I sighed in front of my doorstep. I can't even enter my own house anymore without stalling. What should've been a day for self-congratulation was dampened because I knew I'd have to talk to her when delivering the news. And I still wasn't ready for a direct confrontation after our agreed upon space.

It'd been a week since the dinner party, and things were…tense around the mansion. Megumin and Aqua were able to bounce back pretty quickly, but Darkness was still holding a grudge. Incidental conversations between us were short and awkward on the best of days. Otherwise, we did what we could to stay out of each other's way.

But every cloud has a silver lining as they say. Chris finally stopped by yesterday with my share of the booty from our collaborative heist a while back. True to her word (apparently there is some honor among thieves), she sold off Alderp's valuables to the underground Thieves Guild, giving her share of unmarked eris to charity. The cut she gave me was enough to cover the last of the debt with a couple hundred-thousand left over. Today was the day my party and I were free from indentured servitude…again.

This was obviously great news and worthy of celebration under normal circumstances. But given where things stood between me and Darkness, partying was the last thing I was really in the mood for. Still, just because we weren't on the best terms doesn't mean I should leave her out of the loop. That's how this mess of my own making even started...

I opened the front door and was greeted by the JackBot that usually offered to take my coat as per routine. This time, however, I ordered him to go fetch the girls and bring them into the living room for a team meeting. I even told him to take his time so I could have a moment to mentally prepare for when Darkness showed up. As long as I kept the focus of the conversation on the good news, I should be golden…for the time being.

A few minutes later, I found the girls waiting and assembled in the living room. Megumin and Aqua were faring much better than our Crusader, who was still uncharacteristically moody. She hasn't bothered to do much in the way of interacting these days. Sure, she'd have no problems talking to the other girls, even if they had to be the ones to annoy her first. But for the most part, she was either in the dojo working out like crazy or in her bedroom getting her freak on.

Seriously, how many times does this chick need to exercise and masturbate to get over herself already? And before you ask: no, I can't confirm if she actually does do the latter in her spare time. But c'mon, it's not that far of a stretch.

…

I should probably get on with the announcement instead of thinking about Darkness touching herself – Jesus, Jack! The fuck's wrong with you, man?

"AHEM! Glad everyone could make it today," I started, internally wincing when I cleared my throat a little too loudly. "I've gathered you all here to let you in on some good news for once. Last night, Chris dropped off my share of the haul I helped her steal from that fat bastard noble a few miles up north. We are hereby no longer in debt."

Aqua was naturally the first to respond with an enthusiastic whoop, celebrating with a flurry of party tricks. Megumin was also on a similar level, babbling her usual string of Crimson Demon gibberish with appropriate flair. As for Darkness…

"That's good," The blonde said simply and with a curt nod. "I still would've preferred if we had earned that money legally. Nevertheless, I'm glad the debt has finally been settled."

For once, I held my tongue and just nodded before turning my attention back to the others. I really, really didn't want to risk escalating things. So until Darkness was ready to play ball again, I planned to continue steering clear of her. Sucks, I know, but I wasn't the one being snippy here, now was I?

"Well I don't know about you, but I think this calls for a grand Explosion worthy of such a milestone!" Megumin cheered. "Good thing I decided to hold off on my daily run today or I would've exploded prematurely."

"Must you make it a habit of making innuendos out of your hobby?" I asked her with a blank stare. I wasn't even sure if she was doing it on purpose at this point. Maybe she's been hanging around our resident masochist too much...

"It's only an innuendo if you see it as one, perv," Megumin shot back without the slightest bit of hesitation. "C'mon, Jack, we're finally free from another bout of debt! You should be pumped too!"

Aqua – ever the chipper woman – was quick to add, "Yeah, at least smile or something! I know you're going for that 'goth/emo' look or whatever you Americans call it, but you usually can't pull it off anyway. Just let loose and be cheerful already!"

"What's that supposed to mean!? I so too pull it off! I'm always dark and cool and edgy. That's, like, my whole thing, y'know?"

"Can't fool us, Jack-Jack! We know there's a positive spark somewhere in that deep, dark soul of yours!" The two-bit goddess chortled, poking me with reckless abandon. She really was willing to risk souring my somewhat decent mood, wasn't she? Who am I kidding, of course she was, it's Aqua.

"Quit poking me! I'm not a shiny red button for you to press," I grumbled while swatting her hand away. "And it's not like I'm not happy we cleared the debt, far from it. It's just…uh…I don't feel like wasting all my energy right now. Maybe later after I take a power nap."

Another bald-faced lie. I wasn't feeling up to celebrating because I knew Darkness would have no part of it. Maybe I was going soft, or maybe there was some stupid twinge of something in my genius brain. But as long as we were still at odds, I just couldn't bring myself to the same theatric highs I normally managed.

"Booooo! Laaaaame!" Megumin jeered. "That's not the Jack I know. The real Jack would take me out to a satisfying Explosion run and prattle on about all the weird ways to celebrate. This is a big moment for us, we can't waste it by sitting quietly at home. We need to go out and do something – anything!"

"Alright, alright, FINE!" I yielded. "If you're so desperate for entertainment, how about this? If any of you can come up with an idea that really speaks to me, we'll do it."

"Are you implying that watching me explode things isn't enough for you anymore?" Megumin quickly asked with a raised eyebrow. "Watch how you answer that, 'cuz if I don't like what I hear, I'll put the 'demon' back in 'Crimson Demon'. Got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it. But we do your Explosion stuff all the time. You guys are itching for something special, so start spitballin'!" I shot back. If these two wanted to do something so bad, they had to do the leg work for once.

"Oh, OH! I know!" Aqua piped up excitedly. "Remember how we talked about going somewhere for vacation after we paid off the debt? With your flying limo, we could go anywhere we want AND save money on travel expenses! Pl~us, I just so happen to have the perfect vacay spot in mind!"

"Is the Devil King skating to work today? Because that actually doesn't sound half bad," I admitted with a smirk as Aqua utterly missed the snide edge in my comment, still smiling dumbly. "Where exactly did you have in mind?"

Firmly planting her boot on the coffee table, Aqua slowly and dramatically unfurled her Japanese fans with an intense look of concentration. What followed was basically a grander version of her Nature's Beauty party trick as a light rain mist sprinkled down on us after we got flash-banged by magic. I was about to yell her ear off about my photosensitive eyes when I noticed the mini rainbow she left behind spelled out a word:

"...'Antarctica'?" I read in confusion.

"That says 'Arcanletia', Jack," Darkness corrected dryly, her tone once again lacking that warmth behind it. "It's the headquarters of the Axis Cult. Famous for their hot springs as well as infamous for their…a-arrogant citizens."

The headquarters for Aqua's crazy-ass followers!? No wonder she was so hyped to suggest such a horrible place!

"NUH-UH! Not happening!" I said to Aqua's face, causing her to drop her fans in complete shock like she somehow wasn't expecting that. "What makes you think I wanna go into a hornet's nest like that!?"

"It is NOT a hornet's nest!" The demigod shot back, stomping angrily like a little kid not getting her way. "My followers are all lovely; the nasty rumors people have been spreading about them are Eris propaganda! They're a really sweet people, honest!"

Given Megumin's accounts about having to get physical with some coupled with the odd encounter I've had with one follower stationed in town ("Cindy" I think her name), I wasn't buying it. Plus, I couldn't help but overhear Darkness breathing a little more heavily than usual. Anything that gets her hot and bothered is usually never good.

"Look, Aqua...loyalty to your minions is important, I get that. I really do," I admitted, holding up my hand to cut off her swift retort as I continued. "But it seems the public consensus is that your followers are batshit crazy. I'm desperate enough for a vacation to where I can justify going to their breeding grounds."

"But Arcanletia is one of the kingdom's highly-rated resorts!" Aqua argued, still not letting this go. "It's the only place in Belzerg that has enchanted hot springs that'll make you feel like you were personally blessed by me! Not to mention all the friendly faces maintaining them. It's every tourist's dream!"

Suddenly making a devious face, she winked at me and added, "Plus, there's lots of cute guys and girls in town~ That's gotta sound pleasing to you, huh~?"

I was on the verge of shutting her down; to explain to her that, yes, while cute guys and girls were a positive selling point, there were a hundred-and-one negatives to occur in a city of religious zealots.

But something made me falter. Some tiny, itty-bitty spark of weakness in my chest.

The girls needed a vacation. I needed a vacation. And the idea of a hot spring city didn't sound completely awful on paper…

"…maybe," I relented, trying my hardest to fight back the blush I knew was coming. "Ugh, fine. We'll give 'Albuquerque' or whatever a shot. But the nanosecond your followers start bugging us to join your religion, we're outta there. And I get exclusive rights to say I told you so. Deal?"

"You drive a hard bargain…but a bargain all the same!" Aqua cheered as her glee returned with a vengeance. "You guys are gonna LOVE IT, trust me!"

"I do remember the city being pretty back when I was traveling through it to Axel," Megumin confessed with something that resembled a wistful smile. "If nothing else, we certainly won't be looking at an eye sore during our stay. And I did make a promise to someone there that I'd visit again soon..."

Oof. One of the crazies must've blackmailed her while she was passing through. And it seems to have given her lingering Stockholm syndrome. I might've made a mistake here.

"By the way, how are we doing on money right now?" Megumin asked after breaking out of her tainted reverie. "Still got enough left over from when we sold Keele's stuff?"

"Lookin' pretty good at the moment. Not half as rich as I'd prefer, but we shouldn't go hungry for a few weeks," I reassured with a smirk. Considering I'd managed to keep our spending habits under tight control for a while now, I was feeling pretty proud of myself right.

"Then perhaps you can spare one more mouth to feed, boy who hides his insecurities behind a mask of villainy?"

There goes the happy feeling…as well as another shred of my dignity as I let out a shriek. To be fair, I wasn't expecting visitors just waltzing into our house, least of all him.

Vanir was standing at the doorway to our living room, an unconscious and oddly transparent Wiz on his back. If that wasn't strange enough, 2.0 himself was looking awfully crumbly this evening. His clay body was cracked with little bits and pieces falling off here and there.

"OI! How did you pass my barrier, shit-demon!?" Aqua demanded while summoning her staff.

"And how did you get past my GuardBots!?" I added while pulling out…a wrench. Maybe not as cool as summoning a real weapon, but I left my crossbow downstairs.

"A Duke of Hell can make short work of both your barrier and your toys. Do not mistake moi for an amateur just because you and your friends got lucky and bested me once," Vanir replied, unfazed by our defensive stances as he wandered over to Darkness, offering her the semi-transparent Lich. "Hold this please, perverted noble. Moi has a proposal to make with all of you."

Just as I was about to go off on the pompous immortal for trashing my babies again, Aqua tried to hit him with a Sacred Exorcism. Like when they first met, Vanir dodged her attacks with inhuman speed before giving the water goddess a blank stare. At least…I think it was meant to be a blank stare. Hard to tell when the mask is technically part of his face. Or was it his face...?

"So little patience. Moi was just getting to it, you blue buffoon!" He huffed in agitation, straightening out his suit and turning his attention to me. "Spicer, I need you to watch over this sad excuse of a shopkeeper for a little bit while I clean up another one of her messes. I understand you aren't the altruistic type, so I am willing to bargain if need be."

"Oh, I see how it is," I started, narrowing my eyes at the wannabe supervillain. "First, you try to kill me and my friends because of some rumor you heard through the cosmic grapevine or whatever. Then you strike some kind of deal with Kazuma over manufacturing technology when that's my bread and butter. And NOW you come barging into my home to ask me to do you a solid!? You've got a lotta nerve, 2.0. If I didn't admire traits like that, I'd be so cross with you right now."

"Yes, yes, I am positively torn up over it. How will moi ever sleep at night?" Vanir scoffed dismissively, cocking his head to the side and adopting what I assumed was a contemplative expression. "You do realize I never brought you in on the same deal as the boy who also has trouble expressing how he feels because you are...antagonistic, yes?"

"Well DUH I'm antagonistic! Wouldn't be a very good antagonist if I wasn't, would I? Sheesh, it's almost hard to believe you were once on Team Bad Guy. Still, you're the one who backed the wrong horse here, not me."

The glare Vanir shot my way summed up his current annoyance with me pretty well. Not that I cared considering the demonic dickhead had broken into our home and was trying to dump his undead friend onto us.

"Awww! Is Mister Big Bad Demon Man getting angy~?" Aqua teased with a sinister aura that ironically rivaled the devil she was mocking. "Oh, and would you look at that? Your body is looking a little worse for wear there. For someone who claims he can make short work of my barrier, that teensy-weensy little thing sure did quite the number on you~ I don't think you're really in a position to be making demands…"

For the briefest moment, I thought Vanir was going to tear his hair out in frustration (a common side-effect when one hangs around Aqua for too long). But before he could let his anger get the better of him, he suddenly straightened himself out. He seemed to regain his cool as he was now gazing down at us with a downright domineering grin on his face.

A chill ran down my spine.

"My dear, sweet, frustrating associates…My patience grows dangerously thin. I could cast all of you, goddess included, into an unendingly painful inferno that would make you wish moi had settled for a quick death. Instead, moi has elected to be amicable today. But if you insist on being antagonistic…"

While Aqua stood her ground like an idiot, I had the right idea to step back with my hands up, showing the bigger animal I was no threat. The Goddess of Water and Duke of Hell stared each other down, neither refusing to back down and almost silently daring the other to make a move. However, before a fight of literal biblical proportions could break out, the tension was erased when Darkness spoke.

"Um, excuse me, Vanir? I know now's not a good time to ask but…m-might I get a more vivid description of that h-horrible inferno you mentioned~?"

"Yes, you get a sunny field full of harmless Gossamer sprites wherein you are pampered for all eternity. Moi is well aware that normal threats don't…work on…please don't tell me you're actually getting off to being denied a personal hell?"

"You kinda/sorta/not really get used to it…" I mumbled somewhat apologetically to the Duke of Hell. Partly because I didn't want to break Darkness out of her little trance and partly because I was once in his polished shoes. "Anyway, tell ya what: you probably already had a 'vision' about how this all ends, so I'll just save fate the time of day by agreeing to look after Wiz. This was supposed to be a family vacation but…I guess there are worse plus-ones to have. Besides, you've probably suffered enough under that girl's poor financial reign. Evil or not, that deserves sympathy."

"Thank you. See? Was that so hard?" Vanir asked rhetorically while throwing his hands up. "All the name-calling and empty threats, so tedious! Moi finds it much more beneficial to simply talk things out like civilized adults."

"You tried to kill me the first time we met."

"And moi has decided to let bygones be bygones."

"I don't see why you're complaining," Megumin muttered to Vanir with a blank face, having been a passive observer up until now. "I thought you subsisted off of negative emotions?"

"Moi subsists off of others' negative emotions. Mine don't count," The devil man replied matter-of-factly, tilting his head in Darkness's direction before smirking. "For example, even with the airheaded priest's suffocating aura dampening my mind-reading powers, I can broadcast secrets that are sure to get a rise out of even the most depraved! Isn't that right, pervy Crusader who likes to pose in the Explosion girl's undersized dresses when no one is around?"

All pairs of eyes, mine included, went to Darkness following the demon's latest quip. Our forever down bad friend's face was a burning scarlet. And this time her eyes were practically bulging out of their sockets now that she had been outed. The images that were running around in my mind at that moment…dangerous was putting it mildly.

"Wait – is THAT why some of my clothes have been stretched out lately!?" Megumin cried at the older woman, eyes flashing red like warning lights for a machine about to go critical. "What the hell, Slutiness!? You tryin' to make a statement about my body type compared to yours!? I'll fight you, bimbo!"

"M-M-M-MEGUMIN! That was never my intention, I swear!" Darkness sputtered desperately as the Crimson Demon looked about ready to body slam her. Not that it would've been very effective against a wall of muscle like her. Still, the image was kinda funny, and much more PG in my head compared to the...others. So I was more than willing to watch this all play out. I wasn't the only one with the idea either.

"HO-Ho-HOOO! The genuine shame! The deep-seated insecurities! Moi lives for these kinds of negative emotions!" Vanir announced to himself with plenty of gusto and showmanship. "Catfights really do bring out the worst in humans, male and female alike. Moi simply cannot get enough of them!"

"Please…don't fight…" Murmured the barely conscious Wiz in Dark's hands, still transparent for some reason. "Vanir's…not that bad…when you get to know him…is that Beldia I see waving at me…?"

"Oh yeah, should probably take care of that," I muttered, walking over to where Darkness was holding the Lich. After taking a moment to judge the logistics of the scenario, I ultimately decided the risk was good enough for the reward and extended one hand out. "Hand, please."

"Wha – JACK! Now is not exactly the best time here!" Darkness squawked with a burning face and tears forming in the corner of her eyes. "Can't you see I'm busy salvaging my integrity? Also, I'm still upset with you!"

"Ugh, fine. I'm already digging myself a hole, might as well dig deeper..."

Figuring I couldn't get into any more trouble with her than I already was in, I grabbed both ladies' wrists before using Drain Touch. Transferring energy from Darkness to Wiz worked as the Lich became solid again in mere seconds.

I gotta say, undead spells were pretty damn dope…hopefully I'd get to use them again if Darkness stopped violently wringing my neck!

In the midst of all my choking noises and the extended laughter coming from Vanir, I used my free arms to call the JackBots. Two seconds later, a small swarm of them wrestled with the crazy bitch's hands to release me. Whether they succeeded on their own or because Darkness finally came to her senses made little difference to me. I was freed and left to cough for a bit while I sucked in precious oxygen. As I tended to my bruising neck, I mustered up enough strength to at least croak out a sentence.

"N-Now I know...how Bart Simpson must feel…urk!"

"You could've explained what you were doing before you did that! Probably would've prevented the attempted murder!" Megumin scolded, which was about as helpful as expected post-strangulation. Still more helpful than Aqua, who put her hatred for Vanir aside to join in on the laughter (stupid goddess). "How'd you even know that would work on Wiz?"

"Full disclosure? I didn't," I admitted after taking a gulp, wincing when I found out even doing that kinda hurt. "Holy magic is basically like acid to her kind, so I just assumed using an undead spell would do the trick. At least we know for sure now, yeah? That's gotta count for something."

"Moi…really shouldn't be surprised by your tomfoolery by now," Vanir mused with another low chuckle, clearly having a great time indulging in our mass discomfort. He swiftly turned on his heel and started for the exit finally. "Either way, I shan't hold you up any longer! Farewell for now, foolish adventurers!"

"Yeah, that's right, scram you glorified leech!" Aqua proclaimed after she was no longer operating on the same mocking wavelength as him. "You were starting to stink up the joint with your demonic B.O.! Pee-YEW does it smell! Get out – GET OUT YOU NASTY DEMON!"

For once, Vanir seemed content to leave Aqua to her nutty ramblings, exiting the way he came in with an elated pep in his step. Guess at least one of us should enjoy the madness of what was our usual daily routine.

Anyway, I turned to the now conscious Wiz and threw up my hands expectantly. "So…what did you do to piss him off this time!?"

The Lich squeaked, "Oh! Um…well…a merchant was offloading a shipment of magic portable toilets that make the sound of rushing water for privacy whenever you d-do your business while out adventuring. They sounded like a marvel idea, so I bought them all thinking they would fly off the shelves in my store."

"Buuuut?" I drawled out with a raised brow. "I'm waiting for that but."

"W-Well…the noise they make is sort of loud. Loud enough to draw attention from nearby monsters. And one flush is enough to cause a flood…" Wiz continued, her visible eye downcast as she started to put to words just how poor of an investment this really was. "After I told Vanir, he got upset and zapped me with his Murder Ray again."

All of us, even the JackBots, stared at the undead shopkeeper for a long while. Eventually, we all spoke our minds:

"You have a problem."

"I know…"