case of projection, y'know?"
"I suppose so, yes, but I can't say I approve of it either." Darkness replied, her expression softening slightly with her next words, hushed as they were. "Knowing the risk of overstepping, I must remind you that if you ever need to talk about it, or even him again, my door is open to you. You know that, right?"
"Same here," Megumin added with a small smile as she patted my shoulder. "You can always vent to any one of us if you need to, not just your bots. Adventuring parties double as support groups, so if you need support, that's what we're here for. Don't forget that."
Admittedly, a brief spike of guilt wedged itself in my chest upon their reassurances. They were good friends, the best I'd ever had…which is why I feared their potential reactions for what I planned to do, particularly Dark's.
"Yeah, I know. I'll keep it in mind, promise."
The girls nodded sympathetically, and then we all realized how awkwardly quiet things got as Darkness guided us to wherever her dad was. I felt like I should say something to break the silence, even if it was kinda random.
"…Hey, so, those two kingdoms Leonor and Revi mentioned: Brydle and Elroad. What are they like, do you know?"
"Well, Brydle is known for its powerful Dragon Knights, and by proxy, their high population of dragons. Elroad, however, is more focused on entertainment and monetary gain, and hosts a plethora of casinos. You can imagine how profitable they are." Darkness replied, tilting her head to the side slightly and cracking a small smile. "Perhaps we could take a trip there sometime. I ponder how our little party would fare in either kingdom."
I nodded, smirking a little in amusement. "Hmm…So Brydle is basically China with European dragons and Elroad fantasy Las Vegas. Cool, got it."
"Kinda funny how things like that rhyme between worlds, isn't it?" Aqua remarked with a bright smile, clearly still having a good time all things considered. "I guess there are universal constants, though. Like money…and dragons…and bubbly~!"
"It's always alcohol with you, isn't it?" Megumin said with a smirk and a light shake of her head. "Just try not to go overboard on the drinking tonight. You're already enough of a handful when sober, I doubt these nobles will know how to deal with you when you're drunk."
"Aww, is someone still salty that they found out they're a lightweight~?" Aqua dangerously teased back.
"Cork it, both of you. Remember, we're supposed to behave tonight." I interjected calmly, casting both girls a firm look. Ugh, I hated being the responsible one, but it was necessary for what was to come. "No bickering, or at least keep it to a bare minimum, will ya?"
"I must say, Jack, I commend your conduct so far. I understand this is a far cry from your usual boorish attitude, so praise where it is earned," Darkness complimented (I think?) before looking away from me and mumbling, "Though it would be remiss of me if I didn't say I find myself already missing it…"
I nearly missed a step when she said that, having to discreetly compose myself and keep my brain from short-circuiting over the compliment. It's just Dark's M side showing itself once more, I shouldn't take it so personally…even if it made my heart thump all funny like…
I cleared my throat, "Well, uh…I could say the same for you, y'know. You've been doing a bang-up job of keeping your fetish in check, and not just for this event either. So credit where it's due, even if I personally don't care what you're into behind closed doors…unless it gets in the way of questing, in which case, eh, I care a little then."
"R-right, of course. I shall keep that in mind, as always." Darkness murmured in return, face flushed slightly as she turned even further away and attempted to get a grip just as I had. And she'd been doing so well, too…maybe I shouldn't press my luck going forward.
Soon enough, Darkness had us stop in front of a guarded door, presumably her father's room or personal study (had to be one or the other). The guards stiffened when they noticed the KnightBots but she told them to relax and requested entrance for us all. There were no questions asked after that, just the way I like it. They first knocked and let the man inside know his darling daughter was here to visit before letting us inside.
"Ah, Lalatina! My darling daughter! How have you been?" He asked jovially as we entered, rising from his seat on an ornate couch nearby and walking over, smiling widely and far more genuinely than anyone downstairs. "Hopefully better than myself! This fever is the damnedest thing, it just won't leave me be."
"Greetings, Father. It's wonderful to finally see you again, though I am sorry to hear of your condition," Darkness said with a soft smile, strangely not letting go of the formal tone for some reason. "Have you been following the standard procedures for getting well? Bed rest, drinking plenty of fluids, a steady diet of cabbage soup?"
It's always cabbages with these people…
"Yes, I have had all of the above, I assure you. Your concern is greatly appreciated, but entirely unnecessary," Papa Darkness assured her, before turning his attention to the girls and I and nodding politely in greeting. "I'm far more interested in meeting your friends, you know. They certainly seem like a delightful bunch!"
"You're the one who sent us those marbled red crabs and the fancy bubbly, right? Thank you for the yummy meal!" Aqua, ever the food junkie, cheered stupidly as she proceeded to ruin my hair by ruffling it. "It actually helped us become closer as friends, believe it or not. We're practically our own little family now!"
"Quit it, you dolt! It took all morning to do my hair!"
As I tried to straighten my appearance out thanks to Aqua's meddling, I noticed the look on Darkness' father's face, and was momentarily caught off guard. The smile, the amusement even someone as socially…challenged as me could detect, it was so real. Far too often people of higher status played the game of "faking it 'till you make it" and then some, as was typical snob protocol.
But so far…this guy seemed pretty damn genuine. Normally that'd tick me off since I can't stand the goody-two shoes routine. But not this time around for whatever reason. Hope I'm not losing my edge already!
"Yes, well, it's nice to hear you all took kindly to the little house warming gift I provided. I was worried if any of you were allergic to seafood but I can sea now that wasn't the case!" He chuckled while laying down a lame dad joke (should've seen that one coming). "Allow me to introduce myself: I am Ignis Dustiness Ford, current head of the Dustiness House. But you can call me Ignis."
Eh, I prefer Papa Darkness honestly. It's got a certain ring to it.
"Pleasure to meet you, sir. My name is Jack Spicer, I'm the leader of our adventuring party," I greeted pleasantly, extending my hand to shake Ignis'. "These two lovely ladies beside me are Aqua and Megumin, our arch priestess and arch mage respectively."
"I thought as much. My daughter has told me quite a bit about you three in her letters. She seems to have taken a great liking to you all," Ignis said with a smile, which suddenly spiked my insecurities. Had Darkness been putting in a good-bad word or a bad-good word about me to him? 'Cuz knowing that chick's proclivities…
I was tempted to pry him for more details when I caught him eyeing the KnightBots with wide eyes. "Oh! Err…I assume these are those 'robots' of yours she mentioned?"
"Ah, yes. Indeed they are," I confirmed as the two bots hovered forward and bowed as best they could with their thrusters. It was a little awkward, but it didn't make them look any less impressive. "These two are a newer design I came up with, taking a bit of inspiration, mind you."
"Hmm…I do believe I see what you mean. They bear a striking semblance to my daughter's armor, even down to the same materials from the looks of it. I suppose that's why she's been requesting new shipments of adamantite as of late," Papa Darkness hummed with a cupped chin before his smile returned as he gestured to the couches. "Why don't you all have a seat? Any friend of my daughter is a friend of mine. Please, make yourselves at home."
The girls and I moved to sit like he instructed, while the bots continued to hover nearby idly. The atmosphere was more comfortable than I expected. In fact, it was only now registering in my mind that I was meeting my friend's father for the first time. Sure, it's not like Darkness was my girlfriend or anything (just a friend who happens to be a girl), but this was still kinda new territory for me.
After quietly eyeing the room for a few seconds, I already felt the pressure coming on. Guess I should say something to keep the ball rolling…
"Sooo…where's the Misses, eh? Getting dolled up for the party downstairs I imagine?"
Whatever pleasantness the atmosphere held evaporated in an instant. Suddenly, Ignis' Santa-like disposition faded and was replaced with the usual stoic expression many of the other nobles downstairs had. He cast his gaze down at his lap while I was left to wonder what it was I said.
I looked to the girls for help, but Aqua and Megumin seemed just as lost as me. It didn't help that Darkness herself was now matching her father's new downtrodden demeanor. Seriously, was it something I said?
"I'm afraid that my wife has…not been with us for quite some time now," Ignis answered quietly after a few seconds, keeping his gaze downcast and hands laced together. "She passed away when Lalatina was still very young, I'm not surprised you weren't informed. It…it isn't something we like to dwell on, I'm sure you understand."
Oh…shit.
I, uh…I-I guess I was so apathetic towards my own parents that I forgot to take into account that my views weren't universal. Fuck, I really Jacked it up this time! Backpedal – BACKPEDAL!
"I'm…I'm sorry for your loss, sir. I'm also sorry for making you and your daughter sad now. If it gives you any reassurance, my mom basically neglected me as a toddler. There, an eye for an eye, yeah?"
Is there another mouse hole I can crawl into somewhere? I don't even need the Changing Chopsticks for it this time, I'll find a way.
Surprisingly, Ignis didn't seem offended by my scatter-brained babbling. Instead, his eyebrows seemed to furrow in genuine concern and sympathy. "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, Jack. It's certainly not your fault for bringing it up, you didn't know any better. That's nothing to apologize for."
I released the breath I was holding in and thanked the man earnestly for not holding it against me. Though when I stole a quick sideways glance at Dark and the others, I frowned when I noticed they too were looking at me with concern and sympathy. Couldn't imagine why.
"Well, to offer an infinitely less depressing alternative to our current discussion point, would any of you like to hear stories about Lala's childhood?" Ignis asked, brightening slightly while his daughter's expression promptly turned to that of panic. "I imagine there's only so much she's told you, so I can't think of any good reason not to bring up the good old days!"
Oh now this should be good~
Megumin and Aqua soon turned to Darkness in unison with evil grins plastered on their faces. I followed suit since who doesn't love a good, evil grin? Plus, this could make for great teasing material that will actually embarrass her instead of turn her on. The three of us quickly looked back to Papa Darkness and nodded eagerly, much to Lala's utter dismay.
The next half hour was honestly kinda awesome, with Papa Darkness telling us all about his darling daughter when she was young. It was pretty funny to hear how Dark hadn't always been the prim and perfect noble she liked to make herself out to be. It also highlighted just how her "habits" got so bad, since it sounded like she was pampered even when she did foolish or dangerous things.
"Father…?" Darkness mumbled through her hands, having buried her beet-red face in them throughout most of the story session. "I love and respect you immensely, but if you do not stop this soon, I shall slap you silly again..."
She's done that before?
"Oh, come now, darling! It's all in good fun, I promise you!" Ignis insisted with a bright smile, one that seemed to coax a tiny grin out of his mortified daughter as he continued to chuckle. "You were such a little rascal when you were younger, it'd be a crime not to share them to the world!"
"Um, excuse me? Mr. Ignis, sir? I have a burning question," Aqua asked with her hand raised as if she were attending school or something. "Who picked out Lalatina's name, you or your wife? It's such a cute name and I wanna make sure I give credit to the right parent!"
"Ah, that one is my burden to bear. I thought Lalatina was an immensely adorable name for our adorable little girl. Though I may have neglected to take into account that she would grow up along with it," Ignis admitted with another low chuckle. "My wife, Eris bless her, did hold reservations, but allowed me to have my way when it came to our daughter's name."
Seeing Darkness groan and rub her temples, she glanced at me while I offered a half-smile and shrug. "I guess mothers really do know best, huh? Well, maybe not mine, but still."
"Yes, well, as we've discussed before, I suppose could have been named a lot worse," Darkness replied with a shake of her head, cracking another smile as she stole a glance at me. "If I recall correctly, you mentioned one of the alternatives being 'Matilda', which is indeed quite horrifying to imagine."
"Don't forget about 'Gretchen'…" Megumin added with a suppressed shudder. "That's the go-to normie name I use as an example on why outsiders shouldn't mock my people's names."
"That's a fair choice, honestly. My pick would probably have to be…'Bellatrix'."
I found myself staring at Aqua in bewilderment.
"What? I met a Bellatrix once. She was super obnoxious and rude, so I told her that her name was dumb."
"You sure you weren't just being yourself when you met her?"
"Shove off, Jacob."
"AH! My ears!"
A roaring laughter cut us off from our squabble. Ignis was red in the face and holding onto his sides as he bellowed to the heavens, eventually calming down and wiping his eyes with a spare handkerchief he had in his breast pocket.
"M-my apologies, but…it's just so nice to know that Lala truly has friends she can rely on, people who will be there for her no matter what. She didn't have many friends growing up, you see. She resorted to going to the local Eris Church and praying for a best friend, which did eventually bring around Chris…but I worried for some time that it wouldn't be enough."
Aqua almost immediately let out a big old, "AWWW…" and leaned over to give Darkness a hug, which she hesitantly returned. While she tried to assure the girl that the Axis Church would have granted her wishes much sooner had she gone there to pray, I was hit with the craziest sense of déjà vu. Like I had already heard about this reveal before…
But then the feeling went away not long after, as moments of déjà vu usually do. The mind can be real finicky sometimes, no?
"Well, we're happy to be her friends, Ignis. She's a cool girl, not to mention a mostly valuable asset to our team!" Megumin promoted with a small fist pump. "We wouldn't trade her for the world!"
"I don't doubt your words for even a second, Megumin. Even so, I can't help but feel a touch responsible for my daughter's lonely upbringing," Ignis sighed, shoulders sagging as though they suddenly weighed a ton. "Lalatina's…interests aren't for everyone, that much is obvious. To this day, I still debate with myself on whether avoiding 'The Talk' with her was the right call. Now, if my wife were still around, she would've known exactly what to do. She always had have this uncanny talent of getting in tune with just about anybody. Our baby girl would've been a walk in the park for her…"
"Wait, so you're aware of her…hobbies, but you never really talked about it? Especially the important connotations?!" I sputtered, trying to keep from losing my cool at this revelation. Sure, I had my doubts, but to hear it from his own mouth that he just…he never told his daughter about the Birds and the Bees!?
Ignis sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck as he made a point to avoid eye contact with both me and his daughter. "Well, t-to be fair…I do get rather easily flustered when it comes to such subjects myself…"
"Oh…oh, wow," I muttered, genuinely struggling for a moment to stay respectful. There was…so much to say about that. But restraint was key. "I…can definitely understand that it would be an obstacle. However, your daughter's health and knowledge should traditionally come first, yes?"
Everything about this was so totally upside down. I, the bad guy, was playing the adult here while the actual adult was filling in as the nervous child being scolded for a mistake he made. I knew nobles were a little lacking in common sense but this was ridiculous!
"Y-yes, of course, absolutely! It's just that, uh…I-I feared divulging a topic like that with Lalatina would only further confuse the poor girl, a-and perhaps give her some 'funny ideas', sooo…"
"…you thought giving your daughter Sex Ed would cause her to start spreading her legs, didn't you?"
"SPICER!?"
I couldn't help it. I had to drop the formalities to level with this idiot. Darkness cried out my name on the other side of the couch and she probably was going to have my head for this, but I paid her no mind. I was going to have to deal with her after the party anyway.
"I-I would never assume such a thing! I…well, alright, I'll concede, I was a little nervous about what would happen if she made a mistake or if I stoked some hidden flame," Ignis admitted shamefully, sighing heavily as he shook his head. "She's my baby girl, my sole child. If I had told her something that steered her down the wrong path…what kind of father would that make me?"
Against my better judgement, my unamused glare lowered and my arms slowly uncrossed by themselves. After a second or two, I sighed.
"No, no, I get it; I'm a single father too. Every robot I build is like a son to me, these two KnightBots here included. Sometimes, whenever they get destroyed in battle, I get that nagging voice in the back of my mind that says I'm a failure and a crappy dad and other junk. But because I love my boys and trust their love in me, I try not to let that voice deter me. I just pick up their pieces, rebuild them, and we look out for each other like the family we are."
"That's…certainly an inspiring point of view. Not so literal on my end, I'm afraid, but I think I can understand the sentiment," Ignis replied, adapting surprisingly well to a line of logic that usually left people scratching their heads. "Perhaps part of parenting is learning from our failures. It was wrong of me to try and avoid them all together, and perhaps I should do better going forward."
"And I as well," Darkness added determinedly while standing up, moving over to sit next to her dad. "In retrospect, perhaps I could've been a little more demanding regarding my need for closure, instead of just accepting your dismissal at face value. We both shoulder the blame, not just you. So, let us right these wrongs of ours starting now! Father? W-would you please t-t-teach me about…s-s-s-s-sex!?"
…
"Ah. I, uh…I don't think now is a particularly opportune moment to go through the messy details, daughter," Ignis slowly replied. I certainly didn't want to be in the same room for that talk, no thank you! "Perhaps another time, maybe even after the party winds down?"
The hopeless blonde turned an even deeper shade of scarlet (somehow) and stiffly got back up.
"Ah. Yes. You make a fair point as always, father. I shall hold my questions for a future date. Come along now, friends. The party should be starting soon."
"Yeah, she has a point. I assume dinner would be coming soon, anyhow." I muttered, before rising to my feet and extending my hand out to Papa Darkness, managing an easy smile. "It's been a pleasure speaking with you, sir. Really insightful, learning where our lovely crusader came from."
"It's been a pleasure talking to you and your friends as well, young man. I just know my daughter will be in great company from here on out. You have my eternal gratitude," Ignis said with a nod and smile before covering the side of his mouth to whisper one more thing to me in secret.
"Oh, and also? You have my blessings should the two of you ever decide to elope."
I nearly had a stroke when he said that. But thankfully, by some miracle, I managed to keep from showing it too much on my face or in my tone.
"Wha-I mean, t-thank you, sir. I'll…keep that in mind…"
Ignis' smile stretched further and he patted me on the back before letting us go. Fucking hell, I can never catch a break with this love shit. Can't a bad guy just take over the world with his three platonic friends in peace without taboo feelings mucking everything up? Is that really so much to ask, universe!? Cut me some slack already…
But of course, no slacks would be cut today as not long after we stepped out into the hall, Megumin asked me, "So what was that little whisper exchange at the end there, huh?"
"Oh, just him praising me for being a 'good egg' and whatnot," I lied, quick on the draw for once. "Had to play along with it as much as it pained me to. God, I cannot wait to go home so I can stop pretending to be Mr. Nice Guy. Makes me wanna throw up a little in my mouth."
"I'll admit, it's really unnerving seeing you act all polite and stuff. Feels wrong, like seeing a dog you know without it's collar on," Aqua mused idly in her typical Aqua way, not really thinking about what she was saying. Still, I couldn't argue with her analysis. Being good was uncomfortable, especially for this long!
"Honestly? I feel you. Knowing Jack like we do, he just comes off as…unnatural when he's being polite," Megumin agreed with a nod and subsequent grimace. "And like him, I too cannot wait to get home so that I may shed this cocoon of a façade and reemerge as my true, exploding-butterfly self!"
"Yes, well, do try to contain yourselves just a bit longer. Once dinner is over, we can consider wrapping things up and heading home," Darkness assured us, offering a small smile that did seem to betray that this whole act really was wearing on all of us. "I will confess, while it was lovely to see my father again, tonight has been rather taxing thus far."
"Tell me about it. And we haven't even gotten to the appetizers yet, let alone the main course," I sighed, remembering I'd still have to sit in the same room as Princess Twerp and her merry band of pretentious snobs. But, if the plan goes off without a hitch, they should think twice about looking down on me as just some powerless adventurer. They'll view me as an equal, whether they like it or not.
And eventually…as their evil emperor~
"AHA! There's that evil smile! Had to at least get one in before the night's end, huh?" Aqua snarked at me before smirking triumphantly at Megumin. "Looks like somebody here owes me 1,500 eris~"
"We never bet," Megumin challenged with an arched brow. "And why would I bet against something that was inevitable anyway? He does it like every other hour!"
"Damn right I do. It's part of the Jack Spicer charm~" I snarked, lightly shaking my head over the return of our usual banter. It was a short lived, however, as we neared the end of the hall and nearly bumped into someone rounding the corner. I had to bite back a sharp retort at first, but the words died on my lips as I realized who were unlucky enough to run into.
In front of us were two nobles we hadn't met downstairs, though I was already familiar with them myself even if they couldn't say the same for me. It was none other than Walter (a.k.a. Pretty Boy) and his foster dad (a.k.a. the gorilla I robbed). Alderp must've finally got discharged from the hospital since he was walking around on crutches that looked like toothpicks ready to snap under his obese frame. I was very, very tempted to kick them out from under him as an evil prank, but I heavily suppressed the urge. If one wants to enact a greater and more evil vision, one must be willing to put aside at least some of his usual petty tendencies…
Still, it would've been funny as hell.
"Ah, my apologies. I wasn't aware there were any more guests up here." Walter apologized politely in that same, rehearsed tone just about everyone at this damn party used, flashing the girls and I a pearly white smile and polite nod. "I don't believe I saw any of you downstairs…you might be?"
Ignoring the inexplicable British accent he had despite there being no Great Britain in this world, I cleared my throat accordingly. "Uh, right, introductions: I'm Jack Spicer, and these are- -"
"Spicer!? As in the same Spicer who perpetrated the incident in the capital?" Alderp interrupted, limping forwards and glaring at me in what would've been an intimidating fashion if a single leg sweep wasn't all I needed to take him out of commission. "How the hell did you even get invited to this event, boy? Are you even supposed to be here?"
"As a matter of fact, he is," Darkness answered in my stead, immediately stepping forward and enacting her no-nonsense diplomacy. "We all are. We were specifically invited to attend this event by Belzerg Stylish Sword Iris herself. I still hold the letter she sent us should you need further proof, Lord Alexei."
And just like that, the ape-man went from holding back his fury to full-on "unga-bunga" caveman mode as he took a moment to ogle at Dark's chest…and then the others' as well!? What the fuck, man!? Step off my friends before the bots and I come bust you up! I don't care if he's a noble, he can't just do that, not while I'm around!
"Ah-I apologize for my father's brash words!" Walter apologized hastily as he moved in front of his dirtbag stepdad in an attempt to placate us. While I was still tempted to call the bots to the front as a show of force, I held off for the time being. "He's been immensely stressed, as you can imagine! These past few months have taken quite a toll on the both of us, really."
"Yeah…I guess being discharged from the hospital would do that to a man, wouldn't it?" I said as calmly as I could, still pissed at the fat tub of lard. It was one thing when M-Guy stared at Dark's exposed nipple that one time, but it was another thing entirely when Aqua and Megumin were roped into it, with the latter having just turned 14 no less!
"That's not even the half of it, I'm afraid…" Walter sighed before elaborating. "I had to fill in for my father as Axel's standing noble whilst he recovered on the other side of the country. That meant being burdened with all the financial responsibilities wrought by the Mobile Fortress Destroyer. A lot of granaries and farms were destroyed along that metal monstrosity's warpath, you see, and I felt it was my duty as a noble to pay for all the damages."
I think Alderp and I both shared an annoyed "tch" over this guy's self-righteous philosophy. Whether he noticed or not was left to ambiguity as he carried on.
"However, good as my intentions may have been, I admit that in the process of offering assistance I may have…overextended," Walter continued with a damn near bashful look that kinda made me want to slug him on instinct alone, handsome face be damned. "As such, our finances have been in, how you say, shambles, as of late."
"Yes, and us being robbed recently was just the thing I needed to hear most when I returned home," Alderp growled like a Rottweiler, casting his son an admittedly solid evil sneer. "So many priceless valuables gone in one night, including an irreplaceable family heirloom. I can't even afford to fire my incompetent guards now. With the debt my son accrued, my hospital bills, and the idiot employees I still have to pay, we're just barely staying afloat."
Resist the urge to be a dick. Resist…
"That's terrible to hear. I can certainly understand how that might be taxing in your day to day life," I ground out in as even of a tone as I could muster. Just stay calm, Jack, keep your cool. "I don't suppose you have a plan to help yourself out of such dire straits?"
"As a matter of fact, I do. I'm thinking of raising the taxes on Axel Town," Alderp revealed with a sinister grin aimed directly at me, making me both jealous and fearful of it. "Better work hard for your country, boy. Us nobles provide you with all those nice roads, shelters, and bathhouses you love so much. Can't provide those luxuries without the proper funds, now can I?"
…
Resist the urge, resist the urge, RESIST THE URGE!
"Right, of course. Makes total sense," I nearly spat out. "Well, my friends and I were about to go downstairs since dinner is starting soon. It's been a real pleasure speaking with you…Lord Alexei."
"Please, don't let us hold you all up. I was merely helping father to the restroom on account of his injuries. Do tell everyone that we shall be down momentarily," Pretty Boy said in that stupid calming British voice, making me mad that it was succeeding in making me slightly less mad. "Oh! I don't believe I actually gave you my name. I'm Walter, and it's been a delight speaking with you, Jack. See you at dinner!"
Offering another nod, I practically speed walked in the other direction, expression dropping as soon as I passed the handsome dolt and his jackass, scummy father into a taught scowl. That had been very, very close to becoming messy…but I was strong enough to resist the urge. All for the cause, I reminded myself.
"UGH! That guy was a total creepazoid!" Aqua whined as she covered herself and shuddered in repressed disgust. "I could practically feel his eyes undressing my sacred goddess body! I wanna go hoooooome!"
"Yeah, that was…bleh!" Megumin concurred, mirroring Aqua's motion with a visible shudder. "What an absolute deadbeat! Sheesh, I feel vile now…"
"I am so sorry you two had to endure that man's lustful gaze. Even I did not feel particularly joyful when it fell upon me," Darkness admitted with a rueful shake of the head. "Though Alderp may check off all the boxes on my dream husband, I can see now he is just as insufferable in person as he is with his influence alone. I have no respect for him as a noble!"
"Yeah, that's…" I paused, blinked, then slowly turned to look at the woman. "What kind of horrifying checklist do you have for your 'dream husband'?"
"…as a favor to us all, I will elect to refrain from clarifying any further," Darkness replied simply, forcing me to restrain a frustrated groan. "It does seem like dinner is upon us. We're almost through this, I promise. Just a little while longer, everyone."
"Right, just a little while longer," I repeated, gesturing for the gang to continue playing "Follow the Leader" as I led them all downstairs where the festivities should be starting.
And hopefully, my first step into asserting my influence in this world's political realm.
And after nearly a two month absence, I'm back! Like a phoenix!
Sorry, I know it's the most cliché excuse out there, but I really was busy having to deal with personal junk...and battling personal demons, but that's neither here nor there! Another thing that was kinda holding me back from updating was the promise I made regarding reading the light novels ahead of time (which I may still do). However, I am in a Konosuba Discord server now, so if I have any questions about Konosuba lore, I can just go ask the gents over there at anytime. So hopefully that'll help speed up the updates. Thank you all so much once again for sticking with me for this long. I don't think I'd be nearly as inclined to continue working on this brain child of mine had I not gotten so much support for it. Love you guys!