Special thanks to NamiChwan57 of AO3 for his wonderful contributions on this chapter and future chapters to come!
It was a nice day out in the city of hot springs. The sun was shining (damn albinism), the air smelled like warm root beer (for some weird reason), and I was in the middle of trying to shove Aqua's crying face back into the car with my boot.
"JACK-JAAAAAACK! GIVE IT A CHANCE!" Shrieked the bawling banshee that liked to call herself a goddess. "WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN HERE FOR TEN MINUTES! WAAAAHHHH!"
"It doesn't take a genius like me to tell this place is gonna be nothing but trouble!" I shouted back, gesturing to the locals behind us who were oddly ambivalent to our little spat. "I don't know why I thought listening to you in the first place was ever a good idea! NOW GET IN THE CAR AND KISS ARKANSAS GOODBYE!
"I mean, Jack kinda has a point, Aqua. I appreciate bombastic welcomes as much as the next mage, but when it's coming from…these guys?"
Megumin cast an uneasy glance to the surrounding locals, who still hadn't taken the hint to buzz off quite yet and remained nearby. She shuddered.
"Come now, you two. This is hardly fair to her you know," Darkness lightly scolded like the mother hen she was. "We've only just landed and now you want us to take back off because of questionable first impressions? Let's at least stay for one day and- -"
"Oh my Aqua! Are you an archpriest for the Axis Sect. by chance?"
One of the cultish dopes had finally worked up the nerve to approach. Only this time she seemed to be addressing Aqua instead. Mid-kick to the face, the bluenette promptly shoved my foot away and slapped on a prideful smile as if she hadn't just been bawling like an utter child.
"Why yes indeed, little lamb! I work hard to heal the sick and promote the Axis Church while doing so! In fact, as someone who started out as an archpriest right from the gate, you could say that I'm that much closer to Aqua-sama than most regular devotees~"
The crowd got hyped up again as more people flocked around Aqua while also failing to recognize her as the very goddess they worshipped. Either way, she was perfectly content with basking in her own humblebrag and providing the cultists with some nonsensical pointers on improving their prayers or whatever. I just sighed to myself. This was going to be a long "vacation", wasn't it?
"We're not gonna be leaving anytime soon, are we…?"
"No, I don't believe we are," Darkness replied simply.
Damn it.
Darkness lightly shook her head before turning her attention to Alexis. "Alexis, if you could watch over Aqua and make sure she doesn't cause too much trouble, we'll go book a room at the inn for everyone."
"Leave only the most arduous tasks for the robot to handle. I see how it is," Alexis snarked, only half-joking as she shook her head and waved her hand flippantly. "Fine, fine. I'll keep an eye on her for ya, pain slut. Just make sure the room is nice at least."
Darkness went beet red, as expected, but seemed to recompose herself with remarkable speed for once. She huffed and gestured for Megumin, Wiz, and I to follow her. Considering it was a heck of a lot better than watching Aqua flaunt her stupid party tricks over the fawning townspeople, I was quick to fall into line.
Since there was an inn right in front of the park we parked at (gotta love puns), it was just a short walk away. CB-5P131B3R6 was kind enough to get the door for us as we stepped into the main lobby, a seemingly normal receptionist waiting for us at the front desk. She beamed at our arrival.
"Oh, hello there! Welcome to the Goddess' Tap!" She greeted pleasantly, seemingly less obsessive than the hoard of Aqua fanboys/fangirls outside. "My name is Selena, pleased to meet you all! How may I be of service?"
"Yeah, hi, we're just looking to book a room here. Preferable the best one you got," I said nonchalantly as we approached Selena at the front desk. At least this one wasn't aggressively shilling her religion. "We're planning on staying for about…ugh, I don't know, a week or so?"
If push comes to shove, screaming and crying my head off should be enough to convince the girls to let me leave early. If it works for Aqua, it works for me.
"Certainly, sir! Is this the entirety of your party?"
"There's seven of us in total. Eight if you count the cat," I answered while jabbing a thumb at Chomusuke, who was currently poking her head out from under Megumin's hat. Her pet had the right idea of hiding the moment we were surrounded by cultists. "The other two are hanging around in the park right now. Can you just check us all in anyway?"
"Oh, of course! Not a problem in the slightest, sir!" She replied promptly. Sheesh, this one had too much positivity for my taste. "Just give me a moment, I'll acquire the proper documentation!"
Humming a little tune to herself, Selena rifled through some drawers underneath her desk until she pulled out the paperwork I was going to need to sign and placed it before me. "Alrighty! I just need you to print your name up at the top, sign your initials down at the bottom, and make sure you have the minimum balance for a one-week stay. The sooner you finish signing, the sooner you can enjoy all that our wonderful town has to offer!"
"Right…thanks," I mutter halfheartedly, not missing the pitiful advertising thrown in. Still, I wasn't exactly a stranger to how businesses worked, so I once more elected to keep my trap shut as I printed my name on the top line, before moving on to the lower one and…pausing.
"...wait a second…"
~Axis Church Recruitment Signup Sheet~
My blood ran ice-cold as I hesitantly glanced back up at the smiling receptionist. Except now she had a much more dangerous aura to her, like a horror movie monster making its presence known before striking. Her pupils looked more…dilated. Hollow, almost. And she was unnaturally still as she waited for me to sign my own death warrant. I gulped.
"Hey Jack, what's the hold up? You forget how to sign two letters or- -" Megumin started, before she seemed to catch a glance at the document itself, eyebrows shooting up in fear. "…oh gods, no, it's happening."
Something about the way Megumin said that instinctively had me suspicious of her. But before I could formulate a thought on why that was, Selena spoke up, her smile twitching and eyes widening like one of those yandere types in anime.
"Is there a problem, good sir? You know, if you join the Axis Sect., you get complimentary bathing equipment at an affordable starting price. Doesn't that sound absolutely lovely? So please – sign up now and become blessed by the great and fair goddess, Aqua!"
She really is a real-life yandere, oh sweet Jesus!
Before I could authorize my CameraBot to enter emergency attack mode, Darkness shoved me aside and swiftly pulled out a purple pendant with a stylized "E" embossed on it. Whatever she was doing, her face made it pretty clear that she was in no mood for whatever Miss Crazy-Pants was selling.
"Excuse me, ma'am, but I can assure you that my friends and I are uninterested in joining the Axis Sect. at this time, thank you." She bit out firmly, with the maturity I'd normally expect from her when it came to more serious stuff like faith. "I myself am devoted to the Eris Sect., and if you wish to convert them to your religion then you'll have to go through- -"
I don't know what to expect when Darkness informed a religious radical of her rival religion, but Selena spitting on her shoes in disgust was enough to make my jaw drop. Same goes for M-Bomb, Wiz, and Spielberg (if I had built him with one). Hell, even Dark herself looked momentarily stunned at the blatant disrespect to her religion as the receptionist just gave us all a dirty look.
She then bent down and randomly tossed a set of keys my way. After fumbling to try and catch them, Selena spoke curtly.
"We have a 'complimentary' suite for Eris followers just down the hall. Can't miss it. Thank you for choosing the Goddess' Tap. Enjoy your stay, cretins."
Me? Jack Spicer, a cretin? Oh-ho-ho-hoo, this lady just earned herself a one-way ticket to my future salt mines.
After Selena disappeared into a backroom behind the counter (but not before spitting at the ground in our direction again), we all sorta stood there in disbelief. I stole a quick glance at Darkness. She seemed perpetually frozen in time as that same shocked face of hers had yet to change. Was starting to get a little worried for her to be honest.
"Uh…Dark? You still with us, buddy…?" I asked carefully, not quite sure what her response was going to be for a number of reasons. I sure as hell wasn't gonna risk pissing her off any more than I already had, so I spared Wiz and Megumin a silent plea for help.
Well, as it turns out, I was worried over nothing when Darkness…did her thing again. You know the one: flushed cheeks, crossed legs, restrained moan of pleasure, the works.
While a small part of me can admit to seeing that coming, the rest of me couldn't help but look on in judgement. Like, even having her own religion crapped on pushed the right buttons for her? Seriously!?
"Darkness? I know we're kinda feuding right now, but I gotta ask…why?"
"Huh? Wha – I, uh…d-d-don't be that way, Jack!" The hopeless pervert sputtered, cheeks growing redder by the second. "As I have stated before, my…tendencies are not always a straight path. Believe me, I did not expect her filthy heretic spit to really do it for me! Honest!"
"Okay, okay, fine! I'll take your word for it and just push it outta my mind," I replied in exasperation. This was definitely not an argument I wanted to get into, and not just because we were already fighting prior.
Choosing to distract myself with the matter at hand, I held up the room key and sighed, "Alright, taking bets; how bad is this suite gonna be?"
"Considering I grew up in what most would call a shack, anything is a considerable upgrade for me," Megumin stated earnestly while trying to coax her frightened pet out of her hat. "But now that I've been spoiled living in the mansion? I'm not holding out much hope."
"W-well, I can't say I'm used to staying in mansions or fancy hotels. Even during my adventuring days as a human, it was usually camping out in the wilderness for me," Wiz supplied, crossing her arms over her stupidly distracting chest as she went into contemplation mode. "So long as it's not as bad as being forced to live up in the storage area and eat nothing but bread crusts, I won't complain."
My naturally pale face further paled when she nonchalantly revealed that. And when Megumin casually suggested ways of enriching the flavor of the bread crusts like she's had to subsist on them before…let's just say it sparked a renewed motivation to conquer this stinking planet already. If for no other reason than to treat my friends right.
"Don't worry, guys. I'm sure whatever is waiting for us at this suite is nothing a little touch up won't fix!" CB-5P131B3R6 beeped optimistically. "I may not have built-in cleaning apparatuses, but I can handle one unkempt room no problem!"
"It's not specifically dirtiness I'm worried about, but thanks, Spielberg," I replied, sighing to myself as I led the others down the hall to the matching door number on the key. Admittedly, the door itself was uniform and normal, so my suspicion only rose further as I slid the key in and turned it.
I gently opened the door and…
Well, while not as horrible as my mind was making it out to be, I still wouldn't give the suite a five star rating. The room was moderately dilapidated as I imagine not too many Eris followers have crashed in here for obvious reasons. The beds were all unmade, the wallpaper was faded and starting to peel, dust coated every available surface, and the cobwebs in the corner were threatening to trigger my arachnophobia.
Oh, and the cherry on top? One of the walls had an artist's rendition of the goddess Eris hanging on it. Except somebody graffitied it with devil horns, a goatee, and a message at the bottom that read, "AQUA'S ARE BIGGER".
"Well, credit where it's due: I was expecting a lot worse," I admitted lamely, even getting some stares for it. That really was stretching for a silver lining…
Suddenly, we were drawn out of our disappointed state by a bubbly goddess incognito. Shortly followed by a not so bubbly android approaching us from down the hall. "Sorry for the holdup guys~! Just wanted to give my lovely followers outside a show, even if they don't know I'm their goddess yet!"
"Yeah? Well your darling followers are a bunch of pushy creeps," Megumin bitterly interjected, dutifully ignoring Aqua's outraged sputter as she gestured into the room. "I mean, look at what we have to deal with here just because of Dark's Eris pendant!"
Putting her mini temper tantrum on hold, Aqua scanned our crappy accommodations and balked slightly. But I guess she was too darn prideful to admit to her followers' faults as she stepped headstrong into the room and actually had the gall to downplay the conditions we were given.
"Oh, come on guys! It's not that bad! With a little TLC, it'll be good as new!" She assured us with a bright smile that I had to physically restrain myself from knocking off her face. The urge to smack her upside the head only grew as she turned to the portrait on the wall and beamed, giving it a thumbs up.
"Damn right they are! No pads needed!"
Wiz tentatively stepped into the room and gave it another once over before speaking. "I mean…she's not completely wrong. If we all pitch in to tidy up like Spielberg suggested, staying in here shouldn't be so awful. And the receptionist did technically allow us this suite for free. One shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth as they say..."
"That expression annoys me beyond words…but FINE. I guess you have a point; no reason not to make this place at least a little more habitable," I grumbled, stepping forward and sizing up the bed with a grimace. I should've brought more bots with us. "I'm not touching the spider webs though. No way in hell."
"As tempting as it is to tease you for being so afraid of such small creatures, I'm actually kind of curious about that," Alexis hummed idly as she and the others walked into the room to start making it more bearable to live in. "Why are you scared of spiders? The venomous ones I can understand, but I highly doubt there are any of those in this room."
"Ugh, short version? Had to deal with nearly getting eaten alive by massive spiders in a sunken city. Not what I'd call a fun time," I replied with a grimace, a cold shiver running up my spine as I recalled that day. "It was enough to permanently scar me when it comes to those creepy-crawly bastards."
"Oh, you mean the World-Eater Spiders that live under the Earth's crust?" Aqua asked innocently as she jumped up and down on one of the beds like a child. "Yeah, we had a betting pool up in Heaven with some of the other gods to see which natural disaster would occur first: the supervolcano in Yellowstone erupting or those bugs getting released. Don't know how that's going to affect the wager though…"
"Good to know you're thoroughly invested in current mortal events," I said sarcastically. Still, I tilted my head curiously to her all the same. "…So which one did you bet on?"
Aqua stopped jumping. "I was really drunk when we all placed bets, so I can't recall. And I didn't want to get scammed by asking my friends if they remembered what I had put my money on, so I just pretended like I knew."
…
"And you wonder why I only stick to soda."
And so the next half hour, we all gave the room a thorough spring cleaning. It's never a good sign when you have to start your vacation by putting in some extra elbow grease just to get settled in. That being said, I am proud that we managed to make this place look homely again. Except for the portrait, of course. That was beyond saving.
"PHEW! Man…I am BEAT!" Megumin proclaimed as she flopped her backside onto one of the beds, catapulting a resting Chomusuke across the room in the process. "Y'know, I thought we came here to get away from the labor. But then I remember this is the Axis Cult's headquarters, and I immediately regret my life decisions…"
"Welcome to the club. We really shouldn't have been so lenient with Aqua when she suggested this place," I murmured, glaring at the goddess in question and pointing an accusing finger at her. "Your followers are buncha whackos, you know that, right?"
"Alright, that's it – I will NOT tolerate any more of this slander against my devotees!" Aqua angrily huffed in the middle of unpacking her suitcase. "Don't think for a second that you're above suffering Divine Retribution just because you're my friend. I mean, I don't go around talking smack about your robots, do I?"
"Yeah, well, the difference there is that my JackBots are actually delightful and lovely. Your followers, meanwhile, have been nothing but a pain in our ass since we arrived."
"You think I'm delightful and lovely?" I suddenly heard Spielberg electronically gasp. "Awww, sir, thank you! That was such a day brightener! If only I had been filming that…"
I playfully rolled my eyes at the bot and gave him a reassuring smile before going back to scowling at Aqua. "Anyway, it's not like I'm alone on this. Everybody else has already made their opinions clear, Aqua: your followers are a buncha jerks. Accept it."
"You…you…" Aqua growled dangerously, admittedly putting me on edge since she's no pushover despite being dumber than a bag of rocks. Thankfully, my worries melted away when all she did was stomp her foot and exclaim, "UGH! You're the one who's a jerk, JERK!"
I shrugged, a lazy grin making its way onto my face. "Yeah, but at least I'm transparent about it. Besides, my jerkiness is what makes me so charming and quirky."
"Pffft, 'charming'. Yeah, that's definitely a word for it…" Megumin grumbled, fussing over her cat as the little fuzzball continued to explore the room with renewed vigor. "Mildly agitating is also a good runner up, isn't it?"
"Replace 'mildly' with 'severely' and then we'll talk," Darkness chimed in from the bathroom where she was setting up everyone's girly stuff. I know she probably only said that because she was still cross with me, but I couldn't help but think she would've said that on any other day given her tendencies. Didn't know how to feel about that, to be honest.
"…right, well, this is doing wonders for my self-esteem. So thanks, both of you," I huffed sarcastically, rising to my feet and stretching, before glancing around the room and frowning as it just now dawned on me that we'd have to be sharing one bathroom. And right now it was being stocked with makeup and who knows what else by Darkness…
The towels in there better be fluffy at the very least.
"This vacation better shape the hell up soon, I swear to god…"
"Well, the hot springs are pretty much the only reason people even make the trip here in the first place. They're practically this town's main source of income," Megumin explained after she finally got the drop on our evil team mascot who was pawing at the curtains. "And as much as it irks me to give these whackos my hard-earned money, you better believe I'm going in one of those baths. Unlike a certain chicken in our party…"
"Oh, come on! I thought we were past this!" I…whatever word is similar to whine but is still different from whine. "Look, I don't see what the big deal is! If you guys want to go so badly, then fine, go, fine by me! But why do you keep trying to drag me into it?"
Without missing a beat, Megumin quickly jumped on top of the bed and went on one of her Crimson Demon speeches, dramatic poses and all.
"It is simply the will of causality, Spicer! You are visiting the infamous city of hot springs, therefore the laws of nature dictate you must soak in one of their many fine baths! For too long have you cowered under the oppression of striping yourself bare in front of attractive males and females. Well to that I say…FACE YOUR FEARS ALREADY! Or forever be branded as a chicken in the magic eyes of the Crimson Demon Clan…"
I glared at the Crimson Demon across from me, eyes narrowed in defiance. So she wanted to crank up the theatrics of this little spectacle, did she? Well two can play at that game!
Planting my foot firmly on a stool, I monologue right back, even imagining the national anthem blaring loud and proud in the background.
"HAH! You really think that's enough to convince me to go against my principles? Jack Spicer may be a coward and the occasional quitter, but one thing he is not is a piece of meat for someone to ogle at! Is a man not entitled to his privacy? To have the right to be by himself whenever he takes a bubble bath or a piss? The world can try and beat me down all it likes, but one thing it can never take away is my valued ME time! So I say no; no to exposing myself to hot strangers in a public bath. Give me privacy or give me death – WOAH!"
Turns out the stool was more rickety and rundown than I thought, and I ended up collapsing on top of some now broken wood. If I ended up getting a splinter from this, I'll sue.
"And CUT! That was beautiful, sir!" Spielberg praised while hefting his vintage film reel camera. "So long as we cut out the part of you falling over at the end of your speech, I think that's going to make for an inspirational highlight in the movie!"
"Brilliant! Once I assert my will on the masses, it can play in every bathroom around the world! No one will be able to argue with such powerful words on privacy!"
"Weirdos…" I overheard Megumin scoff before plopping back down on the bed and giving me a smug look. "Alright then. If that's the hill you want to die on, then Aqua and I will just keep making chicken noises at you until you break. You may have won the battle but you have yet to win the war. And just so you know…I play to win…"
I got up and whooshed my coat around to seem as cool as possible, running on the fumes of my speech. "Chicken noises mean nothing to a man such as I. Bring. It. ON."
I caved almost immediately.
After nearly minimal peer-pressuring and clucking, I've agreed (against my better judgment) to enter a hot spring this evening. I'll just have to nab as many towels as I can on our sightseeing trip.
"I hate you sometimes…" I grumbled with teary eyes, they're still smiling faces only further pissing me off.
"We love you too, Jack-Jack," Aqua replied sweetly, making me want to bop her upside the head. Before I could give in to the temptation, the dimwit demigod clapped her hands and made an announcement. "Welp, now that we're all done cleaning, I'm gonna go out and play with all my lovely little followers! I'll be back later, don't pick on any of them while I'm not around~!"
"Talk about the brainless leading the braindead," I muttered under my breath as she skipped out of the room.
"Sir? Would you like me to edit the documentary so the chicken noises play for a longer period of time? That way it won't look like you broke so quickly."
"Jeez, even your robots are bullying you," Megumin laughed. I just blew air out at her and looked away but she nudged me with her stick. "C'mon, Mopey. Let's go explore around town. Really work up a sweat before you have to wash it off, eh?"
"…You know what? I'm already going against one of my most sacred and personal rules. So fuck it, let's go greet the backwater cultists again. Why the hell not?" I rambled half-deliriously, getting up from my spot on the bed glancing back at the CameraBot. "You can come along too if you want some more B-roll. And to answer your question…just cut that scene out entirely. I don't even want it as a deleted scene."
The CameraBot saluted me, "Aye-aye, Cap'n!"
As we prepared to leave, I saw that one of our party members was looking out the window with a…concerning expression.
"Yo, Dark," I called out to her. "Your face is telling me you're thinking of something you shouldn't be."
Not even calling out her horny was enough to distract her from the horny. She was looking between the window and the Eris pendant in her hands, mumbling to herself.
"They hate me…they all hate me…"
Jesus, you'd think she was fucking Gollum with the One Ring.
We decided to leave her be. Besides, if getting her rocks off helps calm her nerves and simmer her anger towards me, then who am I to stop her. She'll be fine on her own. Alexis did advocate giving each other some space anyway. But it's been a week already, how long is this going to drag on for? It's just not the same when she isn't getting in on all the fun…
Speaking of Alexis, her and Wiz had already left ahead of us. I hadn't really expected those two of all people to start bonding. But maybe something about crazy long hair made the two connect on a spiritual level or something. I dunno, girls are still a mystery to me, and half the time I even forget my Evil Posse is made up entirely of them.
Anyway, Megumin, Spielberg, and I left the inn to take in the sights or whatever. The explosion-loving gremlin also brought along our team's mascot with her for the walk, so there's that. Truth be told, I was going to need all the backup I could get when venturing out into this scenic wasteland...