As I watched this well-endowed woman carefully guide Jack Spicer down into the bath in subdued horror, my mind was racing with a million questions about all this. The three key questions that kept popping up in particular were of course why, why, and why!?
A sentiment bizarrely not shared by my companion.
"Hey, what's the matter with you?" He asked, looking between me and the two new intruders. "You look like you saw a ghost."
"Did I hear someone mention a ghost!?" Jack Spicer shouted, quickly assuming a rather poor fighting stance. "If they're anything like Wuya, they better know not to spy on me in the bath! Especially if they used to be hot when they were alive!"
…this was the dreaded Metal Dragon?
My reluctance to respond meant I had someone speak for me. "Don't worry kid, the lady's just getting cold feet. Probably regrets coming into the mixed bath!" Hans laughed like it was the most natural thing in the world to be speaking to him.
"Wait, there's a woman in here?" Jack asked.
"Yes," His companion nodded with a sly grin. "Would you like me to detail her exact measurements for your teenage brain? The man who just talked to you is also quite hunky if that helps any~"
The child seethed in rage, quietly reprimanding his associate out of earshot. Although, I did catch him throwing the word "dismantle" around, something the woman simply giggled at him for. An empty threat of some kind if I had to guess.
After their hushed conversation, Jack spoke aloud. "Now listen here…h-hot people! If you could just pretend to be ugly for a while, that would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!"
I'll assume that was supposed to be directed at us and not the wall he was currently facing.
"You'll have to forgive my 'boss' here," The mysterious woman said to us as she elegantly guided the young man down the steps into the bath. "He's a virgin who just so happens to be bi. Poor thing can't seem to help himself when it comes to attractive people such as us three. Thus the comical amount of towels currently on his person."
"I don't have towels stuffed in my ears, Alexis. I can still hear you y'know…"
"There's also a bet going on between him and another girl for him to give in to zero temptations whilst in this bath. Further explaining the towels and why I will be spending the majority of our time here teasing him extensively," She explained while holding her smirk, demonstrating herself by blowing cold air at his neck and making him yelp. "Apologies if this bothers you two."
Hans once more took the lead and shrugged, "No skin off my crotch. Always nice to see a couple of frisky youngsters havin' fun."
It was when the woman's attention turned to me that I realized I still wore fear and worry on my face. Quickly, I changed that to a wry smile, attempting to divert suspicions and act aloof. "Enjoy yourself. Tease him one for me, why don't you."
The girl known as Alexis raised an eyebrow for a second before accepting my words and running a hand down the boy's leg.
"Why is everyone trying to make this so hard for me!?" He hissed, apparently missing the potential double-meaning in his words that I'm sure his "friend" was more than eager to exploit. "What did I ever do to you, huh!?"
"Give me autonomy," Alexis answered simply yet cryptically as she mockingly tutted him while booping his nose. "Should've known better, mister. Now, if you wanna talk about making something 'hard' for you- -"
"NO!"
Hans chuckled warmly at the two's dynamic until he noticed the incredulous look I sent his way. "What?" He whispered to me with genuine confusion underlying his tone.
"How do you not realize who that is?!" I hissed at him. "She literally gave away his name!"
He frowned back at my tone. "Well, unlike you, Snippy, I don't eavesdrop on random people's conversations." He retorted like it somehow gave him any sense of superiority. "But fine, I'll bite. Who's the kid?"
Before I further our private little discussion, I quickly checked back at our visitors. Alexis was currently apologizing to Spicer by offering to "wash his back". How he failed to realize the obvious trap, I'll never know. But the important thing was they weren't focusing on us at the moment.
My hand brought Hans' head down so I could speak in an even more hushed tone. "That's the Metal Dragon. You know, the one we've been fucking looking for?"
Hans just grimaced at me. "Come off it, Wol. That guy? Seriously?"
My fingers went up. "1.) Pale skin. 2.) Red hair. 3.) Around the right age. 4.) He's literally named Jack Spicer!"
Hans still looked less than convinced. Staring at the boy whose spine was shaking from the most mild of touches from his companion like he couldn't imagine him hurting a fly.
"Wait, you think he – and the dragon – the guy we're supposed to be…?" The Poison Slime started and interrupted himself as though the very notion was an absurdity. "Nah, that can't be the same guy. I mean, he's just so…wimpy looking."
"Have these Axis cultists brainwashed you already!?" I nearly shouted as I looked him dead in the eye so he could hopefully understand the full gravitas of the situation. "That is the same guy, you ignorant blob! Who else could it possibly be!? And don't you know not to judge a book by its cover!?"
It was then the man who we've pursuing actually turned around to talk to us, or at least turned towards our general direction.
"Hey, you guys having problems with the Axis idiots?" He asked, sounding just as fed up with this town as we were. "Here's a pro tip: give 'em fake names. That's what we've been doing all dayyyyYYY – HEY! Watch those hands, Alexis!""
Letting the two go back to their double act, Hans turned back to me. "There, ya see? Fake name. An easy cover story. Everything else can just be chalked up to a coincidence."
"Hans," I said, putting on my adult voice. "I'm being serious here. I think we need to report this to you-know-who."
Hans still didn't believe that this was the Jack Spicer, (even though we just heard him say as much), but he was willing to hear me out. The slime man eyeing up the kid with suspicion.
He leaned over to me. "Look, I really don't think the king's gonna like it if we report every single pale teenager we find. But if this truly is the guy, then I have a foolproof plan to get him to talk."
Hans raised his finger and pointed at his nose all while smirking proudly. "I can smell bullshit up to a mile away, no magic lie-detecting bell needed. Just let me ask him one thing."
The mostly nude slime man sauntered slowly over to the kid. The sound of an approaching individual made a pale face of horror dawn on the kid's already pale face, but Hans quickly tried to calm tensions.
"Now listen, kid, I heard you and your friend talking and it spiked my interest. You see, my friend and I are looking for someone real smart to help us out with a problem. Would you be the kinda big guy to help us out?"
"Uuuhhh…d-depends on the problem, I guess," The kid gulped, likely fearing a sexual proposition considering where his hands were slowly covering.
Hans was undeterred, looking at Jack Spicer like he was caught in his trap. "We wanted to know if you knew anything about…golems."
Even with a face full of towels, you could tell the teenager deeply frowned at the question. "No. I really don't know that much about golems, sorry."
Hans sniffed the air. Then he scratched his chin. He seemed to be really considering the kind of answer that was left in the air.
"...Alright, fair enough. Sorry to bother ya."
With a slight bow, the big lug lumbered back over to me and splashed back into the hot water. "That ain't our guy. He wasn't lying, he knew nothing about golems."
"I mean, all I do know is that they're a poor man's robot."
That one keyword was enough to give the stubborn and conceited Hans some pause. His eyes shot open and he slowly looked back towards the young man. In spite of the situation here, I couldn't help but smirk victoriously.
"Uh…what was that you said, kid?"
"I said golems are a poor man's robot," He repeated with all the obnoxious authority of a know-it-all. "I don't know much about them or how they're made because I don't care enough to find out. They're just cheap walking dirt mounds as far as I'm concerned; why settle for an inferior product when things like droids are so much better."
Jack then turned his head, "Although, at least golems know how to keep their hands to themselves, unlike a certain cheeky bot."
"I'm on your left, chief. Or should I say, 'your other right'?"
Those two were still having fun with each other. But Hans was not having it.
"Oi," He growled. "You trying to make me look bad?"
Jack probably would have blinked if his eyes were uncovered. "Huh?"
The slime was ticked off, purple smoke nearly wafting off his body. "You just said you knew nothing!" He was practically yelling at this point. The Alexis girl stepped in between the two men as I also leapt to my feet and wrapped my body around the idiot.
"You fool, stop it!"
"Cease your approach," The girl warned coldly.
But Hans was on the warpath. "No, LEMME SMELL HIM AGAIN!"
…
That one took the wind out of all our sails.
Hans waded past Spicer's stunned companion and roughly grabbed the terrified/confused teenager.
"Kid, I'm only gonna ask you this once," He growled through the child's babbling protests. "What do you know about the Metal Dragon?"
"THAT BETTER NOT BE CODE FOR A PIERCED PENIS!"
Hans reddened up almost immediately.
"Wha – NO! O-Of course it isn't!" He snipped, "Just answer the damn question!"
"NO! I DO NOT KNOW, NOR DO I WANT TO KNOW, ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR 'METAL DRAGON', SIR!"
Hans probably could've taken the kid's shrieks as the truth considering how scared he looked.
But no. Instead, he went the extra fucking mile…
Sniiiffffffff!
After that…display, Hans dropped the poor thing back into the bath.
"Alright, he's clean."
"I sure don't f-f-f-fucking feel it…" The teenager clattered through his teeth.
Alexis was quick to scoop her companion up in her arms. She looked both worried for his mental health and very concerned at the two of us. "I'm not sure what that was," She said, mostly to herself.
Hans considered his reply for a second before shrugging. "Uh…it was meant to be a tease. We were all doing it and I thought you would find it funny. Clearly I took it too far, sorry."
She just stared at him incredulously for a moment before deeming her friend's mental state more important. "Ssshhh, Jack. It's alright, the scary man won't sniff you anymore, I promise," She cooed, rocking the boy back and forth in her arms with a surprisingly strong stance. Must be of the barbarian class or the like. Either way, the blindfolded kid was appreciating the support, hugging her back as he whimpered.
"I want my mommy…"
"Well, don't you worry. 'Mommy' is here to care for her baby boy…"
Jack pulled himself back enough to "stare" at Alexis. She stared back at him blankly before her eyes widened and she smacked the side of her head.
"Oh, sorry. I think that was a leftover from an old roleplay program Nishiyama coded for me."
"Uh-huh," The boy said slowly as he carefully lifted himself out of his companion's arms to sit back down. "Well, all the same, thanks for the comfort."
Alexis simply gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder before Jack (presumably) turned his attention to Hans, his forehead visibly creased with righteous anger. "When I rule the world, I'm making a law that prohibits anyone from sniffing anyone! Never thought I'd have to put something like that into written words, but here we are!"
Honestly? I couldn't blame the kid. I would be more than a little grossed out if a big man sniffed me in the bath unprompted.
"Look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here," I admitted, trying to smooth things over a bit in case this guy's powers were legit. "My friend just comes from a village that's a little too intense when it comes to practical jokes. Can you accept our apologies and a request for a clean slate?"
The young man rubbed his arms a little unsure as he mulled it over. After a moment or two, he acquiesced. "Alright, I guess I can do that. As long as he stays 39 and a half feet away from me, I'll accept your apology. Oh, uh, Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius. Not sure if I already gave you my name already. And of course you already know Alexis."
My wry smile returned as his friend nodded her head at me. "Charmed. I'm Willow and this is my companion, Hank." I replied, 'Hank' looking at me with an eyebrow raised for a second before nodding at the two himself.
"A pleasure to meet you both." said Alexis before turning to her companion. "Jack, it will please you to know that, in all that excitement, Willow's towel came off completely and is now floating by your legs."
My eyes went wide and my face went tomato red, similar to the teenager.
With a single movement, my hand snatched the towel and wrapped it back around my naked body. Jack had seemingly retreated to the bath to…hide some things. I didn't press him on the issue, instead just slinking down into the water with the other two as well.
"Sooo, uuhh…how about those Axis halfwits? Pretty annoying, huh?" Jack said in what had to be a painful attempt at small talk to try and bypass the growing awkwardness between us. "Then again, they worship the goddess Aqua so…monkey see, monkey do, yeah?"
"Yeah, no kiddin'," 'Hank' huffed with crossed arms as he sank further into the hot water and began to relax again. "If it weren't for these hot springs, I doubt anyone would want to come all the way out to this neck of the woods. Though you seem to be more…reserved about privacy than anybody else. Why come here if you don't mind me asking?"
"Ugh, one of my party members is a member of their faith and she begged us to come here. We just finished working our asses off to pay back this ginormous debt and felt we were due for a little R 'n R. She's also the one who insisted I try the baths even though she knows I value my privacy above all else. So, yeah, I'm on 'vacation' right now…"
"Our condolences," I said.
Hans just scratched under his armpit like the heathen that he is, before loudly yelling from his spot 39 and a half feet away. "Oh, I think I get it! He's one of those 'never nude prudes', yeah?!"
I glared at the man. I clearly wanted info from Jack Spicer, info that could be useful. Not his bathing habits!
"Vacation, huh?" I brought the conversation back, adding just a little flirtation to my voice so as to not overpower the virgin. "Vacationing from what, may I ask? How does Jack Spicer toil his days away that needs such a harrowing vacation such as Arcanletia?"
"Well, aside from the aforementioned debt, just the usual villainous routine," He expressed with a raspberry as he awkwardly scratched his still blushing cheeks. "Plotting for world domination, building loyal minions to help with world domination, trying to convince my friends to sign on to world domination. Y'know, everyday evil genius stuff. It's fun and all but sometimes even I need to step away for a bit to decompress."
My face darkened. How was this guy talking about something so serious so casually? Is the Metal Dragon's heart so dark he can think of nothing but complete conquest? Was he so evil that he could wear his demons on his vest like a badge of honor? And more importantly…does he not realize the amount of paperwork required for world ownership?
Hans seemed to be having similar thoughts.
"Huh. So…you really think you have it in you, son?" He asked gruffly, staring down the fabled one. "You think you can crush your enemies in the palm of your hands? Wipe entire villages out for your cause? Even take down the Devil King if he doesn't align to your desires?"
The kid considered this…then shrugged.
"Alright, Sniffy, calm down. I just wanna ban school and hoard all the candy for myself," He retorted, rolling his eyes at Hans. "This guy's so excitable, amirite?"
"Whatever you say, boss," Alexis responded half-heartedly with a light shrug before addressing us. "You'll have to excuse him and his evilness. It's a thing he does. As for me, I really have no say in the matter. I'm just his chauffeur, which is fancy talk for a personal driver more or less."
"Oh yeah, speaking of which, we still need to figure out what to do with your hat given your hair tentacles," Jack commented randomly, throwing my partner and I completely for a loop. "Think I should make a new one that doesn't tug on them too much or do you think we should ditch it altogether?"
"HOLD IT!" I barked this time, "School? Candy? Hair tentacles? What in the hell are you talking about?! Where are you even from?"
"America." He replied, as if expecting me to know where the fuck that should be. "But not anywhere flashy like Washington or New York. The real America, from a little state called Virginia."
No matter what this guy explained to us, it just made things more confusing.
"Hmm. I know my original owner hailed from Japan, but he never gave a specific region," Alexis wondered aloud before shrugging. "Not that the exact geography would've mattered much anyway."
"Damn, you own her?" Hans remarked unhelpfully. "I don't know whether I should smack you or hi-five you, man."
"And just what do you mean by 'hi-fiving' him, Hank?" I asked my now alleged asexual partner.
"Uh, well, I mean…as long it's consensual…"
"Eh, own is kind of a strong word," Jack explained, shifting in obvious discomfort over my partner's idiocy and lack of tact. "When I found her and fixed her up, I gave her the choice to either go live or own life or join me and the people I call my family. You can probably guess which option she picked."
"I'm sorry, but these terms you keep throwing around: owner, fixed up. What do you mean when you say these things?" I pressed further, something about Alexis not sitting right with me. "Who is this girl to you?"
If it weren't for the rags stuffed in his goggles, I assumed he was blinking stupidly at me. "Well, she's my robot. Specifically a reformed sexbot made by the same hack who built the Mobile Fortress Destroyer. Kind of a long story."
Hans and I stared at her. THIS was how far he'd developed in a few months? The strange golems made from primitive metals…were now fully formed women? How much further was he going to advance?!
Alexis began shaking him. "Jack! These two don't believe you! That means I've totally passed as a human, doesn't it?!" She smiled happily at our dumbfounded expressions.
"Simmer down! You've passed as human plenty of times! Hardly anyone believes you're a robot! Hell, I don't think Aqua even still believes it! And she saw your head blow up!"
The… robot? The thing imitating a woman shook its head, "But that was with clothes on! Now I'm naked and still passing! Maybe I should take that Turing test now…"
This was all kinds of freaky. And the hidden weapons that the Spicer kid alluded to don't make it any better. This…creature was a complete question mark right now. We can't even tell if it can be affected by Hans' poison or is just completely indestructible.
How strong is this damn Metal Dragon?!
"W-wait…" Hans began cautiously, finally starting to see the bigger picture himself. "You wouldn't happen to be a part of the group of people that took down the Destroyer, are you…?"
"Ah, I see my evil reputation precedes me!" The Metal Dragon beamed far too proudly. "I don't like to toot my own horn but…oh, who am I kidding, of course I do! I crippled its legs with one shot from my JackMech's heat ray cannon and had my demolition expert take it from there! There were some other adventurers, I guess, but they're not as important. My party and I basically handled that mechanical creepy-crawly ourselves."
"And the Devil King's Generals…?" I dared to ask.
"First the Headless Horseman's Stepson, then that loser in the mask. Though, granted, we kinda ran into them by accident. Especially Vanir since I kinda made one of my friends teleport the Destroyer's core and it blew up the capital. So we hid out in a dungeon for a bit. That's why we had such a big debt to pay."
I'm glad I was in the bath, cause right now I was sweating. This guy was a menace, a threat, even if Hans was still looking at him in bemusement like you would a child. "You… must be very powerful." I hummed at him, silently charging my power in case the wrong move set this guy off.
Jack rested against the rocky edge, ironically allowing himself to relax since stepping foot into this bath. "Oh yeah, Evil Geniuses are pretty strong. Want me to regale you with the tale of how I took down a Griffin?"
I was still wary and ready to destroy these hot springs at a moment's notice.
Which is why I wasn't expecting a wash bucket to land on this guy's face.
"HOW DARE YOU!" Boomed a shrill voice from the other side of the wall, "I can forgive a LOT of things, Jack Spicer, but taking credit for my explosions goes over the line! That Griffin kill was the Great Megumin's AND YOU KNOW IT!"
"Wait – WHAT THE HELL!?" Jack shrieked in a decibel that could rival most Wyverns as he dunked his whole body under the water and swiveled his head every which way. "M-Bomb, is that you!? Where are you!? Did you somehow transcend time and space when I wasn't looking!?"
"Hmph! Maybe I have!" She yelled back in a haughty manner, "Maybe I'm the mighty Death Star and you're the weak and pitiful Alderaan just begging to be blown into oblivion!"
"Cut the shit, you little gremlin! For real, where are you? I'm in a very compromised state right now you know!"
"W-We're in the other bath Jack!" Called back a new voice, one much less angry. "I-I'm sorry! We haven't seen your m-m-m-m-manhood, I swear!"
A beat of silence from the boy.
"..Other bath?"
"Jack, there's a wall that separates this mixed bath from the ladies bath right behind us," Alexis pointed out, going so far as to physically turn his head toward the direction of said wall. "You would've put that together sooner had you not blindfolded yourself before we entered."
Another beat of silence from the boy.
"What the hell are you doing in there!?"
"Bathing, duh," Another annoying, yet also oddly familiar, voice came. "What else would girls be doing in the bath?"
"You know that's not the whole reason," The more dignified voice replied. "You told us you wanted to win the bet by sensing when Jack got…excited."
"Don't act so high and mighty, Darkness, you literally just asked her if she could teach you that skill!"
"M-Megumin!" She replied in assumed shock. "Y-You didn't have to tell Jack that!"
"You people are insane!" Jack cried out, his voice pitching up an octave as his face became as red as his hair. Alexis seemed content to listen to this exchange with a wry smile. "How much did you hear or, Evil forbid, see!?"
"We didn't PEEP if that's what you're insinuating," Growled one of them, "Some of us have reputations to uphold in this perfect town." Ah, that'll be the Axis one.
"Darkness was tempted to, though. I could see it on her face."
"MEGUMIN, PLEASE!"
Wait, Megumin? As in…the same Megumin who wanted me to teach her that joke magic way back when…?
"Whatever, look, can I leave the bath now!? A big muscular man sniffed me and I'm pretty sure that counts for sexual harassment!"
"If this were any other town, I'd be worried about my reputation right about now…" Hans sighed.
"Ehh, I guess…" The Axis one clearly shrugged. "But this hardly feels like a win for either of us. In fact – hey, Alexis! How much of Jack is actually clean?"
"4.8%"
A collective "EW!" resounded from the other bath.
"How in the hell did you even get that messy?!"
"That's sweat from all the fear and running around I've been doing thanks to these cultists!" Jack argued defiantly. "Don't make such a big deal about it! I'll take an extra-long bubble bath when we get home, promise!"
"Yeah right! You'll just spend all night working on your damn machines again and forget all about bathing!"
"If we don't force you to stay there you might not be clean again for a week!"
I'm sorry, but were these his teammates or his adoptive mothers?
"J-Jack!" The weird peeping one, Darkness, yelled, "If you are quite done with Alexis, I would like a turn with her bullying me in the bath!"
"Wait, have you been secretly bi this whole time too? Also, aren't we supposed to be fighting or something?"
"...yes, that's right! We are! So send Alexis over and then I'll stop talking to you!"
"Did you seriously forget you were fighting with him?" asked the Axis one, unimpressed.
A tut from Megumin, "The pitfalls of tunnel vision. Anyway, Jack has a point, are you bi? I'm just wondering how much I should be covering from your perverted eyes…"
"Th-This is hardly the time or place for such teasing, you guys…"
While the group of mad women plus one man continued arguing with each other in a seemingly never-ending battle of mind-numbing words, Hans and I looked at each other and came to a silent agreement to bail.
Slowly rising from the water so as to not create too much noise or a disturbance in the bath, we rose to our feet with towels in hand and began making our way to the exit. The fools were still arguing and Alexis was enjoying the show way too much to notice. We slipped into the changing room undetected and released our breath.
"The fuck was that all about?" Hans asked, almost frightened to look back at the chaos.
I frowned in the same direction. "I don't know. But we should report back to base as soon as possible."
Hans didn't say anything. He had reverted back to his reserved and stoic demeanor as he moved himself over to his changing locker. The disguised slime appeared to be lost in thought while his body practically operated on its own. When he opened his locker, he rummaged through it with no focus until he apparently grabbed something he wasn't expecting, snapping him out of his trance. What he slowly pulled out was…
A bar of "edible" soap the damn cultists have been trying to sucker us into buying all day.
I paid him little mind for the moment, swinging open my own locker and discarding my own soap gift to get dressed. This was not a game, not anymore. If that boy really was the Metal Dragon, we needed to report in and form a proper offensive attack plan, or at least something to get a better feel for the situation.
"You go back to the castle, Wol. I still got a mission complete…"
Admittedly, I was so worked up that I had a mini heart-attack when Hans finally spoke up again. My locker was on the opposite wall, so his back was facing me when I spun around to look at him. But he had yet to tear his eyes off the bar of soap still clutched firmly in his hand.
"What? Hans, you…you can't be serious. We need to gather ourselves before doing anything risky," I attempted to counter, masking my tone to keep my uncertainty hidden as I took a step towards him. "This mission isn't worth your life, we can do it later- -"
"I'm a slime of my word," Hans stubbornly interrupted with resolve, hand tightening around the scammers' product as a sort of improvised stress toy in the heat of the moment. "When His Unholy Majesty entrusted me with this assignment before all this dragon shit went down, I promised him I'd leave this damn city a toxic wasteland. I refuse to let some little punk who may or may not be this almighty destroyer of worlds scare me into a hidey-hole. I'm gonna finish what I started, and then I'm gonna meet you back home so we can go from there."
"Damn it, Hans, don't you dare! The risk isn't worth it, whether he's the dragon or not!" I insisted, composure breaking away sliver by sliver as I realized that he was committed to this viewpoint. "We can come back after we reground, this stupid city isn't going anywhere! We have time!"
"But that's just the thing: I still have my doubts 'bout him being the real deal,'' Hans admitted before barreling through my incredulous words. "And before you say anything, I get it; it sounds crazy of me to even say that what with all the mounting evidence and shit. But based off of what I've seen, heard, and smelled from that kid…I don't think I can fully accept him as the dragon unless I see it for myself, Wol."
"You'd be risking your life on a hunch, Hans! What happens if you're wrong? You might not be able to escape his power!" I initiated vehemently, desperately trying to get any kind of leeway in this argument, to somehow sway him from this path. "You could die here, do you understand that?! I'm not looking to lose another one of my comrades anytime soon, so you're going to listen to me, or so help me- -"
The stubborn fool whipped right around to grip my shoulders tight as he looked me square in the eye.
"You're an immortal being, I know you're smart enough to realize that wars don't come without risks or sacrifices. We are generals in one of the most feared armies across the land, and if we keep running and cowering over some hunch a masked prankster had, we'll never get anything done! Even if that punks' claims are true, dragon or not, I refuse to believe he did it all without a clutch. I was sent to this city to destroy it and we've got ourselves a high-level target hanging around. So…I'm gonna see if I can't kill two birds with one stone."
I could see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice. Hans was a stubborn bastard on the best days, but this was…different. A mix of genuine doubt and natural desperation to take the chance on kicking a potential poser's ass for making us both look like fools. The churning nerves in my stomach, however, sparked further reservations of uncertainty.
Which is why it didn't surprise me when Hans suddenly pulled me in for a hug. He always was a softy underneath that gruff exterior.
"I'm sorry, Wolbach, but I gotta do this. Call it my destiny or fate or whatever fancy word you mystics like to use. Either way, my gut's rarely led me astray in these types of situations," The big lug muttered quietly to me. "But if things do get dicey, I'll try to play it smart for once and get out of there while the going's good. Still, if I'm not back at the castle within three days, don't bother sending someone to look for me like they did with Beldia. Just assume the worst and make sure to give that punk hell for me, alright?"
It took me a moment to find my words, genuinely stunned for the first time in a long time. Throughout my years in this realm, decades of time dragged along to the point where certain things become monotonous…but this feeling of pain, knowing it was entirely likely this would be the last time I spoke to one of the few people in this world I considered a friend…it still stung as fresh as ever.
I hesitantly wrapped my arms around the idiot to return the hug, realizing for myself at that very moment how long it's been since I've given (let alone received) one.
"I will. Just…don't do anything too stupid this time. I'd rather not go through the hassle of filing your death report to the king," I nearly choked, attempting to hide the repressed pain with some levity, however gallows it may be. "But the second you think Jack and his party have you outmatched, swallow your pride and flee. Live to fight another day…"
"I'll do my best if it comes to that, but I can't make any promises, Wol," He replied, uncharacteristically somber for a change. Still, a familiar smile did creep up his face, if a little weaker than normal, and he chuckled quietly. "Hopefully, when this is all said and done, we can kick back at the castle and you can give me the usual spiel about making the smarter choice in the future."
I snorted in spite of myself. Even so, I truly hoped for that outcome above all else. I just had to put my faith in Hans' abilities as a slime; there weren't a lot of easy, conventional ways to take those creatures down. But if Jack and his gang could take out Vanir of all people- -
No. I have to believe in my comrade. He's right, we are Demon Generals! We will not scamper like mere vegetables during harvest season! Metal Dragon or not, Jack Spicer has made his intentions to defy us clear. And he and his allies will have to pay the price for their insolence.
"Yes, if nothing else, I hope you survive for me to give you another earful regarding your recklessness," I sighed in mirth as I gradually (and reluctantly) peeled away from Hans' hug. "But in case you don't, here's one more: try to refrain from hugging a woman when both you and her are naked. We may just be coming out of a mixed bath, but still."
The Poison Slime gave me a confused look before promptly glancing down at my bare body. Then down at his own disguised body. He directed his gaze back upwards before shrugging.
"Oh yeah, oops. Sorry 'bout that."
I just shook my head, somehow both amused and disappointed with this man (though secretly grateful for the former). "It's a good thing you lack a libido. I would've made you regret openly staring at my breasts otherwise."
"Yeah, trust me, I feel real lucky right now," Hans chuckled with a shake of his head, before growing serious once more and sending me a pointed look. "After we're both dressed and decent, you get the hell outta dodge. Head back to the castle and report in while I get to work here. No looking back, alright?"
Back to business as usual. "I promise. If I still had access to all my godly abilities, I'd give you my blessings as well. So instead, I wish you good luck in spite of that damned luck goddess. Eris always was a massive bigot towards beings who stray from the light anyway."
"I can believe that," Hans agreed with a nod, after which we both went back to dressing ourselves. And in that short amount of time putting my clothes back on, I could still faintly make out the muffled ramblings of Jack and his group behind the walls of the changing room.
Hans…you better know what the fuck you're doing here.